There will be no turning point until the ‘good ones’ start speaking up and leveling up. This isn’t a woman problem. It’s a man problem. Theirs to fucking fix. Meanwhile I’m ready for our collective rage to out blaze the sun. Incinerate it all.
You navigate righteous anger with such depth and humor; really a gift to us all. Thank you for your work of bringing us into your world to help us see our world more clearly. You are doing good. Much respect.
Thanks so much, Robert. I have to cut the despair and rage with something or I might really combust. Which doesn’t sound fun! Thanks for being here, I appreciate you.
The bar story was hard to read. I have a sister with a similar story and it did not end as well. She still struggles with the trauma decades later, but she dumped her cheater husband and is raising two bright sons to be men with integrity.
When I saw the Angry Taint was #1 on Substack's leaderboard, I was like: Yup. That tracks. Fucking Silicon Valley.
I’m so sorry about your sister, Cabot. I think the bar story ended the way it did because another, earlier story did not. I realized almost immediately what had happened. I will say that I was extra enraged when I thought about what could have happened the next day, because it was the first time I was in that kind of situation after I’d had my kids. The idea that some bastard would slip something in my drink — and god only knows what the plan was — and do that to a woman with small children? These guys just don’t care. Women are nothing.
And yeah. Tate. He’s off my leaderboard so I guess they made that tiny adjustment for people who blocked him. Wow, thanks guys 🙄
But what if it is the solution for the problem? In all spaces and all places we all block them and prevent access to the systems that support us? Not just online but in real life.
i was roofied when I was in my last year of college. I went out for drinks with people I didn't know that well. I had one vodka soda and felt like I'd had five. Thankfully, I figured out something was wrong and got in a cab and called a friend, who stayed on the phone with me until I got back in my apartment. I barely got the key in the door before everything goes black. Same deal as you - puked all night, felt like I'd been hit in the head with a 2 x 4. And I was lucky.
I read that CNN article and my stomach turned to ice. This whole thing is so fucked, and it's not like we didn't know that men could cause us tremendous harm, but now they have all sorts of new and exciting ways to do so. Sometimes I feel like the internet was a bad idea.
I’m sorry that happened to you, Kari, and so glad you got out of there. I think the part that’s hard to believe and sometimes infuriatingly hard to get across is that to some men, no matter who we are or how precious we may be to some people or how much we’ve accomplished or overcome — to some men, we are just sport. Like they’re on safari and if we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, we can become the target.
I guess I thought most men like that kept target practice outside the house, though. I didn’t expect the level of disregard could sink lower.
Yes, exactly. It does feel like being hunted for sport. If anything, we underreacted. I knew things were bad. But this is...something worse than bad. This is broken.
Good column, and you are dead right about Katie Porter. It's shocking how female solidarity seems to have fallen off the map. She's brilliant when goes after the overlord with her whiteboard. Challenges corruption. Can' get funded like the men do. All that goes together.
It’s wild. I’m seeing so many comments under her videos, even today. Men and women alike, telling her to drop out. Last week Xavier Becerra was polling at 3-4% and now with Swalwell, he’s jumped to 10%, tied with Katie Porter. Suddenly people love him. No shade I guess, but what changed? They just don’t want a woman. Don’t believe a woman can win. Comments are things like “there’s too much at stake, drop out!” Why? Throw your support behind her if so much is at stake. She and Becerra are now tied. Steyer has 14%. There’s a debate Wednesday. Can you imagine being yelled at to drop out now? She has more experience fighting this administration. More experience going head to head with Big Oil and Big Pharma. 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t know where we go from here, it’s gut wrenching and my whole body feels unsafe. We as women now have to proceed as if it is every man. 62 million men in one month- the math on that only means one thing- it’s every where.
The only place I can think to go is to loudly and plainly ask the good men out there to help. Hopefully they will. And before someone else says this, it was 62 million views to that one site in February, not men. So it could have been 31 million men visiting the site twice a day. For example. It’s horrendous math no matter how you do it, just wanted you to know that part. It gives me no comfort. That’s only one site. There are others. Hugs, love, solidarity. Thank you for being here ❤️🩹
Beautifully done, Ally. Simply stunning. Thank you for naming it so eloquently.
I’m 67. I think back on the harassment I endured during the years I sold advertising in Las Vegas: The vice president of advertising at the top locals casino told that he wanted to throw me on a couch in the lobby and fuck me. He also used to hug me and grab my ass. It was the largest account I had at the time. Do you think I told anyone? This is just one example over my life (it never stops—the 35-year-old store manager of the big box store where I work part time made an inappropriate comment yesterday on the floor; he laughed it off when I didn’t respond the way he thought I would). We have all been there, in most of the ways that you enumerate.
It is never ending, or so it seems. The maneuvering is exhausting, and so is the constant vigilance. The times you need a job and have to deal with a jerk so you can eat or feed your kids. And now I have a teenage daughter. The worry I feel, Paula, and the rage because how do you not worry? I think we need the good men to genuinely understand how tired we are and help. It’s too much. Thanks for being here, I really appreciate you ❤️🩹❤️
Ally, This came straight from your heart. Anyone who reads it will hear the call to action. All of us, even, or especially "the good ones" can do better.
... and, being from the opposite coast from California and not being dialed in: yeah, when TF did we collectively decide to be not about Katie Porter?? Last time I paid attention she was a minor darling (at least) of the left, and now she's suddenly Not It?? WTF are we doing. Please elect Katie, California. Please elect women, America.
Honestly I don’t know. It’s pretty messed up. I watched Nuestra Voz the other night, they had all the candidates on. The ACLU sponsored the event I think. I’m pretty sure only Tom Steyer, Katie Porter and Xavier Becerra have a real shot. I guess they’re talking about Matt Mahan too, now. Becerra and Mahan made it into the debate next week now that Swalwell dropped out. But it’s almost as though people are looking over her or through her. It’s a little bit infuriating given the current state of affairs. I swear it really is this deep-rooted misogyny because those “scandalous” videos are not all that. Please. Maybe she’ll bring her whiteboard next week and show these guys what’s up 😂
Yes, I don’t want to have to wonder at this point. I just can’t do it. 62 million views in a month? Mostly from the US? Smh. Thanks for being here, Mary ❤️🩹❤️
Thank you so much, Ellen. And Katie Porter. It’s misogyny in real time. I am having conversations under her posts with women in CA who are saying things like, “I’d love to see a woman govern CA, Katie, but the stakes are too high right now, please drop out!”and trying to gently encourage them to question what in the fucking fuck they’re doing. She’s now tied with Becerra. He was polling 3-4% last week, now he’s at 10%. Why? There’s a debate Wednesday. It’s still a super competitive race. Why would she ever drop out now? It’s so horrifying to see women and men doing this. But the women are breaking my heart. So I am trying, crazy as it is lol. Thanks so much for your support, and for being here. I really appreciate you ❤️🩹🙏🏼
It’s because the stakes are so high she should be elected! I had conversations at doors of strangers in 2018 when I was all in for Senator Warren, where they’d ask But is she electable? If you vote for her, she’d BE elected! Damnit. Thank you so much!!!
Thank you for writing this. Your story from the bar brought back visceral memories for me. Personally, hearing your story is a powerful reminder that we women haven’t experienced an aberration. It’s a system, a cycle, endemic. But really I just wanted to say thank you for the incredible image you concluded with: “It means we make a circle, and men and women (and I am including everyone when I say men and women) are in the circle, no one is on top. The most vulnerable people are in the middle of the circle, being lifted up.”
Thank you for being here, Melissa. It really is a whole system, but it would be so much better if we’d just make that circle. Sending you a lot of love ❤️🩹
I'm pretty certain I have never read anything that covers this entire topic, this well. And I am horrified by what happened to you personally. Thank you for writing this.
Holy shit. I read every word of this piece. I didn’t skim or go to the end just to get it over with. Let me just say - you said a mother fucking mouthful and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Katie Porter rocks BTW.
Ha. I love this comment so much. Thank you for making my night, Aline. Truly. And thanks for being here ❤️🩹 And Katie Porter all the way, we’d be so lucky to have her!
There will be no turning point until the ‘good ones’ start speaking up and leveling up. This isn’t a woman problem. It’s a man problem. Theirs to fucking fix. Meanwhile I’m ready for our collective rage to out blaze the sun. Incinerate it all.
Thanks for this. You’re brilliant. 🫶🏻
I’m ready for that, too. Whatever this is? We really need to be done with it. So grateful you’re a text away. Hugs and love ❤️
Agreed, we have “a man problem,” with many women enabling them.
Yes
This entire essay is fire. But the truth of this line in particular will haunt me forever: “I smiled the way women do when they don’t want to die.”
We all know that smile, sadly. Sending you so many hugs and a lot of love, Jazmine. Thanks for being here ❤️🩹
That smile does a lot of heavy lifting
It really does. Hugs to us all xx
You navigate righteous anger with such depth and humor; really a gift to us all. Thank you for your work of bringing us into your world to help us see our world more clearly. You are doing good. Much respect.
Thanks so much, Robert. I have to cut the despair and rage with something or I might really combust. Which doesn’t sound fun! Thanks for being here, I appreciate you.
I know exactly how you feel. 💗
I think there are a lot of us! Hugs❤️🩹
The bar story was hard to read. I have a sister with a similar story and it did not end as well. She still struggles with the trauma decades later, but she dumped her cheater husband and is raising two bright sons to be men with integrity.
When I saw the Angry Taint was #1 on Substack's leaderboard, I was like: Yup. That tracks. Fucking Silicon Valley.
Solidarity, Ally.
I’m so sorry about your sister, Cabot. I think the bar story ended the way it did because another, earlier story did not. I realized almost immediately what had happened. I will say that I was extra enraged when I thought about what could have happened the next day, because it was the first time I was in that kind of situation after I’d had my kids. The idea that some bastard would slip something in my drink — and god only knows what the plan was — and do that to a woman with small children? These guys just don’t care. Women are nothing.
And yeah. Tate. He’s off my leaderboard so I guess they made that tiny adjustment for people who blocked him. Wow, thanks guys 🙄
Thanks. She’s strong, and I got her back. It’s a heavy weight on my heart that the world is like it is. I’m sorry it’s hurt you too.
As for the blocking, yeah, that’s all we got. But it’s only a solution for our experience, not the problem, and that makes me furious.
But we are clear, and we are fierce. Keep burning bright.
But what if it is the solution for the problem? In all spaces and all places we all block them and prevent access to the systems that support us? Not just online but in real life.
There's no magic wand. No one right strategy. We each do what we can with what we have where we are.
Stay fierce. Participate in mutual aid.
i was roofied when I was in my last year of college. I went out for drinks with people I didn't know that well. I had one vodka soda and felt like I'd had five. Thankfully, I figured out something was wrong and got in a cab and called a friend, who stayed on the phone with me until I got back in my apartment. I barely got the key in the door before everything goes black. Same deal as you - puked all night, felt like I'd been hit in the head with a 2 x 4. And I was lucky.
I read that CNN article and my stomach turned to ice. This whole thing is so fucked, and it's not like we didn't know that men could cause us tremendous harm, but now they have all sorts of new and exciting ways to do so. Sometimes I feel like the internet was a bad idea.
I’m sorry that happened to you, Kari, and so glad you got out of there. I think the part that’s hard to believe and sometimes infuriatingly hard to get across is that to some men, no matter who we are or how precious we may be to some people or how much we’ve accomplished or overcome — to some men, we are just sport. Like they’re on safari and if we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, we can become the target.
I guess I thought most men like that kept target practice outside the house, though. I didn’t expect the level of disregard could sink lower.
Yes, exactly. It does feel like being hunted for sport. If anything, we underreacted. I knew things were bad. But this is...something worse than bad. This is broken.
Good column, and you are dead right about Katie Porter. It's shocking how female solidarity seems to have fallen off the map. She's brilliant when goes after the overlord with her whiteboard. Challenges corruption. Can' get funded like the men do. All that goes together.
It’s wild. I’m seeing so many comments under her videos, even today. Men and women alike, telling her to drop out. Last week Xavier Becerra was polling at 3-4% and now with Swalwell, he’s jumped to 10%, tied with Katie Porter. Suddenly people love him. No shade I guess, but what changed? They just don’t want a woman. Don’t believe a woman can win. Comments are things like “there’s too much at stake, drop out!” Why? Throw your support behind her if so much is at stake. She and Becerra are now tied. Steyer has 14%. There’s a debate Wednesday. Can you imagine being yelled at to drop out now? She has more experience fighting this administration. More experience going head to head with Big Oil and Big Pharma. 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t know where we go from here, it’s gut wrenching and my whole body feels unsafe. We as women now have to proceed as if it is every man. 62 million men in one month- the math on that only means one thing- it’s every where.
The only place I can think to go is to loudly and plainly ask the good men out there to help. Hopefully they will. And before someone else says this, it was 62 million views to that one site in February, not men. So it could have been 31 million men visiting the site twice a day. For example. It’s horrendous math no matter how you do it, just wanted you to know that part. It gives me no comfort. That’s only one site. There are others. Hugs, love, solidarity. Thank you for being here ❤️🩹
Beautifully done, Ally. Simply stunning. Thank you for naming it so eloquently.
I’m 67. I think back on the harassment I endured during the years I sold advertising in Las Vegas: The vice president of advertising at the top locals casino told that he wanted to throw me on a couch in the lobby and fuck me. He also used to hug me and grab my ass. It was the largest account I had at the time. Do you think I told anyone? This is just one example over my life (it never stops—the 35-year-old store manager of the big box store where I work part time made an inappropriate comment yesterday on the floor; he laughed it off when I didn’t respond the way he thought I would). We have all been there, in most of the ways that you enumerate.
It is never ending, or so it seems. The maneuvering is exhausting, and so is the constant vigilance. The times you need a job and have to deal with a jerk so you can eat or feed your kids. And now I have a teenage daughter. The worry I feel, Paula, and the rage because how do you not worry? I think we need the good men to genuinely understand how tired we are and help. It’s too much. Thanks for being here, I really appreciate you ❤️🩹❤️
Ally, This came straight from your heart. Anyone who reads it will hear the call to action. All of us, even, or especially "the good ones" can do better.
Thanks, David. Appreciate you.
I am so grateful that you said all of this.
... and, being from the opposite coast from California and not being dialed in: yeah, when TF did we collectively decide to be not about Katie Porter?? Last time I paid attention she was a minor darling (at least) of the left, and now she's suddenly Not It?? WTF are we doing. Please elect Katie, California. Please elect women, America.
... fuck the please. Elect women.
Honestly I don’t know. It’s pretty messed up. I watched Nuestra Voz the other night, they had all the candidates on. The ACLU sponsored the event I think. I’m pretty sure only Tom Steyer, Katie Porter and Xavier Becerra have a real shot. I guess they’re talking about Matt Mahan too, now. Becerra and Mahan made it into the debate next week now that Swalwell dropped out. But it’s almost as though people are looking over her or through her. It’s a little bit infuriating given the current state of affairs. I swear it really is this deep-rooted misogyny because those “scandalous” videos are not all that. Please. Maybe she’ll bring her whiteboard next week and show these guys what’s up 😂
Ally, this is powerful, as always, and is a call for men to do better. Show us who you are, and step up. Thanks for this.
Yes, I don’t want to have to wonder at this point. I just can’t do it. 62 million views in a month? Mostly from the US? Smh. Thanks for being here, Mary ❤️🩹❤️
This is the essay that I needed, and upgraded because of it. Katie Porter, especially. Thank you!
Thank you so much, Ellen. And Katie Porter. It’s misogyny in real time. I am having conversations under her posts with women in CA who are saying things like, “I’d love to see a woman govern CA, Katie, but the stakes are too high right now, please drop out!”and trying to gently encourage them to question what in the fucking fuck they’re doing. She’s now tied with Becerra. He was polling 3-4% last week, now he’s at 10%. Why? There’s a debate Wednesday. It’s still a super competitive race. Why would she ever drop out now? It’s so horrifying to see women and men doing this. But the women are breaking my heart. So I am trying, crazy as it is lol. Thanks so much for your support, and for being here. I really appreciate you ❤️🩹🙏🏼
It’s because the stakes are so high she should be elected! I had conversations at doors of strangers in 2018 when I was all in for Senator Warren, where they’d ask But is she electable? If you vote for her, she’d BE elected! Damnit. Thank you so much!!!
EXACTLY! She’s not electable if you won’t elect her! Not exactly hard math🤷🏻♀️I was gonna see if KP wants a ground crew, I’d knock on doors for her!
No words to add except thank you
Thank you for being here, and huge hugs, Elspeth ❤️🩹
Thank you for writing this. Your story from the bar brought back visceral memories for me. Personally, hearing your story is a powerful reminder that we women haven’t experienced an aberration. It’s a system, a cycle, endemic. But really I just wanted to say thank you for the incredible image you concluded with: “It means we make a circle, and men and women (and I am including everyone when I say men and women) are in the circle, no one is on top. The most vulnerable people are in the middle of the circle, being lifted up.”
Thank you for being here, Melissa. It really is a whole system, but it would be so much better if we’d just make that circle. Sending you a lot of love ❤️🩹
I'm pretty certain I have never read anything that covers this entire topic, this well. And I am horrified by what happened to you personally. Thank you for writing this.
Oh my gosh, thank you so much. I really appreciate it and I’m grateful you’re here ❤️🩹
Holy shit. I read every word of this piece. I didn’t skim or go to the end just to get it over with. Let me just say - you said a mother fucking mouthful and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Katie Porter rocks BTW.
Ha. I love this comment so much. Thank you for making my night, Aline. Truly. And thanks for being here ❤️🩹 And Katie Porter all the way, we’d be so lucky to have her!