Once when I was twenty-five I was walk-running down the hallway of a high-rise building in New York City at 3 AM with my dog and as much of my stuff as I could grab shoved into my bag and slung over my shoulder, my dog’s collar in my hand with his tags digging into my fingers so they wouldn’t jingle and wake up the guy I’d been dating for a year, the guy I’d left sleeping in his bed after I had sex with him and felt nothing except my own desire to not die, after I stared at the ceiling long enough to listen to his breathing even out and deepen, and then stared an hour after that to be very sure, after I slipped out of the bed and stealth-crawled to my dog, slipping his collar off with shaking hands and willing him to understand what we were about to do — he did — after I made it all the way to the front of the house before this guy woke up and called out to me and I called back, hoping it sounded like I was in the bathroom and not about to slip out the front door, after I got to the elevator bank and pressed the button twenty, thirty, forty times in a row as if it would make the elevator ascend more quickly, after I heard his front door open and my own blood rushing through my ears as he bellowed down the hall, “Ally!
I'm an old guy now. I like to think. I need to think that I never behaved like this. But I am sure that there were times when I didn't believe the first no. That I laughed with the rest of the guys at 'locker room' jokes. That I looked the other way instead of helping. This piece should be required reading in high school.
I want this post to be posted everywhere to everyone all over this country, all over the world. Why is it so hard for so many of us to freaking once-and-for-all just get over our delusions, and wake up?
Strongly agree with this comment, and it echoes what I've been thinking reading your pieces lately. Feels like you are sharpening your knife. But it's cathartic for those of us who carry the rage with you. ❤️🩹
Thank you so much, Cody. I've been working on my memoir and somehow when I go to write the essays I have the desire to keep paring them down so there's nothing extra. Or something. I'm not going to overthink it, but I thank you.
I just want someone in physical proximity to Trump—a journalist, a politician, a foreign dignitary, ANYONE WITH POSITION, PRIVILEGE, POWER, while on camera—directly address him after such behavior, to his face, as "Swine-in-Chief."
Of course it would be more mature to immediately and fiercely condemn the behavior. Instead, silence is the only retort to his verbal abuses and effervescent bald-faced lies.
And these non-stop insults are the most inconsequential of his deeds!
Screw the fear and the consequences. All this theatric pretension and selfish protecting of status/position and craven normalization and "following protocol" while a raving sociopath (at best!) and his mobster crew lay siege to the levers of power is absolute madness. We are so beyond the pale, man. The world is a stage and it's fully engulfed in flames but we just keep watching the show.
We keep refusing the truth that this monster and his sycophants aren't going to stop, no matter what's revealed, no matter what judges rule, unless they are physically removed from power. Sorry folks, procedure and decorum lies dead in the street. So many who can do something, still will not. So the destruction and theft and fraud continues unabated while we celebrate false victories.
Citizens are DYING and DISSAPEARING. The numbers increasing with speed. "But the midterms!" The disassociation is megalithic. We drown in cowardice and hypocrisy.
Sorry. I don't mean to minimize the topic at hand, or your experience, Ally. We are in so much goddamn trouble. I seethe, I rage, I morn in advance. I am starving for adults and bravery and I count you as both.
(And apologies to actual pigs. They don't deserve the burden of being a totem of degradation on behalf of humans.)
I wrote this whole long response to you and it disappeared lol. Maybe around the time I blocked the woman who was screaming at me in all caps because I wasn’t performing my feminism in the way she wanted me to, after I wrote a whole essay in response to her, and then asked her to stop shouting because I was listening. Anyhoo.
You know I agree with you. I have been heartbroken and devastated every day since this man took office for the second time. Not that I wasn’t enraged and disgusted the first time, but this time I have been appalled to see every guardrail fail. I was naive enough to think there were some Republican senators who loved the country and the Constitution and some semblance of democracy more than they love this man or fear him or think they will benefit by doing his bidding. I honestly thought there were more people who would defend our three branches of government, our checks and balances, our ability to keep fighting for a more perfect union. Obviously we had a long way to go before any of this happened. Now it’s just a five alarm shit show.
Every day there’s a new insult to my soul and to the soul of anyone who cares about decency or ethics or thinks all people should be treated with basic human dignity. Ffs.
This morning he accused 6 Democratic senators of SEDITION because they reminded the military they don’t have to follow unlawful orders. All six of them have served. He called for them to be executed. Every day I think, will this do it?
But you are correct. I don’t know that anything would do it. I think back to him saying he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and his supporters would still be with him, and I am of the mind that he is right. It’s fucking terrifying.
The 2A people are with him. So…what’s the move? I’m not sure you can or should answer that in a public forum on the internet. Just saying I hear you and I agree with you. But I’m not a violent person. So I don’t know wtf we do. I agree the whole
lot of them should be removed from office in handcuffs and I believe he’s done things that rise to the level. But without a military willing to go in…and with 77 million people still with him? 66 million? 60? How many has he lost? No idea, but not enough.
Thanks for your comments, Cabot. They’re always welcome.
Another brilliant, raw, authentic, honest and painfully moving piece, Ally. Thank you for your writing, for being you, and for speaking up. Especially when so many are not. Sharing far and wide with so much love and admiration.
Brilliant writing. I'm an old lady now, I guess, and I'm slowly waking up. Thank you for helping me realize a few things about how I lived my life - the rationalizations we make when we're young and stupid, and older and stupid too. Can I have a do-over? (I'm glad I found you.)
Oh Sharon, I’m glad you found me, too. I feel like it isn’t us who need the do-overs, it’s the system. We deserve do-overs though, in a world where we’re safe as girls and respected as women. And where we can be fully ourselves without fear. Sending you tons of love and hugs. We still have time to reclaim the narrative and live a better story. I’m not giving up.
Love you so much. Thank you for always being here, all the way back to middle school ❤️❤️ and all the way till we’re in rocking chairs. You are the best.
I feel so angry at this, and yet I know all these guys. I've been in locker rooms with these guys all my life and have, much to my now-shame, joined them in jokes and comments. All my life. Everywhere. Just "locker room talk," they say. Just "boys being boys." Just jokin around.
None of this surprises me, but it does hurt. It hurts so much. Hearts to you <3
You know this, but I have a son whom I adore like the sun in the sky.
Once when he was three we were at the playground and he tripped and fell and scraped his knee. It was bad enough that there was blood running down his leg, and of course it was also instantly covered in sand, so I couldn’t see how bad it was at first. He started crying, and I picked him up and had him in my lap and I was holding him tight and rocking him and kissing his sweaty little forehead while I cleaned his knee with water and got ready to get a bandaid out of my diaper bag. My daughter was a couple of months old at the time, and thankfully chilling in the carriage. I could tell the scrape wasn’t too bad once I cleaned it, and my son was already calming down, wiping his eyes and suddenly this dad is there, next to us. He says to my son, “C’mon now, tough guy, don’t cry. You’re fine. Shake it off.”
We looked up at him. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was trying to help. I asked him why he thought we needed help. Then he said he was trying to help by getting my son to stop crying. I asked him why he thought that was helpful. Anyway, we went on like that for a few minutes. I said it was normal to cry when you fell down and got hurt, and that my son was three. My son was watching this like a tennis match of course, by then he was smiling at me. I said if he felt so uncomfortable with the tears of a three year old boy, he should probably talk to someone. I wasn’t an asshole about it, I meant it.
He kind of snort-laughed and shook his head and put his hands up like “your funeral” but I was really amazed. Imagine being so caught up in some weird idea that boys shouldn’t cry, that you walk over to a tiny kid you don’t know while he’s in his mother’s lap and tell him to pull it together and call him “tough guy” and then act like it’s the mom who’s crazy when she basically tells you to back off.
I guess what I’m saying is the water stinks for all of us. There’s the whole
process of realizing the water stinks, and then there’s the part about figuring out who we’re going to be in light of that, and how we’re going to navigate.
I don’t think there’s a way around that until we all start talking about it openly, together. And there are men like the ones I was writing about, and men like you. And it goes without saying, they are not the same kind of men. I know I’m not saying anything you don’t know. But you’re one of the best men I know and I also know if you’d been in that press gaggle you would not have been silent. But also, you’d probably be in jail 😬 Anyway.
"I could write for days about it, but I won’t because it costs too much and people who support men like that don’t deserve my effort. People who despise men like that don’t require it." Yup. Yup. Yup.
My mother sided with the teenage boy I'd known since nursery school after he tried to rape me. "Boys will be boys," as she swept it away and left me standing alone, unprotected by a mama bear's fury (because that wasn't her, she was never a mama bear when I needed one). I was amazed that anyone would say that, especially my mother. Especially my mother.
I've always wondered what may have happened to her. But it's buried so deeply that even she doesn't know. xo
Well. Sadly you know I relate. My best guess with my own mother is that it was easier to think I was lying than it was to think about the reality of what had actually happened to me. My mother “edited out” the worst parts of every story. Her religion was making things look perfect on the outside. Anything too painful or difficult was blurred out with Chardonnay, and when that didn’t work, rage and violence. People are so fucking complicated. My mother had her own trauma, a lot of loss early. And a stubborn resistance to asking for or receiving help, or ever admitting she was wrong. Tough combination.
I’m sorry you went through that, Nan. The whole “boys will be boys” trope does such a disservice to all of us. Boys, too. It’s bullshit. Boys will be anything we teach them to be, just like girls. Just like all of us. Our parents teach us, the culture teaches us, we learn shit at school and everywhere else. Books, tv, movies. We need to tell better stories but the shittiest people have been running the show. It’s a wonder we’re all as awesome as we are, frankly. I’d argue we can thank books for that. Look at us shining in the face of all this bullshit. Thanks for being here, Nan❤️🩹❤️
Love you, Ally. Did we have the same mother? Everything you said: ditto. We are telling different stories, thank goodness. We do talk about the hard stuff, thank the goddess. I feel for my mother, but when you're a kid and the person who's responsible for keeping you out of harm's way places you there instead....I was lucky to have other adults in my life who were far more protective and tuned in. A lot of them were my teachers. I'm sorry all that school shit happened to you. Men should be ashamed of themselves every fucking day. Talk about pigs. And then I feel badly calling them that, because pigs are phenomenal! Come tell a story at our Slam on January 17. I have one slot left! The them is My Body, My Rules. Hmmm? What do you say, missy? xo
This is a hard read for an old man. I feel sure I have been insensitive in my life, but am so happy and thankful that I agree with you that it’s the men who are the pigs. When it was clear I would lose the love of my life as cancer drove her from her body, I had the insight that I hadn’t lied to her, cheated. Somehow it made the grief clear, not sure I could have lived otherwise. Thank you for this honest post.
I’m very lucky to have some really wonderful men in my life, a couple of very close friends I’ve known since childhood among them. I have a son who is excellent to me and to his little sister, to his girlfriend and all his friends who are women. All his friends, period. There are a lot of kindhearted, upstanding, loyal men out there who respect women and like them, and who would never hurt a child or take advantage. Unfortunately there are also a lot of not so wonderful men. It’s a mixed bag, but we’re all in this system together so it’s not a surprise to me. I think boys and men get all kinds of messages from society about what a man is supposed to be and most of those messages are crap. I’m very sorry for your loss, Danny. It sounds like you were an incredible husband and my heart goes out to you. Thank you for your comments, they mean a lot to me. Hugs.
Me, too. I would at least like for us to be fighting different battles, but no. It’s the same crap. Repackaged and more out in the open. But we see it clearly now, and we aren’t kids anymore so there’s that. And we have each other, so there’s that, too. I adore you. Thank you for being here as ever, and I am so grateful to call you my friend ❤️
I think seeing it is half the battle. I didn't for so long. We have been so thoroughly brainwashed that it's our fault and our lot in life. All this time, as if we were responsible for both ourselves AND male behavior. How did it not click sooner that that's insane? I'm reading a book right now about kids who are mythical monsters. There's a chimera who breathes fire and a medusa, and plenty of focus on double standards. Books like this will help young women see. I feel so lucky to have you in my life, too. xxx
I think it’s so hard when it’s systemic. It’s like seeing the air you’re breathing. That book sounds fantastic. We just need to keep painting the air all the colors and pointing at it and calling it out. And refusing to be diminished. That has to help.
Sometimes when I’m reading about the horrific shit you’ve endured at the hands of stupid selfish men and without the protection you deserved, I hope that somewhere, somehow, whoever left us here also gives you/us back the time, joy, and innocence that was so cruelly stolen. I hope this being (or whatever) finally gives us the time and space to blossom slow and happily, without fear of being hurt or broken or killed.
Like, just give us a whole fucking planet of justice, Someone. Somehow. Please. It’s all so much. Too much.
It would be very nice if in the next life we got a planet where people were always kind and you didn’t have to worry about violence and there weren’t billionaires and people were grateful and amazed and lived off the land and played in the grass and by the ocean and in the creeks and rivers and lakes, and looked up at the stars and laughed and were amazed and created their art and loved who they loved and just got to be. That would be fucking great and I hope that’s how it works. Or if those of us who are kind on this planet get to go to that planet next, and those of us who are rapey billionaire assholes get to go to a different planet where it’s really fucking hot and all there is to eat are mosquitoes. That would be okay, too. Happy Birthday, Kate. I treasure you. You’re the fucking best.
The predators of the world really depend on us to keep their secrets. When you're young, the secret keeper feels like a very special job.
Much like the recent video of the Epstein survivors, that pic of you shows that you were a BABY. Braces and all. I'm so sorry this is all too common, but you are such an advocate for women because of it. There's nothing replaceable about you. ❤️
Oh Eileen, thank you. And yes, it’s exceedingly easy to prey on children who feel lost in this world or misplaced. I remember feeling like my safety was not a thing I could take for granted in either house, it was something I had to earn. At my dad’s I earned it by being his secret-keeper and his mini-wife and therapist. At my mom’s I earned it by being her secret-keeper and by being helpful and useful. And safety didn’t mean I was safe, it meant I had a roof over my head and food to eat. So keeping secrets for predatory men was a no-brainer.
I’m so thankful that asshole got that job when he did because he was doing such a number on me. A twenty-seven-year-old man and a fourteen-year-old child. I still drew unicorns in the margins of my notebooks. Jfc. You have zero chance against men like that as a kid. Zero.
We really need to burn this shit to the ground and build something better from the ground up. Sending you all the hugs and love ❤️
It is truly insane when I think back on all the times and all the crazy things that MEN have done/said to GIRLS. It just keeps getting rebranded as just jokes, locker room talk…..and on and on and on. Except for naming what it actually is!!
Powerful piece and required reading for anyone that presents as female. Love you
When I think back to all the things that were normalized for those of us growing up in Gen X it is really insane. In that sense I think it has gotten marginally better, though I think my fear is I see even those small gains starting to slide because of the Pig-in-Chief. It trickles down. He emboldens other pigs. But I’m talking about Brooke Shields and the Calvin Klein commercials and Jordache and all the insane marketing of young girls and how we were sexualized. Absolutely fucked. Anyway, I’d never be asshole enough to say anything I wrote should be required reading for anyone 🤣 but it’s probably the boys and men who we *need* to read it. Pretty sure those of us who present as female already know, though solidarity is always good. I love you, too, friend 💕❤️💕
I was thinking from the aspect of “you are seen and you should not tolerate this shite” for the required reading.
Unfortunately we had a recent incident of an adult male “professional”acting completely inappropriately with a couple of female high schoolers. The females called him out and told a trusted adult immediately.
Yes totally appreciate that and you. And ffs. It just never ends. We had that happen last year at my daughter’s high school. We got an email from the principal about an “issue” with a teacher and his removal, and then a couple of days later his effing mugshot was in the local paper. He was basically stalking a student. I met the guy, my son was in his class the year before.
I’m so sorry, Ally, that you went through all of this and more and that you had to go through any of it ever. I am deeply grateful that you know yourself and your precious worth and that you use your voice to speak up. It’s so important for everyone’s sake. One day it won’t be like this anymore and it will be because of caring, honest, courageous, thoughtful people like you. Thank you for all you express and share and for being such a presence of love in this world. 💞❤️💞
Jennifer thank you. There are so many of us and one of the great things about getting to a certain age is you just don’t care about being nice anymore. Kind, yes. Nice? No. At least, that’s how I feel. I can see it so clearly now and I feel so much grief for my younger self but also so much compassion, and I feel that way for all of us. With a huge side of rage. And then I think about my daughter and the rage I feel that this asshole is president and these people in this administration are there with him, and people who think like this are in state governments all over the country and serving as judges and teachers and…just, no. Like, no fucking way. So I’ll just be over here trying every way I know how to call it out and shout it out and cry it out and fight against it, and thank god I’m not alone. And hopefully this sea of voices will be loud enough to break through because this just is not it. These are not the people we need in power. Anyway, I thank you. Truly. Some days I feel really hollowed out, but it doesn’t last because I know I’m not alone in how I feel. And I know because of comments like this 💕❤️🙏🏼
Thanks for sharing and being you. It will take a sea of voices, and I believe more are speaking out. This world will be better when enough people demand change. Every human deserves to feel safe in our society.
Thank you so much. I agree. I think it’s such a good thing that we are talking openly about this more and more. I wish we didn’t have to, but I do think it’s the first part of shifting this reality and creating something better. Thanks for being here ❤️
I’m right here with you - incredulous that these are the kinds of people who are in power all over the country. It’s not okay. It’s mind boggling but I am comforted by the fact that there are a lot of us who refuse to stand for it. And we stand together strongly in that. I don’t want my daughter or her kids potentially or my nieces and nephews or ANYBODY to have to grow up with such hollow, cruel, dominating, and ineffective examples of “leadership.” Or to suffer their consequences. It gives me hope to hear honest people like you making it known that the things going on are unacceptable. Thank you for using your voice and for being here in your space speaking out. I’m so grateful for you. 🩷
I'm an old guy now. I like to think. I need to think that I never behaved like this. But I am sure that there were times when I didn't believe the first no. That I laughed with the rest of the guys at 'locker room' jokes. That I looked the other way instead of helping. This piece should be required reading in high school.
Leonard, it means so much to get a response like this, truly. I really appreciate it and I thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️🩹
thank you
I want this post to be posted everywhere to everyone all over this country, all over the world. Why is it so hard for so many of us to freaking once-and-for-all just get over our delusions, and wake up?
Thank you, Ally.
Thank you so much, David. I really appreciate this and you xox
And I appreciate you. Your post is ringing in my head.
Ally, your writing gets harder and harder to read, more and more powerful and raw
Such staggeringly horrendous experiences
And so common.
It's devastating.
Thank you for all you do, all you write, all that you are.
Emma, thank you. I appreciate this so much, your comments went straight to my heart and a little to my eyes as well. Thank you for being here xx
Strongly agree with this comment, and it echoes what I've been thinking reading your pieces lately. Feels like you are sharpening your knife. But it's cathartic for those of us who carry the rage with you. ❤️🩹
Thank you so much, Cody. I've been working on my memoir and somehow when I go to write the essays I have the desire to keep paring them down so there's nothing extra. Or something. I'm not going to overthink it, but I thank you.
I just want someone in physical proximity to Trump—a journalist, a politician, a foreign dignitary, ANYONE WITH POSITION, PRIVILEGE, POWER, while on camera—directly address him after such behavior, to his face, as "Swine-in-Chief."
Of course it would be more mature to immediately and fiercely condemn the behavior. Instead, silence is the only retort to his verbal abuses and effervescent bald-faced lies.
And these non-stop insults are the most inconsequential of his deeds!
Screw the fear and the consequences. All this theatric pretension and selfish protecting of status/position and craven normalization and "following protocol" while a raving sociopath (at best!) and his mobster crew lay siege to the levers of power is absolute madness. We are so beyond the pale, man. The world is a stage and it's fully engulfed in flames but we just keep watching the show.
We keep refusing the truth that this monster and his sycophants aren't going to stop, no matter what's revealed, no matter what judges rule, unless they are physically removed from power. Sorry folks, procedure and decorum lies dead in the street. So many who can do something, still will not. So the destruction and theft and fraud continues unabated while we celebrate false victories.
Citizens are DYING and DISSAPEARING. The numbers increasing with speed. "But the midterms!" The disassociation is megalithic. We drown in cowardice and hypocrisy.
Sorry. I don't mean to minimize the topic at hand, or your experience, Ally. We are in so much goddamn trouble. I seethe, I rage, I morn in advance. I am starving for adults and bravery and I count you as both.
(And apologies to actual pigs. They don't deserve the burden of being a totem of degradation on behalf of humans.)
I wrote this whole long response to you and it disappeared lol. Maybe around the time I blocked the woman who was screaming at me in all caps because I wasn’t performing my feminism in the way she wanted me to, after I wrote a whole essay in response to her, and then asked her to stop shouting because I was listening. Anyhoo.
You know I agree with you. I have been heartbroken and devastated every day since this man took office for the second time. Not that I wasn’t enraged and disgusted the first time, but this time I have been appalled to see every guardrail fail. I was naive enough to think there were some Republican senators who loved the country and the Constitution and some semblance of democracy more than they love this man or fear him or think they will benefit by doing his bidding. I honestly thought there were more people who would defend our three branches of government, our checks and balances, our ability to keep fighting for a more perfect union. Obviously we had a long way to go before any of this happened. Now it’s just a five alarm shit show.
Every day there’s a new insult to my soul and to the soul of anyone who cares about decency or ethics or thinks all people should be treated with basic human dignity. Ffs.
This morning he accused 6 Democratic senators of SEDITION because they reminded the military they don’t have to follow unlawful orders. All six of them have served. He called for them to be executed. Every day I think, will this do it?
But you are correct. I don’t know that anything would do it. I think back to him saying he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and his supporters would still be with him, and I am of the mind that he is right. It’s fucking terrifying.
The 2A people are with him. So…what’s the move? I’m not sure you can or should answer that in a public forum on the internet. Just saying I hear you and I agree with you. But I’m not a violent person. So I don’t know wtf we do. I agree the whole
lot of them should be removed from office in handcuffs and I believe he’s done things that rise to the level. But without a military willing to go in…and with 77 million people still with him? 66 million? 60? How many has he lost? No idea, but not enough.
Thanks for your comments, Cabot. They’re always welcome.
Another brilliant, raw, authentic, honest and painfully moving piece, Ally. Thank you for your writing, for being you, and for speaking up. Especially when so many are not. Sharing far and wide with so much love and admiration.
Brilliant writing. I'm an old lady now, I guess, and I'm slowly waking up. Thank you for helping me realize a few things about how I lived my life - the rationalizations we make when we're young and stupid, and older and stupid too. Can I have a do-over? (I'm glad I found you.)
Oh Sharon, I’m glad you found me, too. I feel like it isn’t us who need the do-overs, it’s the system. We deserve do-overs though, in a world where we’re safe as girls and respected as women. And where we can be fully ourselves without fear. Sending you tons of love and hugs. We still have time to reclaim the narrative and live a better story. I’m not giving up.
Love you so much. Thank you for always being here, all the way back to middle school ❤️❤️ and all the way till we’re in rocking chairs. You are the best.
I feel so angry at this, and yet I know all these guys. I've been in locker rooms with these guys all my life and have, much to my now-shame, joined them in jokes and comments. All my life. Everywhere. Just "locker room talk," they say. Just "boys being boys." Just jokin around.
None of this surprises me, but it does hurt. It hurts so much. Hearts to you <3
You know this, but I have a son whom I adore like the sun in the sky.
Once when he was three we were at the playground and he tripped and fell and scraped his knee. It was bad enough that there was blood running down his leg, and of course it was also instantly covered in sand, so I couldn’t see how bad it was at first. He started crying, and I picked him up and had him in my lap and I was holding him tight and rocking him and kissing his sweaty little forehead while I cleaned his knee with water and got ready to get a bandaid out of my diaper bag. My daughter was a couple of months old at the time, and thankfully chilling in the carriage. I could tell the scrape wasn’t too bad once I cleaned it, and my son was already calming down, wiping his eyes and suddenly this dad is there, next to us. He says to my son, “C’mon now, tough guy, don’t cry. You’re fine. Shake it off.”
We looked up at him. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was trying to help. I asked him why he thought we needed help. Then he said he was trying to help by getting my son to stop crying. I asked him why he thought that was helpful. Anyway, we went on like that for a few minutes. I said it was normal to cry when you fell down and got hurt, and that my son was three. My son was watching this like a tennis match of course, by then he was smiling at me. I said if he felt so uncomfortable with the tears of a three year old boy, he should probably talk to someone. I wasn’t an asshole about it, I meant it.
He kind of snort-laughed and shook his head and put his hands up like “your funeral” but I was really amazed. Imagine being so caught up in some weird idea that boys shouldn’t cry, that you walk over to a tiny kid you don’t know while he’s in his mother’s lap and tell him to pull it together and call him “tough guy” and then act like it’s the mom who’s crazy when she basically tells you to back off.
I guess what I’m saying is the water stinks for all of us. There’s the whole
process of realizing the water stinks, and then there’s the part about figuring out who we’re going to be in light of that, and how we’re going to navigate.
I don’t think there’s a way around that until we all start talking about it openly, together. And there are men like the ones I was writing about, and men like you. And it goes without saying, they are not the same kind of men. I know I’m not saying anything you don’t know. But you’re one of the best men I know and I also know if you’d been in that press gaggle you would not have been silent. But also, you’d probably be in jail 😬 Anyway.
I try my best to avoid jail 💙
Have you ever read Bel Kaufman’s short story “Sunday in the Park”? Your story reminded me of it.
No! But you know I will be reading it now!
"I could write for days about it, but I won’t because it costs too much and people who support men like that don’t deserve my effort. People who despise men like that don’t require it." Yup. Yup. Yup.
My mother sided with the teenage boy I'd known since nursery school after he tried to rape me. "Boys will be boys," as she swept it away and left me standing alone, unprotected by a mama bear's fury (because that wasn't her, she was never a mama bear when I needed one). I was amazed that anyone would say that, especially my mother. Especially my mother.
I've always wondered what may have happened to her. But it's buried so deeply that even she doesn't know. xo
Well. Sadly you know I relate. My best guess with my own mother is that it was easier to think I was lying than it was to think about the reality of what had actually happened to me. My mother “edited out” the worst parts of every story. Her religion was making things look perfect on the outside. Anything too painful or difficult was blurred out with Chardonnay, and when that didn’t work, rage and violence. People are so fucking complicated. My mother had her own trauma, a lot of loss early. And a stubborn resistance to asking for or receiving help, or ever admitting she was wrong. Tough combination.
I’m sorry you went through that, Nan. The whole “boys will be boys” trope does such a disservice to all of us. Boys, too. It’s bullshit. Boys will be anything we teach them to be, just like girls. Just like all of us. Our parents teach us, the culture teaches us, we learn shit at school and everywhere else. Books, tv, movies. We need to tell better stories but the shittiest people have been running the show. It’s a wonder we’re all as awesome as we are, frankly. I’d argue we can thank books for that. Look at us shining in the face of all this bullshit. Thanks for being here, Nan❤️🩹❤️
Love you, Ally. Did we have the same mother? Everything you said: ditto. We are telling different stories, thank goodness. We do talk about the hard stuff, thank the goddess. I feel for my mother, but when you're a kid and the person who's responsible for keeping you out of harm's way places you there instead....I was lucky to have other adults in my life who were far more protective and tuned in. A lot of them were my teachers. I'm sorry all that school shit happened to you. Men should be ashamed of themselves every fucking day. Talk about pigs. And then I feel badly calling them that, because pigs are phenomenal! Come tell a story at our Slam on January 17. I have one slot left! The them is My Body, My Rules. Hmmm? What do you say, missy? xo
This is a hard read for an old man. I feel sure I have been insensitive in my life, but am so happy and thankful that I agree with you that it’s the men who are the pigs. When it was clear I would lose the love of my life as cancer drove her from her body, I had the insight that I hadn’t lied to her, cheated. Somehow it made the grief clear, not sure I could have lived otherwise. Thank you for this honest post.
I’m very lucky to have some really wonderful men in my life, a couple of very close friends I’ve known since childhood among them. I have a son who is excellent to me and to his little sister, to his girlfriend and all his friends who are women. All his friends, period. There are a lot of kindhearted, upstanding, loyal men out there who respect women and like them, and who would never hurt a child or take advantage. Unfortunately there are also a lot of not so wonderful men. It’s a mixed bag, but we’re all in this system together so it’s not a surprise to me. I think boys and men get all kinds of messages from society about what a man is supposed to be and most of those messages are crap. I’m very sorry for your loss, Danny. It sounds like you were an incredible husband and my heart goes out to you. Thank you for your comments, they mean a lot to me. Hugs.
This rings so loudly and with such beautifully expressed truth.
Thank you so much, Sarah.
Jesus, buddy. My heart was in my throat the whole time. Fuck. I'm so sorry. It's so fucked. I'm so fucking tired of it.
Me, too. I would at least like for us to be fighting different battles, but no. It’s the same crap. Repackaged and more out in the open. But we see it clearly now, and we aren’t kids anymore so there’s that. And we have each other, so there’s that, too. I adore you. Thank you for being here as ever, and I am so grateful to call you my friend ❤️
I think seeing it is half the battle. I didn't for so long. We have been so thoroughly brainwashed that it's our fault and our lot in life. All this time, as if we were responsible for both ourselves AND male behavior. How did it not click sooner that that's insane? I'm reading a book right now about kids who are mythical monsters. There's a chimera who breathes fire and a medusa, and plenty of focus on double standards. Books like this will help young women see. I feel so lucky to have you in my life, too. xxx
I think it’s so hard when it’s systemic. It’s like seeing the air you’re breathing. That book sounds fantastic. We just need to keep painting the air all the colors and pointing at it and calling it out. And refusing to be diminished. That has to help.
It is, for exactly that reason. More women know now than before. It has changed. It will continue to.
"Tired of it." Yes. Exactly.
It’s so exhausting, isn’t it. This was so beautifully, quietly written. You are here making a difference.
It is exhausting, but your comments made me cry (in a good way). Thank you, Ros.
Such a brilliant piece, Ally. What you’ve been through. What we all have. Thank you for writing it.
Sometimes when I’m reading about the horrific shit you’ve endured at the hands of stupid selfish men and without the protection you deserved, I hope that somewhere, somehow, whoever left us here also gives you/us back the time, joy, and innocence that was so cruelly stolen. I hope this being (or whatever) finally gives us the time and space to blossom slow and happily, without fear of being hurt or broken or killed.
Like, just give us a whole fucking planet of justice, Someone. Somehow. Please. It’s all so much. Too much.
It would be very nice if in the next life we got a planet where people were always kind and you didn’t have to worry about violence and there weren’t billionaires and people were grateful and amazed and lived off the land and played in the grass and by the ocean and in the creeks and rivers and lakes, and looked up at the stars and laughed and were amazed and created their art and loved who they loved and just got to be. That would be fucking great and I hope that’s how it works. Or if those of us who are kind on this planet get to go to that planet next, and those of us who are rapey billionaire assholes get to go to a different planet where it’s really fucking hot and all there is to eat are mosquitoes. That would be okay, too. Happy Birthday, Kate. I treasure you. You’re the fucking best.
Ally & Kate - thank you both for your brilliant, honest and challenging writing. We are here in sisterhood.
Also: that planet might be the one across the proverbial Rainbow 🌈 Bridge. 🐾❤️
It would have to be, wouldn’t it? 🌈🐾❤️Or maybe that’s the planet where all our goodest boys are waiting for us🥹 Thank you, Kate.
The predators of the world really depend on us to keep their secrets. When you're young, the secret keeper feels like a very special job.
Much like the recent video of the Epstein survivors, that pic of you shows that you were a BABY. Braces and all. I'm so sorry this is all too common, but you are such an advocate for women because of it. There's nothing replaceable about you. ❤️
Oh Eileen, thank you. And yes, it’s exceedingly easy to prey on children who feel lost in this world or misplaced. I remember feeling like my safety was not a thing I could take for granted in either house, it was something I had to earn. At my dad’s I earned it by being his secret-keeper and his mini-wife and therapist. At my mom’s I earned it by being her secret-keeper and by being helpful and useful. And safety didn’t mean I was safe, it meant I had a roof over my head and food to eat. So keeping secrets for predatory men was a no-brainer.
I’m so thankful that asshole got that job when he did because he was doing such a number on me. A twenty-seven-year-old man and a fourteen-year-old child. I still drew unicorns in the margins of my notebooks. Jfc. You have zero chance against men like that as a kid. Zero.
We really need to burn this shit to the ground and build something better from the ground up. Sending you all the hugs and love ❤️
It is truly insane when I think back on all the times and all the crazy things that MEN have done/said to GIRLS. It just keeps getting rebranded as just jokes, locker room talk…..and on and on and on. Except for naming what it actually is!!
Powerful piece and required reading for anyone that presents as female. Love you
When I think back to all the things that were normalized for those of us growing up in Gen X it is really insane. In that sense I think it has gotten marginally better, though I think my fear is I see even those small gains starting to slide because of the Pig-in-Chief. It trickles down. He emboldens other pigs. But I’m talking about Brooke Shields and the Calvin Klein commercials and Jordache and all the insane marketing of young girls and how we were sexualized. Absolutely fucked. Anyway, I’d never be asshole enough to say anything I wrote should be required reading for anyone 🤣 but it’s probably the boys and men who we *need* to read it. Pretty sure those of us who present as female already know, though solidarity is always good. I love you, too, friend 💕❤️💕
I was thinking from the aspect of “you are seen and you should not tolerate this shite” for the required reading.
Unfortunately we had a recent incident of an adult male “professional”acting completely inappropriately with a couple of female high schoolers. The females called him out and told a trusted adult immediately.
Yes totally appreciate that and you. And ffs. It just never ends. We had that happen last year at my daughter’s high school. We got an email from the principal about an “issue” with a teacher and his removal, and then a couple of days later his effing mugshot was in the local paper. He was basically stalking a student. I met the guy, my son was in his class the year before.
Ffs indeed. So gross and terrifying
I’m so sorry, Ally, that you went through all of this and more and that you had to go through any of it ever. I am deeply grateful that you know yourself and your precious worth and that you use your voice to speak up. It’s so important for everyone’s sake. One day it won’t be like this anymore and it will be because of caring, honest, courageous, thoughtful people like you. Thank you for all you express and share and for being such a presence of love in this world. 💞❤️💞
Jennifer thank you. There are so many of us and one of the great things about getting to a certain age is you just don’t care about being nice anymore. Kind, yes. Nice? No. At least, that’s how I feel. I can see it so clearly now and I feel so much grief for my younger self but also so much compassion, and I feel that way for all of us. With a huge side of rage. And then I think about my daughter and the rage I feel that this asshole is president and these people in this administration are there with him, and people who think like this are in state governments all over the country and serving as judges and teachers and…just, no. Like, no fucking way. So I’ll just be over here trying every way I know how to call it out and shout it out and cry it out and fight against it, and thank god I’m not alone. And hopefully this sea of voices will be loud enough to break through because this just is not it. These are not the people we need in power. Anyway, I thank you. Truly. Some days I feel really hollowed out, but it doesn’t last because I know I’m not alone in how I feel. And I know because of comments like this 💕❤️🙏🏼
Thanks for sharing and being you. It will take a sea of voices, and I believe more are speaking out. This world will be better when enough people demand change. Every human deserves to feel safe in our society.
Thank you so much. I agree. I think it’s such a good thing that we are talking openly about this more and more. I wish we didn’t have to, but I do think it’s the first part of shifting this reality and creating something better. Thanks for being here ❤️
I’m right here with you - incredulous that these are the kinds of people who are in power all over the country. It’s not okay. It’s mind boggling but I am comforted by the fact that there are a lot of us who refuse to stand for it. And we stand together strongly in that. I don’t want my daughter or her kids potentially or my nieces and nephews or ANYBODY to have to grow up with such hollow, cruel, dominating, and ineffective examples of “leadership.” Or to suffer their consequences. It gives me hope to hear honest people like you making it known that the things going on are unacceptable. Thank you for using your voice and for being here in your space speaking out. I’m so grateful for you. 🩷
🥹🥹I’m sorry grateful for you, too, Jennifer.
Thank you for writing this.
Thanks for being here, Paul ❤️