I just read your essay (right after I processed some social media notifications, I know it is bad to grab your phone first thing it the morning!) and I went to make a coffee as I wanted to sit down and reply before I go for a run.
First of all, I'd love to give you a hug right now and just hold you.
I totally feel what you wrote about in the second half!
I am in a very strange phase where I kind of want to believe in God, but it's just so difficult to surrender myself to an entity that is supposed to be good and omnipotent and we're somehow created in its image, yet more I dive into neuroscience and how our bodies and brain process things, more sceptical I am getting by this supposedly brilliant design.
Then of course I feel heretic after having such thought and voilà, feeling of shame and guilt arises (this is what I hinted at, how bloody difficult it is to undo any damage suffered in the early years, or at any time really).
Yet on most days, and I hope today will be one of them, I do think perhaps God is OK, and we're indeed his/her children, and even though I totally think world is mad, it's people like you that bring me the light in the darkness. If I wanted to be overly dramatic, you're like my own little personal Galadriel (not really a play at Depeche Mode song Personal Jesus but it came to my mind lol). Please for love of God don't stop writing, because quite frankly it saves me!
And I'm sorry about what you had to endure. I could say it made you who you are, but I'm not great at trying to find silver lining in things that ideally shouldn't happen in the first place.
Secondly, goulash.
This is the funny part. I never thought I'd read word goulash in your essay. I love goulash (as a good Eastern European citizen) and I believe I can cook amazing one and in fact I'll make one this weekend lol!
But I do get the part about the animals. I keep promising myself I will become vegetarian (also that I'd start gym, go on a diet and many other things that I somehow believe would be good, but again, by design of our brains and neural pathways, I often fall victim to instant gratification and brain's resistance to do what's uncomfortable or doesn't trigger pleasure centres). I often wonder if God so desperately wanted us to behave certain way, why creating whole host of temptations playing on our weakest points and then wonder why the fuck we fall!
Anyway, I know you said you don't judge people who eat meat, I must admit I am not proud of it and I guess same way as I would wish to truly believe in God (that I just can't) I want to hope one day I won't need to eat meat any more.
I'm not sure if it's laziness, or hypocrisy or someone other fault, but I just like meat. I guess I accepted that to live is to suffer and that one day myself and all other beings will be set free from this pain but until that moment, it's almost inevitable we suffer.
I hope this makes some sense.
I want to say thank you for being here and everything you do! I'm grateful we met online because as you say, it can be a dark place, but I love that you are here to shine your light! I love that very much!
You gave me a lot of food for thought with these amazing comments, Peter! I was raised in a house (2) with no religion to speak of and that's one thing I'm grateful for, because I got to figure out what made sense to me without having to question anything that had been ingrained. My stepmom was Catholic, but I think very hurt because she and my dad didn't get married for 4 years but were living together, and her family essentially disowned her. We used to go to midnight mass when I was a kid, and she said the first time she took me I asked where God was, because I'd heard someone say church was the house of God lol. I guess I expected a nice greeting when I got there. I feel the same way about religion as I do about vegetarianism, I truly believe it's the kind of thing each person has to work out for themselves. I know what makes sense to me, and the time I've spent thinking about these things feels like time well-spent. It creates ease and space, and I always try to leave room for my own evolving thinking. I don't think shame or guilt are good motivators for anything, so I hope you can give yourself some, grace, compassion and patience with all of it - whatever conclusions you come to about what "God" means, what you decide to eat or not eat, and whether you go to the gym :) Sending you a big hug and lots of love!
I appreciate you write from your heart, because it prompts me to go inside my soul and explore what is there and I love that you are here to gently nudge me to keep going. Thank you for being here and everything you do. Namaste. And thank you for the hug 🤗
Thank you for writing. I can hardly write or speak at all without feeling my dissonance worsen, but it felt relieving to read yours. Less alone. The mental pain lets up, I can feel it by the deep sign that just hit. I feel a little closer to myself. <3 thank you
You have no idea how happy that makes me. I agonized with this one, so your comment makes me feel glad I did, like the agony was worth something valuable. Thank you for being here, Corey.
Ally, Ally, Ally. Yes to all of this. Thank you for the fierceness of your words and for all the truths you dare to speak. There’s so much in this essay, so many passages I want to highlight and share. So much that resonates so deeply for me. Read this, please. We need to do our best, and then at least a little more. The world is keening.
Nan, if you had seen me sweating it out with this essay on Thursday, lol. I usually start thinking about it Monday, writing a draft Tuesday and finishing Wednesday so I can publish Thursday morning, but this was like a drawn-out, very difficult labor. It means the world to me that it meant something to you. Big hugs and lots of love xx
Oof. That is some potent truth telling. Thank you for sharing your voice.
Thanks for being here, Sarah 🤍
Hey Ally,
I just read your essay (right after I processed some social media notifications, I know it is bad to grab your phone first thing it the morning!) and I went to make a coffee as I wanted to sit down and reply before I go for a run.
First of all, I'd love to give you a hug right now and just hold you.
I totally feel what you wrote about in the second half!
I am in a very strange phase where I kind of want to believe in God, but it's just so difficult to surrender myself to an entity that is supposed to be good and omnipotent and we're somehow created in its image, yet more I dive into neuroscience and how our bodies and brain process things, more sceptical I am getting by this supposedly brilliant design.
Then of course I feel heretic after having such thought and voilà, feeling of shame and guilt arises (this is what I hinted at, how bloody difficult it is to undo any damage suffered in the early years, or at any time really).
Yet on most days, and I hope today will be one of them, I do think perhaps God is OK, and we're indeed his/her children, and even though I totally think world is mad, it's people like you that bring me the light in the darkness. If I wanted to be overly dramatic, you're like my own little personal Galadriel (not really a play at Depeche Mode song Personal Jesus but it came to my mind lol). Please for love of God don't stop writing, because quite frankly it saves me!
And I'm sorry about what you had to endure. I could say it made you who you are, but I'm not great at trying to find silver lining in things that ideally shouldn't happen in the first place.
Secondly, goulash.
This is the funny part. I never thought I'd read word goulash in your essay. I love goulash (as a good Eastern European citizen) and I believe I can cook amazing one and in fact I'll make one this weekend lol!
But I do get the part about the animals. I keep promising myself I will become vegetarian (also that I'd start gym, go on a diet and many other things that I somehow believe would be good, but again, by design of our brains and neural pathways, I often fall victim to instant gratification and brain's resistance to do what's uncomfortable or doesn't trigger pleasure centres). I often wonder if God so desperately wanted us to behave certain way, why creating whole host of temptations playing on our weakest points and then wonder why the fuck we fall!
Anyway, I know you said you don't judge people who eat meat, I must admit I am not proud of it and I guess same way as I would wish to truly believe in God (that I just can't) I want to hope one day I won't need to eat meat any more.
I'm not sure if it's laziness, or hypocrisy or someone other fault, but I just like meat. I guess I accepted that to live is to suffer and that one day myself and all other beings will be set free from this pain but until that moment, it's almost inevitable we suffer.
I hope this makes some sense.
I want to say thank you for being here and everything you do! I'm grateful we met online because as you say, it can be a dark place, but I love that you are here to shine your light! I love that very much!
Namaste.
Love and blessings to you and your beloved.
❤️
You gave me a lot of food for thought with these amazing comments, Peter! I was raised in a house (2) with no religion to speak of and that's one thing I'm grateful for, because I got to figure out what made sense to me without having to question anything that had been ingrained. My stepmom was Catholic, but I think very hurt because she and my dad didn't get married for 4 years but were living together, and her family essentially disowned her. We used to go to midnight mass when I was a kid, and she said the first time she took me I asked where God was, because I'd heard someone say church was the house of God lol. I guess I expected a nice greeting when I got there. I feel the same way about religion as I do about vegetarianism, I truly believe it's the kind of thing each person has to work out for themselves. I know what makes sense to me, and the time I've spent thinking about these things feels like time well-spent. It creates ease and space, and I always try to leave room for my own evolving thinking. I don't think shame or guilt are good motivators for anything, so I hope you can give yourself some, grace, compassion and patience with all of it - whatever conclusions you come to about what "God" means, what you decide to eat or not eat, and whether you go to the gym :) Sending you a big hug and lots of love!
I appreciate you write from your heart, because it prompts me to go inside my soul and explore what is there and I love that you are here to gently nudge me to keep going. Thank you for being here and everything you do. Namaste. And thank you for the hug 🤗
Thank you for writing. I can hardly write or speak at all without feeling my dissonance worsen, but it felt relieving to read yours. Less alone. The mental pain lets up, I can feel it by the deep sign that just hit. I feel a little closer to myself. <3 thank you
That’s the best thing you could say, and I’m so grateful this helped. Big hugs.
This really spoke to me. Thank you for this post.
You have no idea how happy that makes me. I agonized with this one, so your comment makes me feel glad I did, like the agony was worth something valuable. Thank you for being here, Corey.
Ally, Ally, Ally. Yes to all of this. Thank you for the fierceness of your words and for all the truths you dare to speak. There’s so much in this essay, so many passages I want to highlight and share. So much that resonates so deeply for me. Read this, please. We need to do our best, and then at least a little more. The world is keening.
Nan, if you had seen me sweating it out with this essay on Thursday, lol. I usually start thinking about it Monday, writing a draft Tuesday and finishing Wednesday so I can publish Thursday morning, but this was like a drawn-out, very difficult labor. It means the world to me that it meant something to you. Big hugs and lots of love xx
I hear you Ally. This was a bold leap. One worth taking. Love and hugs back to you.