Yesterday my 17 y/o came home from school and told me about a debate they'd had in his Global politics course about taxing the rich. And we talked and I passionately spoke--or as my kids say, yelled--and he did and we nodded and fist pumped, metaphorically, and I smiled to know that I'd helped to raise a fundamentally sound person. Earlier that day my older son called me--for advice!!!--and I smiled to know that I helped to raise another fundamentally sound person. That's what I sort of hang onto these days, especially on days where the crazies are crawling out from under the rocks with the speed of Clickers in The Last of Us and endangering us all.
Haha, yes,our kids could probably have a good laugh together. Mine say “mom’s getting passionate again.” 🤣 But I’m with you, I take comfort knowing I’ve raised two human beings who don’t need help figuring out what’s okay and what’s not okay. They’re compassionate and engaged and that goes a long way on a tough day. It sure would be nice to have fewer tough days for all of our sakes, but I’m grateful for them every second.
Ally, every time I read your writing I find myself thinking "I wish some MAGA person would engage with this." And I'm sorry for thinking that, because I know that would actually be horrible in practice, but I just feel like if people could see things the way you lay them out, how could they possibly argue? It's wishful thinking but there's also a rage behind it, like people who shove their dogs face into their poop when they go in the house (that metaphor is not a commentary on your writing hahaha). I want to be like "Look at this!!! Look at it!! Now explain yourself!!!" Anyway, that same rage place had me almost get into a fight with another grown man at a social adult soccer game and then crying about it this morning because I am so frustrated by entitled men who are bad sports who never seem to give any passing thought to the feelings or the humanity of the people around them. And I'm tired of being treated badly (in the world, as a trans person - this wasn't so much about the soccer, you see) and expected to still play fair and be positive and have a good attitude. Anyway, it wasn't my proudest moment because I definitely had an "if you can't beat em, join em" mentality but you have written your rage so beautifully that I thought I could probably share this story with you.
Thanks for writing it down and sharing it with us. It makes me feel seen. I hope your son has a great return to college in the coolest, safest car of all time. (As someone who inherited my great-grandmother's Honda Civic at 16 for a few hundred dollars and the promise to drive her around, I highly endorse that model. 😁)
I’m not perfect by a long shot, but in my entire life I have never gone after someone else to make myself feel better. As a kid when I would see other kids bullying someone, I could not imagine being that awful. The “mean girl” gang up was horrible to me, even if it just manifested as whispers and pointed fingers. I think I understood the kids doing the bullying or excluding etc were in their own hell. Still, I just could not wrap my head around the idea of “I’m suffering internally so I want to make people around me suffer. I feel weak and insecure so I’m going to lash out at someone with - seemingly - less power than I have.” It’s such a strange and sad way to be. As a kid you can maybe understand they are acting out and their frontal lobe is not fully online etc. But as an adult? Truly, wtf.
Obviously I don’t know the whole story but I am so sorry and so angry on your behalf, Cody. And I do not think you need to be worrying about how it wasn’t your proudest moment. No one can “take the high road” every minute of the day. We’re all human and you are fighting just to fucking exist these days and that isn’t right or okay. I wish I’d been there if you want to know the truth. Because I’ve never bullied anyone, but I’ll jump in the line of fire for my friends every day of the week. I’m really sorry life is like this right now. You deserve a lot better. We all do. Hugs and love. You can always share anything here.
Thank you ❤️ I agree, it doesn't make sense to me either. I think that's probably why our perspectives are important. I wish you had been there too! I think you would have been much more fun to play soccer with :)
Hello Ally, thank you for such a wonderful essay. I enjoy reading about your kids and your parenting. I love the way you protect them and are there for them. Good luck with the car!
Wishing you and your family all the best as always ❤️
Thank you, Peter! We got a car so there’s that :) Heading to college this weekend to get him moved into his apartment. Sophomore year, can’t believe it. Hugs to you and Anneke!!
Well this comment just sparked joy for me so thank you for that 🥹🙏🏼 We found a freaking car, too. As of yesterday at about 6pm he is the proud owner of a 2010 Toyota Corolla. Less than 100k miles, no accidents, sailed through the pre-purchase inspection and it was south of us so not so fucking hot lol. Still went through our adventures yesterday, but I think we did good.
Your son is right. You are funny, but somehow also able to be deadly serious in the next breath. Thank you for both. And thank you for raising sensible kids. And thank you for having a functioning moral compass. This line is what makes me rage the most: "These people are never accountable." Money begets power. Power begets money. These horrors just keep repeating themselves. But there is some consolation in knowing we're all noticing and doing what we can.
Gallows humor is saving my life these days, Elizabeth. That, and people like you, and time with my kids, and Joni Mitchell. Such a great and devastating song you quoted. And my dog. And a few other things.
It’s all enraging and astounding and I genuinely cannot believe where we are. The same day citizens are being hauled off in unmarked vans by men in masks in Chicago - for *protesting* - our despicable potus is at the U.S. Open where New Yorkers did, in fact, boo him loudly.
A five-time draft-dodger saluting while they play the national anthem. A man who makes all our children less safe and renames the Department of Defense the Department of War.
It’s not that I’m feeling especially patriotic these days, it’s the disgusting hypocrisy. It’s that people like him try to insult the people who took a knee because they wanted our country to be better. And now he comes in and shits all over the Constitution and makes himself richer by the day, and salutes like a veteran, when he would never put his life on the line for anyone. Let alone this country.
I just went off. Sorry. What I meant to say was, welcome to the community, I’m so happy you’re here!!!
The "or" in the choose your adventure scenario is harrowing. I know that change is certain, but there will be a lot of suffering before this lets up. Goddamnit, I want to shake people. This is what you want? THIS??? Fuck. Thank you for laying it out so eloquently. Like you always do. Love and admiration... x
I agree. I find it unfathomable that anyone could want things to be this way. I will never understand it. But I’m so grateful for you and every one of us feeling that same way. I swear there are more of us. Sending you hugs and love.
Feeling all of this Ally. Not the car buying part though. We were on a road trip home yesterday for about 6 hours and I was in the mood to vent about our effed up world and my husband was in the mood to chastise me for constantly being negative. I stopped for his sake but the fact that our South Carolina legislature is pushing a total abortion ban with no exceptions and I also watched the abuse survivors speak with the loud planes trying to drown out their voices just made me sad for where we are and for the future of women.
It is so hard. We really aren’t built for this kind of sustained, intense stress and unrelenting chaos. I don’t expect anyone to be able to think about it all or dwell on it or to constantly be taking action every minute of the day, that isn’t manageable or helpful, either. I’m always trying to find the balance because I grew up scanning the environment for danger and I “read the room” by default and tend to worry and run different scenarios and try to head off disaster before it strikes. Obviously all my careful planning did not work out this time, Mary!!! I jest, but I do have to make myself take breaks.
I try to be sensitive to other people’s limits and totally understand if I’m with someone who wants to talk about anything other than all the horrible shit happening here. We all need to focus on joy too and remember to laugh and be with our people and replenish the tank so we can survive this. I can’t deal with people who *never* want to talk about it or engage or take action, I can’t have people like that in my inner circle right now, but I can absolutely respect it when people need a breather because I have those days, too.
Personally I don’t love the lens of “you’re being negative” lol because jeezus. You’re just awake and despairing like any sane person. That isn’t negativity. The jets flying over the Capitol was absolutely disgusting and exactly what I expect from the POS in office and all his cohorts. And the abortion bans and all the ways this administration is working to erode women’s rights and all the rights of anyone who isn’t a straight, white, upwardly mobile man should make everyone sick. I’m sorry you had nowhere to put all those feelings during a 6-hour drive. You can always message me. Sending you a ton of love and hugs.
Thanks so much! I have a good circle of neighbors who feel like we do. My husband vents too we just don’t always feel it at the same moment or intensity. 💗
Totally get it. I check in with all my close people before I launch in these days. I’ve taken to asking whether it’s a good moment to talk about it and I also say when I could use a break. We’re all doing the best we can during insane and unthinkable times 🫤❤️🩹
I live in the now no rainbow colored crosswalks and painting over murals state of FL. I think when the following begins to happen, FL might reconsider the fascism and stubborn stupidity:
tourists begin avoiding us even more (Canadian tourism is already way down here so far and justifiably so), increased deaths of infants or fetuses, pregnant women due to mumps, rubella, whooping cough, disability due to diphtheria and polio (can still kill you btw) happening to wealthy people who ignored their pediatrician’s advice- notice I said WEALTHY parents, because they can file lawsuits with prominent attorneys to multiple parties, or a class action lawsuit from multiple infant deaths, etc. In FL, laws often come about after political donors get pissed off or inconvenienced. The “peasantry,”the service industry workers, minorities and even middle class carry the brunt of backwards FL laws- the ending of abortion rights, book banning on steroids, defunding of state programs to help the most vulnerable, restricting rights to protest, difficult to get and super expensive homeowners insurance, teaching slavery “helped” black people in their textbooks, giving developers more sway to pollute, sprawl and crap in FL’s ecosystems, letting super rich and creepy predators set up business here, etc ad nauseum.
The only time Gov Disastrous pays attention is when rich people/donors complain or to ingratiate himself to the Pedo Dictator in the now tacky White House.
Multiple deaths/disability and raging pandemics of preventable diseases will affect the school
system- but more importantly to senior living/rehab etc investors could cause more deaths among medically fragile (some vaccines lose potency over long periods of time - polio, measles, etc from 1960’s). It’s not only bad science, it is a disastrous idea overall based on the population of FL being a high percentage of elderly, medically fragile. The lack of foresight, the view of vaccines from an extremely questionable quack of a government official, the lack of understanding that we are still a huge international hub - Miami and Orlando get tourists and business people from all over the globe is staggering in its stupidity.
I’m not in a position to move out of state. Yet.
But unfortunately it may have to be the domino effect to make Floridians pull back on Gov Disastrous and his ilk at the voting booth. The law of FAFO. But how many people will suffer/die due to this madness?
I am in the uncomfortable position of wanting to give you a standing ovation because I agree with every single thing you said here, and also feeling utter despair because I also agree the death toll is going to be severe and heartbreaking. I cannot believe this is where we are, genuinely. I hope that you are right, that people see in time the absolute insanity and destruction of continuing along this path, and that they (and we) move quickly enough to turn this ship the fuck around. And that hopefully it happens before too many people die for no reason except this wild unchecked smug stupidity. Unbelievable.
I was a smoker for a very long time, and now I use a vape (yeah yeah I know, but my doctors ALL said it is an improvement, so I'll take it). It's a hell of an addiction, and god dammit, RFK Jr. is the one person right now making me tempted enough to buy a pack and light them ALL AT ONCE.
As for your son, I remember having a similar conversation with my mother about not wanting kids. I was a little older. I said I didn't want children of my own, if I had them, because there were too many people in the world without parents. She told me I was selfish, which...now completely tracks but at the time confused me.
I hope to hell if he really wants it in the future, there will be a reason to hope. ❤️
It’s funny, I felt incredibly sad until he said the part about adopting, though I would have kept those feelings to myself. I don’t have any attachment to having my genetic material passed along, but I would love to love on a baby again. And I love hanging out with toddlers and little kids and bigger kids and yeah. I think being a grandma would be really awesome one day (NOT NOW). But my kids are under no obligation to fulfill that desire, ffs!!
I would be thrilled if he adopted or had his own if things change, or both. It just killed me that he’s thought about this to such a degree at his age. And so many young people are thinking this way - because of course they are. This is all insane.
RFK Jr makes me want to drink and smoke and run naked through the streets screaming, and I don’t do any of that normally. None of this is normal. Hugs to you my friend. So glad to know you ❤️
The "Lady in the streets..." made me think of Melanie Griffith's line "I've got a mind for business and a bod for sin" from "Working Girl", a film that embodies all the worst stereotypes of women, and confirms how many men still hold on to them. That film is almost 40 years old, but those ideas are still regurgitated today. Those men want to remain faultless for all of their destructive behavior, and right now it looks like they have the upper hand. But we will come around to accountability, and sanity, I hope sooner than we think.
Ha, yes it’s a line from “Nasty Girl” a song by Ludacris from 2008 if you want all the deets. A lot of weird stuff popped into my head while I was writing this 😳
I remember that line from “Working Girl” too. The messages about girls and women are so pervasive and exhausting. I was talking to someone my age (a woman) and she said she never felt held back by her gender, she was taught she could do anything, and we all were. It’s just when you get out in the world you find out you can “do anything” but you won’t be paid the same rate as a man for the same job even if you do it just as well. And you may get harassed by your boss or your colleague and reporting it may cost you your career. And whatever, I could be here all day. I’m preaching to the choir. We need to stop voting for people who don’t respect women and every other marginalized group if we want any of this to change. Feels like the most obvious thing, doesn’t it? Hugs and love to you.
Yeah, I was also told that I could do anything, but it turned out the thing I really wanted to do was poetry. Which I did, but still had to spend time at a paying jobs. Work was usually not miserable, but never fulfilling, and there were always men who would stare at our breasts when talking about projects, and those who insisted that my unmarried female colleagues should be able to work overtime on weekends because they "didn't have a husband or kids", who, in the 1990s were still talking about the sales bullpen. Cool stuff like that.
We do have to defeat those running for office who ignore those of us who are not white, or male, or wealthy.
In Boston, Mayor Wu is running for reelection. She has three challengers. In the democratic primary, there's Bob Kraft's son, who seems to have taken campaign advice from Trump.
There are also two Republicans. I received a campaign flyer from one today. His goals include: no sanctuary city, no new homeless shelters anywhere, no transgender (people) in Boston public school sports, full cooperation with ICE, and no free buses. They did spell buses "busses", but otherwise, it's a grim read.
I'm not concerned that he'll get to the general election, but he's so far removed how the majority think here that's it's clear he has big money coming in from some out of state fascist friends.
Sorry for the rant. Thank you, always, for your posts, and good luck with the used car hunt.
Never be sorry for this kind of rant, it’s exactly what we need to rant about. Sometimes I say things in passing to people, things I assume everyone knows, and then I realize no, everyone does not know these things. Recently I mentioned the gender pay gap to two different men in my life and neither of them had a clue what I was talking about. One of them said “that can’t be true” and I was like uhhhh. Wow. It’s very extremely true where have you been? But I guess there are a lot of people who don’t pay attention to things unless they affect them directly. So ranting is good. And always welcome here.
Your son talking about having children breaks my heart. But his considering adoption mended it.
The kids know. Our comfortable denial is dying. And I had the same misgivings when I was 34. But the signs were less obvious, more intellectual/"radical", and I was still trying hard to within our system and traditions. I tried really hard, even though somewhere deep inside was warning me, the part that knew what was coming.
After a hellish trial of multiple rounds of in vitro fertilization that ended in quadruplet embryos, three of which that miscarried--and all the other cold, invasive procedures before that, we got our son.
And then he was diagnosed with T1 diabetes the day after his 4th birthday.
And then the banks blew up and the economy tanked.
And everything went to shit, and progressively so in the years that followed.
And now? I love my son. Dearly. But what have I done?
It’s all so sad because we could have created anything, and we created this. I’m talking 10,000 feet up or whatever, but sometimes I really think about humanity and humans and “progress” and it is so insane to have a planet that provides everything everyone needs - all the water and fresh air and food and all of it, but I guess we’ve been violent selfish assholes from the beginning? Obsessed with “mine”? I just don’t get it. Anyway, I went “wide” on my response here, I know, but this is the kind of thing I think about sometimes. All the art, poetry and music notwithstanding. All the wonderful inventions and strides we have made.
I just wish people generally would get the download. You’re not taking a single thing with you, just fucking be chill. Enjoy. You don’t need all that much. Smh.
These are important questions. The wide view is the place to start, IMO.
The first book I recommend to people struggling to understand why we ended up here is Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. I read it in 1996 and it’s haunted me ever since. The second book I recommend (and much more recent) is The Dawn of Everything — A New History of Humanity by David Graeber and David Wengrow.
Humanity is not the problem. The culture that has conquered the world is.
I second the recommendation for Graeber and Wengrow’s book - it’s a thorough and sustained attempt to read against the grain of standard anthropological accounts which assume that patriarchal competition, violence, and property rights are inherent and ‘natural’ to humanity. My favourite section is probably the one that maps out the historical evidence for flourishing, long-lasting matriarchal societies, something that’s been pooh-poohed for too long because female scholars alone have typically studied them. 🙄 I’ve also enjoyed Rutger Bregman’s book Humankind: A Hopeful History (2020), which is less ambitious intellectually but more accessible and provides a similarly solid counter argument to the idea that humans are inherently prone to selfishness, hierarchy, competition, and violence. His account of the REAL story on which the Lord of the Flies was based is quite amazing and really rather moving.
Excellent! Two more books going on the TBR pile. I am going to read them all. Just need to finish my book first, or we need to make days with 36 hours or something. But thank you, this is great ❤️
Yesterday my 17 y/o came home from school and told me about a debate they'd had in his Global politics course about taxing the rich. And we talked and I passionately spoke--or as my kids say, yelled--and he did and we nodded and fist pumped, metaphorically, and I smiled to know that I'd helped to raise a fundamentally sound person. Earlier that day my older son called me--for advice!!!--and I smiled to know that I helped to raise another fundamentally sound person. That's what I sort of hang onto these days, especially on days where the crazies are crawling out from under the rocks with the speed of Clickers in The Last of Us and endangering us all.
There seem to be a lot of those days lately.
Haha, yes,our kids could probably have a good laugh together. Mine say “mom’s getting passionate again.” 🤣 But I’m with you, I take comfort knowing I’ve raised two human beings who don’t need help figuring out what’s okay and what’s not okay. They’re compassionate and engaged and that goes a long way on a tough day. It sure would be nice to have fewer tough days for all of our sakes, but I’m grateful for them every second.
Hugs to you and your awesome kids 🤍
Right back at you, Mama.
Ally, every time I read your writing I find myself thinking "I wish some MAGA person would engage with this." And I'm sorry for thinking that, because I know that would actually be horrible in practice, but I just feel like if people could see things the way you lay them out, how could they possibly argue? It's wishful thinking but there's also a rage behind it, like people who shove their dogs face into their poop when they go in the house (that metaphor is not a commentary on your writing hahaha). I want to be like "Look at this!!! Look at it!! Now explain yourself!!!" Anyway, that same rage place had me almost get into a fight with another grown man at a social adult soccer game and then crying about it this morning because I am so frustrated by entitled men who are bad sports who never seem to give any passing thought to the feelings or the humanity of the people around them. And I'm tired of being treated badly (in the world, as a trans person - this wasn't so much about the soccer, you see) and expected to still play fair and be positive and have a good attitude. Anyway, it wasn't my proudest moment because I definitely had an "if you can't beat em, join em" mentality but you have written your rage so beautifully that I thought I could probably share this story with you.
Thanks for writing it down and sharing it with us. It makes me feel seen. I hope your son has a great return to college in the coolest, safest car of all time. (As someone who inherited my great-grandmother's Honda Civic at 16 for a few hundred dollars and the promise to drive her around, I highly endorse that model. 😁)
I’m not perfect by a long shot, but in my entire life I have never gone after someone else to make myself feel better. As a kid when I would see other kids bullying someone, I could not imagine being that awful. The “mean girl” gang up was horrible to me, even if it just manifested as whispers and pointed fingers. I think I understood the kids doing the bullying or excluding etc were in their own hell. Still, I just could not wrap my head around the idea of “I’m suffering internally so I want to make people around me suffer. I feel weak and insecure so I’m going to lash out at someone with - seemingly - less power than I have.” It’s such a strange and sad way to be. As a kid you can maybe understand they are acting out and their frontal lobe is not fully online etc. But as an adult? Truly, wtf.
Obviously I don’t know the whole story but I am so sorry and so angry on your behalf, Cody. And I do not think you need to be worrying about how it wasn’t your proudest moment. No one can “take the high road” every minute of the day. We’re all human and you are fighting just to fucking exist these days and that isn’t right or okay. I wish I’d been there if you want to know the truth. Because I’ve never bullied anyone, but I’ll jump in the line of fire for my friends every day of the week. I’m really sorry life is like this right now. You deserve a lot better. We all do. Hugs and love. You can always share anything here.
Thank you ❤️ I agree, it doesn't make sense to me either. I think that's probably why our perspectives are important. I wish you had been there too! I think you would have been much more fun to play soccer with :)
I can pretty much guarantee at least that!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🩹
Hello Ally, thank you for such a wonderful essay. I enjoy reading about your kids and your parenting. I love the way you protect them and are there for them. Good luck with the car!
Wishing you and your family all the best as always ❤️
Thank you, Peter! We got a car so there’s that :) Heading to college this weekend to get him moved into his apartment. Sophomore year, can’t believe it. Hugs to you and Anneke!!
You are such a good mom, Ally. That sparks joy for me.
Well this comment just sparked joy for me so thank you for that 🥹🙏🏼 We found a freaking car, too. As of yesterday at about 6pm he is the proud owner of a 2010 Toyota Corolla. Less than 100k miles, no accidents, sailed through the pre-purchase inspection and it was south of us so not so fucking hot lol. Still went through our adventures yesterday, but I think we did good.
Your son is right. You are funny, but somehow also able to be deadly serious in the next breath. Thank you for both. And thank you for raising sensible kids. And thank you for having a functioning moral compass. This line is what makes me rage the most: "These people are never accountable." Money begets power. Power begets money. These horrors just keep repeating themselves. But there is some consolation in knowing we're all noticing and doing what we can.
"We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game..."
Gallows humor is saving my life these days, Elizabeth. That, and people like you, and time with my kids, and Joni Mitchell. Such a great and devastating song you quoted. And my dog. And a few other things.
It’s all enraging and astounding and I genuinely cannot believe where we are. The same day citizens are being hauled off in unmarked vans by men in masks in Chicago - for *protesting* - our despicable potus is at the U.S. Open where New Yorkers did, in fact, boo him loudly.
A five-time draft-dodger saluting while they play the national anthem. A man who makes all our children less safe and renames the Department of Defense the Department of War.
It’s not that I’m feeling especially patriotic these days, it’s the disgusting hypocrisy. It’s that people like him try to insult the people who took a knee because they wanted our country to be better. And now he comes in and shits all over the Constitution and makes himself richer by the day, and salutes like a veteran, when he would never put his life on the line for anyone. Let alone this country.
I just went off. Sorry. What I meant to say was, welcome to the community, I’m so happy you’re here!!!
Go off, girl. You’re just putting words to what I’m already thinking. As Joyce Vance says, we’re in this together. 🫶
Indeed and thank god for that ❤️
The "or" in the choose your adventure scenario is harrowing. I know that change is certain, but there will be a lot of suffering before this lets up. Goddamnit, I want to shake people. This is what you want? THIS??? Fuck. Thank you for laying it out so eloquently. Like you always do. Love and admiration... x
I agree. I find it unfathomable that anyone could want things to be this way. I will never understand it. But I’m so grateful for you and every one of us feeling that same way. I swear there are more of us. Sending you hugs and love.
Feeling all of this Ally. Not the car buying part though. We were on a road trip home yesterday for about 6 hours and I was in the mood to vent about our effed up world and my husband was in the mood to chastise me for constantly being negative. I stopped for his sake but the fact that our South Carolina legislature is pushing a total abortion ban with no exceptions and I also watched the abuse survivors speak with the loud planes trying to drown out their voices just made me sad for where we are and for the future of women.
It is so hard. We really aren’t built for this kind of sustained, intense stress and unrelenting chaos. I don’t expect anyone to be able to think about it all or dwell on it or to constantly be taking action every minute of the day, that isn’t manageable or helpful, either. I’m always trying to find the balance because I grew up scanning the environment for danger and I “read the room” by default and tend to worry and run different scenarios and try to head off disaster before it strikes. Obviously all my careful planning did not work out this time, Mary!!! I jest, but I do have to make myself take breaks.
I try to be sensitive to other people’s limits and totally understand if I’m with someone who wants to talk about anything other than all the horrible shit happening here. We all need to focus on joy too and remember to laugh and be with our people and replenish the tank so we can survive this. I can’t deal with people who *never* want to talk about it or engage or take action, I can’t have people like that in my inner circle right now, but I can absolutely respect it when people need a breather because I have those days, too.
Personally I don’t love the lens of “you’re being negative” lol because jeezus. You’re just awake and despairing like any sane person. That isn’t negativity. The jets flying over the Capitol was absolutely disgusting and exactly what I expect from the POS in office and all his cohorts. And the abortion bans and all the ways this administration is working to erode women’s rights and all the rights of anyone who isn’t a straight, white, upwardly mobile man should make everyone sick. I’m sorry you had nowhere to put all those feelings during a 6-hour drive. You can always message me. Sending you a ton of love and hugs.
Thanks so much! I have a good circle of neighbors who feel like we do. My husband vents too we just don’t always feel it at the same moment or intensity. 💗
Totally get it. I check in with all my close people before I launch in these days. I’ve taken to asking whether it’s a good moment to talk about it and I also say when I could use a break. We’re all doing the best we can during insane and unthinkable times 🫤❤️🩹
I live in the now no rainbow colored crosswalks and painting over murals state of FL. I think when the following begins to happen, FL might reconsider the fascism and stubborn stupidity:
tourists begin avoiding us even more (Canadian tourism is already way down here so far and justifiably so), increased deaths of infants or fetuses, pregnant women due to mumps, rubella, whooping cough, disability due to diphtheria and polio (can still kill you btw) happening to wealthy people who ignored their pediatrician’s advice- notice I said WEALTHY parents, because they can file lawsuits with prominent attorneys to multiple parties, or a class action lawsuit from multiple infant deaths, etc. In FL, laws often come about after political donors get pissed off or inconvenienced. The “peasantry,”the service industry workers, minorities and even middle class carry the brunt of backwards FL laws- the ending of abortion rights, book banning on steroids, defunding of state programs to help the most vulnerable, restricting rights to protest, difficult to get and super expensive homeowners insurance, teaching slavery “helped” black people in their textbooks, giving developers more sway to pollute, sprawl and crap in FL’s ecosystems, letting super rich and creepy predators set up business here, etc ad nauseum.
The only time Gov Disastrous pays attention is when rich people/donors complain or to ingratiate himself to the Pedo Dictator in the now tacky White House.
Multiple deaths/disability and raging pandemics of preventable diseases will affect the school
system- but more importantly to senior living/rehab etc investors could cause more deaths among medically fragile (some vaccines lose potency over long periods of time - polio, measles, etc from 1960’s). It’s not only bad science, it is a disastrous idea overall based on the population of FL being a high percentage of elderly, medically fragile. The lack of foresight, the view of vaccines from an extremely questionable quack of a government official, the lack of understanding that we are still a huge international hub - Miami and Orlando get tourists and business people from all over the globe is staggering in its stupidity.
I’m not in a position to move out of state. Yet.
But unfortunately it may have to be the domino effect to make Floridians pull back on Gov Disastrous and his ilk at the voting booth. The law of FAFO. But how many people will suffer/die due to this madness?
I am in the uncomfortable position of wanting to give you a standing ovation because I agree with every single thing you said here, and also feeling utter despair because I also agree the death toll is going to be severe and heartbreaking. I cannot believe this is where we are, genuinely. I hope that you are right, that people see in time the absolute insanity and destruction of continuing along this path, and that they (and we) move quickly enough to turn this ship the fuck around. And that hopefully it happens before too many people die for no reason except this wild unchecked smug stupidity. Unbelievable.
Hugs to you Jen. Thank you for being here.
I was a smoker for a very long time, and now I use a vape (yeah yeah I know, but my doctors ALL said it is an improvement, so I'll take it). It's a hell of an addiction, and god dammit, RFK Jr. is the one person right now making me tempted enough to buy a pack and light them ALL AT ONCE.
As for your son, I remember having a similar conversation with my mother about not wanting kids. I was a little older. I said I didn't want children of my own, if I had them, because there were too many people in the world without parents. She told me I was selfish, which...now completely tracks but at the time confused me.
I hope to hell if he really wants it in the future, there will be a reason to hope. ❤️
It’s funny, I felt incredibly sad until he said the part about adopting, though I would have kept those feelings to myself. I don’t have any attachment to having my genetic material passed along, but I would love to love on a baby again. And I love hanging out with toddlers and little kids and bigger kids and yeah. I think being a grandma would be really awesome one day (NOT NOW). But my kids are under no obligation to fulfill that desire, ffs!!
I would be thrilled if he adopted or had his own if things change, or both. It just killed me that he’s thought about this to such a degree at his age. And so many young people are thinking this way - because of course they are. This is all insane.
RFK Jr makes me want to drink and smoke and run naked through the streets screaming, and I don’t do any of that normally. None of this is normal. Hugs to you my friend. So glad to know you ❤️
The "Lady in the streets..." made me think of Melanie Griffith's line "I've got a mind for business and a bod for sin" from "Working Girl", a film that embodies all the worst stereotypes of women, and confirms how many men still hold on to them. That film is almost 40 years old, but those ideas are still regurgitated today. Those men want to remain faultless for all of their destructive behavior, and right now it looks like they have the upper hand. But we will come around to accountability, and sanity, I hope sooner than we think.
Ha, yes it’s a line from “Nasty Girl” a song by Ludacris from 2008 if you want all the deets. A lot of weird stuff popped into my head while I was writing this 😳
I remember that line from “Working Girl” too. The messages about girls and women are so pervasive and exhausting. I was talking to someone my age (a woman) and she said she never felt held back by her gender, she was taught she could do anything, and we all were. It’s just when you get out in the world you find out you can “do anything” but you won’t be paid the same rate as a man for the same job even if you do it just as well. And you may get harassed by your boss or your colleague and reporting it may cost you your career. And whatever, I could be here all day. I’m preaching to the choir. We need to stop voting for people who don’t respect women and every other marginalized group if we want any of this to change. Feels like the most obvious thing, doesn’t it? Hugs and love to you.
Yeah, I was also told that I could do anything, but it turned out the thing I really wanted to do was poetry. Which I did, but still had to spend time at a paying jobs. Work was usually not miserable, but never fulfilling, and there were always men who would stare at our breasts when talking about projects, and those who insisted that my unmarried female colleagues should be able to work overtime on weekends because they "didn't have a husband or kids", who, in the 1990s were still talking about the sales bullpen. Cool stuff like that.
We do have to defeat those running for office who ignore those of us who are not white, or male, or wealthy.
In Boston, Mayor Wu is running for reelection. She has three challengers. In the democratic primary, there's Bob Kraft's son, who seems to have taken campaign advice from Trump.
There are also two Republicans. I received a campaign flyer from one today. His goals include: no sanctuary city, no new homeless shelters anywhere, no transgender (people) in Boston public school sports, full cooperation with ICE, and no free buses. They did spell buses "busses", but otherwise, it's a grim read.
I'm not concerned that he'll get to the general election, but he's so far removed how the majority think here that's it's clear he has big money coming in from some out of state fascist friends.
Sorry for the rant. Thank you, always, for your posts, and good luck with the used car hunt.
🧡🧡🧡
Never be sorry for this kind of rant, it’s exactly what we need to rant about. Sometimes I say things in passing to people, things I assume everyone knows, and then I realize no, everyone does not know these things. Recently I mentioned the gender pay gap to two different men in my life and neither of them had a clue what I was talking about. One of them said “that can’t be true” and I was like uhhhh. Wow. It’s very extremely true where have you been? But I guess there are a lot of people who don’t pay attention to things unless they affect them directly. So ranting is good. And always welcome here.
Your son talking about having children breaks my heart. But his considering adoption mended it.
The kids know. Our comfortable denial is dying. And I had the same misgivings when I was 34. But the signs were less obvious, more intellectual/"radical", and I was still trying hard to within our system and traditions. I tried really hard, even though somewhere deep inside was warning me, the part that knew what was coming.
After a hellish trial of multiple rounds of in vitro fertilization that ended in quadruplet embryos, three of which that miscarried--and all the other cold, invasive procedures before that, we got our son.
And then he was diagnosed with T1 diabetes the day after his 4th birthday.
And then the banks blew up and the economy tanked.
And everything went to shit, and progressively so in the years that followed.
And now? I love my son. Dearly. But what have I done?
The grief stacks high.
It’s all so sad because we could have created anything, and we created this. I’m talking 10,000 feet up or whatever, but sometimes I really think about humanity and humans and “progress” and it is so insane to have a planet that provides everything everyone needs - all the water and fresh air and food and all of it, but I guess we’ve been violent selfish assholes from the beginning? Obsessed with “mine”? I just don’t get it. Anyway, I went “wide” on my response here, I know, but this is the kind of thing I think about sometimes. All the art, poetry and music notwithstanding. All the wonderful inventions and strides we have made.
I just wish people generally would get the download. You’re not taking a single thing with you, just fucking be chill. Enjoy. You don’t need all that much. Smh.
These are important questions. The wide view is the place to start, IMO.
The first book I recommend to people struggling to understand why we ended up here is Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. I read it in 1996 and it’s haunted me ever since. The second book I recommend (and much more recent) is The Dawn of Everything — A New History of Humanity by David Graeber and David Wengrow.
Humanity is not the problem. The culture that has conquered the world is.
I second the recommendation for Graeber and Wengrow’s book - it’s a thorough and sustained attempt to read against the grain of standard anthropological accounts which assume that patriarchal competition, violence, and property rights are inherent and ‘natural’ to humanity. My favourite section is probably the one that maps out the historical evidence for flourishing, long-lasting matriarchal societies, something that’s been pooh-poohed for too long because female scholars alone have typically studied them. 🙄 I’ve also enjoyed Rutger Bregman’s book Humankind: A Hopeful History (2020), which is less ambitious intellectually but more accessible and provides a similarly solid counter argument to the idea that humans are inherently prone to selfishness, hierarchy, competition, and violence. His account of the REAL story on which the Lord of the Flies was based is quite amazing and really rather moving.
Excellent! Two more books going on the TBR pile. I am going to read them all. Just need to finish my book first, or we need to make days with 36 hours or something. But thank you, this is great ❤️
Agreed.
Our globalized culture has fed us all the lie that humans are inherently violent, warlike, and greedy. It’s the modernized version of “original sin”.
It is a cultural confession packaged as a convenient accusation.
And even if it were true, we cannot evolve? It stinks of stasis, and would mean that we are already a dead species.
It’s bullshit.
I loved Ishmael, haven’t read A New History of Humanity but will get it!
HA! Like minds. Love it.