It’s one of the more concrete ways the misogyny and white supremacy is reflected back at us, but it’s so infuriating and deeply disturbing. It’s like there are two different justice systems, one for white boys and men, one for everyone else. Thanks so much for being here, and for sharing. I appreciate you❤️🩹
I read about this case and was horrified but unsurprised at the sentencing. The patriarchal nightmare we live in is perfectly content to let boys and men destroy our bodies and spirits for sport, and let them off with a wag of the finger and a slap on the wrist.
I think that boys who are capable of such cruelty at a young age are too dangerous to be in society. Period. That judge just let them back into the world without a single thought about what happens now. They got away with it, and they will move through the world as teenage boys who got away with it, which means they will become adult men who know they CAN get away with it.
Those boys aren't done hurting women. Not by a long shot. And they got a permission slip to do so.
Genuinely, it is painful to watch this happen again and again, and sadly, all over the world. I agree with you wholeheartedly, I do not think these boys are safe to be out and about, nor do I believe any of the boys and men I mentioned are safe to be on the streets, in schools, at work, or anywhere. At all. This sends the wrong message to them, and to the girls they've hurt, and to everyone, everywhere.
Your writing is incomparable. Seriously dude. Week after week you grind it down for us and remind us of what it is to be human and kind and fierce in the midst of a fucked up world being run by incompetent men. Thank you. Really. I know how much of yourself goes into these essays and it shows. So grateful for you and that the goddesses made you a writer. Stroke of fuckin genius right there. Well done, spirit ladies. 💓
So damn good, Ally. I'm having this same conversation in my comments section this week. I told someone that I feel like a dry field of grass surrounded by sparks. I feel dangerous. I am going to burn, there's no question about that, but I don't know what comes after. I don't know if I take down everything around me, and what will grow back after the ashes. All I know is that this is not sustainable. There is a mighty roar in the ether, and it's building, and something is going to shatter. Something needs to shatter. Love you to bits and pieces, you fucking miracle. (See, we can say it lovingly even).
It's all too much. It's too many things. Anna Kepner's stepbrother being home — the girl from the Carnival Cruise? That happened Wednesday, I couldn't even add it to the essay, it was too much for me. His case was moved to adult court, and prosecutors asked to have him remanded to prison while he awaits trial for murder, but the judge said it would be "inappropriate" to jail him so far from home, and he can stay with his uncle until his trial starts in September. Some journalist described him as "baby-faced."
This was Excellent- you said what has whirled in my head for years about the double standard regarding justice for girls and women. What alarms me more is we have this book of diagnoses and disorders- the DSM. Psychopathy, sadism, anti social personality disorder, and guys- let us not forget the cluster of serious disorders called paraphilic disorders- pedophilia, etc. That being said rape is not a “disorder”-it is a CRIME. The American Psychiatric Association is very explicit in stating this. The motivations for rape are to overpower another/feel powerful (go figure), opportunity for someone with little to no empathy to take what they want, etc. Where they blur together is sadism disorder (not bdsm w consenting fully aware and responsible adults in a relationship or group).
Sadism is when you have to have someone suffer physically, mentally, emotionally to get a thrill or to get sexual pleasure. The boy who assaulted me at 16 had STACKS of hard core porn mags stashed in his room, in the 1980’s. This was pre internet so you had to do some work to find particular fetish mags/movies if you were underage. These boys are not “just boys.” They are deeply mentally unwell and need to be put in a facility where they are not only removed from access to others, but to unmonitored internet use, etc. They are young killers in the making. If they are allowed to continue, it’s not a big jump to make the conclusion a dead victim is easier to deal with than a live one who will have you put in jail or worse for real.
The part that truly upsets me as a Mom of two young men, one on the spectrum and the other ADHD, is the parents not understanding the horrors of what their sons unleashed on these young women. I started having convos about sex when they hit around 11 or 12. I take an interest in what entertains them- games, movies, YouTube influencers, etc. I have convos about how a girl character is represented or treated. I told them the only things I will ever judge them for is treating another human being poorly - which ties into a lot of laws. Not saying I want them stealing, driving recklessly, etc- I just don’t want them to become assholes. We try to talk about violent scenes as well in movies or series. I don’t want them to lose their ability to empathize or to feel uncomfortable with awful things others do. I emphasize asking first or telling others to ask them before they hug, kiss, touch in a way that is too close. That sex is part of being human. That some of us (their mom included) are late or too early in development and it’s normal to be confused by social cues, individuals, etc and we can take our time and not rush.
The parents pretending their “babies” just made bad choices like they stole video games from stores versus DID SERIAL KILLER ADJACENT BEHAVIOR is heartbreaking. I told my sons if they decide to take away someone else’s dignity, agency, etc and hurt, humiliate or murder them, mom ain’t burying the bodies, hiding the evidence, etc. I will be the one taking you to the station. I genuinely believe my sons are good people- but I couldn’t defend that behavior and live in denial if my sons became that sick, sadistic and awful to another human being. My god- that grief would be right up there with their death. Who are you? And how did I as a parent miss this, contribute to this, etc?
How is this horrifying act by a group of young men dismissed as “fairly easy to rehabilitate??” I know all humans can be cruel- but this is next level. This is “signs of future disturbing behavior” in red flashing neon. If I was their appointed therapist I’d be recommending the court to at least make them report beyond the 2 years to a clinical psychologist. That behavior is not usually a one off. They did it TWICE. That tells you they’d kept going if they hadn’t been caught or reported.
“Oh young men are just sort of rapey, I guess, ha ha.” WTF??
Many women can tell you there are guys who might be horny- but they understand stop, no, let me call your friend cause your drunk, or immediately feel bad for a woman who is vulnerable or who want an enthusiastic informed consent. But no- boys are just creeps who make “mistakes” I guess. (Huge eye roll) No- they aren’t. What happened to these boys empathy? We need harsher sentences to put up an extra boundary for the ones who have none. They might hesitate, pause, etc before doing harm to another. Besides common empathy and morality- know why there aren’t more dead people every day? Because people stop and go- I’ll get caught, I don’t want to go to jail or be executed. For some people not to murder- consequences are one of the biggest motivations not to do so. Not personal ethics or morality.
Women have carried this burden of “promising young men” for too damn long. We have carried the idea that men, at their primal root, are predators so therefore some bad behavior is expected. That is a lie straight out of patriarchy’s smelly arse. It is not true, tiresome and lazy thinking.
An appropriate sentence is one that sends a clear message- you are sick, need to be removed from society for a long while to get help for your apparent gleeful sadism and women NEVER should be subjected to this or any other form of sexual assault.
Couldn't agree more, Jen. The ADHD, anxiety, low IQ angle? Judge, please. Literally no. A couple of weeks ago I wrote an essay and ended up taking half of it and putting it in drafts because it became unwieldy. The half I cut was about the effects of violent pornography on a developing (teenage) brain. The "violent" part was the key thing. The connection between teenage kids watching violent porn, and later committing acts of sexual assault was high. I will get back to that draft. I have little doubt these boys were consuming all kinds of content online that would make us hold our heads in our hands.
And yes, something has gone very wrong at home. I'd be crying if those were my sons, too, but I'd be crying because they lacked empathy. The entire families need to be rehabilitated, not just the boys. The boys need to be somewhere they can't hurt anyone while they do some intensive work, first. And for a good year, this isn't some month-long fix. Anyway, sending love to you and your sons. Thankfully there are people like y'all in the world. <3
Ally, once again you stuck your finger into the sore place and pushed hard and art came out. You unearth in me memories I thought were packaged and sanitized and put away. The rage I have spent a lifetime using as fuel, then when I was spent and hollow, never completely flickered out and now it is reviving. I feel like that field of fire which was quenched but the flames reignited when the winds came. I don’t know what to do with my rage. I’m old; I’ve done all the things. I honed down the outrage to a palatable morsel and swallowed it down, only to be shared in its polished form. I do not want to remember and I do not want to pull some lesson from what is unexplainable, that cannot answer the “why? Why do they say/act/think this way? Why do they hate us?” I spent a career up close and personal with mad bad dangerous men, thinking I would come to understand, to be able to examine it if I was close. I defended violent men and rationalized and at sentencing I diminished their conduct and advocated for leniency. I still am empty inside. I still will never understand. I have tried everything I can think of and the thing I return to is: they hate us.
BAM! Ally, what is wrong with this world? Thank you for again painting the canvas on something so incomprehensible - sharing what should be screamed out at the tops of ALL our lungs!! 🫶 LOVE YOU!! 🥰
Good morning, Ally. My question to you and your readers is this- what sentence for those boys would be appropriate? That is a serious question, and I am not in any way being sarcastic or trying to undermine what you have said. And having asked it, I will tell you that I would have no qualms whatever about the death penalty is such cases. Putting dangerous animals to death is something we do. Rapists are unsalvageable, dangerous animals. I don’t expect a positive response to this, and I am well aware of all the failures and injustices of capital punishment, in its application. But not its principles. If we aren’t willing to execute rapists, even underage boys, then what do we propose we do with them? It comes down to the nuts and bolts, and I’d like to hear some opinions.
Hey Kurt. Well, I was heading in that direction at the end — "...or they can look at those boys and say: 'You’re not going to be wearing those button down shirts for X amount of time. You’re going to whatever the equivalent is of juvenile detention, and you’ll be going to rehabilitation classes every day, there. Christmas will happen there. Spring Break will happen there. Your crying families will visit you there.'"
I think we need a serious overhaul of our prison system (and our "justice" system) here in the U.S. because of the things I was talking about in the essay — the idea of two justice systems, one for white boys and men, and one for everyone else. But there is no doubt we have mass incarceration of Black men and boys here, and also, "it is expensive to be poor in America." I don't know if you've watched Thirteenth? It's excellent and horrible at the same time: https://youtu.be/krfcq5pF8u8
I looked up the other sentencing options in the U.K. that were available to the judge, and of course their system has options that are exactly like the ones I'd create here if I were in charge of such things: https://www.gov.scot/policies/youth-justice/secure-care/
I think what would have felt like justice to me is a "Secure Care" situation where these boys were in a custodial situation like the one described at the link. It seems in the UK, minors serve half their sentence in custody, and the second half at home, under supervision. So maybe a 2-year sentence would have felt right to me. A year away from home where they are doing intensive rehabilitation classes (and their schoolwork) and I presume group therapy, talking to their peers, learning about misogyny both online and in the world, deprogramming, presumably talking about the effects of violent pornography on the growing brain, etc.
I also think there needs to be a concurrent required parenting program happening. Something has gone very wrong in these homes, and that needs to get addressed as well. The fact that these parents are sitting there crying is problematic in such a huge way.
The sentences are under review because there has been an incredible public outcry, so I am hoping these sentences are overruled and new sentences come down. But hope is a dangerous drug these days. Anyway, I hope that answers your question?
BEING ACCOUNTABLE does not mean a slap on the hand and oh, “just go home with your parents”, Kurt. Those boys got off scott-free. ANYONE who thinks laughing at while filming someone and enjoying the act of raping doesn’t deserve some sort of RE-EDUCATION should also be “re-educated”. These are kids raping kids. These boys learned this somewhere - sickness like this needs REHABILITATION.
This is such an excellent and horrifying piece. Thank you so much for writing it - for saying all the things the judges and politicians aren't.
It’s one of the more concrete ways the misogyny and white supremacy is reflected back at us, but it’s so infuriating and deeply disturbing. It’s like there are two different justice systems, one for white boys and men, one for everyone else. Thanks so much for being here, and for sharing. I appreciate you❤️🩹
Aw well it's a pleasure - thanks so much for writing. ❤️
I read about this case and was horrified but unsurprised at the sentencing. The patriarchal nightmare we live in is perfectly content to let boys and men destroy our bodies and spirits for sport, and let them off with a wag of the finger and a slap on the wrist.
I think that boys who are capable of such cruelty at a young age are too dangerous to be in society. Period. That judge just let them back into the world without a single thought about what happens now. They got away with it, and they will move through the world as teenage boys who got away with it, which means they will become adult men who know they CAN get away with it.
Those boys aren't done hurting women. Not by a long shot. And they got a permission slip to do so.
Great work, as always.
Genuinely, it is painful to watch this happen again and again, and sadly, all over the world. I agree with you wholeheartedly, I do not think these boys are safe to be out and about, nor do I believe any of the boys and men I mentioned are safe to be on the streets, in schools, at work, or anywhere. At all. This sends the wrong message to them, and to the girls they've hurt, and to everyone, everywhere.
Thanks so much, Kari.
Your writing is incomparable. Seriously dude. Week after week you grind it down for us and remind us of what it is to be human and kind and fierce in the midst of a fucked up world being run by incompetent men. Thank you. Really. I know how much of yourself goes into these essays and it shows. So grateful for you and that the goddesses made you a writer. Stroke of fuckin genius right there. Well done, spirit ladies. 💓
You made me laugh and cry at the same time, so thank you for that, and everything else you said, too. You're the bestest.
So damn good, Ally. I'm having this same conversation in my comments section this week. I told someone that I feel like a dry field of grass surrounded by sparks. I feel dangerous. I am going to burn, there's no question about that, but I don't know what comes after. I don't know if I take down everything around me, and what will grow back after the ashes. All I know is that this is not sustainable. There is a mighty roar in the ether, and it's building, and something is going to shatter. Something needs to shatter. Love you to bits and pieces, you fucking miracle. (See, we can say it lovingly even).
It's all too much. It's too many things. Anna Kepner's stepbrother being home — the girl from the Carnival Cruise? That happened Wednesday, I couldn't even add it to the essay, it was too much for me. His case was moved to adult court, and prosecutors asked to have him remanded to prison while he awaits trial for murder, but the judge said it would be "inappropriate" to jail him so far from home, and he can stay with his uncle until his trial starts in September. Some journalist described him as "baby-faced."
Anyway, I'm with you, and I fucking love you.
This was Excellent- you said what has whirled in my head for years about the double standard regarding justice for girls and women. What alarms me more is we have this book of diagnoses and disorders- the DSM. Psychopathy, sadism, anti social personality disorder, and guys- let us not forget the cluster of serious disorders called paraphilic disorders- pedophilia, etc. That being said rape is not a “disorder”-it is a CRIME. The American Psychiatric Association is very explicit in stating this. The motivations for rape are to overpower another/feel powerful (go figure), opportunity for someone with little to no empathy to take what they want, etc. Where they blur together is sadism disorder (not bdsm w consenting fully aware and responsible adults in a relationship or group).
Sadism is when you have to have someone suffer physically, mentally, emotionally to get a thrill or to get sexual pleasure. The boy who assaulted me at 16 had STACKS of hard core porn mags stashed in his room, in the 1980’s. This was pre internet so you had to do some work to find particular fetish mags/movies if you were underage. These boys are not “just boys.” They are deeply mentally unwell and need to be put in a facility where they are not only removed from access to others, but to unmonitored internet use, etc. They are young killers in the making. If they are allowed to continue, it’s not a big jump to make the conclusion a dead victim is easier to deal with than a live one who will have you put in jail or worse for real.
The part that truly upsets me as a Mom of two young men, one on the spectrum and the other ADHD, is the parents not understanding the horrors of what their sons unleashed on these young women. I started having convos about sex when they hit around 11 or 12. I take an interest in what entertains them- games, movies, YouTube influencers, etc. I have convos about how a girl character is represented or treated. I told them the only things I will ever judge them for is treating another human being poorly - which ties into a lot of laws. Not saying I want them stealing, driving recklessly, etc- I just don’t want them to become assholes. We try to talk about violent scenes as well in movies or series. I don’t want them to lose their ability to empathize or to feel uncomfortable with awful things others do. I emphasize asking first or telling others to ask them before they hug, kiss, touch in a way that is too close. That sex is part of being human. That some of us (their mom included) are late or too early in development and it’s normal to be confused by social cues, individuals, etc and we can take our time and not rush.
The parents pretending their “babies” just made bad choices like they stole video games from stores versus DID SERIAL KILLER ADJACENT BEHAVIOR is heartbreaking. I told my sons if they decide to take away someone else’s dignity, agency, etc and hurt, humiliate or murder them, mom ain’t burying the bodies, hiding the evidence, etc. I will be the one taking you to the station. I genuinely believe my sons are good people- but I couldn’t defend that behavior and live in denial if my sons became that sick, sadistic and awful to another human being. My god- that grief would be right up there with their death. Who are you? And how did I as a parent miss this, contribute to this, etc?
How is this horrifying act by a group of young men dismissed as “fairly easy to rehabilitate??” I know all humans can be cruel- but this is next level. This is “signs of future disturbing behavior” in red flashing neon. If I was their appointed therapist I’d be recommending the court to at least make them report beyond the 2 years to a clinical psychologist. That behavior is not usually a one off. They did it TWICE. That tells you they’d kept going if they hadn’t been caught or reported.
“Oh young men are just sort of rapey, I guess, ha ha.” WTF??
Many women can tell you there are guys who might be horny- but they understand stop, no, let me call your friend cause your drunk, or immediately feel bad for a woman who is vulnerable or who want an enthusiastic informed consent. But no- boys are just creeps who make “mistakes” I guess. (Huge eye roll) No- they aren’t. What happened to these boys empathy? We need harsher sentences to put up an extra boundary for the ones who have none. They might hesitate, pause, etc before doing harm to another. Besides common empathy and morality- know why there aren’t more dead people every day? Because people stop and go- I’ll get caught, I don’t want to go to jail or be executed. For some people not to murder- consequences are one of the biggest motivations not to do so. Not personal ethics or morality.
Women have carried this burden of “promising young men” for too damn long. We have carried the idea that men, at their primal root, are predators so therefore some bad behavior is expected. That is a lie straight out of patriarchy’s smelly arse. It is not true, tiresome and lazy thinking.
An appropriate sentence is one that sends a clear message- you are sick, need to be removed from society for a long while to get help for your apparent gleeful sadism and women NEVER should be subjected to this or any other form of sexual assault.
Period.
Couldn't agree more, Jen. The ADHD, anxiety, low IQ angle? Judge, please. Literally no. A couple of weeks ago I wrote an essay and ended up taking half of it and putting it in drafts because it became unwieldy. The half I cut was about the effects of violent pornography on a developing (teenage) brain. The "violent" part was the key thing. The connection between teenage kids watching violent porn, and later committing acts of sexual assault was high. I will get back to that draft. I have little doubt these boys were consuming all kinds of content online that would make us hold our heads in our hands.
And yes, something has gone very wrong at home. I'd be crying if those were my sons, too, but I'd be crying because they lacked empathy. The entire families need to be rehabilitated, not just the boys. The boys need to be somewhere they can't hurt anyone while they do some intensive work, first. And for a good year, this isn't some month-long fix. Anyway, sending love to you and your sons. Thankfully there are people like y'all in the world. <3
Ally, once again you stuck your finger into the sore place and pushed hard and art came out. You unearth in me memories I thought were packaged and sanitized and put away. The rage I have spent a lifetime using as fuel, then when I was spent and hollow, never completely flickered out and now it is reviving. I feel like that field of fire which was quenched but the flames reignited when the winds came. I don’t know what to do with my rage. I’m old; I’ve done all the things. I honed down the outrage to a palatable morsel and swallowed it down, only to be shared in its polished form. I do not want to remember and I do not want to pull some lesson from what is unexplainable, that cannot answer the “why? Why do they say/act/think this way? Why do they hate us?” I spent a career up close and personal with mad bad dangerous men, thinking I would come to understand, to be able to examine it if I was close. I defended violent men and rationalized and at sentencing I diminished their conduct and advocated for leniency. I still am empty inside. I still will never understand. I have tried everything I can think of and the thing I return to is: they hate us.
Sadly there are too many stories to tell.
BAM! Ally, what is wrong with this world? Thank you for again painting the canvas on something so incomprehensible - sharing what should be screamed out at the tops of ALL our lungs!! 🫶 LOVE YOU!! 🥰
Good morning, Ally. My question to you and your readers is this- what sentence for those boys would be appropriate? That is a serious question, and I am not in any way being sarcastic or trying to undermine what you have said. And having asked it, I will tell you that I would have no qualms whatever about the death penalty is such cases. Putting dangerous animals to death is something we do. Rapists are unsalvageable, dangerous animals. I don’t expect a positive response to this, and I am well aware of all the failures and injustices of capital punishment, in its application. But not its principles. If we aren’t willing to execute rapists, even underage boys, then what do we propose we do with them? It comes down to the nuts and bolts, and I’d like to hear some opinions.
Hey Kurt. Well, I was heading in that direction at the end — "...or they can look at those boys and say: 'You’re not going to be wearing those button down shirts for X amount of time. You’re going to whatever the equivalent is of juvenile detention, and you’ll be going to rehabilitation classes every day, there. Christmas will happen there. Spring Break will happen there. Your crying families will visit you there.'"
I think we need a serious overhaul of our prison system (and our "justice" system) here in the U.S. because of the things I was talking about in the essay — the idea of two justice systems, one for white boys and men, and one for everyone else. But there is no doubt we have mass incarceration of Black men and boys here, and also, "it is expensive to be poor in America." I don't know if you've watched Thirteenth? It's excellent and horrible at the same time: https://youtu.be/krfcq5pF8u8
I looked up the other sentencing options in the U.K. that were available to the judge, and of course their system has options that are exactly like the ones I'd create here if I were in charge of such things: https://www.gov.scot/policies/youth-justice/secure-care/
I think what would have felt like justice to me is a "Secure Care" situation where these boys were in a custodial situation like the one described at the link. It seems in the UK, minors serve half their sentence in custody, and the second half at home, under supervision. So maybe a 2-year sentence would have felt right to me. A year away from home where they are doing intensive rehabilitation classes (and their schoolwork) and I presume group therapy, talking to their peers, learning about misogyny both online and in the world, deprogramming, presumably talking about the effects of violent pornography on the growing brain, etc.
I also think there needs to be a concurrent required parenting program happening. Something has gone very wrong in these homes, and that needs to get addressed as well. The fact that these parents are sitting there crying is problematic in such a huge way.
The sentences are under review because there has been an incredible public outcry, so I am hoping these sentences are overruled and new sentences come down. But hope is a dangerous drug these days. Anyway, I hope that answers your question?
BEING ACCOUNTABLE does not mean a slap on the hand and oh, “just go home with your parents”, Kurt. Those boys got off scott-free. ANYONE who thinks laughing at while filming someone and enjoying the act of raping doesn’t deserve some sort of RE-EDUCATION should also be “re-educated”. These are kids raping kids. These boys learned this somewhere - sickness like this needs REHABILITATION.
No. No no no no no.