Sending a hug across this virtual space. I also grew up with alcoholism and I also experienced a toxic romantic relationship that went on far longer than it needed to in my mid-20s. The part you wrote about not knowing where your mother and you began, ran deep in my core. Although my mother was not the alcoholic in the household, similarly, she unloaded so much on me- many things related to the alcoholics- that I was just there to serve her as her fixer of things and her therapist of sorts, if a 12 year old could be a therapist. It took me a little longer than you to realize what was happening (late 20's/ early 30s) and to slowly implement much needed boundaries that were needed if the relationship were to survive. I am still learning about who I truly am (which is also a struggle for adult children of alcoholics). I loved how you handed things over to an invisible space, because it is healing to not have to be the one to carry everything. I will certainly look into Imago therapy.
One thing that has been on my mind in regards to that toxic relationship I mention was attachment personalities. I was realizing the other day that my ex appeared to give off behaviors of someone who developed either an avoidant or disorganized attachment style (and given what I know about his upbringing, it would make sense) and meanwhile I hold an anxious attachment style. This combination was harmful for me. He was warm and then frigid the next day, and it was when he was cold that I would try to find ways to get him back. Due to my own upbringing of being emotionally neglected as a kid. A not pretty cycle. Thankfully, I have done a lot of work on myself since then and continue to do so. Anyways, I thought of that very ex as I read the description of of yours and wanted to share a working theory =) Have a great holiday.
Hugs back to you! Growing up in an alcoholic household is not easy. And I was my dad’s therapist so I get that, too. As for the ex, I absolutely agree attachment styles have so much impact (actually talked about that in the podcast which will go live here on Sunday!) The combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles is so painful. And also wanted to say that I definitely didn’t have it all figured out in my mid-twenties (and don’t have it all figured out now, either 😜) but I am very happy to be free of any attraction toward relationships that feel awful. I have a feeling you and I could probably talk for a long time! Wishing you a very peaceful end to 2023 and a beautiful 2024. Thanks for spending some time with me!
Thank you for the thoughtful replied, I realized after I hit "post" that my response was super long, I do agree we could talk about some of these topics for awhile lol. I will be tuning into the podcast eps, I look forward to it! I am happy to hear of your freedom from feel-bad relationships, I too broke that pattern. We many not have it all figured out (I am with you) but like they say, its about the process and not the end point. I also believe we are always reconquering things, and boundaries with my loved ones, is one of those things I conquer, lose briefly, then reconquer again. I wish you a lovely 2024 and may you continue to flourish and share your story.
...creating a third space. I too am loving it here idea inside this new paradigm. Certainly gives far more space and hope in spaces of hopeless and hostile situations. The journey to reveal your sense of wellbeing is full of peace, reflection and consciousness to be able to share and allow us to feel and be moved to change our lives too. Sharing tools is so incredibly valuable on this journey. Merci 🫶🏽happiest of new years ✨
I love this concept. Im def going to mull it over snd reflect on this a lot! Thanks for inviting us to think in a new way. And for the stories. I’m glad youve found what’s necessary
This is helpful truly...it really does get better
I’m so glad this was helpful. Sending hugs.
Sending a hug across this virtual space. I also grew up with alcoholism and I also experienced a toxic romantic relationship that went on far longer than it needed to in my mid-20s. The part you wrote about not knowing where your mother and you began, ran deep in my core. Although my mother was not the alcoholic in the household, similarly, she unloaded so much on me- many things related to the alcoholics- that I was just there to serve her as her fixer of things and her therapist of sorts, if a 12 year old could be a therapist. It took me a little longer than you to realize what was happening (late 20's/ early 30s) and to slowly implement much needed boundaries that were needed if the relationship were to survive. I am still learning about who I truly am (which is also a struggle for adult children of alcoholics). I loved how you handed things over to an invisible space, because it is healing to not have to be the one to carry everything. I will certainly look into Imago therapy.
One thing that has been on my mind in regards to that toxic relationship I mention was attachment personalities. I was realizing the other day that my ex appeared to give off behaviors of someone who developed either an avoidant or disorganized attachment style (and given what I know about his upbringing, it would make sense) and meanwhile I hold an anxious attachment style. This combination was harmful for me. He was warm and then frigid the next day, and it was when he was cold that I would try to find ways to get him back. Due to my own upbringing of being emotionally neglected as a kid. A not pretty cycle. Thankfully, I have done a lot of work on myself since then and continue to do so. Anyways, I thought of that very ex as I read the description of of yours and wanted to share a working theory =) Have a great holiday.
Hugs back to you! Growing up in an alcoholic household is not easy. And I was my dad’s therapist so I get that, too. As for the ex, I absolutely agree attachment styles have so much impact (actually talked about that in the podcast which will go live here on Sunday!) The combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles is so painful. And also wanted to say that I definitely didn’t have it all figured out in my mid-twenties (and don’t have it all figured out now, either 😜) but I am very happy to be free of any attraction toward relationships that feel awful. I have a feeling you and I could probably talk for a long time! Wishing you a very peaceful end to 2023 and a beautiful 2024. Thanks for spending some time with me!
Thank you for the thoughtful replied, I realized after I hit "post" that my response was super long, I do agree we could talk about some of these topics for awhile lol. I will be tuning into the podcast eps, I look forward to it! I am happy to hear of your freedom from feel-bad relationships, I too broke that pattern. We many not have it all figured out (I am with you) but like they say, its about the process and not the end point. I also believe we are always reconquering things, and boundaries with my loved ones, is one of those things I conquer, lose briefly, then reconquer again. I wish you a lovely 2024 and may you continue to flourish and share your story.
...creating a third space. I too am loving it here idea inside this new paradigm. Certainly gives far more space and hope in spaces of hopeless and hostile situations. The journey to reveal your sense of wellbeing is full of peace, reflection and consciousness to be able to share and allow us to feel and be moved to change our lives too. Sharing tools is so incredibly valuable on this journey. Merci 🫶🏽happiest of new years ✨
Thank you, RJ! I’m grateful this idea is meaningful to you, too. It shifted so much for me! Wishing you a beautiful 2024 🤍
I love this concept. Im def going to mull it over snd reflect on this a lot! Thanks for inviting us to think in a new way. And for the stories. I’m glad youve found what’s necessary
Thanks so much, Ruthie! Glad this idea feels helpful to you, too. Wishing you a very happy 2024!