I was diagnosed as an adult, too. I'd said for years, "I probably have a little ADD," so when my therapist said she thought I had ADHD I laughed. I told her, "I don't think I have that H. I'm kind of a sloth..." She explained that hyperactivity in women often presents as hyperactivity in their brains, their thinking, not their bodies. That made total sense to me. So I went to a clinical psychologist to get an official assessment and diagnosis. That was an extremely emotional thing for me, too. He told me he was going to read a list of words and then he wanted me to repeat them back to him. He read about twelve words. I started repeating and got to... three. WTF? I'm a writer. I work in publishing. This didn't make sense. He read the words again. The same words. I got to, maybe, four? When we did numbers I did even worse. I'm also a fairly intelligent person. When I found out exactly how intelligent, I was a little surprised, to be honest. Turns out we smarty pants are often not diagnosed because we compensate so well. Until, as you know, we might lose the structures, systems, and coping mechanisms we've put in place, and all ADHD hell breaks loose. Well, that's how it was for me, anyhow. I loved this essay. Thank you.
It’s kind of amazing how many of us weren’t diagnosed until well into adulthood. I loved your comments, and I’m looking forward to being able to walk by the leaves, empty glasses, etc. when I’m in the middle of something. Not the dog, though :) Really glad you’re here, hugs in solidarity.
I love this essay so much. Someone very close to me was diagnosed with ADHD in the last year or so. It was a later in life dx. The relief she felt was overwhelming. She finally had a framework to place all of the things she considered dysfunctional about herself and the ways she moves through her life. She's getting proper support now, and it's helped her in myriad ways. I don't know if I fit the dx, but I definitely relate to so much of what you describe. I have a load of sensory issues that I've discovered recently. Knowing what they are has helped me feel better about myself, and I'm learning to make adjustments and accommodations to meet my needs so that I'm not so stressed all the time! oxoxo!
Yes, I consider it all to be good information. A lot of things make sense. I think this whole time I assumed I was just swimming in the same water as everyone else, same life stressors, same pressures, etc, and I am, but I think I may be swimming against the current instead of with it, more than I realized. Or something like that ;) Definitely good food for thought! xoxox
This is one of my favorite things I’ve read on Substack so far since I joined last year. Oh the systems and coping mechanisms we devise to manage the anxiety of existing in a cruel world! My ADHD was in my favor for 44 years(age of diagnosis) until it wasn’t and my life started to fall apart. None of my systems worked anymore and my sense of self, and the way I had existed in the world, slowly crumbled. I still managed to graduate from nursing school, even though I had to quit during my second term and repeat it 4 months later because my mom got sick and died unexpectedly. I’m 51 now and have had my absolute WORST year ever emotionally and physically. I’ve read quite a few folks’ experiences with late diagnosis ADHD but yours really resonated with me for some reason. It’s reminded me to try to be curious and inquisitive about myself instead of continuing a scary downward spiral that has nearly destroyed me. Thank you for sharing and being here for us readers!
Oh Graham, I’m so sorry you’ve been having such a tough year and I also send you my deepest condolences about your mom. Grief is really something, it knocked me off my feet for quite a while and still does me in sometimes. I’m so grateful this essay resonated with you, your comments made me teary. I’m sending you lots of love through the interwebs and the hope that things get a little easier. Thank you for being here. Hugs 🤍
Hi Ally, again I enjoyed this. I feel like I too have some form of ADHD, I'm undiagnosed though. I think quite often we don't know why we exactly do things. I loved this because once again you allowed me to see little bit of you and then interpret it so I can learn something from it. Wishing you well as always and thank you. Namaste.
Hi Peter! I’m glad you enjoyed, and grateful this gave you some food for thought. I’m endlessly fascinated by human beings and the experience of being human, especially since we don’t get to be here for very long in the scheme of things. I just find it all wild and amazing and even when it’s really hard I’m still so into it haha. Thanks for being here 🤍
Unfortunately I do not have the photographic 😂 memory, but rest I can relate to the rest Especially the blaming from your mum for her condition. If I did any thing to help my mum when she felt poorly eg encourage her to eat or go a walk around the room, fetch her meds, food, mow her lawn or say anything that she considered cheeky she would get angry with me. Then she would blame me or my other sibling for her illness. She had bronchiectasis. She would still smoke as this would supposedly help... I was always over helping, overcaring and trying to keep in her good books. I was very respectful to her. Trying to be the perfect daughter. All the time walking on egg shells in her company, as to not upset, wanting to please her in any way, putting out fires I call it. I was always in fear of her banishing me out of her life even in my 40s. How toxic this was at the time. I still grieve for my mum and Dad. Miss them both, the relationship I wanted and was never going to have. Abandonment feelings still creep in at times. Every day I still work through this, it has got shorter & easier. Even reading this helps me work through stuff still. Thank you appreciate you and all the ways with the tools. Xx LY ❤️ xx
It really is such a mixed bag when you have a mother who struggles to be loving for whatever reason(s). I know how much it hurts, and clearly you do, too. I feel like I’ve come to understand so much more about my mother over the last few years and I’m grateful to say my compassion for her had grown enormously. It doesn’t make it all easy, but it makes it easier. Lots and lots of love to you 🤍
I never thought I had ADHD but how you operate is exactly how I operate. I thought it was just what being a mom was- endless loops spiraling out and in. I do all these things one distraction leading to another and yet I can focus- and yet I cannot relax. I am always thinking of what else I can or need to do and just don't know how to be in my body. Even when I was doing yoga all the time that only helped while I was doing it, nothing can help me off the mat. So I get stuck in a routine that has to happen everyday and I always need to know what is coming so I can prepare myself whether practically or just mentally. Let's just say I don't know how to be spontaneous and I don't know how to just be.
I think I attributed the “always going” to being a mom, too. I did the single mom thing for so long, being in constant motion was the only way to keep it all together. I do think there are a lot of women taking on an inordinate amount of kid/household stuff in addition to working who are just inundated and exhausted. If you have health insurance and can afford to do it, I’d get evaluated. I also had my hormones checked because I’m in perimenopause. By my way of thinking the more information you have the easier it is to know what you need. As for yoga and meditation I honestly think I would be in real trouble without them but it’s still a daily practice for me, 30+ years later :) And even using every tool in my toolbox I’ve just been feeling at my max the last few years. Grief is really something and the sandwich generation is no joke. Anyway sending you hugs! You’re not alone xx
Thank you for the hugs! I'm just glad that this might not be considered 'normal' and perhaps I can even change it although I'm so used to it by now, but to have that feeling of turning off the mental motor would be nice. Keep writing, you're amazing and we need your voice.
The thing about having systems is so interesting to me. I have systems, and I recognize your process for doing things, too—stop to pick up this, fold that, give the dog a hug, do the dishes, sweep up the two blades of grass tracked inside from the yard, then get back to the original thing I was doing. I feel like I spend so much time seeing to the meaningless tasks, but they will absolutely haunt me if I ignore them. Having past trauma, I think, also contributes. I went through two pretty horrendous events in my late 20s, was diagnosed with PTSD, and became an absolute control freak, a totally unrecognizable version of myself. Having systems makes me think I'm in control. What you said about having things at the same level of importance—my husband has said that about how he sees me deal with things. It's probably not great, but it just is what it is, and I find it oddly comforting to know it's not just me!
Separately, how awesome is it that you found a cool therapist? That's major!
Absolutely think that at least part of this for me is growing up with chaos and wanting to keep the chaos at bay now that I'm an adult with kids of my own. Systems and staying on top of everything does give me that sense of order and control, even though my bigger and better self is well aware it's all a delusion and all the plans and systems can be upturned any old time. Life is funny and so are we :) Hugs! Thanks for being here.
No advice here, just empathy. Welcome to the neurodivergence party!
I'm finally getting past it, but my diagnosis brought a LOT of grief and then I had to look at other things I'd grieved and put them into context with this new information about myself. I am also exceedingly, ridiculously grateful for this diagnosis every day. I masked and coped until I couldn't, and my C-PTSD did not help, but I knew there was something else at work. Turns out, it was a disorder I'd had since childhood. On some level, I always knew. I just didn't have a name for it.
If you ever have questions, feel free to reach out. There are plenty of incredible resources out there for you. I think knowing is half the battle, to be honest.
Thanks so much, Kari, I appreciate it! And yes, I seem to be in the sort of amused phase of the event. I don't know if it's because I've done so much grieving the last few years that maybe my grief muscle is just spent right now, or what exactly is going on, but at the moment I'm just relieved and grateful for the information, and curious about how life might feel if I wasn't exerting so much energy on the way I'm doing things - instead of just doing them in a less disjointed way. Something like that. And I will certainly reach out to you with questions if they come up, thank you so much for the offer. I think I made people a little concerned with my request for no advice, but I've been in the "wellness world" for 30 years and could just envision people telling me to try cucumber juice or something. Figured I'd head it off at the pass ;) Thanks for being here!
I got a LOT of unsolicited advice at first. It is overwhelming and I fully get it. I turned into a hermit the first few months after diagnosis and I think that was good. You will figure out what the best course is.
I recognize a lot in your description of how you get things done in my own life. It occurred to me as I read this that - in my version, I have systems for EVERYTHING - even how to eat an apple - that those of us who function like this are using our intelligence at full focus for every action we take, the same energy and intensity and focus to eat an apple as to write an article. It makes our lives rich. And, when I think about it now, also exhausting. Don’t know that I would trade the hyper focus for calm, but maybe integrating conscious choices to craft rewarding time, or even simply consciously focusing on the satisfaction and nurture of things well done, dog well-loved, laundry complete, work achieved to counter the exhaustion? Not sure that would work either. Not a suggestion btw, just sharing my own thoughts out loud for my own process as evoked by your writing. Solidarity only.
Thanks so much, and yes, I appreciate your thought process! I do think there are gifts in (almost) everything if you look for them, and I do think there's something positive about taking the same care with the small tasks as the larger ones. There's really nothing mundane about anything, even folding laundry can be an act of love, and certainly is on my best days. I do think I'm extending an excessive amount of energy, though, and am excited to see what it might be like to, I dunno, do less of that, lol. I'll certainly keep you posted. Hugs and thanks for being here.
Hi all! After I published this essay a very kind reader sent me a link to this (short) article and I think it’s a very helpful and important reframe! Have a read if you’re inclined. I also referenced it in the podcast which just went live. If you’re new to me, the podcast is a conversation about the essay topic each week. Here’s the article: https://www.additudemag.com/attention-deficit-disorder-vast/
ADDitude magazine was a really great introduction for me in understanding that ADHD wasn’t just a “kid” thing. It’s given names to a ton of things that I’ve experienced and have helped me to understand a lot about how I operate in the world. This reframe of the name and diagnosis makes so much sense!! I often forget that my ADHD gives me a great many skills and has helped me be highly functional in a culture that wasn’t designed for me. Another great resource, who really started me on trying to understand what I’ve been going through, is Dr. Shawn Horn. She’s involved with ADDitude Mag and has a great Instagram account. Her video on Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria in action was one of the biggest lightbulb moments I have ever experienced! https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxbqWLyP30y/?igsh=MTVjaG90djFsYjV4dw==
I was diagnosed as an adult, too. I'd said for years, "I probably have a little ADD," so when my therapist said she thought I had ADHD I laughed. I told her, "I don't think I have that H. I'm kind of a sloth..." She explained that hyperactivity in women often presents as hyperactivity in their brains, their thinking, not their bodies. That made total sense to me. So I went to a clinical psychologist to get an official assessment and diagnosis. That was an extremely emotional thing for me, too. He told me he was going to read a list of words and then he wanted me to repeat them back to him. He read about twelve words. I started repeating and got to... three. WTF? I'm a writer. I work in publishing. This didn't make sense. He read the words again. The same words. I got to, maybe, four? When we did numbers I did even worse. I'm also a fairly intelligent person. When I found out exactly how intelligent, I was a little surprised, to be honest. Turns out we smarty pants are often not diagnosed because we compensate so well. Until, as you know, we might lose the structures, systems, and coping mechanisms we've put in place, and all ADHD hell breaks loose. Well, that's how it was for me, anyhow. I loved this essay. Thank you.
It’s kind of amazing how many of us weren’t diagnosed until well into adulthood. I loved your comments, and I’m looking forward to being able to walk by the leaves, empty glasses, etc. when I’m in the middle of something. Not the dog, though :) Really glad you’re here, hugs in solidarity.
I love this essay so much. Someone very close to me was diagnosed with ADHD in the last year or so. It was a later in life dx. The relief she felt was overwhelming. She finally had a framework to place all of the things she considered dysfunctional about herself and the ways she moves through her life. She's getting proper support now, and it's helped her in myriad ways. I don't know if I fit the dx, but I definitely relate to so much of what you describe. I have a load of sensory issues that I've discovered recently. Knowing what they are has helped me feel better about myself, and I'm learning to make adjustments and accommodations to meet my needs so that I'm not so stressed all the time! oxoxo!
Yes, I consider it all to be good information. A lot of things make sense. I think this whole time I assumed I was just swimming in the same water as everyone else, same life stressors, same pressures, etc, and I am, but I think I may be swimming against the current instead of with it, more than I realized. Or something like that ;) Definitely good food for thought! xoxox
This is one of my favorite things I’ve read on Substack so far since I joined last year. Oh the systems and coping mechanisms we devise to manage the anxiety of existing in a cruel world! My ADHD was in my favor for 44 years(age of diagnosis) until it wasn’t and my life started to fall apart. None of my systems worked anymore and my sense of self, and the way I had existed in the world, slowly crumbled. I still managed to graduate from nursing school, even though I had to quit during my second term and repeat it 4 months later because my mom got sick and died unexpectedly. I’m 51 now and have had my absolute WORST year ever emotionally and physically. I’ve read quite a few folks’ experiences with late diagnosis ADHD but yours really resonated with me for some reason. It’s reminded me to try to be curious and inquisitive about myself instead of continuing a scary downward spiral that has nearly destroyed me. Thank you for sharing and being here for us readers!
Oh Graham, I’m so sorry you’ve been having such a tough year and I also send you my deepest condolences about your mom. Grief is really something, it knocked me off my feet for quite a while and still does me in sometimes. I’m so grateful this essay resonated with you, your comments made me teary. I’m sending you lots of love through the interwebs and the hope that things get a little easier. Thank you for being here. Hugs 🤍
Hi Ally, again I enjoyed this. I feel like I too have some form of ADHD, I'm undiagnosed though. I think quite often we don't know why we exactly do things. I loved this because once again you allowed me to see little bit of you and then interpret it so I can learn something from it. Wishing you well as always and thank you. Namaste.
Hi Peter! I’m glad you enjoyed, and grateful this gave you some food for thought. I’m endlessly fascinated by human beings and the experience of being human, especially since we don’t get to be here for very long in the scheme of things. I just find it all wild and amazing and even when it’s really hard I’m still so into it haha. Thanks for being here 🤍
Unfortunately I do not have the photographic 😂 memory, but rest I can relate to the rest Especially the blaming from your mum for her condition. If I did any thing to help my mum when she felt poorly eg encourage her to eat or go a walk around the room, fetch her meds, food, mow her lawn or say anything that she considered cheeky she would get angry with me. Then she would blame me or my other sibling for her illness. She had bronchiectasis. She would still smoke as this would supposedly help... I was always over helping, overcaring and trying to keep in her good books. I was very respectful to her. Trying to be the perfect daughter. All the time walking on egg shells in her company, as to not upset, wanting to please her in any way, putting out fires I call it. I was always in fear of her banishing me out of her life even in my 40s. How toxic this was at the time. I still grieve for my mum and Dad. Miss them both, the relationship I wanted and was never going to have. Abandonment feelings still creep in at times. Every day I still work through this, it has got shorter & easier. Even reading this helps me work through stuff still. Thank you appreciate you and all the ways with the tools. Xx LY ❤️ xx
It really is such a mixed bag when you have a mother who struggles to be loving for whatever reason(s). I know how much it hurts, and clearly you do, too. I feel like I’ve come to understand so much more about my mother over the last few years and I’m grateful to say my compassion for her had grown enormously. It doesn’t make it all easy, but it makes it easier. Lots and lots of love to you 🤍
You are amazing xx 😘 ❤️ Great writing 👏xx
Thank you, Barbara 🤍
I never thought I had ADHD but how you operate is exactly how I operate. I thought it was just what being a mom was- endless loops spiraling out and in. I do all these things one distraction leading to another and yet I can focus- and yet I cannot relax. I am always thinking of what else I can or need to do and just don't know how to be in my body. Even when I was doing yoga all the time that only helped while I was doing it, nothing can help me off the mat. So I get stuck in a routine that has to happen everyday and I always need to know what is coming so I can prepare myself whether practically or just mentally. Let's just say I don't know how to be spontaneous and I don't know how to just be.
I think I attributed the “always going” to being a mom, too. I did the single mom thing for so long, being in constant motion was the only way to keep it all together. I do think there are a lot of women taking on an inordinate amount of kid/household stuff in addition to working who are just inundated and exhausted. If you have health insurance and can afford to do it, I’d get evaluated. I also had my hormones checked because I’m in perimenopause. By my way of thinking the more information you have the easier it is to know what you need. As for yoga and meditation I honestly think I would be in real trouble without them but it’s still a daily practice for me, 30+ years later :) And even using every tool in my toolbox I’ve just been feeling at my max the last few years. Grief is really something and the sandwich generation is no joke. Anyway sending you hugs! You’re not alone xx
Thank you for the hugs! I'm just glad that this might not be considered 'normal' and perhaps I can even change it although I'm so used to it by now, but to have that feeling of turning off the mental motor would be nice. Keep writing, you're amazing and we need your voice.
Thanks so much, Sarah 🤍
The thing about having systems is so interesting to me. I have systems, and I recognize your process for doing things, too—stop to pick up this, fold that, give the dog a hug, do the dishes, sweep up the two blades of grass tracked inside from the yard, then get back to the original thing I was doing. I feel like I spend so much time seeing to the meaningless tasks, but they will absolutely haunt me if I ignore them. Having past trauma, I think, also contributes. I went through two pretty horrendous events in my late 20s, was diagnosed with PTSD, and became an absolute control freak, a totally unrecognizable version of myself. Having systems makes me think I'm in control. What you said about having things at the same level of importance—my husband has said that about how he sees me deal with things. It's probably not great, but it just is what it is, and I find it oddly comforting to know it's not just me!
Separately, how awesome is it that you found a cool therapist? That's major!
Absolutely think that at least part of this for me is growing up with chaos and wanting to keep the chaos at bay now that I'm an adult with kids of my own. Systems and staying on top of everything does give me that sense of order and control, even though my bigger and better self is well aware it's all a delusion and all the plans and systems can be upturned any old time. Life is funny and so are we :) Hugs! Thanks for being here.
No advice here, just empathy. Welcome to the neurodivergence party!
I'm finally getting past it, but my diagnosis brought a LOT of grief and then I had to look at other things I'd grieved and put them into context with this new information about myself. I am also exceedingly, ridiculously grateful for this diagnosis every day. I masked and coped until I couldn't, and my C-PTSD did not help, but I knew there was something else at work. Turns out, it was a disorder I'd had since childhood. On some level, I always knew. I just didn't have a name for it.
If you ever have questions, feel free to reach out. There are plenty of incredible resources out there for you. I think knowing is half the battle, to be honest.
Thanks so much, Kari, I appreciate it! And yes, I seem to be in the sort of amused phase of the event. I don't know if it's because I've done so much grieving the last few years that maybe my grief muscle is just spent right now, or what exactly is going on, but at the moment I'm just relieved and grateful for the information, and curious about how life might feel if I wasn't exerting so much energy on the way I'm doing things - instead of just doing them in a less disjointed way. Something like that. And I will certainly reach out to you with questions if they come up, thank you so much for the offer. I think I made people a little concerned with my request for no advice, but I've been in the "wellness world" for 30 years and could just envision people telling me to try cucumber juice or something. Figured I'd head it off at the pass ;) Thanks for being here!
I got a LOT of unsolicited advice at first. It is overwhelming and I fully get it. I turned into a hermit the first few months after diagnosis and I think that was good. You will figure out what the best course is.
I recognize a lot in your description of how you get things done in my own life. It occurred to me as I read this that - in my version, I have systems for EVERYTHING - even how to eat an apple - that those of us who function like this are using our intelligence at full focus for every action we take, the same energy and intensity and focus to eat an apple as to write an article. It makes our lives rich. And, when I think about it now, also exhausting. Don’t know that I would trade the hyper focus for calm, but maybe integrating conscious choices to craft rewarding time, or even simply consciously focusing on the satisfaction and nurture of things well done, dog well-loved, laundry complete, work achieved to counter the exhaustion? Not sure that would work either. Not a suggestion btw, just sharing my own thoughts out loud for my own process as evoked by your writing. Solidarity only.
I appreciate your writing.
Thanks so much, and yes, I appreciate your thought process! I do think there are gifts in (almost) everything if you look for them, and I do think there's something positive about taking the same care with the small tasks as the larger ones. There's really nothing mundane about anything, even folding laundry can be an act of love, and certainly is on my best days. I do think I'm extending an excessive amount of energy, though, and am excited to see what it might be like to, I dunno, do less of that, lol. I'll certainly keep you posted. Hugs and thanks for being here.
Hi all! After I published this essay a very kind reader sent me a link to this (short) article and I think it’s a very helpful and important reframe! Have a read if you’re inclined. I also referenced it in the podcast which just went live. If you’re new to me, the podcast is a conversation about the essay topic each week. Here’s the article: https://www.additudemag.com/attention-deficit-disorder-vast/
ADDitude magazine was a really great introduction for me in understanding that ADHD wasn’t just a “kid” thing. It’s given names to a ton of things that I’ve experienced and have helped me to understand a lot about how I operate in the world. This reframe of the name and diagnosis makes so much sense!! I often forget that my ADHD gives me a great many skills and has helped me be highly functional in a culture that wasn’t designed for me. Another great resource, who really started me on trying to understand what I’ve been going through, is Dr. Shawn Horn. She’s involved with ADDitude Mag and has a great Instagram account. Her video on Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria in action was one of the biggest lightbulb moments I have ever experienced! https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxbqWLyP30y/?igsh=MTVjaG90djFsYjV4dw==
Ha! Amazing I just followed her, thanks for the tip :)