Oh Ally, I felt this in my bones. So much of my life has been in sixth gear, remaining calm in the face of total chaos. Leading a “no forks in the sink” life, forever preparing for the next storm. I cried on the phone with my mother recently and she told me she had never heard me cry. In 58 years. I wanted to scream “it was never an option!” I just replied, “yeah, I’m human now”.
I hear you on watching “Handmaid’s Tale” and wanting to see a little more action…more of a French fuck this we’re not working today, people have the power kind of energy. I have to believe the sane will eventually prevail. These delulu fuckers cannot remain in power. But it’s hard to see all the corks pile up.
As always, fierce and outstanding writing, my dear. Sending love ❤️
I think the gaslighting is particularly tough for those of us who grew up with it, too. It's one of the reasons I need to call things what they are, as I see them, and it's why I find it so reassuring when other people are looking at the same thing and drawing similar conclusions. I didn't write about it in this essay, but dealing with all that and then having my mom look me in the eye and tell me she did *not* have a drinking problem, often the day after a horrific night - it was a lot. She'd say it like a dare, too, like I fucking dare you to challenge me on that. Which, no thanks. Let's just go with your assertion that everything is cool. None of her friends would back me up, either, but to be fair, most of them only saw her sloppy, not violent. Anyhoo. It's very hard for me to see things like Musk in the Treasury with these kids for example, and to have all the 47 supporters act like it's just fine and he's just looking for fraud and abuse. With 6 kids. One named Big Balls. Give me a fucking break. I'm venting to the choir, Eileen.
And yes, I just responded to a request for a donation from the Harris team with a no, and a why. It won't matter, I'm sure I'll get some bounce-back email, but I really laid it out. I want some serious leadership here. I want to see every single senator and congressperson fighting back in every single way, every single day. I want an action plan. I want to see these people showing up in school board meetings, I want them in front of abortion clinics talking about abortion rights, I want someone in Georgia talking about women getting arrested for having miscarriages. I want them talking about the SAVE Act and this stupid 5k bonus for birthing a baby and the hidden discrimination against the LGBTQ community with their 30% fellowship allocation. I want them to think about what would be happening if Obama was doing these things...and that's what I want to see.
A full-on united front of non-stop fighting back, along with some fucking direction here. They should fill in the blanks everywhere this administration is failing. I told you I got the titer test for measles and had zero immunity? I needed the MMR vaccine. Two of my friends the same age needed boosters. Our director of HHS is a lunatic. How about tell everyone to get titer tests. Tell everyone we don't test milk anymore. Tell everyone we had an E. Coli outbreak and no one talked about it. How about a short-term general strike? We can't afford a long one in this effed up economy, but short ones are effective, too. Or maybe that's a bad idea, but ffs give us some direction if you want us to give you money. Where is Project 2029? Where is the plan to fight for our democracy tooth and nail?
Anyway. It made me feel better to say it even if that's the only benefit that comes of it :) Hugs and love, hope to get to say hi to you and Kari tomorrow!
So grateful that you wrote this, that you are so damned articulate and eloquent, and that I was lucky enough to find my way to your Substack. I've now read and re-read this, and am saving it so I can turn back to it when I need a reminder about that sixth gear, which in my life has been a blessing and a curse. I applaud your aplomb, Ally, and your ability to notice situations, and people in need, and reach out a hand. And to listen to that doctor who told you to sit down after you willed yourself to stay present for your daughter. I love how you mixed the profoundly personal with the very public coup (a new kind of selfie, I suppose). You're right, of course, nobody knows what to do, not in full. But what we're doing so far is working some, and the courts are working as they should, for the most part, and we're past the starting gate in terms of resistance. That's a good thing. Remember that it's not even 100 days, and we're getting our collective shit together. Much of the time, with inspiration from people like you who speak truth, who take risks, and who act instead of acting like ostriches. Brava to you!
Oh Audrey, I'm glad you found your way here, too. I do try to remember it hasn't been very long (even though it feels endless), and I do think there are a lot of people who are still dealing with some shock because it's all happened so fast. I know some of the resistance is working, and I hope with my entire self that we'll continue to find ways to fight back and the momentum will grow and we'll come through this nightmare and out the other side of it with more insight and empathy and strength. And a clearer vision of how to be there for each other so nothing like this ever happens again. But sometimes I am scared and enraged and heartbroken that this is where we are, and I don't know if there are more things I could be doing. I wish I knew. It certainly helps to connect with everyone here, and to have what feels like a group hug. I'm sending you so much love.
I was always voted the person everyone wanted to be charge when we have active shooter drills at work. I am who my med school friend called when she accidentally cut herself down to the bone. There's only been one person in my life to be that person for me, and he died ten years ago. I like that part of me, but I'm tired, too. This thing we're living through, sadly I don't believe it will swing back without a violent clash, but I do take heart in the face that easily 30% of eligible registered voters didn't vote. If we can motive them...
Years ago I took my kids to the pediatrician. We all had some awful chest cold, fever thing. He had the kids on the table, they were really little, maybe not quite two and four and I was exhausted and so sick. Single mom. He looked at me and asked if I was going to the doctor, too, and I said no, I was going to ride it out. The thought of dragging the kids to my doctor was just not appealing at all. Anyway the next day he called - Dr. Edward Malphus. I started to tell him how the kids were doing, and he stopped me. He said, "I called to check on you." I started crying then, and I'm writing through tears now. It was such a kind thing to do, and one of those things I won't ever forget. It's hard to be "that person" all the time, and even having someone see that is astounding when you just accept it as the way things are. So maybe I will say I see you, Jodi <3
And yes, I do try to hold out hope that as time goes on more people who weren't engaged might become engaged. I try to hold out hope and hold onto hope any way I can. Sending you tons of love. Thanks for being one of the reasons I feel hopeful today x
Omg. At the ER with your daughter. I virtually relived seeing things in the ER happen to your child that no mother should ever have to see - only over and over again. You see my son was very ill - he has since passed away - but he literally was in the ER every other week intubated because his lungs were failing. The docs asked me to leave while they worked on him. I said no. I’m here for him and he’s not going to see fear in my eyes while they work on saving his life again. And again. I’ve seen things…. And what you described about your experiences and staying calm because you have seen the worst? I get that at a gut level. Thanks for writing this. I never wanted to be that person- nor did you - but our life experiences had different plans for us. Hugs.
Oh Christine, I am so sorry. So sorry. I want to rage at the skies for you. I am sorry you have to make space in your heart for that kind of grief and loss and anguish along with all the enormous love you have for your son. I hope there are also a lot of beautiful memories. I know what those hospital images are, I know how they can haunt you. I spent the last month of my mother's life in the ICU with her, she had ALS. She ended up on a ventilator and then a bipap machine. I never left her side, and I will never regret that, but there is a trauma to living with those images. I hope your good, loving memories far outnumber the hospital images. I hope you have some peace knowing you stayed and loved him fiercely through every second. You're the best kind of mom. You were a warrior when you needed to be, I just wish you didn't need to be. I'm sending you so much love. And if you want to share about your boy, I would love that. His name, or what he loved, or anything at all. Only if you want to, of course. I'm sending love to him, too.
Oh Ally. This made me cry. Thank you so much! He was fabulous boy - his name was David after his grandfather - and he was well known and loved in the bass fishing industry. He was a fishin fool and started the first Bass fishing club at his college Texas State University. He made a huge name for himself and live and loved hard before he passed. He put a lot of miles on his body and died having lived his heart out. We love and miss him daily. Xoxo!
Well, I am in tears now, too. He sounds like the absolute best. I hope wherever he is the bass are jumping, the sun is shining, and he’s sending us some love from his huge heart. I hope he’s feeling the love, too. And thank you for sharing a little of your David with us, Christine. I’m so glad you’re here <3
the weaving in of your childhood repeated traumas, from adults who should have kept you safe, not teach you the sixth way of response under stress (which yes - kicks in with me too in extreme stress, despite a much more loving and healthy upbringing than your own)
the generosity to the bicycle boy and the old man
the wisdom for your people, and of course, the world's people
Thank you for all of this
with love and admiration from a little pocket of France
Emma, thank you so much. I've been trying to get my head around what it is I'm feeling, and what it is I think other people are feeling here, and I think it's this. Just shock and grief and this surreal slowing down and speeding up of time. Not knowing exactly where you should be or what you should be doing, except for the things that are clear. Anyway, thank you for your kind words, and thank you for the love from France. My gosh do we need it, and I appreciate it very much <3
I hate that this was your reality — you were just a kid. Someone should have been protecting you and I’m sorry the people you relied on to do that let you down so spectacularly.
As is the way with the shit that fucked us up the most, it’s also the thing that saves our lives. And often, other people’s lives.
I don’t know why we’re letting this slow boil us into our own demise. But it’s people like you that make me want to keep fighting. No matter what.
Thanks for always telling the truth. Even the hard truth. You’re a phenomenal fucking writer and person.
Honestly don’t know what I would have done without you these last several months. You’re one of the few people who make me feel like we’re going to be okay somehow or another, and I swear if it comes down to it I’m getting in my car and grabbing you and Riggs. Until then we just fight the good fight and laugh the good laugh when we can.
And your writing saves me multiple times a week, Kate. But you know that🤍
Loved this…absolutely brilliant and you nailed this moment that is so hard to describe and that all of us who’ve been in bad situations just know in our bones.
Thank you so much. I wasn't able to put my finger on what it is I've been feeling until this week. Just recognizing it helps a little. I'm glad you feel that, too, and I'm so grateful you're here.
This is so real. I’m in Canada and it doesn’t feel much less overwhelming from here, especially in the middle of our own federal election, wondering if enough of my neighbours are going to vote to follow the US off this cliff. Know that people around the world stand in solidarity with you, even if we don’t really know what to do either ❤️
Thank you so much. It really does help. It’s such a strange, surreal experience. I am as enraged and heartbroken as anyone could be and I would do ANYTHING to stop this. I just don’t know what it is I can do beyond what I’m doing and what I’m doing doesn’t feel like nearly enough. And then there are people who are in support of the madness. It’s enough to make your head explode. I’m wishing you a much better outcome 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
"The thing about growing up and learning to scan the environment for danger as a regular thing you do, is that it makes you unnaturally good in an emergency."
Yup. Surreal to watch the country forced into a ditch, but that's what is happening. This doesn't get better any time soon. Probably fireworks by summer. Hope I'm wrong.
Thank you. I grew up in two alcoholic families and was severely bullied in middle school. Now, at 60, my sixth gear is not so reliable, but I can still dissociate effectively and get the job done in a crisis. The daily grind of so much pointless, cruel suffering and the useless non-responses of the majority of our so-called leaders is where the real despair sinks in. I’m just so weary of denial and Pollyanna BS. It was heartening to read your piece. Thank you for telling the whole truth. It makes a difference.
Oh Adam, I’m sorry. I also have days when the despair is so thick there’s a weight to it. And other days when outrage burns through me. *Because of our president and the horrible people he’s brought into power alongside him.* These are supposed to be public servants. It’s mind boggling and enraging and there’s also a familiar feeling of powerless, of having your daily life ruled by forces outside your control. I try to remind myself that isn’t fully the case now. I do have ways to fight back, and I can always focus on how many kindhearted people there are who feel the way we do. That alone gives me a lot of hope. But there is a current of sadness that runs underneath all of this because I thought once I was a grownup I’d be able to keep myself safe and determine the way my days feel. It’s not so easy right now. Hope you’re being kind to yourself, and I’m very glad you’re here ❤️
I thought of several scares with my daughters while reading this. And several scares when I was a kid. And several other things I want to say because your essays always say the right things, but I'll just say I'm loving Your Friends and Neighbors and also wondering who in the af wears a $225,000 f%*&ng watch?
There were so many stories from my own childhood, too. One in particular that it’s amazing my dad lived through, because I thought my mother might actually kill him. (I broke my thumb while I was with him and he decided it wasn’t broken and MacGyvered a splint out of the inside of a toilet paper roll and sent me to school the next day. I was four. I still remember the expletives my mother let fly from the hospital payphone while we were waiting for a cast 😳🤣). And yes, that show is so good and who the fuck DOES wear a watch worth 225k?? Gotta say I was with the unbothered cop on that one.
Felt this on a cellular level. Hyper vigilance, hyper-organized, always thinking at least a few steps ahead. Living amongst chaos so you control all you can.
I am so worried about the generational trauma this current shite show is creating.
Thank you for providing words to so many feelings.
Love you.
PS-
my first thought was “But was it *Mott’s* Apple Juice??” 🧃 😉
I worry, too. I have so many worries about all of us right now, about what this is doing to our kids, about how this is going to play out…I’m just grateful I also have some tools to stay present so I don’t spin right off the planet. And yes, it was Mott’s lol. And love you, too. Obviously.
Thank you so much, Holly. I’m sorry you have this gear, too, because there’s only one way to get it that I know of, but I am grateful to know you, friend. And most days I feel hopeful we’re going to be okay as long as we stick together and do everything we can to keep each other safe❤️🙏🏼
Oh, Ally, I could never write anything like this, all the pieces fitting together so perfectly and ending as you do, where we all are now. You made my day and more.
Instead of sitting here blubbering like an idiot, I will just be spamming all your glorious essays with comments and chanting “fuck you, Miss Geffcken, and the horse you rode in on” in my head :) If you knew the happy dance that happened in my heart reading your comments you would probably laugh. Thank you a million times over.
This is pretty much the greatest comment ever, Wendy. Why isn’t teleportation a thing? Or I dunno, why can’t we summon people like genies if they’re cool with it? I mean minus the whole living in a bottle thing, because no. I can’t imagine anyone likes that and I’m claustrophobic. But other than that, I’d totally come in an emergency, or just to go for a walk. Or have a coffee.
I wish we could teleport this whole comments section to a shady field with a giant outdoor table under huge oak trees, and cabins for everyone. I’d love to sit down and talk and laugh and eat together. I wish we could just stay for a week and really rest, or for four years, or forever, and grow our own food and make music and write and paint and say a collective fuck you to anyone who’s making any of us feel scared and sad. Actually we wouldn’t have to because there’d be a magical force field that made us invisible to anyone with shitty intentions. Might as well make it any way I want while we’re playing 🤭🫣
But until we can figure out how to do that, just know you can always message me. I am here and I adore you❤️
I was thinking of teleportation, too! Wouldn't that be amazing? And bottle-less (free!) genies! Hell yes on the sanctuary in the woods. I need a rest for yearrrrrrrs. Maybe forever. Did you see the movie Wing Women? A celebration of friendship and badassery. They had an invisible house in the woods (mirrored--I think--so no one could see it). I'm here for you, too, with tons of love. x
I can’t tell you how much you give me hope. You, and your writing, and your kindness, and way of walking through the world. So thank you, too. I receive your *fucking amazing* gratefully and reflect it right back at you ☺️
I love when this hope-giving is mutual. I'm so honored, Ally. And I also wanted to add, I physically hurt for you - your young selves - hearing of the violence and lack of safety you survived. That this was all you knew. And I feel such tender awe for the person who grew from that soil. The whole garden you've become. You're truly a wonder.
Thank you, Phoenix. In a twist that I feel could only happen with my own mother, we did manage to do a lot of healing the last month of her life, when she was literally on her deathbed. It wasn’t until she couldn’t speak anymore that we actually started communicating openly, finally. She couldn’t drink anymore, either, and that certainly helped, too. But thank you for your tenderness toward my small self. She’s still in here, too 💕
Oh Ally, I felt this in my bones. So much of my life has been in sixth gear, remaining calm in the face of total chaos. Leading a “no forks in the sink” life, forever preparing for the next storm. I cried on the phone with my mother recently and she told me she had never heard me cry. In 58 years. I wanted to scream “it was never an option!” I just replied, “yeah, I’m human now”.
I hear you on watching “Handmaid’s Tale” and wanting to see a little more action…more of a French fuck this we’re not working today, people have the power kind of energy. I have to believe the sane will eventually prevail. These delulu fuckers cannot remain in power. But it’s hard to see all the corks pile up.
As always, fierce and outstanding writing, my dear. Sending love ❤️
I think the gaslighting is particularly tough for those of us who grew up with it, too. It's one of the reasons I need to call things what they are, as I see them, and it's why I find it so reassuring when other people are looking at the same thing and drawing similar conclusions. I didn't write about it in this essay, but dealing with all that and then having my mom look me in the eye and tell me she did *not* have a drinking problem, often the day after a horrific night - it was a lot. She'd say it like a dare, too, like I fucking dare you to challenge me on that. Which, no thanks. Let's just go with your assertion that everything is cool. None of her friends would back me up, either, but to be fair, most of them only saw her sloppy, not violent. Anyhoo. It's very hard for me to see things like Musk in the Treasury with these kids for example, and to have all the 47 supporters act like it's just fine and he's just looking for fraud and abuse. With 6 kids. One named Big Balls. Give me a fucking break. I'm venting to the choir, Eileen.
And yes, I just responded to a request for a donation from the Harris team with a no, and a why. It won't matter, I'm sure I'll get some bounce-back email, but I really laid it out. I want some serious leadership here. I want to see every single senator and congressperson fighting back in every single way, every single day. I want an action plan. I want to see these people showing up in school board meetings, I want them in front of abortion clinics talking about abortion rights, I want someone in Georgia talking about women getting arrested for having miscarriages. I want them talking about the SAVE Act and this stupid 5k bonus for birthing a baby and the hidden discrimination against the LGBTQ community with their 30% fellowship allocation. I want them to think about what would be happening if Obama was doing these things...and that's what I want to see.
A full-on united front of non-stop fighting back, along with some fucking direction here. They should fill in the blanks everywhere this administration is failing. I told you I got the titer test for measles and had zero immunity? I needed the MMR vaccine. Two of my friends the same age needed boosters. Our director of HHS is a lunatic. How about tell everyone to get titer tests. Tell everyone we don't test milk anymore. Tell everyone we had an E. Coli outbreak and no one talked about it. How about a short-term general strike? We can't afford a long one in this effed up economy, but short ones are effective, too. Or maybe that's a bad idea, but ffs give us some direction if you want us to give you money. Where is Project 2029? Where is the plan to fight for our democracy tooth and nail?
Anyway. It made me feel better to say it even if that's the only benefit that comes of it :) Hugs and love, hope to get to say hi to you and Kari tomorrow!
I couldn’t agree more. You want money, show us the plans. Or tell them to your wife on Signal. DO SOMETHING.
So grateful that you wrote this, that you are so damned articulate and eloquent, and that I was lucky enough to find my way to your Substack. I've now read and re-read this, and am saving it so I can turn back to it when I need a reminder about that sixth gear, which in my life has been a blessing and a curse. I applaud your aplomb, Ally, and your ability to notice situations, and people in need, and reach out a hand. And to listen to that doctor who told you to sit down after you willed yourself to stay present for your daughter. I love how you mixed the profoundly personal with the very public coup (a new kind of selfie, I suppose). You're right, of course, nobody knows what to do, not in full. But what we're doing so far is working some, and the courts are working as they should, for the most part, and we're past the starting gate in terms of resistance. That's a good thing. Remember that it's not even 100 days, and we're getting our collective shit together. Much of the time, with inspiration from people like you who speak truth, who take risks, and who act instead of acting like ostriches. Brava to you!
Oh Audrey, I'm glad you found your way here, too. I do try to remember it hasn't been very long (even though it feels endless), and I do think there are a lot of people who are still dealing with some shock because it's all happened so fast. I know some of the resistance is working, and I hope with my entire self that we'll continue to find ways to fight back and the momentum will grow and we'll come through this nightmare and out the other side of it with more insight and empathy and strength. And a clearer vision of how to be there for each other so nothing like this ever happens again. But sometimes I am scared and enraged and heartbroken that this is where we are, and I don't know if there are more things I could be doing. I wish I knew. It certainly helps to connect with everyone here, and to have what feels like a group hug. I'm sending you so much love.
I was always voted the person everyone wanted to be charge when we have active shooter drills at work. I am who my med school friend called when she accidentally cut herself down to the bone. There's only been one person in my life to be that person for me, and he died ten years ago. I like that part of me, but I'm tired, too. This thing we're living through, sadly I don't believe it will swing back without a violent clash, but I do take heart in the face that easily 30% of eligible registered voters didn't vote. If we can motive them...
Years ago I took my kids to the pediatrician. We all had some awful chest cold, fever thing. He had the kids on the table, they were really little, maybe not quite two and four and I was exhausted and so sick. Single mom. He looked at me and asked if I was going to the doctor, too, and I said no, I was going to ride it out. The thought of dragging the kids to my doctor was just not appealing at all. Anyway the next day he called - Dr. Edward Malphus. I started to tell him how the kids were doing, and he stopped me. He said, "I called to check on you." I started crying then, and I'm writing through tears now. It was such a kind thing to do, and one of those things I won't ever forget. It's hard to be "that person" all the time, and even having someone see that is astounding when you just accept it as the way things are. So maybe I will say I see you, Jodi <3
And yes, I do try to hold out hope that as time goes on more people who weren't engaged might become engaged. I try to hold out hope and hold onto hope any way I can. Sending you tons of love. Thanks for being one of the reasons I feel hopeful today x
Omg. At the ER with your daughter. I virtually relived seeing things in the ER happen to your child that no mother should ever have to see - only over and over again. You see my son was very ill - he has since passed away - but he literally was in the ER every other week intubated because his lungs were failing. The docs asked me to leave while they worked on him. I said no. I’m here for him and he’s not going to see fear in my eyes while they work on saving his life again. And again. I’ve seen things…. And what you described about your experiences and staying calm because you have seen the worst? I get that at a gut level. Thanks for writing this. I never wanted to be that person- nor did you - but our life experiences had different plans for us. Hugs.
Oh Christine, I am so sorry. So sorry. I want to rage at the skies for you. I am sorry you have to make space in your heart for that kind of grief and loss and anguish along with all the enormous love you have for your son. I hope there are also a lot of beautiful memories. I know what those hospital images are, I know how they can haunt you. I spent the last month of my mother's life in the ICU with her, she had ALS. She ended up on a ventilator and then a bipap machine. I never left her side, and I will never regret that, but there is a trauma to living with those images. I hope your good, loving memories far outnumber the hospital images. I hope you have some peace knowing you stayed and loved him fiercely through every second. You're the best kind of mom. You were a warrior when you needed to be, I just wish you didn't need to be. I'm sending you so much love. And if you want to share about your boy, I would love that. His name, or what he loved, or anything at all. Only if you want to, of course. I'm sending love to him, too.
Oh Ally. This made me cry. Thank you so much! He was fabulous boy - his name was David after his grandfather - and he was well known and loved in the bass fishing industry. He was a fishin fool and started the first Bass fishing club at his college Texas State University. He made a huge name for himself and live and loved hard before he passed. He put a lot of miles on his body and died having lived his heart out. We love and miss him daily. Xoxo!
Well, I am in tears now, too. He sounds like the absolute best. I hope wherever he is the bass are jumping, the sun is shining, and he’s sending us some love from his huge heart. I hope he’s feeling the love, too. And thank you for sharing a little of your David with us, Christine. I’m so glad you’re here <3
I’m so glad I’m here too!!! Thank you for caring!!!
Also yes - your momma. I too lived the ventilator journey. It’s a rough one. You never forget those images. Peace to you!
Thank you, Christine <3
the rich and layered writing, Ally
the weaving in of your childhood repeated traumas, from adults who should have kept you safe, not teach you the sixth way of response under stress (which yes - kicks in with me too in extreme stress, despite a much more loving and healthy upbringing than your own)
the generosity to the bicycle boy and the old man
the wisdom for your people, and of course, the world's people
Thank you for all of this
with love and admiration from a little pocket of France
Emma, thank you so much. I've been trying to get my head around what it is I'm feeling, and what it is I think other people are feeling here, and I think it's this. Just shock and grief and this surreal slowing down and speeding up of time. Not knowing exactly where you should be or what you should be doing, except for the things that are clear. Anyway, thank you for your kind words, and thank you for the love from France. My gosh do we need it, and I appreciate it very much <3
I hate that this was your reality — you were just a kid. Someone should have been protecting you and I’m sorry the people you relied on to do that let you down so spectacularly.
As is the way with the shit that fucked us up the most, it’s also the thing that saves our lives. And often, other people’s lives.
I don’t know why we’re letting this slow boil us into our own demise. But it’s people like you that make me want to keep fighting. No matter what.
Thanks for always telling the truth. Even the hard truth. You’re a phenomenal fucking writer and person.
Honestly don’t know what I would have done without you these last several months. You’re one of the few people who make me feel like we’re going to be okay somehow or another, and I swear if it comes down to it I’m getting in my car and grabbing you and Riggs. Until then we just fight the good fight and laugh the good laugh when we can.
And your writing saves me multiple times a week, Kate. But you know that🤍
Loved this…absolutely brilliant and you nailed this moment that is so hard to describe and that all of us who’ve been in bad situations just know in our bones.
Thank you so much. I wasn't able to put my finger on what it is I've been feeling until this week. Just recognizing it helps a little. I'm glad you feel that, too, and I'm so grateful you're here.
This is so real. I’m in Canada and it doesn’t feel much less overwhelming from here, especially in the middle of our own federal election, wondering if enough of my neighbours are going to vote to follow the US off this cliff. Know that people around the world stand in solidarity with you, even if we don’t really know what to do either ❤️
Thank you so much. It really does help. It’s such a strange, surreal experience. I am as enraged and heartbroken as anyone could be and I would do ANYTHING to stop this. I just don’t know what it is I can do beyond what I’m doing and what I’m doing doesn’t feel like nearly enough. And then there are people who are in support of the madness. It’s enough to make your head explode. I’m wishing you a much better outcome 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
"The thing about growing up and learning to scan the environment for danger as a regular thing you do, is that it makes you unnaturally good in an emergency."
Yup. Surreal to watch the country forced into a ditch, but that's what is happening. This doesn't get better any time soon. Probably fireworks by summer. Hope I'm wrong.
By fireworks I’m guessing you don’t mean fireworks 😩
Thank you. I grew up in two alcoholic families and was severely bullied in middle school. Now, at 60, my sixth gear is not so reliable, but I can still dissociate effectively and get the job done in a crisis. The daily grind of so much pointless, cruel suffering and the useless non-responses of the majority of our so-called leaders is where the real despair sinks in. I’m just so weary of denial and Pollyanna BS. It was heartening to read your piece. Thank you for telling the whole truth. It makes a difference.
Oh Adam, I’m sorry. I also have days when the despair is so thick there’s a weight to it. And other days when outrage burns through me. *Because of our president and the horrible people he’s brought into power alongside him.* These are supposed to be public servants. It’s mind boggling and enraging and there’s also a familiar feeling of powerless, of having your daily life ruled by forces outside your control. I try to remind myself that isn’t fully the case now. I do have ways to fight back, and I can always focus on how many kindhearted people there are who feel the way we do. That alone gives me a lot of hope. But there is a current of sadness that runs underneath all of this because I thought once I was a grownup I’d be able to keep myself safe and determine the way my days feel. It’s not so easy right now. Hope you’re being kind to yourself, and I’m very glad you’re here ❤️
I thought of several scares with my daughters while reading this. And several scares when I was a kid. And several other things I want to say because your essays always say the right things, but I'll just say I'm loving Your Friends and Neighbors and also wondering who in the af wears a $225,000 f%*&ng watch?
There were so many stories from my own childhood, too. One in particular that it’s amazing my dad lived through, because I thought my mother might actually kill him. (I broke my thumb while I was with him and he decided it wasn’t broken and MacGyvered a splint out of the inside of a toilet paper roll and sent me to school the next day. I was four. I still remember the expletives my mother let fly from the hospital payphone while we were waiting for a cast 😳🤣). And yes, that show is so good and who the fuck DOES wear a watch worth 225k?? Gotta say I was with the unbothered cop on that one.
Felt this on a cellular level. Hyper vigilance, hyper-organized, always thinking at least a few steps ahead. Living amongst chaos so you control all you can.
I am so worried about the generational trauma this current shite show is creating.
Thank you for providing words to so many feelings.
Love you.
PS-
my first thought was “But was it *Mott’s* Apple Juice??” 🧃 😉
I worry, too. I have so many worries about all of us right now, about what this is doing to our kids, about how this is going to play out…I’m just grateful I also have some tools to stay present so I don’t spin right off the planet. And yes, it was Mott’s lol. And love you, too. Obviously.
Ally, I am so with you on your assessment of what is happening in this country. And in the needing to name it.
I also resonate with that automatic pilot gear. Multiple times, I have been in traumatic situations and have responded with complete calm.
May we band together quickly. May we hit these walls and be OK. Love your writing, my friend.
Thank you so much, Holly. I’m sorry you have this gear, too, because there’s only one way to get it that I know of, but I am grateful to know you, friend. And most days I feel hopeful we’re going to be okay as long as we stick together and do everything we can to keep each other safe❤️🙏🏼
My god, this was good. Thank you.
Abigail, thank you for making my whole entire night. This means the world coming from you.
Oh, Ally, I could never write anything like this, all the pieces fitting together so perfectly and ending as you do, where we all are now. You made my day and more.
Instead of sitting here blubbering like an idiot, I will just be spamming all your glorious essays with comments and chanting “fuck you, Miss Geffcken, and the horse you rode in on” in my head :) If you knew the happy dance that happened in my heart reading your comments you would probably laugh. Thank you a million times over.
I wish I could summon you up in an emergency. Or when things are great. So, pretty much any time.
This is pretty much the greatest comment ever, Wendy. Why isn’t teleportation a thing? Or I dunno, why can’t we summon people like genies if they’re cool with it? I mean minus the whole living in a bottle thing, because no. I can’t imagine anyone likes that and I’m claustrophobic. But other than that, I’d totally come in an emergency, or just to go for a walk. Or have a coffee.
I wish we could teleport this whole comments section to a shady field with a giant outdoor table under huge oak trees, and cabins for everyone. I’d love to sit down and talk and laugh and eat together. I wish we could just stay for a week and really rest, or for four years, or forever, and grow our own food and make music and write and paint and say a collective fuck you to anyone who’s making any of us feel scared and sad. Actually we wouldn’t have to because there’d be a magical force field that made us invisible to anyone with shitty intentions. Might as well make it any way I want while we’re playing 🤭🫣
But until we can figure out how to do that, just know you can always message me. I am here and I adore you❤️
I was thinking of teleportation, too! Wouldn't that be amazing? And bottle-less (free!) genies! Hell yes on the sanctuary in the woods. I need a rest for yearrrrrrrs. Maybe forever. Did you see the movie Wing Women? A celebration of friendship and badassery. They had an invisible house in the woods (mirrored--I think--so no one could see it). I'm here for you, too, with tons of love. x
Um, no, I did not see this film you speak of, but if they have an invisible house in the woods, then obviously this is something I need to watch! ♥️
You would love it. One spoiler…don’t get too attached to the bunny. It was, I feel, the film’s one unnecessary misstep…
Thank you for the warning, I appreciate it 🤍
Thank you, Ally, for helping me to believe we're going to be okay. Thank you for always telling the truth. You're fucking amazing.
I can’t tell you how much you give me hope. You, and your writing, and your kindness, and way of walking through the world. So thank you, too. I receive your *fucking amazing* gratefully and reflect it right back at you ☺️
I love when this hope-giving is mutual. I'm so honored, Ally. And I also wanted to add, I physically hurt for you - your young selves - hearing of the violence and lack of safety you survived. That this was all you knew. And I feel such tender awe for the person who grew from that soil. The whole garden you've become. You're truly a wonder.
Thank you, Phoenix. Me too❤️🩹
Thank you, Phoenix. In a twist that I feel could only happen with my own mother, we did manage to do a lot of healing the last month of her life, when she was literally on her deathbed. It wasn’t until she couldn’t speak anymore that we actually started communicating openly, finally. She couldn’t drink anymore, either, and that certainly helped, too. But thank you for your tenderness toward my small self. She’s still in here, too 💕
Wow, Ally. That's a huge twist. I'm grateful for this healing you experienced together - for all your selves ❤️🩹