I’ve been sitting on the couch in my den for over an hour feeling like I need to start writing, but knowing I’m not ready - or I wasn’t until ten seconds ago.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Ally. A true gift. I think you're right and we should talk more about death, as it's part of life (and many cultures treat it that way). My mother died alone in hospice, estranged from all her six living children, and I can't yet regret my decision not to hold her hand. Me ex's mom, on the other hand (to whom I was very close) had her three daughters with her who washed her body when she passed (I think it's called 'last rites'?). She had an open casket (also not a fan, but again -- very helpful to some) and her service was held in a very conservative church. And, oh, the many, many fotos projected on a large screen throughout the ceremony, they did me in. She lived in an ultra-conservative town in a very red state and had only reluctantly accepted her daughter's girlfriend and her small child before whole-heartedly embracing us as family. And here were our pictures at her funeral: loving, happy, and proud. It still blows my mind.
I love this story so much, Helia. I’m sorry about your own mom, it sounds like there’s a story there. You don’t end up with all six of your children estranged from you for no reason. But your ex’s mom, that’s just beautiful. It’s amazing what happens when people just allow themselves to love. Life feels so much better that way. Hugs and love to you my friend ❤️🩹
Back in the day folks’d have their loved one in the parlor for a week so everyone could come say goodbye. But then the funeral industry removed us from the ache and the beauty (fucking capitalism), and taught us to fear death. But what feels real to me is the liminal space our beloveds occupy now. They’re not just here or in NYC, but everywhere. With us. All the time, if you’re paying attention, and I know you are. Hugs, friend. This is beautiful. xo
It’s true, I do feel my mom with me all the time, and I’ve always felt my Nanny. It’s not the same as getting to hear someone’s voice or give them a hug, but it’s pretty amazing. And sometimes things happen that are hard to explain any other way except you have a loved one sending you some love from wherever they are. Huge hugs and love to you 🤍🤍🤍
You will be glad you wrote about this because one day the details will not be there and also one day it may not be as hard to read. My FB memories the past 2 weeks are the posts about my Mom contracting Covid in 2020. We are still 4 days from Death day. I don’t share them anymore. I just look at them, feel the feels and carry on. My husband and I are being cremated as was my brother and my mother. We talk about death all the time because we have reached an age where many of our friends are dying. I’m going to overshare but sometimes I feel happy for some we have lost because they don’t have to live through what our country has become. Hope I live long enough to see accountability and justice.
I am so very sorry about your mom, Mary. I think it’s so good to have those conversations and to be open about your feelings and thoughts and to make your wishes known. My mother would not have those conversations, even in the months before her death. No will, very little direction about anything. It makes it so hard for the people who are left behind. Hugs to you, and lots of love ❤️🩹
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability, wit, wisdom, pain, courage, and strength with all of us. Sending you admiration, condolences, love, and hugs...or whatever's appropriate from someone you've never met.
Thanks for sharing this, Ally. I'm sorry for your loss. I relate to so much of what you went through in your mother's last hours. I was in the room with my father (and stepmother) when he passed last month. I was glad to be there—after a 24-hour trip to get there in time—but I haven't processed it all yet. I did realize the other day, "oh right, it's traumatic to be with someone when they die. It's traumatic to see someone you love no longer breathing." This was the first time I'd thought of it in those terms, and I was devastated for the little girl inside me. So your words have come along at just the right time for me, although I'm sorry you have to write them at all. Much love and peace to you, Ally.
It really is one of the most intense experiences and something we just do not talk about enough in our culture. I think it’s why so many of us end up feeling shocked, and I feel sure it’s at least partly why I was unprepared in the aftermath. Some of the images still haunt me, some of the things that happened make me feel so sad and confused even when I think about them now. I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you’ll be gentle with yourself as you grieve. I’ve done all right with that part. Please message me anytime if you want to. Hugs and love.
Thank you for sharing this, Ally. Seeing you making sense of death and your feelings helps me make sense of my own newly revealed and unexplored inner landscape.
You have shared with tenderness your experience of your dear Aunt Louise. All of us face our own mortality. You have brought joy with the black and white cookies and special photo and laughter with the tea 🍵 cups and of course your love ❤️of family. Your love is a reflection of you.. and Rufus to welcome you home and not leave you alone. 💜🙏 Take care of you!
Beautiful and so sad Ally. ❤️. It’s always so sad to lose them. And all the connections they were to our childhoods. A poem on death by Andrea Gibson was released by her partner today. I think you will love it. Hugs across the ocean 🫂🫂🫂
I read the poem and also saw a video of them reading it and bawled my eyes out. My aunt passed away the same day and I thought that is just one too many of the kindest most loving people to go in one day, and I have no doubt there were more. It’s the way of things. Not easy for those of us left behind but I am okay. Being with family helped a lot ❤️🩹❤️🩹 Much love to you, Cathy xxx
I feel like many of the really good kind loving people have gone home so that they can hold us in light through these really dark times. 🤷♀️. Helps me to think that. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Ally. A true gift. I think you're right and we should talk more about death, as it's part of life (and many cultures treat it that way). My mother died alone in hospice, estranged from all her six living children, and I can't yet regret my decision not to hold her hand. Me ex's mom, on the other hand (to whom I was very close) had her three daughters with her who washed her body when she passed (I think it's called 'last rites'?). She had an open casket (also not a fan, but again -- very helpful to some) and her service was held in a very conservative church. And, oh, the many, many fotos projected on a large screen throughout the ceremony, they did me in. She lived in an ultra-conservative town in a very red state and had only reluctantly accepted her daughter's girlfriend and her small child before whole-heartedly embracing us as family. And here were our pictures at her funeral: loving, happy, and proud. It still blows my mind.
I love this story so much, Helia. I’m sorry about your own mom, it sounds like there’s a story there. You don’t end up with all six of your children estranged from you for no reason. But your ex’s mom, that’s just beautiful. It’s amazing what happens when people just allow themselves to love. Life feels so much better that way. Hugs and love to you my friend ❤️🩹
You all have been on my heart and in my thoughts all week. So much love, Ally.
Thanks so much, Kara. I’m doing all right ❤️🩹
Often there aren’t the words… so, as you share your tender heart, I just want to reach through the distance and give you a hug, Ally. ❤️
Thank you, Steve, I appreciate it and gratefully accept.
Hi Ally, thanks for sharing such a lovely piece. Sending you lots of love. Hope you and your family are well ❤️
Love love love.
🤍🤍🤍
Back in the day folks’d have their loved one in the parlor for a week so everyone could come say goodbye. But then the funeral industry removed us from the ache and the beauty (fucking capitalism), and taught us to fear death. But what feels real to me is the liminal space our beloveds occupy now. They’re not just here or in NYC, but everywhere. With us. All the time, if you’re paying attention, and I know you are. Hugs, friend. This is beautiful. xo
It’s true, I do feel my mom with me all the time, and I’ve always felt my Nanny. It’s not the same as getting to hear someone’s voice or give them a hug, but it’s pretty amazing. And sometimes things happen that are hard to explain any other way except you have a loved one sending you some love from wherever they are. Huge hugs and love to you 🤍🤍🤍
You will be glad you wrote about this because one day the details will not be there and also one day it may not be as hard to read. My FB memories the past 2 weeks are the posts about my Mom contracting Covid in 2020. We are still 4 days from Death day. I don’t share them anymore. I just look at them, feel the feels and carry on. My husband and I are being cremated as was my brother and my mother. We talk about death all the time because we have reached an age where many of our friends are dying. I’m going to overshare but sometimes I feel happy for some we have lost because they don’t have to live through what our country has become. Hope I live long enough to see accountability and justice.
I am so very sorry about your mom, Mary. I think it’s so good to have those conversations and to be open about your feelings and thoughts and to make your wishes known. My mother would not have those conversations, even in the months before her death. No will, very little direction about anything. It makes it so hard for the people who are left behind. Hugs to you, and lots of love ❤️🩹
Thank you. By the way I had an Aunt Louise too. Hugs.
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability, wit, wisdom, pain, courage, and strength with all of us. Sending you admiration, condolences, love, and hugs...or whatever's appropriate from someone you've never met.
I will gratefully accept all of the above, Sharon. We do not stand on ceremony around here☺️I appreciate your kindness very much ❤️🩹🙏🏼
Thanks for sharing this, Ally. I'm sorry for your loss. I relate to so much of what you went through in your mother's last hours. I was in the room with my father (and stepmother) when he passed last month. I was glad to be there—after a 24-hour trip to get there in time—but I haven't processed it all yet. I did realize the other day, "oh right, it's traumatic to be with someone when they die. It's traumatic to see someone you love no longer breathing." This was the first time I'd thought of it in those terms, and I was devastated for the little girl inside me. So your words have come along at just the right time for me, although I'm sorry you have to write them at all. Much love and peace to you, Ally.
It really is one of the most intense experiences and something we just do not talk about enough in our culture. I think it’s why so many of us end up feeling shocked, and I feel sure it’s at least partly why I was unprepared in the aftermath. Some of the images still haunt me, some of the things that happened make me feel so sad and confused even when I think about them now. I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you’ll be gentle with yourself as you grieve. I’ve done all right with that part. Please message me anytime if you want to. Hugs and love.
Thank you for sharing this, Ally. Seeing you making sense of death and your feelings helps me make sense of my own newly revealed and unexplored inner landscape.
Such a beautiful thing to say. Thank you, Steve. I’m grateful you’re here.
You have shared with tenderness your experience of your dear Aunt Louise. All of us face our own mortality. You have brought joy with the black and white cookies and special photo and laughter with the tea 🍵 cups and of course your love ❤️of family. Your love is a reflection of you.. and Rufus to welcome you home and not leave you alone. 💜🙏 Take care of you!
Thank you so much, Lynn. I appreciate you and your kindness ❤️🩹🙏🏼🥰
Beautiful and so sad Ally. ❤️. It’s always so sad to lose them. And all the connections they were to our childhoods. A poem on death by Andrea Gibson was released by her partner today. I think you will love it. Hugs across the ocean 🫂🫂🫂
I read the poem and also saw a video of them reading it and bawled my eyes out. My aunt passed away the same day and I thought that is just one too many of the kindest most loving people to go in one day, and I have no doubt there were more. It’s the way of things. Not easy for those of us left behind but I am okay. Being with family helped a lot ❤️🩹❤️🩹 Much love to you, Cathy xxx
I feel like many of the really good kind loving people have gone home so that they can hold us in light through these really dark times. 🤷♀️. Helps me to think that. ❤️❤️❤️
That does help ☺️
🫂
❤️🩹🙏🏼
Very lovely. Thinking of you and your family
Thanks so much, Mike. Very kind of you. It helped a lot to be with family. Thank you for being here.