"People who look at the world the same way, and realize time is short. People who let you fall apart because sometimes the world is a harsh and scary place, but even when that’s true, if you look, you’ll always find someone with a magical red box. Even if it’s invisible, and they wear it on the inside.". I find that often times that's you. Blessings.
Despite the brighter moments in this, and the kindness you received, this is just so sad, so terribly sad, and written almost as if you still are that child. Heartbreaking, Ally.
I’ve been thinking about my grandma and my mom a lot lately. I feel such a through line with them, almost like we were sharing a nervous system and when my grandma died, everything kind of died for a while. That old life died, and the new life was not safe and loving anymore. My mom was so young and she already had a lot of trauma, and my dad was a selfish dick if we’re honest, which we are. Funny how I want to race to say he had some great qualities, too. I think he broke my mom and I don’t think she ever fully recovered. Partly because she would never ask for help. Anyway, I grew up and got to create that safe and loving place for my own kids, and that was healing for me, too. And I’m sure I had the roadmap seared into my heart from my grandma. So hopefully that leaves you feeling less sad, dearest Abby 🥹❤️🩹❤️🩹
It was in the past, and your future was different, but you took me back there and it was so real, the way you wrote it. But thank you, I will leave the sadness in the past and glory in your now.
My little girl self still lives inside me, too. And although she has a much better understanding of what it means to die, she still gets pretty worried about it from time to time. She also tries to hide her fears from people so they won’t be annoyed by her. She talks to her animal friends about her feelings, because she knows they won’t judge her for them or get upset. Or mad.
Now that she’s a grownup, with decades of birthdays behind her, she still regards kindness and compassion as one of the most important traits of any person. She has learned to take care of herself well, and to be strong and capable most days. But kindness, she’s never stopped valuing real kindness in others. And that little girl, she still squeezes her hand back the same number of times.
I love all our little kid selves. I love when I get so close to a person I start to see their little kid self peering out, wondering if it’s safe. I love that I can reassure that little kid who still lives inside me that she is safe now, that I have her back and she can just relax and play. Sometimes if someone isn’t responding to my grownup self in the way that I’d like, that little kid in me starts to panic, and then I have to remind her that we do not chase love. Ever.
Thanks for sharing, Esme. My little kid self sends hugs to yours. No doubt we’d be friends if we met on the playground. Thanks for being my friend here and now ❤️❤️🩹
It occurs to me that you would have become my playground friend, too. I always turned my back on mean kids, and reached out to gentle souls as friends. Still do.
Mercifully, between the people who are too scared, or too selfish, to love properly, there are a lot of Kiras in the world, and a lot of Allys. And they're both fully prepared and willing to bind the wounds of those who need it most. Both angels with big shoulders, and soft tissues, and well-stocked first aid boxes.
I'm hugging that little girl and marveling at the grown-up she became.
Well, I gave up not crying in this comments section pretty early this week! Thank you so much for this. My little kid self and my current grown up self thank you very much, Elizabeth. I’m so grateful you’re here ❤️🩹🙏🏼⛑️
I still hate shit like that tbh. Stuff where you are supposed to perform like a trained seal. I have no doubt trained seals hate it just as much. Also really appreciate people who make it safe to fall apart. You know who you are.
Emotional response: Damn, that was good. Like really, really good. Imagine the emphasis placed on the words. Just because the emotional side of my brain is spluttering to find the most precise words...
Intellectual response: the way the story was presented was... Resonant? Beautifully written? What I'm trying to say is the combination of words, structure, story and voice are stunning. This article/essay/chapter will stick with me for a long time. Showing the perspective from a young child with vivid memories working to grasp how to handle emotions, difficult or joyful... It's going to stick with me for along time.
Thank you so much, Bobita, I appreciate this a lot. The memoir I am currently finishing moves around in time and some of it is written from my perspective as a kid. Of all the things I’ve written here, this is the closest to one of the early chapters in the book, though this particular story isn’t in it. I’ve worked hard not to have overlap here. Anyway, thank you again, as I close in on what I hope is the final edit, this was a lovely message to receive ❤️
This completely made me cry. Especially the part about Kira holding you in her lap and letting you cry. We all need someone like that in our lives, but as children we especially need that. I’m glad she was the one there with you that day. I could feel your innocent relief at her tenderness and at her allowing your feelings to flow and keeping you safe and held while they did. 🥹❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ We all need more of this. Children need more of this from the adults in their lives. It’s essential, priceless, and precious. Nothing else expresses the same kind of sturdy, genuine, and open love and care. Thank you for all you share of yourself, Ally. It matters and it helps so much. I feel you and am fortified by you. 💞
Thank you so much, Jennifer. I really did need it. I remember feeling so bereft without my grandma, but there wasn’t any conversation about it. I think my mom was barely holding on through her own grief and had the idea that if we didn’t talk about mine it would go away. She didn’t talk about hers, either, not for a very long time, so it came out in all these unfortunate ways. And then life got strange and I had parents who were ill-prepared to handle any messy of my feelings. So I do remember being amazed and relieved that I could cry and not get in trouble, and that there wasn’t a time limit on it. We do need people who let us fall apart and are able to just be there. Anyway I thank you for your tender, insightful comments as always, and I thank you for being here ❤️🩹❤️
You have a special gift of conveying the world from child Ally's perspective. So many grownups don't remember childhood accurately and can't do this. I bet Kira could remember, too.
I cry for the child who experienced these things and I cheer for the adult who is able to tell the story with such honesty and clarity. It’s like that moment watching the game, when you see someone who has been injured stand up and walk, limping maybe and not quite okay but going to be. You have performed the alchemy of transforming pain into art. That last sentence—wow!
God bless the Kiras of this world. My heart goes out to you.
I feel so fortunate to have such kindhearted people in this comments section. I appreciate what you’ve written so much, J. Keanu and I thank you for being here ❤️🩹⛑️🙏🏼
Wow, Ally! You've endured so much more than any kiddo ever should! Yet, you've come through with brilliance, grace, the capacity to love, and the ability to write like no one else!! Thank you for sharing. Thank goodness for your Nanny, Kira, and anyone else who offered you a safe space! May we all offer safe spaces to one another...
Thank you so much, Sharon. My heart breaks for kids who endure so much more. But I have a lot of compassion for my little kid self these days and for all of our little kid selves. And I thank you for your very kind words. I’m so grateful for my grandma and every Kira I met along the way. And for you. Glad you’re here ❤️❤️🩹
I really hope that your mom picked you up that day with extra hugs and tenderness, and that she watched over you for signs of concussion as you rested that evening. Or maybe you can re-write the ending of this memory that way in your soul.
Thanks Ally… appreciate the follow up. They have for sure been testing me of late and you are the 2nd person recently to remind
Me that whatever I’m doing is just right and exactly what they need. Certainly no danger of dropping them at a farm for a month ;) but thanks as always for hearing me. You are one
In a million or one in infinity as Mabel would say.
"People who look at the world the same way, and realize time is short. People who let you fall apart because sometimes the world is a harsh and scary place, but even when that’s true, if you look, you’ll always find someone with a magical red box. Even if it’s invisible, and they wear it on the inside.". I find that often times that's you. Blessings.
Well, now I’m crying! Thank you, Sharon, that hit me directly in the heart ♥️
Despite the brighter moments in this, and the kindness you received, this is just so sad, so terribly sad, and written almost as if you still are that child. Heartbreaking, Ally.
I’ve been thinking about my grandma and my mom a lot lately. I feel such a through line with them, almost like we were sharing a nervous system and when my grandma died, everything kind of died for a while. That old life died, and the new life was not safe and loving anymore. My mom was so young and she already had a lot of trauma, and my dad was a selfish dick if we’re honest, which we are. Funny how I want to race to say he had some great qualities, too. I think he broke my mom and I don’t think she ever fully recovered. Partly because she would never ask for help. Anyway, I grew up and got to create that safe and loving place for my own kids, and that was healing for me, too. And I’m sure I had the roadmap seared into my heart from my grandma. So hopefully that leaves you feeling less sad, dearest Abby 🥹❤️🩹❤️🩹
It was in the past, and your future was different, but you took me back there and it was so real, the way you wrote it. But thank you, I will leave the sadness in the past and glory in your now.
Your words are so often the little red box. Love you
I’ll just be here crying in the comments! Thank you, Kara. Love you, tooooo❤️
My little girl self still lives inside me, too. And although she has a much better understanding of what it means to die, she still gets pretty worried about it from time to time. She also tries to hide her fears from people so they won’t be annoyed by her. She talks to her animal friends about her feelings, because she knows they won’t judge her for them or get upset. Or mad.
Now that she’s a grownup, with decades of birthdays behind her, she still regards kindness and compassion as one of the most important traits of any person. She has learned to take care of herself well, and to be strong and capable most days. But kindness, she’s never stopped valuing real kindness in others. And that little girl, she still squeezes her hand back the same number of times.
I love all our little kid selves. I love when I get so close to a person I start to see their little kid self peering out, wondering if it’s safe. I love that I can reassure that little kid who still lives inside me that she is safe now, that I have her back and she can just relax and play. Sometimes if someone isn’t responding to my grownup self in the way that I’d like, that little kid in me starts to panic, and then I have to remind her that we do not chase love. Ever.
Thanks for sharing, Esme. My little kid self sends hugs to yours. No doubt we’d be friends if we met on the playground. Thanks for being my friend here and now ❤️❤️🩹
It occurs to me that you would have become my playground friend, too. I always turned my back on mean kids, and reached out to gentle souls as friends. Still do.
Same ❤️🩹⛑️
Thank the world for kind teachers and nurses and the quiet ones who make safe spaces for children, and for grownups, too. I so enjoyed reading this.
Truly. I think people like that saved my like along the way. So glad you enjoyed, Linda, and I’m very glad you’re here ❤️🩹
Mercifully, between the people who are too scared, or too selfish, to love properly, there are a lot of Kiras in the world, and a lot of Allys. And they're both fully prepared and willing to bind the wounds of those who need it most. Both angels with big shoulders, and soft tissues, and well-stocked first aid boxes.
I'm hugging that little girl and marveling at the grown-up she became.
Well, I gave up not crying in this comments section pretty early this week! Thank you so much for this. My little kid self and my current grown up self thank you very much, Elizabeth. I’m so grateful you’re here ❤️🩹🙏🏼⛑️
Circe Time was one of Dante’s circles I think. I fuckin hated those stupid games too.
I’m so glad you found moments of tenderness from adults around you back then Ally but you deserved a whole lot more of them.
Brilliant and heartful writing as always. Little Ally is proud of who you’ve become. xo
I still hate shit like that tbh. Stuff where you are supposed to perform like a trained seal. I have no doubt trained seals hate it just as much. Also really appreciate people who make it safe to fall apart. You know who you are.
Emotional response: Damn, that was good. Like really, really good. Imagine the emphasis placed on the words. Just because the emotional side of my brain is spluttering to find the most precise words...
Intellectual response: the way the story was presented was... Resonant? Beautifully written? What I'm trying to say is the combination of words, structure, story and voice are stunning. This article/essay/chapter will stick with me for a long time. Showing the perspective from a young child with vivid memories working to grasp how to handle emotions, difficult or joyful... It's going to stick with me for along time.
Thank you so much, Bobita, I appreciate this a lot. The memoir I am currently finishing moves around in time and some of it is written from my perspective as a kid. Of all the things I’ve written here, this is the closest to one of the early chapters in the book, though this particular story isn’t in it. I’ve worked hard not to have overlap here. Anyway, thank you again, as I close in on what I hope is the final edit, this was a lovely message to receive ❤️
This completely made me cry. Especially the part about Kira holding you in her lap and letting you cry. We all need someone like that in our lives, but as children we especially need that. I’m glad she was the one there with you that day. I could feel your innocent relief at her tenderness and at her allowing your feelings to flow and keeping you safe and held while they did. 🥹❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ We all need more of this. Children need more of this from the adults in their lives. It’s essential, priceless, and precious. Nothing else expresses the same kind of sturdy, genuine, and open love and care. Thank you for all you share of yourself, Ally. It matters and it helps so much. I feel you and am fortified by you. 💞
Thank you so much, Jennifer. I really did need it. I remember feeling so bereft without my grandma, but there wasn’t any conversation about it. I think my mom was barely holding on through her own grief and had the idea that if we didn’t talk about mine it would go away. She didn’t talk about hers, either, not for a very long time, so it came out in all these unfortunate ways. And then life got strange and I had parents who were ill-prepared to handle any messy of my feelings. So I do remember being amazed and relieved that I could cry and not get in trouble, and that there wasn’t a time limit on it. We do need people who let us fall apart and are able to just be there. Anyway I thank you for your tender, insightful comments as always, and I thank you for being here ❤️🩹❤️
Oh my god. I couldn't love this story more. It's beautiful.
Thank you so much, Michelle ❤️❤️
You have a special gift of conveying the world from child Ally's perspective. So many grownups don't remember childhood accurately and can't do this. I bet Kira could remember, too.
Thanks very much, Mary Beth. Appreciate this a lot ❤️🩹🙏🏼
I cry for the child who experienced these things and I cheer for the adult who is able to tell the story with such honesty and clarity. It’s like that moment watching the game, when you see someone who has been injured stand up and walk, limping maybe and not quite okay but going to be. You have performed the alchemy of transforming pain into art. That last sentence—wow!
God bless the Kiras of this world. My heart goes out to you.
I feel so fortunate to have such kindhearted people in this comments section. I appreciate what you’ve written so much, J. Keanu and I thank you for being here ❤️🩹⛑️🙏🏼
Wow, Ally! You've endured so much more than any kiddo ever should! Yet, you've come through with brilliance, grace, the capacity to love, and the ability to write like no one else!! Thank you for sharing. Thank goodness for your Nanny, Kira, and anyone else who offered you a safe space! May we all offer safe spaces to one another...
Thank you so much, Sharon. My heart breaks for kids who endure so much more. But I have a lot of compassion for my little kid self these days and for all of our little kid selves. And I thank you for your very kind words. I’m so grateful for my grandma and every Kira I met along the way. And for you. Glad you’re here ❤️❤️🩹
Your writing touched me. There are times we need to fall apart in oder to become whole again.
Thank you so much, Malina. I’m glad you’re here ❤️🩹
I really hope that your mom picked you up that day with extra hugs and tenderness, and that she watched over you for signs of concussion as you rested that evening. Or maybe you can re-write the ending of this memory that way in your soul.
Thank you, Holly, that is so kind. I think I will treat that like a writing prompt ❤️🩹❤️🩹
Thanks Ally… appreciate the follow up. They have for sure been testing me of late and you are the 2nd person recently to remind
Me that whatever I’m doing is just right and exactly what they need. Certainly no danger of dropping them at a farm for a month ;) but thanks as always for hearing me. You are one
In a million or one in infinity as Mabel would say.