It’s one of the more concrete ways the misogyny and white supremacy is reflected back at us, but it’s so infuriating and deeply disturbing. It’s like there are two different justice systems, one for white boys and men, one for everyone else. Thanks so much for being here, and for sharing. I appreciate you❤️🩹
I read about this case and was horrified but unsurprised at the sentencing. The patriarchal nightmare we live in is perfectly content to let boys and men destroy our bodies and spirits for sport, and let them off with a wag of the finger and a slap on the wrist.
I think that boys who are capable of such cruelty at a young age are too dangerous to be in society. Period. That judge just let them back into the world without a single thought about what happens now. They got away with it, and they will move through the world as teenage boys who got away with it, which means they will become adult men who know they CAN get away with it.
Those boys aren't done hurting women. Not by a long shot. And they got a permission slip to do so.
Genuinely, it is painful to watch this happen again and again, and sadly, all over the world. I agree with you wholeheartedly, I do not think these boys are safe to be out and about, nor do I believe any of the boys and men I mentioned are safe to be on the streets, in schools, at work, or anywhere. At all. This sends the wrong message to them, and to the girls they've hurt, and to everyone, everywhere.
Your writing is incomparable. Seriously dude. Week after week you grind it down for us and remind us of what it is to be human and kind and fierce in the midst of a fucked up world being run by incompetent men. Thank you. Really. I know how much of yourself goes into these essays and it shows. So grateful for you and that the goddesses made you a writer. Stroke of fuckin genius right there. Well done, spirit ladies. 💓
Remember when Renee Good was murdered (my God, it feels like years ago and it was only a few months) and we were all writing about “ fucking bitch” and that sense of knowing that tone, knowing what it meant, knowing the type of man to use it before he hurt you? This feels the same. So many women writers writing in shades of pain and trauma, in pens made of rage, just to try and make more people understand. It feels like these moments are getting closer together. Maybe we can eventually string them together and use them as a garrote—strangle the structure once and for all.
Dina, I really hope that’s the case. I do feel there’s a shift, and many of us have reached the breaking/boiling point at the same time. The raging point. The point where we are seeing red. I keep thinking these crusty old white men gripping the patriarchal doors and pillars and trying to shore them up have no freaking clue what’s coming. That every time they pass a sentence like this, another perimenopausal or post-menopausal woman grabs a spear, a bow-and-arrow, a butter knife, whatever is handy. Can’t wait to talk to you about all this on Tuesday ❤️🔥❤️🔥
So damn good, Ally. I'm having this same conversation in my comments section this week. I told someone that I feel like a dry field of grass surrounded by sparks. I feel dangerous. I am going to burn, there's no question about that, but I don't know what comes after. I don't know if I take down everything around me, and what will grow back after the ashes. All I know is that this is not sustainable. There is a mighty roar in the ether, and it's building, and something is going to shatter. Something needs to shatter. Love you to bits and pieces, you fucking miracle. (See, we can say it lovingly even).
It's all too much. It's too many things. Anna Kepner's stepbrother being home — the girl from the Carnival Cruise? That happened Wednesday, I couldn't even add it to the essay, it was too much for me. His case was moved to adult court, and prosecutors asked to have him remanded to prison while he awaits trial for murder, but the judge said it would be "inappropriate" to jail him so far from home, and he can stay with his uncle until his trial starts in September. Some journalist described him as "baby-faced."
I feel that. We are having an insane weekend here. Cage fights on the White House lawn. Motocross stunts. BS press conferences with UFC fighters at the Lincoln Memorial. It’s a circus for an emperor with no clothes. Musk became a trillionaire today. It’s all a bit much, to put it mildly.
While I sit here, reading Substack, munching on cheese and crackers on a Sunday afternoon, you, my friend, can barely turn and not run into one preposterous moment after another.
Is it interesting that men are centred in each of these insane moments? Not even a little. It's all so predictable, and the lack of imagination is frustrating. But you must be so weary. Hugs to you.
Hugs back! I am not without hope I am just tired right now. But the Knicks won the NBA championship tonight for the first time since 1973. So anything is possible 🤓
Funny, I think a lot of us are women of a certain perimenopausal rage. We have just had it. As I was writing this essay, the judge in the Anna Kepner rape/murder case decided not to make Timothy Hudson await trial in jail because he’s 16, and he’d be held hundreds of miles away from his family. Poor kid. And it’s his first offense. So he can stay at his uncle’s where there are two other minor children in the home.
Meanwhile, I have no doubt this is not his first offense. I’d be willing to bet other things will come out when they dig.
Anyway, thank you so much for being here. Hopefully we will start to see things shift❤️🔥❤️🔥
Exactly. Also, at least two of the boys DID have a progressing violent history of this behavior, which has come to light this week thanks to great journalistic efforts by Sophie Wilkinson. Police did NOTHING. So the judge using the "first offense" idea — which held no water for me anyway — goes out the window. Let's PLEASE ruin their lives enough that they learn FAST they'd better rethink their life choices if they want to have lives worth living.
And THANK YOU for being the kind of person who had to vote for Katie Porter, too. I know you didn't do it for me lol, so maybe it feels weird for me to say thank you, but you have no idea what it means to me, personally, as I have been holding my head in my hands out here. I appreciate you!!
I know some paths where this pathology ends but for the life of me I cannot conceive convincing others to take them. Still too "radical." Even as the flames grow high and the grief flows in torrents.
It feels so overwhelming because it’s everywhere. These judges and these cases I mean. I know you’re talking about the *entire* picture, and of course I think about all that, too. It’s exhausting, but I also feel like so many millions of people are feeling this way. Maybe we will see a better world in our lifetimes, Cabot. I’d like to think so. Even if I’m as old as the lady on the Titanic with the blue diamond when it happens. Rose. Lol. Although OBVIOUSLY I would have made room on the floating door. Wow. This comment has gone off the rails. Thanks for being here. You’re a real one💎
Ally, I was reading this while eating breakfast and genuinely started feeling nauseous as case after case shows how little we value the lives and experiences of women and girls. This reminded me so much of how this doesn’t just happen in courtrooms and in laws. It’s the silence of communities that allow things to happen because talking about something is harder than willing blindness. It’s the “just let it go and move on” responses so many of us have heard, as though our suffering is not worthy if it means offenders and witnesses will suffer too. My husband recently told me one of the most profound things his mom ever said to him was that if he ever did something wrong, she would never stop loving him but she would never blindly defend him. My heart hurts for these girls, for our girls, for us girls. Your are a fierce voice Ally. 🌺
I’m so sorry, Sabrina. Maybe I should have put a “mealtime” warning on this one 😩 it really is a lot to take. As I was writing, ANOTHER horrific decision came down from another judge making exceptions for a white 16-year-old boy and I couldn’t even add it. I am going to do a podcast episode about this topic Tuesday morning (about to schedule) and I’m sure we’ll talk about it then, but I am heartbroken and enraged for all of us. I am also determined to fight like hell. They are reviewing the sentencing in the UK and there’s a petition I’m going to ask everyone to sign when I post the podcast episode. I think we just have to keep raging. I do think men are understanding more at this point. Not all men lol. But more men. I really feel that. And if they’re understanding maybe they will get in this fight with us. I do think there are a lot of men who care and have not understood how pervasive and widespread this is. We’ve been living it and I know it can feel like how tf could anyone not see this when we’ve been saying it, but sometimes you have to keep saying the same thing in different ways for years, and millions of people have to say it together for it to change at all, especially if it’s systemic. I am not without hope but I am incandescent with fury. I hope you ate breakfast at some point. Hugs and love to you, thank you so much for being here❤️🩹❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
Do any of us women know any other women or gender-diverse people who have not experienced the fear of this particular vulnerability, who have not looked over their shoulder on the trail, or in the backseat before climbing in their car, who have not wondered at what point it was safe to spent time alone with the person who appeared interested, or wondered what might have gone differently to prevent what happened?
This is necessary writing, Ally, and brilliant, and I will continue to maintain that it is on the "good guys" to support the change. If it's not all men, then fucking prove it!
I do not personally know a single woman or girl who has not experienced at least one (usually many) of the experiences you've listed above. I would give quite a lot for that not to be the case. It breaks my heart how many of us are not safe in this world (not just girls and women, that's just what I've highlighted in this essay), and I do not know what else we do except continue to name it, as loudly and clearly as we can, and demand better. And not stop until we get better. I suspect many men are starting to understand in a way they have not previously because so many of us are continuing to rage forward. I did not always have a voice, and I wonder if the Gen X among us are coming of perimenopausal rage at the the same time. That seems to be the case. Huge hugs and love to you xo
Yes I’m glad the sentences are being reviewed, too, Wendy! I hope for the girls’ sake (and everyone else’s, too) they will amend them. It sounds like you all have a much better system for the “Secure Care” of minors who commit heinous, heartless crimes, too.
Your writing is stunning. STUNNING. Also, I feel like I can't take one more story like this and all I can think is, if I can't take hearing about it, how do women and girls live with it? Christ on a cracker, the pain and RAGE feels unbearable.
Thank you so much, Kari. I appreciate your kind words more than you know.
And I relate. The fury is hard to contain and it’s also exhausting because I’m a peaceful person by nature. I don’t want to be enraged. It’s a funny thing because most spiritual practices would say “circumstances don’t control us. They don’t control the way we feel or how the day goes. We get to decide where to direct our attention and energy.” And sometimes you absolutely have to direct your attention toward joy and gratitude and all the beauty in life. No doubt. Gotta fill the tank, and there is so much beauty and there are so many things to be grateful for — people we love, art, the stars, DOGS.
Too much of that, though — without engaging with the current reality and trying to make things better in whatever ways we can — and it’s privilege, not spiritual practice. Welcome to the very regular conversation in my head. The balance is hard to find, and I definitely don’t find it every day. Not in this country where they throw one new outrageous and insulting thing at us after another, all day long. And of course it impacts everyone, not just people living here. He’s *that* good at being the worst. (Insert the part where I say these things existed before him, he’s just made people feel free to express the worst in themselves).
How to keep fighting? How to find the joy?
We’re all just doing the best we can, I think. Those of us with broken hearts, I mean. I read this analogy about it being like a chorus, and you rest when you need to because you know other people will hold the note. I wish I could remember where I read it so I could give credit, but I tried looking it up and got nothing. Anyway, I like that. And I appreciate you. I’m so glad you’re here ❤️🩹
The balance is indeed hard to find. I try not to wallow every minute of the day but I also refuse to look away. Attention is the least we can give - the very least. Thank you for such a sweet and thoughtful reply.
This is such an excellent and horrifying piece. Thank you so much for writing it - for saying all the things the judges and politicians aren't.
It’s one of the more concrete ways the misogyny and white supremacy is reflected back at us, but it’s so infuriating and deeply disturbing. It’s like there are two different justice systems, one for white boys and men, one for everyone else. Thanks so much for being here, and for sharing. I appreciate you❤️🩹
Aw well it's a pleasure - thanks so much for writing. ❤️
I read about this case and was horrified but unsurprised at the sentencing. The patriarchal nightmare we live in is perfectly content to let boys and men destroy our bodies and spirits for sport, and let them off with a wag of the finger and a slap on the wrist.
I think that boys who are capable of such cruelty at a young age are too dangerous to be in society. Period. That judge just let them back into the world without a single thought about what happens now. They got away with it, and they will move through the world as teenage boys who got away with it, which means they will become adult men who know they CAN get away with it.
Those boys aren't done hurting women. Not by a long shot. And they got a permission slip to do so.
Great work, as always.
Genuinely, it is painful to watch this happen again and again, and sadly, all over the world. I agree with you wholeheartedly, I do not think these boys are safe to be out and about, nor do I believe any of the boys and men I mentioned are safe to be on the streets, in schools, at work, or anywhere. At all. This sends the wrong message to them, and to the girls they've hurt, and to everyone, everywhere.
Thanks so much, Kari.
Your writing is incomparable. Seriously dude. Week after week you grind it down for us and remind us of what it is to be human and kind and fierce in the midst of a fucked up world being run by incompetent men. Thank you. Really. I know how much of yourself goes into these essays and it shows. So grateful for you and that the goddesses made you a writer. Stroke of fuckin genius right there. Well done, spirit ladies. 💓
You made me laugh and cry at the same time, so thank you for that, and everything else you said, too. You're the bestest.
Killer last sentence, Ally.
Remember when Renee Good was murdered (my God, it feels like years ago and it was only a few months) and we were all writing about “ fucking bitch” and that sense of knowing that tone, knowing what it meant, knowing the type of man to use it before he hurt you? This feels the same. So many women writers writing in shades of pain and trauma, in pens made of rage, just to try and make more people understand. It feels like these moments are getting closer together. Maybe we can eventually string them together and use them as a garrote—strangle the structure once and for all.
Dina, I really hope that’s the case. I do feel there’s a shift, and many of us have reached the breaking/boiling point at the same time. The raging point. The point where we are seeing red. I keep thinking these crusty old white men gripping the patriarchal doors and pillars and trying to shore them up have no freaking clue what’s coming. That every time they pass a sentence like this, another perimenopausal or post-menopausal woman grabs a spear, a bow-and-arrow, a butter knife, whatever is handy. Can’t wait to talk to you about all this on Tuesday ❤️🔥❤️🔥
So damn good, Ally. I'm having this same conversation in my comments section this week. I told someone that I feel like a dry field of grass surrounded by sparks. I feel dangerous. I am going to burn, there's no question about that, but I don't know what comes after. I don't know if I take down everything around me, and what will grow back after the ashes. All I know is that this is not sustainable. There is a mighty roar in the ether, and it's building, and something is going to shatter. Something needs to shatter. Love you to bits and pieces, you fucking miracle. (See, we can say it lovingly even).
It's all too much. It's too many things. Anna Kepner's stepbrother being home — the girl from the Carnival Cruise? That happened Wednesday, I couldn't even add it to the essay, it was too much for me. His case was moved to adult court, and prosecutors asked to have him remanded to prison while he awaits trial for murder, but the judge said it would be "inappropriate" to jail him so far from home, and he can stay with his uncle until his trial starts in September. Some journalist described him as "baby-faced."
Anyway, I'm with you, and I fucking love you.
Fighting the good fight is always worthwhile, but fuck me, I'm tired of getting hung for it.
I feel that. We are having an insane weekend here. Cage fights on the White House lawn. Motocross stunts. BS press conferences with UFC fighters at the Lincoln Memorial. It’s a circus for an emperor with no clothes. Musk became a trillionaire today. It’s all a bit much, to put it mildly.
While I sit here, reading Substack, munching on cheese and crackers on a Sunday afternoon, you, my friend, can barely turn and not run into one preposterous moment after another.
Is it interesting that men are centred in each of these insane moments? Not even a little. It's all so predictable, and the lack of imagination is frustrating. But you must be so weary. Hugs to you.
Hugs back! I am not without hope I am just tired right now. But the Knicks won the NBA championship tonight for the first time since 1973. So anything is possible 🤓
And the Kennedy Center is itself once again.
Thank you for writing this. It is tragically horrifying. I read this the day before:
https://betsychasse.substack.com/p/men-arent-men-simply-because-theyre?r=5lgxxw&utm_medium=ios
Funny, I think a lot of us are women of a certain perimenopausal rage. We have just had it. As I was writing this essay, the judge in the Anna Kepner rape/murder case decided not to make Timothy Hudson await trial in jail because he’s 16, and he’d be held hundreds of miles away from his family. Poor kid. And it’s his first offense. So he can stay at his uncle’s where there are two other minor children in the home.
Meanwhile, I have no doubt this is not his first offense. I’d be willing to bet other things will come out when they dig.
Anyway, thank you so much for being here. Hopefully we will start to see things shift❤️🔥❤️🔥
"We don't want to ruin his life." As a matter of fact, yes. Yes, I do want to ruin his life. At least enough to make it clear that this was not ok.
I also voted for Katie Porter. I know it's fruitless given the polls, but I couldn't seem to make any other choice seem right.
Exactly. Also, at least two of the boys DID have a progressing violent history of this behavior, which has come to light this week thanks to great journalistic efforts by Sophie Wilkinson. Police did NOTHING. So the judge using the "first offense" idea — which held no water for me anyway — goes out the window. Let's PLEASE ruin their lives enough that they learn FAST they'd better rethink their life choices if they want to have lives worth living.
And THANK YOU for being the kind of person who had to vote for Katie Porter, too. I know you didn't do it for me lol, so maybe it feels weird for me to say thank you, but you have no idea what it means to me, personally, as I have been holding my head in my hands out here. I appreciate you!!
I know some paths where this pathology ends but for the life of me I cannot conceive convincing others to take them. Still too "radical." Even as the flames grow high and the grief flows in torrents.
So, I just bleed. And bleed. And bleed.
Glad for your fierceness. Humbled by your pain.
It feels so overwhelming because it’s everywhere. These judges and these cases I mean. I know you’re talking about the *entire* picture, and of course I think about all that, too. It’s exhausting, but I also feel like so many millions of people are feeling this way. Maybe we will see a better world in our lifetimes, Cabot. I’d like to think so. Even if I’m as old as the lady on the Titanic with the blue diamond when it happens. Rose. Lol. Although OBVIOUSLY I would have made room on the floating door. Wow. This comment has gone off the rails. Thanks for being here. You’re a real one💎
Ally, I was reading this while eating breakfast and genuinely started feeling nauseous as case after case shows how little we value the lives and experiences of women and girls. This reminded me so much of how this doesn’t just happen in courtrooms and in laws. It’s the silence of communities that allow things to happen because talking about something is harder than willing blindness. It’s the “just let it go and move on” responses so many of us have heard, as though our suffering is not worthy if it means offenders and witnesses will suffer too. My husband recently told me one of the most profound things his mom ever said to him was that if he ever did something wrong, she would never stop loving him but she would never blindly defend him. My heart hurts for these girls, for our girls, for us girls. Your are a fierce voice Ally. 🌺
I’m so sorry, Sabrina. Maybe I should have put a “mealtime” warning on this one 😩 it really is a lot to take. As I was writing, ANOTHER horrific decision came down from another judge making exceptions for a white 16-year-old boy and I couldn’t even add it. I am going to do a podcast episode about this topic Tuesday morning (about to schedule) and I’m sure we’ll talk about it then, but I am heartbroken and enraged for all of us. I am also determined to fight like hell. They are reviewing the sentencing in the UK and there’s a petition I’m going to ask everyone to sign when I post the podcast episode. I think we just have to keep raging. I do think men are understanding more at this point. Not all men lol. But more men. I really feel that. And if they’re understanding maybe they will get in this fight with us. I do think there are a lot of men who care and have not understood how pervasive and widespread this is. We’ve been living it and I know it can feel like how tf could anyone not see this when we’ve been saying it, but sometimes you have to keep saying the same thing in different ways for years, and millions of people have to say it together for it to change at all, especially if it’s systemic. I am not without hope but I am incandescent with fury. I hope you ate breakfast at some point. Hugs and love to you, thank you so much for being here❤️🩹❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
Do any of us women know any other women or gender-diverse people who have not experienced the fear of this particular vulnerability, who have not looked over their shoulder on the trail, or in the backseat before climbing in their car, who have not wondered at what point it was safe to spent time alone with the person who appeared interested, or wondered what might have gone differently to prevent what happened?
This is necessary writing, Ally, and brilliant, and I will continue to maintain that it is on the "good guys" to support the change. If it's not all men, then fucking prove it!
I do not personally know a single woman or girl who has not experienced at least one (usually many) of the experiences you've listed above. I would give quite a lot for that not to be the case. It breaks my heart how many of us are not safe in this world (not just girls and women, that's just what I've highlighted in this essay), and I do not know what else we do except continue to name it, as loudly and clearly as we can, and demand better. And not stop until we get better. I suspect many men are starting to understand in a way they have not previously because so many of us are continuing to rage forward. I did not always have a voice, and I wonder if the Gen X among us are coming of perimenopausal rage at the the same time. That seems to be the case. Huge hugs and love to you xo
Ally, every piece….every single one nails it!!!! So much to say…and nothing to add because you said it clearly and brilliantly.
You got me! The screen is all blurry now🥹 Thank you and thank you so much for being here, MS❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
You are so so good. Thank you and keep going.
Oh Sharon, thank you. I appreciate that and I am so glad you’re here 🙏🏼❤️🩹
I’ve been following this in the UK and am glad the attorney general is reviewing the sentencing (30 May).
Excellent piece, Ally.
Yes I’m glad the sentences are being reviewed, too, Wendy! I hope for the girls’ sake (and everyone else’s, too) they will amend them. It sounds like you all have a much better system for the “Secure Care” of minors who commit heinous, heartless crimes, too.
Thank you for being here 🙏🏼❤️🩹
Your writing is stunning. STUNNING. Also, I feel like I can't take one more story like this and all I can think is, if I can't take hearing about it, how do women and girls live with it? Christ on a cracker, the pain and RAGE feels unbearable.
Thank you so much, Kari. I appreciate your kind words more than you know.
And I relate. The fury is hard to contain and it’s also exhausting because I’m a peaceful person by nature. I don’t want to be enraged. It’s a funny thing because most spiritual practices would say “circumstances don’t control us. They don’t control the way we feel or how the day goes. We get to decide where to direct our attention and energy.” And sometimes you absolutely have to direct your attention toward joy and gratitude and all the beauty in life. No doubt. Gotta fill the tank, and there is so much beauty and there are so many things to be grateful for — people we love, art, the stars, DOGS.
Too much of that, though — without engaging with the current reality and trying to make things better in whatever ways we can — and it’s privilege, not spiritual practice. Welcome to the very regular conversation in my head. The balance is hard to find, and I definitely don’t find it every day. Not in this country where they throw one new outrageous and insulting thing at us after another, all day long. And of course it impacts everyone, not just people living here. He’s *that* good at being the worst. (Insert the part where I say these things existed before him, he’s just made people feel free to express the worst in themselves).
How to keep fighting? How to find the joy?
We’re all just doing the best we can, I think. Those of us with broken hearts, I mean. I read this analogy about it being like a chorus, and you rest when you need to because you know other people will hold the note. I wish I could remember where I read it so I could give credit, but I tried looking it up and got nothing. Anyway, I like that. And I appreciate you. I’m so glad you’re here ❤️🩹
The balance is indeed hard to find. I try not to wallow every minute of the day but I also refuse to look away. Attention is the least we can give - the very least. Thank you for such a sweet and thoughtful reply.
Thank you ❤️🩹
Thank you for being here, Kelly❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹