I don’t know exactly when I started to notice that one small new grief seemed to reconstitute all the old ones. Somewhere around the pandemic I think. You’ve said it all beautifully here. As always.
The portal grief opens in a feeling human is my favorite door to enter them by. There’s no bullshit or pretense. Just pain I deeply recognize, and if I close my eyes, can feel as my own. It makes me know how connected we all are. How much we need each other.
Your grief portal has horses racing across its threshold. I’d walk through it and sit with you any day, friend. xo
Oh Kate. This made me cry. I’m still riding a little river of grief, swimming around and trying to keep my head above water. It caught me off guard this time, it shouldn’t have, but it did. So, thank you for this. I know I’ll float through the portal again soon, but thanks for coming to give me a hug while I navigate. You’re the best.
Waking up this morning and reading this I feel suddenly transformed in space and time. Thank you for sharing your beautiful writing and your tender heart. And for bringing all us lucky lucky readers with you.
We already chatted about this in text, but hometown visits are always fraught, especially as card carrying members of the DKC (Damaged Kids Club - my friend Mer uses this term). I want to go and hug our 14 year old selves and tell them they're doing great. 💖 Someone should, anyway.
It was fraught and I really wish we could have met and hugged in person, but I am determined to make it happen next time. DKC for reals, but we’re doing all right ❤️🩹Hugs and love from overcast Santa Monica, Kari. I am bringing the gloomy weather with me apparently. Matches my mood I guess.
It is STILL rainy and gloomy here. We got one sunny day and the rest has been cold rainy bs. I wish we could have met too, but I also know you needed some downtime ❤ We'll make it happen, one way or another!
I am so glad to have saved your essay for this morning. You were able to articulate those feelings of nostalgia, loss, and being present in the past and in today. This past weekend I had the opportunity to stop by my elementary school. I was quite surprised that as much that has changed, this place felt and looked exactly the same. Standing on the playground It was 1979, I am in the 4th grade. I can hear the sound of the pink kickball rolling down the cement. I can see my spelling words, written on cards stacked on my desk. I am transported in time and space. I live in nostalgia anyway and this experience left me with some unnamed emotions. I appreciate how you put these words together to tell the story of a place and a time. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Sarelle. It’s such a wild thing, isn’t it? Revisiting a place where you spent so much time as a kid. It really does feel like time travel to me. I’m still swimming in all kinds of feelings. I’m grateful this spoke to you, and so happy you’re here🤍
Boy, I felt this one in my bones. I know we’re not supposed to dwell too much on the past but I’m frequently stuck in mine. At times, that familiar ache of everything that is no longer, can feel more real than reality itself. Sending you love and big hugs, Ally.
Yes the older I get, the less I feel like time is linear. It really feels like it folds in on itself, so even if you aren’t dwelling on the past, it’s still going to meet you in the present sometimes. In whatever incarnation 🤍🤍
Those horses on the door! Having nowhere to put your feelings. Returning to your old home, your old room, your old school, all those memories. Having no armour. So evocative, Ally. I felt the love and loss.
Hi Ally, thank you as always for a brilliant, beautiful piece. You are right, there's something, some sort of shift that happens as we age and it starts to feel that there are way too many hard pills to swallows everywhere.
There is a good thing in growing old too though. I seem to be able to appreciate slower moments much better. Quite deeply actually. Usually it's connected to a song, Low Roar - Give up comes to mind, or something that Anneke does or says. Or that my orchid is going to bloom again and there's two tiny spiders living in and I always feel sorry for them when I spray it with water.
Also good essays count! I seem to have little interest in things that seem important on the surface but actually aren't, and instead I much more prefer ordinary things that people do with incredible kindness despite all that's fucked up.
Actually today an old man waved at me and said "I hope you will have a good day.". Not randomly, we're kind of friends, he's lost his wife, a dog last year and we meet ocassionally in the neighbourhood.
Anyway, thank you for being here and writing. Always.
Ally, you never fail to amaze me with your ability to be on live videos, do Mom biz (do you prefer "chauffeur'?), run a business, keep up with people here AND post and podcast with deep thoughts weekly. Do you ever sleep?
Going home is always bittersweet for me. I watched "Singles" the other day with a friend (1992 Seattle flick) and it was so weird to see the city the way it was when I was in my 20s. I felt so grown up at the time but I was truly winging it with no guidebook. In my teen years, my BFF and I used to hitchhike on the freeway entrance to find adventure. I'm amazed we all survived.
I'm glad you were able to spend time with Dani and center yourself. Love your reminder to be tender, be sure to apply that to your sweet self as well. Sending hugs from Chi. 🩷
I don’t know exactly when I started to notice that one small new grief seemed to reconstitute all the old ones. Somewhere around the pandemic I think. You’ve said it all beautifully here. As always.
The portal grief opens in a feeling human is my favorite door to enter them by. There’s no bullshit or pretense. Just pain I deeply recognize, and if I close my eyes, can feel as my own. It makes me know how connected we all are. How much we need each other.
Your grief portal has horses racing across its threshold. I’d walk through it and sit with you any day, friend. xo
Oh Kate. This made me cry. I’m still riding a little river of grief, swimming around and trying to keep my head above water. It caught me off guard this time, it shouldn’t have, but it did. So, thank you for this. I know I’ll float through the portal again soon, but thanks for coming to give me a hug while I navigate. You’re the best.
Waking up this morning and reading this I feel suddenly transformed in space and time. Thank you for sharing your beautiful writing and your tender heart. And for bringing all us lucky lucky readers with you.
This went right to my heart. Love you so much.
We already chatted about this in text, but hometown visits are always fraught, especially as card carrying members of the DKC (Damaged Kids Club - my friend Mer uses this term). I want to go and hug our 14 year old selves and tell them they're doing great. 💖 Someone should, anyway.
It was fraught and I really wish we could have met and hugged in person, but I am determined to make it happen next time. DKC for reals, but we’re doing all right ❤️🩹Hugs and love from overcast Santa Monica, Kari. I am bringing the gloomy weather with me apparently. Matches my mood I guess.
It is STILL rainy and gloomy here. We got one sunny day and the rest has been cold rainy bs. I wish we could have met too, but I also know you needed some downtime ❤ We'll make it happen, one way or another!
I am so glad to have saved your essay for this morning. You were able to articulate those feelings of nostalgia, loss, and being present in the past and in today. This past weekend I had the opportunity to stop by my elementary school. I was quite surprised that as much that has changed, this place felt and looked exactly the same. Standing on the playground It was 1979, I am in the 4th grade. I can hear the sound of the pink kickball rolling down the cement. I can see my spelling words, written on cards stacked on my desk. I am transported in time and space. I live in nostalgia anyway and this experience left me with some unnamed emotions. I appreciate how you put these words together to tell the story of a place and a time. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Sarelle. It’s such a wild thing, isn’t it? Revisiting a place where you spent so much time as a kid. It really does feel like time travel to me. I’m still swimming in all kinds of feelings. I’m grateful this spoke to you, and so happy you’re here🤍
There is so much to love about this post .. nostalgic, inspiring, real .. thank you
Thank you so much. Kind of opened a vein with this one, so I appreciate it 💔❤️🩹
Boy, I felt this one in my bones. I know we’re not supposed to dwell too much on the past but I’m frequently stuck in mine. At times, that familiar ache of everything that is no longer, can feel more real than reality itself. Sending you love and big hugs, Ally.
Yes the older I get, the less I feel like time is linear. It really feels like it folds in on itself, so even if you aren’t dwelling on the past, it’s still going to meet you in the present sometimes. In whatever incarnation 🤍🤍
Sending you a message in response to this because its long and rather in-depth lol!
Those horses on the door! Having nowhere to put your feelings. Returning to your old home, your old room, your old school, all those memories. Having no armour. So evocative, Ally. I felt the love and loss.
Thank you, Wendy. I always know it’s going to be emotional, but I got blindsided by some things this week. Sigh. Lots of love from JFK xx
Thank you for writing about it. Love to you, too x
A beautiful heart-wrencher. It does not get any easier to lose the ones you love.
It really does not 😔 Thank you, Rona x
Hi Ally, thank you as always for a brilliant, beautiful piece. You are right, there's something, some sort of shift that happens as we age and it starts to feel that there are way too many hard pills to swallows everywhere.
There is a good thing in growing old too though. I seem to be able to appreciate slower moments much better. Quite deeply actually. Usually it's connected to a song, Low Roar - Give up comes to mind, or something that Anneke does or says. Or that my orchid is going to bloom again and there's two tiny spiders living in and I always feel sorry for them when I spray it with water.
Also good essays count! I seem to have little interest in things that seem important on the surface but actually aren't, and instead I much more prefer ordinary things that people do with incredible kindness despite all that's fucked up.
Actually today an old man waved at me and said "I hope you will have a good day.". Not randomly, we're kind of friends, he's lost his wife, a dog last year and we meet ocassionally in the neighbourhood.
Anyway, thank you for being here and writing. Always.
All the best to you and your family. ❤️
Namaste. 🙏
Thank you, Peter. I appreciate your comments so much ❤️ Love to you and Anneke as ever xx
Ally, you never fail to amaze me with your ability to be on live videos, do Mom biz (do you prefer "chauffeur'?), run a business, keep up with people here AND post and podcast with deep thoughts weekly. Do you ever sleep?
Going home is always bittersweet for me. I watched "Singles" the other day with a friend (1992 Seattle flick) and it was so weird to see the city the way it was when I was in my 20s. I felt so grown up at the time but I was truly winging it with no guidebook. In my teen years, my BFF and I used to hitchhike on the freeway entrance to find adventure. I'm amazed we all survived.
I'm glad you were able to spend time with Dani and center yourself. Love your reminder to be tender, be sure to apply that to your sweet self as well. Sending hugs from Chi. 🩷
Thanks for reading ❤️