What do you want?

What do you want?

It’s funny how many different ways you can ask that question.

For example, you could ask sotto voce, casually - the way you would with the phone in your ear, speaker twisted away from your mouth, if you weren’t sure what toppings your kid wanted on her pizza, or

you could ask tenderly, the way you’d ask your best friend over drinks, handing her your napkin as tears spill down her face because she doesn’t know what to do anymore.

You could be scared because someone won’t leave you alone, and ask in frustration or desperation - the way I did with a guy who followed me home in his car six miles from a yoga class I taught years ago. That was after he’d sent me emails and asked me out in person, after I’d said I was not interested, never had been - and he didn’t believe me. It was after the manager of the studio said she couldn’t do anything, and the cops also said they couldn’t intervene since he hadn’t crossed the line. I stood there in my driveway, no fight, no flight, just frozen - and yelled, “What do you want?!” - even though he was only five feet away.

Or you could ask yourself that question, and see what kind of havoc it wreaks on your life. The answers might surprise you, especially if you’re someone who doesn’t think that way very much.

I’ve been asking myself this question a lot the last several months, because I think it’s good for me. It’s not a question I contemplated very often as I was growing up, certainly not on any kind of regular basis, and it’s not a query that was thrown in my direction much, either. It was the seventies, we were feral, we were supposed to entertain ourselves. At dinner you ate what was on your plate. I can’t remember my mom or dad asking me what I wanted unless it was my birthday or Christmas, and even then, I was only allowed to want things they thought I should have.

I was reminded earlier today of my utter discomfort at seven, eight, nine, ten years old, when my dad would insist we walk by the nude beach on Fire Island in the summers. When I say “walk by” I mean we’d walk along the ocean’s edge, and pass the entire nude beach on our walk along the coast. My stepmom would take her bikini top off, not her bottoms. Even that felt scandalous to me, because my mother would never let me in her bedroom or bathroom unless she had a bra and panties on.

If my dad was nude for these walks, I have blocked that out or deleted it from the files - or was smart enough never to look in the first place. Thank you so much, small me. But there was a middle-aged man in a black newsboy cap and black socks and nothing else, and I will never be able to rid my brain of that image. It didn’t matter that I didn’t want to walk by the beach, my dad did not care. I learned to keep my head down and my eyes averted.

Bottom line, I don’t have an established, well-worn neural pathway for the what-do-you-want line of thinking, and I never have. This is not me telling you how selfless I am. I think it’s unhealthy to never stop and ask yourself what you want in your heart of hearts. I know a lot of women who stopped asking themselves that question when they had babies, because there wasn’t any time for that kind of thinking. Or any money for hobbies or childcare or a night out. Not thinking about what you want can become habitual.

Whatever the reasons you may not ask yourself that question, I think it’s an important one to contemplate every so often. It’s easy to get stuck in a routine, a job, a relationship, a way of being…and not even realize you are half-dead inside. We get a blink of time. It makes sense to be paying attention.

I don’t like New Year’s resolutions, I think they turn into a list of reasons to feel crappy about yourself in February. And I think generally, people do what they want to do. I know for sure no one makes changes until they’re absolutely ready, and that readiness usually arises out of a feeling that things cannot continue as they have been. A list pinned on your bathroom mirror isn’t going to do it unless you’ve decided change is the only option.

This would do, but I’d like a creek back there and a wraparound porch, please. Photo by Mack on Unsplash

I’ve been asking myself what I want because it’s time for me to make some decisions based on…I dunno….what I fucking want? And also what is good for me. If I told you how many decisions I’ve made in my life to make things easier for other people whilst making them harder on myself, we’d be here a long time. Aside from my kids, I can’t do that anymore. So I’ve had this question rattling around in my head, and I’ve been gearing up for some hard conversations. When people are used to you making things easier on them, and you know you’re about to change that up, but they do not - you can count on some big feelings heading your way. I don’t like to let people down, I hate hurting people, and I don’t like confrontation, but lots of things in life are hard. Letting yourself down is the hardest.

Today I decided to sit and write, and just let myself answer these questions:

If I could have anything I wanted, what would it be? How would life look? Where would I live, and how would I spend my time? There was no imaginary peanut gallery, gasping or pointing or telling me why my wants were ridiculous or crazy or likely to upset some people. Let me tell you, it was freeing and beautiful. There were things I didn’t expect.

Photo by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash

So that’s my New Year’s suggestion for you if you’d like one. Ask yourself what you want, and then let yourself answer. You don’t ever have to show anyone, and you don’t have to act on any of it. But maybe you’ll want to, and maybe you should act on some of it. You only get the one life, after all. I’m wishing you the happiest New Year. I hope it’s full of good surprises for all of us, and I hope you surprise yourself, too.

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If you’d like to meet me in real time to talk about why it can be hard to ask yourself what you want, and why it matters that you ask and answer the question, especially if it’s hard for you, I’ll be here 1/3/25 at 11:15am PST, or you can wait for the Come As You Are podcast version. This was one helluva year, and I am so grateful to have met up with you in the comments every week. It was life-giving and lifesaving, and I look forward to more of that as we head into this new year and whatever it may hold, together. Wishing you good health, laughter, hugs, and so much love. We’re gonna be okay because we have each other. Happy New Year xox