One thing I dislike with the heat of a thousand suns is the feeling that arises when someone says they love you, but wants you to stand in a field of horse manure and pretend it smells like roses.
I know entirely too many men who say he "tells it like it is" and it makes me angry. And then, pardon my anger, I see entirely too many people talking matriarchy in a country that voted for that orange psychopath man-child instead of a woman-not once but twice-and we're supposed to pretend a room full of women is going to happen? We need to deal with men like these first. Baby steps. Just like the ones women have been taking for a hundred years. Lord, you pushed a lot of hot buttons in this one. Well done, Ally
I’ll tell you, it’s one of the saddest, craziest things. If you’d asked me 10 years ago whether I’d thought this could happen to this guy I would have said no, but wow was I wrong. And “he tells it like it is”???
But the condescending texts are what got me. He’s preaching to me now about how I should be tolerant😵💫No. How bout that? No, I won’t be tolerant of your intolerance and I don’t want to come to your BBQ 🤷🏻♀️ And yes, down with these dudes first. Then matriarchy.
God almighty, Ally. THIS ONE. This is my father, through and through. Though he didn't change-- he is who he's always been. He's just become more calcified with age and now has the permission to be very clear and articulate about things he used to only "joke" about. He texted me about Kirk several times, out of the blue, to tell me how sad it was because he was such a great man of god and also how amazing his memorial service was, etc., etc., even though I have built a whole wall between us and adorned it with flashing lights and sirens anytime he broaches these topics (or any topics other than pets and pickleball), and he knows this. I just threw in the towel and called him and it was so, so bad. And heartbreaking, and personal, as you paint so beautifully here. Also, he kept asking if I could name one good thing Trump had done, and I refused, and he told me that he could name a good thing Obama had done. As if this refusal of mine was proof that I had my stubborn head up my ass, and not that I didn't want to play an antagonistic party game where I was now going to need to find a good thing Hitler had done, and Dommer too, and how about Ghangis Kahn? Surely these men had done one good thing, right? OMFG. How do we do this and NOT lose our cool? I could feel my heart beating in my eyeballs the whole time. Help. I would love to have a coffee and fury bond over this. Why are we so far apart?
It is so triggering when it’s family. We really do live too far apart, but I felt your comments in my bones, Kendall, and I’m so sorry. Those little games are infuriating. They’re like gotcha moments. “You won’t say something nice about the white supremacist I like, but I’ll say something nice about your guy, because I’m better than you and we’re gonna pretend my guy is normal and everything is normal.” Like, okkkkaaayyy.
I had to ask to be taken off the family text chat. One of them. Like, the whole family knows my politics. Don’t include me in the group text with the conservative cousins and aunt and uncle to talk politics. wtf. Are you intentionally trying to raise my blood pressure? lol. Anyway, it is rough and I’m sorry you know this pain. I’m sending you giant hugs through the ether, and a lot of love ❤️
This struck so many chords, Ally. I have a person in my life whom I have known since I was eight (that’s 61 years for those keeping track). We reconnected several years ago and hung out occasionally (BBQs, fly fishing). Not a lot of political talk but we knew we had grown to have different views. Then 2015 and that effing escalator and the subsequent years. My long-time friend would send homophobic and racist texts out of the blue. Blaming me and the “libtards” for the state of the U.S. Commented that he knew going to college would “mess” me up but didn’t realize how badly it would. I have texted him a few times about baseball and occasionally get one from him (he did text me condolences at my sister’s passing— our whole families had been close for decades). Anyway, too long of a comment to simply say that this whole post resonated so deeply.
It’s painful to lose people this way. And said because it’s not like any of us want this to happen. Most of us would love nothing more than for this not to be happening. But it’s that same old thing, it’s not a disagreement over what to have for dinner, these are fundamental, worldview things. I don’t think it’s possible to overlook this stuff, nor do I want to, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. Hugs to you, Vince ❤️🩹
I obviously relate to the "it was my job to regulate everyone's emotions at the expense of myself" piece of this, and it is only now at almost 45 years old that I officially QUIT THAT THANKLESS JOB. My circle, as a result, is smaller. But my self-respect is larger, and I choose to regulate my own emotions first, sorry not sorry.
I am so sorry about your friend -- I am dealing with this shit in my own life too and it sucks. Do not tell me that you "love" me if you voted against every single thing I stand for. That's not love. I don't know what it is, but it ain't love, and now you cannot be trusted and you can stay far the fuck away from me.
And, of course a MAN would be like "he tells it like it is!", because "like it is" serves men like him, and they refuse to consider that maybe it doesn't HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. UGHHHHHHH.
People like your friend (and, I fear, one of my close ones) are checking out of being human. There is a level at which I understand the impulse, because being a person of empathy and respect for humanity at the end of (the world) (an era, is that more hopeful?) is grindingly painful. Holding the public position of "These various horrible violations aren't wrong, they're RIGHT!" is self-soothing I think, for a lot of people. They're really telling themselves that NOTHING is wrong, that "all is well!", that "this is fine"... bc, to really look and really see, really think and really feel, feels like it would destroy them.
I think that's what much of it is with my friend, anyway. Obviously all MMV. Thank you as always, Ally.
That’s an interesting take and maybe that’s part of it for him, I’ll think on that. It’s all so odd because he’s a YOGA TEACHER. I have a very hard time (strike that) impossible time marrying those two things together. I just cannot make it make sense.
I’m sorry about your friend, too. It’s painful. Thanks for being here, Matt, I really appreciate you❤️🩹
SO IS MINE. I am not a yoga person; I know that you are; it is my assumption that if I were, I would experience yoga as a way to LET GO of my need to control.
I think my friend, like I think many others, experiences yoga (and related things like energy work) as a way to exercise a DEEPER control. “I am in control of all vibes around me, therefore everything is fine. All other perspectives are excluded.”
Now to be fair: my friend is not as openly political and a fan of terrible people as yours. They're more just, hostile and dismissive to what they view as idk liberal scolding, I guess? Any suggestion that we might be living in a less than ideal world. 🙃
I'm "a good human being who [thinks] all people deserved to be treated with dignity and empathy." Sometimes I think that's the core of my stance on so many questions. So your piece got me thinking what it would take for *me* to flip on Trump, to favor this gaslighting narcissistic dumpster fire, to back the misogyny and naked racism, to listen to Charlie Kirk or Stephen Miller and nod along -- and there's nothing. There is no conceivable circumstance that could bend my conscience an inch in that direction.
So I have to conclude that that baseline of equable tolerance and empathy is not enough. What do I have *in addition to that*? What can I offer the boys in my life -- my grandsons, my nephews -- that could form a real bulwark against 'empathy for all' morphing into 'empathy for some', as it seems to have done in your former friend?
I have answers, which are probably for my own substack, I don't want to hijack yours. But thank you. These are vital challenges for white men to confront.
Trump’s own behavior gives license to violence against women. Right now we are witnessing the hostile takeover of our government. We must all work together to stop this and remove him from office. Massive turnout at the midterms is the only nonviolent way we can help ourselves.
here's my approach to dealing with someone from a cult of cruelty: I leave. I block.Especially this type of character who's had a long history of women giving up their precious time and energy to listen -- these types think listening is agreement. I would have left the matcha too.
I’m periodically forced to reinstate my boundaries with a person in my life who also thinks all this shit is fine and insists on discussing it with me.
See Ally, the problem is not that what’s happening is wrong and harmful to so many—the problem is that I disagree with it because ‘I don’t have all the facts.’ I’m misinformed and confused because I don’t get my news from 🦊— another “tell it like it is” wealth of knowledge and information. It’s all my fault because I’m just a stupid girl.
I’ve politely asked this person to not discuss politics with me, and he yet he continues. Even when I say repeatedly—I don’t want to talk about this with you, he keeps going. He keeps ignoring my request to stop and continues his mansplanation as if I don’t have eyeballs and can’t see how fucking bonkers and dangerous and sad it all is.
But that’s the mindset, isn’t it. I can do and say what I want. Your voice doesn’t matter. Your opinion and sense of safety don’t matter. All that matters is that I get what I want in all things. Your job is to just go along and smile pretty.
Thanks for once again articulating the experiences of so many of us. You’re brilliant and I appreciate you. ❤️
It is horrible when you realize a good friend is really a selfish mean person who doesn’t give a damn about others. It’s as if they were cosplaying being human. Hugs.
I believe this revelation is becoming more and more common.
I didn’t understand WWII etc before, the inhumanity seemed so unrealistically horrible. But now i think it’s just small selfish people being selfish.
I know entirely too many men who say he "tells it like it is" and it makes me angry. And then, pardon my anger, I see entirely too many people talking matriarchy in a country that voted for that orange psychopath man-child instead of a woman-not once but twice-and we're supposed to pretend a room full of women is going to happen? We need to deal with men like these first. Baby steps. Just like the ones women have been taking for a hundred years. Lord, you pushed a lot of hot buttons in this one. Well done, Ally
I’ll tell you, it’s one of the saddest, craziest things. If you’d asked me 10 years ago whether I’d thought this could happen to this guy I would have said no, but wow was I wrong. And “he tells it like it is”???
But the condescending texts are what got me. He’s preaching to me now about how I should be tolerant😵💫No. How bout that? No, I won’t be tolerant of your intolerance and I don’t want to come to your BBQ 🤷🏻♀️ And yes, down with these dudes first. Then matriarchy.
Thanks so much for being here, Linda!❤️❤️❤️
God almighty, Ally. THIS ONE. This is my father, through and through. Though he didn't change-- he is who he's always been. He's just become more calcified with age and now has the permission to be very clear and articulate about things he used to only "joke" about. He texted me about Kirk several times, out of the blue, to tell me how sad it was because he was such a great man of god and also how amazing his memorial service was, etc., etc., even though I have built a whole wall between us and adorned it with flashing lights and sirens anytime he broaches these topics (or any topics other than pets and pickleball), and he knows this. I just threw in the towel and called him and it was so, so bad. And heartbreaking, and personal, as you paint so beautifully here. Also, he kept asking if I could name one good thing Trump had done, and I refused, and he told me that he could name a good thing Obama had done. As if this refusal of mine was proof that I had my stubborn head up my ass, and not that I didn't want to play an antagonistic party game where I was now going to need to find a good thing Hitler had done, and Dommer too, and how about Ghangis Kahn? Surely these men had done one good thing, right? OMFG. How do we do this and NOT lose our cool? I could feel my heart beating in my eyeballs the whole time. Help. I would love to have a coffee and fury bond over this. Why are we so far apart?
It is so triggering when it’s family. We really do live too far apart, but I felt your comments in my bones, Kendall, and I’m so sorry. Those little games are infuriating. They’re like gotcha moments. “You won’t say something nice about the white supremacist I like, but I’ll say something nice about your guy, because I’m better than you and we’re gonna pretend my guy is normal and everything is normal.” Like, okkkkaaayyy.
I had to ask to be taken off the family text chat. One of them. Like, the whole family knows my politics. Don’t include me in the group text with the conservative cousins and aunt and uncle to talk politics. wtf. Are you intentionally trying to raise my blood pressure? lol. Anyway, it is rough and I’m sorry you know this pain. I’m sending you giant hugs through the ether, and a lot of love ❤️
This struck so many chords, Ally. I have a person in my life whom I have known since I was eight (that’s 61 years for those keeping track). We reconnected several years ago and hung out occasionally (BBQs, fly fishing). Not a lot of political talk but we knew we had grown to have different views. Then 2015 and that effing escalator and the subsequent years. My long-time friend would send homophobic and racist texts out of the blue. Blaming me and the “libtards” for the state of the U.S. Commented that he knew going to college would “mess” me up but didn’t realize how badly it would. I have texted him a few times about baseball and occasionally get one from him (he did text me condolences at my sister’s passing— our whole families had been close for decades). Anyway, too long of a comment to simply say that this whole post resonated so deeply.
It’s painful to lose people this way. And said because it’s not like any of us want this to happen. Most of us would love nothing more than for this not to be happening. But it’s that same old thing, it’s not a disagreement over what to have for dinner, these are fundamental, worldview things. I don’t think it’s possible to overlook this stuff, nor do I want to, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. Hugs to you, Vince ❤️🩹
YES ALLY. all of it. So good. Also LOL about freezing, fawning and adjusting eyeliner.
Grateful and sorry this resonated, Sharon, and 👁️🫣
I obviously relate to the "it was my job to regulate everyone's emotions at the expense of myself" piece of this, and it is only now at almost 45 years old that I officially QUIT THAT THANKLESS JOB. My circle, as a result, is smaller. But my self-respect is larger, and I choose to regulate my own emotions first, sorry not sorry.
I am so sorry about your friend -- I am dealing with this shit in my own life too and it sucks. Do not tell me that you "love" me if you voted against every single thing I stand for. That's not love. I don't know what it is, but it ain't love, and now you cannot be trusted and you can stay far the fuck away from me.
And, of course a MAN would be like "he tells it like it is!", because "like it is" serves men like him, and they refuse to consider that maybe it doesn't HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. UGHHHHHHH.
People like your friend (and, I fear, one of my close ones) are checking out of being human. There is a level at which I understand the impulse, because being a person of empathy and respect for humanity at the end of (the world) (an era, is that more hopeful?) is grindingly painful. Holding the public position of "These various horrible violations aren't wrong, they're RIGHT!" is self-soothing I think, for a lot of people. They're really telling themselves that NOTHING is wrong, that "all is well!", that "this is fine"... bc, to really look and really see, really think and really feel, feels like it would destroy them.
I think that's what much of it is with my friend, anyway. Obviously all MMV. Thank you as always, Ally.
That’s an interesting take and maybe that’s part of it for him, I’ll think on that. It’s all so odd because he’s a YOGA TEACHER. I have a very hard time (strike that) impossible time marrying those two things together. I just cannot make it make sense.
I’m sorry about your friend, too. It’s painful. Thanks for being here, Matt, I really appreciate you❤️🩹
SO IS MINE. I am not a yoga person; I know that you are; it is my assumption that if I were, I would experience yoga as a way to LET GO of my need to control.
I think my friend, like I think many others, experiences yoga (and related things like energy work) as a way to exercise a DEEPER control. “I am in control of all vibes around me, therefore everything is fine. All other perspectives are excluded.”
Now to be fair: my friend is not as openly political and a fan of terrible people as yours. They're more just, hostile and dismissive to what they view as idk liberal scolding, I guess? Any suggestion that we might be living in a less than ideal world. 🙃
Many bridges burned in my past, but I was not always the one who struck the match...
👏👏👏💖💕
I'm "a good human being who [thinks] all people deserved to be treated with dignity and empathy." Sometimes I think that's the core of my stance on so many questions. So your piece got me thinking what it would take for *me* to flip on Trump, to favor this gaslighting narcissistic dumpster fire, to back the misogyny and naked racism, to listen to Charlie Kirk or Stephen Miller and nod along -- and there's nothing. There is no conceivable circumstance that could bend my conscience an inch in that direction.
So I have to conclude that that baseline of equable tolerance and empathy is not enough. What do I have *in addition to that*? What can I offer the boys in my life -- my grandsons, my nephews -- that could form a real bulwark against 'empathy for all' morphing into 'empathy for some', as it seems to have done in your former friend?
I have answers, which are probably for my own substack, I don't want to hijack yours. But thank you. These are vital challenges for white men to confront.
Trump’s own behavior gives license to violence against women. Right now we are witnessing the hostile takeover of our government. We must all work together to stop this and remove him from office. Massive turnout at the midterms is the only nonviolent way we can help ourselves.
here's my approach to dealing with someone from a cult of cruelty: I leave. I block.Especially this type of character who's had a long history of women giving up their precious time and energy to listen -- these types think listening is agreement. I would have left the matcha too.
This was a cri de coeur we all feel so much. Next to America Ferreira’s speech in Barbie. No notes.
I’m periodically forced to reinstate my boundaries with a person in my life who also thinks all this shit is fine and insists on discussing it with me.
See Ally, the problem is not that what’s happening is wrong and harmful to so many—the problem is that I disagree with it because ‘I don’t have all the facts.’ I’m misinformed and confused because I don’t get my news from 🦊— another “tell it like it is” wealth of knowledge and information. It’s all my fault because I’m just a stupid girl.
I’ve politely asked this person to not discuss politics with me, and he yet he continues. Even when I say repeatedly—I don’t want to talk about this with you, he keeps going. He keeps ignoring my request to stop and continues his mansplanation as if I don’t have eyeballs and can’t see how fucking bonkers and dangerous and sad it all is.
But that’s the mindset, isn’t it. I can do and say what I want. Your voice doesn’t matter. Your opinion and sense of safety don’t matter. All that matters is that I get what I want in all things. Your job is to just go along and smile pretty.
Thanks for once again articulating the experiences of so many of us. You’re brilliant and I appreciate you. ❤️
It is horrible when you realize a good friend is really a selfish mean person who doesn’t give a damn about others. It’s as if they were cosplaying being human. Hugs.
I believe this revelation is becoming more and more common.
I didn’t understand WWII etc before, the inhumanity seemed so unrealistically horrible. But now i think it’s just small selfish people being selfish.