Thank you so much, Kate. You know how much this means to me coming from you. And yes, we need the merch 😂 Divisive. Dude, please. I’m just trying to exist and you skipped right over girls and women. Jfc.
Whoa. This one hit me right in the truth socket. Fuck that guy and all the guys like him. God Bless Dr. Malphus and his friends, the dolphins. I will be chewing on your words for a while. You are so good at this writing thing.
You just made my day like 12 times with one comment. Thank you so much, Genessa. You made me laugh, too. And yes, god bless Dr. Malphus, and I hope he’s swimming with dolphins somewhere, somehow 🐬✨
Wow! You just took my breath away. Like you, I am determined to continue this fight. For our children and grandchildren and all of the children. We are all connected on this tiny broken planet. Love love love...love is all we need...thank you Ally.
Thanks so much, Susan. And yes, giving up is not an option. I’m so grateful to be on the planet at the same time you are, and so glad our paths crossed. You’re a keeper ✨✨✨
“…he’s still a lot better than the guys who don’t even care about marine life. The bar is low.”
This is, sadly, so true. Monotheistic religions invented to favor men and keep the females in check? *Check* (although alternative models existed before and alongside that shit and will hopefully have a place in the future).
Why are the Doctor Malphuses so few and far between, when they should be the norm in the caring-for-people business? Why do we have to laude men for showing some basic human compassion, when empathy should be the status quo? Why is the United States so woefully behind other countries when it comes to breeding feeling, crying, and nurturing males?
It’s the fucking Marlboro man, methinks, and the American Myth of manliness. We ought to start over…
No doubt our culture with its rigid gender norms is making everyone sick and that is certainly part of the crux of it. I’m so tired of all the people who just don’t care about anything but their own lives. I wish we could multiply the Malphuses and all of us. I appreciate you so much, Helia, and I’m sending you loads of love ❤️
I will be 69 in a couple of weeks. I made the decision not to have children along with my husband before we married almost 43 years ago. I do want you to know that I took care of my Mom for the last 9 years of her life from handling her finances to quitting my job and caring for her in our home and for her last 6 years in a nursing home until Covid took her from me in 2020. One of your children will take care of you one day and you will feel so grateful for them. The day my Mom went in the nursing home I heard her tell my husband that having me was the best thing she ever did. That has stayed with me. She was a divorced mother of four.
Oh my gosh. If there was any confusion I am more grateful for my kids than anything else in my life! But I also know how hard it is to raise kids and don’t think it’s for everyone. And I know how hard it is to take care of your parents later in life, too. Lost both my parents in the last few years and it really did me in. But yeah, gratitude for my kids is a non-issue. I hit the jackpot. And they’re teenagers so you know if I’m saying that now they must be really great 🤣 Love to you, Mary ❤️
I meant to comment on this yesterday, and then I didn't want to think about it, because it reminded me of this story:
My (now ex) wife's 14 month old niece was at our house, crawling around with my daughter, who was also crawling. We had a sectional with a recliner at one end. The niece had crawled in between it and our coffee table, and my daughter tried to pull herself up by using the handle that releases the recliner. The recliner feet shot out, hit the niece in the head, her head bounced off the coffee table.
She was absolutely fine, but I can still see (and hear) the impact on her head. Twice.
Thank you for this piece, friend. Hearts to you, big time.
Omg. I’m sorry I reminded you of that, and I can see that and also hear it. 🥺How are any of us alive is a question I have. I’m so glad she was okay. I swear they make babies squishy for this reason, but they should do something for the grownups. I’d like to speak to the manager.
And now you reminded me of something 🤣I was at that same effing playground with the bumblebee with my friend Wendy and her son Jake. Our boys were probably 7 and 10 months old, her son is older. There were these concrete pillars around the edge of the playground area and one would have thought they’d be spaced apart so that a toddler could not get his head stuck between them, but ONE WOULD BE WRONG. Jake was suddenly on his hands and knees with his head stuck and he started panicking as any normal person would and Wendy and I were stunned. I thought, surely this will be fine. Wendy was trying to figure out which way he should go or what we should do, and also turning grey, and I don’t know how to explain it but I put my hands on his head and channeled David Copperfield and released him but it was terrifying. We both had images of cement-cutting machines and nighttime lights and news crews. They don’t have those pillars anymore. Anyway. I need to text Jake who is now 18 with an intact head and say hi.
Ok so now I have to tell you about the time me, genius that I am, thought it would be funny to let my dog pull my younger daughter on her bicycle (with training wheels). I looped the leash around the handlebars and he was pulling her and everyone loved it. . . until the teenage kids came by whooping and being silly and spooked the dog so he bolted and my daughter ate pavement (metaphorically--she got a few scrapes). But those teenage boys got the worst glaring they've every received. I bet they still talk about the glare they got that day :-)
I can feel the energy of your words spilling out from
A place that commands attention, and yet is wrapped in always love and truth and says what so many of us feel about the world right now…. I am so lucky to have you such a huge part of my life… you always remind me to stop. To look. To listen. (The fundamental lessons we begin to teach our children upon crossing a dangerous street). Such a source of artistry and power you are. I am glad so many here feel that way about your work too.
Thanks, lovely. This: "If you don’t care about women, then you don’t care about LGBTQ women or Black or Brown women or ten-year-olds in Texas who have to have their stepdad’s babies because Gregg Abbott and Ken Paxton say so." GAH!!!!! I love Dr. Malphus and you. xo
So he asks for help, and chooses mansplain? Classic.
Blind, blind, blind.
I'm a man and I'm absolutely tired of planet penis. Just an endless blizzard of dicks and dick-adjacent wreckage. Send it all to the Sun.
We all suffer terribly and bleed rivers here. It's total bullshit. I don't want to be good at what this world insatiably demands. I won't. I refuse dominion. I want communion, reciprocation.
I just want to say, besides the fact that I love everything you say, that as a fellow yoga teacher and writer I’m so glad I found you on here randomly and I read your work to learn because you are masterful at what you do. I’ve always felt like storytelling is my preferred method of teaching but it’s been hard for me to really figure that out. Your work helps me recognize how it can be done. Thank you!!
This is so kind of you, Ashley. I really think we’re wired for stories and sometimes when you share yours it reaches someone at the exact right moment to give them just enough hope to keep going. That’s happened for me so many times in my life and it’s what gives me the courage to share the stories that are not always the easiest ones to write or publish (or say out loud). Thanks for being here and thanks for saying this. I hope you continue to gather all the grist for the mill (one of my mother’s favorite sayings, and god knows she gave me a lot of grist! Thanks, mom 🤣)
This is such a perfect example of willful ignorance. Guys like “marine mammal lover” basically fit into two categories: the myopic and the apathetic. It’s not that they don’t understand; it’s that it’s easier (lazier?) for them not to understand. And you know when they wake up? When all of a sudden they become fathers to daughters. When it dawns on them their kid has to suffer the indignities they had no problem ignoring when it was merely a woman colleague, a sister, or a mother. And even then, the whole “girl dad” thing is so performative, it’s laughable. Have they woken up because they really see their daughters as humans, or because they see their role as protector from all the shit they know is coming?
I share your rage on behalf of all women everywhere, and am happy you knew a man who could see you as fully human. May his memory be a blessing.
I saw the origin video for man v bear last night. Somehow I’d never seen it. A woman is asking a guy if he had to leave his young daughter in the woods with a man or a bear, which would he choose. The guy spends five minutes shifting around uncomfortably. The woman tells him this is how it is every minute of the day for women. He asked if he gets to know anything about the man or the bear and she says no. He asks if women feel this was walking toward a parking lot if they see a man and the woman says “women feel this was whether they can see a man there or not. It’s the potential that there could be.” You just watch the whole thing dawning on him.
And yes, I’m very glad I met Dr. Malphus, too. His memory is a blessing. Sending you lots of love, thank you so much for being here, and for your wonderful, spot-on comments 🤍
Just surfacing after a deadline and catching up with your work, Ally - another zinger.
Firstly, all praise to the Dr Malphuses of the world - THAT is what a man looks like, THAT is what true strength is. It always feels such a gift and a joy to know that such glorious people live or have lived among us. How lucky we were to have him here, looking after you and your kids.
And then Mr 'My Octopus Teacher'... urgh. Your description reminded me of a couple of academic colleagues I've worked with - both youngish, white, male, though I guess I'm obliged to say that they didn't need to be. Both of them were scholars of civil rights movements, in the US and southeast Asia respectively - but neither of them very good ones, their work highly synthetic of existing research. Which is possibly why both of them were absolute tyrants as university administrators, literally demanding compliance, punishing the slightest resistance, bullying all and sundry. There was an absolute disconnect - no joined up thinking whatsoever - between, on the one hand, the field they studied and wrote about, and on the other hand, the way they were in the world. I couldn't get my head round it. Compartmentalizing masculinity doing its worst? Drawn to heroic histories because they wanted a short cut to heroism for themselves? Bleeding heart liberalism got too much for them and they flipped? I can't understand how you can be engaged with one thing and not understand how it connects with everything else. I can't understand how you can't aspire always to be like Dr Malphus.
It’s so bizarre, I share your bewilderment. Like, you are crying over the fate of this sea lion (which, yes, I doubt any of us here would have a dry eye seeing these poor creatures, it’s gut-wrenching), but you have not an ounce of awareness about what’s happening to so many of the human beings around you? And I understand some people find it easier to connect to animals, I get that, but this is not that.
Anyway, welcome back and so much love to you. May we encounter way more Malphuses than octopus teachers! Hugs❤️
Lots of love to you too, Ally! Empathy makes us such stronger souls - I really believe it. Rupert Sheldrake calls it morphic resonance: the internal capacity to feel the state of other beings around us, all of them if we’re open enough. Thank you for resonating so splendidly!
I read this post this morning and can’t stop thinking about how you so beautifully intertwined all these important things - kindness and universality and being enough and control and bodily autonomy. Thank you for writing 💛
1 - I’m 67 and still have warm memories of my childhood pediatrician, Dr. James Dick. Dr. Dick. Terrible name. Good, old school doc.
2- I lost contact with a cousin and her family when I got into it with her husband in 2015, the days leading up to the first Dump administration. Admittedly, I might have sounded a little condescending when I said, “Do you really not understand that what you’re saying by supporting him is you value your son, but not your daughter?” He lost it how dare I and on and on, but he couldn’t see it. He never did. We’ve never spoken again.
What’s crazy is that it shouldn’t be hard to see. If you vote for someone who doesn’t respect women, then….you don’t respect women. Or girls. It’s not a main issue for you, you’re willing to overlook it for other stuff that matters more like….hmmm. Whatever matters more to you than women and girls being treated as full human beings. So, yeah. It’s a full stop for me, too. Other things also matter to me. But if you’re gonna be potus and you don’t respect 51% of the population I don’t understand how you’re even a contender. I’m going to go bang my head into the wall now, be back later 😩😩😩
Emotionally stunted people cannot picture any reality besides their own. I'm sorry you were subjected to Mr. I Heart Seaweed who doesn't understand how to consider real people. I'm also sorry that he's everywhere, looking to get tips for free to better his position (not ALL Mr. I ♡ Seaweeds, of course)
Thanks so much, Prajna. Some days I want to rage at the skies, some days I want to scream into the abyss, and sometimes I want to gather up my kids and all my friends, and find somewhere safe to make art and run through the forest and eat good food and laugh till we cry and stop worrying about these awful people who seem intent on consuming and controlling everything. Until I can figure that last part out, I’ll be here writing away. Thanks for being here xx
Ally❤️
(though you can call me Kate, she’s one of my bffs and I’ve definitely been called worse 😜)
No one weaves their activism into prose like you do, Ally. It’s really remarkable and beautiful and effective. And — divisive. Thank fucking god.
Thank you so much, Kate. You know how much this means to me coming from you. And yes, we need the merch 😂 Divisive. Dude, please. I’m just trying to exist and you skipped right over girls and women. Jfc.
Whoa. This one hit me right in the truth socket. Fuck that guy and all the guys like him. God Bless Dr. Malphus and his friends, the dolphins. I will be chewing on your words for a while. You are so good at this writing thing.
You just made my day like 12 times with one comment. Thank you so much, Genessa. You made me laugh, too. And yes, god bless Dr. Malphus, and I hope he’s swimming with dolphins somewhere, somehow 🐬✨
Wow! You just took my breath away. Like you, I am determined to continue this fight. For our children and grandchildren and all of the children. We are all connected on this tiny broken planet. Love love love...love is all we need...thank you Ally.
Thanks so much, Susan. And yes, giving up is not an option. I’m so grateful to be on the planet at the same time you are, and so glad our paths crossed. You’re a keeper ✨✨✨
“…he’s still a lot better than the guys who don’t even care about marine life. The bar is low.”
This is, sadly, so true. Monotheistic religions invented to favor men and keep the females in check? *Check* (although alternative models existed before and alongside that shit and will hopefully have a place in the future).
Why are the Doctor Malphuses so few and far between, when they should be the norm in the caring-for-people business? Why do we have to laude men for showing some basic human compassion, when empathy should be the status quo? Why is the United States so woefully behind other countries when it comes to breeding feeling, crying, and nurturing males?
It’s the fucking Marlboro man, methinks, and the American Myth of manliness. We ought to start over…
Thank you , Ally, for what you do.
No doubt our culture with its rigid gender norms is making everyone sick and that is certainly part of the crux of it. I’m so tired of all the people who just don’t care about anything but their own lives. I wish we could multiply the Malphuses and all of us. I appreciate you so much, Helia, and I’m sending you loads of love ❤️
I will be 69 in a couple of weeks. I made the decision not to have children along with my husband before we married almost 43 years ago. I do want you to know that I took care of my Mom for the last 9 years of her life from handling her finances to quitting my job and caring for her in our home and for her last 6 years in a nursing home until Covid took her from me in 2020. One of your children will take care of you one day and you will feel so grateful for them. The day my Mom went in the nursing home I heard her tell my husband that having me was the best thing she ever did. That has stayed with me. She was a divorced mother of four.
Oh my gosh. If there was any confusion I am more grateful for my kids than anything else in my life! But I also know how hard it is to raise kids and don’t think it’s for everyone. And I know how hard it is to take care of your parents later in life, too. Lost both my parents in the last few years and it really did me in. But yeah, gratitude for my kids is a non-issue. I hit the jackpot. And they’re teenagers so you know if I’m saying that now they must be really great 🤣 Love to you, Mary ❤️
I meant to comment on this yesterday, and then I didn't want to think about it, because it reminded me of this story:
My (now ex) wife's 14 month old niece was at our house, crawling around with my daughter, who was also crawling. We had a sectional with a recliner at one end. The niece had crawled in between it and our coffee table, and my daughter tried to pull herself up by using the handle that releases the recliner. The recliner feet shot out, hit the niece in the head, her head bounced off the coffee table.
She was absolutely fine, but I can still see (and hear) the impact on her head. Twice.
Thank you for this piece, friend. Hearts to you, big time.
Omg. I’m sorry I reminded you of that, and I can see that and also hear it. 🥺How are any of us alive is a question I have. I’m so glad she was okay. I swear they make babies squishy for this reason, but they should do something for the grownups. I’d like to speak to the manager.
And now you reminded me of something 🤣I was at that same effing playground with the bumblebee with my friend Wendy and her son Jake. Our boys were probably 7 and 10 months old, her son is older. There were these concrete pillars around the edge of the playground area and one would have thought they’d be spaced apart so that a toddler could not get his head stuck between them, but ONE WOULD BE WRONG. Jake was suddenly on his hands and knees with his head stuck and he started panicking as any normal person would and Wendy and I were stunned. I thought, surely this will be fine. Wendy was trying to figure out which way he should go or what we should do, and also turning grey, and I don’t know how to explain it but I put my hands on his head and channeled David Copperfield and released him but it was terrifying. We both had images of cement-cutting machines and nighttime lights and news crews. They don’t have those pillars anymore. Anyway. I need to text Jake who is now 18 with an intact head and say hi.
Ok so now I have to tell you about the time me, genius that I am, thought it would be funny to let my dog pull my younger daughter on her bicycle (with training wheels). I looped the leash around the handlebars and he was pulling her and everyone loved it. . . until the teenage kids came by whooping and being silly and spooked the dog so he bolted and my daughter ate pavement (metaphorically--she got a few scrapes). But those teenage boys got the worst glaring they've every received. I bet they still talk about the glare they got that day :-)
They probably still avoid that driveway ;)
I can feel the energy of your words spilling out from
A place that commands attention, and yet is wrapped in always love and truth and says what so many of us feel about the world right now…. I am so lucky to have you such a huge part of my life… you always remind me to stop. To look. To listen. (The fundamental lessons we begin to teach our children upon crossing a dangerous street). Such a source of artistry and power you are. I am glad so many here feel that way about your work too.
I love you.
Thanks, lovely. This: "If you don’t care about women, then you don’t care about LGBTQ women or Black or Brown women or ten-year-olds in Texas who have to have their stepdad’s babies because Gregg Abbott and Ken Paxton say so." GAH!!!!! I love Dr. Malphus and you. xo
GAH indeed! I’d like to punt those soulless bastards directly into the sun. But Dr. Malphus was the best of the best☺️❤️🩹
Love you, too❤️
So he asks for help, and chooses mansplain? Classic.
Blind, blind, blind.
I'm a man and I'm absolutely tired of planet penis. Just an endless blizzard of dicks and dick-adjacent wreckage. Send it all to the Sun.
We all suffer terribly and bleed rivers here. It's total bullshit. I don't want to be good at what this world insatiably demands. I won't. I refuse dominion. I want communion, reciprocation.
Life over power. Solidarity, Ally.
That’s pretty much what happened, yeah. I have to laugh or I might lose my mind.
And the world is mad. It can be so beautiful, though.
I wish we could just stop the insanity and sit by the river and eat berries and I dunno. Be sane.
I just want to say, besides the fact that I love everything you say, that as a fellow yoga teacher and writer I’m so glad I found you on here randomly and I read your work to learn because you are masterful at what you do. I’ve always felt like storytelling is my preferred method of teaching but it’s been hard for me to really figure that out. Your work helps me recognize how it can be done. Thank you!!
This is so kind of you, Ashley. I really think we’re wired for stories and sometimes when you share yours it reaches someone at the exact right moment to give them just enough hope to keep going. That’s happened for me so many times in my life and it’s what gives me the courage to share the stories that are not always the easiest ones to write or publish (or say out loud). Thanks for being here and thanks for saying this. I hope you continue to gather all the grist for the mill (one of my mother’s favorite sayings, and god knows she gave me a lot of grist! Thanks, mom 🤣)
This is such a perfect example of willful ignorance. Guys like “marine mammal lover” basically fit into two categories: the myopic and the apathetic. It’s not that they don’t understand; it’s that it’s easier (lazier?) for them not to understand. And you know when they wake up? When all of a sudden they become fathers to daughters. When it dawns on them their kid has to suffer the indignities they had no problem ignoring when it was merely a woman colleague, a sister, or a mother. And even then, the whole “girl dad” thing is so performative, it’s laughable. Have they woken up because they really see their daughters as humans, or because they see their role as protector from all the shit they know is coming?
I share your rage on behalf of all women everywhere, and am happy you knew a man who could see you as fully human. May his memory be a blessing.
I saw the origin video for man v bear last night. Somehow I’d never seen it. A woman is asking a guy if he had to leave his young daughter in the woods with a man or a bear, which would he choose. The guy spends five minutes shifting around uncomfortably. The woman tells him this is how it is every minute of the day for women. He asked if he gets to know anything about the man or the bear and she says no. He asks if women feel this was walking toward a parking lot if they see a man and the woman says “women feel this was whether they can see a man there or not. It’s the potential that there could be.” You just watch the whole thing dawning on him.
And yes, I’m very glad I met Dr. Malphus, too. His memory is a blessing. Sending you lots of love, thank you so much for being here, and for your wonderful, spot-on comments 🤍
Just surfacing after a deadline and catching up with your work, Ally - another zinger.
Firstly, all praise to the Dr Malphuses of the world - THAT is what a man looks like, THAT is what true strength is. It always feels such a gift and a joy to know that such glorious people live or have lived among us. How lucky we were to have him here, looking after you and your kids.
And then Mr 'My Octopus Teacher'... urgh. Your description reminded me of a couple of academic colleagues I've worked with - both youngish, white, male, though I guess I'm obliged to say that they didn't need to be. Both of them were scholars of civil rights movements, in the US and southeast Asia respectively - but neither of them very good ones, their work highly synthetic of existing research. Which is possibly why both of them were absolute tyrants as university administrators, literally demanding compliance, punishing the slightest resistance, bullying all and sundry. There was an absolute disconnect - no joined up thinking whatsoever - between, on the one hand, the field they studied and wrote about, and on the other hand, the way they were in the world. I couldn't get my head round it. Compartmentalizing masculinity doing its worst? Drawn to heroic histories because they wanted a short cut to heroism for themselves? Bleeding heart liberalism got too much for them and they flipped? I can't understand how you can be engaged with one thing and not understand how it connects with everything else. I can't understand how you can't aspire always to be like Dr Malphus.
It’s so bizarre, I share your bewilderment. Like, you are crying over the fate of this sea lion (which, yes, I doubt any of us here would have a dry eye seeing these poor creatures, it’s gut-wrenching), but you have not an ounce of awareness about what’s happening to so many of the human beings around you? And I understand some people find it easier to connect to animals, I get that, but this is not that.
Anyway, welcome back and so much love to you. May we encounter way more Malphuses than octopus teachers! Hugs❤️
Lots of love to you too, Ally! Empathy makes us such stronger souls - I really believe it. Rupert Sheldrake calls it morphic resonance: the internal capacity to feel the state of other beings around us, all of them if we’re open enough. Thank you for resonating so splendidly!
Thank you, friend. Gratefully received and reflected back to you! 🥹❤️
I read this post this morning and can’t stop thinking about how you so beautifully intertwined all these important things - kindness and universality and being enough and control and bodily autonomy. Thank you for writing 💛
Oh my gosh thank you so much for this comment. That makes my whole day (and night ☺️)
1 - I’m 67 and still have warm memories of my childhood pediatrician, Dr. James Dick. Dr. Dick. Terrible name. Good, old school doc.
2- I lost contact with a cousin and her family when I got into it with her husband in 2015, the days leading up to the first Dump administration. Admittedly, I might have sounded a little condescending when I said, “Do you really not understand that what you’re saying by supporting him is you value your son, but not your daughter?” He lost it how dare I and on and on, but he couldn’t see it. He never did. We’ve never spoken again.
What’s crazy is that it shouldn’t be hard to see. If you vote for someone who doesn’t respect women, then….you don’t respect women. Or girls. It’s not a main issue for you, you’re willing to overlook it for other stuff that matters more like….hmmm. Whatever matters more to you than women and girls being treated as full human beings. So, yeah. It’s a full stop for me, too. Other things also matter to me. But if you’re gonna be potus and you don’t respect 51% of the population I don’t understand how you’re even a contender. I’m going to go bang my head into the wall now, be back later 😩😩😩
Emotionally stunted people cannot picture any reality besides their own. I'm sorry you were subjected to Mr. I Heart Seaweed who doesn't understand how to consider real people. I'm also sorry that he's everywhere, looking to get tips for free to better his position (not ALL Mr. I ♡ Seaweeds, of course)
Not all of them, Eileen! Lol
Wow kate, this is so absolutely powerful. Thank you for this entire story.
I feel you as a mama and I feel you as a woman, and I feel this man as the fucking problem
Thank you
Thanks so much, Prajna. Some days I want to rage at the skies, some days I want to scream into the abyss, and sometimes I want to gather up my kids and all my friends, and find somewhere safe to make art and run through the forest and eat good food and laugh till we cry and stop worrying about these awful people who seem intent on consuming and controlling everything. Until I can figure that last part out, I’ll be here writing away. Thanks for being here xx
Ally❤️
(though you can call me Kate, she’s one of my bffs and I’ve definitely been called worse 😜)
Oooops that made me chuckle
No memory here
Can barely remember my own name lol