These people who lament the ruined so-called "promising futures" of men who attack women are psychopaths. These men do not have promising futures. They have despicable, reprehensible presents. The only promising futures these men destroy are the ones belonging to the women they violate. Anyone who doesn't understand that is sick in the head.
I got chills reading what you wrote about Harris and Walz. I never thought I'd feel relief and reassurance at hearing our presidential and VP candidates stand up for our rights and personhood in 2024, but I do. It makes me sad and hopeful in equal measure.
Thanks so much for your comments, Kate. When I looked up the Steven van de Velde case I saw that same verbiage from the judge. It made me think about Robert Chambers and Brock Turner and I don’t know if I ever focused on that one thing before - the way these men and their “promising” futures or “dashed dreams” are factored in - and like, WHAT?? The fact that we’re used to that messaging is wild. Can you imagine sitting there as the person who survived this person’s sociopathy/violence/entitlement etc etc and now you’re listening as the judge expresses sadness about his lost dreams? Like wtf reality is this? And these messages come at us so often and from so many directions we start to receive them as normal. But this isn’t normal.
And yeah, it surprised me when I got emotional watching Harris/Walz the other night, but I realized it’s because we have had such a lack of this - of open messaging from the exact opposite side, messaging that values girls and women. I don’t think I realized how much I needed to hear that and have that. I’m guessing a lot of us feel that way. Sending you tons of love and hugs. Thanks for being here, I’m so grateful to connect with you! 🤍
"It’s that feeling of being assaulted again, by a person’s utter lack of understanding, compassion or basic awareness." This line is powerful; I felt it so strongly that I had to make myself breathe again. The imbalance of blame - fault. Ignorance filters through the laws, the courts, the opinions, and the insensitive pontifications of those who have no empathy for the victim(s). The girl, the woman, is violated more than once for each event in her life when a man has taken advantage of her. Does she feel lucky to be alive?
Gosh well you got me right back with your comments, because that’s exactly it. We’re supposed to be grateful we get to exist. And I am tired of being assaulted by the words and actions of people who are part of a system that hurts us all. I have empathy because we’re all swimming in these same waters, soaking up these same messages, but it’s long overdue that those of us harmed the most start yelling that the water is toxic. And trying to do something about that. We deserve a lot more than a constant struggle to come up for air and claim our space. Thank you so much for being here, and for your incredible comments 🤍🤍
"I have empathy because we’re all swimming in these same waters, soaking up these same messages, but it’s long overdue that those of us harmed the most start yelling that the water is toxic. And trying to do something about that." -- Truth. Long, long, long overdue. It's been forty years since my attempted rape by a stranger in a parking lot, and I still remember the exact wording of the police report, composed by two male police officers who took my 'statement' while I was still in shock: "I am an eighteen-year-old attractive female with long, flowing blond hair which at the time of the attack I was wearing open". It was my hair's fault, so I chopped it off.
This makes me so sad and angry on your behalf. I’m so sorry you went through that, and then had to talk to two men about it after. And that your HAIR was mentioned ffs. I’m sending you hugs and love. Wish I’d been there with you, somehow. But I’m with you now and grateful we’ve connected 🤍🤍🤍
Yes, those words ring so true...I had such a similar triggering feeling the other day...it's wild how quickly my body reacted, I could sense how tense my body became and I was aware that I had started to hold my breath, my heart-rate was increasing, and there was an internal fire & rage building to a level where I felt like I wanted to kick someone in the head. All of this due to just a few words...my partner shared something a beloved father-like figure of ours said in reference to the new music video he just released (footage included a young-beautiful young lady swimming in a lake) and I just absolutely couldn't believe my ears, that this man I love and look up to had actually used such demeaning, misogynist, vile, inappropriate words to describe this woman from the clip. (For reference, think of Trump's infamous comments captured by Access Hollywood, fyi!) It's absolutely maddening & mind-boggling and completely heart-breaking we live in a world where men (who are otherwise mostly loving, respectful, decent humans) feel like it's ok and appropriate to talk about women in these sorts of ways! I'm still shocked TBH that he actually said what he said. Ooof!
It really is so disappointing when someone you’ve known a long time just has no understanding at all of what it’s like. I’m sorry you had that experience. I’m finding it impossible to keep my mouth shut when things like that happen around me these days. Obviously it’s different when it’s repeated to you after the fact, but no less upsetting. Hugs and love, I’m glad you’re here 🤍
This is another one I had to sleep on. Through the whole first half of your piece my rage was reignited over the Brock McStanfordSwimFucker and his “potential” and his stupid dad saying it was so sad he couldn’t even enjoy a steak and I wanted to blowtorch everyone involved from head to toe. Again.
But of course you revisited that incident and mentioned Chanel Miller, whose victim impact statement was so impressive and important, as was her book “Know My Name”. Beautifully written with honesty and clarity I could not fathom under the circumstances, especially at her age.
The story of the volleyball rapist is equally rage inducing. I really wish we didn’t have to keep having these debriefings but until there are more people like the two Swedish cyclists who not only stopped to get involved but also held Brock until the police came, it appears we must. Luckily my blowtorch has unlimited gas. 🔥 keep on doing what you do, Ally. 👏🏻
My heart broke for her reading "Know My Name" (it is linked in the essay, I hope people who haven't read it are seeing that!) It had already broken for her during the case, but her words and her story just killed me. The fact that the judge could have been concerned about that pig of a kid, that it even occurred to him to be talking about Brock's future, tells you everything you need to know about how effed up our society is around all this. And not just our society here, but I mean, look at the judge in Steven van de Velde's case. Same thing, same kind of language.
I long for the day when we don't need to assert our worth or reassure ourselves, when a political party that demeans, devalues and endangers girls and women is dismissed out of hand, when we can walk down streets alone at night and not worry, when we can just, live, y'know? And breathe and take up space. I hope we all get to see that and to have that.
Thanks so much for being here, for your thoughtful comments, and for being you <3
The story of the father getting unsupervised access is just...I'm so happy I will not have grandchildren. This is not a world I would inflict on an innocent.
Drugs only account for momentary passions. I saw a tv lawyer ask, "Why didn't you turn yourself in when you sobered up?" What we do when we are lucid again, when we are capable of thinking again, that tells you all you need to know. If you wake up and realize you did such a thing, even if you are frightened of consequences, does a good person keep their collection of their own child's sexual abuse? Its like discovering you are a werewolf. If you warn no one, take no preventive steps, and keep unspeakable souvenirs..that was intention.
I used to be Republican, but the abuses were too obvious by adulthood. Until Republicans are as pro-woman as the Democratic Party, it doesn't matter what promises or lies they make, I will never support them.
Couldn’t agree more. And neither of those drugs cause pedophilia, I was holding my head in my hands. I am appalled that we don’t have laws in place that rescind custody rights from registered sex offenders and make sure visitation, if it happens, is always supervised. Seems like the most obvious thing in the world.
And yes, I think there are a lot of people who used to vote Republican and no longer recognize the party. I’m really glad you’re here and thank you for your thoughtful comments 🤍
Thank you for lifting your voice on this issue. I was initially shocked to hear that he could compete in the Olympics and then, like you, felt despair that we don't seem to be moving the needle much on the issue of justice for survivors despite smart, brave women coming forward for years to share their stories in the hope of society seeing survivors as humans deserving to be believed and deserving justice.
It’s wild and enraging, isn’t it? I feel grateful that I can see it so clearly now, because for years - decades - I think I gaslit myself. I kept questioning what I was feeling and second-guessing my reaction to things and feeling broken for far too long because I just couldn’t figure out how to be okay in this world. And the last couple of decades I’ve realized more and more it’s the world that’s been broken, not me. And not being okay in a system that tells us we aren’t of equal value to boys and men is the correct reaction. I wonder if perimenopause is not the best thing that can happen to all of us because my god am I fired up now. I want a better world for my daughter (AND my son) and just a better world generally, for everyone. And I’m more than happy to be loud, enraged, determined, openly heartbroken and “impolite” to fight for that. Don’t threaten me with a good time, lol. Thanks so much for your comments, for sharing the essay (so appreciated) and for being here! 🤍🤍
Blisteringly true and I know you are okay, but I am still sorry that you were violated, both by a person who SAd you and also by that jackwagon at the dinner table. Have you ever seen the movie Promising Young Woman? I think about it like twice a day, and it really is about the RAGE of watching men do this shit and just get away with it.
I felt the same way watching Harris and Walz talk about our rights. I didn't think I would get so emotional, but I did, and I want to stay hopeful and optimistic but jeez....these past years have made it hard.
YES I did see that film and I think this is exactly the topic on my mind and something I hope I can articulate in the podcast in a couple of hours. I think in this instance rage and healing go hand in hand, and I’m not sure I feel that way with most other topics. I think it’s because girls and women in our culture are taught to swallow our rage and be “good” (polite, giving, nurturing, understanding) and the repression is what allows this bullshit to continue, and it also makes us all sick! So I think we need to let ourselves be enraged, and then use the rage to burn this system to the ground and build something better. If I don’t let myself feel that rage, then I can’t write about this and I can’t hit publish. Anyway, I’m still working this out in my head but that film is exactly it, I’m so grateful you brought it up.
And yes! Harris/Walz, my god what a joy and relief to hear them speak that way. I know it’s scary after 2016 (I read your fantastic essay this week too), but I have to let myself believe we are doing this. I really think we are. Sending you tons of love, thank you for being here! 🤍🤍
Thank you so much, Holle. I’m finding it impossible not to say all the things at this point! I don’t know if it’s being 53 and having no more fucks to give, having a 15-year-old daughter, or wanting to make sure we don’t have a repeat of 2016 (in whatever way I can), but I don’t seem able to keep quiet, and I’m glad (I think I’m glad, anyway). I was less scared to hit publish this week because the comments section has been pure gold. Thanks so much for being here 🤍
Thank you, Ally. You do show up on the page, don't you? So many of us have had these experiences. It's soul-sickening what women have to endure everyday. We go out at night alone walking down a street, and see men, and immediately freeze up inside, at least to some extent. When a kid I knew from nursery school tried to rape me when I was 14, I fought him off, and the first person I told was my mother. Her response? "Boys will be boys." She was afraid to make waves, to stir up trouble with his family. She sacrificed her self-esteem and the self-esteem and sense of safety of me, her only daughter. It only makes me wonder what she might have endured when she was young. Because she must have those hidden stories, too. It's a scary world out there, that we're still discussing this, dealing with it in real time, women walking through life with targets on their backs, 24/7. xoxo
Hi Ally, thank you for another beautiful essay! I agree with everything you say here. I have a young daughter and I must admit I worry what kind of world she'll be living in. I'm glad you share your view on these things.
Hope you and your family are well. Wishing you peace, now and always.
These people who lament the ruined so-called "promising futures" of men who attack women are psychopaths. These men do not have promising futures. They have despicable, reprehensible presents. The only promising futures these men destroy are the ones belonging to the women they violate. Anyone who doesn't understand that is sick in the head.
I got chills reading what you wrote about Harris and Walz. I never thought I'd feel relief and reassurance at hearing our presidential and VP candidates stand up for our rights and personhood in 2024, but I do. It makes me sad and hopeful in equal measure.
Thanks so much for your comments, Kate. When I looked up the Steven van de Velde case I saw that same verbiage from the judge. It made me think about Robert Chambers and Brock Turner and I don’t know if I ever focused on that one thing before - the way these men and their “promising” futures or “dashed dreams” are factored in - and like, WHAT?? The fact that we’re used to that messaging is wild. Can you imagine sitting there as the person who survived this person’s sociopathy/violence/entitlement etc etc and now you’re listening as the judge expresses sadness about his lost dreams? Like wtf reality is this? And these messages come at us so often and from so many directions we start to receive them as normal. But this isn’t normal.
And yeah, it surprised me when I got emotional watching Harris/Walz the other night, but I realized it’s because we have had such a lack of this - of open messaging from the exact opposite side, messaging that values girls and women. I don’t think I realized how much I needed to hear that and have that. I’m guessing a lot of us feel that way. Sending you tons of love and hugs. Thanks for being here, I’m so grateful to connect with you! 🤍
"It’s that feeling of being assaulted again, by a person’s utter lack of understanding, compassion or basic awareness." This line is powerful; I felt it so strongly that I had to make myself breathe again. The imbalance of blame - fault. Ignorance filters through the laws, the courts, the opinions, and the insensitive pontifications of those who have no empathy for the victim(s). The girl, the woman, is violated more than once for each event in her life when a man has taken advantage of her. Does she feel lucky to be alive?
Gosh well you got me right back with your comments, because that’s exactly it. We’re supposed to be grateful we get to exist. And I am tired of being assaulted by the words and actions of people who are part of a system that hurts us all. I have empathy because we’re all swimming in these same waters, soaking up these same messages, but it’s long overdue that those of us harmed the most start yelling that the water is toxic. And trying to do something about that. We deserve a lot more than a constant struggle to come up for air and claim our space. Thank you so much for being here, and for your incredible comments 🤍🤍
"I have empathy because we’re all swimming in these same waters, soaking up these same messages, but it’s long overdue that those of us harmed the most start yelling that the water is toxic. And trying to do something about that." -- Truth. Long, long, long overdue. It's been forty years since my attempted rape by a stranger in a parking lot, and I still remember the exact wording of the police report, composed by two male police officers who took my 'statement' while I was still in shock: "I am an eighteen-year-old attractive female with long, flowing blond hair which at the time of the attack I was wearing open". It was my hair's fault, so I chopped it off.
This makes me so sad and angry on your behalf. I’m so sorry you went through that, and then had to talk to two men about it after. And that your HAIR was mentioned ffs. I’m sending you hugs and love. Wish I’d been there with you, somehow. But I’m with you now and grateful we’ve connected 🤍🤍🤍
Yes, those words ring so true...I had such a similar triggering feeling the other day...it's wild how quickly my body reacted, I could sense how tense my body became and I was aware that I had started to hold my breath, my heart-rate was increasing, and there was an internal fire & rage building to a level where I felt like I wanted to kick someone in the head. All of this due to just a few words...my partner shared something a beloved father-like figure of ours said in reference to the new music video he just released (footage included a young-beautiful young lady swimming in a lake) and I just absolutely couldn't believe my ears, that this man I love and look up to had actually used such demeaning, misogynist, vile, inappropriate words to describe this woman from the clip. (For reference, think of Trump's infamous comments captured by Access Hollywood, fyi!) It's absolutely maddening & mind-boggling and completely heart-breaking we live in a world where men (who are otherwise mostly loving, respectful, decent humans) feel like it's ok and appropriate to talk about women in these sorts of ways! I'm still shocked TBH that he actually said what he said. Ooof!
It really is so disappointing when someone you’ve known a long time just has no understanding at all of what it’s like. I’m sorry you had that experience. I’m finding it impossible to keep my mouth shut when things like that happen around me these days. Obviously it’s different when it’s repeated to you after the fact, but no less upsetting. Hugs and love, I’m glad you’re here 🤍
This is another one I had to sleep on. Through the whole first half of your piece my rage was reignited over the Brock McStanfordSwimFucker and his “potential” and his stupid dad saying it was so sad he couldn’t even enjoy a steak and I wanted to blowtorch everyone involved from head to toe. Again.
But of course you revisited that incident and mentioned Chanel Miller, whose victim impact statement was so impressive and important, as was her book “Know My Name”. Beautifully written with honesty and clarity I could not fathom under the circumstances, especially at her age.
The story of the volleyball rapist is equally rage inducing. I really wish we didn’t have to keep having these debriefings but until there are more people like the two Swedish cyclists who not only stopped to get involved but also held Brock until the police came, it appears we must. Luckily my blowtorch has unlimited gas. 🔥 keep on doing what you do, Ally. 👏🏻
My heart broke for her reading "Know My Name" (it is linked in the essay, I hope people who haven't read it are seeing that!) It had already broken for her during the case, but her words and her story just killed me. The fact that the judge could have been concerned about that pig of a kid, that it even occurred to him to be talking about Brock's future, tells you everything you need to know about how effed up our society is around all this. And not just our society here, but I mean, look at the judge in Steven van de Velde's case. Same thing, same kind of language.
I long for the day when we don't need to assert our worth or reassure ourselves, when a political party that demeans, devalues and endangers girls and women is dismissed out of hand, when we can walk down streets alone at night and not worry, when we can just, live, y'know? And breathe and take up space. I hope we all get to see that and to have that.
Thanks so much for being here, for your thoughtful comments, and for being you <3
You are a light in a dark place. Thank you
Thank you so much. That hit me right in the heart ❤️
The story of the father getting unsupervised access is just...I'm so happy I will not have grandchildren. This is not a world I would inflict on an innocent.
Drugs only account for momentary passions. I saw a tv lawyer ask, "Why didn't you turn yourself in when you sobered up?" What we do when we are lucid again, when we are capable of thinking again, that tells you all you need to know. If you wake up and realize you did such a thing, even if you are frightened of consequences, does a good person keep their collection of their own child's sexual abuse? Its like discovering you are a werewolf. If you warn no one, take no preventive steps, and keep unspeakable souvenirs..that was intention.
I used to be Republican, but the abuses were too obvious by adulthood. Until Republicans are as pro-woman as the Democratic Party, it doesn't matter what promises or lies they make, I will never support them.
Couldn’t agree more. And neither of those drugs cause pedophilia, I was holding my head in my hands. I am appalled that we don’t have laws in place that rescind custody rights from registered sex offenders and make sure visitation, if it happens, is always supervised. Seems like the most obvious thing in the world.
And yes, I think there are a lot of people who used to vote Republican and no longer recognize the party. I’m really glad you’re here and thank you for your thoughtful comments 🤍
Thank you for lifting your voice on this issue. I was initially shocked to hear that he could compete in the Olympics and then, like you, felt despair that we don't seem to be moving the needle much on the issue of justice for survivors despite smart, brave women coming forward for years to share their stories in the hope of society seeing survivors as humans deserving to be believed and deserving justice.
It’s wild and enraging, isn’t it? I feel grateful that I can see it so clearly now, because for years - decades - I think I gaslit myself. I kept questioning what I was feeling and second-guessing my reaction to things and feeling broken for far too long because I just couldn’t figure out how to be okay in this world. And the last couple of decades I’ve realized more and more it’s the world that’s been broken, not me. And not being okay in a system that tells us we aren’t of equal value to boys and men is the correct reaction. I wonder if perimenopause is not the best thing that can happen to all of us because my god am I fired up now. I want a better world for my daughter (AND my son) and just a better world generally, for everyone. And I’m more than happy to be loud, enraged, determined, openly heartbroken and “impolite” to fight for that. Don’t threaten me with a good time, lol. Thanks so much for your comments, for sharing the essay (so appreciated) and for being here! 🤍🤍
Blisteringly true and I know you are okay, but I am still sorry that you were violated, both by a person who SAd you and also by that jackwagon at the dinner table. Have you ever seen the movie Promising Young Woman? I think about it like twice a day, and it really is about the RAGE of watching men do this shit and just get away with it.
I felt the same way watching Harris and Walz talk about our rights. I didn't think I would get so emotional, but I did, and I want to stay hopeful and optimistic but jeez....these past years have made it hard.
YES I did see that film and I think this is exactly the topic on my mind and something I hope I can articulate in the podcast in a couple of hours. I think in this instance rage and healing go hand in hand, and I’m not sure I feel that way with most other topics. I think it’s because girls and women in our culture are taught to swallow our rage and be “good” (polite, giving, nurturing, understanding) and the repression is what allows this bullshit to continue, and it also makes us all sick! So I think we need to let ourselves be enraged, and then use the rage to burn this system to the ground and build something better. If I don’t let myself feel that rage, then I can’t write about this and I can’t hit publish. Anyway, I’m still working this out in my head but that film is exactly it, I’m so grateful you brought it up.
And yes! Harris/Walz, my god what a joy and relief to hear them speak that way. I know it’s scary after 2016 (I read your fantastic essay this week too), but I have to let myself believe we are doing this. I really think we are. Sending you tons of love, thank you for being here! 🤍🤍
"No one was saying anything. No one was telling this man he was fucked in the head and that made no sense at all..."
Thank you for saying all the deeply validating, necessary and brave things that do matter. I'm looking forward to more of your voice.
Thank you so much, Holle. I’m finding it impossible not to say all the things at this point! I don’t know if it’s being 53 and having no more fucks to give, having a 15-year-old daughter, or wanting to make sure we don’t have a repeat of 2016 (in whatever way I can), but I don’t seem able to keep quiet, and I’m glad (I think I’m glad, anyway). I was less scared to hit publish this week because the comments section has been pure gold. Thanks so much for being here 🤍
thank you Ally
very powerful
very important
Thanks so much, Emma. And thank you for being here! 🤍🤍
Thank you, Ally. You do show up on the page, don't you? So many of us have had these experiences. It's soul-sickening what women have to endure everyday. We go out at night alone walking down a street, and see men, and immediately freeze up inside, at least to some extent. When a kid I knew from nursery school tried to rape me when I was 14, I fought him off, and the first person I told was my mother. Her response? "Boys will be boys." She was afraid to make waves, to stir up trouble with his family. She sacrificed her self-esteem and the self-esteem and sense of safety of me, her only daughter. It only makes me wonder what she might have endured when she was young. Because she must have those hidden stories, too. It's a scary world out there, that we're still discussing this, dealing with it in real time, women walking through life with targets on their backs, 24/7. xoxo
Hi Ally, thank you for another beautiful essay! I agree with everything you say here. I have a young daughter and I must admit I worry what kind of world she'll be living in. I'm glad you share your view on these things.
Hope you and your family are well. Wishing you peace, now and always.
Namaste 🙏