My heart breaks for little Ally and H, who was really not much older than a kid herself. My heart breaks for this country, too. Thank you for always showing up, Ally. I will always stand with you.
Thank you so much, Michele. If my dad had been a recipe, there were some ingredients you could have pulled out that were really wonderful. But I think no matter how you scrambled things, none of them added up to what you need to be a good dad, unfortunately. Or a good person to date or marry. But to sit next to on a train? Yeah. Or at a party, haha. Anyway, thank you, I appreciate you ❤️🙏🏼
Ally...this was heartbreaking to read. He wouldn't let you have the little bear? What a selfish man. You are a brilliant writer...he didn't take that away from you. So glad you're here to share your deeply insightful writing.
Thank you so much. And no, it was really crappy in retrospect. As a kid I remember feeling confused because I could not see where I’d made a mistake, or where H had. As a grown woman and a mom, it’s hard to believe he behaved like that, but he used to take me on dates with him, so... Not a father of the year kinda guy. But it’s all “grist for the mill” as my mom used to say. And he did have some good qualities, just not the stuff that makes a good dad or husband. Or guy you’d want to date. Thank you for being here, I appreciate you so much ❤️🩹
Your dad was a cruel human being...wow. I can't imagine how trapped H felt under those conditions. And my heart breaks for little Ally and her brief happiness with Bear.
I really wanted to read this asap but I had to run to the store so I let the AI voice read it to me while I walked (a major multitask for me) 1) AI pronounces your name with a long I at the end so you are an "ally" as in ": one that is associated with another as a helper : a person or group that provides assistance and support in an ongoing effort, activity, or struggle." which is on the nose for you. ❤️ 2) also your use of "asshat" and "shitweasel" are super funny in the AI voice.
As always, masterful weave of your past combined with current hellscape. Brava, darling.
Hahaha. I guess if that effing beast is going to learn from us whether we like it or not, at least I can offer some good expletives. And thank you, Eileen. I was going to say he had some good qualities, too, and he did, but whatever. I’m tired and I’ve said that in other places. We’ll just let this one stand. Hugs and love ❤️
I read it with my analogue eyes later. Far superior.
No one is all good or all bad. My father was similar, cocktail party schmoozer for days but zero parenting skills. You did an excellent job illuminating how his selfishness knew no bounds, like some people we see on the news daily. That's your super power. xo
Thanks, Cabot. H stayed with my dad until I was sixteen, they got married when I was 8. She always tried to look out for me, there were just so many damn secrets in that house and it took a toll on both of us. But she handed me a steady supply of books. It wasn’t all bad ;)
You know what your dad didn’t take away from you? Your decency, honesty and your big kind heart…not to mention your ability to put big thoughts into very readable, touching, essays. Thank goodness. I appreciate you and your writing.
I had to stop and cry a little on this Ally. How horrible to have that memory. It brought up some bad memories for me because I was once a stepmother but that is a very long and sad story. Very happy to say that in my municipal election in my small city on Tuesday all republicans were voted out. I live in South Carolina and I get very tired of being called a red state when my surrounding neighbors are democrats and we all have our teeth as well. 🤦♀️
Step-parenting is so hard. Every situation is different of course, there are awful stepparents out there, but there are also lifesaving ones. The stepparents who are invested and who genuinely love the kids can have a great experience if they’re supported and treated with respect by the other parents in the situation, but without that, my god is it rough. I’m sorry this made you cry and I’m sending hugs.
Yay for the special elections! I might message you about SC if that’s okay. I have a family member thinking about moving to Columbia if you have any thoughts…🤍
Sorry to say she didn’t leave. She tried once when I was six, but he talked her out of it. He moved out when I left for college at sixteen because she told him to. I think she hoped he would see the light and change his ways, come back to her, and finally treat her the way she deserved to be treated. Instead he reconnected with his high school sweetheart who ended up becoming his fourth wife. For a guy who didn’t like monogamy, my dad got married a lot.
I can't fathom your dad taking you back to return the bear. My heart hurts for you in those moments, and H, too, just trying to give you something and show some kindness. What in the world could make someone act like he did?
It's amazing that you got through this and everything else to be the person that you are, and the parent that you are.
I can't fathom people holding back food from the hungry, either, but it does feel so connected, the story of the bear, the withholding of food and safety from kids. I'm glad you're here speaking up, as ever.
I could say the same to you, friend. I think there’s this kind of narcissism that exists, and my dad had it. I suspect seeing us there cozied up and giggling felt like a threat, because I was supposed to be his secret-keeper. Maybe he thought if I got too close to her I’d spill the beans about all the other women? Not sure.
It is hard to fathom being that selfish, though.
I think it’s why I feel such disgust looking at the situation we’re in. I don’t understand the violence of withholding SNAP benefits or sending ICE agents to daycare centers. It’s senseless and depraved. The part that I find terrifying is how many people still support the administration. It should be zero. But Tuesday was encouraging for sure and we just need to keep going. I really hope they do not cave now. Hugs.
Thank you so much. Little me shows up once in a while needing reassurance, but most of the time I know the things that happened didn’t have much to do with me. He just wasn’t there kind of guy you’d want as your dad or your husband or your president 😬
And yes, foot on the gas! Thank you for being here ❤️
Such a powerful story that should have stood on its own. Why bring in the Orange guy? I wanted to read more. Did H and your Dad last? I hope not. Childhood traumas breed adult catastrophes. I know from my own experiences.
Hi Karen, I’m sorry you were left wanting more and also a little glad, because I’m finishing a memoir right now and it’s a beast. So much in there about my dad and H, and my mom, and — as you said — childhood traumas breeding adult catastrophes. I’m also fascinated by this idea that everything that’s happening “out there” is always a reflection of whatever is happening inside a person or a group of people. I think a lot of the time it’s so exhausting to get your head around how (for example) anyone could use the withholding of food as a means of political leverage. Like…what enables a person or an entire administration to do that or to stand behind it proudly. I contemplate things like this when I can’t sleep, and that’s what made me think about my dad and the bear, a thing I hadn’t thought about in quite a while. I think it’s the same level of self-interest or narcissism at play, so that’s why I brought in the Orange Guy. I’ve been finding it so hard to withstand the heartbreak of watching what’s happening in our country, but when I can get my head around it a little, it helps. Even if it doesn’t change it. At least I can recognize how people like this are living with themselves.
Anyway, H stayed with my dad until I was sixteen. She tried to leave once when I was six, and there’s a longer story there about me “betraying” my dad and telling her the truth about something when she asked me directly, but he convinced her to stay. I was ready to leave with her, I wanted her to leave him. I knew she deserved better even then. Eventually my dad left, and reconnected with his high school sweetheart. She became his fourth wife. My dad got married a lot for a guy who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. H and I were close until I was in my twenties and she asked for some space. I think I reminded her of this whole painful chapter in her life and she needed to move on, and I believe she did and is happy. I wish we were still connected, but I wish for her happiness and peace more.
Well I look forward to reading the memoir. I started my own but some of the stories were just to horrible to repeat and I haven’t found a way yet to tell them without hurting others. But that’s part of the damage, isn’t it? So instead I halfway through a historical fiction based on my grandparents and the choices they all made.
Thank you so much, Jennifer. Hadn’t thought about it in a long time, and I admit it’s one of the more jagged-edged memories of my dad. Felt apropos of, well, everything, though. Xo
This just absolutely wrecked me, Ally. Like, I had to go to the bathroom and cry for a few minutes and then splash some cold water on my face. I've never wanted to time travel more in my entire life. I don't even know what I would have done. Yelled at your father? Whisked you away to a cozy cottage filled with teddy bears and kindness and warm hugs? But here you are, a full-grown woman with a heart the size of the moon, and I can't help but marvel at how that happens. My mom is the same way. I call her my beautiful sidewalk flower. Sorry if this is a ramble, the water is still drying on my face and it's raining outside, and I just needed to say all the things. xoxo
Oh Kendall, this is so kind of you and now I’m crying. I would have gone to that cottage with you happily, or watched in awe as you yelled at my dad. I did let him have it when I got to be thirteen, but that’s a story for another day. Thank you for being so kind, and thank you for being here. I appreciate you so, so much ❤️🩹❤️
I’m going to stay tuned for the Let Him Have It chapter. Honestly, I think this hit so hard because I have a six-year-old little girl whose stuffies are her extended family. And I felt the same about mine. Every kid should have a tender-eyed bear to receive their confessions and fears and affection. You deserved that even more than most, with such a deficit of decency and affection from your dad. ❤❤❤
She stayed with him until I was 16 and went to college. He really hurt her and I wish she’d left him a lot sooner. She deserved so much better. We were in touch very regularly until I was in my twenties. Then she sent me a letter and said she needed to try to move on with her life and I was a reminder of that whole situation and it was too painful to spend time together, and of course I understood.
I mean, it was awful and I was incredibly sad, my dad had moved away by then and I really loved her, but I could absolutely understand how I would be a reminder of this huge and painful chapter in her life, so. I do think she’s doing well. I couldn’t help myself and called once years later (she’s still in the brownstone and I still know the phone number) and there was a man’s voice on the outgoing message so that made me happy. I didn’t leave a message. I did send a letter with pictures after I had each of my kids, and I did drop flowers off on Mother’s Day once when I was in NY but I didn’t leave a card, and I just left them in front of the building not her apartment. That was also years ago. She’s not on social media, I look every so often. If she’s with someone I hope she’s being treated like a queen ❤️
My heart breaks for little Ally and H, who was really not much older than a kid herself. My heart breaks for this country, too. Thank you for always showing up, Ally. I will always stand with you.
Thank you so much, Michele. If my dad had been a recipe, there were some ingredients you could have pulled out that were really wonderful. But I think no matter how you scrambled things, none of them added up to what you need to be a good dad, unfortunately. Or a good person to date or marry. But to sit next to on a train? Yeah. Or at a party, haha. Anyway, thank you, I appreciate you ❤️🙏🏼
Ally...this was heartbreaking to read. He wouldn't let you have the little bear? What a selfish man. You are a brilliant writer...he didn't take that away from you. So glad you're here to share your deeply insightful writing.
Thank you so much. And no, it was really crappy in retrospect. As a kid I remember feeling confused because I could not see where I’d made a mistake, or where H had. As a grown woman and a mom, it’s hard to believe he behaved like that, but he used to take me on dates with him, so... Not a father of the year kinda guy. But it’s all “grist for the mill” as my mom used to say. And he did have some good qualities, just not the stuff that makes a good dad or husband. Or guy you’d want to date. Thank you for being here, I appreciate you so much ❤️🩹
Your dad was a cruel human being...wow. I can't imagine how trapped H felt under those conditions. And my heart breaks for little Ally and her brief happiness with Bear.
I really wanted to read this asap but I had to run to the store so I let the AI voice read it to me while I walked (a major multitask for me) 1) AI pronounces your name with a long I at the end so you are an "ally" as in ": one that is associated with another as a helper : a person or group that provides assistance and support in an ongoing effort, activity, or struggle." which is on the nose for you. ❤️ 2) also your use of "asshat" and "shitweasel" are super funny in the AI voice.
As always, masterful weave of your past combined with current hellscape. Brava, darling.
Hahaha. I guess if that effing beast is going to learn from us whether we like it or not, at least I can offer some good expletives. And thank you, Eileen. I was going to say he had some good qualities, too, and he did, but whatever. I’m tired and I’ve said that in other places. We’ll just let this one stand. Hugs and love ❤️
I read it with my analogue eyes later. Far superior.
No one is all good or all bad. My father was similar, cocktail party schmoozer for days but zero parenting skills. You did an excellent job illuminating how his selfishness knew no bounds, like some people we see on the news daily. That's your super power. xo
Thank you, Eileen. I appreciate that very much ❤️
Sad for little you, as I know this was just one instance of an ambient failure of character made to be your burden. Glad you found a way through.
Thanks, Cabot. H stayed with my dad until I was sixteen, they got married when I was 8. She always tried to look out for me, there were just so many damn secrets in that house and it took a toll on both of us. But she handed me a steady supply of books. It wasn’t all bad ;)
You know what your dad didn’t take away from you? Your decency, honesty and your big kind heart…not to mention your ability to put big thoughts into very readable, touching, essays. Thank goodness. I appreciate you and your writing.
This made me cry. Thank you, Jennie, that was so kind of you. I appreciate you, too, so much xo
I had to stop and cry a little on this Ally. How horrible to have that memory. It brought up some bad memories for me because I was once a stepmother but that is a very long and sad story. Very happy to say that in my municipal election in my small city on Tuesday all republicans were voted out. I live in South Carolina and I get very tired of being called a red state when my surrounding neighbors are democrats and we all have our teeth as well. 🤦♀️
Step-parenting is so hard. Every situation is different of course, there are awful stepparents out there, but there are also lifesaving ones. The stepparents who are invested and who genuinely love the kids can have a great experience if they’re supported and treated with respect by the other parents in the situation, but without that, my god is it rough. I’m sorry this made you cry and I’m sending hugs.
Yay for the special elections! I might message you about SC if that’s okay. I have a family member thinking about moving to Columbia if you have any thoughts…🤍
Of course you can message me. Time to fix supper but I will get back to you.
How soon did H leave him?
Sorry to say she didn’t leave. She tried once when I was six, but he talked her out of it. He moved out when I left for college at sixteen because she told him to. I think she hoped he would see the light and change his ways, come back to her, and finally treat her the way she deserved to be treated. Instead he reconnected with his high school sweetheart who ended up becoming his fourth wife. For a guy who didn’t like monogamy, my dad got married a lot.
Yes.
I can't fathom your dad taking you back to return the bear. My heart hurts for you in those moments, and H, too, just trying to give you something and show some kindness. What in the world could make someone act like he did?
It's amazing that you got through this and everything else to be the person that you are, and the parent that you are.
I can't fathom people holding back food from the hungry, either, but it does feel so connected, the story of the bear, the withholding of food and safety from kids. I'm glad you're here speaking up, as ever.
I could say the same to you, friend. I think there’s this kind of narcissism that exists, and my dad had it. I suspect seeing us there cozied up and giggling felt like a threat, because I was supposed to be his secret-keeper. Maybe he thought if I got too close to her I’d spill the beans about all the other women? Not sure.
It is hard to fathom being that selfish, though.
I think it’s why I feel such disgust looking at the situation we’re in. I don’t understand the violence of withholding SNAP benefits or sending ICE agents to daycare centers. It’s senseless and depraved. The part that I find terrifying is how many people still support the administration. It should be zero. But Tuesday was encouraging for sure and we just need to keep going. I really hope they do not cave now. Hugs.
Heartbreaking story.
Your dad was so wrong.
Yeah. It’s too bad. Some people shouldn’t have kids, but I’m glad he did, anyway.
I’m so sorry little Ally had to endure such awful treatment. I understand, believe me. And yes, peddle to the metal people!!
Thank you so much. Little me shows up once in a while needing reassurance, but most of the time I know the things that happened didn’t have much to do with me. He just wasn’t there kind of guy you’d want as your dad or your husband or your president 😬
And yes, foot on the gas! Thank you for being here ❤️
Such a powerful story that should have stood on its own. Why bring in the Orange guy? I wanted to read more. Did H and your Dad last? I hope not. Childhood traumas breed adult catastrophes. I know from my own experiences.
Hi Karen, I’m sorry you were left wanting more and also a little glad, because I’m finishing a memoir right now and it’s a beast. So much in there about my dad and H, and my mom, and — as you said — childhood traumas breeding adult catastrophes. I’m also fascinated by this idea that everything that’s happening “out there” is always a reflection of whatever is happening inside a person or a group of people. I think a lot of the time it’s so exhausting to get your head around how (for example) anyone could use the withholding of food as a means of political leverage. Like…what enables a person or an entire administration to do that or to stand behind it proudly. I contemplate things like this when I can’t sleep, and that’s what made me think about my dad and the bear, a thing I hadn’t thought about in quite a while. I think it’s the same level of self-interest or narcissism at play, so that’s why I brought in the Orange Guy. I’ve been finding it so hard to withstand the heartbreak of watching what’s happening in our country, but when I can get my head around it a little, it helps. Even if it doesn’t change it. At least I can recognize how people like this are living with themselves.
Anyway, H stayed with my dad until I was sixteen. She tried to leave once when I was six, and there’s a longer story there about me “betraying” my dad and telling her the truth about something when she asked me directly, but he convinced her to stay. I was ready to leave with her, I wanted her to leave him. I knew she deserved better even then. Eventually my dad left, and reconnected with his high school sweetheart. She became his fourth wife. My dad got married a lot for a guy who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. H and I were close until I was in my twenties and she asked for some space. I think I reminded her of this whole painful chapter in her life and she needed to move on, and I believe she did and is happy. I wish we were still connected, but I wish for her happiness and peace more.
Thanks for your comments ❤️
Well I look forward to reading the memoir. I started my own but some of the stories were just to horrible to repeat and I haven’t found a way yet to tell them without hurting others. But that’s part of the damage, isn’t it? So instead I halfway through a historical fiction based on my grandparents and the choices they all made.
Oh, Ally. This is just heart breaking and beautifully told and so, so smart. This will stay with me.
Thank you so much, Jennifer. Hadn’t thought about it in a long time, and I admit it’s one of the more jagged-edged memories of my dad. Felt apropos of, well, everything, though. Xo
This just absolutely wrecked me, Ally. Like, I had to go to the bathroom and cry for a few minutes and then splash some cold water on my face. I've never wanted to time travel more in my entire life. I don't even know what I would have done. Yelled at your father? Whisked you away to a cozy cottage filled with teddy bears and kindness and warm hugs? But here you are, a full-grown woman with a heart the size of the moon, and I can't help but marvel at how that happens. My mom is the same way. I call her my beautiful sidewalk flower. Sorry if this is a ramble, the water is still drying on my face and it's raining outside, and I just needed to say all the things. xoxo
Oh Kendall, this is so kind of you and now I’m crying. I would have gone to that cottage with you happily, or watched in awe as you yelled at my dad. I did let him have it when I got to be thirteen, but that’s a story for another day. Thank you for being so kind, and thank you for being here. I appreciate you so, so much ❤️🩹❤️
I’m going to stay tuned for the Let Him Have It chapter. Honestly, I think this hit so hard because I have a six-year-old little girl whose stuffies are her extended family. And I felt the same about mine. Every kid should have a tender-eyed bear to receive their confessions and fears and affection. You deserved that even more than most, with such a deficit of decency and affection from your dad. ❤❤❤
One of the best articles I have read this year. Layered, subtle, compelling. A very sad story all the way through but I’m in awe. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Susan. You made my night, and I’m really glad you’re here ❤️
I hope H is doing well and escaped
She stayed with him until I was 16 and went to college. He really hurt her and I wish she’d left him a lot sooner. She deserved so much better. We were in touch very regularly until I was in my twenties. Then she sent me a letter and said she needed to try to move on with her life and I was a reminder of that whole situation and it was too painful to spend time together, and of course I understood.
I mean, it was awful and I was incredibly sad, my dad had moved away by then and I really loved her, but I could absolutely understand how I would be a reminder of this huge and painful chapter in her life, so. I do think she’s doing well. I couldn’t help myself and called once years later (she’s still in the brownstone and I still know the phone number) and there was a man’s voice on the outgoing message so that made me happy. I didn’t leave a message. I did send a letter with pictures after I had each of my kids, and I did drop flowers off on Mother’s Day once when I was in NY but I didn’t leave a card, and I just left them in front of the building not her apartment. That was also years ago. She’s not on social media, I look every so often. If she’s with someone I hope she’s being treated like a queen ❤️