This is so poignant and perfect. I cried about your grandmother and your mother, and my soul traveled back in time to witness the last days of my beloved grandpa's time on earth. I moved forward from there to sitting with my mama through the last two days of her life, holding her hand, which had always had healing powers. My sister and I craved her putting her perfectly warm hands on either side of our face. We called it a "dose." My mama has been gone now for 14 years, and sometimes I ache for the warmth of her hands. I am blessed with a daughter who loves her parents, honors them, and makes them laugh. I have a wife who loves and accepts me for who I am, as I do her. I am grateful, every day. Every day, I find one thing that gives me joy...an antidote to the cruelty of this nightmarish time in which we live. Thank you for writing this, Ally. I am grateful for you.
Oh Audrey, this is so beautiful. I thank you. And I am grateful for you, too, and very glad you have so much love in your life. It’s the best. I think we could all use a dose, frankly, that sounds amazing. Sending you a lot of love, friend. So glad you’re here ❤️🩹
I woke up at 4 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. This came to me as an email and by the time I got to the end I was crying. Something about your stories touch something in me and make me want to begin writing myself. I'm 51 yrs old, have lived a hell of a colorful life to say the least. Most was self inflicted pain and suffering caused by the mess of 20 yrs of drug addiction...to ease the pain and suffering....but now am on the other side. Your writings inspire me to look inside myself and try being vulnerable for once. Thank you 🙏🏻
Sheri. I am so glad to hear that you're on the other side. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself. There's a reason you turned to drugs. As you said 'to ease the pain and the suffering.' Be proud of yourself. It takes tremendous amount of courage to heal Congratulations! All the best to you! 🤗
Oh Sheri. I’m glad this arrived at the right moment, I sent it at a time I usually wouldn’t, so maybe the timing was for you 🥹 I hope you do write your stories. My mom was an alcoholic for most of my life and it was so painful. She never admitted it and never got help. In the end she got ALS and literally could not drink anymore, or eat or speak. She could write, though. Her mind was fine. She was very angry at first. None of her usual coping mechanisms were available and she lashed out in other ways and it was awful. But god, the last month of her life, as devastating as it was, was also the most healing for us. I feel so grateful that I’m sitting here crying as I write this to you. I WISH my mom had been able to overcome her addictions. I think about the years we could have had instead of those few weeks. I would love to read your stories. I have so much respect for people who are able to struggle through and keep going and I have so much compassion for people who can’t. It’s a brutal thing, addiction. There’s always pain underneath. Anyway. I hope you write. And I’m so glad you’re here. Sending you a ton of love and hugs.
So brilliantly pure, Ally. This feels like the water in a river swirling down a mountain.
Your phrase, “full-throated racism,” is spot-on. It must be exhausting. That kind of hatred consumes everything in its path, including the haters. I suppose it’s their remedy for the things they most fear: being mortal, vulnerable, no more or less important than anyone (or anything) else. But the true remedy, the only one that makes any sense, is what you prescribe, cherishing and delighting in life and love, all the way through.
Thank you so much for being here, David. I do think people who are in support of all of this vitriol and violence are in their own kind of hell and I know they’re afraid. It’s so sad and such a waste to think your bigotry will somehow keep you safe. Hard to think of anything more ignorant or dangerous than that, but thankfully it isn’t all of us. I’m so grateful for people who feel just as strongly the other way. I really do think there are more of us. That’s what I try to remember on the harder days. Sending you a lot of love ❤️🩹
Oh my! You nailed it all. I had to put down my phone mid read to go blow my nose and dry my tears. My Dad died at 53 today but 44 years ago. He didn’t see me get married or meet any of his 4 grandchildren by 2 of my siblings. He would have adored them. Life is short and my grey hair is long and hasn’t been colored since 2009. Boy do I remember a strange man in line at the bank telling me to smile when I was in my twenties. I wish I had told him I wasn’t a trained seal at the circus. I’m now in the part of life where all your friends are dying. It is not easy but it sure makes you grateful to still be here. I step into my seventies next year with all of my original parts and now I’m crying again thinking about how proud my Mom would be of how I have handled so many losses including losing her. 😭
Ally. thank you for sharing. I've been there countless times with losing family members and friends. Dec 1st was the death anniversary of my best friend in the world. Dec 6 is my deceased father's birthday and Dec 7 is my deceased brother's birthday and also the death anniversary of another cherish friend. and Dec 26 is the birthday of another brother who passed away. December is a very difficult month for me. I dread Christmas. The world goes on but mine has stopped.
Oh Yvonne, I am so sorry. That is a lot of loss to hold inside of one month. And around the holidays, no less. My heart hurts for you and it goes out to you. I hope you’re able to take some time just for you. I have found that little rituals help, no idea if this is useful to anyone but me, but sometimes I write letters to people I miss. Who’s to say they aren’t over my shoulder reading them, or that the words aren’t going out into the ether somehow? I also light candles for my mother, grandmother and aunt whenever I find myself by a church where you can do that. I’m not Catholic and my mother was lapsed. My grandmother and aunt were Catholic. I think my mother would like it even though she was not religious. It’s just a way of saying hi for me. I also just talk to her inside my head a lot. Anyway, I am so sorry for your pain, and I’m sending you a lot of love this month especially. I’m very glad you’re here ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
That you for this essay that is right on time. The beautiful and moving words have me thinking of the women in my life who have had profound effects. I was writing about time and memory recently. I was pondering if we hold all the memories through our stories or if photographs help keep the memories. I suppose it doesn’t matter as long as we keep telling the most important stories.
Yes, photographs are so interesting that way, aren’t they? I’ve found so many in the last five years that I have either never seen before, or not in decades, because I’ve lost so many people. I found photos after my mom died that she had in tins in closets all over the apartment, often in sandwich bags with a note taped to the inside — “Summer 1987” that kind of thing. But then there’d be a random photo from her childhood, or from 2010. She was never great about organizing albums, but you can bet I am 🤣
Then my dad died and omg, more photos. Then my beloved aunt. Funny thing, almost all the photos from my childhood support my memories which is reassuring to say the least. But memory itself is interesting. They say every time you remember something you change it a little. Whoever they are.
But maybe it’s that *we* are always changing so every time we remember something our perspective has changed a little. I have so much more compassion for my mother than I did ten years ago, or twenty. I see things differently as a grown woman, having had my own experiences in this world. I think I understand her rage differently.
I could write for days about this, and actually it’s a big part of my memoir so I guess I do write for days about this stuff, haha. Thank you for being here, Sarelle. I appreciate you so much. Happy holidays, sending you a lot of love ❤️
Thank you so much, Mary. I try to give myself a lot of grace and space to grieve. Some days I do better than others. Thank you for being here ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
What a beautiful piece of writing. Like you it’s been almost 4 years since my mum passed. I still find seeing mums and daughters together painful. I understood on a very deep level how devastating that must have been for you. Thank you for being so open and honest. The enraging thing, and you articulate it so clearly, is when so many others choose to spend their one short time here on this earth full of hatred and making life more difficult for everyone else, bar a few of their cronies. Unfathomable. Sending you light and healing as we head into the festive season.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Marie. And it is so hard to watch people burn through their precious time with all this rage in their hearts. It’s such a waste. I didn’t dwell on it too long, but one of my bigger heartbreaks is that my mother had her own rage for most of her life. It wasn’t the kind that led to hatred towards others. She didn’t other people. She dealt with a lot of trauma and the rage was often directed at me and she quelled it by drinking which made it worse.
I wish so much that she’d been able to admit that she needed help because we could have had so much more than three really loving weeks, but on the other hand, I’m so grateful I had those weeks. The alternative would have been so much harder to live with. I miss her every day. I feel her with me all the time, and my grandma too. So it’s okay and it also hurts. I know you understand. I’m sending you a lot of love and wishes for a peaceful holiday season as well ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 Thank you for being here xx
Thank you Ally for taking the time to reply. I’m so sorry your mother wasn’t able to reach out for help earlier, such is the way so often with trauma 😔, but so glad you were able to connect lovingly in her last few weeks. What a difference that must make. And to feel your mother and Grandma still with you is a special thing indeed. Take care, and thank you for your warm wishes xx
So perfectly said. Thank you. My version of this was more brief than yours, and meaningful as well. Happily, I’ve had the experience of meeting them in altered states in liminal spaces and worked out a more full understanding and forgiveness and appreciation.
I, too, have struggled with the fear of dying alone. In recent years I have been increasingly aware of and encouraged by my connection to all things. I’m never alone.
And I believe that the presence of an ancestral tradition in all cultures speaks to a reality that we will experience when Death ushers us into Whatever Is Next. You and I (and maybe especially each of us older humans) are building a legacy of love and hope and goodness, even as we attempt to do so in our egoic selves, which is so hard and can be so discouraging.
May you be filled with courage and hope and more love than you thought possible for the years you are given. You’re doing good.
This is so poignant and perfect. I cried about your grandmother and your mother, and my soul traveled back in time to witness the last days of my beloved grandpa's time on earth. I moved forward from there to sitting with my mama through the last two days of her life, holding her hand, which had always had healing powers. My sister and I craved her putting her perfectly warm hands on either side of our face. We called it a "dose." My mama has been gone now for 14 years, and sometimes I ache for the warmth of her hands. I am blessed with a daughter who loves her parents, honors them, and makes them laugh. I have a wife who loves and accepts me for who I am, as I do her. I am grateful, every day. Every day, I find one thing that gives me joy...an antidote to the cruelty of this nightmarish time in which we live. Thank you for writing this, Ally. I am grateful for you.
Oh Audrey, this is so beautiful. I thank you. And I am grateful for you, too, and very glad you have so much love in your life. It’s the best. I think we could all use a dose, frankly, that sounds amazing. Sending you a lot of love, friend. So glad you’re here ❤️🩹
Thank you for this. 💔❤️ Losing a Mom sucks in a visceral and inexplicably deep way.
It really does. Thank you for being here ❤️🩹❤️🩹
I woke up at 4 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. This came to me as an email and by the time I got to the end I was crying. Something about your stories touch something in me and make me want to begin writing myself. I'm 51 yrs old, have lived a hell of a colorful life to say the least. Most was self inflicted pain and suffering caused by the mess of 20 yrs of drug addiction...to ease the pain and suffering....but now am on the other side. Your writings inspire me to look inside myself and try being vulnerable for once. Thank you 🙏🏻
Sheri. I am so glad to hear that you're on the other side. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself. There's a reason you turned to drugs. As you said 'to ease the pain and the suffering.' Be proud of yourself. It takes tremendous amount of courage to heal Congratulations! All the best to you! 🤗
Oh Sheri. I’m glad this arrived at the right moment, I sent it at a time I usually wouldn’t, so maybe the timing was for you 🥹 I hope you do write your stories. My mom was an alcoholic for most of my life and it was so painful. She never admitted it and never got help. In the end she got ALS and literally could not drink anymore, or eat or speak. She could write, though. Her mind was fine. She was very angry at first. None of her usual coping mechanisms were available and she lashed out in other ways and it was awful. But god, the last month of her life, as devastating as it was, was also the most healing for us. I feel so grateful that I’m sitting here crying as I write this to you. I WISH my mom had been able to overcome her addictions. I think about the years we could have had instead of those few weeks. I would love to read your stories. I have so much respect for people who are able to struggle through and keep going and I have so much compassion for people who can’t. It’s a brutal thing, addiction. There’s always pain underneath. Anyway. I hope you write. And I’m so glad you’re here. Sending you a ton of love and hugs.
So brilliantly pure, Ally. This feels like the water in a river swirling down a mountain.
Your phrase, “full-throated racism,” is spot-on. It must be exhausting. That kind of hatred consumes everything in its path, including the haters. I suppose it’s their remedy for the things they most fear: being mortal, vulnerable, no more or less important than anyone (or anything) else. But the true remedy, the only one that makes any sense, is what you prescribe, cherishing and delighting in life and love, all the way through.
Thank you so much for this! 💕
Thank you so much for being here, David. I do think people who are in support of all of this vitriol and violence are in their own kind of hell and I know they’re afraid. It’s so sad and such a waste to think your bigotry will somehow keep you safe. Hard to think of anything more ignorant or dangerous than that, but thankfully it isn’t all of us. I’m so grateful for people who feel just as strongly the other way. I really do think there are more of us. That’s what I try to remember on the harder days. Sending you a lot of love ❤️🩹
I LOVE this with my whole heart. Sending you the biggest hug and so grateful for your writing.
Thank you so much, Mojgan. You made my night.
Oh my! You nailed it all. I had to put down my phone mid read to go blow my nose and dry my tears. My Dad died at 53 today but 44 years ago. He didn’t see me get married or meet any of his 4 grandchildren by 2 of my siblings. He would have adored them. Life is short and my grey hair is long and hasn’t been colored since 2009. Boy do I remember a strange man in line at the bank telling me to smile when I was in my twenties. I wish I had told him I wasn’t a trained seal at the circus. I’m now in the part of life where all your friends are dying. It is not easy but it sure makes you grateful to still be here. I step into my seventies next year with all of my original parts and now I’m crying again thinking about how proud my Mom would be of how I have handled so many losses including losing her. 😭
Ally. thank you for sharing. I've been there countless times with losing family members and friends. Dec 1st was the death anniversary of my best friend in the world. Dec 6 is my deceased father's birthday and Dec 7 is my deceased brother's birthday and also the death anniversary of another cherish friend. and Dec 26 is the birthday of another brother who passed away. December is a very difficult month for me. I dread Christmas. The world goes on but mine has stopped.
Oh Yvonne, I am so sorry. That is a lot of loss to hold inside of one month. And around the holidays, no less. My heart hurts for you and it goes out to you. I hope you’re able to take some time just for you. I have found that little rituals help, no idea if this is useful to anyone but me, but sometimes I write letters to people I miss. Who’s to say they aren’t over my shoulder reading them, or that the words aren’t going out into the ether somehow? I also light candles for my mother, grandmother and aunt whenever I find myself by a church where you can do that. I’m not Catholic and my mother was lapsed. My grandmother and aunt were Catholic. I think my mother would like it even though she was not religious. It’s just a way of saying hi for me. I also just talk to her inside my head a lot. Anyway, I am so sorry for your pain, and I’m sending you a lot of love this month especially. I’m very glad you’re here ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
That you for this essay that is right on time. The beautiful and moving words have me thinking of the women in my life who have had profound effects. I was writing about time and memory recently. I was pondering if we hold all the memories through our stories or if photographs help keep the memories. I suppose it doesn’t matter as long as we keep telling the most important stories.
Yes, photographs are so interesting that way, aren’t they? I’ve found so many in the last five years that I have either never seen before, or not in decades, because I’ve lost so many people. I found photos after my mom died that she had in tins in closets all over the apartment, often in sandwich bags with a note taped to the inside — “Summer 1987” that kind of thing. But then there’d be a random photo from her childhood, or from 2010. She was never great about organizing albums, but you can bet I am 🤣
Then my dad died and omg, more photos. Then my beloved aunt. Funny thing, almost all the photos from my childhood support my memories which is reassuring to say the least. But memory itself is interesting. They say every time you remember something you change it a little. Whoever they are.
But maybe it’s that *we* are always changing so every time we remember something our perspective has changed a little. I have so much more compassion for my mother than I did ten years ago, or twenty. I see things differently as a grown woman, having had my own experiences in this world. I think I understand her rage differently.
I could write for days about this, and actually it’s a big part of my memoir so I guess I do write for days about this stuff, haha. Thank you for being here, Sarelle. I appreciate you so much. Happy holidays, sending you a lot of love ❤️
So beautifully wise and poignant. Blessings to you as you think about your mama, especially at this time of year.
Thank you so much, Mary. I try to give myself a lot of grace and space to grieve. Some days I do better than others. Thank you for being here ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
What a beautiful piece of writing. Like you it’s been almost 4 years since my mum passed. I still find seeing mums and daughters together painful. I understood on a very deep level how devastating that must have been for you. Thank you for being so open and honest. The enraging thing, and you articulate it so clearly, is when so many others choose to spend their one short time here on this earth full of hatred and making life more difficult for everyone else, bar a few of their cronies. Unfathomable. Sending you light and healing as we head into the festive season.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Marie. And it is so hard to watch people burn through their precious time with all this rage in their hearts. It’s such a waste. I didn’t dwell on it too long, but one of my bigger heartbreaks is that my mother had her own rage for most of her life. It wasn’t the kind that led to hatred towards others. She didn’t other people. She dealt with a lot of trauma and the rage was often directed at me and she quelled it by drinking which made it worse.
I wish so much that she’d been able to admit that she needed help because we could have had so much more than three really loving weeks, but on the other hand, I’m so grateful I had those weeks. The alternative would have been so much harder to live with. I miss her every day. I feel her with me all the time, and my grandma too. So it’s okay and it also hurts. I know you understand. I’m sending you a lot of love and wishes for a peaceful holiday season as well ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 Thank you for being here xx
Thank you Ally for taking the time to reply. I’m so sorry your mother wasn’t able to reach out for help earlier, such is the way so often with trauma 😔, but so glad you were able to connect lovingly in her last few weeks. What a difference that must make. And to feel your mother and Grandma still with you is a special thing indeed. Take care, and thank you for your warm wishes xx
So perfectly said. Thank you. My version of this was more brief than yours, and meaningful as well. Happily, I’ve had the experience of meeting them in altered states in liminal spaces and worked out a more full understanding and forgiveness and appreciation.
I, too, have struggled with the fear of dying alone. In recent years I have been increasingly aware of and encouraged by my connection to all things. I’m never alone.
And I believe that the presence of an ancestral tradition in all cultures speaks to a reality that we will experience when Death ushers us into Whatever Is Next. You and I (and maybe especially each of us older humans) are building a legacy of love and hope and goodness, even as we attempt to do so in our egoic selves, which is so hard and can be so discouraging.
May you be filled with courage and hope and more love than you thought possible for the years you are given. You’re doing good.