Wow. Your story, almost word for word, describes what I just escaped from after 13.5 years. What a spell I’ve been under, where I repeatedly dismissed my intuition and contorted my heart, mind, body, and soul attempting to fit into a cruel narcissists life. Two weeks since the 4th of July when things officially blew up, I’m free. Every breath in without his dark triad controlling presence assures me I’m traveling in golden light💛Thank you for sharing this piece🙏
I’m so sorry you went through that, and I don’t even have to know any details to understand the Herculean effort it took to get out. Congratulations, Karson. I hope life continues to get sweeter and sweeter. Happy Independence to you ❤️🩹
And second, you are getting at, I think, what is so infuriating to so many Americans right now: these dudes not only don’t think that rules don’t apply to them…they KNOW they don’t. Like, we seemingly have no recourse.
Lastly, in regard to Broken Men, I read something from Jane Fonda recently where she was sort of saying she had empathy for Trump. She said it stemmed from her relationship with Ted Turner (because he was basically the same dude). And she said the only way you wind up like that is having been traumatized yourself in some way as a young boy. I don’t know if I’m down with that but it was an interesting take.
Hi Henny! Yes, that’s a thing I think about a LOT. These guys break rules ALL the time. In high school, one of my closest friends dad’s owned a luxury resort in Florida and she invited me down there for spring break, we were fourteen. A couple days into the trip, her dad decided on a whim he wanted to fly to their boat (yacht lol) and take it around the Virgin Gorda, but I didn’t have my passport. I don’t know what happened, but he got “someone to handle it” and I was able to fly without a problem.
This is the world these guys live in. The “silly rules” don’t apply to them. I imagine you live like that for a few decades, and calling the Secretary of State of GA to “find 11K+ votes for you” doesn’t sound as absolutely criminal as it is.
The guy I lived with was not quite “at that level” when we were together, but he was striving towards it with everything he had. And that’s not to say he wasn’t playing in that arena, he was. He just hadn’t quite “arrived” yet. But all of his friends were playing in that club. I got a real view from inside and it wasn’t pretty.
I think the only recourse we have is showing up like Hungary. I really hope people understand that’s what’s needed, and that they have to check their registration multiple times, and all the things. I have been supporting https://www.yallvote.org/ and trying to figure out all the ways to help locally. I will freaking drive people to the polls or whatever they need.
As for empathy for broken men, at this point for me it’s more conceptual than felt. Certainly for Trump and everyone in this administration, because the harm being done is just so horrific, my empathy is going towards the people who are suffering as a result. But it’s funny you mention Jane Fonda because she did an episode of Wiser Than Me with JLD that is one of my favorites of all time. Julia asked her how she knew when a relationship was over and she said, “When I started picturing my husband’s funeral.” I was driving and I just about had to pull my car over I was laughing so hard. But also, she wasn’t totally joking, so it was also heartbreaking. I knew what she meant because she meant that she felt trapped. She couldn’t imagine a way out other than death.
Also, my nineteen-year-old son was just home and we were having the most fascinating conversation about allllllll of this. Masculinity and broken men and what makes a man want to overpower a woman or hate women generally and I was so amazed by the things he was saying. I said, “Dang, I wish I could do this with you on the podcast,” and he was like, “We can totally do this on the podcast.” So we did. I’ll put the episode out in a few days. It was on my mind while I was writing, we came up with the title together which is actually Broken Boys and Angry Men. But the topic of empathy and what we do about all this was prominent. Anyway, thanks for being here, Henny! I wrote you a whole essay 😉
I am so sorry this happened to you! I know how it is to be constantly targeted by much older men, I think we all do and I'm not really sure at what age it will finally go away.
I know exactly the kind of man you are talking about, who makes an exception for his own personal daughter but never extrapolates his new insights about the humanity of girls to all others.
It's usually the same kind of man who will pedestalize his daughter and spoil her with some really creepy romantic undertones to their relationship. The whole daddy's little princess routine, or purity ring vibes, or Trump and his daughter vibes. Ick.
Yes. My dad was like that, unfortunately. In his way. Called me “Princess” and “Angel” but treated me like a therapist and wingman from the time I was four. And then liked it when men thought we were together when I was a teenager and we’d be walking down the street. Still makes me sick to think about that to this day.
It was….not great! He had some good qualities as a friend or uncle or guy to sit next to at a party, but he was not the guy you’d want as your dad, husband, or boyfriend😬
I’m sure he was very charming. I think I know the type.
The detail I’m now embarrassed about in my own upbringing is that I grew up insecure, like most girls back then, and saw one of my friends’ dads behave like that towards his daughter. Always complimenting her and making loud comments that if he were a young man today and she weren’t his daughter he ‘wouldn’t let her get away without chasing her down and stealing at least a kiss’ or stuff like that. Really gross.
But back then at 14-15? I was a bit jealous. I saw this as him showering my friend with such validation. I felt sorry that my dad wasn’t like that (and my dad was perfectly decent overall, no major complaints).
I shudder to think now that this is what my teenage brain saw as a cool dad back then but yes, I get it.
Honestly the world is so confusing for all of us to figure out as girls and teenagers, how are any of us supposed to know at that age what good messaging is vs not good?! I knew it was disgusting that my dad was getting off on the idea that men walking down the street might think we were a couple, but it took me decades to find the voice to say something. (And then he acted victimized, so 🤷🏻♀️) Anyway, I extend compassion and love to all of us. It’s amazing we haven’t evolved to breathe fire at this point, and I wish we could register a complaint. I think this is a design flaw under the circumstances! Hugs!!
I know, it’s really hard right now. I just recorded a podcast episode with my son (19) that was fascinating. It gave me a lot of hope. I’ll put it out in a couple of days. But yeah, tough times. Hugs and love. Keep the faith ❤️🔥
This is so good because you really hit on the complexity of it. It’s not just as simple as predator and prey - that’s an oversimplification of what I think is a structural and societal issue that doesn’t get addressed enough.
I think a lot of men are frozen in amber maturity wise at 18, and society doesn’t punish them for not growing up, so they reap all the benefits of an adult man without the pressure of having to grow the fuck up. And you hit the nail on the head - women their age wouldn’t tolerate their shit for more than 5 seconds and so they just date girls barely out of high school because they won’t call them on their shit. That’s not a defense of their behavior, but boy, we have got a lot of work to do. The entitlement embedded in young boys and teenagers means there are a lot of fucked up Peter Pans, leaving traumatized young women in their wake. And never really giving it any thought.
I think you are not a podcast person, but omg I hope you’ll listen to the podcast I just recorded with my son. He’s nineteen and it’s crazy how much you just reflected a thing he dove into. But yeah. We have a lot of work to do, and it is systemic for sure.
And yes to the nuance of the older man, young girl dynamic. It is brutal. So many factors in the mix, but once they get their teeth into you — if they get close enough — it’s nearly impossible to save yourself. You have no frame of reference for what you’re going through.
I actually am a podcast person, I just had to cut down, bc there are so many and I realized I was using them to make up for lack of IRL convo. But I’ll make it a point to listen to this one!!
Sending the love back at you, and out to all the little girls and young women, I was one. You could not have done a better job getting through and getting up to where you can see and say so clearly what it all was. Well done, Ally.
Thanks so much, Reagan. I love us. I don’t know how we navigated all this crap, especially when we weren’t talking about it openly, but I just love us so much. And I want better for all of us, better for our daughters, and better for our sons, too. Just better for everyone. This is nuts. Hugs and love to you, thanks for being here!
Yep. Just another chick that fell for the money and power gig. Sorry that happened to you. I’m a clinical psychologist and my office fills up with women having the same experience.
You're a therapist and you refer to women who are abused by men as "chicks" who "fall for money and power" when it's clear that this was grooming, coercive, and a manipulative situation? Gross...
A gigantic hug for young you. And for you now (alongside great admiration and love). For a very long time, I had disdain for my young self--the self who allowed others to trample her. But I was primed for it. I don't know what it would have felt like to have a foundation of safety and love, and consequently, to know that I deserved it from others, but it would have been so much easier. Some of us don't get that, and spend so much time and energy healing. But here we are, strong and smart and knowing it more than ever before. xxx
Yes, it’s so hard when you come out of your childhood with this core belief that you are unlovable. I really thought that was the truth underneath all the other truths. And that I was leave-able. And pretty much everything I did was an attempt to assure myself that I was lovable and I wasn’t leave-able, but then I’d pick people who felt like “home” (mom and dad) to try to rewrite history, and instead I’d just repeat it and think, well great. So actually I am not lovable and I am leave-able. Instead of realizing I was unconsciously picking people who couldn’t do anything but prove my initial hypothesis right. Anyway. Cycle-breaking is good stuff but you’re probably not gonna break any cycles at 17! Or 20! I was so hard on myself as a young adult, and I look back with so much compassion for my younger self. I’m lucky to be here. And thankful.
And super grateful to have met you🥹☺️ Thanks for being here, Wendy, my younger self gives your younger self a big hug, and my current self will give your current self a big hug IRL soon!!
“…softness and vulnerability aren’t weak; it takes real strength to be vulnerable. You know what’s weak? Using the size or power you have to inflict pain on people who can’t defend themselves. That’s the weakest thing there is.” 100% truth and it couldn’t be said any better.
This attitude that men shouldn’t have any perceived “feminine” qualities, or that kindness, vulnerability, honesty, compassion, etc. belong only to the “feminine” members of our species is one of the most harmful lies that people can absorb. I know plenty of females who lack those qualities, and all of the best men I know possess and easily demonstrate those characteristics. A pointed re-education of people in general is in order.
I’m so sorry you had to go through the experience with the sociopathic womanizer and all the other difficult and unfair things and people you’ve experienced in your life. I recognize it all and feel it all with different individual details. I’m grateful to have learned from all of it, and grateful to know fellow people like you who have come out of it all wiser, stronger, and more open and feeling than ever. My wish is to move the needle for young girls and young people in general so that they learn to recognize these realities before inadvertently becoming prey. The stealing of innocence from genuinely good people who are not adequately prepared for these realities (and adequately protected from them) is an extraordinarily horrible high price to pay for anyone. It’s too much. It’s despicable.
Thank you for these comments, Jennifer. I so agree, I think one of the things harming all of us are these weird cultural ideas about acceptable “gendered emotions.” We really need to stop doing that to ourselves and perpetuating that ideology when we talk to children.
“Don’t be sad, don’t be angry, don’t be scared,” etc. “Boys don’t cry”, “Girls should be polite or kind or helpful” or whatever. I had to advocate for my daughter in KINDERGARTEN because her teacher (whom I adored) put her next to a boy who “had a hard time focusing” because “she was so good at keeping him on task.” No. No. We are not teaching my 5-year-old daughter that her job is to keep the boy next to her “on task”! And let’s not teach that to the boy next to her, either, OKAY? Holy shit.
But this stuff is so ingrained. Servers in restaurants commenting when my daughter cleaned her plate, but not my son, from the time there were tiny, like 2 and 4, 3 and 5. You think they weren’t noticing? Are girls not allowed to be hungry? I’d be like, “Don’t forget to congratulate my son, he cleaned his plate, too!” Jfc. Anyway. I’m tired.
Thanks for understanding, on all the levels. I felt that right in my heart and I appreciate you, Jennifer. Hugs and love ❤️🩹
Yes! We all (those of us not already aware) need to become much more aware of what our subconscious and implicit expectations are for boys and girls and gender in general.
Whoops, I wasn’t done yet. 😁 Why would it matter to anyone if a girl (or boy) eats because they are hungry and why would we expect other children to take responsibility for their peers instead of helping the peer become more independent and be able to be responsible for themselves? Girls have this kind of stuff heaped on all the time with no acknowledgment or awareness of the expectations it assumes and implants. You’re right — it is done at an early age and soaks into the brains of both girls AND boys. It needs to stop and be handled in more thoughtful and enlightened ways.
Thank you for always writing about the important things that need to be said (and hopefully learned by others). 💞
I always crack up when guys say things like, “Women are way too emotional, men are more logical.” Ok, here is a list of history books FILLED with men who made poor decisions based on their emotions. And oh yes, who are the ones who overall commit murders when their fee fees get hurt by a rejection, or they hate their lives so they take it out on their partners thru violence and kill other dudes for looking at them funny on the wrong night ? Sounds like some very emotional stuff going on there.
Men who take advantage, thru much younger age gaps on purpose (which I’m so sorry you went through and yet roasted this type of sad creep so well in this piece), men who look for empathetic women, neurodivergent women, women who are extremely emotionally confused after trauma, etc- they range from gruff, brutal and oh poor me I’m an outlaw misunderstood type to very smooth, supposedly mature, knowing therapy speak, initially kind, but always telling you what you want to hear in a very surface level kind of way. Manipulation can take on so many tactics- but the commonality is they consistently seek women they can more easily gaslight, lie to, shame, scare, or play on their self esteem. “I’m the best thing that ever happened to you!”is always a favorite of theirs. They get stupidly jealous if a waiter is a little flirty in his job towards you, but happily cheat on you. Or you are a placeholder or diversion until they find the trophy they seek that will satisfy all their sad swollen ego stroking needs. I wasn’t with an older guy, but one who was not truthful with me about the state of his marriage. We’d get together and suddenly all the things he found charming about me got criticized. If I was going through a devastating emotional crisis- yeah, nah, that’s not fun anymore, see ya. The guy I lost my virginity to was a straight up criminal and lied all the damn time to my sheltered little self. I can maybe think of one guy I dated in college briefly who was a good guy, but who understandably sensed I was not in a good place to be with anyone (2 years after my assault) and we lasted about 3 dates. He wasn’t a jerk about it. And my head was fully filled with my ex. But every guy I saw after that and the one I married and divorced and the few after that (I have been alone since 2019) were some watercolor or mixed media presentations of the worst of my father and my mom, too. I’m good on my own, relearning how to be myself without the parental baggage. But the patterns in these particular types of men- whether subtle or exaggerated as we see in our current US regime- is so fucked up. And some of these types of guys are very much in progressive spaces and even unfortunately, what we are told are safe spaces for women. But underneath the labels, the political parties, even socio economic class, these men hold the belief they must obtain intimacy via some form of predatory manipulation and when intimacy arrives, they can’t handle it because they aren’t ready for it. It has to be controlled, used on a surface level without addressing the void inside themselves first, the attitudes towards women. I call them collapsed stars-they either become black holes that can suck everything down with them because it’s never enough for them or they might (w/ a lot of professional help) become a neutron star, where they stay far away and do no further harm to others. I’m sure my astrophysics is not totally sound in this- but it’s what I can understand them as via a metaphor.
I’m so glad we aren’t married or with men like this anymore, Ally. I hope this piece helps another person out who may be struggling with the pull of a collapsed star man. Helps them find the earth under their feet again and feel whole.
(And yes, for the pedantic) there are women who can be like this but men beat us out statistically in the DV, stalking, abuse, murder, etc categories.
Yeah, that was a favorite when I’d say I was unhappy, “Oh, poor you, living in this high-rise apartment and going to the Hamptons on the weekends!” But I grew up on the Upper West Side and didn’t give a shit about his “high rise apartment” which felt like a cold hotel room, and the house in the Hamptons was nice, but I loved it because it was the only place I got quality time with him. We’d go for a bike ride or out on the boat or sometimes we’d go to dinner alone or cook at the house. And it’s beautiful there, but I didn’t need him to go there. I’d been to the Hamptons long before I met him.
I’d remind him of these things. I wasn’t with him for his money, I worked at his restaurant the whole time, while I was in school. He wasn’t giving me an allowance or paying my bills or buying my clothes. He’d pick up my check if I met a friend for dinner in one of his restaurants once in a while, but I never asked him to do that, not once, and I never assumed he would.
I remember his best friend’s girlfriend asking me once what my “shopping allowance” was and I had no clue what she meant, and she asked me what he let me spend on clothes in a month and I said, “Oh. Yeah, we don’t do that.” And she looked at me like I was crazy, and I realized that must be a thing that was happening in a lot of these relationships. Meanwhile I was there talking to him about his childhood and trying to figure out why he felt so empty inside lol.
I’m sorry you’ve had such shitty experiences, Jen, and I’m sorry I have, too. I have some really good men in my life, thankfully, some
friends I’ve had since childhood, and some I made later, and a couple of good relationships that didn’t work out because of timing. There are also some things I can’t talk about, but I am thankful you’re safe and happy and feeling good. And I’m very glad you’re here❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Yeah, I wasn’t a very good “side piece” because I actually cared and thought he’d figure it out if I just talked him thru it. He’d bring gifts I didn’t ask for, insist on nice places to eat, etc but he had expensive tastes to begin with and I’m a bohemian swamp witch who loves used books, records, plants, art, thrift shopping. I have zero interest in cars that cost more than 30 grand or pate or houses that look like hotel lobbies in Miami. He’d buy me clothes that weren’t my personality at all but were very expensive and purses that I felt weird using. And he’d make me feel weird that I didn’t want those things. But I kept trying to figure him out, giving more chances after he was caught in a lie.
I know some good men. And this comforts me. But dating for me right now is in the same category as possibly skydiving. I can see myself do it and maybe even like it, with the right people and instructions and conditions- but at this point in my life, I could be just fine if I never do it. Plus I get a little nauseous anticipating the free fall.
Thank you for your wise, honest writing. Being a rabid feminist (after coming out of the overt misogyny of the 70s-80s, a fundamentalist cult, and an emotionally abusive marriage), I agree with 99 percent of what you have to say, and I'm glad you're here saying it.
However, being a rabid feminist, I implore you to rethink your stance that men in women's sports (and prison cells and shelters and private spaces) is not an issue. It throws so many women under the bus.
Thank you for your very kind comments about my writing, I appreciate it, and I am so glad you’re on the other side of your own intensely painful chapters. Hurrah!
I definitely do not expect us to agree on everything, but I will certainly tell you how I feel about this topic!
When you say, “being a rabid feminist, I implore you to rethink your stance that men in women's sports (and prison cells and shelters and private spaces) is not an issue. It throws so many women under the bus”, I am not sure what you mean.
First, I was specifically talking about the ongoing “culture war conversation” perpetuated by this administration and these very broken men, namely Hegseth and the potus, suggesting that statistically speaking, girls and women are being harmed by transgender women and girls on sports teams and in public restrooms — and I certainly hope we can agree that is categorically and factually false, and also extremely offensive.
Women and girls have been harmed by heterosexual men in public and private spaces since forever, sometimes men they know, sometimes men they do not know. Their coaches, pastors, family members, neighbors, stepfathers, man in a stairwell, man on a bus, man on a subway, man at the park, teacher, boss at work, manager where they intern, ad nauseum, etc.
If any administration wanted to be serious about protecting girls and women, they’d be focusing their attention on education, DV, funding support and therapy for survivors, understanding and working against rape culture, intimate partner violence, toxic masculinity, demanding regulation of AI, rehabilitation facilities and programs for sex offenders (and funding for research because we need an overhaul on this thinking), education of police and judges when women and girls step forward to report assaults, sentencing that reflects the harm done so perpetrators (and survivors alike) understand they will be facing serious and lasting consequences — this is off the top of my head. THOSE are the kinds of thing an administration that cared about protecting girls and women would be talking about.
They would NOT be talking about the tiny percent of transgender people in this country, that was my point.
But, let’s assume we agree on that part. You still feel my stance that having transgender women in women’s and girls’ sports and prison cells and private spaces “throws so many women under the bus.”
The number of transgender girls playing sports on girls’ sports teams across the country is so small, I am not sure how this could be considered throwing any cis girl under the bus.
And here are some stats for professional transgender women athletes:
And the news is not better for transgender women when it comes to the need for shelters, either:
“Transgender people are over four times more likely than cisgender people to experience violent victimization, including rape, sexual assault, and aggravated or simple assault, according to a new study by the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law. In addition, households with a transgender person had higher rates of property victimization than cisgender households.”
Most shelters are funded through VAWA (The Violence Against Women Act — The enactment of VAWA 1994 culminated an effort begun in 1990 to draft and pass what became this landmark legislation. Vice President Joseph Biden, then Senator from Delaware, initiated this effort when he submitted to Congress a preliminary proposal to address the issue of violence against women, sparking a long-awaited national conversation about violence prevention and services. Working closely with the staff of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Legal Momentum (then NOW Legal Defense and Education Fund) brought experts and organizations together in the Task Force on the Violence Against Women Act to help draft and pass the legislation. This initial coalition has become the very large and diverse National Task Force to End Sexual and Domestic Violence, which continues to collaborate to help draft and pass each VAWA reauthorization. https://www.legalmomentum.org/history-vawa) and any shelter receiving funds from the VAWA may not discriminate based on sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion or disability.
Imagine a woman fleeing a DV situation with her son and daughter, and her son is a very tall eleven-year-old. Is he not allowed to stay with his mom and sister? Anyway.
Transgender women are women. Transgender children need support and love.
The people “throwing so many women under the bus” are the broken men in power. I imagine we may not end up agreeing on this topic, but I do hope you will read the links above. I have good friends in the transgender community and friends with transgender children, and I always want this space to feel safe for everyone. I am also always happy to have a respectful conversation about anything, and you seem like the kind of person who is capable of that which is why I wanted to respond this way☺️
Thank you for your very civil response. Certainly cisgender men are often a threat to women; my point was that Transwomen can also harm women in sports, prisons, and safe spaces. The “small percentage” that often gets cited does not erase the harm to the women it happens to.
I hope you will be wiling to check out these links and peer through another window into this topic.
I have an unprovable theory that I believe is true based on plant medicine journeys, just so you can adjust accordingly if you think I'm nuts. It's a response to the idea that "you can never go back to your younger self and change history." This is true, of course, but I don't think that exercise is fruitless. As I intimated, I've met my younger self—the boy who created safety and identity in his mind because the world was so confusing—and been able to acknowledge him, to honor my younger self, who could not have reasonably had the insight and power to change that I possess now. And interestingly, these interactions with myself have resulted in my "meeting" my former self in moments of meditation in nature and in the quiet of my room, without the aid of plant medicine. And each time, I have spoken to my young self, acknowledged his work of protecting me, and told him he can rest now, that I'm ok and that I see him and the pain he was in.
I don't know how evolution works, obviously, but my theory is that time is a construct and that connecting with our younger self can have a healing effect on us now. At least this is what I've experienced, so whether my meeting with my younger self is true and provable in a scientific way, I have felt the release of anger and confusion and sadness that resulted from my well-meaning parents just being unable to help me. To their credit I'll say that they did better than their parents and meeting them on journeys has brought healing to me and, I hope and think, to them as well, wherever they are.
The perspective of time, the life experience that justifies the truth of what Bryan Stevenson says: "Each of us is more than the worst thing we've ever done," these things I hope and believe will help me pass on whatever wisdom I have to my daughters, to my grandsons, to hopefully everyone I love. As dark as many days now appear, I remain hopeful about our eventual growth as a species.
In any event, you were young and unable to process life as you now can. It matters that you can hold space for your younger self, while also using your talent to communicate to a wide audience. May your remarkable work continue!
I love this, Robert, I think it’s beautiful, and I also feel time is a construct and is likelier folding in on itself than it is linear. I supposed I feel that I do meet the younger versions of myself when I write and when I meditate, though I understand it’s not the same as the experiences you’re describing with plant medicine.
I have friends who’ve gone to the jungle and done ayahuasca retreats and also friends who’ve done mdma and ketamine in a therapeutic setting. I am SO sensitive to everything that I think the thought of any of that is worrisome to me, personally, but I am always interested in other people’s experiences. I’m literally the person who takes 5 times longer than they think I will to wake up from anesthesia, or has a sip of beer and is drunk lol. So it gives me pause for myself to say the least! But also, I feel like my brain goes in these directions anyway?
However, what you’re describing sounds so cool! Thanks for being here as always ❤️🩹☺️
I understand the trepidation regarding plant medicine. I don't do these drugs recreationally, except weed to a certain extent. My journeys have been based on mushrooms, in a very therapeutic setting, with a guide. I can only do 3 or 4 a year, if that. I'm grateful for the rewiring that happens, it feels, on a cellular level. In some cases I feel like I took decades-long leaps in therapeutic healing. That is, issues resolved and moved to a different level in the course of a day as opposed to decades of therapy. It takes months to process and integrate, and I'm still doing this for journeys I had 3 years ago. Anyway, if you would ever benefit from something like this, you'll know. And if you never do it never was meant to be done.
You nailed it as always in all the ways…I so look forward to reading your writing…it is always relatable but at the edge of what I want to find words for and just havent been able to…then I read your writing and it feels like I found my way home and can now make sense of my experience…that’s the only way I can describe it…like you are the porch light guiding the way back home to what I knew but couldn’t articulate. So thank you yet again!!
Nothing for me to say that you haven't already spelled out in your own perfectly written way, but I do still get a lot of joy out of the fact that Jesse Watters' mother did not invite him to Thanksgiving in 2024. What bigger snub could one receive?
So many lines in this that should be on billboards so people can see and contemplate. SMH. Thank you for being a voice for all of us. I hope your heart is continuing to heal.
Thank you so much, Sharon. My heart is healed from men like that and broken by the world like the rest of us. Now I just want to take the rage and burn their house down so we can build something better. With trees and streams safe spaces everywhere for everyone…and a lot less bullshit! Thank you for being here 🥹💚
"Charming". That's the key. Con-men (mainly men, but eg Ghislaine Maxwell?) are charming, not ostensibly or at first, sleazy. Flattery, to make you feel good about yourself (especially if you chronically don't) is powerful, and makes you feel good about them. That's the crack in your defences that they then exploit.
(With men—like me, long ago—they con you out of money, rather than into sex, though the promise of sex is an excellent way to make men drop their defences.)
Hugh! So agree, “charming” is definitely a thing. Charisma, too. Of course, sometimes great people can be both charming and charismatic, but when you’re young it’s easy to mistake either of those for something good underneath, when that’s just the snazzy “introductory offer” lol/sob.
In this particular guy’s case, he definitely knew how to turn on the charm, but it was like some kind of valve. Wild stuff. It gets a lot easier to spot as you get older and have been through some things, thankfully. But I agree, it’s not a gendered. Plenty of “charming and charismatic” people out there of every gender and you always have to sit back and wait to see what’s under the shiny surface.
Wow. Your story, almost word for word, describes what I just escaped from after 13.5 years. What a spell I’ve been under, where I repeatedly dismissed my intuition and contorted my heart, mind, body, and soul attempting to fit into a cruel narcissists life. Two weeks since the 4th of July when things officially blew up, I’m free. Every breath in without his dark triad controlling presence assures me I’m traveling in golden light💛Thank you for sharing this piece🙏
I’m so sorry you went through that, and I don’t even have to know any details to understand the Herculean effort it took to get out. Congratulations, Karson. I hope life continues to get sweeter and sweeter. Happy Independence to you ❤️🩹
First, love the nods to the handmaid’s tale.
And second, you are getting at, I think, what is so infuriating to so many Americans right now: these dudes not only don’t think that rules don’t apply to them…they KNOW they don’t. Like, we seemingly have no recourse.
Lastly, in regard to Broken Men, I read something from Jane Fonda recently where she was sort of saying she had empathy for Trump. She said it stemmed from her relationship with Ted Turner (because he was basically the same dude). And she said the only way you wind up like that is having been traumatized yourself in some way as a young boy. I don’t know if I’m down with that but it was an interesting take.
Hi Henny! Yes, that’s a thing I think about a LOT. These guys break rules ALL the time. In high school, one of my closest friends dad’s owned a luxury resort in Florida and she invited me down there for spring break, we were fourteen. A couple days into the trip, her dad decided on a whim he wanted to fly to their boat (yacht lol) and take it around the Virgin Gorda, but I didn’t have my passport. I don’t know what happened, but he got “someone to handle it” and I was able to fly without a problem.
This is the world these guys live in. The “silly rules” don’t apply to them. I imagine you live like that for a few decades, and calling the Secretary of State of GA to “find 11K+ votes for you” doesn’t sound as absolutely criminal as it is.
The guy I lived with was not quite “at that level” when we were together, but he was striving towards it with everything he had. And that’s not to say he wasn’t playing in that arena, he was. He just hadn’t quite “arrived” yet. But all of his friends were playing in that club. I got a real view from inside and it wasn’t pretty.
I think the only recourse we have is showing up like Hungary. I really hope people understand that’s what’s needed, and that they have to check their registration multiple times, and all the things. I have been supporting https://www.yallvote.org/ and trying to figure out all the ways to help locally. I will freaking drive people to the polls or whatever they need.
As for empathy for broken men, at this point for me it’s more conceptual than felt. Certainly for Trump and everyone in this administration, because the harm being done is just so horrific, my empathy is going towards the people who are suffering as a result. But it’s funny you mention Jane Fonda because she did an episode of Wiser Than Me with JLD that is one of my favorites of all time. Julia asked her how she knew when a relationship was over and she said, “When I started picturing my husband’s funeral.” I was driving and I just about had to pull my car over I was laughing so hard. But also, she wasn’t totally joking, so it was also heartbreaking. I knew what she meant because she meant that she felt trapped. She couldn’t imagine a way out other than death.
Also, my nineteen-year-old son was just home and we were having the most fascinating conversation about allllllll of this. Masculinity and broken men and what makes a man want to overpower a woman or hate women generally and I was so amazed by the things he was saying. I said, “Dang, I wish I could do this with you on the podcast,” and he was like, “We can totally do this on the podcast.” So we did. I’ll put the episode out in a few days. It was on my mind while I was writing, we came up with the title together which is actually Broken Boys and Angry Men. But the topic of empathy and what we do about all this was prominent. Anyway, thanks for being here, Henny! I wrote you a whole essay 😉
I didn’t realize you did a podcast too, awesome!! And thanks for that website recommendation, will definitely check it out.
My daughter is a couple of years younger than your son, but we are starting to have some of those “adult” type conversations…and it’s really neat.
It really is!
I am so sorry this happened to you! I know how it is to be constantly targeted by much older men, I think we all do and I'm not really sure at what age it will finally go away.
I know exactly the kind of man you are talking about, who makes an exception for his own personal daughter but never extrapolates his new insights about the humanity of girls to all others.
It's usually the same kind of man who will pedestalize his daughter and spoil her with some really creepy romantic undertones to their relationship. The whole daddy's little princess routine, or purity ring vibes, or Trump and his daughter vibes. Ick.
Yes. My dad was like that, unfortunately. In his way. Called me “Princess” and “Angel” but treated me like a therapist and wingman from the time I was four. And then liked it when men thought we were together when I was a teenager and we’d be walking down the street. Still makes me sick to think about that to this day.
Oh, that sounds really bad. I’m so sorry this is the father you had. It must have really been awful growing up like that.
It was….not great! He had some good qualities as a friend or uncle or guy to sit next to at a party, but he was not the guy you’d want as your dad, husband, or boyfriend😬
I’m sure he was very charming. I think I know the type.
The detail I’m now embarrassed about in my own upbringing is that I grew up insecure, like most girls back then, and saw one of my friends’ dads behave like that towards his daughter. Always complimenting her and making loud comments that if he were a young man today and she weren’t his daughter he ‘wouldn’t let her get away without chasing her down and stealing at least a kiss’ or stuff like that. Really gross.
But back then at 14-15? I was a bit jealous. I saw this as him showering my friend with such validation. I felt sorry that my dad wasn’t like that (and my dad was perfectly decent overall, no major complaints).
I shudder to think now that this is what my teenage brain saw as a cool dad back then but yes, I get it.
Honestly the world is so confusing for all of us to figure out as girls and teenagers, how are any of us supposed to know at that age what good messaging is vs not good?! I knew it was disgusting that my dad was getting off on the idea that men walking down the street might think we were a couple, but it took me decades to find the voice to say something. (And then he acted victimized, so 🤷🏻♀️) Anyway, I extend compassion and love to all of us. It’s amazing we haven’t evolved to breathe fire at this point, and I wish we could register a complaint. I think this is a design flaw under the circumstances! Hugs!!
I just don’t know about men anymore. I just don’t.
I know, it’s really hard right now. I just recorded a podcast episode with my son (19) that was fascinating. It gave me a lot of hope. I’ll put it out in a couple of days. But yeah, tough times. Hugs and love. Keep the faith ❤️🔥
I can’t wait to listen.
This is so good because you really hit on the complexity of it. It’s not just as simple as predator and prey - that’s an oversimplification of what I think is a structural and societal issue that doesn’t get addressed enough.
I think a lot of men are frozen in amber maturity wise at 18, and society doesn’t punish them for not growing up, so they reap all the benefits of an adult man without the pressure of having to grow the fuck up. And you hit the nail on the head - women their age wouldn’t tolerate their shit for more than 5 seconds and so they just date girls barely out of high school because they won’t call them on their shit. That’s not a defense of their behavior, but boy, we have got a lot of work to do. The entitlement embedded in young boys and teenagers means there are a lot of fucked up Peter Pans, leaving traumatized young women in their wake. And never really giving it any thought.
I think you are not a podcast person, but omg I hope you’ll listen to the podcast I just recorded with my son. He’s nineteen and it’s crazy how much you just reflected a thing he dove into. But yeah. We have a lot of work to do, and it is systemic for sure.
And yes to the nuance of the older man, young girl dynamic. It is brutal. So many factors in the mix, but once they get their teeth into you — if they get close enough — it’s nearly impossible to save yourself. You have no frame of reference for what you’re going through.
Thanks for being here, Kari, as ever xx
I actually am a podcast person, I just had to cut down, bc there are so many and I realized I was using them to make up for lack of IRL convo. But I’ll make it a point to listen to this one!!
Oh yay! Okay, awesome. Yeah, it’s funny, I really only listen if I’m driving somewhere or folding laundry and feel like listening to something 😂
Sending the love back at you, and out to all the little girls and young women, I was one. You could not have done a better job getting through and getting up to where you can see and say so clearly what it all was. Well done, Ally.
Thanks so much, Reagan. I love us. I don’t know how we navigated all this crap, especially when we weren’t talking about it openly, but I just love us so much. And I want better for all of us, better for our daughters, and better for our sons, too. Just better for everyone. This is nuts. Hugs and love to you, thanks for being here!
Yep. Just another chick that fell for the money and power gig. Sorry that happened to you. I’m a clinical psychologist and my office fills up with women having the same experience.
You're a therapist and you refer to women who are abused by men as "chicks" who "fall for money and power" when it's clear that this was grooming, coercive, and a manipulative situation? Gross...
A gigantic hug for young you. And for you now (alongside great admiration and love). For a very long time, I had disdain for my young self--the self who allowed others to trample her. But I was primed for it. I don't know what it would have felt like to have a foundation of safety and love, and consequently, to know that I deserved it from others, but it would have been so much easier. Some of us don't get that, and spend so much time and energy healing. But here we are, strong and smart and knowing it more than ever before. xxx
Yes, it’s so hard when you come out of your childhood with this core belief that you are unlovable. I really thought that was the truth underneath all the other truths. And that I was leave-able. And pretty much everything I did was an attempt to assure myself that I was lovable and I wasn’t leave-able, but then I’d pick people who felt like “home” (mom and dad) to try to rewrite history, and instead I’d just repeat it and think, well great. So actually I am not lovable and I am leave-able. Instead of realizing I was unconsciously picking people who couldn’t do anything but prove my initial hypothesis right. Anyway. Cycle-breaking is good stuff but you’re probably not gonna break any cycles at 17! Or 20! I was so hard on myself as a young adult, and I look back with so much compassion for my younger self. I’m lucky to be here. And thankful.
And super grateful to have met you🥹☺️ Thanks for being here, Wendy, my younger self gives your younger self a big hug, and my current self will give your current self a big hug IRL soon!!
“…softness and vulnerability aren’t weak; it takes real strength to be vulnerable. You know what’s weak? Using the size or power you have to inflict pain on people who can’t defend themselves. That’s the weakest thing there is.” 100% truth and it couldn’t be said any better.
This attitude that men shouldn’t have any perceived “feminine” qualities, or that kindness, vulnerability, honesty, compassion, etc. belong only to the “feminine” members of our species is one of the most harmful lies that people can absorb. I know plenty of females who lack those qualities, and all of the best men I know possess and easily demonstrate those characteristics. A pointed re-education of people in general is in order.
I’m so sorry you had to go through the experience with the sociopathic womanizer and all the other difficult and unfair things and people you’ve experienced in your life. I recognize it all and feel it all with different individual details. I’m grateful to have learned from all of it, and grateful to know fellow people like you who have come out of it all wiser, stronger, and more open and feeling than ever. My wish is to move the needle for young girls and young people in general so that they learn to recognize these realities before inadvertently becoming prey. The stealing of innocence from genuinely good people who are not adequately prepared for these realities (and adequately protected from them) is an extraordinarily horrible high price to pay for anyone. It’s too much. It’s despicable.
Thank you for these comments, Jennifer. I so agree, I think one of the things harming all of us are these weird cultural ideas about acceptable “gendered emotions.” We really need to stop doing that to ourselves and perpetuating that ideology when we talk to children.
“Don’t be sad, don’t be angry, don’t be scared,” etc. “Boys don’t cry”, “Girls should be polite or kind or helpful” or whatever. I had to advocate for my daughter in KINDERGARTEN because her teacher (whom I adored) put her next to a boy who “had a hard time focusing” because “she was so good at keeping him on task.” No. No. We are not teaching my 5-year-old daughter that her job is to keep the boy next to her “on task”! And let’s not teach that to the boy next to her, either, OKAY? Holy shit.
But this stuff is so ingrained. Servers in restaurants commenting when my daughter cleaned her plate, but not my son, from the time there were tiny, like 2 and 4, 3 and 5. You think they weren’t noticing? Are girls not allowed to be hungry? I’d be like, “Don’t forget to congratulate my son, he cleaned his plate, too!” Jfc. Anyway. I’m tired.
Thanks for understanding, on all the levels. I felt that right in my heart and I appreciate you, Jennifer. Hugs and love ❤️🩹
Yes! We all (those of us not already aware) need to become much more aware of what our subconscious and implicit expectations are for boys and girls and gender in general.
Whoops, I wasn’t done yet. 😁 Why would it matter to anyone if a girl (or boy) eats because they are hungry and why would we expect other children to take responsibility for their peers instead of helping the peer become more independent and be able to be responsible for themselves? Girls have this kind of stuff heaped on all the time with no acknowledgment or awareness of the expectations it assumes and implants. You’re right — it is done at an early age and soaks into the brains of both girls AND boys. It needs to stop and be handled in more thoughtful and enlightened ways.
Thank you for always writing about the important things that need to be said (and hopefully learned by others). 💞
I always crack up when guys say things like, “Women are way too emotional, men are more logical.” Ok, here is a list of history books FILLED with men who made poor decisions based on their emotions. And oh yes, who are the ones who overall commit murders when their fee fees get hurt by a rejection, or they hate their lives so they take it out on their partners thru violence and kill other dudes for looking at them funny on the wrong night ? Sounds like some very emotional stuff going on there.
Men who take advantage, thru much younger age gaps on purpose (which I’m so sorry you went through and yet roasted this type of sad creep so well in this piece), men who look for empathetic women, neurodivergent women, women who are extremely emotionally confused after trauma, etc- they range from gruff, brutal and oh poor me I’m an outlaw misunderstood type to very smooth, supposedly mature, knowing therapy speak, initially kind, but always telling you what you want to hear in a very surface level kind of way. Manipulation can take on so many tactics- but the commonality is they consistently seek women they can more easily gaslight, lie to, shame, scare, or play on their self esteem. “I’m the best thing that ever happened to you!”is always a favorite of theirs. They get stupidly jealous if a waiter is a little flirty in his job towards you, but happily cheat on you. Or you are a placeholder or diversion until they find the trophy they seek that will satisfy all their sad swollen ego stroking needs. I wasn’t with an older guy, but one who was not truthful with me about the state of his marriage. We’d get together and suddenly all the things he found charming about me got criticized. If I was going through a devastating emotional crisis- yeah, nah, that’s not fun anymore, see ya. The guy I lost my virginity to was a straight up criminal and lied all the damn time to my sheltered little self. I can maybe think of one guy I dated in college briefly who was a good guy, but who understandably sensed I was not in a good place to be with anyone (2 years after my assault) and we lasted about 3 dates. He wasn’t a jerk about it. And my head was fully filled with my ex. But every guy I saw after that and the one I married and divorced and the few after that (I have been alone since 2019) were some watercolor or mixed media presentations of the worst of my father and my mom, too. I’m good on my own, relearning how to be myself without the parental baggage. But the patterns in these particular types of men- whether subtle or exaggerated as we see in our current US regime- is so fucked up. And some of these types of guys are very much in progressive spaces and even unfortunately, what we are told are safe spaces for women. But underneath the labels, the political parties, even socio economic class, these men hold the belief they must obtain intimacy via some form of predatory manipulation and when intimacy arrives, they can’t handle it because they aren’t ready for it. It has to be controlled, used on a surface level without addressing the void inside themselves first, the attitudes towards women. I call them collapsed stars-they either become black holes that can suck everything down with them because it’s never enough for them or they might (w/ a lot of professional help) become a neutron star, where they stay far away and do no further harm to others. I’m sure my astrophysics is not totally sound in this- but it’s what I can understand them as via a metaphor.
I’m so glad we aren’t married or with men like this anymore, Ally. I hope this piece helps another person out who may be struggling with the pull of a collapsed star man. Helps them find the earth under their feet again and feel whole.
(And yes, for the pedantic) there are women who can be like this but men beat us out statistically in the DV, stalking, abuse, murder, etc categories.
Yeah, that was a favorite when I’d say I was unhappy, “Oh, poor you, living in this high-rise apartment and going to the Hamptons on the weekends!” But I grew up on the Upper West Side and didn’t give a shit about his “high rise apartment” which felt like a cold hotel room, and the house in the Hamptons was nice, but I loved it because it was the only place I got quality time with him. We’d go for a bike ride or out on the boat or sometimes we’d go to dinner alone or cook at the house. And it’s beautiful there, but I didn’t need him to go there. I’d been to the Hamptons long before I met him.
I’d remind him of these things. I wasn’t with him for his money, I worked at his restaurant the whole time, while I was in school. He wasn’t giving me an allowance or paying my bills or buying my clothes. He’d pick up my check if I met a friend for dinner in one of his restaurants once in a while, but I never asked him to do that, not once, and I never assumed he would.
I remember his best friend’s girlfriend asking me once what my “shopping allowance” was and I had no clue what she meant, and she asked me what he let me spend on clothes in a month and I said, “Oh. Yeah, we don’t do that.” And she looked at me like I was crazy, and I realized that must be a thing that was happening in a lot of these relationships. Meanwhile I was there talking to him about his childhood and trying to figure out why he felt so empty inside lol.
I’m sorry you’ve had such shitty experiences, Jen, and I’m sorry I have, too. I have some really good men in my life, thankfully, some
friends I’ve had since childhood, and some I made later, and a couple of good relationships that didn’t work out because of timing. There are also some things I can’t talk about, but I am thankful you’re safe and happy and feeling good. And I’m very glad you’re here❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Yeah, I wasn’t a very good “side piece” because I actually cared and thought he’d figure it out if I just talked him thru it. He’d bring gifts I didn’t ask for, insist on nice places to eat, etc but he had expensive tastes to begin with and I’m a bohemian swamp witch who loves used books, records, plants, art, thrift shopping. I have zero interest in cars that cost more than 30 grand or pate or houses that look like hotel lobbies in Miami. He’d buy me clothes that weren’t my personality at all but were very expensive and purses that I felt weird using. And he’d make me feel weird that I didn’t want those things. But I kept trying to figure him out, giving more chances after he was caught in a lie.
I know some good men. And this comforts me. But dating for me right now is in the same category as possibly skydiving. I can see myself do it and maybe even like it, with the right people and instructions and conditions- but at this point in my life, I could be just fine if I never do it. Plus I get a little nauseous anticipating the free fall.
Thank you for your wise, honest writing. Being a rabid feminist (after coming out of the overt misogyny of the 70s-80s, a fundamentalist cult, and an emotionally abusive marriage), I agree with 99 percent of what you have to say, and I'm glad you're here saying it.
However, being a rabid feminist, I implore you to rethink your stance that men in women's sports (and prison cells and shelters and private spaces) is not an issue. It throws so many women under the bus.
Hi Renee,
Thank you for your very kind comments about my writing, I appreciate it, and I am so glad you’re on the other side of your own intensely painful chapters. Hurrah!
I definitely do not expect us to agree on everything, but I will certainly tell you how I feel about this topic!
When you say, “being a rabid feminist, I implore you to rethink your stance that men in women's sports (and prison cells and shelters and private spaces) is not an issue. It throws so many women under the bus”, I am not sure what you mean.
First, I was specifically talking about the ongoing “culture war conversation” perpetuated by this administration and these very broken men, namely Hegseth and the potus, suggesting that statistically speaking, girls and women are being harmed by transgender women and girls on sports teams and in public restrooms — and I certainly hope we can agree that is categorically and factually false, and also extremely offensive.
Women and girls have been harmed by heterosexual men in public and private spaces since forever, sometimes men they know, sometimes men they do not know. Their coaches, pastors, family members, neighbors, stepfathers, man in a stairwell, man on a bus, man on a subway, man at the park, teacher, boss at work, manager where they intern, ad nauseum, etc.
If any administration wanted to be serious about protecting girls and women, they’d be focusing their attention on education, DV, funding support and therapy for survivors, understanding and working against rape culture, intimate partner violence, toxic masculinity, demanding regulation of AI, rehabilitation facilities and programs for sex offenders (and funding for research because we need an overhaul on this thinking), education of police and judges when women and girls step forward to report assaults, sentencing that reflects the harm done so perpetrators (and survivors alike) understand they will be facing serious and lasting consequences — this is off the top of my head. THOSE are the kinds of thing an administration that cared about protecting girls and women would be talking about.
They would NOT be talking about the tiny percent of transgender people in this country, that was my point.
But, let’s assume we agree on that part. You still feel my stance that having transgender women in women’s and girls’ sports and prison cells and private spaces “throws so many women under the bus.”
So, sports:
https://www.transathlete.com/post/how-many-transgender-kids-play-sports
The number of transgender girls playing sports on girls’ sports teams across the country is so small, I am not sure how this could be considered throwing any cis girl under the bus.
And here are some stats for professional transgender women athletes:
Trans Women in Sports: Facts Over Fear | SF.gov
As for prison cells, it’s transgender women who are in danger:
https://www.npr.org/2025/02/21/nx-s1-5305282/trans-inmates-federal-prison-policy-transfers
https://www.gladlaw.org/federal-court-stops-trump-policy-that-deliberately-exposes-transgender-women-in-prison-to-extreme-risk-of-sexual-assault/#:~:text=A%20federal%20court%20has%20blocked,%2C%20violence%2C%20and%20sexual%20assault.
And the news is not better for transgender women when it comes to the need for shelters, either:
“Transgender people are over four times more likely than cisgender people to experience violent victimization, including rape, sexual assault, and aggravated or simple assault, according to a new study by the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law. In addition, households with a transgender person had higher rates of property victimization than cisgender households.”
https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/press/ncvs-trans-press-release/
Most shelters are funded through VAWA (The Violence Against Women Act — The enactment of VAWA 1994 culminated an effort begun in 1990 to draft and pass what became this landmark legislation. Vice President Joseph Biden, then Senator from Delaware, initiated this effort when he submitted to Congress a preliminary proposal to address the issue of violence against women, sparking a long-awaited national conversation about violence prevention and services. Working closely with the staff of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Legal Momentum (then NOW Legal Defense and Education Fund) brought experts and organizations together in the Task Force on the Violence Against Women Act to help draft and pass the legislation. This initial coalition has become the very large and diverse National Task Force to End Sexual and Domestic Violence, which continues to collaborate to help draft and pass each VAWA reauthorization. https://www.legalmomentum.org/history-vawa) and any shelter receiving funds from the VAWA may not discriminate based on sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion or disability.
Imagine a woman fleeing a DV situation with her son and daughter, and her son is a very tall eleven-year-old. Is he not allowed to stay with his mom and sister? Anyway.
Transgender women are women. Transgender children need support and love.
The people “throwing so many women under the bus” are the broken men in power. I imagine we may not end up agreeing on this topic, but I do hope you will read the links above. I have good friends in the transgender community and friends with transgender children, and I always want this space to feel safe for everyone. I am also always happy to have a respectful conversation about anything, and you seem like the kind of person who is capable of that which is why I wanted to respond this way☺️
Thank you for your very civil response. Certainly cisgender men are often a threat to women; my point was that Transwomen can also harm women in sports, prisons, and safe spaces. The “small percentage” that often gets cited does not erase the harm to the women it happens to.
I hope you will be wiling to check out these links and peer through another window into this topic.
https://www.thenewstribune.com/news/local/article297816883.html
https://www.outsports.com/2024/12/6/22948400/transgender-trans-athlete-championship-national-world-title/
https://strongerwomen.substack.com/p/he-cheated-finally-answers-how-often
I have an unprovable theory that I believe is true based on plant medicine journeys, just so you can adjust accordingly if you think I'm nuts. It's a response to the idea that "you can never go back to your younger self and change history." This is true, of course, but I don't think that exercise is fruitless. As I intimated, I've met my younger self—the boy who created safety and identity in his mind because the world was so confusing—and been able to acknowledge him, to honor my younger self, who could not have reasonably had the insight and power to change that I possess now. And interestingly, these interactions with myself have resulted in my "meeting" my former self in moments of meditation in nature and in the quiet of my room, without the aid of plant medicine. And each time, I have spoken to my young self, acknowledged his work of protecting me, and told him he can rest now, that I'm ok and that I see him and the pain he was in.
I don't know how evolution works, obviously, but my theory is that time is a construct and that connecting with our younger self can have a healing effect on us now. At least this is what I've experienced, so whether my meeting with my younger self is true and provable in a scientific way, I have felt the release of anger and confusion and sadness that resulted from my well-meaning parents just being unable to help me. To their credit I'll say that they did better than their parents and meeting them on journeys has brought healing to me and, I hope and think, to them as well, wherever they are.
The perspective of time, the life experience that justifies the truth of what Bryan Stevenson says: "Each of us is more than the worst thing we've ever done," these things I hope and believe will help me pass on whatever wisdom I have to my daughters, to my grandsons, to hopefully everyone I love. As dark as many days now appear, I remain hopeful about our eventual growth as a species.
In any event, you were young and unable to process life as you now can. It matters that you can hold space for your younger self, while also using your talent to communicate to a wide audience. May your remarkable work continue!
Peace.
I love this, Robert, I think it’s beautiful, and I also feel time is a construct and is likelier folding in on itself than it is linear. I supposed I feel that I do meet the younger versions of myself when I write and when I meditate, though I understand it’s not the same as the experiences you’re describing with plant medicine.
I have friends who’ve gone to the jungle and done ayahuasca retreats and also friends who’ve done mdma and ketamine in a therapeutic setting. I am SO sensitive to everything that I think the thought of any of that is worrisome to me, personally, but I am always interested in other people’s experiences. I’m literally the person who takes 5 times longer than they think I will to wake up from anesthesia, or has a sip of beer and is drunk lol. So it gives me pause for myself to say the least! But also, I feel like my brain goes in these directions anyway?
However, what you’re describing sounds so cool! Thanks for being here as always ❤️🩹☺️
I understand the trepidation regarding plant medicine. I don't do these drugs recreationally, except weed to a certain extent. My journeys have been based on mushrooms, in a very therapeutic setting, with a guide. I can only do 3 or 4 a year, if that. I'm grateful for the rewiring that happens, it feels, on a cellular level. In some cases I feel like I took decades-long leaps in therapeutic healing. That is, issues resolved and moved to a different level in the course of a day as opposed to decades of therapy. It takes months to process and integrate, and I'm still doing this for journeys I had 3 years ago. Anyway, if you would ever benefit from something like this, you'll know. And if you never do it never was meant to be done.
PS - a unique high without drugs is scuba diving.
Ha! I have been scuba diving and I LOVE it. It’s like being on another planet, absolutely mind-blowing.
Exactly. It is another world. What a privilege to experience this.
You nailed it as always in all the ways…I so look forward to reading your writing…it is always relatable but at the edge of what I want to find words for and just havent been able to…then I read your writing and it feels like I found my way home and can now make sense of my experience…that’s the only way I can describe it…like you are the porch light guiding the way back home to what I knew but couldn’t articulate. So thank you yet again!!
I mean…I cannot think of anything better you could possibly have said🥹🥹🥹🙏🏼This means the world to me. Hugs, MS❤️🩹
Nothing for me to say that you haven't already spelled out in your own perfectly written way, but I do still get a lot of joy out of the fact that Jesse Watters' mother did not invite him to Thanksgiving in 2024. What bigger snub could one receive?
When your own mother is like, you know what? I’m not grateful for the way you’ve turned out. Yeah, that’s pretty damning, lol. Love and hugs, Eileen❤️
So many lines in this that should be on billboards so people can see and contemplate. SMH. Thank you for being a voice for all of us. I hope your heart is continuing to heal.
Thank you so much, Sharon. My heart is healed from men like that and broken by the world like the rest of us. Now I just want to take the rage and burn their house down so we can build something better. With trees and streams safe spaces everywhere for everyone…and a lot less bullshit! Thank you for being here 🥹💚
"Charming". That's the key. Con-men (mainly men, but eg Ghislaine Maxwell?) are charming, not ostensibly or at first, sleazy. Flattery, to make you feel good about yourself (especially if you chronically don't) is powerful, and makes you feel good about them. That's the crack in your defences that they then exploit.
(With men—like me, long ago—they con you out of money, rather than into sex, though the promise of sex is an excellent way to make men drop their defences.)
Hugh! So agree, “charming” is definitely a thing. Charisma, too. Of course, sometimes great people can be both charming and charismatic, but when you’re young it’s easy to mistake either of those for something good underneath, when that’s just the snazzy “introductory offer” lol/sob.
In this particular guy’s case, he definitely knew how to turn on the charm, but it was like some kind of valve. Wild stuff. It gets a lot easier to spot as you get older and have been through some things, thankfully. But I agree, it’s not a gendered. Plenty of “charming and charismatic” people out there of every gender and you always have to sit back and wait to see what’s under the shiny surface.
Thanks for being here ☺️