This is so beautiful that words fail me. I feel this down to a cellular level. I lost my beautiful and amazing mother when I was 25 and before I ever had children. I wish I had her every day of my life, some days more than others. Thank you for sharing this. 💔❤️
I can't find the right words right now but there was a lot I felt, a lot I know (and wish I didn't) and a whole lot of heart in this piece that is stronger for the tears it's had to mend.
Yes the mother you love who was never there for you. I had to let this sit with me for a bit … but I’ve always known it. My best friend had an actual relationship with my mom. I was always my mom’s helper caring for my 3 younger brothers. It takes quite a chunk out of you.
It’s so painful when that relationship is complicated and you see the person is capable of loving other people but it is somehow hard with you when it ought to be the easiest thing in the world. Something like that. Sending you tons of love from someone in the club 🤍
"I know that when I tried to fix her in all the years that followed, it broke me more and made me feel I wasn’t enough, and worse - that I was stupid to think I might have been enough. I know that later, way later, I was drawn toward people who made me feel the same way. Stupid to think I might have been enough. Can you really fix a break if it began inside someone else? If I glue myself together, but the thing that caused the break is still in rageful pieces, will I ever be whole, healed, shiny, strong?" This was me and my mother after my father died. She never really healed. I think I may be.
Grateful this resonated, Julie. It’s a strange thing to figure out where our parents end and we begin or if there are even endings and beginnings to tug away at. I know I had to move 3000 miles away from my mom to get disentangled but I also know - now that she’s gone - how much I carry her in my heart. Lots of love to you 🤍
Gosh, so similar! I too went 3K away. There was some disentanglement, but then I had to care for her during her dementia. Lots of rhymes here with your piece. Appreciate it.
I spent the last month of my mother’s life in the ICU with her. We actually did a lot of healing there, thankfully. Leave it to her to wait til her death bed to consider maybe her POV had been just a little skewed by the alcoholism 🤍
"Question: how are you paid to be the head of a department, how is that your job description when you blame a sixteen-year-old for the outrageous behavior of the grown men you hired?" Because the alternative is to act like a grown adult and take responsibility for your actions. So many men have been trained and conditioned to believe, deep in their souls, that the DESERVE what they have (and more!) and if you are standing in their way, then YOU are the problem. It's so much easier to just move through life assuming that women are the problem.
God, yes. I think if there were three moments in time (and it’s very hard to pick 3) that I could enter now as my 52-year-old self and help my younger self out, that one would be one of them. I’d love to tell that POS off.
It's good you are talking about it now. That shit should not hide and fester. Men like that count on silence and discomfort and social pressure to help them. Default to them. Time to turn the tables fucker. It's YOUR turn to justify your actions. Your continued existence in this place of power, authority, trust. YOUR TURN to be put on trial for the audacity of existing in a way that is displeasing/uncomfortable/not the preference of women generally existence in proximity to you.
Thank you, you have made me understand a lot more than I ever realised, both about my Mother and my relationships. I hope I am a good mother now, I've been broken so many times but my children always come first.
I’ve been going back and back and back. Trying to figure out which break was THE break. This was mesmerizing and familiar at the same time. Beautiful writing for very painful subject(s).
Thanks so much, Kim. I think a lot of this has become clearer to me in the wake of losing both parents over the last few years (not that I wish this clarity on anyone). One of the most interesting things is that the relationships keep evolving even after people are no longer here. That was news to me, anyway. Sending you lots of love 🤍
I am coming up to the anniversary of my mom’s death in the next couple of days. I totally understand about the evolving relationship even after they are gone. My dad died when I was young, so I had the luxury of making up what the relationship would have been if he’d been alive. Of course it was beautiful and rosy. My mom disavowed those notions in a hurry. She quickly burst my make believe bubble. It’s difficult when you’ve had to be your parents’ parent. I much prefer being a mama bear to my own kids! And keeping my fingers crossed I haven’t messed them up too much. They’re adults with kids if their own now. It’s beautiful when you can see the beginnings of the break in the dysfunction cycle. (Fingers crossed!🤞)
I hope the anniversary isn’t too hard for you and I so understand what you’re saying. Clearly we are in the same club. Huge hugs to you and lots of love 🤍🤍🤍
This is full of truths. It is only when we recognize the break that we start to heal. There are so many brilliant sentences in this. The difference between moving towards those who chip away at our broken edges versus moving towards those who recognize us! Yes. I’m not feeling able to string words together eloquently right now but thank you for sharing this.
i could not stop reading this it's so so good
Thank you so much, Alex.
Thanks so much, I hope so too 🤍
I needed this one tonight. Thank you, Ally. To doing whatever it takes.
Cheers to that! 🤍
This is so beautiful that words fail me. I feel this down to a cellular level. I lost my beautiful and amazing mother when I was 25 and before I ever had children. I wish I had her every day of my life, some days more than others. Thank you for sharing this. 💔❤️
Wow, you just brought me to tears instantly. Thank you for saying this, your words didn’t fail you at all. Sending you so much love 🤍
Sending that love right back to you, lady. ❤️❤️❤️
I can't find the right words right now but there was a lot I felt, a lot I know (and wish I didn't) and a whole lot of heart in this piece that is stronger for the tears it's had to mend.
Thank you for writing this 🫶🏻
Thank you so much, Casper. It’s a tough club to be in but it helps to know we’re not alone 🤍
Yes the mother you love who was never there for you. I had to let this sit with me for a bit … but I’ve always known it. My best friend had an actual relationship with my mom. I was always my mom’s helper caring for my 3 younger brothers. It takes quite a chunk out of you.
Thank you for writing and publishing
It’s so painful when that relationship is complicated and you see the person is capable of loving other people but it is somehow hard with you when it ought to be the easiest thing in the world. Something like that. Sending you tons of love from someone in the club 🤍
Powerful and beautiful essay. Whew! This really resonated.
Thanks so much, Robyn 🤍
"I know that when I tried to fix her in all the years that followed, it broke me more and made me feel I wasn’t enough, and worse - that I was stupid to think I might have been enough. I know that later, way later, I was drawn toward people who made me feel the same way. Stupid to think I might have been enough. Can you really fix a break if it began inside someone else? If I glue myself together, but the thing that caused the break is still in rageful pieces, will I ever be whole, healed, shiny, strong?" This was me and my mother after my father died. She never really healed. I think I may be.
Grateful this resonated, Julie. It’s a strange thing to figure out where our parents end and we begin or if there are even endings and beginnings to tug away at. I know I had to move 3000 miles away from my mom to get disentangled but I also know - now that she’s gone - how much I carry her in my heart. Lots of love to you 🤍
Gosh, so similar! I too went 3K away. There was some disentanglement, but then I had to care for her during her dementia. Lots of rhymes here with your piece. Appreciate it.
I spent the last month of my mother’s life in the ICU with her. We actually did a lot of healing there, thankfully. Leave it to her to wait til her death bed to consider maybe her POV had been just a little skewed by the alcoholism 🤍
"Question: how are you paid to be the head of a department, how is that your job description when you blame a sixteen-year-old for the outrageous behavior of the grown men you hired?" Because the alternative is to act like a grown adult and take responsibility for your actions. So many men have been trained and conditioned to believe, deep in their souls, that the DESERVE what they have (and more!) and if you are standing in their way, then YOU are the problem. It's so much easier to just move through life assuming that women are the problem.
God, yes. I think if there were three moments in time (and it’s very hard to pick 3) that I could enter now as my 52-year-old self and help my younger self out, that one would be one of them. I’d love to tell that POS off.
It's good you are talking about it now. That shit should not hide and fester. Men like that count on silence and discomfort and social pressure to help them. Default to them. Time to turn the tables fucker. It's YOUR turn to justify your actions. Your continued existence in this place of power, authority, trust. YOUR TURN to be put on trial for the audacity of existing in a way that is displeasing/uncomfortable/not the preference of women generally existence in proximity to you.
How far back can you trace the break? What a question and what a compelling and beautiful essay.
Love that you are the first reply and love you more than I will ever be able to say 🤍but I know you know.
I feel connected to you in a profound way Sister. Thank you for speaking truth for those whose voice has been or is silenced.
Thank you so much for this comment. That means the world to me 🤍
Thank you, you have made me understand a lot more than I ever realised, both about my Mother and my relationships. I hope I am a good mother now, I've been broken so many times but my children always come first.
Thank you so much and I have no doubt you’re a great mom. I think those of us who worry about it are the ones loving their hearts out 🤍
Gosh, this is so powerful and relatable
Thanks so much, Sue 🤍
I’ve been going back and back and back. Trying to figure out which break was THE break. This was mesmerizing and familiar at the same time. Beautiful writing for very painful subject(s).
Thanks so much, Kim. I think a lot of this has become clearer to me in the wake of losing both parents over the last few years (not that I wish this clarity on anyone). One of the most interesting things is that the relationships keep evolving even after people are no longer here. That was news to me, anyway. Sending you lots of love 🤍
I am coming up to the anniversary of my mom’s death in the next couple of days. I totally understand about the evolving relationship even after they are gone. My dad died when I was young, so I had the luxury of making up what the relationship would have been if he’d been alive. Of course it was beautiful and rosy. My mom disavowed those notions in a hurry. She quickly burst my make believe bubble. It’s difficult when you’ve had to be your parents’ parent. I much prefer being a mama bear to my own kids! And keeping my fingers crossed I haven’t messed them up too much. They’re adults with kids if their own now. It’s beautiful when you can see the beginnings of the break in the dysfunction cycle. (Fingers crossed!🤞)
I hope the anniversary isn’t too hard for you and I so understand what you’re saying. Clearly we are in the same club. Huge hugs to you and lots of love 🤍🤍🤍
This is full of truths. It is only when we recognize the break that we start to heal. There are so many brilliant sentences in this. The difference between moving towards those who chip away at our broken edges versus moving towards those who recognize us! Yes. I’m not feeling able to string words together eloquently right now but thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much, Sarah. I loved your words 🤍
This was one of the most beautiful pieces I’ve read in a long time
Thank you so much 🤍🤍🤍