Really beautiful piece. I feel for that four-year-old girl, and yet am so heartened, reading this: "Maybe hating goodbyes is the same thing as really loving people, did you ever think of that? And maybe it isn’t a thing to fix."
I love the JLD podcast. I haven't listened to the Jane Fonda episode yet (I've been skipping around) but her conversations with her guests are so deep and revealing that they seriously move me. I put on Bonnie Raitt radio on Spotify after listening to that episode just because JLD was so in love with her! I needed to understand the fuss, LOL.
I tend to get stuck on the difference between someone responding to "You hurt my feelings/hurt me" by taking that information on the chin and apologizing in a genuine way vs. blowing it off and making it the hurt person's problem. I don't know if I expect too much out of an apology? Maybe that's where I'm projecting, because I really like this idea: "They do not beat themselves up or berate themselves for hours and days over being human and not getting everything right every second. They just accept they’re going to make mistakes sometimes and assume you will accept that, too. That’s a healthy person." I need to remember that!
Yes, I have yet to listen to an episode that hasn’t been an absolute treat/given me something to think about/taught me something or surprised me. It’s fantastic.
And oh my gosh do I get this. I am such a big fan of the heartfelt apology, both giving and receiving them. I had to do some work around it because I grew up being so scared to make a mistake I used to get totally freaked out if I screwed up as an adult and it made me defensive and scared to just say it when I’d hurt someone’s feelings or let them down (or let myself down by doing something I wished I hadn’t, etc). I don’t think intimacy is possible without trust and how can you trust someone who can’t say they’re sorry in a genuine way and then SHOW YOU that they are with changed behavior?
But yeah, I ALSO used to beat myself up badly if I made a mistake and I had to do some work around that, too. And I did project and assume everyone berated themselves like I did. There’s just this happy medium in being accountable and giving serious thought to situations where we inadvertently or thoughtlessly hurt someone’s feelings, and beating the crap out of ourselves. And that place that I look for in myself is the same place I hope the people closest to me will also look when they mess up. Like, think about it, examine in, figure out what you need to do to make a different choice next time, but don’t be horrible to yourself. Maybe I should write a whole essay just about this lol. Hugs!!
It would be a great essay topic! We're all human and imperfect, so all we can do is live, learn, move on, and aim to do better. It's the follow through and accountability that help make it possible, I think.
I love this so much and relate so much. My dad left my mom just after she was diagnosed with MS. Then my mom left me with my grandmother. I immediately got attached to a neighbor girl after moving in with my grandmother and then three years later she moved and I started to put up a wall. I would rather be alone than abandoned yet again. I still deal with it, in all my relationships. I have been dysfunctional all my life. Always filling that void in my soul with things and addictions (addicted to attention, addicted to exercise and yoga, using food to combat loss of control, etc...all to avoid the pain of what it means to connect with a person. I ruined my marriage over it and did some damage to my children. Then three years ago I went to church and week by week I started to heal myself. I learned about forgiveness, forgiving my parents for doing what they did, forgiving my grandmother for her own issues with alcohol, forgiving my aunt when she left us and didn't even say a word until she was 1,000 miles away buying a new house and eventually forgiving myself for all the pain I caused the people I love the most. At church I learned that I am forgiven and not the broken human being I resigned myself to be and because of that I can forgive others and either repair or move on but holding on to that anger and pain never did anything but crush myself. I never needed the attention or routines to make myself feel like an okay person, I needed God who'd, unbeknownst to me, been with me all along.
Hey Sarah, so glad this resonated. And I’m a big believer in many paths, I definitely don’t think there’s one way toward healing. It sounds like you’ve found yours and it’s brought you a lot of peace, forgiveness and compassion. That’s the good stuff :) Sending you lots of love and hugs across the interwebs 🤍
absolutely! I just wanted to share what has helped me. There's hope for everyone who has dealt with painful blows and looking to deal with life in a functional way.
Let me begin with saying that I also hate goodbyes. I just recalled a memory of us, three kids, my brother, sister and I being left at grandparents for summer holiday and how I cried when our parents left.
I think I especially hate goodbyes to the good things. It's funny how easily we get used to the good things and then if somehow life takes them away we are left with a hole in our hearts.
I'd love to leave you here a translation of poem Stufen, by Herman Hesse
Really beautiful piece. I feel for that four-year-old girl, and yet am so heartened, reading this: "Maybe hating goodbyes is the same thing as really loving people, did you ever think of that? And maybe it isn’t a thing to fix."
Thanks so much, Rob. And yeah, that part took me a long time to figure out! Thanks for being here 🤍
I love the JLD podcast. I haven't listened to the Jane Fonda episode yet (I've been skipping around) but her conversations with her guests are so deep and revealing that they seriously move me. I put on Bonnie Raitt radio on Spotify after listening to that episode just because JLD was so in love with her! I needed to understand the fuss, LOL.
I tend to get stuck on the difference between someone responding to "You hurt my feelings/hurt me" by taking that information on the chin and apologizing in a genuine way vs. blowing it off and making it the hurt person's problem. I don't know if I expect too much out of an apology? Maybe that's where I'm projecting, because I really like this idea: "They do not beat themselves up or berate themselves for hours and days over being human and not getting everything right every second. They just accept they’re going to make mistakes sometimes and assume you will accept that, too. That’s a healthy person." I need to remember that!
Yes, I have yet to listen to an episode that hasn’t been an absolute treat/given me something to think about/taught me something or surprised me. It’s fantastic.
And oh my gosh do I get this. I am such a big fan of the heartfelt apology, both giving and receiving them. I had to do some work around it because I grew up being so scared to make a mistake I used to get totally freaked out if I screwed up as an adult and it made me defensive and scared to just say it when I’d hurt someone’s feelings or let them down (or let myself down by doing something I wished I hadn’t, etc). I don’t think intimacy is possible without trust and how can you trust someone who can’t say they’re sorry in a genuine way and then SHOW YOU that they are with changed behavior?
But yeah, I ALSO used to beat myself up badly if I made a mistake and I had to do some work around that, too. And I did project and assume everyone berated themselves like I did. There’s just this happy medium in being accountable and giving serious thought to situations where we inadvertently or thoughtlessly hurt someone’s feelings, and beating the crap out of ourselves. And that place that I look for in myself is the same place I hope the people closest to me will also look when they mess up. Like, think about it, examine in, figure out what you need to do to make a different choice next time, but don’t be horrible to yourself. Maybe I should write a whole essay just about this lol. Hugs!!
It would be a great essay topic! We're all human and imperfect, so all we can do is live, learn, move on, and aim to do better. It's the follow through and accountability that help make it possible, I think.
I love this so much and relate so much. My dad left my mom just after she was diagnosed with MS. Then my mom left me with my grandmother. I immediately got attached to a neighbor girl after moving in with my grandmother and then three years later she moved and I started to put up a wall. I would rather be alone than abandoned yet again. I still deal with it, in all my relationships. I have been dysfunctional all my life. Always filling that void in my soul with things and addictions (addicted to attention, addicted to exercise and yoga, using food to combat loss of control, etc...all to avoid the pain of what it means to connect with a person. I ruined my marriage over it and did some damage to my children. Then three years ago I went to church and week by week I started to heal myself. I learned about forgiveness, forgiving my parents for doing what they did, forgiving my grandmother for her own issues with alcohol, forgiving my aunt when she left us and didn't even say a word until she was 1,000 miles away buying a new house and eventually forgiving myself for all the pain I caused the people I love the most. At church I learned that I am forgiven and not the broken human being I resigned myself to be and because of that I can forgive others and either repair or move on but holding on to that anger and pain never did anything but crush myself. I never needed the attention or routines to make myself feel like an okay person, I needed God who'd, unbeknownst to me, been with me all along.
Hey Sarah, so glad this resonated. And I’m a big believer in many paths, I definitely don’t think there’s one way toward healing. It sounds like you’ve found yours and it’s brought you a lot of peace, forgiveness and compassion. That’s the good stuff :) Sending you lots of love and hugs across the interwebs 🤍
absolutely! I just wanted to share what has helped me. There's hope for everyone who has dealt with painful blows and looking to deal with life in a functional way.
Hi Ally,
Thank you for another beautiful essay.
Let me begin with saying that I also hate goodbyes. I just recalled a memory of us, three kids, my brother, sister and I being left at grandparents for summer holiday and how I cried when our parents left.
I think I especially hate goodbyes to the good things. It's funny how easily we get used to the good things and then if somehow life takes them away we are left with a hole in our hearts.
I'd love to leave you here a translation of poem Stufen, by Herman Hesse
Stages
As every flower fades and as all youth
Departs, so life at every stage,
So every virtue, so our grasp of truth,
Blooms in its day and may not last forever.
Since life may summon us at every age
Be ready, heart, for parting, new endeavor,
Be ready bravely and without remorse
To find new light that old ties cannot give.
In all beginnings dwells a magic force
For guarding us and helping us to live.
Serenely let us move to distant places
And let no sentiments of home detain us.
The Cosmic Spirit seeks not to restrain us
But lifts us stage by stage to wider spaces.
If we accept a home of our own making,
Familiar habit makes for indolence.
We must prepare for parting and leave-taking
Or else remain the slaves of permanence.
Even the hour of our death may send
Us speeding on to fresh and newer spaces,
And life may summon us to newer races.
So be it, heart: bid farewell without end.
Enjoy Potrugal and thank you for being here 🥰
Namaste
🙏
I love that and shall return the favor - the always-stunning Mary Oliver:
Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars
of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,
the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it
go,
to let it go.
Mary Oliver
In Blackwater Woods
Kills me every time.
Love from Portugal!
Oh I love this one Ally, thank you and may you and all around you in Portugal have a beautiful time together. 🥰