Girl, I feel like you and I would sit down and have a bottle or two of wine and trade war stories and some of them would be terrifyingly similar. Everything went to shit when my grandmother died too, so I felt this in my bones. This was beautiful.
Kari, I have no doubt you’re right. There seem to be very similar themes running through our lives! I hope you have a very Happy Thanksgiving, I’m grateful we found each other here ❤️
What an absolutely beautiful story/essay! The way you describe your grandmother’s joy and excitement at seeing you and being with you is simply the best and I wish everyone could have that experience with even just one person in their life. What a legacy. 💞 And you’ve passed it along to your own lucky children. A friend I love gave my daughter a copy of The Giving Tree when she was a toddler and I had never read it before. When I did I felt so sad and hollow. I don’t know but I feel like Shel Silverstein wouldn’t have written it as a model for living but maybe a cautionary tale. It’s wonderful to be generous but without boundaries there are those who will exploit forever. Maybe it’s a reflection on that and how we’ve treated the earth around us. In that light I understand it. But I would never want to be like the boy or the tree. I’m grateful you are writing. ✍️ ❤️
Thank you so much, Jennifer. I felt that in my heart. And yes, that story really did me in as a child. I love the context you are imagining here and I could see that, too. I wish it had been made clear, somehow. That certainly does capture the way we’ve been treating the planet. Maybe it would be a better book for high school or college kids, letting them come up with context. So many great conversations to have about relationships and taking more than we need generally. You got my wheels spinning ☺️ Thanks so much for your comments, and for being here. Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate. Grateful you’re here.
I second everything in Jennifer's comment and I also have some depressing intel re. art versus the artist. When he was in his sixties, in the early 90ties, Shel Silverstein harrassed a friend of mine, then a (very) young dancer in NYC. She made out with him a few times because he was brilliant and famous, but thinking back on that....eeww and yuck. He was that boy taking advantage of the tree. So disappointing.
I am sad to say I’m never shocked by these stories anymore, but also ewwww dude, really? And funny, I love The Lorax and read it to my kids a lot because I thought the message was good. I mean it definitely has its dark moments, it just didn’t depress me like The Giving Tree. As for art vs the artist and whether we can appreciate great art made by not-so-great people, I’ve mostly fallen on the side of appreciating the art. Otherwise we won’t be able to read, listen to, or view much of anything.
And I don’t want to burst the Theodore Geisel bubble, but some of his earlier work was “problematic” and his foundation no longer publishes 6 of his books due to racist tropes and imagery. Some of his later work suggests he regretted some of his earlier work, or grew to understand things differently, but yeah.
The LORAX by Doctor Seuss was also a depressing read (if true, true), but hopefully Theodor Geisel was a better man on principle. I shut up now. Grateful for you, Ally. Write on.
Anyone who makes a child feel safe and cherished and loved is the best kind of human. Your Nanny sounds wonderful and I'd like to imagine her still wrapping you in a blanket of love 🧡 My grandma was the same, she always made me feel so loved and cherished and I carry that with me every day.
Also, the tree should have at some point whacked the boy upside the head with one of her branches.
I love how many of us have had grandmas like this. They are the unsung heroes I think. And I hope if any of them reading this ever doubted the impact they have, they won’t anymore! Sending you lots and lots of love, Sonbol. Super grateful to be connected ❤️
Lovely, Ally. I hear you about Nanny. I had one, too. (I wrote a piece about her a couple of weeks ago). Thank goddess for our grandmothers. Here's a question: what happened to our mothers in all of this? How did they end up as fragile, and narcissistic, and hurt as they did, with mothers that we as grandchildren adored? What's the disconnect, do you think? And YES about The Giving Tree, I never liked it either. It was depressing as fuck. Nothing sadder than a martyr. Love to you, my dear.
It’s so interesting, isn’t it? I’ve wondered that a lot. My Nanny and also my uncle (mom’s brother) and aunt and cousins are all such loving, warm, affectionate people, but my mom was kind of an ice queen. Not in her heart, but in her demeanor. I think life and men disappointed and hardened her, and I think she directed a lot of rage toward me in a twisted effort to prepare me. And of course she also developed some unfortunate coping mechanisms to handle her rage which led to addiction and yeah. I’m extra grateful I had my Nanny and crew, because I don’t know where I would have gotten that kind of love otherwise. And I’m sending you some right now ❤️ Hope you had a good Thanksgiving, Nan. Planning on catching up on a lot of reading this weekend xx
I have so much to catch up on, too! I’ve almost completely stopped reading books, there’s so much to read on Substack. Yes, thank goodness for the people in our families who got us through. I’m very lucky I had a few of those! xoxo
I know this year has been brutal. I really hope you felt warm and beloved and seen yesterday, and that it put up some scaffolding around your heart. Sending love 🤍
I appreciate you so much, Kate, and I did. I hope you did, too. It’s so good to have both kids home. We ate good food, played cards, laughed our asses off and watched Planes, Trains and Automobiles. My idea of perfection ✨
I've explored the idea between the creatives and their humanity, which makes them/us products of our time and our own level of consciousness. Everyone has a shadow self...growth comes with acknowledgement and integration.
Your story here about your nanny transcends grandmother love, at least the way I take this in. Wouldn't it be crazy amazing if we greeted every person with delight and kindness? If we could see the light within each person and delight in it?
Also, the two stories you mention gave us all a bit of trouble. I would say if you need to create boundaries, The Giving Tree will read to you that way. I might also suggest that it shows unconditional love: it doesn't matter what it does for the boy: the tree did it for herself. So much in life doesn't really revolve around reciprocity, at least not in the quid pro quo way in the wolf/crane story. In that tale we get to explore the nuance (as you touched on) between doing altruistically and not transactionally.
I loved where your story and the readers' comments have taken me, thank you all!
Love your comments, Nina. The comment section is one of my favorite places anywhere. And yes, boundaries were something I had to work on quite a lot, and my dad was a narcissist by anyone’s standards. It’s possible I had a reaction on some deep level of knowing he’d drain the lifeblood out of me if I let him. But I have always thought part of unconditional love is teaching my kids how to be empathetic and respectful to other people, including me! So even in that context I think the tree enabled some pretty crap behavior lol. Anyway, I’m really glad you’re here. I love this kind of conversation. Welcome to the party ❤️
I felt the same way about the giving tree story when I read it to my granddaughter ( I didn't grow up with it), soooo depressing. So when I recently found this it made me really happy.
Thank you for reminding me how lucky I am to have had a grandma like your Nanny, and a whole big extended family that truly loved each other. Terrible things happened on a regular basis, but the love was always there. I'm sorry you didn't get more years with your grandmother.
Oh Rita, I’m so happy to hear that. People in your life who cherish you and have your back are really everything. I wish I’d had more years with her, too, but I genuinely feel like she has always been with me. And terrible things do happen and I really don’t know how we’d get through them without our people. Hugs and love, I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. I’m grateful you’re here 🤍
Someone else wrote about their wonderful relationship with their grandmother this week and loads of people commented on how they had had wonderful relationships too. I come to these discussions from the other side, ie the grandmother. It IS definitely one of the best relationships in the world and I just want to stress that you must have meant the world to your grandmother as well as the other way around.
I don’t know whether you read my posts (probably not) but my post next week (Wednesday) is on the meaning of love.
Well, I’ll be reading your posts now, Ann! And thank you for saying that. She left no doubt in my mind or my heart about how she felt, and it was/has been/is indelible. She died the week before my fourth birthday but I don’t think she ever left me ❤️ Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family xx
May I add that I am also a fan of yoga, which I took up 32 years ago at age 50 and still do weekly. You can see me do a headstand on my site, if you are so inclined, I think my writing is much more creative than my headstand, but people love to see it.
Gosh you had so few years. That makes them even more precious,
I never had interested grandparents and neither did my children, so I never knew the true possibilities of the relationship until I had grandchildren myself. Then I became fascinated by it, even wrote a book about it (from grandmothers' POV) and still write about it when the mood takes me. My two grandsons are 15 and 18 (cousins, not brothers) and it has been a real privilege to have known them all of their lives. We are particularly close to the younger one, who stays with us every weekend and is also very affectionate - he adds so much to our lives.
And by the way, I am American by birth but have lived in London since 1968, so no Thanksgiving here. I never missed the holiday! But you enjoy it by all means...
That is wonderful. I so wish I’d had more time with her. And yes, I’m definitely more about gratitude every day. Thanksgiving is just an excuse to cook a big meal, make some pies and love on my kids. But I don’t really need an excuse 😉 So happy we’ve connected, and looking forward to reading your essays! Hugs from Santa Monica xx
Wonderful essay! Oh, how precious to have such memories of your Nanny. Both of my Grandma's were spectacular! My memories are overflowing after reading this! Thank you for inspiring the reflection, and now that I am Grandma, to love on our grands as completely as possible. Thank you, Ally. Blessings, ~Wendy💜✨🤗💖
I really love how many people related to this, and were lucky enough to have amazing grandmas, and also to be amazing grandmas. Your grandkids are lucky to have you ♥️ And thank you for being here, Wendy xx
This genuinely brought me to tears. I was lucky enough to grow up within walking distance of both of my grandmothers, and you’ve reminded me what a privilege that was. Thank you 🙏🏼
That is so wonderful, Carolyn. It has really touched my heart to hear from so many people who had grandmas like this, or who ARE grandmas like this. I didn’t expect that and it is so heart warming. Sending you a lot of love, I am so glad you’re here 🤍
Beautiful as always. I love that Nanny was such a safe respite for you. Everyone needs that person, especially children. The way you wrote about this memory felt like the glow of a candle, cozy and inviting and warm. If you are even a shred of Nanny to your children, and I am positive that you are, they are truly the luckiest kids.
Thank you so much, Kate, this is so kind of you. The one thing that has always been easy in my life is feeling astounded when I look at my kids, lol. I just love them so much and can’t believe I get to have this experience. And it’s been 18 and 15 years respectively and it hasn’t worn off so I just feel like the luckiest 🥹🥹 I hope you had the best Thanksgiving and I’m sending you a lot of love ❤️
Hi Ally. Thank you for this brilliant piece! I think loving people and being loved back is ultimately the best thing in life. I keep finding that it's not something we can take for granted and funnily, love, even if not the deepest, can be found in unexpected places.
If there’s anything better, I certainly have not found it yet! And it is such a funny and amazing thing that if you stay open, there are so many opportunities to genuinely connect with people. That in itself is life-giving. Lots of love to you and Anneke 🩵🩵
I am Nanny to Poppy and Gus. My only aim is to make them always feel as you did with your Nanny, ♥️♥️
I feel that in my heart. My Nanny was the blessing of my life as I am sure you are to Poppy and Gus ❤️ Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family xx
Girl, I feel like you and I would sit down and have a bottle or two of wine and trade war stories and some of them would be terrifyingly similar. Everything went to shit when my grandmother died too, so I felt this in my bones. This was beautiful.
Kari, I have no doubt you’re right. There seem to be very similar themes running through our lives! I hope you have a very Happy Thanksgiving, I’m grateful we found each other here ❤️
What an absolutely beautiful story/essay! The way you describe your grandmother’s joy and excitement at seeing you and being with you is simply the best and I wish everyone could have that experience with even just one person in their life. What a legacy. 💞 And you’ve passed it along to your own lucky children. A friend I love gave my daughter a copy of The Giving Tree when she was a toddler and I had never read it before. When I did I felt so sad and hollow. I don’t know but I feel like Shel Silverstein wouldn’t have written it as a model for living but maybe a cautionary tale. It’s wonderful to be generous but without boundaries there are those who will exploit forever. Maybe it’s a reflection on that and how we’ve treated the earth around us. In that light I understand it. But I would never want to be like the boy or the tree. I’m grateful you are writing. ✍️ ❤️
Thank you so much, Jennifer. I felt that in my heart. And yes, that story really did me in as a child. I love the context you are imagining here and I could see that, too. I wish it had been made clear, somehow. That certainly does capture the way we’ve been treating the planet. Maybe it would be a better book for high school or college kids, letting them come up with context. So many great conversations to have about relationships and taking more than we need generally. You got my wheels spinning ☺️ Thanks so much for your comments, and for being here. Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate. Grateful you’re here.
I second everything in Jennifer's comment and I also have some depressing intel re. art versus the artist. When he was in his sixties, in the early 90ties, Shel Silverstein harrassed a friend of mine, then a (very) young dancer in NYC. She made out with him a few times because he was brilliant and famous, but thinking back on that....eeww and yuck. He was that boy taking advantage of the tree. So disappointing.
I am sad to say I’m never shocked by these stories anymore, but also ewwww dude, really? And funny, I love The Lorax and read it to my kids a lot because I thought the message was good. I mean it definitely has its dark moments, it just didn’t depress me like The Giving Tree. As for art vs the artist and whether we can appreciate great art made by not-so-great people, I’ve mostly fallen on the side of appreciating the art. Otherwise we won’t be able to read, listen to, or view much of anything.
And I don’t want to burst the Theodore Geisel bubble, but some of his earlier work was “problematic” and his foundation no longer publishes 6 of his books due to racist tropes and imagery. Some of his later work suggests he regretted some of his earlier work, or grew to understand things differently, but yeah.
oh, yup, i remember now... no more bubbles to burst (except probably there are).
The LORAX by Doctor Seuss was also a depressing read (if true, true), but hopefully Theodor Geisel was a better man on principle. I shut up now. Grateful for you, Ally. Write on.
"I shut up now." This is me. So much. Owning my crone status too.
Anyone who makes a child feel safe and cherished and loved is the best kind of human. Your Nanny sounds wonderful and I'd like to imagine her still wrapping you in a blanket of love 🧡 My grandma was the same, she always made me feel so loved and cherished and I carry that with me every day.
Also, the tree should have at some point whacked the boy upside the head with one of her branches.
I love how many of us have had grandmas like this. They are the unsung heroes I think. And I hope if any of them reading this ever doubted the impact they have, they won’t anymore! Sending you lots and lots of love, Sonbol. Super grateful to be connected ❤️
Lovely, Ally. I hear you about Nanny. I had one, too. (I wrote a piece about her a couple of weeks ago). Thank goddess for our grandmothers. Here's a question: what happened to our mothers in all of this? How did they end up as fragile, and narcissistic, and hurt as they did, with mothers that we as grandchildren adored? What's the disconnect, do you think? And YES about The Giving Tree, I never liked it either. It was depressing as fuck. Nothing sadder than a martyr. Love to you, my dear.
It’s so interesting, isn’t it? I’ve wondered that a lot. My Nanny and also my uncle (mom’s brother) and aunt and cousins are all such loving, warm, affectionate people, but my mom was kind of an ice queen. Not in her heart, but in her demeanor. I think life and men disappointed and hardened her, and I think she directed a lot of rage toward me in a twisted effort to prepare me. And of course she also developed some unfortunate coping mechanisms to handle her rage which led to addiction and yeah. I’m extra grateful I had my Nanny and crew, because I don’t know where I would have gotten that kind of love otherwise. And I’m sending you some right now ❤️ Hope you had a good Thanksgiving, Nan. Planning on catching up on a lot of reading this weekend xx
I have so much to catch up on, too! I’ve almost completely stopped reading books, there’s so much to read on Substack. Yes, thank goodness for the people in our families who got us through. I’m very lucky I had a few of those! xoxo
Thanks for this Ally. It’s beautiful.
I know this year has been brutal. I really hope you felt warm and beloved and seen yesterday, and that it put up some scaffolding around your heart. Sending love 🤍
I appreciate you so much, Kate, and I did. I hope you did, too. It’s so good to have both kids home. We ate good food, played cards, laughed our asses off and watched Planes, Trains and Automobiles. My idea of perfection ✨
Love. This. 100%.
So much beauty and love here.
I've explored the idea between the creatives and their humanity, which makes them/us products of our time and our own level of consciousness. Everyone has a shadow self...growth comes with acknowledgement and integration.
Your story here about your nanny transcends grandmother love, at least the way I take this in. Wouldn't it be crazy amazing if we greeted every person with delight and kindness? If we could see the light within each person and delight in it?
Also, the two stories you mention gave us all a bit of trouble. I would say if you need to create boundaries, The Giving Tree will read to you that way. I might also suggest that it shows unconditional love: it doesn't matter what it does for the boy: the tree did it for herself. So much in life doesn't really revolve around reciprocity, at least not in the quid pro quo way in the wolf/crane story. In that tale we get to explore the nuance (as you touched on) between doing altruistically and not transactionally.
I loved where your story and the readers' comments have taken me, thank you all!
Love your comments, Nina. The comment section is one of my favorite places anywhere. And yes, boundaries were something I had to work on quite a lot, and my dad was a narcissist by anyone’s standards. It’s possible I had a reaction on some deep level of knowing he’d drain the lifeblood out of me if I let him. But I have always thought part of unconditional love is teaching my kids how to be empathetic and respectful to other people, including me! So even in that context I think the tree enabled some pretty crap behavior lol. Anyway, I’m really glad you’re here. I love this kind of conversation. Welcome to the party ❤️
I felt the same way about the giving tree story when I read it to my granddaughter ( I didn't grow up with it), soooo depressing. So when I recently found this it made me really happy.
https://lithub.com/somebody-finally-fixed-the-ending-of-the-giving-tree/
I love your writing, all the best♥️
This is excellent. Thanks so much for sharing, Debo. And thank you for your kind words and for being here ❤️
Thank you for reminding me how lucky I am to have had a grandma like your Nanny, and a whole big extended family that truly loved each other. Terrible things happened on a regular basis, but the love was always there. I'm sorry you didn't get more years with your grandmother.
Oh Rita, I’m so happy to hear that. People in your life who cherish you and have your back are really everything. I wish I’d had more years with her, too, but I genuinely feel like she has always been with me. And terrible things do happen and I really don’t know how we’d get through them without our people. Hugs and love, I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. I’m grateful you’re here 🤍
Someone else wrote about their wonderful relationship with their grandmother this week and loads of people commented on how they had had wonderful relationships too. I come to these discussions from the other side, ie the grandmother. It IS definitely one of the best relationships in the world and I just want to stress that you must have meant the world to your grandmother as well as the other way around.
I don’t know whether you read my posts (probably not) but my post next week (Wednesday) is on the meaning of love.
Well, I’ll be reading your posts now, Ann! And thank you for saying that. She left no doubt in my mind or my heart about how she felt, and it was/has been/is indelible. She died the week before my fourth birthday but I don’t think she ever left me ❤️ Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family xx
May I add that I am also a fan of yoga, which I took up 32 years ago at age 50 and still do weekly. You can see me do a headstand on my site, if you are so inclined, I think my writing is much more creative than my headstand, but people love to see it.
Gosh you had so few years. That makes them even more precious,
I never had interested grandparents and neither did my children, so I never knew the true possibilities of the relationship until I had grandchildren myself. Then I became fascinated by it, even wrote a book about it (from grandmothers' POV) and still write about it when the mood takes me. My two grandsons are 15 and 18 (cousins, not brothers) and it has been a real privilege to have known them all of their lives. We are particularly close to the younger one, who stays with us every weekend and is also very affectionate - he adds so much to our lives.
And by the way, I am American by birth but have lived in London since 1968, so no Thanksgiving here. I never missed the holiday! But you enjoy it by all means...
That is wonderful. I so wish I’d had more time with her. And yes, I’m definitely more about gratitude every day. Thanksgiving is just an excuse to cook a big meal, make some pies and love on my kids. But I don’t really need an excuse 😉 So happy we’ve connected, and looking forward to reading your essays! Hugs from Santa Monica xx
Jesus, this is amazing.
Bill, thank you so much. I struggled with this one, so I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your comment. Happy Thanksgiving ❤️
Wonderful essay! Oh, how precious to have such memories of your Nanny. Both of my Grandma's were spectacular! My memories are overflowing after reading this! Thank you for inspiring the reflection, and now that I am Grandma, to love on our grands as completely as possible. Thank you, Ally. Blessings, ~Wendy💜✨🤗💖
I really love how many people related to this, and were lucky enough to have amazing grandmas, and also to be amazing grandmas. Your grandkids are lucky to have you ♥️ And thank you for being here, Wendy xx
Love, affection and great stories goes a long way. Thank you for sharing and for being a great narrator 🥹
Thank you so much, Rif. And thank you for being here 🥹🙏🏼
This genuinely brought me to tears. I was lucky enough to grow up within walking distance of both of my grandmothers, and you’ve reminded me what a privilege that was. Thank you 🙏🏼
That is so wonderful, Carolyn. It has really touched my heart to hear from so many people who had grandmas like this, or who ARE grandmas like this. I didn’t expect that and it is so heart warming. Sending you a lot of love, I am so glad you’re here 🤍
Beautiful as always. I love that Nanny was such a safe respite for you. Everyone needs that person, especially children. The way you wrote about this memory felt like the glow of a candle, cozy and inviting and warm. If you are even a shred of Nanny to your children, and I am positive that you are, they are truly the luckiest kids.
Happy Thanksgiving to you!
Thank you so much, Kate, this is so kind of you. The one thing that has always been easy in my life is feeling astounded when I look at my kids, lol. I just love them so much and can’t believe I get to have this experience. And it’s been 18 and 15 years respectively and it hasn’t worn off so I just feel like the luckiest 🥹🥹 I hope you had the best Thanksgiving and I’m sending you a lot of love ❤️
Hi Ally. Thank you for this brilliant piece! I think loving people and being loved back is ultimately the best thing in life. I keep finding that it's not something we can take for granted and funnily, love, even if not the deepest, can be found in unexpected places.
Hope you and family are all well.
Much love as always.
Namaste 🙏
If there’s anything better, I certainly have not found it yet! And it is such a funny and amazing thing that if you stay open, there are so many opportunities to genuinely connect with people. That in itself is life-giving. Lots of love to you and Anneke 🩵🩵