This is so poignant and perfect. I cried about your grandmother and your mother, and my soul traveled back in time to witness the last days of my beloved grandpa's time on earth. I moved forward from there to sitting with my mama through the last two days of her life, holding her hand, which had always had healing powers. My sister and I craved her putting her perfectly warm hands on either side of our face. We called it a "dose." My mama has been gone now for 14 years, and sometimes I ache for the warmth of her hands. I am blessed with a daughter who loves her parents, honors them, and makes them laugh. I have a wife who loves and accepts me for who I am, as I do her. I am grateful, every day. Every day, I find one thing that gives me joy...an antidote to the cruelty of this nightmarish time in which we live. Thank you for writing this, Ally. I am grateful for you.
Oh Audrey, this is so beautiful. I thank you. And I am grateful for you, too, and very glad you have so much love in your life. It’s the best. I think we could all use a dose, frankly, that sounds amazing. Sending you a lot of love, friend. So glad you’re here ❤️🩹
I woke up at 4 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. This came to me as an email and by the time I got to the end I was crying. Something about your stories touch something in me and make me want to begin writing myself. I'm 51 yrs old, have lived a hell of a colorful life to say the least. Most was self inflicted pain and suffering caused by the mess of 20 yrs of drug addiction...to ease the pain and suffering....but now am on the other side. Your writings inspire me to look inside myself and try being vulnerable for once. Thank you 🙏🏻
Oh Sheri. I’m glad this arrived at the right moment, I sent it at a time I usually wouldn’t, so maybe the timing was for you 🥹 I hope you do write your stories. My mom was an alcoholic for most of my life and it was so painful. She never admitted it and never got help. In the end she got ALS and literally could not drink anymore, or eat or speak. She could write, though. Her mind was fine. She was very angry at first. None of her usual coping mechanisms were available and she lashed out in other ways and it was awful. But god, the last month of her life, as devastating as it was, was also the most healing for us. I feel so grateful that I’m sitting here crying as I write this to you. I WISH my mom had been able to overcome her addictions. I think about the years we could have had instead of those few weeks. I would love to read your stories. I have so much respect for people who are able to struggle through and keep going and I have so much compassion for people who can’t. It’s a brutal thing, addiction. There’s always pain underneath. Anyway. I hope you write. And I’m so glad you’re here. Sending you a ton of love and hugs.
Sheri. I am so glad to hear that you're on the other side. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself. There's a reason you turned to drugs. As you said 'to ease the pain and the suffering.' Be proud of yourself. It takes tremendous amount of courage to heal Congratulations! All the best to you! 🤗
Several years ago, I started a new kind of therapy called Internal Family smSystems. After nearly a lifetime of talk therapy, I wanted to try something new.
in these sessions, I have started to unravel deeply held beliefs that unconsciously drive me to certain behaviors. But perhaps the most surprising thing to emerge was a deeply rooted grief around the death of my grandmother when I was eight. I don't remember crying or any grown-up around me holding me or helping me understand this monumental event. my grandmother was the one person in the world who made me feel safe.
through my tears, at the therapist's office, I kept saying how silly it was that I should be so bereft and broken at 59 over something that happened when I was 8. now I understand, what a gift it was and is to feel the grief of it at all. how lucky I am to have loved someone so deeply, that it took me over 50 years to express it.
This is so beautiful, Lisa. Culturally, I think we do a pretty dreadful job talking about grief and loss and death and dying. I understand the inclination to protect a four-year-old from seeing someone she loves, suffering. Or an eight-year-old, or a teenager. It’s a lot for full-grown adults, frankly. I am still traumatized by some of the things I experienced and witnessed with my mom in the ICU. Working through it, but it’s been a lot.
I don’t know how my grandma looked that last day. Maybe it would have been too scary for me to see her. I think about my mother at the end and she didn’t want to FaceTime with my kids because she didn’t want them to remember her like that. They said goodbye to her in August when we went to visit and she was still on her feet. She was tiny and ravaged, she had to type into an app and a robotic voice would speak for her, but she was still her. When I was in the ICU with her they would call and talk to her on speaker and she would smile or sometimes write something on a pad, and I would tell them, but they knew in August that was the last time they’d see her in person and they had time to process that and spend good time with her and tell her they loved her and give her real hugs and all those meaningful things.
I think it’s so sad when we don’t give our kids a space to process huge loss like this. I think there’s some hope that if it isn’t talked about the kids won’t notice or something, or it won’t affect them as deeply, but we both know it doesn’t work like that. The grief just stays with you and becomes part of your DNA. What else can it do and where can it go?
I have only heard good things about IFS, I think it’s wonderful you finally had a space to acknowledge such a huge loss. Grandmas are kind of magical when you’re lucky. Mine was and it sounds like yours was, too. I really don’t think she ever left me. I’m sending you a lot of love. Thanks so much for being here ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
That you for this essay that is right on time. The beautiful and moving words have me thinking of the women in my life who have had profound effects. I was writing about time and memory recently. I was pondering if we hold all the memories through our stories or if photographs help keep the memories. I suppose it doesn’t matter as long as we keep telling the most important stories.
Yes, photographs are so interesting that way, aren’t they? I’ve found so many in the last five years that I have either never seen before, or not in decades, because I’ve lost so many people. I found photos after my mom died that she had in tins in closets all over the apartment, often in sandwich bags with a note taped to the inside — “Summer 1987” that kind of thing. But then there’d be a random photo from her childhood, or from 2010. She was never great about organizing albums, but you can bet I am 🤣
Then my dad died and omg, more photos. Then my beloved aunt. Funny thing, almost all the photos from my childhood support my memories which is reassuring to say the least. But memory itself is interesting. They say every time you remember something you change it a little. Whoever they are.
But maybe it’s that *we* are always changing so every time we remember something our perspective has changed a little. I have so much more compassion for my mother than I did ten years ago, or twenty. I see things differently as a grown woman, having had my own experiences in this world. I think I understand her rage differently.
I could write for days about this, and actually it’s a big part of my memoir so I guess I do write for days about this stuff, haha. Thank you for being here, Sarelle. I appreciate you so much. Happy holidays, sending you a lot of love ❤️
So brilliantly pure, Ally. This feels like the water in a river swirling down a mountain.
Your phrase, “full-throated racism,” is spot-on. It must be exhausting. That kind of hatred consumes everything in its path, including the haters. I suppose it’s their remedy for the things they most fear: being mortal, vulnerable, no more or less important than anyone (or anything) else. But the true remedy, the only one that makes any sense, is what you prescribe, cherishing and delighting in life and love, all the way through.
Thank you so much for being here, David. I do think people who are in support of all of this vitriol and violence are in their own kind of hell and I know they’re afraid. It’s so sad and such a waste to think your bigotry will somehow keep you safe. Hard to think of anything more ignorant or dangerous than that, but thankfully it isn’t all of us. I’m so grateful for people who feel just as strongly the other way. I really do think there are more of us. That’s what I try to remember on the harder days. Sending you a lot of love ❤️🩹
Ally. thank you for sharing. I've been there countless times with losing family members and friends. Dec 1st was the death anniversary of my best friend in the world. Dec 6 is my deceased father's birthday and Dec 7 is my deceased brother's birthday and also the death anniversary of another cherish friend. and Dec 26 is the birthday of another brother who passed away. December is a very difficult month for me. I dread Christmas. The world goes on but mine has stopped.
Oh Yvonne, I am so sorry. That is a lot of loss to hold inside of one month. And around the holidays, no less. My heart hurts for you and it goes out to you. I hope you’re able to take some time just for you. I have found that little rituals help, no idea if this is useful to anyone but me, but sometimes I write letters to people I miss. Who’s to say they aren’t over my shoulder reading them, or that the words aren’t going out into the ether somehow? I also light candles for my mother, grandmother and aunt whenever I find myself by a church where you can do that. I’m not Catholic and my mother was lapsed. My grandmother and aunt were Catholic. I think my mother would like it even though she was not religious. It’s just a way of saying hi for me. I also just talk to her inside my head a lot. Anyway, I am so sorry for your pain, and I’m sending you a lot of love this month especially. I’m very glad you’re here ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Ally, thank you so much for your kindness. It means the world to me. I am exhausted, just empty. I am alone. Could you offer some suggestions on how to navigate and survive Christmas with all that pain and absolutely no support as I am in a Domestic Violence situation on top of it all? Any suggestions or advice would be so appreciated.
I do light candles (in my home) as I left the Catholic church a long time ago. I ask the deceased ones to help me find peace, strength and love and a way out of this hell. Much love to you and blessings. ❤ 🤗 ❤
I can't "like" this comment because it hurts my heart to think of you in this situation, Yvonne. I'm probably going to give you the same advice anyone would. I don't know if you're ready to leave? That's probably the first question. If you are ready, I don't know what resources are available to you. Do you have family or close friends nearby? Do you feel unsafe to try to leave? If so, you need help making a plan to go. I think there are so many factors I don't know, it's hard to answer. If you think your phone is being checked, or your laptop, be sure to erase your search history every day. If there's a library near you, there are computers you can use, and search for DV resources in your area. You are important and you don't deserve to be hurt. I know I am not telling you anything you don't know. Do you have any trusted people in your life? Anyone who knows what you're going through who can help?
I have been in relationships where I felt my physical safety was in jeopardy. They are not sustainable, and it only escalates. You do need to leave, Yvonne. As far as getting through Christmas, oh love. Just remind yourself that everyone who ever loved you is still with you. They live inside your heart and mind and in your memories and I promise they are rooting for you. No one who ever loved you would want this for you, so you gather yourself together and start seeing a path out. That's the first step. In your mind, start imagining a way out. Start seeing yourself somewhere else in a new life even if it's you in a tiny studio somewhere with a dog or a cat or a goldfish. Somewhere you are safe. I really think you have to see it first, then you can start taking steps to get there. I hope that helps even a tiny bit. Sending you a ton of love.
Thank you so much, Mary. I try to give myself a lot of grace and space to grieve. Some days I do better than others. Thank you for being here ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
What a beautiful piece of writing. Like you it’s been almost 4 years since my mum passed. I still find seeing mums and daughters together painful. I understood on a very deep level how devastating that must have been for you. Thank you for being so open and honest. The enraging thing, and you articulate it so clearly, is when so many others choose to spend their one short time here on this earth full of hatred and making life more difficult for everyone else, bar a few of their cronies. Unfathomable. Sending you light and healing as we head into the festive season.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Marie. And it is so hard to watch people burn through their precious time with all this rage in their hearts. It’s such a waste. I didn’t dwell on it too long, but one of my bigger heartbreaks is that my mother had her own rage for most of her life. It wasn’t the kind that led to hatred towards others. She didn’t other people. She dealt with a lot of trauma and the rage was often directed at me and she quelled it by drinking which made it worse.
I wish so much that she’d been able to admit that she needed help because we could have had so much more than three really loving weeks, but on the other hand, I’m so grateful I had those weeks. The alternative would have been so much harder to live with. I miss her every day. I feel her with me all the time, and my grandma too. So it’s okay and it also hurts. I know you understand. I’m sending you a lot of love and wishes for a peaceful holiday season as well ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 Thank you for being here xx
Thank you Ally for taking the time to reply. I’m so sorry your mother wasn’t able to reach out for help earlier, such is the way so often with trauma 😔, but so glad you were able to connect lovingly in her last few weeks. What a difference that must make. And to feel your mother and Grandma still with you is a special thing indeed. Take care, and thank you for your warm wishes xx
Somehow, I missed this when it first came out and now I've read it and I'm torn between vomiting out 100 different comments or taking the time away to think and come back to comment, though I'm leaning toward the former.
Ok, def. the former. I say 100, because there are 100 different ideas in here, each one in a sentence that you've managed to weave together into one essay, even though it's 100. What a skill to have, Ally! I remember when my sons reached the age that they would remember me if I died--it was something I used to think about, not a lot, but enough, that if I died when they were too small to remember me they would not know me at all. How cruel, right? To carry and birth, to love and raise a child and be taken away without the memory of mother cemented in their cerebral cortex. When they reached that age, maybe 8 or 9, I remember feeling like I could take a breath, that even if something happened, they would know me. It's a bit of hubris, but also that question of will they understand just how much I loved them? I'll have to come back for the other 99 thoughts.
I do know what you mean. I don’t know if you read that excruciating and gorgeous essay by Tatiana Schlossberg, “A Battle with my Blood”? She was writing about that, amongst many other things. The immense sorrow of not knowing whether her son will remember her, and feeling sure her daughter will not. It was gutting to read. It’s also stunning. Anyway, as ever, I thank you for being here, Dina. I always love one thought from you, or 100. Grateful ❤️🩹🙏🏼
I have somewhere to be in a few minutes, otherwise I would let myself sob over this beautiful piece of writing. Your words will be savored again later. Thank you for sharing yourself.
I am so sorry about your mom. You have my deepest condolences. I do think the feeling of being untethered or unmoored must be amplified when it feels like the world is not making any sense at all. You want to shake people and ask how much time they think they have to be distracted by things that don’t matter. Or why they’d ever use the time they have to be terrible to other people. It’s such a waste. Sending you so much love. My heart truly goes out to you ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Your line, “Fifty years of us together, but only three weeks the way it should have been. Which is weird, considering where we were, and that she was dying,” is so relatable to me. I had a fraught, disapproval-on-both-sides relationship with my mother my whole life, until she was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer and had two weeks to six months to live. Suddenly none of the bullshit mattered anymore. We laid next to each other in her bed before she napped and said the things we should have been saying all along. Miraculously, she somehow filled the hole in my heart that longed for her acceptance when she died, and it lives with me still.
Oh Renee, I’m so happy for both of you that you got that time together. I often think about how much worse it would have been if we hadn’t gotten there in the end. I would have had to live with so much grief. Not just the grief of losing her, but the grief of never having had her in a truly loving way at all. Sending you a lot of love. I’m really glad you’re here ❤️🩹❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss, Barbara. I’ve never experienced anything like it. I feel even more sad for my mom, losing her mom at 28. Sending you a lot of love ❤️🩹❤️🩹
This is so poignant and perfect. I cried about your grandmother and your mother, and my soul traveled back in time to witness the last days of my beloved grandpa's time on earth. I moved forward from there to sitting with my mama through the last two days of her life, holding her hand, which had always had healing powers. My sister and I craved her putting her perfectly warm hands on either side of our face. We called it a "dose." My mama has been gone now for 14 years, and sometimes I ache for the warmth of her hands. I am blessed with a daughter who loves her parents, honors them, and makes them laugh. I have a wife who loves and accepts me for who I am, as I do her. I am grateful, every day. Every day, I find one thing that gives me joy...an antidote to the cruelty of this nightmarish time in which we live. Thank you for writing this, Ally. I am grateful for you.
Oh Audrey, this is so beautiful. I thank you. And I am grateful for you, too, and very glad you have so much love in your life. It’s the best. I think we could all use a dose, frankly, that sounds amazing. Sending you a lot of love, friend. So glad you’re here ❤️🩹
Thank you for this. 💔❤️ Losing a Mom sucks in a visceral and inexplicably deep way.
It really does. Thank you for being here ❤️🩹❤️🩹
Yep.
I woke up at 4 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. This came to me as an email and by the time I got to the end I was crying. Something about your stories touch something in me and make me want to begin writing myself. I'm 51 yrs old, have lived a hell of a colorful life to say the least. Most was self inflicted pain and suffering caused by the mess of 20 yrs of drug addiction...to ease the pain and suffering....but now am on the other side. Your writings inspire me to look inside myself and try being vulnerable for once. Thank you 🙏🏻
Oh Sheri. I’m glad this arrived at the right moment, I sent it at a time I usually wouldn’t, so maybe the timing was for you 🥹 I hope you do write your stories. My mom was an alcoholic for most of my life and it was so painful. She never admitted it and never got help. In the end she got ALS and literally could not drink anymore, or eat or speak. She could write, though. Her mind was fine. She was very angry at first. None of her usual coping mechanisms were available and she lashed out in other ways and it was awful. But god, the last month of her life, as devastating as it was, was also the most healing for us. I feel so grateful that I’m sitting here crying as I write this to you. I WISH my mom had been able to overcome her addictions. I think about the years we could have had instead of those few weeks. I would love to read your stories. I have so much respect for people who are able to struggle through and keep going and I have so much compassion for people who can’t. It’s a brutal thing, addiction. There’s always pain underneath. Anyway. I hope you write. And I’m so glad you’re here. Sending you a ton of love and hugs.
Sheri. I am so glad to hear that you're on the other side. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself. There's a reason you turned to drugs. As you said 'to ease the pain and the suffering.' Be proud of yourself. It takes tremendous amount of courage to heal Congratulations! All the best to you! 🤗
Several years ago, I started a new kind of therapy called Internal Family smSystems. After nearly a lifetime of talk therapy, I wanted to try something new.
in these sessions, I have started to unravel deeply held beliefs that unconsciously drive me to certain behaviors. But perhaps the most surprising thing to emerge was a deeply rooted grief around the death of my grandmother when I was eight. I don't remember crying or any grown-up around me holding me or helping me understand this monumental event. my grandmother was the one person in the world who made me feel safe.
through my tears, at the therapist's office, I kept saying how silly it was that I should be so bereft and broken at 59 over something that happened when I was 8. now I understand, what a gift it was and is to feel the grief of it at all. how lucky I am to have loved someone so deeply, that it took me over 50 years to express it.
This is so beautiful, Lisa. Culturally, I think we do a pretty dreadful job talking about grief and loss and death and dying. I understand the inclination to protect a four-year-old from seeing someone she loves, suffering. Or an eight-year-old, or a teenager. It’s a lot for full-grown adults, frankly. I am still traumatized by some of the things I experienced and witnessed with my mom in the ICU. Working through it, but it’s been a lot.
I don’t know how my grandma looked that last day. Maybe it would have been too scary for me to see her. I think about my mother at the end and she didn’t want to FaceTime with my kids because she didn’t want them to remember her like that. They said goodbye to her in August when we went to visit and she was still on her feet. She was tiny and ravaged, she had to type into an app and a robotic voice would speak for her, but she was still her. When I was in the ICU with her they would call and talk to her on speaker and she would smile or sometimes write something on a pad, and I would tell them, but they knew in August that was the last time they’d see her in person and they had time to process that and spend good time with her and tell her they loved her and give her real hugs and all those meaningful things.
I think it’s so sad when we don’t give our kids a space to process huge loss like this. I think there’s some hope that if it isn’t talked about the kids won’t notice or something, or it won’t affect them as deeply, but we both know it doesn’t work like that. The grief just stays with you and becomes part of your DNA. What else can it do and where can it go?
I have only heard good things about IFS, I think it’s wonderful you finally had a space to acknowledge such a huge loss. Grandmas are kind of magical when you’re lucky. Mine was and it sounds like yours was, too. I really don’t think she ever left me. I’m sending you a lot of love. Thanks so much for being here ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
That you for this essay that is right on time. The beautiful and moving words have me thinking of the women in my life who have had profound effects. I was writing about time and memory recently. I was pondering if we hold all the memories through our stories or if photographs help keep the memories. I suppose it doesn’t matter as long as we keep telling the most important stories.
Yes, photographs are so interesting that way, aren’t they? I’ve found so many in the last five years that I have either never seen before, or not in decades, because I’ve lost so many people. I found photos after my mom died that she had in tins in closets all over the apartment, often in sandwich bags with a note taped to the inside — “Summer 1987” that kind of thing. But then there’d be a random photo from her childhood, or from 2010. She was never great about organizing albums, but you can bet I am 🤣
Then my dad died and omg, more photos. Then my beloved aunt. Funny thing, almost all the photos from my childhood support my memories which is reassuring to say the least. But memory itself is interesting. They say every time you remember something you change it a little. Whoever they are.
But maybe it’s that *we* are always changing so every time we remember something our perspective has changed a little. I have so much more compassion for my mother than I did ten years ago, or twenty. I see things differently as a grown woman, having had my own experiences in this world. I think I understand her rage differently.
I could write for days about this, and actually it’s a big part of my memoir so I guess I do write for days about this stuff, haha. Thank you for being here, Sarelle. I appreciate you so much. Happy holidays, sending you a lot of love ❤️
So brilliantly pure, Ally. This feels like the water in a river swirling down a mountain.
Your phrase, “full-throated racism,” is spot-on. It must be exhausting. That kind of hatred consumes everything in its path, including the haters. I suppose it’s their remedy for the things they most fear: being mortal, vulnerable, no more or less important than anyone (or anything) else. But the true remedy, the only one that makes any sense, is what you prescribe, cherishing and delighting in life and love, all the way through.
Thank you so much for this! 💕
Thank you so much for being here, David. I do think people who are in support of all of this vitriol and violence are in their own kind of hell and I know they’re afraid. It’s so sad and such a waste to think your bigotry will somehow keep you safe. Hard to think of anything more ignorant or dangerous than that, but thankfully it isn’t all of us. I’m so grateful for people who feel just as strongly the other way. I really do think there are more of us. That’s what I try to remember on the harder days. Sending you a lot of love ❤️🩹
I am at a loss for words. 🙏🏻
Me, too, actually 🙏🏼Thank you so much for this, Elissa. You’ve made a painful night easier. Sending you a lot of love ❤️🩹❤️🩹
Ally. thank you for sharing. I've been there countless times with losing family members and friends. Dec 1st was the death anniversary of my best friend in the world. Dec 6 is my deceased father's birthday and Dec 7 is my deceased brother's birthday and also the death anniversary of another cherish friend. and Dec 26 is the birthday of another brother who passed away. December is a very difficult month for me. I dread Christmas. The world goes on but mine has stopped.
Oh Yvonne, I am so sorry. That is a lot of loss to hold inside of one month. And around the holidays, no less. My heart hurts for you and it goes out to you. I hope you’re able to take some time just for you. I have found that little rituals help, no idea if this is useful to anyone but me, but sometimes I write letters to people I miss. Who’s to say they aren’t over my shoulder reading them, or that the words aren’t going out into the ether somehow? I also light candles for my mother, grandmother and aunt whenever I find myself by a church where you can do that. I’m not Catholic and my mother was lapsed. My grandmother and aunt were Catholic. I think my mother would like it even though she was not religious. It’s just a way of saying hi for me. I also just talk to her inside my head a lot. Anyway, I am so sorry for your pain, and I’m sending you a lot of love this month especially. I’m very glad you’re here ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Ally, thank you so much for your kindness. It means the world to me. I am exhausted, just empty. I am alone. Could you offer some suggestions on how to navigate and survive Christmas with all that pain and absolutely no support as I am in a Domestic Violence situation on top of it all? Any suggestions or advice would be so appreciated.
I do light candles (in my home) as I left the Catholic church a long time ago. I ask the deceased ones to help me find peace, strength and love and a way out of this hell. Much love to you and blessings. ❤ 🤗 ❤
I can't "like" this comment because it hurts my heart to think of you in this situation, Yvonne. I'm probably going to give you the same advice anyone would. I don't know if you're ready to leave? That's probably the first question. If you are ready, I don't know what resources are available to you. Do you have family or close friends nearby? Do you feel unsafe to try to leave? If so, you need help making a plan to go. I think there are so many factors I don't know, it's hard to answer. If you think your phone is being checked, or your laptop, be sure to erase your search history every day. If there's a library near you, there are computers you can use, and search for DV resources in your area. You are important and you don't deserve to be hurt. I know I am not telling you anything you don't know. Do you have any trusted people in your life? Anyone who knows what you're going through who can help?
I have been in relationships where I felt my physical safety was in jeopardy. They are not sustainable, and it only escalates. You do need to leave, Yvonne. As far as getting through Christmas, oh love. Just remind yourself that everyone who ever loved you is still with you. They live inside your heart and mind and in your memories and I promise they are rooting for you. No one who ever loved you would want this for you, so you gather yourself together and start seeing a path out. That's the first step. In your mind, start imagining a way out. Start seeing yourself somewhere else in a new life even if it's you in a tiny studio somewhere with a dog or a cat or a goldfish. Somewhere you are safe. I really think you have to see it first, then you can start taking steps to get there. I hope that helps even a tiny bit. Sending you a ton of love.
So beautifully wise and poignant. Blessings to you as you think about your mama, especially at this time of year.
Thank you so much, Mary. I try to give myself a lot of grace and space to grieve. Some days I do better than others. Thank you for being here ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
What a beautiful piece of writing. Like you it’s been almost 4 years since my mum passed. I still find seeing mums and daughters together painful. I understood on a very deep level how devastating that must have been for you. Thank you for being so open and honest. The enraging thing, and you articulate it so clearly, is when so many others choose to spend their one short time here on this earth full of hatred and making life more difficult for everyone else, bar a few of their cronies. Unfathomable. Sending you light and healing as we head into the festive season.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Marie. And it is so hard to watch people burn through their precious time with all this rage in their hearts. It’s such a waste. I didn’t dwell on it too long, but one of my bigger heartbreaks is that my mother had her own rage for most of her life. It wasn’t the kind that led to hatred towards others. She didn’t other people. She dealt with a lot of trauma and the rage was often directed at me and she quelled it by drinking which made it worse.
I wish so much that she’d been able to admit that she needed help because we could have had so much more than three really loving weeks, but on the other hand, I’m so grateful I had those weeks. The alternative would have been so much harder to live with. I miss her every day. I feel her with me all the time, and my grandma too. So it’s okay and it also hurts. I know you understand. I’m sending you a lot of love and wishes for a peaceful holiday season as well ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 Thank you for being here xx
Thank you Ally for taking the time to reply. I’m so sorry your mother wasn’t able to reach out for help earlier, such is the way so often with trauma 😔, but so glad you were able to connect lovingly in her last few weeks. What a difference that must make. And to feel your mother and Grandma still with you is a special thing indeed. Take care, and thank you for your warm wishes xx
I LOVE this with my whole heart. Sending you the biggest hug and so grateful for your writing.
Thank you so much, Mojgan. You made my night.
Somehow, I missed this when it first came out and now I've read it and I'm torn between vomiting out 100 different comments or taking the time away to think and come back to comment, though I'm leaning toward the former.
Ok, def. the former. I say 100, because there are 100 different ideas in here, each one in a sentence that you've managed to weave together into one essay, even though it's 100. What a skill to have, Ally! I remember when my sons reached the age that they would remember me if I died--it was something I used to think about, not a lot, but enough, that if I died when they were too small to remember me they would not know me at all. How cruel, right? To carry and birth, to love and raise a child and be taken away without the memory of mother cemented in their cerebral cortex. When they reached that age, maybe 8 or 9, I remember feeling like I could take a breath, that even if something happened, they would know me. It's a bit of hubris, but also that question of will they understand just how much I loved them? I'll have to come back for the other 99 thoughts.
I do know what you mean. I don’t know if you read that excruciating and gorgeous essay by Tatiana Schlossberg, “A Battle with my Blood”? She was writing about that, amongst many other things. The immense sorrow of not knowing whether her son will remember her, and feeling sure her daughter will not. It was gutting to read. It’s also stunning. Anyway, as ever, I thank you for being here, Dina. I always love one thought from you, or 100. Grateful ❤️🩹🙏🏼
I have somewhere to be in a few minutes, otherwise I would let myself sob over this beautiful piece of writing. Your words will be savored again later. Thank you for sharing yourself.
Thank you for being here and for being so open. I appreciate it, and you ❤️🩹❤️🩹
I lost my mom earlier this year, and this comes the closest to express how it is to grieve when you feel like the world is going to shit.
I am so sorry about your mom. You have my deepest condolences. I do think the feeling of being untethered or unmoored must be amplified when it feels like the world is not making any sense at all. You want to shake people and ask how much time they think they have to be distracted by things that don’t matter. Or why they’d ever use the time they have to be terrible to other people. It’s such a waste. Sending you so much love. My heart truly goes out to you ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Your line, “Fifty years of us together, but only three weeks the way it should have been. Which is weird, considering where we were, and that she was dying,” is so relatable to me. I had a fraught, disapproval-on-both-sides relationship with my mother my whole life, until she was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer and had two weeks to six months to live. Suddenly none of the bullshit mattered anymore. We laid next to each other in her bed before she napped and said the things we should have been saying all along. Miraculously, she somehow filled the hole in my heart that longed for her acceptance when she died, and it lives with me still.
Lovely heartfelt writing Ally ❤️
Oh Renee, I’m so happy for both of you that you got that time together. I often think about how much worse it would have been if we hadn’t gotten there in the end. I would have had to live with so much grief. Not just the grief of losing her, but the grief of never having had her in a truly loving way at all. Sending you a lot of love. I’m really glad you’re here ❤️🩹❤️
Thank you so much! My mother died 13 years ago tomorrow and this just touched me
I’m so sorry for your loss, Barbara. I’ve never experienced anything like it. I feel even more sad for my mom, losing her mom at 28. Sending you a lot of love ❤️🩹❤️🩹