"But this was the seventies, and my parents were caught up in their own lives. The well from which Gen X hath sprung forth." Yeah. So much of what you have written resonates, especially about midlife, teeth grinding, migraine, breathing. Last week I got sick for the first time since before Covid. (But still, somehow, it was not Covid.) All of which is to say, you're not alone on the path you're walking. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not, either.
Thank you for this beautiful comment. My mother used to say “it’s all grist for the mill” and the older I get, the more I appreciate that sentiment. Really good to connect with you, Rita, I’m glad you’re here, and I know we Gen Xers do better when we meet each other on the path. Latchkey kids no more, but sometimes it still feels that way! Xo
Yeah, wouldn't it be great if, as approached the door to midlife, it had swung open and standing on the threshold was an older woman waiting with a plate of warm cookies and answers to all our questions? Good thing we can bake them for each other, now that we're inside. xo back at ya.
Hi Wendy! I started writing this Tuesday, that’s the day I woke up with a fever. Feeling much better, no more fever, just waiting for the rest of it to move along :) Maybe I should make alphabet soup. Lots of love xx
As I was reading this, I remembered a friend I had in 3rd grade. Kevin had asthma, and sometimes, he told me, when he was having an asthma attack and couldn't breathe, afraid he was going to die, his parents would wait before taking him to the hospital to "make sure" he was having a "real" attack. (I did not like Kevin's parents.)
Wow, that is amazing and not in a good way. I don’t think I like Kevin’s parents either lol. But I also don’t think we ever went to the hospital. My dad used to have me bend over the back of a chair because that’s what his dad did. He had it, too, apparently. Not sure which is worse now that I think about it. How did any of us survive the 70’s? 🤍
When I was like 3 I would sit on the console of my grandparent’s car while my grandfather was driving. No seatbelt, face like a foot from the dashboard of the car. We should all be dead.
I’m laughing because I remember how my grandma would throw her arm across my body if we had to stop short while I rode in the bench seat next to her while she drove - no seatbelt of course. As if the power of her arm was like the jaws of life. I haven’t even mentioned that she was often smoking a cigarette with the other hand.
I think about the way I strapped my kids into their professionally-installed car seats after feeding them homemade baby food because god forbid the jarred stuff, and I laugh.
I experienced a lot of cognitive dissonance when my daughters were little because of car seats. I’d strap them in while remembering standing up in the back of a pickup going 70 down the highway.
This reminds me of my parents, and not in a good way. Thank you for writing this, it was beautiful. (I'm in the middle of a bronchitis episode, and I still forced myself to wait four weeks before going to the doctor to make sure I was REALLY sick...ugh)
I’ll be back to comment later. Too much to say and I’m on my phone waiting in the lobby of my mother’s place to have Rosh Hashanah dinner. Oh boy, do we have to talk!
In the words of Chandler Bing, "Could you be anymore spot on"? As a fellow Gen-Xer, child of divorce, and latch-key kid, this essay is very relatable. I have no memories of any adult in my life helping me with big emotions. After my parents' divorce, my Mom fell into a depression and ate very little. She also had several scary bouts of pneumonia and pleurisy. My little brother had asthma, speech, and fine motor issues. Much of the focus was on his health. I was the "easy one". When my mother remarried a man with a son my brother's age, everyone but me went to therapy to help with the transition. I remember therapy being kind of hush-hush and new-agey in the early 80s. Because I was a "good" kid, I was fine in my parents' minds. Somewhere in grade school, I started to get stomach aches. They continued into my teens. I went through many tests, and was told it was, "just stress". I find that term to be ironic because now we know stress can cause physical issues.
Unfortunately, I have gotten really skilled at ignoring my emotions and feelings. However, my body tells me things are not okay. Recently, I moved my son into his first apartment after college. He had been home for 4 months and I loved it. During the move, I felt "surges" (for lack of a better word). These surges terrify me as they bring me back to being a child searching for control when I had none. I am working on connecting the physical to the emotional. Listening and reading your pod cast and essays is so very helpful as I am reminded I am not the only one.
Oh Kristin, I relate so much. Being the “easy one” comes with an intense amount of pressure. And being easy and helpful becomes part of the way you feel pride in yourself and like you have value, and of course the flip side is you can’t ever show that you need help - needing help becomes a failure in your mind. It’s such a mess. And overriding signs from your body is all part of it.
I laugh/cry when I think about how I danced on my toes for years and years. It was such a lesson in overriding signs my body was sending me and it became a way of life. Probably why it took 15 years on my yoga mat before I really got the memo. But better late than never, right? At least the last 20 I realized I had to include myself in my circle of compassion. But I still have to remind myself many days. Many!
I’m so happy I know you. I can really imagine what it must be like to go into the NEXT phase where your kids are out in the world, not “just” at college when you know they’ll be home for the holidays. But I guess we just keep adjusting, right? And so far it seems like our kids like hanging out with us, so to me that is EVERYTHING. We did it, lol. Anyway, I’m sending you tons of love and hugs and Gen X commiseration. Thank god we all seem to find each other. It’s like a huge club of kids with no leader, no rule book, and no fucking mascot. But we still seem to know the secret handshake. Goonies forever, Chandler Bing FTW. Love you ❤️
In Germany, where I’m from, we have a lot of sayings that relate to the body-mind connection in stark, literal terms. There is, of course, the equivalent of ‘scared shitless’, but also “Ich hab die Nase voll” = my nose is stuffed = I’ve had it up to here with your crap, etc. etc. Ancient word wisdom points to the body as the representation of the soul. Just saying. Be well.
You don’t have to convince me! And I like those sayings you shared. I also love how we have so many sensation-based descriptors in writing, like the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, or I had butterflies in my stomach, or my blood was boiling. But yeah, I have no doubt whatsoever about the mind-body connection, or stress-related physical symptoms. I do get worried when people go to the extreme end of the spectrum. There are certainly genetic and environmental factors too, but yeah. Good stuff. And everything in my life improved when I started meditating and practicing yoga and eating in a way that nourished me, which was a totally foreign concept when I was twenty. Hugs to you as always xx
"But this was the seventies, and my parents were caught up in their own lives. The well from which Gen X hath sprung forth." Yeah. So much of what you have written resonates, especially about midlife, teeth grinding, migraine, breathing. Last week I got sick for the first time since before Covid. (But still, somehow, it was not Covid.) All of which is to say, you're not alone on the path you're walking. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not, either.
Thank you for this beautiful comment. My mother used to say “it’s all grist for the mill” and the older I get, the more I appreciate that sentiment. Really good to connect with you, Rita, I’m glad you’re here, and I know we Gen Xers do better when we meet each other on the path. Latchkey kids no more, but sometimes it still feels that way! Xo
Yeah, wouldn't it be great if, as approached the door to midlife, it had swung open and standing on the threshold was an older woman waiting with a plate of warm cookies and answers to all our questions? Good thing we can bake them for each other, now that we're inside. xo back at ya.
That is a wonderful fantasy and I think someone should make it happen. Maybe we can add a masseuse, haha.
Maybe we can be that for the women coming behind us. And hell yeah for the masseuse.
Hope you’re breathing more easily, Ally. You’ve been through a lot.
So glad your son’s settling in ok. x
Hi Wendy! I started writing this Tuesday, that’s the day I woke up with a fever. Feeling much better, no more fever, just waiting for the rest of it to move along :) Maybe I should make alphabet soup. Lots of love xx
As I was reading this, I remembered a friend I had in 3rd grade. Kevin had asthma, and sometimes, he told me, when he was having an asthma attack and couldn't breathe, afraid he was going to die, his parents would wait before taking him to the hospital to "make sure" he was having a "real" attack. (I did not like Kevin's parents.)
I hope you're breathing better soon.
Wow, that is amazing and not in a good way. I don’t think I like Kevin’s parents either lol. But I also don’t think we ever went to the hospital. My dad used to have me bend over the back of a chair because that’s what his dad did. He had it, too, apparently. Not sure which is worse now that I think about it. How did any of us survive the 70’s? 🤍
When I was like 3 I would sit on the console of my grandparent’s car while my grandfather was driving. No seatbelt, face like a foot from the dashboard of the car. We should all be dead.
I’m laughing because I remember how my grandma would throw her arm across my body if we had to stop short while I rode in the bench seat next to her while she drove - no seatbelt of course. As if the power of her arm was like the jaws of life. I haven’t even mentioned that she was often smoking a cigarette with the other hand.
You just exactly described my mother.
I think about the way I strapped my kids into their professionally-installed car seats after feeding them homemade baby food because god forbid the jarred stuff, and I laugh.
I experienced a lot of cognitive dissonance when my daughters were little because of car seats. I’d strap them in while remembering standing up in the back of a pickup going 70 down the highway.
This reminds me of my parents, and not in a good way. Thank you for writing this, it was beautiful. (I'm in the middle of a bronchitis episode, and I still forced myself to wait four weeks before going to the doctor to make sure I was REALLY sick...ugh)
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. I really hope you’re feeling better soon 🙏🏼🤍
I’ll be back to comment later. Too much to say and I’m on my phone waiting in the lobby of my mother’s place to have Rosh Hashanah dinner. Oh boy, do we have to talk!
Ha! I look forward to that! I hope you have a wonderful time with your mom. And you know where to find me if you need a break ;) Happy New Year, Nan 🤍
In the words of Chandler Bing, "Could you be anymore spot on"? As a fellow Gen-Xer, child of divorce, and latch-key kid, this essay is very relatable. I have no memories of any adult in my life helping me with big emotions. After my parents' divorce, my Mom fell into a depression and ate very little. She also had several scary bouts of pneumonia and pleurisy. My little brother had asthma, speech, and fine motor issues. Much of the focus was on his health. I was the "easy one". When my mother remarried a man with a son my brother's age, everyone but me went to therapy to help with the transition. I remember therapy being kind of hush-hush and new-agey in the early 80s. Because I was a "good" kid, I was fine in my parents' minds. Somewhere in grade school, I started to get stomach aches. They continued into my teens. I went through many tests, and was told it was, "just stress". I find that term to be ironic because now we know stress can cause physical issues.
Unfortunately, I have gotten really skilled at ignoring my emotions and feelings. However, my body tells me things are not okay. Recently, I moved my son into his first apartment after college. He had been home for 4 months and I loved it. During the move, I felt "surges" (for lack of a better word). These surges terrify me as they bring me back to being a child searching for control when I had none. I am working on connecting the physical to the emotional. Listening and reading your pod cast and essays is so very helpful as I am reminded I am not the only one.
Oh Kristin, I relate so much. Being the “easy one” comes with an intense amount of pressure. And being easy and helpful becomes part of the way you feel pride in yourself and like you have value, and of course the flip side is you can’t ever show that you need help - needing help becomes a failure in your mind. It’s such a mess. And overriding signs from your body is all part of it.
I laugh/cry when I think about how I danced on my toes for years and years. It was such a lesson in overriding signs my body was sending me and it became a way of life. Probably why it took 15 years on my yoga mat before I really got the memo. But better late than never, right? At least the last 20 I realized I had to include myself in my circle of compassion. But I still have to remind myself many days. Many!
I’m so happy I know you. I can really imagine what it must be like to go into the NEXT phase where your kids are out in the world, not “just” at college when you know they’ll be home for the holidays. But I guess we just keep adjusting, right? And so far it seems like our kids like hanging out with us, so to me that is EVERYTHING. We did it, lol. Anyway, I’m sending you tons of love and hugs and Gen X commiseration. Thank god we all seem to find each other. It’s like a huge club of kids with no leader, no rule book, and no fucking mascot. But we still seem to know the secret handshake. Goonies forever, Chandler Bing FTW. Love you ❤️
Thank you Ally for another beautiful essay. Hope you are all well now.
Much love to you and your family as always 🙏
Thank you, Peter. Feeling a lot better, thankfully! Much love to you and Anneke <3
More hugs your way. Can one ever give/get too many hugs?
I don’t think so, Steve! Hugs gratefully accepted, and back at you! 🤍
In Germany, where I’m from, we have a lot of sayings that relate to the body-mind connection in stark, literal terms. There is, of course, the equivalent of ‘scared shitless’, but also “Ich hab die Nase voll” = my nose is stuffed = I’ve had it up to here with your crap, etc. etc. Ancient word wisdom points to the body as the representation of the soul. Just saying. Be well.
You don’t have to convince me! And I like those sayings you shared. I also love how we have so many sensation-based descriptors in writing, like the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, or I had butterflies in my stomach, or my blood was boiling. But yeah, I have no doubt whatsoever about the mind-body connection, or stress-related physical symptoms. I do get worried when people go to the extreme end of the spectrum. There are certainly genetic and environmental factors too, but yeah. Good stuff. And everything in my life improved when I started meditating and practicing yoga and eating in a way that nourished me, which was a totally foreign concept when I was twenty. Hugs to you as always xx