Whew, this one got me. I felt anxious just reading about your trip to drop your son off at college, just a total crushing of the heart followed by a great release. I'm so glad you got through it, even if it meant feeling all the feelings. But I think that's amazing because it means you have so much love in your life.
I appreciate so much that you address the collective grief and the way you do it. I know what you mean about feeling like there's no room for the so-called normal grief, like it's hard to sit with our own feelings and experiences when there is so much chaos going on around us, constantly. You tell the stories of normal grief so well, too, so I look forward to reading those essays.
Good luck in NYC dealing with your mother's ashes. Big hugs to you.
Thanks so much, Kate. Last weekend was so emotional, and I’m still not totally sure how I drove away. But I’m very relieved he’s doing well, and we’re all adjusting.
I’m writing to you from the bedroom where I grew up - in NYC, and that’s strange, too. Life is strange and fragile and beautiful and I really feel time folds in on itself, some moments more than others. I’m sure I’ll be writing about this next week.
Lastly, I think the entire country is in a state of fight or flight, and/or is totally exhausted. I think that may be the only common ground left. I’ve been teaching yoga for 30 years and I’ve never seen more people with nervous systems that are totally shot. I long for the day when we can relax and soften and open and just…I don’t know. Not be assaulted by the daily news. Really hoping that day comes sooner than later. Thank you, as ever, for being here. The comments section continues to be life giving because of people like you 🤍
Hi Ally, thank you for another beautiful essay, though I'd much rather read about your kids and deodorants and random encounters with stupid, but rather harmless people, then to be reminded of the surreal world we live in right now.
I will say though, I still love your voice here and the fact that you fight, that you keep hoping, as that makes me hope and fight too.
Anneke recently told me how upset she was to get detention for not having blazer on during lunch break, and I wonder how long until she realises that there are far weirder rules around one's autonomy.
Anyway, I wish you and your family all the best as always.
Thanks Peter. The thing that would make me happiest is being in a place where I can just write about deodorant or some interaction at the DMV or this thing that occurred to me that I’m obsessing over or the way the light hit this tree today, a tree that is just changing colors, and how for a split second nothing else mattered. Soon, I hope. Thanks for your comments and love to you and Anneke!
Gosh how I long for some normality, in which we might be able to live our already-complex-enough lives without this enormous storm of white supremacist, deeply misogynistic fascism raging constantly all around us. Everyday challenges and struggles seem amplified and twisted into shapes that now feel unmanageable. It is very hard to sleep and to think straight when there’s no free mental space to go to that doesn’t quickly bring you back to the terror of what potentially awaits us and indeed the perceptions and opinions of people we live amongst. I had a rough night too. Wishing us all strength ahead.
I think the worst of it is that it doesn’t have to be this way. I wish so much we could have a reboot. Or we could lace the water with whatever would make people return to their kinder natures and be inclined to shed the armor and put down the machete. It’s exhausting living this way and so sad because you can’t not care and you can’t not pay attention but also you have to pay attention to the beauty as well. But it’s so hard to do that when people are so awful to one another and you’re literally worrying about your friends and family and yourself and what kind of world we’re creating here. I hate how close this election is, and I hate that it takes up so much of my mental and emotional energy, but there’s so much on the line. Anyway. I hope we turn the ship in a much better direction for all our sakes. And I thank you for your thoughtful comments and for being here 🤍
I reacted like that to a whole bunch of natural deodorants (only the best of which actually worked), but for those who are still trying or might care to try again, I have been using Grove’s refillable Peach deodorant now for several months with no issue.
Less effective but also nonreactive (for me) is the ClayDry brand.
And no judgment whatsoever to those who just throw in the towel and stick with Dove.
Oh Kate, thank you. All we need are a few good people to hold up the corners when things get heavy. I’m always here to run to a corner for you, too. Love you 🤍
you are SUCH a fine writer, Ally. Putting the mushy and overwhelming feelings all of us feel into wise and distinct words for posterity is your FORTE. Please carry on.
Thank you so much. That means the world to me. I’d lose my mind if I didn’t write, so I will surely carry on, and I’m so thankful for your kindness and support. Big hugs and lots of love 🤍
I’m somewhat convinced that the women who are still behind the orange sociopath have experienced so much abuse that his crazy just sounds like a native tongue to them. Ugh.
However…..
That pic of you and your son has love and sweetness beaming from every pixel. That’s the hope we’re all trying to preserve and protect. Thanks for sharing it with us. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’ve drawn the same conclusion. It’s that identifying with the abuser thing. Internalized misogyny. Such a shame to see.
And thank you, my daughter snapped that pic. I think what I want is a world where we can all be vulnerable with one another and know we’re safe. We feel so far from that right now and it’s really sad. But I am hoping for happier days ahead for all of us. Thank you for being here, Eileen. Lots of love ❤️
Yes, yes, yes, Sister. Once again, you hit the nail on the head, perfectly articulating why - over the last 8 years, anyway - I often feel like I can’t take a deep breath without it hitching painfully in my chest.
This is just not a normal way to live and frankly, this never should have happened. He is an unserious man and I LAUGHED when he came down the escalator. Joke was on me, though. I realize he didn’t cause all the division. I understand he just unleashed what was there, but he’s also stoked the flames of hatred and rage for years now, and I’m so tired of it. I just want him to go away and take all the awful people he ignited along with him. I’d be very happy if the whole lot of them moved to Mar-a-Lago where they could live by whatever rules they like as long as they do it inside the gates. Just want to be done with this.
Thank you so much, Cathy!! Appreciate the hugs and hope we get on some kind of track toward normalcy soon! Otherwise I may talk to you about life Down Under. Hugs ❤️
Just a big hug, Ally. Everyone ^ has already said anything I wanted to, but who can’t use one more hug (virtual or real), right? Your kids are so lucky… and your readers are too!
I have so much to say about this post. I feel all your sentiments. My son went off to NYU in the late summer of 2001. I don't have to tell you what happened two weeks later. The grief over my "baby" leaving for college {only an hour away, but still...} was completely overtaken by our city and nation grieving for the loss of so many lives along with our security. It was such a scary time. It feels scary now as well. We just got home from a quick getaway to Montauk where I found myself shopping for sweats in a store that had some beautiful things. My mistake was going back for more. When I was leaving I said to the saleswoman "see you next year!" Then she said, "I hope things are better in our country." I was naive {I am in NY after all} and responded with "Yes! I feel hopeful and things are getting better already." She gave me a crazy look and said, "No way" At that point I knew we were on different thought waves but I couldn't stop. I told her I despised that man, that he was horrible for women... I never got a chance to finish when she accused me of supporting killing children. Then got in my face {in my face} and said, "Are you a Christian? ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN?" I told her women were dying bc of the new policies in some states. She told me I needed a hug. She came out from behind the counter to hug me and asked me to hug her back {I didn't} and then she whispered in my ear, "you'll find out the truth, you'll find out the truth" I left quickly, but let me tell you, I am a senior and I was traumatized by it all. My husband and dog were waiting in the car for me and it took until we got back to our hotel for me to tell him. Geez. What the hell is wrong with these people? She told me she didn't listen to the news or read the newspaper, but "did her own research". What the hell is that? Where is this research that people are "doing?" We're living in an upside down world for sure. On another note ~ I was also a yoga teacher before the pandemic who left for personal reasons. I was vegan for 8 years and looking back I was quite preachy. I no longer buy organic exclusively, I eat lean meats, cheese and eggs {still lots of fruits and veggies} and I use Dove deodorant as well. lol! Ally, this entire post spoke to me! I look forward to Thursday mornings and your musings. Regarding your son ~ once the grieving subsides you will enjoy this wonderful time in all your lives. Texts and FaceTime will comfort you.
Oh my gosh, Debra. My heart started racing thinking about what it must have been like for you to have your son at NYU. My brother was at Norwich University and my stepdad worked at the World Trade Center and we all assumed he was there. He should have been and normally would have been, but he got off the subway a stop early to walk because it was beautiful out. He got there as people were being evacuated, and then he was in the throngs of people who had to run when the first Tower collapsed. We didn’t hear from him for 4+ hours because the phones were out and he walked all the way home in shock. We couldn’t get through to my brother. Anyway. Horrific, heartbreaking day, and I imagine as a mom you must have been absolutely beside yourself. Hugs to the you of fall of 2001.
And most yoga teachers I know go through the extreme stage. I was a strict vegan for 8 years and I have no doubt I drove friends and family nuts. I also got caught up in Ashtanga yoga and thought it was the *only* yoga for a while - I laugh as I write that. But eventually I came back to center and was all the better for it.
I’m so sorry about your experience in Montauk. It is really hard to fathom how anyone is supporting a ticket that is so blatantly cruel and is just out there with the racism and misogyny like they’re things to be proud of. It’s shocking and so sad. I think that is the thing, is just the sadness I feel for so many people who are angry and hurt enough to be supporting such awful people. I can’t think of any other reason for it. I still believe in my heart there are more loving, gentle people than there are people who live in fear, and I am rooting for all of us, hard. Sending you tons of love. Dove sisters unite lol.
Glad your son is settling in ok, Ally. Thinking of you as you make a different difficult trip to inter your mother’s ashes. Hope it’s a cathartic few days.
I’m hanging in there. Went to my Aunt Louise’s tonight for dinner and saw my cousins and that was the best antidote after a lot of grief! And I always fold back into NYC like I never left, which is comforting. Plan to take a nice long walk in Central Park tomorrow, maybe head to the Guggenheim. Looking forward to coffee with a close friend in the afternoon and dinner with people I’ve known since elementary school. Should be just what the doctor ordered. Sending you tons of love, Wendy 🤍🤍
Really feeling all of this, Ally. And wow, that's two pretty intense weekends, back to back. It's enough to have the "normal grief," as you say, and harder when the collective grief seems to go unseen by so many people. I'm grateful that you continue to bring more of it to light.
The carnivore at the market story makes me think of a friend (and yoga teacher actually!) who had just quit working for a food company because their packaging wasn't green enough. She happened to be visiting so we could all go blueberry picking together, at a local farm which was maybe 100 yards from our driveway. She got into her car and drove to meet us there. We all have our blindspots, for sure. If my kids heard me telling this story, they would undoubtedly roll out a bunch of mine.
It’s funny because I didn’t have to do these things back-to-back. My stepdad wanted to inter my mother’s ashes and wanted me to come before the ground froze, but I could have waited a few more weeks and it would have been fine. But it would have been looming, too, so I just decided I might as well do the hard things in one week and then recover. Will get back to you about the wisdom of this lol.
And your story made me chuckle. That’s exactly it. We all have our blind spots and at the very least I’ll say I’m happy I know that. That’s the stuff that keeps you humble and I really can’t imagine not ever feeling humbled in the face of this wild ride we’re on. Happy to be riding with you, thanks for your comments and for being here 🤍
Whew, this one got me. I felt anxious just reading about your trip to drop your son off at college, just a total crushing of the heart followed by a great release. I'm so glad you got through it, even if it meant feeling all the feelings. But I think that's amazing because it means you have so much love in your life.
I appreciate so much that you address the collective grief and the way you do it. I know what you mean about feeling like there's no room for the so-called normal grief, like it's hard to sit with our own feelings and experiences when there is so much chaos going on around us, constantly. You tell the stories of normal grief so well, too, so I look forward to reading those essays.
Good luck in NYC dealing with your mother's ashes. Big hugs to you.
Thanks so much, Kate. Last weekend was so emotional, and I’m still not totally sure how I drove away. But I’m very relieved he’s doing well, and we’re all adjusting.
I’m writing to you from the bedroom where I grew up - in NYC, and that’s strange, too. Life is strange and fragile and beautiful and I really feel time folds in on itself, some moments more than others. I’m sure I’ll be writing about this next week.
Lastly, I think the entire country is in a state of fight or flight, and/or is totally exhausted. I think that may be the only common ground left. I’ve been teaching yoga for 30 years and I’ve never seen more people with nervous systems that are totally shot. I long for the day when we can relax and soften and open and just…I don’t know. Not be assaulted by the daily news. Really hoping that day comes sooner than later. Thank you, as ever, for being here. The comments section continues to be life giving because of people like you 🤍
“The thing that is troubling to me, and by “troubling” I mean devastating, is why we aren’t able to agree on just some very basic things.”
♥️
Wouldn’t it be nice, though? ♥️
Hi Ally, thank you for another beautiful essay, though I'd much rather read about your kids and deodorants and random encounters with stupid, but rather harmless people, then to be reminded of the surreal world we live in right now.
I will say though, I still love your voice here and the fact that you fight, that you keep hoping, as that makes me hope and fight too.
Anneke recently told me how upset she was to get detention for not having blazer on during lunch break, and I wonder how long until she realises that there are far weirder rules around one's autonomy.
Anyway, I wish you and your family all the best as always.
Namaste 🙏
Thanks Peter. The thing that would make me happiest is being in a place where I can just write about deodorant or some interaction at the DMV or this thing that occurred to me that I’m obsessing over or the way the light hit this tree today, a tree that is just changing colors, and how for a split second nothing else mattered. Soon, I hope. Thanks for your comments and love to you and Anneke!
Gosh how I long for some normality, in which we might be able to live our already-complex-enough lives without this enormous storm of white supremacist, deeply misogynistic fascism raging constantly all around us. Everyday challenges and struggles seem amplified and twisted into shapes that now feel unmanageable. It is very hard to sleep and to think straight when there’s no free mental space to go to that doesn’t quickly bring you back to the terror of what potentially awaits us and indeed the perceptions and opinions of people we live amongst. I had a rough night too. Wishing us all strength ahead.
I think the worst of it is that it doesn’t have to be this way. I wish so much we could have a reboot. Or we could lace the water with whatever would make people return to their kinder natures and be inclined to shed the armor and put down the machete. It’s exhausting living this way and so sad because you can’t not care and you can’t not pay attention but also you have to pay attention to the beauty as well. But it’s so hard to do that when people are so awful to one another and you’re literally worrying about your friends and family and yourself and what kind of world we’re creating here. I hate how close this election is, and I hate that it takes up so much of my mental and emotional energy, but there’s so much on the line. Anyway. I hope we turn the ship in a much better direction for all our sakes. And I thank you for your thoughtful comments and for being here 🤍
I reacted like that to a whole bunch of natural deodorants (only the best of which actually worked), but for those who are still trying or might care to try again, I have been using Grove’s refillable Peach deodorant now for several months with no issue.
Less effective but also nonreactive (for me) is the ClayDry brand.
And no judgment whatsoever to those who just throw in the towel and stick with Dove.
I hope your son has an incredible first semester.
Thank you so much - for the tip (maybe this will be my next try lol) and the good wishes for my son! Hugs and love.
The world is so much. Your personal world is so much. You are holding up the sky, friend, and doing great at it. Here to hold a corner with you. xo
Oh Kate, thank you. All we need are a few good people to hold up the corners when things get heavy. I’m always here to run to a corner for you, too. Love you 🤍
I choose Stevia.
Hahaha. Stevia and the bear. And Dove 🤍
you are SUCH a fine writer, Ally. Putting the mushy and overwhelming feelings all of us feel into wise and distinct words for posterity is your FORTE. Please carry on.
Thank you so much. That means the world to me. I’d lose my mind if I didn’t write, so I will surely carry on, and I’m so thankful for your kindness and support. Big hugs and lots of love 🤍
I’m somewhat convinced that the women who are still behind the orange sociopath have experienced so much abuse that his crazy just sounds like a native tongue to them. Ugh.
However…..
That pic of you and your son has love and sweetness beaming from every pixel. That’s the hope we’re all trying to preserve and protect. Thanks for sharing it with us. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’ve drawn the same conclusion. It’s that identifying with the abuser thing. Internalized misogyny. Such a shame to see.
And thank you, my daughter snapped that pic. I think what I want is a world where we can all be vulnerable with one another and know we’re safe. We feel so far from that right now and it’s really sad. But I am hoping for happier days ahead for all of us. Thank you for being here, Eileen. Lots of love ❤️
Yes, yes, yes, Sister. Once again, you hit the nail on the head, perfectly articulating why - over the last 8 years, anyway - I often feel like I can’t take a deep breath without it hitching painfully in my chest.
This is just not a normal way to live and frankly, this never should have happened. He is an unserious man and I LAUGHED when he came down the escalator. Joke was on me, though. I realize he didn’t cause all the division. I understand he just unleashed what was there, but he’s also stoked the flames of hatred and rage for years now, and I’m so tired of it. I just want him to go away and take all the awful people he ignited along with him. I’d be very happy if the whole lot of them moved to Mar-a-Lago where they could live by whatever rules they like as long as they do it inside the gates. Just want to be done with this.
Big big hugs from Down Under in these very very troubling times. ❤️❤️
Thank you so much, Cathy!! Appreciate the hugs and hope we get on some kind of track toward normalcy soon! Otherwise I may talk to you about life Down Under. Hugs ❤️
Just a big hug, Ally. Everyone ^ has already said anything I wanted to, but who can’t use one more hug (virtual or real), right? Your kids are so lucky… and your readers are too!
I am always grateful for one more virtual hug and I thank you for your comments, Steve ❤️ You all give me hope! Hugs.
I have so much to say about this post. I feel all your sentiments. My son went off to NYU in the late summer of 2001. I don't have to tell you what happened two weeks later. The grief over my "baby" leaving for college {only an hour away, but still...} was completely overtaken by our city and nation grieving for the loss of so many lives along with our security. It was such a scary time. It feels scary now as well. We just got home from a quick getaway to Montauk where I found myself shopping for sweats in a store that had some beautiful things. My mistake was going back for more. When I was leaving I said to the saleswoman "see you next year!" Then she said, "I hope things are better in our country." I was naive {I am in NY after all} and responded with "Yes! I feel hopeful and things are getting better already." She gave me a crazy look and said, "No way" At that point I knew we were on different thought waves but I couldn't stop. I told her I despised that man, that he was horrible for women... I never got a chance to finish when she accused me of supporting killing children. Then got in my face {in my face} and said, "Are you a Christian? ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN?" I told her women were dying bc of the new policies in some states. She told me I needed a hug. She came out from behind the counter to hug me and asked me to hug her back {I didn't} and then she whispered in my ear, "you'll find out the truth, you'll find out the truth" I left quickly, but let me tell you, I am a senior and I was traumatized by it all. My husband and dog were waiting in the car for me and it took until we got back to our hotel for me to tell him. Geez. What the hell is wrong with these people? She told me she didn't listen to the news or read the newspaper, but "did her own research". What the hell is that? Where is this research that people are "doing?" We're living in an upside down world for sure. On another note ~ I was also a yoga teacher before the pandemic who left for personal reasons. I was vegan for 8 years and looking back I was quite preachy. I no longer buy organic exclusively, I eat lean meats, cheese and eggs {still lots of fruits and veggies} and I use Dove deodorant as well. lol! Ally, this entire post spoke to me! I look forward to Thursday mornings and your musings. Regarding your son ~ once the grieving subsides you will enjoy this wonderful time in all your lives. Texts and FaceTime will comfort you.
Oh my gosh, Debra. My heart started racing thinking about what it must have been like for you to have your son at NYU. My brother was at Norwich University and my stepdad worked at the World Trade Center and we all assumed he was there. He should have been and normally would have been, but he got off the subway a stop early to walk because it was beautiful out. He got there as people were being evacuated, and then he was in the throngs of people who had to run when the first Tower collapsed. We didn’t hear from him for 4+ hours because the phones were out and he walked all the way home in shock. We couldn’t get through to my brother. Anyway. Horrific, heartbreaking day, and I imagine as a mom you must have been absolutely beside yourself. Hugs to the you of fall of 2001.
And most yoga teachers I know go through the extreme stage. I was a strict vegan for 8 years and I have no doubt I drove friends and family nuts. I also got caught up in Ashtanga yoga and thought it was the *only* yoga for a while - I laugh as I write that. But eventually I came back to center and was all the better for it.
I’m so sorry about your experience in Montauk. It is really hard to fathom how anyone is supporting a ticket that is so blatantly cruel and is just out there with the racism and misogyny like they’re things to be proud of. It’s shocking and so sad. I think that is the thing, is just the sadness I feel for so many people who are angry and hurt enough to be supporting such awful people. I can’t think of any other reason for it. I still believe in my heart there are more loving, gentle people than there are people who live in fear, and I am rooting for all of us, hard. Sending you tons of love. Dove sisters unite lol.
Glad your son is settling in ok, Ally. Thinking of you as you make a different difficult trip to inter your mother’s ashes. Hope it’s a cathartic few days.
Love to you x
I’m hanging in there. Went to my Aunt Louise’s tonight for dinner and saw my cousins and that was the best antidote after a lot of grief! And I always fold back into NYC like I never left, which is comforting. Plan to take a nice long walk in Central Park tomorrow, maybe head to the Guggenheim. Looking forward to coffee with a close friend in the afternoon and dinner with people I’ve known since elementary school. Should be just what the doctor ordered. Sending you tons of love, Wendy 🤍🤍
Seeing family and exploring NYC sounds grounding. x
Really feeling all of this, Ally. And wow, that's two pretty intense weekends, back to back. It's enough to have the "normal grief," as you say, and harder when the collective grief seems to go unseen by so many people. I'm grateful that you continue to bring more of it to light.
The carnivore at the market story makes me think of a friend (and yoga teacher actually!) who had just quit working for a food company because their packaging wasn't green enough. She happened to be visiting so we could all go blueberry picking together, at a local farm which was maybe 100 yards from our driveway. She got into her car and drove to meet us there. We all have our blindspots, for sure. If my kids heard me telling this story, they would undoubtedly roll out a bunch of mine.
It’s funny because I didn’t have to do these things back-to-back. My stepdad wanted to inter my mother’s ashes and wanted me to come before the ground froze, but I could have waited a few more weeks and it would have been fine. But it would have been looming, too, so I just decided I might as well do the hard things in one week and then recover. Will get back to you about the wisdom of this lol.
And your story made me chuckle. That’s exactly it. We all have our blind spots and at the very least I’ll say I’m happy I know that. That’s the stuff that keeps you humble and I really can’t imagine not ever feeling humbled in the face of this wild ride we’re on. Happy to be riding with you, thanks for your comments and for being here 🤍