I want this world where French toast for the table is a thing that happens every morning, and clothing that says it’s tagless means it’s actually tagless. Not tagless at the neck but then sewn into the bottom seam is a stiff itchy tag the length of a CVS receipt. wtf man.
There’s a world of things in this essay that need saying and for the life of me I can’t figure out how you weave it all together so beautifully, but then I remember you’re just magic. And your heart is ginormous magic. And then I remember. Thank you for how hard you work at cutting the itchy tags from our collective distress. You make it better. 🫶🏻
French Toast for the table is genius and we all deserve that joy, and at least one person who's willing to go all in on it with us. One day we are going for brunch and having that as our appetizer. And these bs tagless shirts or pants that have those crazy tags "at the bottom" and ALSO the itchy lettering *in place of the tag* are not going to cut it. Pun intended. Only you would say this thing about "cutting the itchy tags from our collective distress" and I am so grateful I get to call you friend. I'm the luckiest <3
Thank you for this! I cried and want to send this to so many people I know. Thank you.
On another note - I wish I could send you to my doctor in Germany - she told me that HRT is "Replacement Therapy". That means we have this hormone the whole time and with a correct dosage, the cancer risk isn't any higher than before. It's amazing what up-to-date research can do for everyone!
I am so thankful this moved you, and I wish I could go to your doctor in Germany, too. She sounds fantastic. Hopefully the doctor here will be good. I love my GP and this is her referral, so fingers crossed. Thank you for being here! Hugs xox
That’s exactly what I said to my GP when he asked me when I was going to come off HRT. I said, “my body has been making estrogen for years. Why is it all of a sudden bad for me?” I see a breast health specialist bc my mother and maternal grandmother both had breast cancer and she is absolutely fine with it, so it’s her opinion I care just about.
Ally, I don’t think I’ve cried harder than I did reading this, especially the first part. I’m afraid I gave my children the kind of father you had and I’m so ashamed.
Oh Leandra I really wish you wouldn’t do that to yourself. None of us do that on purpose (pick a dad like my dad). We fall in love with people. Your kids wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t. And they have you❤️🩹❤️🩹
And also yay for HRT. It really doesn’t make sense that something we’ve always produced would suddenly be bad for us.
This was such a roller coaster and I was with you at every up and down. My therapy got cancelled yesterday and this morning I was about to go do some chores but I opened up my email instead and saw this and sat down immediately and said "guess I'm getting therapy after all."
"I just knew I wanted to disappear." That line. Man do I still carry that feeling with me and it started in pretty much the same place you described here. You covered so much, so beautifully.
That feeling of wanting to disappear hurts all the way to your bones as you know. I wish you didn't. Hugs to you, Cody. And I just read your piece and I loved it so, so much. So I’m glad our mornings worked out and here’s to more wild gardens 🌱
My dad was an impatient, imperious disciplinarian who yelled. One time, he took me for a walk in the woods and he held my hand. We dug up a small fir and planted it in front of the house. It’s hard to reconcile that man with who he was most of the time. That tree got too big for the house and after 30 years, the new owners cut it down. By then I had not spoken to him in decades.
Oh Ellen. This comment is like a tiny essay and my heart hurts for you. I relate to this, too. It's always so painful when we remember the tiniest things — "he held my hand" — something that should be commonplace, but isn't at all. My mom used to be kind to me when I was sick. She didn't show me much affection the rest of the time, but if I had a fever, she'd put her hand on my forehead. I am both grateful and sad I can remember what that felt like so vividly. Hugs to you my friend <3
Ally. I love your writing so much. I just know our child parts would’ve been friends in the 70’s. I also cut tags out of everything, and I’m grateful because I ended up raising two children on the autism spectrum and they needed me to understand. 🥰 Keep writing my love. You have so much wisdom to share. And such a lovely way of sharing it.
I got an ADHD diagnosis about 18 months ago. I think because of who my parents were and for a million other reasons, I learned how to cope as a kid. I came up with strategies that worked for decades. I also have a photographic memory even though "they" say that isn't a thing now, but I don't know how to explain my brain if it isn't. I think that really saved me, or helped me mask symptoms. I never had problems in school except I'd often procrastinate. Anyway, I have not experienced the anger or grief a lot of late-stage diagnosis people seem to go through, I feel more relieved and grateful because so many things kind of fell into place. I'm sure we would have been friends, too, Janeen. And your kids are so lucky to have you <3
So many things in this one but mostly what I want to tell you is my Nana died when I was four and I remember her, too, the way you remember your Grandma. How her hands felt when she shared her lotion, the kind of candy she kept on hand, the way sunlight caught her eyes, how her voice sounded when she was talking to my mom in the other room... just... yes to kindness. I wish you peaceful sleep tonight.
This is what I’m saying and I love that you have these memories, too. My grandma holds such a huge and special place in my heart. I wouldn’t be me without her and I’m not sure I’d even be here at all. I had so many things I wanted to say to that man in those comments, but I knew he meant well. So I just put all my words here instead, and I’m grateful you have added yours. Grandmas are amazing, and so are little kids. No one can ever guess what will imprint on our hearts. I’m grateful for your huge heart and your kindness, Mary Beth ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Ally, I read your gut-wrenching and beautiful-as-always essay, then all the comments. I hope you feel deep pleasure for the beauty and good you are putting into the world. You are helping to speed the arrival of that heavenly world I know will eventually be created. I’m an idealist as well and your writing tethers me to this incomprehensibly amazing life as few other things do. Thank you so much and may your heart continue to heal as you take the time and pain to share your journey with us. So much respect.
As a side but somewhat related comment: I believe women, as a whole, are many millennia ahead of us in doing good, processing grief productively, and holding space and love for the broken, just to name a few things. I wish I could adequately thank all of you. May your goodness and wisdom be your satisfaction. Peace.
Ally, thank you for writing about hard stuff, and telling your stories with such truth. I have lots of thoughts about what you’ve written here — too many for a coherent comment. I just wanted to say thank you and I’m sad you were hurt as an innocent child. I too aspire for a better world and feel like together we can create it.
Ally, I could write about 15 stories based on everything you covered here. I will say that you will survive menopause and your sanity that it tries to take from you does return. I saw a meme the other day that said if a portal opened up in front of me I would walk right through no questions asked. That pretty much describes where I am at. We are escaping for a short trip next week to celebrate my 70th birthday. I'm longing for uninterrupted sleep without nightmares and I will try not to look at the cameras aimed at my cat children while we are gone too many times a day. Hugs!
Oh Mary, Happy (early) Birthday! I hope you have a wonderful, restful time away, and that you feel cherished and celebrated. I am sure your cat children will miss you, but I am also sure they would tell you to have a great trip if they could :) And thank you for the reassurance regarding sleep, hormones, etc. Sending you a lot of love xox
Yes!!!!!! Phew. Ok, now that I can breathe I will try to say at least something coherent. I just love your writing and your courage. Thank you. The moment you wrote “He hadn’t said goodbye when he left” I knew it wasn’t going to be good. He came at you with scissors when you were so little and so vulnerable!! I felt you quietly crying in that pillow. What a POS. And what a POS N was for not cutting his balls (oops I mean tags) off. I want to hug that little girl and I want to hug you now. I feel the fire in this and I feel how tired you were (are). However…as long as people like you are shining a light on the darkness, and we are reaching each other (like this) using whatever tools we have, then I believe there is hope. 💕 🐺
Thanks so much for your kind comments, Shar. And yeah, I don’t know what the circumstances were that made him leave without saying goodbye. I don’t know if my parents somehow thought that would be better, if my dad couldn’t do it without breaking down and making it about him (even though my mom had given him so many chances to be faithful at that point) or if they fought and he left unexpectedly. I just know that’s what happened. And N was actually very sweet to me. She tried. He just did not let her have any power. She was even younger than my mom. There’s a long story there, but her family disowned her for moving in with my dad and his kid (me) and he ended up treating her so badly. So I can’t be upset with her. She was in her early twenties and in over her head 😔🤷🏻♀️What can you do.
And yes, I am tired and the insanity continues every day, but I also feel a renewed urgency to fight like hell, and we will and we must. We can’t have foot stomping aggressive tag cutters running the world, it just won’t do. So, we rise. Hugs to you my friend. Thank you for your kindness, and thank you for being here🥹❤️🩹
Another profoundly touching piece. I Iove how you write about grief, especially remembering your grandmother and the complex grief of your parents (although I know each one was different). I also want to say how much I appreciate your research. There is so much incorrect info, "facts" without references and plain misinformation that I truly stop and sigh with gratitude when I see careful work like yours.
Thank you so much, I appreciate this. Grief is like nothing else I’ve experienced. And thank you for the other comment, too. I think one of the hardest things growing up was seeing and feeling things that were clear and that hurt, but being told I wasn’t seeing what I saw or feeling what I felt. You can imagine how I react to that as a grown person, and I always assume I am not the only one! Sending you a lot of love, thank you for being here❤️🩹🙏🏼
Wow super powerful writing thank you for going way beyond connecting all the dots to say the least. The more I read the more I felt the connections. The personal is political and those scratchy tags must be cut out for sure. I am a newcomer to reading you and found my way here thanks to Linda Carrol who reposted this. I will keep reading and thank you.
I loved Somebody, Somewhere. Joel is one of the kindest characters in any story ever. We need more Joels. And somehow, you just keep opening your heart wide and sharing it with us. In spite of everything. Maybe fire-breathing dragons aren't afraid to do that because they know they can protect themselves. I've changed my affirmations lately from: I am safe; I am loved (which rely on external forces) to: I am strong; I am capable; I can protect myself. It's a small shift, but a good one, I think. Love you.
I think those are huge and wonderful shifts. I love those affirmations. And we all need a Joel. I loved that show so much. I laughed and cried through every episode it was crazy. And we decided French Toast for the table is now a tradition. Fred Rococo forever. I love you.
You are so good, Ally. You keep my hope alive with everything you write. We need to bring thoughts and experiential analysis like this, and conversation about them, out into tables and circles and relationship-building community-organizing face to face groups. That is more and more on my mind.
Thank you so much, Matt. And I am in absolute agreement. I have been feeling such a pull towards conversation and communication and being out there in the world, connecting with each other. That’s the way we get people moving and believing we can change things. Sending you a lot of love, Matt. I’m really glad you’re here❤️🩹
OMG I read that same article on the lack of attention to women’s sexual health yesterday and we’ve all been horrified that the complete clitoris wasn’t mapped until 1998. But I will admit that I laughed when I saw that the clitoris has “legs”. So, apparently, if you don’t treat her right she’s going to hop down off the bed and stomp out of the bedroom in a huff on her little clitoral legs 🦵 🦵
Right?! It's a good thing she doesn't have hands, or she might be shooting off missives in the dead of night, and leaving them on the kitchen counter! lol
I want this world where French toast for the table is a thing that happens every morning, and clothing that says it’s tagless means it’s actually tagless. Not tagless at the neck but then sewn into the bottom seam is a stiff itchy tag the length of a CVS receipt. wtf man.
There’s a world of things in this essay that need saying and for the life of me I can’t figure out how you weave it all together so beautifully, but then I remember you’re just magic. And your heart is ginormous magic. And then I remember. Thank you for how hard you work at cutting the itchy tags from our collective distress. You make it better. 🫶🏻
French Toast for the table is genius and we all deserve that joy, and at least one person who's willing to go all in on it with us. One day we are going for brunch and having that as our appetizer. And these bs tagless shirts or pants that have those crazy tags "at the bottom" and ALSO the itchy lettering *in place of the tag* are not going to cut it. Pun intended. Only you would say this thing about "cutting the itchy tags from our collective distress" and I am so grateful I get to call you friend. I'm the luckiest <3
Kate, I love and agree with your comment. So right!! 💕
Thank you for this! I cried and want to send this to so many people I know. Thank you.
On another note - I wish I could send you to my doctor in Germany - she told me that HRT is "Replacement Therapy". That means we have this hormone the whole time and with a correct dosage, the cancer risk isn't any higher than before. It's amazing what up-to-date research can do for everyone!
I am so thankful this moved you, and I wish I could go to your doctor in Germany, too. She sounds fantastic. Hopefully the doctor here will be good. I love my GP and this is her referral, so fingers crossed. Thank you for being here! Hugs xox
This one wrecked me in the best way. 🙏🏻❤️
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
That’s exactly what I said to my GP when he asked me when I was going to come off HRT. I said, “my body has been making estrogen for years. Why is it all of a sudden bad for me?” I see a breast health specialist bc my mother and maternal grandmother both had breast cancer and she is absolutely fine with it, so it’s her opinion I care just about.
Ally, I don’t think I’ve cried harder than I did reading this, especially the first part. I’m afraid I gave my children the kind of father you had and I’m so ashamed.
Oh Leandra I really wish you wouldn’t do that to yourself. None of us do that on purpose (pick a dad like my dad). We fall in love with people. Your kids wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t. And they have you❤️🩹❤️🩹
And also yay for HRT. It really doesn’t make sense that something we’ve always produced would suddenly be bad for us.
This was such a roller coaster and I was with you at every up and down. My therapy got cancelled yesterday and this morning I was about to go do some chores but I opened up my email instead and saw this and sat down immediately and said "guess I'm getting therapy after all."
"I just knew I wanted to disappear." That line. Man do I still carry that feeling with me and it started in pretty much the same place you described here. You covered so much, so beautifully.
P.S. none of my clothes have tags in them now
That feeling of wanting to disappear hurts all the way to your bones as you know. I wish you didn't. Hugs to you, Cody. And I just read your piece and I loved it so, so much. So I’m glad our mornings worked out and here’s to more wild gardens 🌱
Thank you for reading it! You've been a great inspiration to me ❤️
🥹❤️🙏🏼
My dad was an impatient, imperious disciplinarian who yelled. One time, he took me for a walk in the woods and he held my hand. We dug up a small fir and planted it in front of the house. It’s hard to reconcile that man with who he was most of the time. That tree got too big for the house and after 30 years, the new owners cut it down. By then I had not spoken to him in decades.
Oh Ellen. This comment is like a tiny essay and my heart hurts for you. I relate to this, too. It's always so painful when we remember the tiniest things — "he held my hand" — something that should be commonplace, but isn't at all. My mom used to be kind to me when I was sick. She didn't show me much affection the rest of the time, but if I had a fever, she'd put her hand on my forehead. I am both grateful and sad I can remember what that felt like so vividly. Hugs to you my friend <3
Ally. I love your writing so much. I just know our child parts would’ve been friends in the 70’s. I also cut tags out of everything, and I’m grateful because I ended up raising two children on the autism spectrum and they needed me to understand. 🥰 Keep writing my love. You have so much wisdom to share. And such a lovely way of sharing it.
I got an ADHD diagnosis about 18 months ago. I think because of who my parents were and for a million other reasons, I learned how to cope as a kid. I came up with strategies that worked for decades. I also have a photographic memory even though "they" say that isn't a thing now, but I don't know how to explain my brain if it isn't. I think that really saved me, or helped me mask symptoms. I never had problems in school except I'd often procrastinate. Anyway, I have not experienced the anger or grief a lot of late-stage diagnosis people seem to go through, I feel more relieved and grateful because so many things kind of fell into place. I'm sure we would have been friends, too, Janeen. And your kids are so lucky to have you <3
So many things in this one but mostly what I want to tell you is my Nana died when I was four and I remember her, too, the way you remember your Grandma. How her hands felt when she shared her lotion, the kind of candy she kept on hand, the way sunlight caught her eyes, how her voice sounded when she was talking to my mom in the other room... just... yes to kindness. I wish you peaceful sleep tonight.
This is what I’m saying and I love that you have these memories, too. My grandma holds such a huge and special place in my heart. I wouldn’t be me without her and I’m not sure I’d even be here at all. I had so many things I wanted to say to that man in those comments, but I knew he meant well. So I just put all my words here instead, and I’m grateful you have added yours. Grandmas are amazing, and so are little kids. No one can ever guess what will imprint on our hearts. I’m grateful for your huge heart and your kindness, Mary Beth ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Ally, I read your gut-wrenching and beautiful-as-always essay, then all the comments. I hope you feel deep pleasure for the beauty and good you are putting into the world. You are helping to speed the arrival of that heavenly world I know will eventually be created. I’m an idealist as well and your writing tethers me to this incomprehensibly amazing life as few other things do. Thank you so much and may your heart continue to heal as you take the time and pain to share your journey with us. So much respect.
As a side but somewhat related comment: I believe women, as a whole, are many millennia ahead of us in doing good, processing grief productively, and holding space and love for the broken, just to name a few things. I wish I could adequately thank all of you. May your goodness and wisdom be your satisfaction. Peace.
Thank you so much, Robert. I appreciate your very kind words and your presence here. Lots of love, friend.
Ally, thank you for writing about hard stuff, and telling your stories with such truth. I have lots of thoughts about what you’ve written here — too many for a coherent comment. I just wanted to say thank you and I’m sad you were hurt as an innocent child. I too aspire for a better world and feel like together we can create it.
Thanks so much, Charrise, I appreciate your kindness. I know we can make things better, and I'm very grateful you're here <3
Ally, I could write about 15 stories based on everything you covered here. I will say that you will survive menopause and your sanity that it tries to take from you does return. I saw a meme the other day that said if a portal opened up in front of me I would walk right through no questions asked. That pretty much describes where I am at. We are escaping for a short trip next week to celebrate my 70th birthday. I'm longing for uninterrupted sleep without nightmares and I will try not to look at the cameras aimed at my cat children while we are gone too many times a day. Hugs!
Oh Mary, Happy (early) Birthday! I hope you have a wonderful, restful time away, and that you feel cherished and celebrated. I am sure your cat children will miss you, but I am also sure they would tell you to have a great trip if they could :) And thank you for the reassurance regarding sleep, hormones, etc. Sending you a lot of love xox
Thanks so much! ❤️
Mmm…beautiful and wise, as always. Thank you for this.
Thank you so much, Mary, and thank you for being here, as always <3
Yes!!!!!! Phew. Ok, now that I can breathe I will try to say at least something coherent. I just love your writing and your courage. Thank you. The moment you wrote “He hadn’t said goodbye when he left” I knew it wasn’t going to be good. He came at you with scissors when you were so little and so vulnerable!! I felt you quietly crying in that pillow. What a POS. And what a POS N was for not cutting his balls (oops I mean tags) off. I want to hug that little girl and I want to hug you now. I feel the fire in this and I feel how tired you were (are). However…as long as people like you are shining a light on the darkness, and we are reaching each other (like this) using whatever tools we have, then I believe there is hope. 💕 🐺
Thanks so much for your kind comments, Shar. And yeah, I don’t know what the circumstances were that made him leave without saying goodbye. I don’t know if my parents somehow thought that would be better, if my dad couldn’t do it without breaking down and making it about him (even though my mom had given him so many chances to be faithful at that point) or if they fought and he left unexpectedly. I just know that’s what happened. And N was actually very sweet to me. She tried. He just did not let her have any power. She was even younger than my mom. There’s a long story there, but her family disowned her for moving in with my dad and his kid (me) and he ended up treating her so badly. So I can’t be upset with her. She was in her early twenties and in over her head 😔🤷🏻♀️What can you do.
And yes, I am tired and the insanity continues every day, but I also feel a renewed urgency to fight like hell, and we will and we must. We can’t have foot stomping aggressive tag cutters running the world, it just won’t do. So, we rise. Hugs to you my friend. Thank you for your kindness, and thank you for being here🥹❤️🩹
The truth is always far more complex, I know.
Another profoundly touching piece. I Iove how you write about grief, especially remembering your grandmother and the complex grief of your parents (although I know each one was different). I also want to say how much I appreciate your research. There is so much incorrect info, "facts" without references and plain misinformation that I truly stop and sigh with gratitude when I see careful work like yours.
Thank you so much, I appreciate this. Grief is like nothing else I’ve experienced. And thank you for the other comment, too. I think one of the hardest things growing up was seeing and feeling things that were clear and that hurt, but being told I wasn’t seeing what I saw or feeling what I felt. You can imagine how I react to that as a grown person, and I always assume I am not the only one! Sending you a lot of love, thank you for being here❤️🩹🙏🏼
Wow super powerful writing thank you for going way beyond connecting all the dots to say the least. The more I read the more I felt the connections. The personal is political and those scratchy tags must be cut out for sure. I am a newcomer to reading you and found my way here thanks to Linda Carrol who reposted this. I will keep reading and thank you.
Thank you so much for these kind comments. And Linda is so wonderful 🙏🏼🥹 I’m grateful you found your way here, Keishya ❤️🩹
I loved Somebody, Somewhere. Joel is one of the kindest characters in any story ever. We need more Joels. And somehow, you just keep opening your heart wide and sharing it with us. In spite of everything. Maybe fire-breathing dragons aren't afraid to do that because they know they can protect themselves. I've changed my affirmations lately from: I am safe; I am loved (which rely on external forces) to: I am strong; I am capable; I can protect myself. It's a small shift, but a good one, I think. Love you.
I think those are huge and wonderful shifts. I love those affirmations. And we all need a Joel. I loved that show so much. I laughed and cried through every episode it was crazy. And we decided French Toast for the table is now a tradition. Fred Rococo forever. I love you.
You are so good, Ally. You keep my hope alive with everything you write. We need to bring thoughts and experiential analysis like this, and conversation about them, out into tables and circles and relationship-building community-organizing face to face groups. That is more and more on my mind.
Thank you so much, Matt. And I am in absolute agreement. I have been feeling such a pull towards conversation and communication and being out there in the world, connecting with each other. That’s the way we get people moving and believing we can change things. Sending you a lot of love, Matt. I’m really glad you’re here❤️🩹
OMG I read that same article on the lack of attention to women’s sexual health yesterday and we’ve all been horrified that the complete clitoris wasn’t mapped until 1998. But I will admit that I laughed when I saw that the clitoris has “legs”. So, apparently, if you don’t treat her right she’s going to hop down off the bed and stomp out of the bedroom in a huff on her little clitoral legs 🦵 🦵
Right?! It's a good thing she doesn't have hands, or she might be shooting off missives in the dead of night, and leaving them on the kitchen counter! lol
If she had arms she could carry a picket sign and go on strike…..