This brought me back instantly to 4th grade and the grown man who used to call our apartment every day right after I’d arrived home and locked the door behind me. I had a single, working mom, and he obviously knew I was alone at that time. He’d ask me dirty, inappropriate questions, and I never knew whether it was worse to answer or to hang up on him because I was a good Catholic girl. I thought it would be RUDE to hang up. I still carry some of that acquiescence in me. This essay is so powerful, and our shared experiences as girls and women are so fucked up. Thank you for bringing them into the light.
Oh Katrina, I really feel for you. That’s such a horrible thing to go through and I understand the struggle you still have fighting against acquiescence. I still struggle to hit publish. I want to say all these things but there is still some part of me that hesitates and I don’t think I’m alone in that. I’m getting through it, obviously (lol) but it’s still there. And I think in a way the fact that it’s there pisses me off so much, I hit publish just to spite it. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m sorry grown men prey on little girls. It’s not right and it’s too much for any of us to bear. Sending you so much love and hugs to the 4th grade you 🤍🤍
You know the day I had, trying to hike without some man encroaching on my space and making me feel unsafe in a place we should all be able to find refuge— but this essay is a lifelong heartache. I hate it for you.
I’m so fucking sick of male predatory behavior and entitlement. It’s 3:30am, I’m still pissed about the asshole following me on the trail today, I’m pissed about all these men who thought they could treat you like this, and feeling such rage for us all.
Thank you for writing raw truth. And I’m sorry. For all of us.
I’m sorry, too, Kate, and I just restacked your essay which is raw and enraging and beautiful (in a raw and enraging way). I hate this for all of us. I hope we can change it. I know this kind of thing never changes overnight but we just have to start where we are, and maybe breathe fire together. That should do it, I think 🔥 Hugs and love, friend. Stay safe 🤍
Oh this brought back memories of being a teenager in Tehran and finally getting permission to ride the bus with my friends, only to have grown ass nasty men rub themselves against us. We learned pretty quickly to jam elbows in their ribs and stomp on their feet, and on one memorable occasion a friend of mine bashed a man on the head with her school binder while screaming at him. I truly hope we can change things for your daughter's generation.
It’s wild how this is a worldwide reality, but not surprising. And I have to say. I am holding the image of your friend bashing that guy over the head and stomping on his feet in my heart. We all deserve so much better than this, and I guess we are going to have to fight tooth and nail to get there, but look at this crew showing up just here! I think we are all so done accepting it as “the way things are.” Thank you so much for your comments and for being here. It means the world to me 🤍
This made me call into question a lot of assumptions and proclivities I picked up as a young man; unlearning and dispensing with this ugly part of culture that normalizes this is part of my hope—especially regarding my younger sisters, nieces, and the other women in my life. Thank you, as always, for your honesty in these essays.
I so appreciate that you are listening and open because I imagine it probably is uncomfortable to read this as a man, but I also think boys are growing up with the same messaging, so it’s the system that’s problematic, not the people. And there are so many places where the system is failing anyone who is not a straight white man. It’s disgusting and I’m so over it, but the only way to fix it (in my estimation) is to blow the lid off this stuff and talk openly. Thank you so much for being here. Sending you lots of love 🤍
Ugh. "Is a grown ass man pressing his dick into my back at rush hour" is my least favorite NYC guessing game. 0/10.
My other least favorite game: Find a bodega because I am being followed very closely and if I turn around I may not make it home. There was one night the guy was SO close I could feel his breath hitting my neck and I just walked faster, because I knew the bodega where I bought my cigarettes was at the end of the block, and those guys knew me. I ran in, said THIS DUDE IS FOLLOWING ME (very loudly) and they let me hide out in the back so I could call my husband to meet me and walk me the rest of the way home.
I just shake my head and feel such a surge of rage because it’s not okay. This should not be the way things are and none of us should feel unsafe as part of our daily lives. Most of us have to take public transportation from time to time, or walk on a street alone. That shouldn’t be a problem. I’m glad we’re all talking about it. I have no intention of stopping. And as much as I hate the crap we’re still dealing with, there aren’t people anywhere I’d rather be in conversation with than all of you. Thank you for being here 🤍🤍🤍
I read this last night and I was so pissed off about your experiences, our collective experiences, my mother's messages to me about such things (either shrug off or ACCEPT AS A COMPLIMENT) that I opted to not comment until today. This morning I feel good that your daughter is far less likely to have to flee someone in the night, but if she does, you will not allow her to believe that it's something she should accept as part of a being in a relationship. This is progress. Despite right wing desires to treat women like property (aka replaceable holes), you are ensuring progress. For this, I smile.
Thank you so much, Eileen. I didn’t even dig into the whole “be a good girl, be polite, hug people when they ask to be hugged, learn to override your intuition” messaging so many of us dealt with. I may have to keep writing in this vein for a while because every week these fuckers in the GOP give us more to be furious about. But I have to say, the comments here just give me life and hope and the right kind of fire and I love you all for it. Truly. Sending you love and hugs (if you want them lol)
I’ll take all the hugs! And by all means, write about all the fuckery… it’s great to see such solidarity in these comments and restacks. Your spirit is phenomenal 🙌🏼
Your'e such a good writer and you're using your word-ly, world-ly powers for good. It's way past time the US joins the rest of the enlightened world and puts women in charge. For all the talk about inclusivity and melting pots and equality for all, ours is still a deeply racist and misogynist country. The winds of change are blowing. Finally. I we stick together, we can do this, people! We ARE the majority.
Thank you so much, and yes, it’s long overdue. We need to gather up all the people who have been disempowered and marginalized (the majority of us as you said) and fight back. That’s exactly what these old, white, conservative dudes are afraid of, and they should be. But truly, what has done more damage worldwide than the patriarchy and white supremacy?? If we did a Venn diagram there’d be quite an overlap there. Thank you for being here. I always love your comments 🤍🤍
Feeling every word of this. I’ve met those same men in smaller cities, tiny towns, everywhere. It’s a shitty club we all belong to, isn’t it? Thank you for this.
It really is a shitty club, but my god does it have the most incredible members. I am so relieved and grateful to have expressed all these things thinking maybe it was too much rage, only to find all of you here feeling the same way. I could cry. (I have cried). I am so happy to connect with you all in this powerful, amazing way. I believe in us. I really think we can make things better, even if it takes a lot of effort and a lot of fire. Fire does not seem to be in short supply. We aren’t little girls anymore. Fuck this. And thank you for being here 🤍🤍
I almost hate to admit this, but when I read essays like this one, I think back to various experiences I had where men did or said weird shit to me, and I just accepted it with a bashful smile and a head duck, and I'm just now really processing that I should have been able to say no or stop or leave me alone. I wasn't angry about it; I was embarrassed. I should have been angry, but no one taught me to take up space and not put up with that shit. I grew up with the thinking that if I pretended like it didn't happen or otherwise minimized it, then it wasn't that bad. That's so fucked up, and it makes me so mad. I wish I had had the courage to stand up for myself back then and call it out.
Such a great post. Thanks for this one. I agree with everyone else who says you need to keep talking about this!
Oh, Kate, I get that. I really hope you can let go of the idea that you “should” have been able to do anything differently. You did what we were all trained to do - accept this crap as somehow normal and figure out how to survive. We are taught from such a young age that the male gaze is meaningful and important and it means you’re pretty if a man pays you a compliment. It’s all intertwined and disempowering but as a kid it’s impossible to figure out what you’re dealing with. It’s all part of the same snake that is wrapped around our necks and shoved into our faces and pressed up against us on the subway, or sitting in a room somewhere calling us “honey” or telling us to smile on the street or making it clear that we’ve taken up too much space in a boardroom. It’s all the same beast. It’s just sometimes it lashes out and bites you and sometimes it means you don’t get a promotion. It looks different all the time, so how can you recognize it as the same thing? Anyway, I’m writing next week’s essay here in the comments again lol. But please don’t beat yourself up.
All. Of. This. I lived in NYC in my 20s and some man grinding into my was a regular occurrence. A man masterbating while staring at me on the bus, cat calls on the street. I am so over all of it. It needs to stop. I am finally at an age (52) when it doesn't happen nearly as often, and I am so grateful. But this behavior, this idea that men can just take from us, needs to stop now. Thank you for sharing your story, you are not alone.
It’s incredibly sad and enraging that every woman here is basically nodding because we all have our stories. And it does need to stop, but it’s such a systemic problem it’s one of those issues where we have to do all the things to fix it, not just one or two things. A man in my life, an older family member, sent me an email and said he wished he’d been there to beat the guy up on the subway, and I was kind of like thanks? But more male violence is not what we need and also, you cannot be everywhere at once and this is happening everywhere at once in different ways.
Every time we aren’t paid equally, every time we don’t feel safe walking down a street at night, every time some dude says what was she wearing, every time an entire political party questions the value of our existence based on whether we have children or not, and on and on and on.
And I think one of the main things is having more women in power, speaking on and advocating for issues that affect women and girls. But of course the system is set up so it’s twice as hard for women to gain that kind of power. I was watching Kamala Harris onstage in PA last night and thinking about how brilliant you have to be to get to that place where you are not just the first woman to be vice president, but you are also the first WOC. And all the crap she must have endured along the way, let alone all the sexist, racist crap we’re seeing now, out in the open. And getting so pissed that mediocre men have the balls to say things like she got to where she is on her knees, or that she’s dumb. The fucking gall and audacity. But she’s up there, anyway, getting it done. And she’s got that glow of “I’m fucking owning this and I’m doing this” and it brought me to tears. As it did hearing not just a strong, powerful woman talk about reproductive freedom for all of us, but also a man. Because really what we’re talking about is just being treated like a complete human being ffs. It’s not a lot to ask. Anyway, thank you for your comments. Thank you for being here. And gratitude to all of us for having had enough of this.
FFS indeed! We need a woman in power now more than ever. She brings tears to my eyes every time she speaks. I am so excited to vote for her, and her VP is an incredible example of a decent man. I have so much hope. I am grateful for your rage and inspiration. May it carry us to our first victory.
Thank you for speaking out! And I am so grateful more women are doing so as well.
I am still trying to wrap my head around how extremely pervasive the mistreatment and abuse of women is. Only recently did I really realize that it is “most men psychologically terrorize women.” (“All About Love” by bell hooks) Not some, not half but MOST. Zawn Villanes also writes about and recognizes abuse is the NORM in heterosexual relationships and most often the male is the perpetrator. I wish someone would have shared this vital information with me as a teenager! I certainly share it all with my 19 year old daughter.
I am never dating or getting married again. I don’t know one women who is married or has been in a relationship for more than 5 years that is treated as a full human being. 😢😢
It really is such a mess. And because these things happen so frequently and no one does anything I think the message for all parties is that it’s somehow accepted and something no one wants to talk about. And I know for myself I felt so much confusion and shame because there are all these mixed messages and inside the experience you often do feel complicit even though you are not - and shame keeps you quiet. We belong to a club where the members have been trained not to speak up.
As a grown woman with my own children I started to realize how totally not okay things are. Different perspective, more years on the planet, and a bird’s eye view into how defenseless you are as a child unless some protective adult can be with you when you’re out in the world. And none of us can be with our kids every minute even in the best of scenarios.
I also started to question so many things in heterosexual marriages. Not every woman in the U.S. takes the husband’s last name when she gets married, of course, but about 80% do. I’m writing about that (in part) next week, so I won’t go into it too much now but truly, the entire system needs an overhaul.
I really appreciate you being here, your thoughtful comments, and the chance to be in this incredible conversation with all of you. I can’t even put into words right now how much it means to me. Thank you 🤍
My goodness, does this essay ever ring true and familiar. Right down to the frustratingly blase attitude of older women around me. I remember when I first told my husband that I’ve never received as much attention from males as I did between the ages of 11 and 14. That’s disgusting, he said. Ask your sister, I said. She said the same thing.
I don’t think she ever had to get the police involved. I had to, twice. And yet, I consider myself supremely lucky, to have escaped my youth with few deep scars of that sort.
Honestly your comments made me cry with rage because it’s just so wrong, and look how many of us grew up dealing with this. I’m so glad we’re talking about it now, though. It’s long overdue. And I feel so grateful to be meeting so many of you when we can talk to one another as grown women, lament for our younger selves, and try to make the world better now. Thank you for being here 🤍
´Learn to deal with it.’ In a nutshell, that’s what we’re so often taught. Lots I relate to here. Glad you are taking a different tack with your daughter.
I’d breathe fire for her, but I’d breathe fire for any of us.“Learn to deal with it” is so much less than we deserve. Not much we can do about what’s already happened, but we can definitely do everything possible to burn this system down. Thanks so much for being here, Wendy 🤍
GD this was powerful and raw and real! The "is my mother mad at me?" and also for me, "is my FATHER mad at me?" Why is everyone mad at me? And the apology is do or say to me/with me/at me what you will. Every scenario you described pulling us deeper into somehow feeling responsible for abhorrent behavior. Because I have raised my girls alone, I have been able to speak truth to power with no gaslighting or protections for really awful behavior and situations. Thank you for this incredible plea.
I’m glad this spoke to you, Stephanie. And yeah, it’s tough to wrangle all these different feelings growing up with the messages we all hear in one way or another. I’ve also found some healing and relief in raising my own children differently and calling things out. I wish we’d come further “out there” but that definitely helps. Thanks for your wonderful comments, I’m happy you’re here 🤍
This brought me back instantly to 4th grade and the grown man who used to call our apartment every day right after I’d arrived home and locked the door behind me. I had a single, working mom, and he obviously knew I was alone at that time. He’d ask me dirty, inappropriate questions, and I never knew whether it was worse to answer or to hang up on him because I was a good Catholic girl. I thought it would be RUDE to hang up. I still carry some of that acquiescence in me. This essay is so powerful, and our shared experiences as girls and women are so fucked up. Thank you for bringing them into the light.
Oh Katrina, I really feel for you. That’s such a horrible thing to go through and I understand the struggle you still have fighting against acquiescence. I still struggle to hit publish. I want to say all these things but there is still some part of me that hesitates and I don’t think I’m alone in that. I’m getting through it, obviously (lol) but it’s still there. And I think in a way the fact that it’s there pisses me off so much, I hit publish just to spite it. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m sorry grown men prey on little girls. It’s not right and it’s too much for any of us to bear. Sending you so much love and hugs to the 4th grade you 🤍🤍
Sending all the love right back to you. XO
❤️❤️❤️
Jesus Ally.
You know the day I had, trying to hike without some man encroaching on my space and making me feel unsafe in a place we should all be able to find refuge— but this essay is a lifelong heartache. I hate it for you.
I’m so fucking sick of male predatory behavior and entitlement. It’s 3:30am, I’m still pissed about the asshole following me on the trail today, I’m pissed about all these men who thought they could treat you like this, and feeling such rage for us all.
Thank you for writing raw truth. And I’m sorry. For all of us.
I’m sorry, too, Kate, and I just restacked your essay which is raw and enraging and beautiful (in a raw and enraging way). I hate this for all of us. I hope we can change it. I know this kind of thing never changes overnight but we just have to start where we are, and maybe breathe fire together. That should do it, I think 🔥 Hugs and love, friend. Stay safe 🤍
Dragon sisters. I like it. 💙
Oh this brought back memories of being a teenager in Tehran and finally getting permission to ride the bus with my friends, only to have grown ass nasty men rub themselves against us. We learned pretty quickly to jam elbows in their ribs and stomp on their feet, and on one memorable occasion a friend of mine bashed a man on the head with her school binder while screaming at him. I truly hope we can change things for your daughter's generation.
It’s wild how this is a worldwide reality, but not surprising. And I have to say. I am holding the image of your friend bashing that guy over the head and stomping on his feet in my heart. We all deserve so much better than this, and I guess we are going to have to fight tooth and nail to get there, but look at this crew showing up just here! I think we are all so done accepting it as “the way things are.” Thank you so much for your comments and for being here. It means the world to me 🤍
This made me call into question a lot of assumptions and proclivities I picked up as a young man; unlearning and dispensing with this ugly part of culture that normalizes this is part of my hope—especially regarding my younger sisters, nieces, and the other women in my life. Thank you, as always, for your honesty in these essays.
I so appreciate that you are listening and open because I imagine it probably is uncomfortable to read this as a man, but I also think boys are growing up with the same messaging, so it’s the system that’s problematic, not the people. And there are so many places where the system is failing anyone who is not a straight white man. It’s disgusting and I’m so over it, but the only way to fix it (in my estimation) is to blow the lid off this stuff and talk openly. Thank you so much for being here. Sending you lots of love 🤍
Ugh. "Is a grown ass man pressing his dick into my back at rush hour" is my least favorite NYC guessing game. 0/10.
My other least favorite game: Find a bodega because I am being followed very closely and if I turn around I may not make it home. There was one night the guy was SO close I could feel his breath hitting my neck and I just walked faster, because I knew the bodega where I bought my cigarettes was at the end of the block, and those guys knew me. I ran in, said THIS DUDE IS FOLLOWING ME (very loudly) and they let me hide out in the back so I could call my husband to meet me and walk me the rest of the way home.
I just shake my head and feel such a surge of rage because it’s not okay. This should not be the way things are and none of us should feel unsafe as part of our daily lives. Most of us have to take public transportation from time to time, or walk on a street alone. That shouldn’t be a problem. I’m glad we’re all talking about it. I have no intention of stopping. And as much as I hate the crap we’re still dealing with, there aren’t people anywhere I’d rather be in conversation with than all of you. Thank you for being here 🤍🤍🤍
I read this last night and I was so pissed off about your experiences, our collective experiences, my mother's messages to me about such things (either shrug off or ACCEPT AS A COMPLIMENT) that I opted to not comment until today. This morning I feel good that your daughter is far less likely to have to flee someone in the night, but if she does, you will not allow her to believe that it's something she should accept as part of a being in a relationship. This is progress. Despite right wing desires to treat women like property (aka replaceable holes), you are ensuring progress. For this, I smile.
Thank you so much, Eileen. I didn’t even dig into the whole “be a good girl, be polite, hug people when they ask to be hugged, learn to override your intuition” messaging so many of us dealt with. I may have to keep writing in this vein for a while because every week these fuckers in the GOP give us more to be furious about. But I have to say, the comments here just give me life and hope and the right kind of fire and I love you all for it. Truly. Sending you love and hugs (if you want them lol)
I’ll take all the hugs! And by all means, write about all the fuckery… it’s great to see such solidarity in these comments and restacks. Your spirit is phenomenal 🙌🏼
Thank you, Eileen. I hope you had a wonderful birthday ❤️
Your'e such a good writer and you're using your word-ly, world-ly powers for good. It's way past time the US joins the rest of the enlightened world and puts women in charge. For all the talk about inclusivity and melting pots and equality for all, ours is still a deeply racist and misogynist country. The winds of change are blowing. Finally. I we stick together, we can do this, people! We ARE the majority.
Thank you so much, and yes, it’s long overdue. We need to gather up all the people who have been disempowered and marginalized (the majority of us as you said) and fight back. That’s exactly what these old, white, conservative dudes are afraid of, and they should be. But truly, what has done more damage worldwide than the patriarchy and white supremacy?? If we did a Venn diagram there’d be quite an overlap there. Thank you for being here. I always love your comments 🤍🤍
so true!
We collectively share so many of the same stories, us women. I see you. I see us. It's time.
Made me tear up. Feels like we’re all seeing each other. And it is time. Thank you for being here ❤️
I had a visceral reaction to all of this.
Solidarity ❤️
Solidarity back to you. I hate that you can offer it, but I appreciate it. And I hope we torch this club to the ground. Thank you for being here ❤️
sameee same
❤️❤️❤️hugs
Feeling every word of this. I’ve met those same men in smaller cities, tiny towns, everywhere. It’s a shitty club we all belong to, isn’t it? Thank you for this.
It really is a shitty club, but my god does it have the most incredible members. I am so relieved and grateful to have expressed all these things thinking maybe it was too much rage, only to find all of you here feeling the same way. I could cry. (I have cried). I am so happy to connect with you all in this powerful, amazing way. I believe in us. I really think we can make things better, even if it takes a lot of effort and a lot of fire. Fire does not seem to be in short supply. We aren’t little girls anymore. Fuck this. And thank you for being here 🤍🤍
This: ‘We aren’t little girls anymore. Fuck this.’ YES.
I almost hate to admit this, but when I read essays like this one, I think back to various experiences I had where men did or said weird shit to me, and I just accepted it with a bashful smile and a head duck, and I'm just now really processing that I should have been able to say no or stop or leave me alone. I wasn't angry about it; I was embarrassed. I should have been angry, but no one taught me to take up space and not put up with that shit. I grew up with the thinking that if I pretended like it didn't happen or otherwise minimized it, then it wasn't that bad. That's so fucked up, and it makes me so mad. I wish I had had the courage to stand up for myself back then and call it out.
Such a great post. Thanks for this one. I agree with everyone else who says you need to keep talking about this!
Oh, Kate, I get that. I really hope you can let go of the idea that you “should” have been able to do anything differently. You did what we were all trained to do - accept this crap as somehow normal and figure out how to survive. We are taught from such a young age that the male gaze is meaningful and important and it means you’re pretty if a man pays you a compliment. It’s all intertwined and disempowering but as a kid it’s impossible to figure out what you’re dealing with. It’s all part of the same snake that is wrapped around our necks and shoved into our faces and pressed up against us on the subway, or sitting in a room somewhere calling us “honey” or telling us to smile on the street or making it clear that we’ve taken up too much space in a boardroom. It’s all the same beast. It’s just sometimes it lashes out and bites you and sometimes it means you don’t get a promotion. It looks different all the time, so how can you recognize it as the same thing? Anyway, I’m writing next week’s essay here in the comments again lol. But please don’t beat yourself up.
All. Of. This. I lived in NYC in my 20s and some man grinding into my was a regular occurrence. A man masterbating while staring at me on the bus, cat calls on the street. I am so over all of it. It needs to stop. I am finally at an age (52) when it doesn't happen nearly as often, and I am so grateful. But this behavior, this idea that men can just take from us, needs to stop now. Thank you for sharing your story, you are not alone.
It’s incredibly sad and enraging that every woman here is basically nodding because we all have our stories. And it does need to stop, but it’s such a systemic problem it’s one of those issues where we have to do all the things to fix it, not just one or two things. A man in my life, an older family member, sent me an email and said he wished he’d been there to beat the guy up on the subway, and I was kind of like thanks? But more male violence is not what we need and also, you cannot be everywhere at once and this is happening everywhere at once in different ways.
Every time we aren’t paid equally, every time we don’t feel safe walking down a street at night, every time some dude says what was she wearing, every time an entire political party questions the value of our existence based on whether we have children or not, and on and on and on.
And I think one of the main things is having more women in power, speaking on and advocating for issues that affect women and girls. But of course the system is set up so it’s twice as hard for women to gain that kind of power. I was watching Kamala Harris onstage in PA last night and thinking about how brilliant you have to be to get to that place where you are not just the first woman to be vice president, but you are also the first WOC. And all the crap she must have endured along the way, let alone all the sexist, racist crap we’re seeing now, out in the open. And getting so pissed that mediocre men have the balls to say things like she got to where she is on her knees, or that she’s dumb. The fucking gall and audacity. But she’s up there, anyway, getting it done. And she’s got that glow of “I’m fucking owning this and I’m doing this” and it brought me to tears. As it did hearing not just a strong, powerful woman talk about reproductive freedom for all of us, but also a man. Because really what we’re talking about is just being treated like a complete human being ffs. It’s not a lot to ask. Anyway, thank you for your comments. Thank you for being here. And gratitude to all of us for having had enough of this.
FFS indeed! We need a woman in power now more than ever. She brings tears to my eyes every time she speaks. I am so excited to vote for her, and her VP is an incredible example of a decent man. I have so much hope. I am grateful for your rage and inspiration. May it carry us to our first victory.
🔥🔥🔥LFG!!!
Thank you for speaking out! And I am so grateful more women are doing so as well.
I am still trying to wrap my head around how extremely pervasive the mistreatment and abuse of women is. Only recently did I really realize that it is “most men psychologically terrorize women.” (“All About Love” by bell hooks) Not some, not half but MOST. Zawn Villanes also writes about and recognizes abuse is the NORM in heterosexual relationships and most often the male is the perpetrator. I wish someone would have shared this vital information with me as a teenager! I certainly share it all with my 19 year old daughter.
I am never dating or getting married again. I don’t know one women who is married or has been in a relationship for more than 5 years that is treated as a full human being. 😢😢
It really is such a mess. And because these things happen so frequently and no one does anything I think the message for all parties is that it’s somehow accepted and something no one wants to talk about. And I know for myself I felt so much confusion and shame because there are all these mixed messages and inside the experience you often do feel complicit even though you are not - and shame keeps you quiet. We belong to a club where the members have been trained not to speak up.
As a grown woman with my own children I started to realize how totally not okay things are. Different perspective, more years on the planet, and a bird’s eye view into how defenseless you are as a child unless some protective adult can be with you when you’re out in the world. And none of us can be with our kids every minute even in the best of scenarios.
I also started to question so many things in heterosexual marriages. Not every woman in the U.S. takes the husband’s last name when she gets married, of course, but about 80% do. I’m writing about that (in part) next week, so I won’t go into it too much now but truly, the entire system needs an overhaul.
I really appreciate you being here, your thoughtful comments, and the chance to be in this incredible conversation with all of you. I can’t even put into words right now how much it means to me. Thank you 🤍
My goodness, does this essay ever ring true and familiar. Right down to the frustratingly blase attitude of older women around me. I remember when I first told my husband that I’ve never received as much attention from males as I did between the ages of 11 and 14. That’s disgusting, he said. Ask your sister, I said. She said the same thing.
I don’t think she ever had to get the police involved. I had to, twice. And yet, I consider myself supremely lucky, to have escaped my youth with few deep scars of that sort.
Honestly your comments made me cry with rage because it’s just so wrong, and look how many of us grew up dealing with this. I’m so glad we’re talking about it now, though. It’s long overdue. And I feel so grateful to be meeting so many of you when we can talk to one another as grown women, lament for our younger selves, and try to make the world better now. Thank you for being here 🤍
Thank you for this.
Thank you for being here 🤍
´Learn to deal with it.’ In a nutshell, that’s what we’re so often taught. Lots I relate to here. Glad you are taking a different tack with your daughter.
I’d breathe fire for her, but I’d breathe fire for any of us.“Learn to deal with it” is so much less than we deserve. Not much we can do about what’s already happened, but we can definitely do everything possible to burn this system down. Thanks so much for being here, Wendy 🤍
GD this was powerful and raw and real! The "is my mother mad at me?" and also for me, "is my FATHER mad at me?" Why is everyone mad at me? And the apology is do or say to me/with me/at me what you will. Every scenario you described pulling us deeper into somehow feeling responsible for abhorrent behavior. Because I have raised my girls alone, I have been able to speak truth to power with no gaslighting or protections for really awful behavior and situations. Thank you for this incredible plea.
I’m glad this spoke to you, Stephanie. And yeah, it’s tough to wrangle all these different feelings growing up with the messages we all hear in one way or another. I’ve also found some healing and relief in raising my own children differently and calling things out. I wish we’d come further “out there” but that definitely helps. Thanks for your wonderful comments, I’m happy you’re here 🤍