One thing I dislike with the heat of a thousand suns is the feeling that arises when someone says they love you, but wants you to stand in a field of horse manure and pretend it smells like roses.
It’s such a terrible feeling, isn’t it? That liminal space before you’re fully awake, when those images start flooding in and your body fills with dread 😔 I will never do that again. Hugs to you xx
I know entirely too many men who say he "tells it like it is" and it makes me angry. And then, pardon my anger, I see entirely too many people talking matriarchy in a country that voted for that orange psychopath man-child instead of a woman-not once but twice-and we're supposed to pretend a room full of women is going to happen? We need to deal with men like these first. Baby steps. Just like the ones women have been taking for a hundred years. Lord, you pushed a lot of hot buttons in this one. Well done, Ally
I’ll tell you, it’s one of the saddest, craziest things. If you’d asked me 10 years ago whether I’d thought this could happen to this guy I would have said no, but wow was I wrong. And “he tells it like it is”???
But the condescending texts are what got me. He’s preaching to me now about how I should be tolerant😵💫No. How bout that? No, I won’t be tolerant of your intolerance and I don’t want to come to your BBQ 🤷🏻♀️ And yes, down with these dudes first. Then matriarchy.
God almighty, Ally. THIS ONE. This is my father, through and through. Though he didn't change-- he is who he's always been. He's just become more calcified with age and now has the permission to be very clear and articulate about things he used to only "joke" about. He texted me about Kirk several times, out of the blue, to tell me how sad it was because he was such a great man of god and also how amazing his memorial service was, etc., etc., even though I have built a whole wall between us and adorned it with flashing lights and sirens anytime he broaches these topics (or any topics other than pets and pickleball), and he knows this. I just threw in the towel and called him and it was so, so bad. And heartbreaking, and personal, as you paint so beautifully here. Also, he kept asking if I could name one good thing Trump had done, and I refused, and he told me that he could name a good thing Obama had done. As if this refusal of mine was proof that I had my stubborn head up my ass, and not that I didn't want to play an antagonistic party game where I was now going to need to find a good thing Hitler had done, and Dommer too, and how about Ghangis Kahn? Surely these men had done one good thing, right? OMFG. How do we do this and NOT lose our cool? I could feel my heart beating in my eyeballs the whole time. Help. I would love to have a coffee and fury bond over this. Why are we so far apart?
It is so triggering when it’s family. We really do live too far apart, but I felt your comments in my bones, Kendall, and I’m so sorry. Those little games are infuriating. They’re like gotcha moments. “You won’t say something nice about the white supremacist I like, but I’ll say something nice about your guy, because I’m better than you and we’re gonna pretend my guy is normal and everything is normal.” Like, okkkkaaayyy.
I had to ask to be taken off the family text chat. One of them. Like, the whole family knows my politics. Don’t include me in the group text with the conservative cousins and aunt and uncle to talk politics. wtf. Are you intentionally trying to raise my blood pressure? lol. Anyway, it is rough and I’m sorry you know this pain. I’m sending you giant hugs through the ether, and a lot of love ❤️
This struck so many chords, Ally. I have a person in my life whom I have known since I was eight (that’s 61 years for those keeping track). We reconnected several years ago and hung out occasionally (BBQs, fly fishing). Not a lot of political talk but we knew we had grown to have different views. Then 2015 and that effing escalator and the subsequent years. My long-time friend would send homophobic and racist texts out of the blue. Blaming me and the “libtards” for the state of the U.S. Commented that he knew going to college would “mess” me up but didn’t realize how badly it would. I have texted him a few times about baseball and occasionally get one from him (he did text me condolences at my sister’s passing— our whole families had been close for decades). Anyway, too long of a comment to simply say that this whole post resonated so deeply.
It’s painful to lose people this way. And said because it’s not like any of us want this to happen. Most of us would love nothing more than for this not to be happening. But it’s that same old thing, it’s not a disagreement over what to have for dinner, these are fundamental, worldview things. I don’t think it’s possible to overlook this stuff, nor do I want to, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. Hugs to you, Vince ❤️🩹
I obviously relate to the "it was my job to regulate everyone's emotions at the expense of myself" piece of this, and it is only now at almost 45 years old that I officially QUIT THAT THANKLESS JOB. My circle, as a result, is smaller. But my self-respect is larger, and I choose to regulate my own emotions first, sorry not sorry.
I am so sorry about your friend -- I am dealing with this shit in my own life too and it sucks. Do not tell me that you "love" me if you voted against every single thing I stand for. That's not love. I don't know what it is, but it ain't love, and now you cannot be trusted and you can stay far the fuck away from me.
And, of course a MAN would be like "he tells it like it is!", because "like it is" serves men like him, and they refuse to consider that maybe it doesn't HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. UGHHHHHHH.
Yeah I have been giving a lot of thought to the whole situation, and the fact that he has to ask me in all sincerity “how this is really affecting my life, personally” is all I need to know. It’s such a bummer. But like you, I have reached the point in my life (finally) where I just will not deplete myself for anyone who does not recognize me as a full human being in the polling booth, but then wants my full attention in their lives. I’m saving my attention for people whose love is evident, not twisted and weird. Hugs and love to you, my friend. Cheers to better days ❤️🩹
People like your friend (and, I fear, one of my close ones) are checking out of being human. There is a level at which I understand the impulse, because being a person of empathy and respect for humanity at the end of (the world) (an era, is that more hopeful?) is grindingly painful. Holding the public position of "These various horrible violations aren't wrong, they're RIGHT!" is self-soothing I think, for a lot of people. They're really telling themselves that NOTHING is wrong, that "all is well!", that "this is fine"... bc, to really look and really see, really think and really feel, feels like it would destroy them.
I think that's what much of it is with my friend, anyway. Obviously all MMV. Thank you as always, Ally.
That’s an interesting take and maybe that’s part of it for him, I’ll think on that. It’s all so odd because he’s a YOGA TEACHER. I have a very hard time (strike that) impossible time marrying those two things together. I just cannot make it make sense.
I’m sorry about your friend, too. It’s painful. Thanks for being here, Matt, I really appreciate you❤️🩹
SO IS MINE. I am not a yoga person; I know that you are; it is my assumption that if I were, I would experience yoga as a way to LET GO of my need to control.
I think my friend, like I think many others, experiences yoga (and related things like energy work) as a way to exercise a DEEPER control. “I am in control of all vibes around me, therefore everything is fine. All other perspectives are excluded.”
Now to be fair: my friend is not as openly political and a fan of terrible people as yours. They're more just, hostile and dismissive to what they view as idk liberal scolding, I guess? Any suggestion that we might be living in a less than ideal world. 🙃
OMG. I tell you, I have had to keep my head down out here in Los Angeles for a long time. When I moved in 2001, I had stars in my eyes, and there were a few teachers I put on pedestals along the way because I was young. Only one way for them to go, but at least I learned quickly.
But my gawd. I expect anyone who teaches to be “trying harder than anyone in the room”, y’know? I don’t mean the ankle behind your head part. I mean the philosophical part. Otherwise just like, teach a spin class or something and you can “only focus on your own life” when you’re not teaching if that’s how you want to be.
So many people just want to take the parts they like, and leave the rest these days, with pretty much everything. I guarantee if I grabbed ANY rally speech of the president’s and put it next to the 8 limbs of yoga and asked anyone, can you support the speech and adopt these principles simultaneously, the answer every time would be a resounding no. Good luck to “yoga teachers” who back this administration 🤷🏻♀️😳
Yes. In my religious tradition there's a saying that's basically like: only teach if you can withstand the scrutiny, because those who lead others poorly are THE WORST.
... something like that. 😆 I have fantasized about asking my friend to sit down and watch an entire rally/stump speech without talking or looking away, and then "tell me with a straight face that you believe this is okay." They won't, of course. Too invested in pretending that nothing bad is happening.
It’s so insane to me. It would be one thing if your “job” was like, “edgy” comic whose entire purpose in life was to make people wildly uncomfortable by testing the limits of the 1st Amendment. I would still not want to be friends, obviously, but if someone like that said they liked the president, I wouldn’t have my hair blown back by it. I’d think ah, got it. Basically you’re a racist, misogynistic, homophobe, and your “1st Amendment” schtick is cover so you can spew your poison.
But for someone to say I’m a yoga teacher and I like that guy and his policies? I just have to sit down and hold my head and contemplate life and wonder if my mother was right and I should have been a lawyer😂😵💫Because it’s just too ridiculous. The guy rambling on about Hannibal Lecter, telling young women to smile. That’s your guy? MATT.
And okay, I do not know what “theology beer camp”🍻is, but I’m now intrigued, and I guarantee this will not be the last retreat, so no worries there! I would love to meet you, though, so as long as that happens at some point, we’re good!
I’m a long-hauler classically. I hate goodbyes, and I treasure my friends. If I love you, I’ll stick around through thick and thin as long as there’s communication and respect and all that. But I can’t do this, and as much as it makes me sad, I’m also glad that I can’t. I’m sorry for your burnt bridges. It really hurts to lose a friend. I’m very glad you’re here, Andrew ❤️🩹
I'm "a good human being who [thinks] all people deserved to be treated with dignity and empathy." Sometimes I think that's the core of my stance on so many questions. So your piece got me thinking what it would take for *me* to flip on Trump, to favor this gaslighting narcissistic dumpster fire, to back the misogyny and naked racism, to listen to Charlie Kirk or Stephen Miller and nod along -- and there's nothing. There is no conceivable circumstance that could bend my conscience an inch in that direction.
So I have to conclude that that baseline of equable tolerance and empathy is not enough. What do I have *in addition to that*? What can I offer the boys in my life -- my grandsons, my nephews -- that could form a real bulwark against 'empathy for all' morphing into 'empathy for some', as it seems to have done in your former friend?
I have answers, which are probably for my own substack, I don't want to hijack yours. But thank you. These are vital challenges for white men to confront.
I appreciate your comments very much, because of course I look back now and wonder what I missed, or if something happened in the last five years or so that I don’t know about, or what. I cannot fathom it, but I am thankful your nephews and grandsons have you in their lives, John, and I’m grateful you are here 🙏🏼❤️🩹
Trump’s own behavior gives license to violence against women. Right now we are witnessing the hostile takeover of our government. We must all work together to stop this and remove him from office. Massive turnout at the midterms is the only nonviolent way we can help ourselves.
here's my approach to dealing with someone from a cult of cruelty: I leave. I block.Especially this type of character who's had a long history of women giving up their precious time and energy to listen -- these types think listening is agreement. I would have left the matcha too.
Yeah, I don’t know that there is a long history here, but as I mentioned, I haven’t spent nearly as much time with him in the last 5-6 years as I had before then. Certainly there wasn’t a long history of this with me, he was always liberal and kind-hearted and a friend to everyone. It’s very sad. I won’t be spending any further time, though, and I probably will block. It’s better than getting the texts and not responding.
I’m periodically forced to reinstate my boundaries with a person in my life who also thinks all this shit is fine and insists on discussing it with me.
See Ally, the problem is not that what’s happening is wrong and harmful to so many—the problem is that I disagree with it because ‘I don’t have all the facts.’ I’m misinformed and confused because I don’t get my news from 🦊— another “tell it like it is” wealth of knowledge and information. It’s all my fault because I’m just a stupid girl.
I’ve politely asked this person to not discuss politics with me, and he yet he continues. Even when I say repeatedly—I don’t want to talk about this with you, he keeps going. He keeps ignoring my request to stop and continues his mansplanation as if I don’t have eyeballs and can’t see how fucking bonkers and dangerous and sad it all is.
But that’s the mindset, isn’t it. I can do and say what I want. Your voice doesn’t matter. Your opinion and sense of safety don’t matter. All that matters is that I get what I want in all things. Your job is to just go along and smile pretty.
Thanks for once again articulating the experiences of so many of us. You’re brilliant and I appreciate you. ❤️
I had someone in my life like that for a while. A family friend who would tell me I was brainwashed by “legacy media” and I should check out Joe Rogan 🤣 Yeah. That’s what I should have done.
I also had to ask to be removed from one of the family chats. There are several. Obviously the whole family knows my politics, it’s not like I make a secret of them, so probably don’t put me on the group chat with MAGA Uncle Henry (not his name) and cousins Jake and Jonny (not their names), and then start talking about Nancy Pelosi and how much money she made trading stocks, because yes, $130 million is bad, and yes, none of them should do that shit, but we all KNOW I’m gonna drop that Trump billion dollar tracker in the thread. We know this. So let’s save us all the trouble.
I’d just like us to get out of this shit show and start building something good. You know? Something better, where people aren’t being left out in the cold. And we can have normal problems again. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK, KATE?
It is horrible when you realize a good friend is really a selfish mean person who doesn’t give a damn about others. It’s as if they were cosplaying being human. Hugs.
I believe this revelation is becoming more and more common.
I didn’t understand WWII etc before, the inhumanity seemed so unrealistically horrible. But now i think it’s just small selfish people being selfish.
It’s this weird thing of like, “I know that my beliefs are deeply offensive to you and cause your own daughter to be less safe and put you under greater financial stress and emotional stress because you are worried about so many people you care about and you have friends in the immigrant community who didn’t go to their kid’s high school graduation because they were worried about ICE and you’re also worried about the educational system and your teacher friends and your queer friends and the Constitution, and the erosion of our checks and balances, and if your son could possibly get drafted, and all this weird shit you shouldn’t have to think about, like whether you should pay out of pocket for a mammogram, and also the entire country and your kids’ future and climate change, but I want you to overlook all that, and just be my friend. Agree to disagree.”
Dude, what.
Like, it’s *almost* funny.
And yes, I know what you mean. I always remind myself a “society” is just a bunch of people. Just a bunch of flawed human beings. But it would be nice if more of them were like the comments section ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 Thanks for being here 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Again, Ally, you wrote what I would if I was able to. Thank you for being the human being that you are, for sharing your insights and gifts with the world and for being the lighthouse in this insane - and inane - timeline/world we are in. Your words ALWAY impact me with sadness, hope, anger, tears, awe... Blessing to you and yours. (btw - I love that you link articles/sites throughout your work.) love to you.
Sharon! Thank you so much. This message made me teary, and that's twice in an hour you did that! I don't know if you got my email, but I received the news that you're coming to the retreat while I was at the grocery store and started crying lol. I'm going to send you the registration link to the venue over messages here on Substack, and if you want me to send it to an email address, just let me know! I can't wait to meet you and your sister! Thank you for making my day, twice. <3
It’s such a terrible feeling, isn’t it? That liminal space before you’re fully awake, when those images start flooding in and your body fills with dread 😔 I will never do that again. Hugs to you xx
Absolutely, though I am not reading any books until I finish my memoir, I’m in the end stages so I’m locked in at the moment ❤️🫠
Thank you, thank you! There’s still going to be a monster edit, but that’s a different beast. I shall write back ❤️
I know entirely too many men who say he "tells it like it is" and it makes me angry. And then, pardon my anger, I see entirely too many people talking matriarchy in a country that voted for that orange psychopath man-child instead of a woman-not once but twice-and we're supposed to pretend a room full of women is going to happen? We need to deal with men like these first. Baby steps. Just like the ones women have been taking for a hundred years. Lord, you pushed a lot of hot buttons in this one. Well done, Ally
I’ll tell you, it’s one of the saddest, craziest things. If you’d asked me 10 years ago whether I’d thought this could happen to this guy I would have said no, but wow was I wrong. And “he tells it like it is”???
But the condescending texts are what got me. He’s preaching to me now about how I should be tolerant😵💫No. How bout that? No, I won’t be tolerant of your intolerance and I don’t want to come to your BBQ 🤷🏻♀️ And yes, down with these dudes first. Then matriarchy.
Thanks so much for being here, Linda!❤️❤️❤️
God almighty, Ally. THIS ONE. This is my father, through and through. Though he didn't change-- he is who he's always been. He's just become more calcified with age and now has the permission to be very clear and articulate about things he used to only "joke" about. He texted me about Kirk several times, out of the blue, to tell me how sad it was because he was such a great man of god and also how amazing his memorial service was, etc., etc., even though I have built a whole wall between us and adorned it with flashing lights and sirens anytime he broaches these topics (or any topics other than pets and pickleball), and he knows this. I just threw in the towel and called him and it was so, so bad. And heartbreaking, and personal, as you paint so beautifully here. Also, he kept asking if I could name one good thing Trump had done, and I refused, and he told me that he could name a good thing Obama had done. As if this refusal of mine was proof that I had my stubborn head up my ass, and not that I didn't want to play an antagonistic party game where I was now going to need to find a good thing Hitler had done, and Dommer too, and how about Ghangis Kahn? Surely these men had done one good thing, right? OMFG. How do we do this and NOT lose our cool? I could feel my heart beating in my eyeballs the whole time. Help. I would love to have a coffee and fury bond over this. Why are we so far apart?
It is so triggering when it’s family. We really do live too far apart, but I felt your comments in my bones, Kendall, and I’m so sorry. Those little games are infuriating. They’re like gotcha moments. “You won’t say something nice about the white supremacist I like, but I’ll say something nice about your guy, because I’m better than you and we’re gonna pretend my guy is normal and everything is normal.” Like, okkkkaaayyy.
I had to ask to be taken off the family text chat. One of them. Like, the whole family knows my politics. Don’t include me in the group text with the conservative cousins and aunt and uncle to talk politics. wtf. Are you intentionally trying to raise my blood pressure? lol. Anyway, it is rough and I’m sorry you know this pain. I’m sending you giant hugs through the ether, and a lot of love ❤️
This struck so many chords, Ally. I have a person in my life whom I have known since I was eight (that’s 61 years for those keeping track). We reconnected several years ago and hung out occasionally (BBQs, fly fishing). Not a lot of political talk but we knew we had grown to have different views. Then 2015 and that effing escalator and the subsequent years. My long-time friend would send homophobic and racist texts out of the blue. Blaming me and the “libtards” for the state of the U.S. Commented that he knew going to college would “mess” me up but didn’t realize how badly it would. I have texted him a few times about baseball and occasionally get one from him (he did text me condolences at my sister’s passing— our whole families had been close for decades). Anyway, too long of a comment to simply say that this whole post resonated so deeply.
It’s painful to lose people this way. And said because it’s not like any of us want this to happen. Most of us would love nothing more than for this not to be happening. But it’s that same old thing, it’s not a disagreement over what to have for dinner, these are fundamental, worldview things. I don’t think it’s possible to overlook this stuff, nor do I want to, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. Hugs to you, Vince ❤️🩹
YES ALLY. all of it. So good. Also LOL about freezing, fawning and adjusting eyeliner.
Grateful and sorry this resonated, Sharon, and 👁️🫣
I obviously relate to the "it was my job to regulate everyone's emotions at the expense of myself" piece of this, and it is only now at almost 45 years old that I officially QUIT THAT THANKLESS JOB. My circle, as a result, is smaller. But my self-respect is larger, and I choose to regulate my own emotions first, sorry not sorry.
I am so sorry about your friend -- I am dealing with this shit in my own life too and it sucks. Do not tell me that you "love" me if you voted against every single thing I stand for. That's not love. I don't know what it is, but it ain't love, and now you cannot be trusted and you can stay far the fuck away from me.
And, of course a MAN would be like "he tells it like it is!", because "like it is" serves men like him, and they refuse to consider that maybe it doesn't HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. UGHHHHHHH.
Yeah I have been giving a lot of thought to the whole situation, and the fact that he has to ask me in all sincerity “how this is really affecting my life, personally” is all I need to know. It’s such a bummer. But like you, I have reached the point in my life (finally) where I just will not deplete myself for anyone who does not recognize me as a full human being in the polling booth, but then wants my full attention in their lives. I’m saving my attention for people whose love is evident, not twisted and weird. Hugs and love to you, my friend. Cheers to better days ❤️🩹
People like your friend (and, I fear, one of my close ones) are checking out of being human. There is a level at which I understand the impulse, because being a person of empathy and respect for humanity at the end of (the world) (an era, is that more hopeful?) is grindingly painful. Holding the public position of "These various horrible violations aren't wrong, they're RIGHT!" is self-soothing I think, for a lot of people. They're really telling themselves that NOTHING is wrong, that "all is well!", that "this is fine"... bc, to really look and really see, really think and really feel, feels like it would destroy them.
I think that's what much of it is with my friend, anyway. Obviously all MMV. Thank you as always, Ally.
That’s an interesting take and maybe that’s part of it for him, I’ll think on that. It’s all so odd because he’s a YOGA TEACHER. I have a very hard time (strike that) impossible time marrying those two things together. I just cannot make it make sense.
I’m sorry about your friend, too. It’s painful. Thanks for being here, Matt, I really appreciate you❤️🩹
SO IS MINE. I am not a yoga person; I know that you are; it is my assumption that if I were, I would experience yoga as a way to LET GO of my need to control.
I think my friend, like I think many others, experiences yoga (and related things like energy work) as a way to exercise a DEEPER control. “I am in control of all vibes around me, therefore everything is fine. All other perspectives are excluded.”
Now to be fair: my friend is not as openly political and a fan of terrible people as yours. They're more just, hostile and dismissive to what they view as idk liberal scolding, I guess? Any suggestion that we might be living in a less than ideal world. 🙃
OMG. I tell you, I have had to keep my head down out here in Los Angeles for a long time. When I moved in 2001, I had stars in my eyes, and there were a few teachers I put on pedestals along the way because I was young. Only one way for them to go, but at least I learned quickly.
But my gawd. I expect anyone who teaches to be “trying harder than anyone in the room”, y’know? I don’t mean the ankle behind your head part. I mean the philosophical part. Otherwise just like, teach a spin class or something and you can “only focus on your own life” when you’re not teaching if that’s how you want to be.
So many people just want to take the parts they like, and leave the rest these days, with pretty much everything. I guarantee if I grabbed ANY rally speech of the president’s and put it next to the 8 limbs of yoga and asked anyone, can you support the speech and adopt these principles simultaneously, the answer every time would be a resounding no. Good luck to “yoga teachers” who back this administration 🤷🏻♀️😳
Yes. In my religious tradition there's a saying that's basically like: only teach if you can withstand the scrutiny, because those who lead others poorly are THE WORST.
... something like that. 😆 I have fantasized about asking my friend to sit down and watch an entire rally/stump speech without talking or looking away, and then "tell me with a straight face that you believe this is okay." They won't, of course. Too invested in pretending that nothing bad is happening.
It’s so insane to me. It would be one thing if your “job” was like, “edgy” comic whose entire purpose in life was to make people wildly uncomfortable by testing the limits of the 1st Amendment. I would still not want to be friends, obviously, but if someone like that said they liked the president, I wouldn’t have my hair blown back by it. I’d think ah, got it. Basically you’re a racist, misogynistic, homophobe, and your “1st Amendment” schtick is cover so you can spew your poison.
But for someone to say I’m a yoga teacher and I like that guy and his policies? I just have to sit down and hold my head and contemplate life and wonder if my mother was right and I should have been a lawyer😂😵💫Because it’s just too ridiculous. The guy rambling on about Hannibal Lecter, telling young women to smile. That’s your guy? MATT.
That funeral😳🫣
And okay, I do not know what “theology beer camp”🍻is, but I’m now intrigued, and I guarantee this will not be the last retreat, so no worries there! I would love to meet you, though, so as long as that happens at some point, we’re good!
We'll make it happen. You're building something here, i think.
Idk what theology beer camp is either. Craft beer and diana butler bass, evidently. 😊
https://theologybeer.camp/home
Many bridges burned in my past, but I was not always the one who struck the match...
I’m a long-hauler classically. I hate goodbyes, and I treasure my friends. If I love you, I’ll stick around through thick and thin as long as there’s communication and respect and all that. But I can’t do this, and as much as it makes me sad, I’m also glad that I can’t. I’m sorry for your burnt bridges. It really hurts to lose a friend. I’m very glad you’re here, Andrew ❤️🩹
👏👏👏💖💕
⚔️⚔️⚔️❤️❤️🔥
I'm "a good human being who [thinks] all people deserved to be treated with dignity and empathy." Sometimes I think that's the core of my stance on so many questions. So your piece got me thinking what it would take for *me* to flip on Trump, to favor this gaslighting narcissistic dumpster fire, to back the misogyny and naked racism, to listen to Charlie Kirk or Stephen Miller and nod along -- and there's nothing. There is no conceivable circumstance that could bend my conscience an inch in that direction.
So I have to conclude that that baseline of equable tolerance and empathy is not enough. What do I have *in addition to that*? What can I offer the boys in my life -- my grandsons, my nephews -- that could form a real bulwark against 'empathy for all' morphing into 'empathy for some', as it seems to have done in your former friend?
I have answers, which are probably for my own substack, I don't want to hijack yours. But thank you. These are vital challenges for white men to confront.
I appreciate your comments very much, because of course I look back now and wonder what I missed, or if something happened in the last five years or so that I don’t know about, or what. I cannot fathom it, but I am thankful your nephews and grandsons have you in their lives, John, and I’m grateful you are here 🙏🏼❤️🩹
Trump’s own behavior gives license to violence against women. Right now we are witnessing the hostile takeover of our government. We must all work together to stop this and remove him from office. Massive turnout at the midterms is the only nonviolent way we can help ourselves.
Couldn’t agree more, John. Can’t happen fast enough.❤️🔥
here's my approach to dealing with someone from a cult of cruelty: I leave. I block.Especially this type of character who's had a long history of women giving up their precious time and energy to listen -- these types think listening is agreement. I would have left the matcha too.
Yeah, I don’t know that there is a long history here, but as I mentioned, I haven’t spent nearly as much time with him in the last 5-6 years as I had before then. Certainly there wasn’t a long history of this with me, he was always liberal and kind-hearted and a friend to everyone. It’s very sad. I won’t be spending any further time, though, and I probably will block. It’s better than getting the texts and not responding.
Now I want a matcha latte🙃
This was a cri de coeur we all feel so much. Next to America Ferreira’s speech in Barbie. No notes.
I didn’t respond to the text, but also, I guess I did lol. Thank you, Ellen, I appreciate you so much.
I’m periodically forced to reinstate my boundaries with a person in my life who also thinks all this shit is fine and insists on discussing it with me.
See Ally, the problem is not that what’s happening is wrong and harmful to so many—the problem is that I disagree with it because ‘I don’t have all the facts.’ I’m misinformed and confused because I don’t get my news from 🦊— another “tell it like it is” wealth of knowledge and information. It’s all my fault because I’m just a stupid girl.
I’ve politely asked this person to not discuss politics with me, and he yet he continues. Even when I say repeatedly—I don’t want to talk about this with you, he keeps going. He keeps ignoring my request to stop and continues his mansplanation as if I don’t have eyeballs and can’t see how fucking bonkers and dangerous and sad it all is.
But that’s the mindset, isn’t it. I can do and say what I want. Your voice doesn’t matter. Your opinion and sense of safety don’t matter. All that matters is that I get what I want in all things. Your job is to just go along and smile pretty.
Thanks for once again articulating the experiences of so many of us. You’re brilliant and I appreciate you. ❤️
I had someone in my life like that for a while. A family friend who would tell me I was brainwashed by “legacy media” and I should check out Joe Rogan 🤣 Yeah. That’s what I should have done.
I also had to ask to be removed from one of the family chats. There are several. Obviously the whole family knows my politics, it’s not like I make a secret of them, so probably don’t put me on the group chat with MAGA Uncle Henry (not his name) and cousins Jake and Jonny (not their names), and then start talking about Nancy Pelosi and how much money she made trading stocks, because yes, $130 million is bad, and yes, none of them should do that shit, but we all KNOW I’m gonna drop that Trump billion dollar tracker in the thread. We know this. So let’s save us all the trouble.
I’d just like us to get out of this shit show and start building something good. You know? Something better, where people aren’t being left out in the cold. And we can have normal problems again. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK, KATE?
It is horrible when you realize a good friend is really a selfish mean person who doesn’t give a damn about others. It’s as if they were cosplaying being human. Hugs.
I believe this revelation is becoming more and more common.
I didn’t understand WWII etc before, the inhumanity seemed so unrealistically horrible. But now i think it’s just small selfish people being selfish.
It’s this weird thing of like, “I know that my beliefs are deeply offensive to you and cause your own daughter to be less safe and put you under greater financial stress and emotional stress because you are worried about so many people you care about and you have friends in the immigrant community who didn’t go to their kid’s high school graduation because they were worried about ICE and you’re also worried about the educational system and your teacher friends and your queer friends and the Constitution, and the erosion of our checks and balances, and if your son could possibly get drafted, and all this weird shit you shouldn’t have to think about, like whether you should pay out of pocket for a mammogram, and also the entire country and your kids’ future and climate change, but I want you to overlook all that, and just be my friend. Agree to disagree.”
Dude, what.
Like, it’s *almost* funny.
And yes, I know what you mean. I always remind myself a “society” is just a bunch of people. Just a bunch of flawed human beings. But it would be nice if more of them were like the comments section ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 Thanks for being here 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Again, Ally, you wrote what I would if I was able to. Thank you for being the human being that you are, for sharing your insights and gifts with the world and for being the lighthouse in this insane - and inane - timeline/world we are in. Your words ALWAY impact me with sadness, hope, anger, tears, awe... Blessing to you and yours. (btw - I love that you link articles/sites throughout your work.) love to you.
Sharon! Thank you so much. This message made me teary, and that's twice in an hour you did that! I don't know if you got my email, but I received the news that you're coming to the retreat while I was at the grocery store and started crying lol. I'm going to send you the registration link to the venue over messages here on Substack, and if you want me to send it to an email address, just let me know! I can't wait to meet you and your sister! Thank you for making my day, twice. <3