Ohhh... Allyyyyyyyyyyyyy I loved this essay and I can't wait for the talk.
As busyyyy as I am, reading it quietly is a luxury when time permits, and it allows me to reflect on how I relate to it.
In many ways this reminds me on how I used to deal with my dad. How I feared him when he would come home late, becoming unpredictable, untolerable.
How my mom dealt with it, how we all dealt with it. The thing with the elbow. Your tall ceiling, and the wide walls... all relatable. The fear. The unsaid words... and a lot more...
I’m both grateful and sad this resonated so deeply. It’s very hard when you have a parent you love, who doesn’t always make it easy. There is often so much generational trauma getting passed on along with genes, and it’s the hardest and most rewarding thing to break the cycle. I know you know. Sending you lots of love, Katty. So happy you’re here 🤍🤍
I read every single one of your essays a couple of times and relate to pretty much all of it. It seriously looks like so many of us have dated this same person at some point in our lives (and sometimes multiple points in our lives), and hopefully we've managed to walk away before it was too late.
Yes, I think most people have at least some experience with this kind of relationship, and some of us rode the ride more than once. I definitely drew from a few relationships while writing this and am very happy to say this kind of behavior no longer fascinates me or draws me in, it repels me. Live and learn as they say. Autocorrect turned that into love and learn which also works! I’m so happy you’re here, I always love your comments 🤍🤍
Very relatable. The parallel between your relationship with your mother and the role you had with your boyfriend/husband, I felt all of it. Like many of your readers, I have also been there. Living in a static state of fear and knowing it should be different and yet not doing the thing you should do. Other people look down on that because they are on the outside and it's so much easier to tell someone what to do. But this essay isn't for them. It's for the people who had parents or a parent who didn't forge a meaningful connection with them and didn't love much at all. It's for the people who had to tolerate a mom or dad and just hope that it would change, or that they would at least just drink themselves to sleep or find a boyfriend so they'd take their attention off you. And of course it's for those who got married and then realized that they were not equipped for it, had no idea how to be a person living with another person and how to accommodate for that. It's for people who just aren't or at one point weren't strong enough or financially stable enough or secure enough in themselves to "just do the thing." Yes, this is for them.
Yes, I think there are so many people who’ve been in at least one of these kinds of relationships and it’s so painful. I do think if it’s a pattern then there’s probably something old at play. And it’s such a relief to overcome the pull to repeat the pattern. Sending you lots of love, thanks for your thoughtful comments and for being here 🤍
Hey Ally, I'm on the way back home from a little village near the city I live. I was helping a friend to paint her house. I saw notification you published the new essay and for a second I thought I'd read it when I get home, but then I started reading anyway.
I must say this one made me sad and I wish I could just hug you and perhaps we could just talk over a coffee and we will be saying long and complicated sentences and laugh. It's funny how internet made it possible to make friends with someone thousands miles away and have a conversation and connect. For what it's worth, the sadness I felt made me like you even more. I love how vulnerable you are here with us all and I think it's allowing me to also take the knife out of my heart (luckily it's not deep this time) and acknowledge whatever pain or sadness I'm feeling (not today though) and let it go.
I love seeing you through your words and oh my God I love your essays!
I wish you a wonderful day and as always, thank you for being here and everything. I appreciate you! Namaste x
Thank you so much, Peter. There are a couple of writers I I stop everything for and read, and it means a lot to me that I am in that category for you (though I’d never be upset if you waited until you were home 🤣). And thank you for your kind words - it’s funny, as I’ve gotten older I’ve sort of made friends with sadness. I wouldn’t want it to be a constant companion, mind you, but I’m happy to have tea with it and write an essay when the mood strikes. This was a painful time in my life but I am grateful to say it’s not the kind of thing I’d put up with today so yay for healing and growth! Sending you tons of love, thankful you’re also pulling the knife out of your own heart! 🤍🤍
I felt this deeply. Earlier today I was texting with my partner and literally said:
Just because I’m fully aware that my constant desire to please you and hear you say I matter/ am loved/missed/needed/respected blah blah blah stems from unresolved daddy issues, doesn’t make the desire of it less powerful
It’s good to know you’re doing it….better to understand why…but it’s still incredibly hard to leave someone who instinctively understands that it’s the withholding that keeps you desperately trying.
There’s almost no way to come out of a childhood with a parent who was withholding for whatever reason and not develop an anxious attachment style, and there’s no more painful pairing than the anxiously attached partner with the avoidant one. (Definitely not saying that’s what you have going on, just sharing my own experience). I dealt with that more than once and it is just so debilitating. The good news is attachment styles aren’t set in stone and eventually I ran out of energy to keep begging for just a little sensitivity, consideration, decency, etc. because life is too short. I’m sending you tons of love and hugs. I’m sorry you know exactly how this feels and feel free to message me if you need a little support 🤍
Ally this is so good. It's also helpful, because it was the same for me. Thank you.
So glad this was meaningful to you 🤍🤍
Ohhh... Allyyyyyyyyyyyyy I loved this essay and I can't wait for the talk.
As busyyyy as I am, reading it quietly is a luxury when time permits, and it allows me to reflect on how I relate to it.
In many ways this reminds me on how I used to deal with my dad. How I feared him when he would come home late, becoming unpredictable, untolerable.
How my mom dealt with it, how we all dealt with it. The thing with the elbow. Your tall ceiling, and the wide walls... all relatable. The fear. The unsaid words... and a lot more...
My time is up now. Back to work... 😔
I’m both grateful and sad this resonated so deeply. It’s very hard when you have a parent you love, who doesn’t always make it easy. There is often so much generational trauma getting passed on along with genes, and it’s the hardest and most rewarding thing to break the cycle. I know you know. Sending you lots of love, Katty. So happy you’re here 🤍🤍
I read every single one of your essays a couple of times and relate to pretty much all of it. It seriously looks like so many of us have dated this same person at some point in our lives (and sometimes multiple points in our lives), and hopefully we've managed to walk away before it was too late.
Yes, I think most people have at least some experience with this kind of relationship, and some of us rode the ride more than once. I definitely drew from a few relationships while writing this and am very happy to say this kind of behavior no longer fascinates me or draws me in, it repels me. Live and learn as they say. Autocorrect turned that into love and learn which also works! I’m so happy you’re here, I always love your comments 🤍🤍
Very relatable. The parallel between your relationship with your mother and the role you had with your boyfriend/husband, I felt all of it. Like many of your readers, I have also been there. Living in a static state of fear and knowing it should be different and yet not doing the thing you should do. Other people look down on that because they are on the outside and it's so much easier to tell someone what to do. But this essay isn't for them. It's for the people who had parents or a parent who didn't forge a meaningful connection with them and didn't love much at all. It's for the people who had to tolerate a mom or dad and just hope that it would change, or that they would at least just drink themselves to sleep or find a boyfriend so they'd take their attention off you. And of course it's for those who got married and then realized that they were not equipped for it, had no idea how to be a person living with another person and how to accommodate for that. It's for people who just aren't or at one point weren't strong enough or financially stable enough or secure enough in themselves to "just do the thing." Yes, this is for them.
Yes, I think there are so many people who’ve been in at least one of these kinds of relationships and it’s so painful. I do think if it’s a pattern then there’s probably something old at play. And it’s such a relief to overcome the pull to repeat the pattern. Sending you lots of love, thanks for your thoughtful comments and for being here 🤍
Hey Ally, I'm on the way back home from a little village near the city I live. I was helping a friend to paint her house. I saw notification you published the new essay and for a second I thought I'd read it when I get home, but then I started reading anyway.
I must say this one made me sad and I wish I could just hug you and perhaps we could just talk over a coffee and we will be saying long and complicated sentences and laugh. It's funny how internet made it possible to make friends with someone thousands miles away and have a conversation and connect. For what it's worth, the sadness I felt made me like you even more. I love how vulnerable you are here with us all and I think it's allowing me to also take the knife out of my heart (luckily it's not deep this time) and acknowledge whatever pain or sadness I'm feeling (not today though) and let it go.
I love seeing you through your words and oh my God I love your essays!
I wish you a wonderful day and as always, thank you for being here and everything. I appreciate you! Namaste x
Thank you so much, Peter. There are a couple of writers I I stop everything for and read, and it means a lot to me that I am in that category for you (though I’d never be upset if you waited until you were home 🤣). And thank you for your kind words - it’s funny, as I’ve gotten older I’ve sort of made friends with sadness. I wouldn’t want it to be a constant companion, mind you, but I’m happy to have tea with it and write an essay when the mood strikes. This was a painful time in my life but I am grateful to say it’s not the kind of thing I’d put up with today so yay for healing and growth! Sending you tons of love, thankful you’re also pulling the knife out of your own heart! 🤍🤍
I felt this deeply. Earlier today I was texting with my partner and literally said:
Just because I’m fully aware that my constant desire to please you and hear you say I matter/ am loved/missed/needed/respected blah blah blah stems from unresolved daddy issues, doesn’t make the desire of it less powerful
It’s good to know you’re doing it….better to understand why…but it’s still incredibly hard to leave someone who instinctively understands that it’s the withholding that keeps you desperately trying.
There’s almost no way to come out of a childhood with a parent who was withholding for whatever reason and not develop an anxious attachment style, and there’s no more painful pairing than the anxiously attached partner with the avoidant one. (Definitely not saying that’s what you have going on, just sharing my own experience). I dealt with that more than once and it is just so debilitating. The good news is attachment styles aren’t set in stone and eventually I ran out of energy to keep begging for just a little sensitivity, consideration, decency, etc. because life is too short. I’m sending you tons of love and hugs. I’m sorry you know exactly how this feels and feel free to message me if you need a little support 🤍