Well, I'm awake with you again, Ally. Just appreciating the heck out of you. Those comments, though.... ooooofff. Can I beleive it? Why yes, I can. I also got blamed for pulling the trigger on Renee because I am apparently a holier than thou lefty who doesn’t respect authority. This from a real live white dude at my poetry club meeting, who definitely does not like women (but was unfortunately trapped against his will with a table of progressive women poets.) It was.... batshit cookoo bananas. And now I've blown a blood vessel in my eyeball. No connection, I'm sure. Keep being a badass, ok?? We need you.
So happy you are awake with me. You and I really need to stop getting people killed with our rhetoric. Jesus wept. The comments were, and continue to be insane. I’m not even looking anymore. There’s nothing to say. I think I will drop this essay there and turn off comments and maybe some of them will spontaneously combust. Hugs and love and all the things. Super grateful for you ❤️🩹
Ally, yes - "Jesus wept." The shortest sentence in the Bible. The most powerful. My spiritual director tells me that what breaks our heart also breaks the heart of God. I believe it. I know it.
Speaking of this, the book THE TEARS OF THINGS by Richard Rohr is so beautiful and tender on this topic.
Gosh, Kendall, I just feel this lead weight every time I read another anecdote like this. I am so heartbroken that people treat each other this way. Why does everyone seem to resort to political affiliation when they sling their spite? I don't get it. "Leftys" are good people. I know genuinely good conservative people, too. Why can't we seem to come together?
Anyway, you already know this. I just wanted you to know I see you. I'm with you.
Every female writer I know and love and follow right now just has a drumbeat of "fucking bitch" playing in their head. We're all writing about it and we're all sharing and everyone is reaching into their chest and ripping out their own beating hearts to explain and tell and still, there are men who are blaming women. I struggled with the piece I'm posting today, but it contains the same rage, the same exhaustion, the same understanding of exactly what fucking bitch means. Thank you for putting these words into the world.
I cannot wait to read your piece and yes, same. The unbridled contempt is terrifying and enraging to some of us, given that it’s been under the surface this whole time. Now they’re just open about it, like they are with their racism and bigotry. One of the things that struck me in some of the comments from these men from last week (and I only shared a tiny sample) was the freedom they felt to be wildly insulting. One guy told me he’d “say I was brainwashed but you need a brain for that.” 🙄Another dropped the r word. I got called a see you next Tuesday a lot. A man called my business line to tell me I should not block people. There were so many of them I can’t even remember the most offensive stuff, which I did block, but it was as bad as you’d think. Then I realized, of course it is. Look how their feckless leader speaks to female journalists who don’t kiss the ring. All the hatred trickles down.
Sending you a lot of love, Dina. Always so grateful for your presence and your words ❤️🔥❤️🔥
I get alot of what you are saying yet as a 61 year old female I clearly see now all the many angry, sexist men my entire life. Since I was a childhood victim of pedophilia. Date raped in high school. Married into a patriarchal misogynistic family.
Our violent sex crazed society. The cultural conditioning that you must be coupled up by middle school or there’s something wrong with you. It’s all abhorrent.
We all need to be careful here. It took me the past 15 years of solo living after divorcing my abusive husband to untangle myself from it all. To see it all. I’m still learning and developing a voice. But it was taught and modeled my entire life. And after divorce I entered yet another abusive relationship. And the shame I have felt in both instances is silent and hidden from my colleagues, friends, family. I’m a psychologist. Highly respected. Functional, strong woman who raised 3 good men. A leader in my field.
There are many women who can’t see it, can’t exit it, or don’t know how.
I can’t tell you how many wildly successful friends I have, brilliant, funny, insightful, gorgeous women who ended up in abusive relationships. It’s the water we’re swimming in. I’ve written about my own relationships and experiences plenty, so believe me, I am writing with my own insight from inside that beast. It’s painful and hard to extricate yourself, and there is nothing set up to help. Nothing in the culture, nothing in the legal system. If you’re lucky there’s something in your soul that says “life should not feel this way. I don’t think I’m here for this pain.” If you’re lucky you’ll have some good girlfriends in your life who will tell you it doesn’t have to be this way and that you deserve more and better. If you’re lucky, you’ll have some good men in your life, so you have something to measure it against, but even without that you will know. And then it’s like clawing your way out of a slick well with no ladder. That’s when those girlfriends or family members can maybe throw you a rope, but the rope is made of love and the rest of it is just pure determination on your part to gtfo. Resources help, but not just financial, emotional. It’s so hard. But feels so great when you get on solid ground and then get to the place where you won’t let anyone rob you of that ground again. Hugs and love to you, Tricia.
Thank you so much for this. It’s my entire life. To summarize all the many players in one paragraph, and that describes the life so many women endure, is something I haven’t ever done. Only hindsight allows such clarity.
There are 2 songs I return to frequently, and have for years: Tim McGraw’s ‘Humble and Kind’ and Little Big Town’s ‘A Better Man’. The first was how I tried to raise my sons and was the song at their weddings we danced to. I just sent it to the other day via text with a note: ‘reminding you to check in on yourself.’ The second doesn’t need explaining much after you listen to it.
Women shouldn’t have to choose to live this life alone and because the alternative is too damn dangerous. Or difficult or exhausting. But damn it, it is.
Thank you again. Appreciate all your wisdom and words.
I always, always, always think of the Margaret Atwood quote when I read something like this. You know, the one about men are afraid that women will laugh at them.
I remember mentioning that quote to my wife and asking if she was worried about being hurt or even killed when she was dating (or as we call it, BL, before Len). She goes SURE. Every women thinks about it. And she went on to say that she worries a bit now when she is out alone and some guy would talk to her. Like walking to her car or in a store parking lot. And that every women has stories about scary situations.
And, I felt so ignorant.
For years after that conversation I made an effort not to walk close to women at night. Actually for a few weeks I would cross the street rather than having to walk by woman at night. Maybe over doing it after a lifetime of being oblivious.
It’s a way of life. I appreciate men who ask questions like that, and then care about the answers. And yes, that quote is everything. Thanks for being here, Len, you’re a keeper.
Ally, you just get better and better at telling it like it is. What a couple of weeks of the insane clown-car posse revealing exactly who they are and what they are about. Thank you! 💗
It really is. No matter what I see on the internet, I never launch a persona attack. It’s weird to me. But so many things are these days. Sending you a lot of love. Still thinking about your mom in the laundry room 🥹❤️🩹
It's the women who love them that really cause my jaw to drop. But like you said in the beginning of the post, some of us have dated women-haters once or twenty times. Getting hip to the hate might leave you lonely, but you get to keep your SELF WORTH. What a deal!
Amazing work as always. You always make me shake my fist with hope. xoxoxo love and hugs
Thank you, Eileen. I am so glad you were left feeling hopeful because as enraged and heartbroken as I am, I am not without hope. And yeah, the women supporting this break my heart in a certain kind of way. I wish I knew the right words to Cher/Moonstruck get them to “Snap out of it!” but I haven’t found them yet. It’s the smugness that kills me. I want to say, “Honey, you are not safe. You are selling yourself, your daughters and the rest of us out by sleeping with the enemy, but he’s your enemy, too, you just don’t know it yet.” But they wouldn’t hear that, either. They’ll learn the very hard way I guess. Anyway, thank you for being here, as ever. Appreciate you so much ❤️🩹🙏🏼 Love and hugs back xx
Yes to all of this. It makes me so very tired. I was with an abusive man in my early 20s—I wised up and put 8000 miles between us, and married a kind man I’ve been with for 36 years. I know the difference. Few creatures are as dangerous as a man with a wounded ego. Which is why we choose the grizzly bear.
Exactly. I saw some meme or cartoon and it was an ICE agent standing in front of a car pointing a gun and the caption was, “Why women choose the bear.” At this point in time if I had to choose between being surrounded by six armed ICE agents screaming at me, or a bear in the woods, I’d say my odds are probably better with the bear. Which doesn’t mean they’re good. Smh. Thanks for being here, Martha. Glad you got away from that terrible situation and very happy you have a good and decent man in your life.
Thank you, Ally. I have so much to say, yet I have nothing to say. I feel so many things right now, especially reading your essay. Mostly, I feel defeated. I don't understand why people can't see that they are perpetuating violence with their words, like what this hateful man wrote to you in a comment. I don't understand. Isn't it obvious that we are all affected by this collective trauma? Why continue contributing to it? Why not begin to heal, however we can - not through solutions, but by growth. Humility.
It seems we must return to silence. As in, remain inside the cell of our hearts and listen. Really listen. Understand our motivations, our feelings, our impulse to react. Then, listen to others, especially those we don't agree with. Truly listen - with the heart, with openness, with genuine curiosity.
If we don't begin to provide emotional safety for these conversations to happen, who will?
I can't trust systems or people within those systems of power to do it. But I know we, the people, can. And we must.
And then I move back into possibility, into hope, when I read the words you shared about the great nonviolent leaders of history. I nod my head. I remember the sacred texts. I try to live by them with every breath.
What more can a human do than learn what it means to be human?
I’m working on a piece about how good men are made. In this violent, angry, patriarchal and misogynistic country that is defined by sex and guns.
Having raised 3 boys to men, it was a never-ending battle to counteract the permeating cultural conditioning. Endless snd exhausting and also sad the amount of push back and meanness I received as a single mother whose children were in a broken home. No they weren’t.
Who makes good men? How do little boys become the men they are? As a child psychologist of 30+ years, I’ve seen so much. Good, bad and very ugly. Our society is just awful.
I look forward to reading your piece, Tricia. Also raised two kids as a single mom, a son and a daughter, and I can tell you, my son (now 19), is the kid who gets invited to the otherwise all-girls camping trips. His friends are mostly young women, except for his best bud who is also a stand-up guy. I think it’s not a bad thing for a boy to grow up in a house with his mom and sister. I am not saying boys don’t benefit from having a great dad, but if they don’t have a dad who likes and respects women, then I think the cycle often continues.
What I know is my son treats his gf like gold as he should because she is awesome. He is an excellent big brother, son, friend and person. He’s the guy who will make sure his girlfriends get home safely if they’ve had too much to drink at a party. He wants to be a teacher. I’m freaking proud of him if you can’t tell. I had to do a little course correction along the way because of the culture, but it didn’t take much. Anyway, looking forward to your piece, and nice to meet you.
Yes. What a kind a wonderful reply. Thank you and good on you for how you have raised your son. And daughters.
I’m a firm believer that children can grow and thrive in all kinds of environments and that the traditional family pushed on us by cultural conditioning in the USA is not always healthy or the best. That expectation comes with a ton of guilt and suffering if it doesn’t work out. It didn’t in my situation and why I divorced my husband and became a single mother. I started to see more and more how my sons were being conditioned towards women and it made me worried and sick.
I did my best against all odds and many people, sadly, who were so conditioned to believe things that aren’t always safe or healthy for women or children. And who labeled me default parent, broken home, etc. All untrue.
I had to teach my sons alot. I started to see the fruits of my labors in how they treated their dogs and animals. Then their girlfriends and friends of all persuasions. And the post high school careers they chose. How they are now adulting. But good lord it was never ending corrections, conversations, for years.
Today they are good spouses. Excellent fathers.
Glad to have found your stack! I’ll see you around here and there my friend.
“Yes, you are right! Let’s not do anything. That went so well for (checks notes): the Germans. They didn’t come for just the Jews, they came for disabled, queer, Romani, and anyone who criticized or did not want to work for the thin skinned fuhrer. They killed and imprisoned and disabled many of their own people. They had armed thugs come and beat the crap out of whomever they felt like- non citizen and citizen alike. They were extorted, had valuables stolen, daughters taken or raped, etc. I mean stealing a kids iPhone and selling it is small potatoes compared to what the brown shirts did- but they were like, hey, we can do anything we want to anybody we do not consider a threat. They were state sanctioned bullies. And we are seeing people looking away from the beatings, the illegal stops, the destruction of their vehicles and losing their lives for EXERCISING THEIR RIGHTS AS US CITIZENS, pepper spraying and throwing banned gas canisters into crowds that are not carrying any lethal weapons. If you think snowballs, whistles and singing, signs and photographing what you are doing is “terrorism “ you are weird and illogical. If a police officer took your son out of a car because he didn’t respond, let’s see- fast enough, with a complexion of his choosing, with a language that only you understand, with a joke, etc - and shot him in the face or beat him you’d be angry. What is the end game? Head bowed, no eye contact, papers hanging around our necks, staying home every day, going thru checkpoints to go to work, worship, grocery store? Billions were given to these wanna be, angry, poorly trained, poorly vetted creeps. You think if everyone just gives up their rights, citizens included, the violence will stop?! They are COUNTING on our total compliance. They cannot wait to see how far they can go- your daughters, your kids, your elderly relatives, your property- all they have to do is make up a lame story and you are now enemy #1. So please, do nothing. That way you’ve insured they can get away with EVERYTHING.”
Standing ovation and 100%, and yes to every word, Jen. I said as much in every different way I could think of because I’m stubborn AF and I thought *maybe* I could get through to one or two of them, but I swear it’s like they have been infected by a virus. It’s like invasion of the body snatchers. It’s like the empathy chip has been removed along with the critical thinking one, and the one where you trust your own eyes over what someone else tells you to believe. It was scary and it still is. I do not feel hopeful about getting through to the people who’ve gotten sucked into this red-hatted cult. And it does feel more like a virus than a cult. I say that with a lot of sadness. Maybe there are some people who’ve voted Republican all their lives who are not fans of his and “just” haven’t been paying attention (a thing that is enraging in its own right). Maybe some of those people might come around, but we don’t have time to wait — or, maybe a better way for me to say it is I don’t think my energy is best spent trying to get through in comments the way I did. I really tried.
Maybe it’s good for all of us to keep trying, but I’ll tell you what I’d like to see more of is Sheriff Rochelle Bilal in Philly. I’ll post her press conference in my notes today, but it’s from a week ago. We just need people in leadership positions to step up and speak out and band together because you know we will instantly back them up. Anyway. Your comments were exactly everything and I am with you. Thank you for being here, Jen.
There’s a percentage of human beings who seem to cling to authoritarian structures- family dynamics, religions and work hierarchies. It’s like they are afraid to even conceive of the idea that police, security forces, military, etc can be or do wrong. Your pastor or priest can be and do wrong. Your president can be or do wrong. Your boss can be wrong. “If they’d just complied..” I keep seeing ad nauseum. Oh- so you’ve never questioned authority ever?? Should a teacher slap a kid for being a smart ass or not finishing an assignment? Some of these sadists say yes, they should. They beat or verbally abuse their children, wives, into “submission.” What do they do when they are pulled over for a lark by a sadist with a so called badge and they comply, and they STILL get mistreated, abused, taken advantage of, etc? It’s like it could NEVER happen to them. There’s complying because you have a legitimate stop- you went thru a stop sign, you stole a car, you sped thru a school zone, etc. These overpaid thugs just racially profile someone and go, yeah, they’ll do. They conflate their rights as US citizens with “interference with law enforcement.” And there are people who comply and are STILL detained! If cops did this level of hourly Minnesota human rights abuses, they’d be fired, sued, etc. And their carpet bagger fake hillbilly (he does not represent any of my Appalachian ancestry worth its salt) VP said they have immunity? Ok then - hope they never ever mistake your wife and she refuses or doesn’t have security to protect her or her relatives?? It’s like watching people on Invasion of the Body Snatchers, no empathy, just conquer and move on. Just give in. The very same fools who were screeching about freedom and now might have an emperor instead of an elected official. It’s like just admit you want a monarchy and you have a severe authoritarian kink- ohhh daddy, boss me and humiliate me and keep me on a short leash. (Legit bdsm folks- no kink shame, just calling out the severely repressed fascist type who hide behind religion and get off on boots on their neck in secret when they are done domineering others at work, other countries, wives, kids, etc. )
With you. It is sad and wild to see. I genuinely tried to have conversations with people in that “other” comments section. I went way past my boundaries for the way I’d ever let someone speak to me to see if I could be patient and treat it like white noise and just stick to the subject or the question. For example, if you’re a “law and order” person, how are you okay with xyz? Or if you’re a “don’t tread on me person then how is this okay with you?” But they’d just deflect and scream about something else, or hurl more personal attacks. There’s no room for conversation, they aren’t up for anything that might disrupt the blind rage and loyalty. It’s exhausting and sad and really left me feeling hollowed out which isn’t useful. So I won’t be doing that again, it’s not worth it. So many other places to put the energy. I really appreciate your comments, Jen.
Going to the Scottish Highland Games tomorrow with my younger son to keep our joy access up. Been before- it’s a bit overpriced but it’s a lot of fun for those of us who enjoy that kind of thing - caber tossing, battle hymns on bagpipes, good whiskey, hammer throws, Celtic music, etc. I can’t let these cowardly rancid bags of farts wearing suits who have Dark Ages fantasies of power steal my joy. Scotland has a wonderful and iron edged motto- “Nemo me impune lecessit” or No one interferes with me with impunity or in plain street language- “Who wants to fuck around and find out?!” I hope you find some joy to ride along with the ongoing anger and sadness in the coming days. I paint, crochet, write, read, bake, plant things. Don’t let the bastards grind you down. And please don’t stop writing!
That sounds so good, I wish I could join you. I am doing my best to find those “pockets of joy” because I know they are fuel, and because I refuse to allow these bastards to make me forget how much beauty there is in this world, and how many incredible people who want things to be better and kinder than this. So thank you. I appreciate you so much and I hope you had a great day with your son. I am basically chauffeur for my daughter today, and that will do just fine ❤️
We can’t look away, we have to stand up! I applaud the citizens of Minneapolis for their bravery I keep waiting for more businesses, corporations, unions to speak up about these atrocities. Exercise some leadership and make a stand on the right side of history!! We all have to fight because in the long run we are all affected. Thank you Ally for helping us deal with the despair and fear.
I’d like to see more people speaking out like the Sheriff in Philly, Rochelle Bilal. She got out there and laid it down. Called ICE and the potus all the way out. There were some people saying she doesn’t have the power to fight ICE the way she said, but if you google her, you will see she has EXACTLY the kind of power we need right now. Hugs Maureen. Thanks for being here ❤️🩹🙏🏼
It's almost like people who don't like protest don't understand what this country was founded on. Which is protest. The Boston Tea party? A protest. The Revolutionary War? A protest.
Ding ding ding! It is a wild thing to see and hear the disdain and disgust for people filming and protesting. I’m so sad for all of us that this is the place we’ve come to, where 30% of the country does not care what happens to the rest of us. I’m even sad for the people who don’t care if we get killed. Smh. Hugs to you, though. Thanks for being here ❤️🩹❤️🩹
These are the same people that were happy to tear this country apart during the Civil War so they could be kings of the ashes. It's our country and we don't have to give it over to them just because they "don't like" and "don't approve of" protesting.
I snort-laughed back atcha when I got to "well, actually". (Thank you for my easter egg.) Yeah these men are easy to spot, except when they are super charming when you first meet them. But right now it does feel like they are out of hiding. The comments on your page are toxic and I wish I was surprised. I also wish for so many more men from the "not all men" category to speak up and drown out the toxic ones.
They are, indeed, often love-bombers. Once they have you and you’re “in”, they do the “bait and switch” slowly. Most of them are really good at it. And I was not shocked by the comments, but I was really saddened to see how entrenched these people are, and how many of them would shrug if I got shot in the face 3 times for caring about my neighbors. They genuinely hate us. Anyway, you are very welcome for the Easter egg 🪺The *well, actually* brigade is exhausting. Rebecca Solnit’s story is maybe my favorite. Assuming you’ve seen it but here she is telling it just in case: Check out this video, ""https://share.google/7YNGV3BdAxMiBzQY8
Well, I'm awake with you again, Ally. Just appreciating the heck out of you. Those comments, though.... ooooofff. Can I beleive it? Why yes, I can. I also got blamed for pulling the trigger on Renee because I am apparently a holier than thou lefty who doesn’t respect authority. This from a real live white dude at my poetry club meeting, who definitely does not like women (but was unfortunately trapped against his will with a table of progressive women poets.) It was.... batshit cookoo bananas. And now I've blown a blood vessel in my eyeball. No connection, I'm sure. Keep being a badass, ok?? We need you.
So happy you are awake with me. You and I really need to stop getting people killed with our rhetoric. Jesus wept. The comments were, and continue to be insane. I’m not even looking anymore. There’s nothing to say. I think I will drop this essay there and turn off comments and maybe some of them will spontaneously combust. Hugs and love and all the things. Super grateful for you ❤️🩹
Ally, yes - "Jesus wept." The shortest sentence in the Bible. The most powerful. My spiritual director tells me that what breaks our heart also breaks the heart of God. I believe it. I know it.
Speaking of this, the book THE TEARS OF THINGS by Richard Rohr is so beautiful and tender on this topic.
Do it, sis. Blow up those unhinged whackados with your dangerous rhetoric. I'll watch for the smoke over here. ;)
Gosh, Kendall, I just feel this lead weight every time I read another anecdote like this. I am so heartbroken that people treat each other this way. Why does everyone seem to resort to political affiliation when they sling their spite? I don't get it. "Leftys" are good people. I know genuinely good conservative people, too. Why can't we seem to come together?
Anyway, you already know this. I just wanted you to know I see you. I'm with you.
Every female writer I know and love and follow right now just has a drumbeat of "fucking bitch" playing in their head. We're all writing about it and we're all sharing and everyone is reaching into their chest and ripping out their own beating hearts to explain and tell and still, there are men who are blaming women. I struggled with the piece I'm posting today, but it contains the same rage, the same exhaustion, the same understanding of exactly what fucking bitch means. Thank you for putting these words into the world.
I cannot wait to read your piece and yes, same. The unbridled contempt is terrifying and enraging to some of us, given that it’s been under the surface this whole time. Now they’re just open about it, like they are with their racism and bigotry. One of the things that struck me in some of the comments from these men from last week (and I only shared a tiny sample) was the freedom they felt to be wildly insulting. One guy told me he’d “say I was brainwashed but you need a brain for that.” 🙄Another dropped the r word. I got called a see you next Tuesday a lot. A man called my business line to tell me I should not block people. There were so many of them I can’t even remember the most offensive stuff, which I did block, but it was as bad as you’d think. Then I realized, of course it is. Look how their feckless leader speaks to female journalists who don’t kiss the ring. All the hatred trickles down.
Sending you a lot of love, Dina. Always so grateful for your presence and your words ❤️🔥❤️🔥
I get alot of what you are saying yet as a 61 year old female I clearly see now all the many angry, sexist men my entire life. Since I was a childhood victim of pedophilia. Date raped in high school. Married into a patriarchal misogynistic family.
Our violent sex crazed society. The cultural conditioning that you must be coupled up by middle school or there’s something wrong with you. It’s all abhorrent.
We all need to be careful here. It took me the past 15 years of solo living after divorcing my abusive husband to untangle myself from it all. To see it all. I’m still learning and developing a voice. But it was taught and modeled my entire life. And after divorce I entered yet another abusive relationship. And the shame I have felt in both instances is silent and hidden from my colleagues, friends, family. I’m a psychologist. Highly respected. Functional, strong woman who raised 3 good men. A leader in my field.
There are many women who can’t see it, can’t exit it, or don’t know how.
I can’t tell you how many wildly successful friends I have, brilliant, funny, insightful, gorgeous women who ended up in abusive relationships. It’s the water we’re swimming in. I’ve written about my own relationships and experiences plenty, so believe me, I am writing with my own insight from inside that beast. It’s painful and hard to extricate yourself, and there is nothing set up to help. Nothing in the culture, nothing in the legal system. If you’re lucky there’s something in your soul that says “life should not feel this way. I don’t think I’m here for this pain.” If you’re lucky you’ll have some good girlfriends in your life who will tell you it doesn’t have to be this way and that you deserve more and better. If you’re lucky, you’ll have some good men in your life, so you have something to measure it against, but even without that you will know. And then it’s like clawing your way out of a slick well with no ladder. That’s when those girlfriends or family members can maybe throw you a rope, but the rope is made of love and the rest of it is just pure determination on your part to gtfo. Resources help, but not just financial, emotional. It’s so hard. But feels so great when you get on solid ground and then get to the place where you won’t let anyone rob you of that ground again. Hugs and love to you, Tricia.
Thank you so much for this. It’s my entire life. To summarize all the many players in one paragraph, and that describes the life so many women endure, is something I haven’t ever done. Only hindsight allows such clarity.
There are 2 songs I return to frequently, and have for years: Tim McGraw’s ‘Humble and Kind’ and Little Big Town’s ‘A Better Man’. The first was how I tried to raise my sons and was the song at their weddings we danced to. I just sent it to the other day via text with a note: ‘reminding you to check in on yourself.’ The second doesn’t need explaining much after you listen to it.
Women shouldn’t have to choose to live this life alone and because the alternative is too damn dangerous. Or difficult or exhausting. But damn it, it is.
Thank you again. Appreciate all your wisdom and words.
I know A Better Man but will have to check out Humble and Kind. Have a great night. Hugs and love ❤️
I always, always, always think of the Margaret Atwood quote when I read something like this. You know, the one about men are afraid that women will laugh at them.
I remember mentioning that quote to my wife and asking if she was worried about being hurt or even killed when she was dating (or as we call it, BL, before Len). She goes SURE. Every women thinks about it. And she went on to say that she worries a bit now when she is out alone and some guy would talk to her. Like walking to her car or in a store parking lot. And that every women has stories about scary situations.
And, I felt so ignorant.
For years after that conversation I made an effort not to walk close to women at night. Actually for a few weeks I would cross the street rather than having to walk by woman at night. Maybe over doing it after a lifetime of being oblivious.
It’s a way of life. I appreciate men who ask questions like that, and then care about the answers. And yes, that quote is everything. Thanks for being here, Len, you’re a keeper.
Ally, you just get better and better at telling it like it is. What a couple of weeks of the insane clown-car posse revealing exactly who they are and what they are about. Thank you! 💗
Thank you so much, David. I appreciate you so much 🙏🏼❤️🩹❤️🩹
Likewise—I appreciate your honesty, perceptiveness and bravery.
It is so sad that there are hate filled people just sitting out there waiting to be mean and ugly about anything anyone says.
It really is. No matter what I see on the internet, I never launch a persona attack. It’s weird to me. But so many things are these days. Sending you a lot of love. Still thinking about your mom in the laundry room 🥹❤️🩹
It's the women who love them that really cause my jaw to drop. But like you said in the beginning of the post, some of us have dated women-haters once or twenty times. Getting hip to the hate might leave you lonely, but you get to keep your SELF WORTH. What a deal!
Amazing work as always. You always make me shake my fist with hope. xoxoxo love and hugs
Thank you, Eileen. I am so glad you were left feeling hopeful because as enraged and heartbroken as I am, I am not without hope. And yeah, the women supporting this break my heart in a certain kind of way. I wish I knew the right words to Cher/Moonstruck get them to “Snap out of it!” but I haven’t found them yet. It’s the smugness that kills me. I want to say, “Honey, you are not safe. You are selling yourself, your daughters and the rest of us out by sleeping with the enemy, but he’s your enemy, too, you just don’t know it yet.” But they wouldn’t hear that, either. They’ll learn the very hard way I guess. Anyway, thank you for being here, as ever. Appreciate you so much ❤️🩹🙏🏼 Love and hugs back xx
Yes to all of this. It makes me so very tired. I was with an abusive man in my early 20s—I wised up and put 8000 miles between us, and married a kind man I’ve been with for 36 years. I know the difference. Few creatures are as dangerous as a man with a wounded ego. Which is why we choose the grizzly bear.
Exactly. I saw some meme or cartoon and it was an ICE agent standing in front of a car pointing a gun and the caption was, “Why women choose the bear.” At this point in time if I had to choose between being surrounded by six armed ICE agents screaming at me, or a bear in the woods, I’d say my odds are probably better with the bear. Which doesn’t mean they’re good. Smh. Thanks for being here, Martha. Glad you got away from that terrible situation and very happy you have a good and decent man in your life.
Thank you, Ally. I have so much to say, yet I have nothing to say. I feel so many things right now, especially reading your essay. Mostly, I feel defeated. I don't understand why people can't see that they are perpetuating violence with their words, like what this hateful man wrote to you in a comment. I don't understand. Isn't it obvious that we are all affected by this collective trauma? Why continue contributing to it? Why not begin to heal, however we can - not through solutions, but by growth. Humility.
It seems we must return to silence. As in, remain inside the cell of our hearts and listen. Really listen. Understand our motivations, our feelings, our impulse to react. Then, listen to others, especially those we don't agree with. Truly listen - with the heart, with openness, with genuine curiosity.
If we don't begin to provide emotional safety for these conversations to happen, who will?
I can't trust systems or people within those systems of power to do it. But I know we, the people, can. And we must.
And then I move back into possibility, into hope, when I read the words you shared about the great nonviolent leaders of history. I nod my head. I remember the sacred texts. I try to live by them with every breath.
What more can a human do than learn what it means to be human?
I’m working on a piece about how good men are made. In this violent, angry, patriarchal and misogynistic country that is defined by sex and guns.
Having raised 3 boys to men, it was a never-ending battle to counteract the permeating cultural conditioning. Endless snd exhausting and also sad the amount of push back and meanness I received as a single mother whose children were in a broken home. No they weren’t.
Who makes good men? How do little boys become the men they are? As a child psychologist of 30+ years, I’ve seen so much. Good, bad and very ugly. Our society is just awful.
I look forward to reading your piece, Tricia. Also raised two kids as a single mom, a son and a daughter, and I can tell you, my son (now 19), is the kid who gets invited to the otherwise all-girls camping trips. His friends are mostly young women, except for his best bud who is also a stand-up guy. I think it’s not a bad thing for a boy to grow up in a house with his mom and sister. I am not saying boys don’t benefit from having a great dad, but if they don’t have a dad who likes and respects women, then I think the cycle often continues.
What I know is my son treats his gf like gold as he should because she is awesome. He is an excellent big brother, son, friend and person. He’s the guy who will make sure his girlfriends get home safely if they’ve had too much to drink at a party. He wants to be a teacher. I’m freaking proud of him if you can’t tell. I had to do a little course correction along the way because of the culture, but it didn’t take much. Anyway, looking forward to your piece, and nice to meet you.
Yes. What a kind a wonderful reply. Thank you and good on you for how you have raised your son. And daughters.
I’m a firm believer that children can grow and thrive in all kinds of environments and that the traditional family pushed on us by cultural conditioning in the USA is not always healthy or the best. That expectation comes with a ton of guilt and suffering if it doesn’t work out. It didn’t in my situation and why I divorced my husband and became a single mother. I started to see more and more how my sons were being conditioned towards women and it made me worried and sick.
I did my best against all odds and many people, sadly, who were so conditioned to believe things that aren’t always safe or healthy for women or children. And who labeled me default parent, broken home, etc. All untrue.
I had to teach my sons alot. I started to see the fruits of my labors in how they treated their dogs and animals. Then their girlfriends and friends of all persuasions. And the post high school careers they chose. How they are now adulting. But good lord it was never ending corrections, conversations, for years.
Today they are good spouses. Excellent fathers.
Glad to have found your stack! I’ll see you around here and there my friend.
Feels like we could have a very long conversation, Tricia. I relate very much. So happy to have met you 🙏🏼
“Yes, you are right! Let’s not do anything. That went so well for (checks notes): the Germans. They didn’t come for just the Jews, they came for disabled, queer, Romani, and anyone who criticized or did not want to work for the thin skinned fuhrer. They killed and imprisoned and disabled many of their own people. They had armed thugs come and beat the crap out of whomever they felt like- non citizen and citizen alike. They were extorted, had valuables stolen, daughters taken or raped, etc. I mean stealing a kids iPhone and selling it is small potatoes compared to what the brown shirts did- but they were like, hey, we can do anything we want to anybody we do not consider a threat. They were state sanctioned bullies. And we are seeing people looking away from the beatings, the illegal stops, the destruction of their vehicles and losing their lives for EXERCISING THEIR RIGHTS AS US CITIZENS, pepper spraying and throwing banned gas canisters into crowds that are not carrying any lethal weapons. If you think snowballs, whistles and singing, signs and photographing what you are doing is “terrorism “ you are weird and illogical. If a police officer took your son out of a car because he didn’t respond, let’s see- fast enough, with a complexion of his choosing, with a language that only you understand, with a joke, etc - and shot him in the face or beat him you’d be angry. What is the end game? Head bowed, no eye contact, papers hanging around our necks, staying home every day, going thru checkpoints to go to work, worship, grocery store? Billions were given to these wanna be, angry, poorly trained, poorly vetted creeps. You think if everyone just gives up their rights, citizens included, the violence will stop?! They are COUNTING on our total compliance. They cannot wait to see how far they can go- your daughters, your kids, your elderly relatives, your property- all they have to do is make up a lame story and you are now enemy #1. So please, do nothing. That way you’ve insured they can get away with EVERYTHING.”
Standing ovation and 100%, and yes to every word, Jen. I said as much in every different way I could think of because I’m stubborn AF and I thought *maybe* I could get through to one or two of them, but I swear it’s like they have been infected by a virus. It’s like invasion of the body snatchers. It’s like the empathy chip has been removed along with the critical thinking one, and the one where you trust your own eyes over what someone else tells you to believe. It was scary and it still is. I do not feel hopeful about getting through to the people who’ve gotten sucked into this red-hatted cult. And it does feel more like a virus than a cult. I say that with a lot of sadness. Maybe there are some people who’ve voted Republican all their lives who are not fans of his and “just” haven’t been paying attention (a thing that is enraging in its own right). Maybe some of those people might come around, but we don’t have time to wait — or, maybe a better way for me to say it is I don’t think my energy is best spent trying to get through in comments the way I did. I really tried.
Maybe it’s good for all of us to keep trying, but I’ll tell you what I’d like to see more of is Sheriff Rochelle Bilal in Philly. I’ll post her press conference in my notes today, but it’s from a week ago. We just need people in leadership positions to step up and speak out and band together because you know we will instantly back them up. Anyway. Your comments were exactly everything and I am with you. Thank you for being here, Jen.
There’s a percentage of human beings who seem to cling to authoritarian structures- family dynamics, religions and work hierarchies. It’s like they are afraid to even conceive of the idea that police, security forces, military, etc can be or do wrong. Your pastor or priest can be and do wrong. Your president can be or do wrong. Your boss can be wrong. “If they’d just complied..” I keep seeing ad nauseum. Oh- so you’ve never questioned authority ever?? Should a teacher slap a kid for being a smart ass or not finishing an assignment? Some of these sadists say yes, they should. They beat or verbally abuse their children, wives, into “submission.” What do they do when they are pulled over for a lark by a sadist with a so called badge and they comply, and they STILL get mistreated, abused, taken advantage of, etc? It’s like it could NEVER happen to them. There’s complying because you have a legitimate stop- you went thru a stop sign, you stole a car, you sped thru a school zone, etc. These overpaid thugs just racially profile someone and go, yeah, they’ll do. They conflate their rights as US citizens with “interference with law enforcement.” And there are people who comply and are STILL detained! If cops did this level of hourly Minnesota human rights abuses, they’d be fired, sued, etc. And their carpet bagger fake hillbilly (he does not represent any of my Appalachian ancestry worth its salt) VP said they have immunity? Ok then - hope they never ever mistake your wife and she refuses or doesn’t have security to protect her or her relatives?? It’s like watching people on Invasion of the Body Snatchers, no empathy, just conquer and move on. Just give in. The very same fools who were screeching about freedom and now might have an emperor instead of an elected official. It’s like just admit you want a monarchy and you have a severe authoritarian kink- ohhh daddy, boss me and humiliate me and keep me on a short leash. (Legit bdsm folks- no kink shame, just calling out the severely repressed fascist type who hide behind religion and get off on boots on their neck in secret when they are done domineering others at work, other countries, wives, kids, etc. )
With you. It is sad and wild to see. I genuinely tried to have conversations with people in that “other” comments section. I went way past my boundaries for the way I’d ever let someone speak to me to see if I could be patient and treat it like white noise and just stick to the subject or the question. For example, if you’re a “law and order” person, how are you okay with xyz? Or if you’re a “don’t tread on me person then how is this okay with you?” But they’d just deflect and scream about something else, or hurl more personal attacks. There’s no room for conversation, they aren’t up for anything that might disrupt the blind rage and loyalty. It’s exhausting and sad and really left me feeling hollowed out which isn’t useful. So I won’t be doing that again, it’s not worth it. So many other places to put the energy. I really appreciate your comments, Jen.
Going to the Scottish Highland Games tomorrow with my younger son to keep our joy access up. Been before- it’s a bit overpriced but it’s a lot of fun for those of us who enjoy that kind of thing - caber tossing, battle hymns on bagpipes, good whiskey, hammer throws, Celtic music, etc. I can’t let these cowardly rancid bags of farts wearing suits who have Dark Ages fantasies of power steal my joy. Scotland has a wonderful and iron edged motto- “Nemo me impune lecessit” or No one interferes with me with impunity or in plain street language- “Who wants to fuck around and find out?!” I hope you find some joy to ride along with the ongoing anger and sadness in the coming days. I paint, crochet, write, read, bake, plant things. Don’t let the bastards grind you down. And please don’t stop writing!
That sounds so good, I wish I could join you. I am doing my best to find those “pockets of joy” because I know they are fuel, and because I refuse to allow these bastards to make me forget how much beauty there is in this world, and how many incredible people who want things to be better and kinder than this. So thank you. I appreciate you so much and I hope you had a great day with your son. I am basically chauffeur for my daughter today, and that will do just fine ❤️
We can’t look away, we have to stand up! I applaud the citizens of Minneapolis for their bravery I keep waiting for more businesses, corporations, unions to speak up about these atrocities. Exercise some leadership and make a stand on the right side of history!! We all have to fight because in the long run we are all affected. Thank you Ally for helping us deal with the despair and fear.
I’d like to see more people speaking out like the Sheriff in Philly, Rochelle Bilal. She got out there and laid it down. Called ICE and the potus all the way out. There were some people saying she doesn’t have the power to fight ICE the way she said, but if you google her, you will see she has EXACTLY the kind of power we need right now. Hugs Maureen. Thanks for being here ❤️🩹🙏🏼
It's almost like people who don't like protest don't understand what this country was founded on. Which is protest. The Boston Tea party? A protest. The Revolutionary War? A protest.
Yes! Rigidity and intolerance foment protest.
Ding ding ding! It is a wild thing to see and hear the disdain and disgust for people filming and protesting. I’m so sad for all of us that this is the place we’ve come to, where 30% of the country does not care what happens to the rest of us. I’m even sad for the people who don’t care if we get killed. Smh. Hugs to you, though. Thanks for being here ❤️🩹❤️🩹
These are the same people that were happy to tear this country apart during the Civil War so they could be kings of the ashes. It's our country and we don't have to give it over to them just because they "don't like" and "don't approve of" protesting.
Exactly. There will be no “giving over” no matter how loudly they scream, gaslight, or refuse to understand consent or the Constitution.
Truth. Said like it is.
Thank you
Thanks for being here, John.
Great article. Nailed it. I would always choose the bear. 🐻
The bear certainly wouldn’t call any of us a “f*cking b*tch” after. Smh. Thanks for being here ❤️🩹❤️🔥
I am a woman men and women hate, thus I walk alone.
I’m sorry Arlene, that sounds hard — to me, anyway. I know some people prefer solitude. I’m sending you hugs, anyway.
I snort-laughed back atcha when I got to "well, actually". (Thank you for my easter egg.) Yeah these men are easy to spot, except when they are super charming when you first meet them. But right now it does feel like they are out of hiding. The comments on your page are toxic and I wish I was surprised. I also wish for so many more men from the "not all men" category to speak up and drown out the toxic ones.
They are, indeed, often love-bombers. Once they have you and you’re “in”, they do the “bait and switch” slowly. Most of them are really good at it. And I was not shocked by the comments, but I was really saddened to see how entrenched these people are, and how many of them would shrug if I got shot in the face 3 times for caring about my neighbors. They genuinely hate us. Anyway, you are very welcome for the Easter egg 🪺The *well, actually* brigade is exhausting. Rebecca Solnit’s story is maybe my favorite. Assuming you’ve seen it but here she is telling it just in case: Check out this video, ""https://share.google/7YNGV3BdAxMiBzQY8