There will be no turning point until the ‘good ones’ start speaking up and leveling up. This isn’t a woman problem. It’s a man problem. Theirs to fucking fix. Meanwhile I’m ready for our collective rage to out blaze the sun. Incinerate it all.
I am watching an old “The Practice” episode about a teen boy who wrote sexualized notes about a girl and they were confiscated. The lawyer is defending the boy’s right “to be a boy.” THAT’s the problem in a nutshell…males “have the right,” to sexualize females whenever they want no matter their age. That’s when it began with me at age four. When I complained I was told “boys will be boys,” “this means they like you,” “this means you are pretty,” “be glad that they think you are pretty,” and so on. My culture, my mother, my teachers, were teaching me to be “liked” by males was to accept abuse by males. When I was 5 and the boys were pulling my underwear down during recess, yes girls could only wear dresses, no one did anything. I started wearing shorts under my dress and when a boy tried to pull down my underwear he told on me. I was sent to the Principle’s office and punished and was told to NEVER wear shorts under my dress again. (That was just the start of my abuse.) As an adult, a single mother, when my daughter was a teen she had boys, and girls, over while I was working, against my rules. I only found out the next morning when a neighbor I never met rang the doorbell. She told me that a boy flashed is penis at her y year old daughter from my living room window. I WAS HORRIFIED and told her I would handle it. I stopped cooking breakfast. Told the girls to pack (my daughter’s girlfriends spent the night) and asked them what happened. Luckily I have a frightening presence and they confessed and told me “Jeremy did it.” I made them give me his number. I drove them. home. I called Jeremy’s mom and left a voice mail. I called the police. The Police came and talked to my daughter, actually scared her which was what I wanted. I made my daughter go apologize to the neighbor because she broke my rule of not having boys in the house. I turned my phone off for a few hours. When I turned it on there was a VM from Jeremy’s mother screaming at me. Then a second VM from Jeremy’s mother apologizing because Jeremy had confessed he did it. Months later I got a VM from Jeremy apologizing to me for what he had done. I hope he changed his ways. My point is, we can’t let “boys be boys.”
That whole, “he’s pulling your hair/snapping your bra strap/not being nice to you…because he LIKES you” is one of the most toxic narratives we teach both girls and boys. Literally telling little boys it’s okay to hurt girls, that’s an acceptable way to show you like them! And teaching girls to accept pain as an expression of affection. There are so many other messages along the way. Boys and men were centered in every beauty magazine growing up. “How to catch his eye”, “Looks he can’t resist”, “When to play hard to get”….why is HE being centered in a magazine being marketed for girls and later women??? Boys magazines sure as fuck were not about girls! They were about trucks and blowing things up and building muscles and superheroes. But I don’t ever recall seeing articles about “How to catch her eye” or “How to make her like you.”
I could go on for days and I bet we all could. Maybe I will riff off that for the next essay. Thanks so much for being here, Arlene. Hugs and love to you❤️🩹❤️🩹
Funny, that's kind of what the manosphere is "teaching" boys now—how to catch a girl's eye and make her like them. Answer: bigger muscles, faster cars, more money, plus sprinkle male supremacy onto everything they do, because girls "like" guys who "take control." Maybe we wouldn't be in quite such a fantastically sickening mess if the boys magazines had anything to say about interpersonal relationships. That stuff probably would have been toxic, too, but maybe (slightly) less so than what the manosphere has to say on the subject?
Yes, it's one of the reasons I was thinking a 18-20-year-old woman should be talking to pre-teen boys. Not in a creepy way, in a big sister way. In a, "I am cool, and pretty much an expert on what girls like, and I'll let you in on it" way — because we all know it isn't fast cars and being told what to do, and it isn't having their bra straps snapped.
But yeah, the magazines and every other damn thing needs to change, cuz god know what we're doing "out there" isn't working.
I totally forgot what you wrote about the cool young woman teaching boys about girls when I had my thought above 🙄 Yes, that's a great idea! How to execute that idea is the tricky part. Getting the boys/young men to actually listen to what a woman has to say. Sometimes I think what we need to do is to start writing under male pseudonyms...
Women have to learn to deflect unwanted attention over and over. First you politely say "no," next you defuse with humor, then you excuse yourself momentarily, then, if you still feel you need stick around, and the predator returns... It is 911 time. Unfortunately, the writer recounted her horrible experience that could have been far worse had she not called for help. Dating these days is a calculated risk: Always have a preplanned exit strategy. Finally, living alone without a partner does not mean you are lonely or unfulfilled. My ❤️ & 🙏 to the estimated 80% + women who have had experiences with thwarting the attack of a sexual predator.
You navigate righteous anger with such depth and humor; really a gift to us all. Thank you for your work of bringing us into your world to help us see our world more clearly. You are doing good. Much respect.
Thanks so much, Robert. I have to cut the despair and rage with something or I might really combust. Which doesn’t sound fun! Thanks for being here, I appreciate you.
The bar story was hard to read. I have a sister with a similar story and it did not end as well. She still struggles with the trauma decades later, but she dumped her cheater husband and is raising two bright sons to be men with integrity.
When I saw the Angry Taint was #1 on Substack's leaderboard, I was like: Yup. That tracks. Fucking Silicon Valley.
I’m so sorry about your sister, Cabot. I think the bar story ended the way it did because another, earlier story did not. I realized almost immediately what had happened. I will say that I was extra enraged when I thought about what could have happened the next day, because it was the first time I was in that kind of situation after I’d had my kids. The idea that some bastard would slip something in my drink — and god only knows what the plan was — and do that to a woman with small children? These guys just don’t care. Women are nothing.
And yeah. Tate. He’s off my leaderboard so I guess they made that tiny adjustment for people who blocked him. Wow, thanks guys 🙄
But what if it is the solution for the problem? In all spaces and all places we all block them and prevent access to the systems that support us? Not just online but in real life.
i was roofied when I was in my last year of college. I went out for drinks with people I didn't know that well. I had one vodka soda and felt like I'd had five. Thankfully, I figured out something was wrong and got in a cab and called a friend, who stayed on the phone with me until I got back in my apartment. I barely got the key in the door before everything goes black. Same deal as you - puked all night, felt like I'd been hit in the head with a 2 x 4. And I was lucky.
I read that CNN article and my stomach turned to ice. This whole thing is so fucked, and it's not like we didn't know that men could cause us tremendous harm, but now they have all sorts of new and exciting ways to do so. Sometimes I feel like the internet was a bad idea.
I’m sorry that happened to you, Kari, and so glad you got out of there. I think the part that’s hard to believe and sometimes infuriatingly hard to get across is that to some men, no matter who we are or how precious we may be to some people or how much we’ve accomplished or overcome — to some men, we are just sport. Like they’re on safari and if we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, we can become the target.
I guess I thought most men like that kept target practice outside the house, though. I didn’t expect the level of disregard could sink lower.
Yes, exactly. It does feel like being hunted for sport. If anything, we underreacted. I knew things were bad. But this is...something worse than bad. This is broken.
After reading this, I had the same thought that you ended with.... the internet has enabled and exacerbated so much hateful, toxic and cruel behavior. The idea that 62 million men visited that site sickens me.
So let me repeat an old saying to all the men in the room...if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. Do better!
Beautifully done, Ally. Simply stunning. Thank you for naming it so eloquently.
I’m 67. I think back on the harassment I endured during the years I sold advertising in Las Vegas: The vice president of advertising at the top locals casino told that he wanted to throw me on a couch in the lobby and fuck me. He also used to hug me and grab my ass. It was the largest account I had at the time. Do you think I told anyone? This is just one example over my life (it never stops—the 35-year-old store manager of the big box store where I work part time made an inappropriate comment yesterday on the floor; he laughed it off when I didn’t respond the way he thought I would). We have all been there, in most of the ways that you enumerate.
It is never ending, or so it seems. The maneuvering is exhausting, and so is the constant vigilance. The times you need a job and have to deal with a jerk so you can eat or feed your kids. And now I have a teenage daughter. The worry I feel, Paula, and the rage because how do you not worry? I think we need the good men to genuinely understand how tired we are and help. It’s too much. Thanks for being here, I really appreciate you ❤️🩹❤️
Ally, This came straight from your heart. Anyone who reads it will hear the call to action. All of us, even, or especially "the good ones" can do better.
Good column, and you are dead right about Katie Porter. It's shocking how female solidarity seems to have fallen off the map. She's brilliant when goes after the overlord with her whiteboard. Challenges corruption. Can' get funded like the men do. All that goes together.
It’s wild. I’m seeing so many comments under her videos, even today. Men and women alike, telling her to drop out. Last week Xavier Becerra was polling at 3-4% and now with Swalwell, he’s jumped to 10%, tied with Katie Porter. Suddenly people love him. No shade I guess, but what changed? They just don’t want a woman. Don’t believe a woman can win. Comments are things like “there’s too much at stake, drop out!” Why? Throw your support behind her if so much is at stake. She and Becerra are now tied. Steyer has 14%. There’s a debate Wednesday. Can you imagine being yelled at to drop out now? She has more experience fighting this administration. More experience going head to head with Big Oil and Big Pharma. 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t know where we go from here, it’s gut wrenching and my whole body feels unsafe. We as women now have to proceed as if it is every man. 62 million men in one month- the math on that only means one thing- it’s every where.
The only place I can think to go is to loudly and plainly ask the good men out there to help. Hopefully they will. And before someone else says this, it was 62 million views to that one site in February, not men. So it could have been 31 million men visiting the site twice a day. For example. It’s horrendous math no matter how you do it, just wanted you to know that part. It gives me no comfort. That’s only one site. There are others. Hugs, love, solidarity. Thank you for being here ❤️🩹
... and, being from the opposite coast from California and not being dialed in: yeah, when TF did we collectively decide to be not about Katie Porter?? Last time I paid attention she was a minor darling (at least) of the left, and now she's suddenly Not It?? WTF are we doing. Please elect Katie, California. Please elect women, America.
Honestly I don’t know. It’s pretty messed up. I watched Nuestra Voz the other night, they had all the candidates on. The ACLU sponsored the event I think. I’m pretty sure only Tom Steyer, Katie Porter and Xavier Becerra have a real shot. I guess they’re talking about Matt Mahan too, now. Becerra and Mahan made it into the debate next week now that Swalwell dropped out. But it’s almost as though people are looking over her or through her. It’s a little bit infuriating given the current state of affairs. I swear it really is this deep-rooted misogyny because those “scandalous” videos are not all that. Please. Maybe she’ll bring her whiteboard next week and show these guys what’s up 😂
JFC. Something about your story combined with all the recent events makes me wonder how the "not all men" somehow evaded becoming sociopaths.
Sadly I feel like a majority of women think it's their fault if they wake up someplace weird thinking something weird may have happened, mostly because we are gaslit to take responsibility for everything. I know I've been roofied twice: once at work at an all inclusive hotel in the Dominican Republic where I felt buzzed and bored with the scene, opted to go back to my room amidst everyone getting schmammered and acting stupid. Thank God a pilot who had also had it with the chaos walked me back to my room and ensured I got in and locked the door. I woke 14 hours later with all my clothes in a wet pile on the floor (I'm sure I was trying to rinse out a bathing suit, that had been the plan) and the worst headache of my life. Incident 2 was at a gay bar in Seattle that employed a bartender who spiked women's drinks because he hated them so much...we confirmed we had been served by the guy after comparing stories with other victims. Again, thank God for an Uber driver who woke us up when we got to our destination and expressed concern instead of doing God knows what to his comatose and vulnerable passengers. My friend vomited for two days after.
I bring up these two stories because I consider myself LUCKY. Please, "not all men," get involved. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
It is so scary how easy it is to spike someone’s drink. Easier now even than it used to be. I was reading up on it this week as I was writing and it’s infuriating. Especially given that women’s partners are doing this to them. One women’s husband was making her a cup of tea before bed every night. The rage, Eileen. I wonder if the good men are quiet sometimes because our rage is terrifying. The thing is, I am not confused about where to direct it. I just want some help. I don’t want it to be just the women raging because then it feels like they don’t really care. Anyway. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sending you hugs and love. I’m grateful you’re in the world, messed up as it may be these days ❤️🩹❤️🩹
Yes, I don’t want to have to wonder at this point. I just can’t do it. 62 million views in a month? Mostly from the US? Smh. Thanks for being here, Mary ❤️🩹❤️
Holy shit. I read every word of this piece. I didn’t skim or go to the end just to get it over with. Let me just say - you said a mother fucking mouthful and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Katie Porter rocks BTW.
Ha. I love this comment so much. Thank you for making my night, Aline. Truly. And thanks for being here ❤️🩹 And Katie Porter all the way, we’d be so lucky to have her!
Sitting watching all of this shit going on. Women ( myself included )
fought for YEARS to have laws that shouldn't have been a problem in the first place.
Then to have men like Alito
"decide" that, "The right for women to...( fill in the blanks) ... is NOT IN THE CONSTITUTION, therefore, even though girls/ women are going to SUFFER, the law "allowing" them to decide whether they have children or not, is NO LONGER A LAW.
In fact, girls (some as young as 13 years old) and women are " breaking the law," when they decide they need to stop the pregnancy. Jail time, prison time.
They have "killed" a potential human.
66,615 PREGNANT RAPE VICTIMS DID NOT HAVE ACCESS TO GYN DOCTORS IN 2024 ( JOURNAL OF AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION).
NO PROBLEM.
Unlike POTUS, who orders people killed in boats, starts a war where THOUSANDS are killed, for no good reason, and is allowed to CONTINUE KILLING PEOPLE, and SOON will be KILLING U.S. SOLDIERS ( PROBABLY THOUSANDS, IF NOT MILLIONS)
NO PROBLEM.
AMERICA has been THROUGH THIS TONS OF TIMES. NEVER SANCTIONED BY CONGRESS, ALLOWED TO CONTINUE TO KILL PEOPLE, MAYBE EVEN NUKE COUNTRIES, WHERE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE BECOME VICTIMS.
TAKE AWAY NUKE CODES, OF COURSE NOT. HE'S A MAN, HOW COULD ANYTHING GO WRONG. AND THEN THERE ARE MEN WHO COULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, BUT THEY COVER FOR HIM INSTEAD.
SO IT COULD BE THAT IRAN IS GOING TO BOMB US, AND WE ARE WHOLESALE GOING TO DIE, JUST LIKE SOLDIERS AT U.S. MILITARY BASES, AND OTHER COUNTRIES, BECAUSE ONE MAN IS "ALL POWERFUL" AND THE SYSTEN WANTS TO KEEP HIM THAT WAY.
SO, WE MUST LOSE OUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS BECAUSE CONGRESS WILL NOT STOP BOMBING A COUNTRY THAT WAS NOT OUR ENEMY.
SO, HERE WE ARE...THE LIVES OF WOMEN AND MEN ARE STILL EXPENDABLE, BECAUSE MEN PREFER IT THAT WAY.
THANKS FOR YOUR ARTICLE.
I SEE THAT BOYS, MEN CONTINUE NOT TO EVOLVE AND being nearly 80, NOW I WILL NOT LIVE TO SEE THAT CHANGE.
DAMN DISCOURAGING.
REALLY HOPING I GET TO SEE AMERICA PUT BACK TOGETHER.
Well, you are preaching to the choir over here and it is, in fact, damn discouraging.
These men making laws about what girls and women can and cannot do with their bodies, deciding our rights to bodily autonomy can change whenever we cross state lines, denying access to affordable healthcare, childcare, PTO, SNAP benefits, refusing to ratify the ERA or address the gender pay gap, now ignoring the separation of church and state and bringing these men ever closer to the halls where decisions are made — ones who believe women should not even get to vote because of their “toxic empathy.”
I’ll tell you what. Our empathy is the only thing strong enough to turn this ship around, and these “not all men” men better get busy helping us now.
Thank you so much for being here NK. Try not to give up the faith. I think there are a lot of women harnessing the fury of a million suns right now. Maybe we can do it yet.
Thank you for writing this. Your story from the bar brought back visceral memories for me. Personally, hearing your story is a powerful reminder that we women haven’t experienced an aberration. It’s a system, a cycle, endemic. But really I just wanted to say thank you for the incredible image you concluded with: “It means we make a circle, and men and women (and I am including everyone when I say men and women) are in the circle, no one is on top. The most vulnerable people are in the middle of the circle, being lifted up.”
Thank you for being here, Melissa. It really is a whole system, but it would be so much better if we’d just make that circle. Sending you a lot of love ❤️🩹
I just read the final lines of Saidiya Hartman’s unmatchable work, Wayward Lives, Beautiful Experiments, and they recalled to me your image of the circle. Offering them here to you:
“Inside the circle it is clear that every song is really the same song, but crooned in infinite variety, every story altered and unchanging: How can I live? I want to be free. Hold on.”
Thank you so much, Ellen. And Katie Porter. It’s misogyny in real time. I am having conversations under her posts with women in CA who are saying things like, “I’d love to see a woman govern CA, Katie, but the stakes are too high right now, please drop out!”and trying to gently encourage them to question what in the fucking fuck they’re doing. She’s now tied with Becerra. He was polling 3-4% last week, now he’s at 10%. Why? There’s a debate Wednesday. It’s still a super competitive race. Why would she ever drop out now? It’s so horrifying to see women and men doing this. But the women are breaking my heart. So I am trying, crazy as it is lol. Thanks so much for your support, and for being here. I really appreciate you ❤️🩹🙏🏼
It’s because the stakes are so high she should be elected! I had conversations at doors of strangers in 2018 when I was all in for Senator Warren, where they’d ask But is she electable? If you vote for her, she’d BE elected! Damnit. Thank you so much!!!
There will be no turning point until the ‘good ones’ start speaking up and leveling up. This isn’t a woman problem. It’s a man problem. Theirs to fucking fix. Meanwhile I’m ready for our collective rage to out blaze the sun. Incinerate it all.
Thanks for this. You’re brilliant. 🫶🏻
I’m ready for that, too. Whatever this is? We really need to be done with it. So grateful you’re a text away. Hugs and love ❤️
Agreed, we have “a man problem,” with many women enabling them.
I am watching an old “The Practice” episode about a teen boy who wrote sexualized notes about a girl and they were confiscated. The lawyer is defending the boy’s right “to be a boy.” THAT’s the problem in a nutshell…males “have the right,” to sexualize females whenever they want no matter their age. That’s when it began with me at age four. When I complained I was told “boys will be boys,” “this means they like you,” “this means you are pretty,” “be glad that they think you are pretty,” and so on. My culture, my mother, my teachers, were teaching me to be “liked” by males was to accept abuse by males. When I was 5 and the boys were pulling my underwear down during recess, yes girls could only wear dresses, no one did anything. I started wearing shorts under my dress and when a boy tried to pull down my underwear he told on me. I was sent to the Principle’s office and punished and was told to NEVER wear shorts under my dress again. (That was just the start of my abuse.) As an adult, a single mother, when my daughter was a teen she had boys, and girls, over while I was working, against my rules. I only found out the next morning when a neighbor I never met rang the doorbell. She told me that a boy flashed is penis at her y year old daughter from my living room window. I WAS HORRIFIED and told her I would handle it. I stopped cooking breakfast. Told the girls to pack (my daughter’s girlfriends spent the night) and asked them what happened. Luckily I have a frightening presence and they confessed and told me “Jeremy did it.” I made them give me his number. I drove them. home. I called Jeremy’s mom and left a voice mail. I called the police. The Police came and talked to my daughter, actually scared her which was what I wanted. I made my daughter go apologize to the neighbor because she broke my rule of not having boys in the house. I turned my phone off for a few hours. When I turned it on there was a VM from Jeremy’s mother screaming at me. Then a second VM from Jeremy’s mother apologizing because Jeremy had confessed he did it. Months later I got a VM from Jeremy apologizing to me for what he had done. I hope he changed his ways. My point is, we can’t let “boys be boys.”
That whole, “he’s pulling your hair/snapping your bra strap/not being nice to you…because he LIKES you” is one of the most toxic narratives we teach both girls and boys. Literally telling little boys it’s okay to hurt girls, that’s an acceptable way to show you like them! And teaching girls to accept pain as an expression of affection. There are so many other messages along the way. Boys and men were centered in every beauty magazine growing up. “How to catch his eye”, “Looks he can’t resist”, “When to play hard to get”….why is HE being centered in a magazine being marketed for girls and later women??? Boys magazines sure as fuck were not about girls! They were about trucks and blowing things up and building muscles and superheroes. But I don’t ever recall seeing articles about “How to catch her eye” or “How to make her like you.”
I could go on for days and I bet we all could. Maybe I will riff off that for the next essay. Thanks so much for being here, Arlene. Hugs and love to you❤️🩹❤️🩹
Funny, that's kind of what the manosphere is "teaching" boys now—how to catch a girl's eye and make her like them. Answer: bigger muscles, faster cars, more money, plus sprinkle male supremacy onto everything they do, because girls "like" guys who "take control." Maybe we wouldn't be in quite such a fantastically sickening mess if the boys magazines had anything to say about interpersonal relationships. That stuff probably would have been toxic, too, but maybe (slightly) less so than what the manosphere has to say on the subject?
Yes, it's one of the reasons I was thinking a 18-20-year-old woman should be talking to pre-teen boys. Not in a creepy way, in a big sister way. In a, "I am cool, and pretty much an expert on what girls like, and I'll let you in on it" way — because we all know it isn't fast cars and being told what to do, and it isn't having their bra straps snapped.
But yeah, the magazines and every other damn thing needs to change, cuz god know what we're doing "out there" isn't working.
I totally forgot what you wrote about the cool young woman teaching boys about girls when I had my thought above 🙄 Yes, that's a great idea! How to execute that idea is the tricky part. Getting the boys/young men to actually listen to what a woman has to say. Sometimes I think what we need to do is to start writing under male pseudonyms...
Yes
Thank you for understanding. 🙏💙🙏
So true. My “safe” male friends continue to look away. It’s maddening.
This entire essay is fire. But the truth of this line in particular will haunt me forever: “I smiled the way women do when they don’t want to die.”
We all know that smile, sadly. Sending you so many hugs and a lot of love, Jazmine. Thanks for being here ❤️🩹
That smile does a lot of heavy lifting
It really does. Hugs to us all xx
💯 sadly.
Women have to learn to deflect unwanted attention over and over. First you politely say "no," next you defuse with humor, then you excuse yourself momentarily, then, if you still feel you need stick around, and the predator returns... It is 911 time. Unfortunately, the writer recounted her horrible experience that could have been far worse had she not called for help. Dating these days is a calculated risk: Always have a preplanned exit strategy. Finally, living alone without a partner does not mean you are lonely or unfulfilled. My ❤️ & 🙏 to the estimated 80% + women who have had experiences with thwarting the attack of a sexual predator.
You navigate righteous anger with such depth and humor; really a gift to us all. Thank you for your work of bringing us into your world to help us see our world more clearly. You are doing good. Much respect.
Thanks so much, Robert. I have to cut the despair and rage with something or I might really combust. Which doesn’t sound fun! Thanks for being here, I appreciate you.
I know exactly how you feel. 💗
I think there are a lot of us! Hugs❤️🩹
The bar story was hard to read. I have a sister with a similar story and it did not end as well. She still struggles with the trauma decades later, but she dumped her cheater husband and is raising two bright sons to be men with integrity.
When I saw the Angry Taint was #1 on Substack's leaderboard, I was like: Yup. That tracks. Fucking Silicon Valley.
Solidarity, Ally.
I’m so sorry about your sister, Cabot. I think the bar story ended the way it did because another, earlier story did not. I realized almost immediately what had happened. I will say that I was extra enraged when I thought about what could have happened the next day, because it was the first time I was in that kind of situation after I’d had my kids. The idea that some bastard would slip something in my drink — and god only knows what the plan was — and do that to a woman with small children? These guys just don’t care. Women are nothing.
And yeah. Tate. He’s off my leaderboard so I guess they made that tiny adjustment for people who blocked him. Wow, thanks guys 🙄
Thanks. She’s strong, and I got her back. It’s a heavy weight on my heart that the world is like it is. I’m sorry it’s hurt you too.
As for the blocking, yeah, that’s all we got. But it’s only a solution for our experience, not the problem, and that makes me furious.
But we are clear, and we are fierce. Keep burning bright.
But what if it is the solution for the problem? In all spaces and all places we all block them and prevent access to the systems that support us? Not just online but in real life.
There's no magic wand. No one right strategy. We each do what we can with what we have where we are.
Stay fierce. Participate in mutual aid.
i was roofied when I was in my last year of college. I went out for drinks with people I didn't know that well. I had one vodka soda and felt like I'd had five. Thankfully, I figured out something was wrong and got in a cab and called a friend, who stayed on the phone with me until I got back in my apartment. I barely got the key in the door before everything goes black. Same deal as you - puked all night, felt like I'd been hit in the head with a 2 x 4. And I was lucky.
I read that CNN article and my stomach turned to ice. This whole thing is so fucked, and it's not like we didn't know that men could cause us tremendous harm, but now they have all sorts of new and exciting ways to do so. Sometimes I feel like the internet was a bad idea.
I’m sorry that happened to you, Kari, and so glad you got out of there. I think the part that’s hard to believe and sometimes infuriatingly hard to get across is that to some men, no matter who we are or how precious we may be to some people or how much we’ve accomplished or overcome — to some men, we are just sport. Like they’re on safari and if we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, we can become the target.
I guess I thought most men like that kept target practice outside the house, though. I didn’t expect the level of disregard could sink lower.
Yes, exactly. It does feel like being hunted for sport. If anything, we underreacted. I knew things were bad. But this is...something worse than bad. This is broken.
After reading this, I had the same thought that you ended with.... the internet has enabled and exacerbated so much hateful, toxic and cruel behavior. The idea that 62 million men visited that site sickens me.
So let me repeat an old saying to all the men in the room...if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. Do better!
Beautifully done, Ally. Simply stunning. Thank you for naming it so eloquently.
I’m 67. I think back on the harassment I endured during the years I sold advertising in Las Vegas: The vice president of advertising at the top locals casino told that he wanted to throw me on a couch in the lobby and fuck me. He also used to hug me and grab my ass. It was the largest account I had at the time. Do you think I told anyone? This is just one example over my life (it never stops—the 35-year-old store manager of the big box store where I work part time made an inappropriate comment yesterday on the floor; he laughed it off when I didn’t respond the way he thought I would). We have all been there, in most of the ways that you enumerate.
It is never ending, or so it seems. The maneuvering is exhausting, and so is the constant vigilance. The times you need a job and have to deal with a jerk so you can eat or feed your kids. And now I have a teenage daughter. The worry I feel, Paula, and the rage because how do you not worry? I think we need the good men to genuinely understand how tired we are and help. It’s too much. Thanks for being here, I really appreciate you ❤️🩹❤️
Ally, This came straight from your heart. Anyone who reads it will hear the call to action. All of us, even, or especially "the good ones" can do better.
Thanks, David. Appreciate you.
Good column, and you are dead right about Katie Porter. It's shocking how female solidarity seems to have fallen off the map. She's brilliant when goes after the overlord with her whiteboard. Challenges corruption. Can' get funded like the men do. All that goes together.
It’s wild. I’m seeing so many comments under her videos, even today. Men and women alike, telling her to drop out. Last week Xavier Becerra was polling at 3-4% and now with Swalwell, he’s jumped to 10%, tied with Katie Porter. Suddenly people love him. No shade I guess, but what changed? They just don’t want a woman. Don’t believe a woman can win. Comments are things like “there’s too much at stake, drop out!” Why? Throw your support behind her if so much is at stake. She and Becerra are now tied. Steyer has 14%. There’s a debate Wednesday. Can you imagine being yelled at to drop out now? She has more experience fighting this administration. More experience going head to head with Big Oil and Big Pharma. 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t know where we go from here, it’s gut wrenching and my whole body feels unsafe. We as women now have to proceed as if it is every man. 62 million men in one month- the math on that only means one thing- it’s every where.
The only place I can think to go is to loudly and plainly ask the good men out there to help. Hopefully they will. And before someone else says this, it was 62 million views to that one site in February, not men. So it could have been 31 million men visiting the site twice a day. For example. It’s horrendous math no matter how you do it, just wanted you to know that part. It gives me no comfort. That’s only one site. There are others. Hugs, love, solidarity. Thank you for being here ❤️🩹
I am so grateful that you said all of this.
... and, being from the opposite coast from California and not being dialed in: yeah, when TF did we collectively decide to be not about Katie Porter?? Last time I paid attention she was a minor darling (at least) of the left, and now she's suddenly Not It?? WTF are we doing. Please elect Katie, California. Please elect women, America.
... fuck the please. Elect women.
Honestly I don’t know. It’s pretty messed up. I watched Nuestra Voz the other night, they had all the candidates on. The ACLU sponsored the event I think. I’m pretty sure only Tom Steyer, Katie Porter and Xavier Becerra have a real shot. I guess they’re talking about Matt Mahan too, now. Becerra and Mahan made it into the debate next week now that Swalwell dropped out. But it’s almost as though people are looking over her or through her. It’s a little bit infuriating given the current state of affairs. I swear it really is this deep-rooted misogyny because those “scandalous” videos are not all that. Please. Maybe she’ll bring her whiteboard next week and show these guys what’s up 😂
JFC. Something about your story combined with all the recent events makes me wonder how the "not all men" somehow evaded becoming sociopaths.
Sadly I feel like a majority of women think it's their fault if they wake up someplace weird thinking something weird may have happened, mostly because we are gaslit to take responsibility for everything. I know I've been roofied twice: once at work at an all inclusive hotel in the Dominican Republic where I felt buzzed and bored with the scene, opted to go back to my room amidst everyone getting schmammered and acting stupid. Thank God a pilot who had also had it with the chaos walked me back to my room and ensured I got in and locked the door. I woke 14 hours later with all my clothes in a wet pile on the floor (I'm sure I was trying to rinse out a bathing suit, that had been the plan) and the worst headache of my life. Incident 2 was at a gay bar in Seattle that employed a bartender who spiked women's drinks because he hated them so much...we confirmed we had been served by the guy after comparing stories with other victims. Again, thank God for an Uber driver who woke us up when we got to our destination and expressed concern instead of doing God knows what to his comatose and vulnerable passengers. My friend vomited for two days after.
I bring up these two stories because I consider myself LUCKY. Please, "not all men," get involved. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
It is so scary how easy it is to spike someone’s drink. Easier now even than it used to be. I was reading up on it this week as I was writing and it’s infuriating. Especially given that women’s partners are doing this to them. One women’s husband was making her a cup of tea before bed every night. The rage, Eileen. I wonder if the good men are quiet sometimes because our rage is terrifying. The thing is, I am not confused about where to direct it. I just want some help. I don’t want it to be just the women raging because then it feels like they don’t really care. Anyway. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sending you hugs and love. I’m grateful you’re in the world, messed up as it may be these days ❤️🩹❤️🩹
Ally, this is powerful, as always, and is a call for men to do better. Show us who you are, and step up. Thanks for this.
Yes, I don’t want to have to wonder at this point. I just can’t do it. 62 million views in a month? Mostly from the US? Smh. Thanks for being here, Mary ❤️🩹❤️
Holy shit. I read every word of this piece. I didn’t skim or go to the end just to get it over with. Let me just say - you said a mother fucking mouthful and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Katie Porter rocks BTW.
Ha. I love this comment so much. Thank you for making my night, Aline. Truly. And thanks for being here ❤️🩹 And Katie Porter all the way, we’d be so lucky to have her!
Sitting watching all of this shit going on. Women ( myself included )
fought for YEARS to have laws that shouldn't have been a problem in the first place.
Then to have men like Alito
"decide" that, "The right for women to...( fill in the blanks) ... is NOT IN THE CONSTITUTION, therefore, even though girls/ women are going to SUFFER, the law "allowing" them to decide whether they have children or not, is NO LONGER A LAW.
In fact, girls (some as young as 13 years old) and women are " breaking the law," when they decide they need to stop the pregnancy. Jail time, prison time.
They have "killed" a potential human.
66,615 PREGNANT RAPE VICTIMS DID NOT HAVE ACCESS TO GYN DOCTORS IN 2024 ( JOURNAL OF AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION).
NO PROBLEM.
Unlike POTUS, who orders people killed in boats, starts a war where THOUSANDS are killed, for no good reason, and is allowed to CONTINUE KILLING PEOPLE, and SOON will be KILLING U.S. SOLDIERS ( PROBABLY THOUSANDS, IF NOT MILLIONS)
NO PROBLEM.
AMERICA has been THROUGH THIS TONS OF TIMES. NEVER SANCTIONED BY CONGRESS, ALLOWED TO CONTINUE TO KILL PEOPLE, MAYBE EVEN NUKE COUNTRIES, WHERE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE BECOME VICTIMS.
TAKE AWAY NUKE CODES, OF COURSE NOT. HE'S A MAN, HOW COULD ANYTHING GO WRONG. AND THEN THERE ARE MEN WHO COULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, BUT THEY COVER FOR HIM INSTEAD.
SO IT COULD BE THAT IRAN IS GOING TO BOMB US, AND WE ARE WHOLESALE GOING TO DIE, JUST LIKE SOLDIERS AT U.S. MILITARY BASES, AND OTHER COUNTRIES, BECAUSE ONE MAN IS "ALL POWERFUL" AND THE SYSTEN WANTS TO KEEP HIM THAT WAY.
SO, WE MUST LOSE OUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS BECAUSE CONGRESS WILL NOT STOP BOMBING A COUNTRY THAT WAS NOT OUR ENEMY.
SO, HERE WE ARE...THE LIVES OF WOMEN AND MEN ARE STILL EXPENDABLE, BECAUSE MEN PREFER IT THAT WAY.
THANKS FOR YOUR ARTICLE.
I SEE THAT BOYS, MEN CONTINUE NOT TO EVOLVE AND being nearly 80, NOW I WILL NOT LIVE TO SEE THAT CHANGE.
DAMN DISCOURAGING.
REALLY HOPING I GET TO SEE AMERICA PUT BACK TOGETHER.
ESPECIALLY FOR MY GRANDDAUGHTERS. 😡😠😡😠
💕🌸🌼🗽🇺🇲🇺🇦
💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
Well, you are preaching to the choir over here and it is, in fact, damn discouraging.
These men making laws about what girls and women can and cannot do with their bodies, deciding our rights to bodily autonomy can change whenever we cross state lines, denying access to affordable healthcare, childcare, PTO, SNAP benefits, refusing to ratify the ERA or address the gender pay gap, now ignoring the separation of church and state and bringing these men ever closer to the halls where decisions are made — ones who believe women should not even get to vote because of their “toxic empathy.”
I’ll tell you what. Our empathy is the only thing strong enough to turn this ship around, and these “not all men” men better get busy helping us now.
Thank you so much for being here NK. Try not to give up the faith. I think there are a lot of women harnessing the fury of a million suns right now. Maybe we can do it yet.
Thank you for writing this. Your story from the bar brought back visceral memories for me. Personally, hearing your story is a powerful reminder that we women haven’t experienced an aberration. It’s a system, a cycle, endemic. But really I just wanted to say thank you for the incredible image you concluded with: “It means we make a circle, and men and women (and I am including everyone when I say men and women) are in the circle, no one is on top. The most vulnerable people are in the middle of the circle, being lifted up.”
Thank you for being here, Melissa. It really is a whole system, but it would be so much better if we’d just make that circle. Sending you a lot of love ❤️🩹
Thank you. And I’m so so sorry you had to endure what you did. No one should have to.
Hugs to all of us. We deserve a better story and I hope we write it together ❤️🔥❤️🔥
I just read the final lines of Saidiya Hartman’s unmatchable work, Wayward Lives, Beautiful Experiments, and they recalled to me your image of the circle. Offering them here to you:
“Inside the circle it is clear that every song is really the same song, but crooned in infinite variety, every story altered and unchanging: How can I live? I want to be free. Hold on.”
This is the essay that I needed, and upgraded because of it. Katie Porter, especially. Thank you!
Thank you so much, Ellen. And Katie Porter. It’s misogyny in real time. I am having conversations under her posts with women in CA who are saying things like, “I’d love to see a woman govern CA, Katie, but the stakes are too high right now, please drop out!”and trying to gently encourage them to question what in the fucking fuck they’re doing. She’s now tied with Becerra. He was polling 3-4% last week, now he’s at 10%. Why? There’s a debate Wednesday. It’s still a super competitive race. Why would she ever drop out now? It’s so horrifying to see women and men doing this. But the women are breaking my heart. So I am trying, crazy as it is lol. Thanks so much for your support, and for being here. I really appreciate you ❤️🩹🙏🏼
It’s because the stakes are so high she should be elected! I had conversations at doors of strangers in 2018 when I was all in for Senator Warren, where they’d ask But is she electable? If you vote for her, she’d BE elected! Damnit. Thank you so much!!!
EXACTLY! She’s not electable if you won’t elect her! Not exactly hard math🤷🏻♀️I was gonna see if KP wants a ground crew, I’d knock on doors for her!