"My son asked me what I did today and I told him I saved democracy in a Facebook thread and we both made the same kind of weird laugh-grimace at the same time."
You're very much loved by strangers, Ally, who adore your wise words and your bafflement. Life is Change, as the late, great Octavia Butler said, but remembering that CHANGE is hard for everyone makes us feel less alone. Thanks for your posts.
This is beautiful and achy Ally. I love how you aren’t afraid to hold several conflicting emotions at once, knowing nothing is ever all one thing or another.
I feel a wisdom from you that’s hard earned and also innate. It’s really great. 🤍
I was thinking as I was writing this that I also have “crosswalk moments” with other writers - times when I read something and feel seen. It’s one of the reasons I love your work, and why your comments mean so much to me. Thank you 🤍🤍
I'm sorry you struggled to write and my heart sank a little to hear you wrote this through tears.
I understand you, I mean the part where you say you want to write something hopeful and helpful. And you do, you always do and you also did it here!
I have a story for you.
A few years ago I met an older man at the bus stop in my area and if I remember right I was either drunk or was going to buy alcohol. I knew it back then I'm either already alcoholic or not far from being one. Still a part in me recognised his loneliness and as talked for a bit.
Then I saw him again a few weeks later, same bus stop and during the conversation I pointed at a dead bird, I think it was a sparrow and he took it into his old handkerchief and took it across the road to the bushes and said something like "that's more appropriate for it to find its final rest in the grass between bushes". I often pondered how exactly did he come to deciding this is what must be done.
I met him 2 days ago, his dog Julie wasn't with him and he told me she died, but he doesn't remember when as it's been strange for him to exist without her. He couldn't even tell me if it was 2023 or this year.
And then he said "I'm like fallen from the stars. No one comes to visit."
He didn't seem depressed, it sounded just matter of factly. But there was pain. It reminded me of an article that said almost all life ends in pain.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, I think it's just acknowledgement of what you hinted at, meeting a stranger and then somehow sensing it was slightly different meeting then it usually is, almost a glitch.
I wish your son all the best on his next part of the journey and as I ocassionally wonder how my own daughter will grow and how much pain and worry, but also joy and excitement is in my future because of her. I admire the way you are there for them, and through your essays for us.
First, I’m sorry your heart sank even for a moment, and I appreciate what a kind and empathetic person you are. I was only writing through tears in the paragraph about my son, and maybe again a little at the end, but it’s fine. Tears don’t bother me, and around here my kids are used to it, they laugh at me. I mean, they don’t laugh in a mean way, I think they kind of like that I tear up easily, but they do laugh. I used to get choked up reading stories to them at night if the story was touching and they’d look at me like, really? So this isn’t new, it’s just a little extra lately ;)
I love the story you shared about your bus stop friend. He sounds like a kind soul and I love that he moved the bird out of the road. I also think we all deserve to die with some kind of dignity and care, even if it’s only our bodies left behind. Even if we’re *only* birds. I’m sad that his Julie died. He sounds untethered :(
And I’m glad that you talk to him when you see him.
I hope it isn’t the case that all life ends in pain. I hope that some people are lucky enough to be surrounded by love and ready to go when the time comes. But there’s no doubt that pain is part of life and so is loneliness sometimes and so is every other feeling under the sun.
Anyway, I am sending you and your daughter lots of love. She’s lucky to have such a kind-hearted dad. Thanks for your comments, and thanks for being here 🤍
Sometimes (a lot of times) I read your posts, and I'm like, get out of my head! The part about struggling to write when you have all these other thoughts and emotions weighing on you was so thoroughly and beautifully described. I have been feeling that way for a long time, and reading this made feel a little bit glad that someone else gets it. There's all this internal mayhem, and then there's the mayhem happening all across the world, and it's enough to make me wish for a universal mute or pause button. I try to tell myself that everything is temporary, that it's not all bad, but I see that you know that already. You are that woman in the street for me with this post! Such a wonderful glimmer of hope!
Omg Kate. “You are that woman in the street for me” just did me IN. I am so grateful this post made you feel seen and understood, you’re definitely not alone. And I’m sending you hugs across the interwebs. Thank you for your comments and for being here 🤍🤍
Well. Seems the struggle you've been experiencing about coming to the page paid off. What a beautiful, heartfelt, vulnerable essay. It's one of my favorites of the ones I've read so far. I fucking love your writing. You often say exactly what I think about people, relationships, and existence on this crazy orb we call Earth. Sending you love, Ally. Always be you. Your kids are lucky that you're their mom.
Nan! I read your comments after I packed lunch for my daughter and before I’ve had coffee and now I’m sitting here in my pajamas, crying! Thank you for this message, truly, it was like a huge hug and I appreciate it so much. 🤍🤍
I have gotten so much comfort from your postings recently so thank you for sharing! I find that even though I can’t relate to some of your experiences I always find SOMETHING that makes me feel less alone.
This👉🏼 “I wanted to create something solid, permanent, steady - something I could count on. I thought if I did everything right, then I’d end up in some scenario where love flowed freely and at a certain point I’d be able to relax…” was my whole life until it all came crashing down recently. I’m trying to learn to sit with, and find comfort in, myself in hopes that I can provide the SAFETY that I was really trying to find by “doing everything right”.
Hi Graham. First, I’m so grateful you’ve been finding comfort in the things I’ve been writing, that means the world to me, truly. And I’m so sorry you’re dealing with loss and upheaval. Sounds like you’re opening to it, which, as you know, is the only thing you really can do. I hope you’re being gentle with yourself and allowing all the feelings to move through you and just giving yourself some time to not know how you are exactly, or what it all means, or why it happened or what’s coming next, but just to kind of be in it, uncomfortable as it is, trusting that it will get better, because it will. I think that’s the only thing that works. I’m sending you a ton of love, friend 🤍🤍
"My son asked me what I did today and I told him I saved democracy in a Facebook thread and we both made the same kind of weird laugh-grimace at the same time."
You're very much loved by strangers, Ally, who adore your wise words and your bafflement. Life is Change, as the late, great Octavia Butler said, but remembering that CHANGE is hard for everyone makes us feel less alone. Thanks for your posts.
Your comments just made my day. I felt that right in my heart, thank you so much 🤍🤍
This is beautiful and achy Ally. I love how you aren’t afraid to hold several conflicting emotions at once, knowing nothing is ever all one thing or another.
I feel a wisdom from you that’s hard earned and also innate. It’s really great. 🤍
I was thinking as I was writing this that I also have “crosswalk moments” with other writers - times when I read something and feel seen. It’s one of the reasons I love your work, and why your comments mean so much to me. Thank you 🤍🤍
❤️
Hey Ally,
I'm sorry you struggled to write and my heart sank a little to hear you wrote this through tears.
I understand you, I mean the part where you say you want to write something hopeful and helpful. And you do, you always do and you also did it here!
I have a story for you.
A few years ago I met an older man at the bus stop in my area and if I remember right I was either drunk or was going to buy alcohol. I knew it back then I'm either already alcoholic or not far from being one. Still a part in me recognised his loneliness and as talked for a bit.
Then I saw him again a few weeks later, same bus stop and during the conversation I pointed at a dead bird, I think it was a sparrow and he took it into his old handkerchief and took it across the road to the bushes and said something like "that's more appropriate for it to find its final rest in the grass between bushes". I often pondered how exactly did he come to deciding this is what must be done.
I met him 2 days ago, his dog Julie wasn't with him and he told me she died, but he doesn't remember when as it's been strange for him to exist without her. He couldn't even tell me if it was 2023 or this year.
And then he said "I'm like fallen from the stars. No one comes to visit."
He didn't seem depressed, it sounded just matter of factly. But there was pain. It reminded me of an article that said almost all life ends in pain.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, I think it's just acknowledgement of what you hinted at, meeting a stranger and then somehow sensing it was slightly different meeting then it usually is, almost a glitch.
I wish your son all the best on his next part of the journey and as I ocassionally wonder how my own daughter will grow and how much pain and worry, but also joy and excitement is in my future because of her. I admire the way you are there for them, and through your essays for us.
I loved this essay very much. Thank you.
Namaste.
🙏
Hi Peter!
First, I’m sorry your heart sank even for a moment, and I appreciate what a kind and empathetic person you are. I was only writing through tears in the paragraph about my son, and maybe again a little at the end, but it’s fine. Tears don’t bother me, and around here my kids are used to it, they laugh at me. I mean, they don’t laugh in a mean way, I think they kind of like that I tear up easily, but they do laugh. I used to get choked up reading stories to them at night if the story was touching and they’d look at me like, really? So this isn’t new, it’s just a little extra lately ;)
I love the story you shared about your bus stop friend. He sounds like a kind soul and I love that he moved the bird out of the road. I also think we all deserve to die with some kind of dignity and care, even if it’s only our bodies left behind. Even if we’re *only* birds. I’m sad that his Julie died. He sounds untethered :(
And I’m glad that you talk to him when you see him.
I hope it isn’t the case that all life ends in pain. I hope that some people are lucky enough to be surrounded by love and ready to go when the time comes. But there’s no doubt that pain is part of life and so is loneliness sometimes and so is every other feeling under the sun.
Anyway, I am sending you and your daughter lots of love. She’s lucky to have such a kind-hearted dad. Thanks for your comments, and thanks for being here 🤍
Sometimes (a lot of times) I read your posts, and I'm like, get out of my head! The part about struggling to write when you have all these other thoughts and emotions weighing on you was so thoroughly and beautifully described. I have been feeling that way for a long time, and reading this made feel a little bit glad that someone else gets it. There's all this internal mayhem, and then there's the mayhem happening all across the world, and it's enough to make me wish for a universal mute or pause button. I try to tell myself that everything is temporary, that it's not all bad, but I see that you know that already. You are that woman in the street for me with this post! Such a wonderful glimmer of hope!
Omg Kate. “You are that woman in the street for me” just did me IN. I am so grateful this post made you feel seen and understood, you’re definitely not alone. And I’m sending you hugs across the interwebs. Thank you for your comments and for being here 🤍🤍
Well. Seems the struggle you've been experiencing about coming to the page paid off. What a beautiful, heartfelt, vulnerable essay. It's one of my favorites of the ones I've read so far. I fucking love your writing. You often say exactly what I think about people, relationships, and existence on this crazy orb we call Earth. Sending you love, Ally. Always be you. Your kids are lucky that you're their mom.
Nan! I read your comments after I packed lunch for my daughter and before I’ve had coffee and now I’m sitting here in my pajamas, crying! Thank you for this message, truly, it was like a huge hug and I appreciate it so much. 🤍🤍
Love, love, love. Thanks for letting me know! Tears can be so good. Brings me back to my humility and gratitude when I cry like that.
I have gotten so much comfort from your postings recently so thank you for sharing! I find that even though I can’t relate to some of your experiences I always find SOMETHING that makes me feel less alone.
This👉🏼 “I wanted to create something solid, permanent, steady - something I could count on. I thought if I did everything right, then I’d end up in some scenario where love flowed freely and at a certain point I’d be able to relax…” was my whole life until it all came crashing down recently. I’m trying to learn to sit with, and find comfort in, myself in hopes that I can provide the SAFETY that I was really trying to find by “doing everything right”.
Hi Graham. First, I’m so grateful you’ve been finding comfort in the things I’ve been writing, that means the world to me, truly. And I’m so sorry you’re dealing with loss and upheaval. Sounds like you’re opening to it, which, as you know, is the only thing you really can do. I hope you’re being gentle with yourself and allowing all the feelings to move through you and just giving yourself some time to not know how you are exactly, or what it all means, or why it happened or what’s coming next, but just to kind of be in it, uncomfortable as it is, trusting that it will get better, because it will. I think that’s the only thing that works. I’m sending you a ton of love, friend 🤍🤍
What a tremendous, stunning piece. So glad to have found it.
Thank you so much, Rob. I’m glad you found it, too!