Wow. This is so good as a whole, but there were so many nuggets within that stand by themselves. Deciding not to be a shitweasel. Choosing kindness. Who assigned you to care. Loving the constitution.
What has disappointed me most the last 10 years, and especially this year, are the people who claim to be good people who choose not to see the reality around us. There are friends and acquaintances I’ve quietly distanced myself from, not because of politics, but because of their lack of values and the casual cruelty.
I could have written this myself, Susan. I have felt so disappointed by so many people. People I thought never would have watched while their friends were treated poorly, or shrugged it off, or decided to focus on other things. I think those are the people who amaze me the most, the ones who know very well what’s happening, but don’t care because they feel insulated for whatever reason. It’s astounding and heartbreaking. Hugs to you. You’re definitely not alone in those feelings x
I unequivocally and abruptly ended a friendship when I finally realized we did not hold the same values. Perhaps he never did, and changing external conditions finally revealed it. I never realized belief in democracy was a friendship requirement until then.
I’m in the same boat, Nancy. I have walked away from a 20+ year friendship because he’s gone to the dark side. I just can’t do it. It’s not politics, it’s ethics and morals and basic human decency. He’s a yoga teacher 😳 I just can’t 🤷🏻♀️
I got so much out of this post - so many learnings and reminders. Thank you as always. “Changed behavior is a living apology. Words are easy” - very well said.
Thank you so much, Julia. I always gulp a little when the unsubscribes pour in (it always happens, it’s par for the course), so these early comments set my heart at ease. I appreciate you!!
Wow, Ally. So powerful. As a high school English teacher, I broke up three fights. One of my colleagues asked why I would get involved. “Huge liability issues. You could get in trouble.” I said that if my daughter was ever in a situation like that (one of the fights involved girls), and an ADULT simply walked by without intervening … I mean, if we aren’t taking care of our most vulnerable members of our community, who are we watching out for? I could go on with more reflection on your writing, but I’ll stop now. ☮️
This thought occurred to me a few years ago and it lives in my brain and in my body - “There’s no such thing as other people’s children.” I really believe that. I don’t think I have it in me to do anything other than what I would hope someone would do for my own kids if I wasn’t there. And in all reality my kids came through me, but they belong to themselves and to the world. We all belong to each other, so wtf are we doing? That’s really how I feel. I would have loved if my kids ended up in your class, Vince. Thanks for being here❤️🩹
My daughter’s name is Jessica. After a particularly grumpy day with my sophomore English students, I wrote in smallish letters in the upper right corner of my whiteboard, “they are all somebody’s Jessica.” I wanted that reminder for every interaction. I wasn’t perfect, but I was authentic.
Thank you, Francesca. And I don’t know, honestly. I’m exhausted by the people who are supporting this madness and even before all this, I’ve always been exhausted by people who can’t just be kind. It’s so much easier than any of the other options!!
Your precious son’s baby face—how could anyone make him bend his arm?? And the minister shot in the head with rubber bullets? And the young girl who was pepper sprayed directly in her face? I cannot get these images out of my mind. How do people not see??
I don’t know, truly. I don’t understand how anyone could watch the minister getting shot in the head or the woman getting pepper sprayed in the face, or the mother last week being thrown to the floor in the vestibule of the courthouse because she had the audacity to be devastated her husband was being detained and deported after they attended their immigration appointment - and be like, good. That wouldn’t have happened if they’d stayed home. Or whatever insane way people justify these things.
The nurse with my son’s arm…I mean, I can give her the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure when he first came in it wasn’t as swollen as it became and I have no doubt she believed it wasn’t broken. Do I think it was insane that she made him bend and straighten his arm in any case? 100% yes. But I can forgive that part and trust she didn’t mean to cause him further harm. The not calling to check on him after she knew it was broken? No fucking way. Smh.
When I was in the 5th grade we were sent to recess on a cold winter day. Our friend fell on the playground and broke his collarbone, we could get no help. I still remember watching him cry. None of the teacher would pass up their free period. All this to say, don’t give the nurse or principal a break,they likely don’t deserve it.
Wow, that is horrific, Teddy. Some people should not be working with kids, full stop. I was lucky to have had mostly wonderful teachers (with a few noteworthy exceptions) and my kids have had the same experience. I agree, neither the principal nor the nurse get a pass for failing to call us. I don’t think the nurse realized how serious his injury was when he first went in, but the lack of care she showed after really got to me. Anyway, what an awful thing for you to have witnessed and for your little friend to have experienced 😞
Here’s to the people who are kind and always try to help. Hugs.
I didn’t read your words, I felt your words. I couldn’t help but feel like the words had to get out of you in a hurry and maybe you felt a little better after they did?? Don’t know how else to say it. I loved reading this. If we were in the same room then I think we might have to hug. You just get it.
Thank you, Shar, that is *such* a lovely comment. The first half did not erupt quickly, but the second half did. I’m so tired of the cruelty and the gaslighting and the refusal to call things what they are. But even after I got the second half out I went back over the whole thing and edited more times than I can say.
Totally worth it if you feel like you’d give me a hug if you read it while we were in the same room. I’d gladly accept and hug you back. Thank you for being here❤️🩹❤️🩹
I hated reading this for all the reasons one should hate it. Because of the pain and all the casual injustice that frankly only a lawsuit could have touched. Those people didn't care enough (or were not thankful enough that you didn't sue) to ask you how he was.
Yes, it’s true, some people will only care when it hurts them, personally. Sadly we are seeing a lot of that right now.
As it turned out, the school failed on its own and was shuttered a few years later. Maybe more than a few, it might have been five years? But we’d long been at the new school by then, which turned out to be a gem for both of my kids. And they might have been too little to totally understand why we switched, but I think it was a good seed to plant - we don’t stay in a place where people don’t treat us well. It’s so hard when your own country starts to be a place where you don’t feel safe. Hopefully we can turn things around. Thanks for being here, Julie ❤️🩹
I fell of the monkey bars in first grade in 1976 and broke my elbow. I was too scared to go to the nurse. The awful teacher I had…. Said stop crying and I’ll call your mom and you won’t have to do your work book. Some things just keep being recycled. Broken elbows, abortion rights, and all you do eloquently wrote.
Ugh. The whole “stop crying” thing hurts my heart. I can’t even count how many times I tried not to cry as a kid. Or tried not to feel whatever I was feeling because a grownup told me not to. As if we could just stuff the feelings down and they’d evaporate 🙊🙉🙈Anyway, I thank you for being here. I wish we did not have to keep fighting the same fights. New ones would at least feel like some kind of progress. Smh. Hugs, onward, nevertheless we persist ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
Thank you for this. They would deport that rabble-rousing left-wing-lunatic bleeding-heart love-thy-neighbor blessed-are-the-meek Jesus guy in a NY minute—also Noah, Moses, Abraham, Isaac, Ishmael, Sarah, Cain, Able, Adam, Eve: the whole lot of them wild-eyed prophetic types. It’s one thing to know not what you are doing, and quite another to choose to not know, choose to not care. 💗
It really is a terrible thing to reckon with, but I guess I’d rather know than not. Of course, what I’d really prefer is that no one was willing to allow people to suffer this way. It’s amazing and horrifying to see people justify cruelty “in the name of the lord” …
I barely hold it together everyday. I'm pretty isolated (a blue in a very red state) and am so lonely and sad that our country is going like this. When I read comments and they are heartless and based on lies my heart breaks and I have to fight harder to keep getting up and not wail/sob daily. When I read your writing I often choke up (sometimes cry) because I'm so grateful that there is AT LEAST one other person/someone else who sees the same things as I do. The difference is that you so eloquently write what I feel. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're writing feels like home; both about the current state of the country and your life/observations about being a woman. Thank you. Please keep sharing with us. ❤️
I really feel you. I was beating myself up a little over the last few weeks because I’ve been finding it hard to do anything. I’m still doing the things I *need* to do, but it’s been such a struggle. I’m down so much of the time and that just isn’t like me. I’m usually productive to a fault. Then I realized I’m depressed because yeah. Obviously. It hurts to see people suffering and it hurts to see our country being overtaken by this ideology I find abhorrent and it hurts to see our own government attacking its people. It hurts to see friends supporting this or ignoring it. It all hurts and I’m really feeling it, and you know what? I’d rather be me than someone out there going about my business like everything is fine. So I tried to be a little gentler with myself this weekend, and of course I got more done. Shocker. Anyway I’m sending you so much love. It’s just hard right now. Try to be kind to yourself. The fact that you’re struggling just means you’re paying attention and you care about people and your country and you care about decency and how things are for other people. Those are all really good things. Message me anytime, I mean it. Hugs ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Grateful to you, Ally, for articulating all of this alongside such a relatable example. A standout part for me, though there were many other skillfully crafted lines, is one I try very hard to embody. I find myself tumbling toward hypocrisy without even realizing it, sometimes, but this concept brings me back: "Everyone gets to decide who they’re going to be in this world. Not everyone decides to be a lying shitweasel."
I may have previously mentioned my recent, deliberate, private communication with a former high school friend who, based on what he'd written publicly, I thought was truly in a place of trying to exist in the messy middle. I thought he was taking his values on a little exploratory journey to see if he could find mutual respect for other people even if they had different political preferences. I thought he wanted to see if folks from both sides could find common ground and maybe advocate together for something better than what we have.
Nope. I was so wrong. What he wanted was someone to validate his insistence that everything happening is the fault of the left. Two days ago he wrote:
"Wondering if any of my liberal friends are finally, finally, finally waking up to the hypocrisy of the politicians, and the media, that you have worshiped for the last 15 years?? They have done nothing but lie to you, cheat you, and steal from you. They have completely conned you. If you are still towing the party line, the irony is absolutely comical, and should be the biggest wake-up call you've ever had. Don't hit the 'snooze' button."
I won't be reaching out again.
I appreciate you and all who are holding the line for basic human decency. Dangit, it's so hard to press on, but what choice is there, right?
It really feels like we are in the upside down sometimes, doesn’t it? I lost a friend recently, too, over this same stuff. I think we did talk about it. There’s not much you can do if someone is looking at everything we’re seeing and still on board with it. It’s impossible for me to fathom, but clearly there are a lot of people who are not only okay with all of this insanity, they’re in favor of it. I’d rather spend my time with people who are struggling because watching all of this happening here is so painful. Those are the folks who get my energy these days, and that’s the energy I want to be around, too.
Like you, I did try to get through to my friend, but he’s gone. Hugs to you, Elizabeth, it really hurts ❤️🩹❤️🩹
My heart goes out to you Ally. Last year, shortly before Christmas break was scheduled to begin, we had to change very suddenly and unexpectedly change our 8yo son's school for a very similar reason. Except his injuries weren't physical, he was being targeted and bullied, first by a student in his classroom and then by grown adults working at the school. Although the details aren't the same the two injuries do bear striking similarity. Adults we entrusted with our child's hearts every single day did not listen to them. Your son went to the nurse. My son went to his teacher. The nurse did not believe your son. My son's teacher did not believe him. They waited hours to tell you about your son's injury. It was days before we heard about the incident with my son. I'm so sorry your Mama heart, your son and your family had to endure that. I hope he is doing well with his new placement. It has been difficult learning to put trust, not only into a school again, but back into myself.
Oh Kim, I am so sorry you, your son and your family went through that. My heart truly hurts for you, because the only thing worse than thinking of your child with a broken bone - trying to manage that pain without you - is thinking of them with a broken heart 😔 I am so sorry his teacher didn’t believe him, and I hope he’s doing really well at his new school 🙏🏼🙏🏼
My son is now 18 and just started his sophomore year of college, and my daughter is 16, now a junior in high school. The broken elbow happened about 12 years ago. He’s since broken his wrist (skateboarding with no wrist guards 20 minutes after I dropped off wrist guards so he wouldn’t skateboard without them 😬🫠) - and his finger from catching a ball in a wonky way. His arm and hand are all good now, happy to say.
My daughter hasn’t broken any bones, thankfully, though she did have a playground injury that probably caused me to lose a few years off my life - we’ll never know.
But both kids have had painful things happen in friend groups that frayed, or with kids at school who did cruel or even violent things that were hard to comprehend. I was not always sure about the best way to handle that. The violence (one occurrence) I took to the school. I’d say I was satisfied but not thrilled with the way things were handled.
The more “emotional” stuff that happened along the way that didn’t rise to the level where I’d involve the school - I learned quickly that you don’t go to the other parents, either, disappointing as that is. That was my experience, in any case. People generally do not want to hear negative things about their own children.
It’s sad to me because I would always want to know if my child was behaving in a way that would cause another child pain. I know there are parents who feel that way and mean it, but it’s surprisingly hard to figure out which ones they are. Sometimes if you say something to a parent, it backfires - that’s what happened for us the one time I went that route. So those issues we navigated together.
I didn’t always know the right thing to do or the best way to manage every situation, but now that my kids are older, I will say we seem to have done all right.
I guess I’m writing this long essay to you because I hate that you are beating yourself up, and I did that to myself, too. There are no guidebooks for these things, you just do the best you can. As soon as you understood what happened to your son, you took action. He won’t forget that, Kim. He knows you have his back.
The best thing I did as a mom was keep the lines of communication open. My kids tell me everything. Sometimes I think, dang, I did not need to know that 😳😳 Kidding, mostly. I never grounded my kids when they screwed up, or took a phone away or got punitive, we just talked. So they never had a reason to hide anything from me. And they both know I would breathe fire for them. And they’re both secure, happy people who are incredibly kind, but take no shit.
I guess I wanted to say all that to you because we’re a little further down the pike, and you do not have to get everything exactly right, I am so happy to tell you. Just the important things. You’re doing that. I’m so sorry your trust was betrayed, but you can still trust your gut. You got him out of there. You’re engaged, you’re paying attention. You’re doing great and he’s going to be okay because of that. Truly. Message me anytime. Hugs and so much love to you and your boy. This mothering thing is hard as hell and it’s because you care so much. You love so hard. Those are good things. Maybe you didn’t need to hear any of this, but there were times I suffered so much because I was worried I had missed something that I shouldn’t have, and that my kids wouldn’t recover. Try to let yourself off the rack, that’s what I’d go back and say to myself. And since I can’t, I guess I thought I’d say that to you for whatever it’s worth 💕💕
I'll never be able to articulate accurately how very much I needed to hear this. My oldest is 21, this is my youngest, but best believe I still haven't figured out how to not beat myself up over this parenting journey. And the universe always knows when I need a reminder to not be so hard on myself, and to let myself down off the rack. Today that reminder came in the kindness of your words, and for that, I'll never be able to thank you enough.
🥹🥹 you’re further down the pike than I am as it turns out. I think my takeaway here is we always need each other because this gig is not easy. I beat myself up sometimes, too. It’s probably the nature of the beast. Maybe we should just go around lifting each other off the rack when needed! Huge hugs ❤️
My daughter broke her arm in preschool when she was 4. I found out about the fall at her regular pickup time and honestly the description of the incident sounded like nothing, her arm looked like nothing, and her pain reaction looked like nothing. It was only the urgency with which she told me about the fall and the pain that set off my alarms, and I went to the hospital purely based on that intuition and against all rational decision making. Sure enough, though, she needed a cast.
The next day both her teacher and the director came to apologize. They apologized to her first, kneeling on the ground to address her. That did it for me. Shit happens and mistakes can be made. But empathy, self reflection, a choice to be of service to the most vulnerable, goes a long way.
I think this is all most of us ever want - just some kindness and compassion. I’ll forgive any mistake when a person is genuinely sorry and there was no ill intent. I love the way this was handled, thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. I hope your daughter’s arm healed up good as new xx
Wow. This is so good as a whole, but there were so many nuggets within that stand by themselves. Deciding not to be a shitweasel. Choosing kindness. Who assigned you to care. Loving the constitution.
What has disappointed me most the last 10 years, and especially this year, are the people who claim to be good people who choose not to see the reality around us. There are friends and acquaintances I’ve quietly distanced myself from, not because of politics, but because of their lack of values and the casual cruelty.
I could have written this myself, Susan. I have felt so disappointed by so many people. People I thought never would have watched while their friends were treated poorly, or shrugged it off, or decided to focus on other things. I think those are the people who amaze me the most, the ones who know very well what’s happening, but don’t care because they feel insulated for whatever reason. It’s astounding and heartbreaking. Hugs to you. You’re definitely not alone in those feelings x
I unequivocally and abruptly ended a friendship when I finally realized we did not hold the same values. Perhaps he never did, and changing external conditions finally revealed it. I never realized belief in democracy was a friendship requirement until then.
I’m in the same boat, Nancy. I have walked away from a 20+ year friendship because he’s gone to the dark side. I just can’t do it. It’s not politics, it’s ethics and morals and basic human decency. He’s a yoga teacher 😳 I just can’t 🤷🏻♀️
I got so much out of this post - so many learnings and reminders. Thank you as always. “Changed behavior is a living apology. Words are easy” - very well said.
Thank you so much, Julia. I always gulp a little when the unsubscribes pour in (it always happens, it’s par for the course), so these early comments set my heart at ease. I appreciate you!!
Wow, Ally. So powerful. As a high school English teacher, I broke up three fights. One of my colleagues asked why I would get involved. “Huge liability issues. You could get in trouble.” I said that if my daughter was ever in a situation like that (one of the fights involved girls), and an ADULT simply walked by without intervening … I mean, if we aren’t taking care of our most vulnerable members of our community, who are we watching out for? I could go on with more reflection on your writing, but I’ll stop now. ☮️
This thought occurred to me a few years ago and it lives in my brain and in my body - “There’s no such thing as other people’s children.” I really believe that. I don’t think I have it in me to do anything other than what I would hope someone would do for my own kids if I wasn’t there. And in all reality my kids came through me, but they belong to themselves and to the world. We all belong to each other, so wtf are we doing? That’s really how I feel. I would have loved if my kids ended up in your class, Vince. Thanks for being here❤️🩹
My daughter’s name is Jessica. After a particularly grumpy day with my sophomore English students, I wrote in smallish letters in the upper right corner of my whiteboard, “they are all somebody’s Jessica.” I wanted that reminder for every interaction. I wasn’t perfect, but I was authentic.
That last line. My god. Loving you is easy math. Also, you're just phenomenal at this writing stuff.
Aw girl, loving you is easy math, too!! The easiest!! And I thank you and return the sentiment wholeheartedly 🥹🙏🏼
This is so good, Ally. Why everyone doesn’t think like this beats me! 🙏
Thank you, Francesca. And I don’t know, honestly. I’m exhausted by the people who are supporting this madness and even before all this, I’ve always been exhausted by people who can’t just be kind. It’s so much easier than any of the other options!!
Right?! Anyone who disagrees? I don’t want them anywhere near me.
Your essays say everything that I think and feel but more eloquently and I look forward to reading them. Thank you for writing 💛
Oh my gosh, thank you for saying that and for being here. I appreciate it so much 💛💛
Your precious son’s baby face—how could anyone make him bend his arm?? And the minister shot in the head with rubber bullets? And the young girl who was pepper sprayed directly in her face? I cannot get these images out of my mind. How do people not see??
I don’t know, truly. I don’t understand how anyone could watch the minister getting shot in the head or the woman getting pepper sprayed in the face, or the mother last week being thrown to the floor in the vestibule of the courthouse because she had the audacity to be devastated her husband was being detained and deported after they attended their immigration appointment - and be like, good. That wouldn’t have happened if they’d stayed home. Or whatever insane way people justify these things.
The nurse with my son’s arm…I mean, I can give her the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure when he first came in it wasn’t as swollen as it became and I have no doubt she believed it wasn’t broken. Do I think it was insane that she made him bend and straighten his arm in any case? 100% yes. But I can forgive that part and trust she didn’t mean to cause him further harm. The not calling to check on him after she knew it was broken? No fucking way. Smh.
Thank god only some people are shitweasels.
Shitweasel is my new favorite word. <3
Me too. As good as asshat
When I was in the 5th grade we were sent to recess on a cold winter day. Our friend fell on the playground and broke his collarbone, we could get no help. I still remember watching him cry. None of the teacher would pass up their free period. All this to say, don’t give the nurse or principal a break,they likely don’t deserve it.
Wow, that is horrific, Teddy. Some people should not be working with kids, full stop. I was lucky to have had mostly wonderful teachers (with a few noteworthy exceptions) and my kids have had the same experience. I agree, neither the principal nor the nurse get a pass for failing to call us. I don’t think the nurse realized how serious his injury was when he first went in, but the lack of care she showed after really got to me. Anyway, what an awful thing for you to have witnessed and for your little friend to have experienced 😞
Here’s to the people who are kind and always try to help. Hugs.
I didn’t read your words, I felt your words. I couldn’t help but feel like the words had to get out of you in a hurry and maybe you felt a little better after they did?? Don’t know how else to say it. I loved reading this. If we were in the same room then I think we might have to hug. You just get it.
Thank you, Shar, that is *such* a lovely comment. The first half did not erupt quickly, but the second half did. I’m so tired of the cruelty and the gaslighting and the refusal to call things what they are. But even after I got the second half out I went back over the whole thing and edited more times than I can say.
Totally worth it if you feel like you’d give me a hug if you read it while we were in the same room. I’d gladly accept and hug you back. Thank you for being here❤️🩹❤️🩹
I hated reading this for all the reasons one should hate it. Because of the pain and all the casual injustice that frankly only a lawsuit could have touched. Those people didn't care enough (or were not thankful enough that you didn't sue) to ask you how he was.
What a failure of a school.
What a world we live in.
Yes, it’s true, some people will only care when it hurts them, personally. Sadly we are seeing a lot of that right now.
As it turned out, the school failed on its own and was shuttered a few years later. Maybe more than a few, it might have been five years? But we’d long been at the new school by then, which turned out to be a gem for both of my kids. And they might have been too little to totally understand why we switched, but I think it was a good seed to plant - we don’t stay in a place where people don’t treat us well. It’s so hard when your own country starts to be a place where you don’t feel safe. Hopefully we can turn things around. Thanks for being here, Julie ❤️🩹
I fell of the monkey bars in first grade in 1976 and broke my elbow. I was too scared to go to the nurse. The awful teacher I had…. Said stop crying and I’ll call your mom and you won’t have to do your work book. Some things just keep being recycled. Broken elbows, abortion rights, and all you do eloquently wrote.
Ugh. The whole “stop crying” thing hurts my heart. I can’t even count how many times I tried not to cry as a kid. Or tried not to feel whatever I was feeling because a grownup told me not to. As if we could just stuff the feelings down and they’d evaporate 🙊🙉🙈Anyway, I thank you for being here. I wish we did not have to keep fighting the same fights. New ones would at least feel like some kind of progress. Smh. Hugs, onward, nevertheless we persist ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
Thank you for this. They would deport that rabble-rousing left-wing-lunatic bleeding-heart love-thy-neighbor blessed-are-the-meek Jesus guy in a NY minute—also Noah, Moses, Abraham, Isaac, Ishmael, Sarah, Cain, Able, Adam, Eve: the whole lot of them wild-eyed prophetic types. It’s one thing to know not what you are doing, and quite another to choose to not know, choose to not care. 💗
It really is a terrible thing to reckon with, but I guess I’d rather know than not. Of course, what I’d really prefer is that no one was willing to allow people to suffer this way. It’s amazing and horrifying to see people justify cruelty “in the name of the lord” …
A large chunk of humanity has lost its humanity.
I barely hold it together everyday. I'm pretty isolated (a blue in a very red state) and am so lonely and sad that our country is going like this. When I read comments and they are heartless and based on lies my heart breaks and I have to fight harder to keep getting up and not wail/sob daily. When I read your writing I often choke up (sometimes cry) because I'm so grateful that there is AT LEAST one other person/someone else who sees the same things as I do. The difference is that you so eloquently write what I feel. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're writing feels like home; both about the current state of the country and your life/observations about being a woman. Thank you. Please keep sharing with us. ❤️
I really feel you. I was beating myself up a little over the last few weeks because I’ve been finding it hard to do anything. I’m still doing the things I *need* to do, but it’s been such a struggle. I’m down so much of the time and that just isn’t like me. I’m usually productive to a fault. Then I realized I’m depressed because yeah. Obviously. It hurts to see people suffering and it hurts to see our country being overtaken by this ideology I find abhorrent and it hurts to see our own government attacking its people. It hurts to see friends supporting this or ignoring it. It all hurts and I’m really feeling it, and you know what? I’d rather be me than someone out there going about my business like everything is fine. So I tried to be a little gentler with myself this weekend, and of course I got more done. Shocker. Anyway I’m sending you so much love. It’s just hard right now. Try to be kind to yourself. The fact that you’re struggling just means you’re paying attention and you care about people and your country and you care about decency and how things are for other people. Those are all really good things. Message me anytime, I mean it. Hugs ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Grateful to you, Ally, for articulating all of this alongside such a relatable example. A standout part for me, though there were many other skillfully crafted lines, is one I try very hard to embody. I find myself tumbling toward hypocrisy without even realizing it, sometimes, but this concept brings me back: "Everyone gets to decide who they’re going to be in this world. Not everyone decides to be a lying shitweasel."
I may have previously mentioned my recent, deliberate, private communication with a former high school friend who, based on what he'd written publicly, I thought was truly in a place of trying to exist in the messy middle. I thought he was taking his values on a little exploratory journey to see if he could find mutual respect for other people even if they had different political preferences. I thought he wanted to see if folks from both sides could find common ground and maybe advocate together for something better than what we have.
Nope. I was so wrong. What he wanted was someone to validate his insistence that everything happening is the fault of the left. Two days ago he wrote:
"Wondering if any of my liberal friends are finally, finally, finally waking up to the hypocrisy of the politicians, and the media, that you have worshiped for the last 15 years?? They have done nothing but lie to you, cheat you, and steal from you. They have completely conned you. If you are still towing the party line, the irony is absolutely comical, and should be the biggest wake-up call you've ever had. Don't hit the 'snooze' button."
I won't be reaching out again.
I appreciate you and all who are holding the line for basic human decency. Dangit, it's so hard to press on, but what choice is there, right?
It really feels like we are in the upside down sometimes, doesn’t it? I lost a friend recently, too, over this same stuff. I think we did talk about it. There’s not much you can do if someone is looking at everything we’re seeing and still on board with it. It’s impossible for me to fathom, but clearly there are a lot of people who are not only okay with all of this insanity, they’re in favor of it. I’d rather spend my time with people who are struggling because watching all of this happening here is so painful. Those are the folks who get my energy these days, and that’s the energy I want to be around, too.
Like you, I did try to get through to my friend, but he’s gone. Hugs to you, Elizabeth, it really hurts ❤️🩹❤️🩹
Yes -- just as we get to choose who we're going to be, we also get to choose where, how, and on whom we expend our energy!
It seems, sadly and tragically, that “common decency” is now an oxymoron if ever there was one.
When you boil it down, that’s probably the thing we need to change the most. Hugs to you, Paul.
My heart goes out to you Ally. Last year, shortly before Christmas break was scheduled to begin, we had to change very suddenly and unexpectedly change our 8yo son's school for a very similar reason. Except his injuries weren't physical, he was being targeted and bullied, first by a student in his classroom and then by grown adults working at the school. Although the details aren't the same the two injuries do bear striking similarity. Adults we entrusted with our child's hearts every single day did not listen to them. Your son went to the nurse. My son went to his teacher. The nurse did not believe your son. My son's teacher did not believe him. They waited hours to tell you about your son's injury. It was days before we heard about the incident with my son. I'm so sorry your Mama heart, your son and your family had to endure that. I hope he is doing well with his new placement. It has been difficult learning to put trust, not only into a school again, but back into myself.
Oh Kim, I am so sorry you, your son and your family went through that. My heart truly hurts for you, because the only thing worse than thinking of your child with a broken bone - trying to manage that pain without you - is thinking of them with a broken heart 😔 I am so sorry his teacher didn’t believe him, and I hope he’s doing really well at his new school 🙏🏼🙏🏼
My son is now 18 and just started his sophomore year of college, and my daughter is 16, now a junior in high school. The broken elbow happened about 12 years ago. He’s since broken his wrist (skateboarding with no wrist guards 20 minutes after I dropped off wrist guards so he wouldn’t skateboard without them 😬🫠) - and his finger from catching a ball in a wonky way. His arm and hand are all good now, happy to say.
My daughter hasn’t broken any bones, thankfully, though she did have a playground injury that probably caused me to lose a few years off my life - we’ll never know.
But both kids have had painful things happen in friend groups that frayed, or with kids at school who did cruel or even violent things that were hard to comprehend. I was not always sure about the best way to handle that. The violence (one occurrence) I took to the school. I’d say I was satisfied but not thrilled with the way things were handled.
The more “emotional” stuff that happened along the way that didn’t rise to the level where I’d involve the school - I learned quickly that you don’t go to the other parents, either, disappointing as that is. That was my experience, in any case. People generally do not want to hear negative things about their own children.
It’s sad to me because I would always want to know if my child was behaving in a way that would cause another child pain. I know there are parents who feel that way and mean it, but it’s surprisingly hard to figure out which ones they are. Sometimes if you say something to a parent, it backfires - that’s what happened for us the one time I went that route. So those issues we navigated together.
I didn’t always know the right thing to do or the best way to manage every situation, but now that my kids are older, I will say we seem to have done all right.
I guess I’m writing this long essay to you because I hate that you are beating yourself up, and I did that to myself, too. There are no guidebooks for these things, you just do the best you can. As soon as you understood what happened to your son, you took action. He won’t forget that, Kim. He knows you have his back.
The best thing I did as a mom was keep the lines of communication open. My kids tell me everything. Sometimes I think, dang, I did not need to know that 😳😳 Kidding, mostly. I never grounded my kids when they screwed up, or took a phone away or got punitive, we just talked. So they never had a reason to hide anything from me. And they both know I would breathe fire for them. And they’re both secure, happy people who are incredibly kind, but take no shit.
I guess I wanted to say all that to you because we’re a little further down the pike, and you do not have to get everything exactly right, I am so happy to tell you. Just the important things. You’re doing that. I’m so sorry your trust was betrayed, but you can still trust your gut. You got him out of there. You’re engaged, you’re paying attention. You’re doing great and he’s going to be okay because of that. Truly. Message me anytime. Hugs and so much love to you and your boy. This mothering thing is hard as hell and it’s because you care so much. You love so hard. Those are good things. Maybe you didn’t need to hear any of this, but there were times I suffered so much because I was worried I had missed something that I shouldn’t have, and that my kids wouldn’t recover. Try to let yourself off the rack, that’s what I’d go back and say to myself. And since I can’t, I guess I thought I’d say that to you for whatever it’s worth 💕💕
I'll never be able to articulate accurately how very much I needed to hear this. My oldest is 21, this is my youngest, but best believe I still haven't figured out how to not beat myself up over this parenting journey. And the universe always knows when I need a reminder to not be so hard on myself, and to let myself down off the rack. Today that reminder came in the kindness of your words, and for that, I'll never be able to thank you enough.
🥹🥹 you’re further down the pike than I am as it turns out. I think my takeaway here is we always need each other because this gig is not easy. I beat myself up sometimes, too. It’s probably the nature of the beast. Maybe we should just go around lifting each other off the rack when needed! Huge hugs ❤️
My daughter broke her arm in preschool when she was 4. I found out about the fall at her regular pickup time and honestly the description of the incident sounded like nothing, her arm looked like nothing, and her pain reaction looked like nothing. It was only the urgency with which she told me about the fall and the pain that set off my alarms, and I went to the hospital purely based on that intuition and against all rational decision making. Sure enough, though, she needed a cast.
The next day both her teacher and the director came to apologize. They apologized to her first, kneeling on the ground to address her. That did it for me. Shit happens and mistakes can be made. But empathy, self reflection, a choice to be of service to the most vulnerable, goes a long way.
I think this is all most of us ever want - just some kindness and compassion. I’ll forgive any mistake when a person is genuinely sorry and there was no ill intent. I love the way this was handled, thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. I hope your daughter’s arm healed up good as new xx
When I was his age, I was pushed off the play equipment with a similar result. The school staff were a bit more sympathetic to me though.
Seems a lot of us have these stories! Glad you fared a little better after the fall. Thanks for being here❤️🩹