Once again you share highly relatable stories with lessons woven through. One of the benefits to getting older is learning how to deal with people and not take everything personally. I love that you show how you love people and where the line is between appreciating differences but also know where your boundary is (where you were before and where you are now). Relationships of any kind are hard (but as you say, not pushing the boulder up the hill hard-or they shouldn't be) and the close ones are even harder but I have come to realize it's not necessarily the other person's flaws that make it hard, it's more my own and I've learned to get out of my own way, or at least be aware that my feelings are being directed at the person instead of sorting them out for myself. So when I'm finding we are having these kinds of conversations where someone isn't feeling loved or heard it's often my own perspective that has changed, not the other person's (usually). 'Flavia' will never find the perfect teacher because there is none. People who chase the next thing that surely will make them happy are always just going to be running- they will never be content because their expectations are impossible (not to mention if you can't be happy in the present situation no matter what, no 'thing' will do it). So goes women who are always after the next diet or workout or the next anti aging regimen or injections or yikes, surgeries. I just had a close friend, my best friend, go through a procedure that promised it would take ten years off her and she ended up being rushed to the hospital by ambulance the evening after the procedure and her face now looks, and I quote her, "like a bloody Princess Fiona" was it worth the risk of heart failure? not to mention the $10 grande? she might say so, but what it isn't worth, in my opinion, is this feeling that you are willing to do things like this to feel like you are okay or presentable etc. If we are able to know ourselves, what we value about ourselves, we can know how many red flags (or yellow) we accept before we're just kidding ourselves and hopefully we know that we don't have to go under the knife in the name of youth and what we think is beautiful.
I’m so sorry about your friend and I hope she’s okay. And I so agree with everything you said. It’s very freeing when you don’t have to constantly make yourself the hero or victim of every story or other people the villain. Sometimes it’s just not a good fit, or it’s easy to see that someone behavior is driven by pain or fear and it isn’t personal. One of the best things about getting older is that it’s so much easier to spot these things quickly, and to say no thank you lol. Hugs and love to you 🤍🤍
Ahhh, that Maya Angelou quote! It's one of my favorites, probably because I repeat it to myself often, which, I don't know, might mean I need to meet some new people? Seriously though, I really felt that line about needing to feel like you matter to the other person. I have been dealing with that exact feeling with a family member, and we keep getting into these feuds because I expect too much from him. I'm at the point where I'm starting to think I actually do expect too much because he has shown me he has zero interest in reciprocating. It's so weird how we see/hear/feel a certain thing and try to convince ourselves that it's not real. Why do we do that? We are all worth so much more than what gives us.
It’s so hard with family members, believe me I get it. It took me years and years and lots of therapy and crying on my yoga mat to finally get to the point where I just realized I could keep trying to bargain with my mother about her alcoholism or accept that I had no control over it, I could only decide what I wanted to do about it/how much I was going to subject myself to it. It’s exhausting and heartbreaking to tell someone who ought to just love you that you need certain, seemingly obvious things only to be denied. I think when you grow up dealing with that kind of thing you subconsciously seek it out in other relationships because it feels like home. It took me a long time to get that, too, but thankfully stopped “going to the hardware store for apples” (that’s Alanon not me) eventually.
FLAAAHHHHHVVVVIIIIIIAAAAAHHHH. They're everywhere, aren't they? My narcissist red flags started flying madly at the beginning of this essay! I'm glad you see yourself clearly, to not give people like that any power. I loved reading this piece. Thanks Ally. xoxo
I don’t know why “Flavia” felt right, but it did, no offense to the lovely Flavias in the world lol. And yes, there are a lot of people in pain out there, and dang, sometimes they wreak HAVOC! I think it did bother me when I started teaching but after a while you just realize not all people are your people and that’s fine. You’re my people. I have good taste 🤍
Lovely!!! What a wonderful thing to say. Back at you my dear. There has been a lot of synchronicity here on the Stack this week. I’m writing a piece now about how I’m not for everyone and everyone’s not for me. And I saw a bunch of post about pups too. Funny, that! Big hugs to you Ally. xoxo!
Hey Ally, so the streak of brilliant essays continues and you're definitely are on my "beloved writers" list, I absolutely admire the way you write. I am actually reviewing my relationships and just observing who is who in relation to me and the direction I'm going. I also take relationships, especially friendships seriously and I loved how you said you look out for things they like and share them. I was flying back to UK today from Slovakia and I was thinking that you should be dropping new essay today and here it is. I know how much effort it is to write and I want to say thank you for doing it. I love your writing immensely. Namaste xx
See, now THAT’S a list I care about! I’m so touched that you know when my essays are coming, I don’t expect anyone to know that but me. And I appreciate it so much. Sending you love and hugs across the interwebs 🤍
Many years ago, I was dating an English guy (with the most beautiful accent) who was basically a walking parade of red flags, all of which I conveniently ignore. First time I met his mum, she told me he’s a sweet boy but incredibly irresponsible and my first thought was “what a terrible mother”. If I hadn’t been so stuck in the stories I was telling myself about him, I could have saved myself two years of irritation and a lot of money 😫
I love that his MUM was trying to save you. Bless her heart for real. And my god, don’t we all have those relationships in the rearview mirror? You look back and it’s like Red Flag Central. I think the thing is not to set up camp there! Lots of love and big hugs 🤍
Once again you share highly relatable stories with lessons woven through. One of the benefits to getting older is learning how to deal with people and not take everything personally. I love that you show how you love people and where the line is between appreciating differences but also know where your boundary is (where you were before and where you are now). Relationships of any kind are hard (but as you say, not pushing the boulder up the hill hard-or they shouldn't be) and the close ones are even harder but I have come to realize it's not necessarily the other person's flaws that make it hard, it's more my own and I've learned to get out of my own way, or at least be aware that my feelings are being directed at the person instead of sorting them out for myself. So when I'm finding we are having these kinds of conversations where someone isn't feeling loved or heard it's often my own perspective that has changed, not the other person's (usually). 'Flavia' will never find the perfect teacher because there is none. People who chase the next thing that surely will make them happy are always just going to be running- they will never be content because their expectations are impossible (not to mention if you can't be happy in the present situation no matter what, no 'thing' will do it). So goes women who are always after the next diet or workout or the next anti aging regimen or injections or yikes, surgeries. I just had a close friend, my best friend, go through a procedure that promised it would take ten years off her and she ended up being rushed to the hospital by ambulance the evening after the procedure and her face now looks, and I quote her, "like a bloody Princess Fiona" was it worth the risk of heart failure? not to mention the $10 grande? she might say so, but what it isn't worth, in my opinion, is this feeling that you are willing to do things like this to feel like you are okay or presentable etc. If we are able to know ourselves, what we value about ourselves, we can know how many red flags (or yellow) we accept before we're just kidding ourselves and hopefully we know that we don't have to go under the knife in the name of youth and what we think is beautiful.
I’m so sorry about your friend and I hope she’s okay. And I so agree with everything you said. It’s very freeing when you don’t have to constantly make yourself the hero or victim of every story or other people the villain. Sometimes it’s just not a good fit, or it’s easy to see that someone behavior is driven by pain or fear and it isn’t personal. One of the best things about getting older is that it’s so much easier to spot these things quickly, and to say no thank you lol. Hugs and love to you 🤍🤍
*someone’s 😬
Thank you Ally🙏
❤️❤️❤️ thank you for being here xx
Ahhh, that Maya Angelou quote! It's one of my favorites, probably because I repeat it to myself often, which, I don't know, might mean I need to meet some new people? Seriously though, I really felt that line about needing to feel like you matter to the other person. I have been dealing with that exact feeling with a family member, and we keep getting into these feuds because I expect too much from him. I'm at the point where I'm starting to think I actually do expect too much because he has shown me he has zero interest in reciprocating. It's so weird how we see/hear/feel a certain thing and try to convince ourselves that it's not real. Why do we do that? We are all worth so much more than what gives us.
It’s so hard with family members, believe me I get it. It took me years and years and lots of therapy and crying on my yoga mat to finally get to the point where I just realized I could keep trying to bargain with my mother about her alcoholism or accept that I had no control over it, I could only decide what I wanted to do about it/how much I was going to subject myself to it. It’s exhausting and heartbreaking to tell someone who ought to just love you that you need certain, seemingly obvious things only to be denied. I think when you grow up dealing with that kind of thing you subconsciously seek it out in other relationships because it feels like home. It took me a long time to get that, too, but thankfully stopped “going to the hardware store for apples” (that’s Alanon not me) eventually.
I’ve never heard that phrase re: the hardware store and apples, but it makes such a clear point. I’m going to remember that!
It’s so good, isn’t it? First time I heard it I was like, omg, that’s totally what I’ve been doing!
FLAAAHHHHHVVVVIIIIIIAAAAAHHHH. They're everywhere, aren't they? My narcissist red flags started flying madly at the beginning of this essay! I'm glad you see yourself clearly, to not give people like that any power. I loved reading this piece. Thanks Ally. xoxo
I don’t know why “Flavia” felt right, but it did, no offense to the lovely Flavias in the world lol. And yes, there are a lot of people in pain out there, and dang, sometimes they wreak HAVOC! I think it did bother me when I started teaching but after a while you just realize not all people are your people and that’s fine. You’re my people. I have good taste 🤍
Lovely!!! What a wonderful thing to say. Back at you my dear. There has been a lot of synchronicity here on the Stack this week. I’m writing a piece now about how I’m not for everyone and everyone’s not for me. And I saw a bunch of post about pups too. Funny, that! Big hugs to you Ally. xoxo!
Hey Ally, so the streak of brilliant essays continues and you're definitely are on my "beloved writers" list, I absolutely admire the way you write. I am actually reviewing my relationships and just observing who is who in relation to me and the direction I'm going. I also take relationships, especially friendships seriously and I loved how you said you look out for things they like and share them. I was flying back to UK today from Slovakia and I was thinking that you should be dropping new essay today and here it is. I know how much effort it is to write and I want to say thank you for doing it. I love your writing immensely. Namaste xx
See, now THAT’S a list I care about! I’m so touched that you know when my essays are coming, I don’t expect anyone to know that but me. And I appreciate it so much. Sending you love and hugs across the interwebs 🤍
Many years ago, I was dating an English guy (with the most beautiful accent) who was basically a walking parade of red flags, all of which I conveniently ignore. First time I met his mum, she told me he’s a sweet boy but incredibly irresponsible and my first thought was “what a terrible mother”. If I hadn’t been so stuck in the stories I was telling myself about him, I could have saved myself two years of irritation and a lot of money 😫
I love that his MUM was trying to save you. Bless her heart for real. And my god, don’t we all have those relationships in the rearview mirror? You look back and it’s like Red Flag Central. I think the thing is not to set up camp there! Lots of love and big hugs 🤍