"What is it that YOU want?" I remember the first time I was asked that question by a therapist. It was a puzzle to me. I am always more concerned about how my decisions will affect others. Am I doing the 'right' thing? How will it be perceived? Confrontation makes me sick to my stomach so I try to avoid it at all cost. Sigh...
Hard relate! Literally had no concept of even thinking that way, which is kind of problematic to say the least. But it’s never too late, right? I feel like phase 1 is identifying what you want, phase 2 is wrestling with all the sticky, is it okay for me to do something “just” because I want to/need to/will make myself sick if I don’t feelings, and phase 3 is taking meaningful action. Sometimes you have to take action and deal with the uncomfortable feelings as you go. That’s where I am. It’s better than being stuck, but it isn’t pretty lol. It’s okay though, it doesn’t have to be pretty. Happy New Year, Debra. Sending you lots of love xx
Another brilliant essay that gets at the heart of what it means to be human in the world.
What do we want? Not being violently pursued by people we have no interest in seems like a given (what a terrifying story!). Not being violated/ coerced/ manhandled/ manipulated/ guilted into submission is another. All those are things we don’t want. But actively wanting positive things (a soulmate, living in harmony with nature, not taking more than we give, a self-cleaning pool that magically is always 75 degrees and doesn’t need chemicals) takes courage and a certain amount of hubris for women conditioned by the 21st century who are aware of the privilege of being considered persons at all. All this to say: we’ve got a long way to go to catch up to the whims of the (White) men who made the rules to begin with.
I mean, can’t someone figure out that pool for us, Helia? We’ve been to the moon, after all, you’d think the self-cleaning pool would be easy. And maybe an alternative to HRT for people who aren’t good candidates, doesn’t seem like a lot to ask! And yes, I do think so much of the struggle to put myself on my own radar has been programming. I was taught in every direction that my job was to help, to nurture, to be kind and caring. Anything less was selfish and bad. It is so ingrained, even now. I had to advocate for my daughter in kindergarten because she was tasked with keeping a boy at her table focused. Even he believed it was her job to look after him. She cried after school one day because she said she sometimes wanted to play with other kids, but this little boy followed her everywhere and she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and my brain exploded. Anyway, she is not confused about things, I’ve been like a lion on her behalf, but I am still working on it for myself 🤷🏻♀️
Happy New Year to all of us during these insane times. I am so grateful for you, and all the amazing people in the comments section! Best ever. Sending you so much love xx
Hi Ally, happy new year to you and your family! Sorry I'm a bit late.
I love this essay about wanting. On one hand I totally get it, though on other hand, in the song, probably my most favourite from them, The Cranberries Dolores sings "Ain't it strange when everything you wanted was nothing that you wanted".
I think every want is a path that also has its sacrifices which might not be clearly listed in the beginning.
But yeah, it totally want to focus on things I want, which inevitably requires me to get rid of the things I don't want.
There’s no doubt when you come to a fork in the road, you can only pick one path, and you’ll never know what the other one might have looked like. Just like - as you said - there’s no way to know whether your idea of what you want would lead to a result you’re going to love as much as you think you will.
For me, the main point is to ask yourself the question and then let yourself answer. What you do or don’t do with those answers isn’t as interesting to me as the act of answering, and knowing something about how you feel right now. How you feel about the way life is, how you’d like life to be, and what the distance is between the two. Also whether the obstacles you perceive are real, whether you’re “shoulding on yourself” and whether you want something you didn’t realize you wanted.
For example, I didn’t know that I’d like to have a house with a huge kitchen and French doors that open onto a big backyard with a great sound system so I could throw amazing parties once in a while. Who the fuck knew I wanted to throw amazing parties? Not me, that’s for sure. Or that I might not want to stay in California for the long haul. Also new information. There are some other things I won’t share, but suffice it to say you’ll never have what you want if you don’t even know you want it. And it isn’t about things or places or ever having a huge kitchen or great sound system, it’s really about figuring out what parts of yourself you’re feeding and what parts you might be starving. Maybe it isn’t about great parties, it’s about letting loose more or being social more or opening to a version of yourself you might not know very well.
I hope you and Anneke are off to a gentle beginning to this new year. Lots of love xo
I like this as an alternative to writing New Year's resolutions.
The place where I tend to end up after asking myself, and even after going for, what I want is whether this is actually what I wanted. Is it enough? What if the answer is no? Sometimes I wonder if I will ever really know the answer, and how many people am I going to annoy as I try to figure it out? Never/all of them, probably!
I guess it’s hard to know how something will feel until you get there. But I think the things I want are not so crazy or unrealistic or out of bounds. I mostly want to start making decisions based on what’s good for me without feeling like a terrible person as a result. That feels doable and reasonable even if it’s a bit painful along the way.
I’m glad you liked this, Kate, it definitely resonates more for me than resolutions. And I wish you a very happy new year even if everything is a bit insane 😬🥳 So happy and grateful you’re here 🤍
I never learned to think about what I wanted either. It took me until almost 50 to do that. And then it’s hard to not only know what the options are, but to figure out which of them brings you joy or peace or whatever. Understanding our body’s signals takes time when you have a lifetime of ignoring them because you don’t want to be disappointed or feel hurt, or to hurt others. Compassion for each of us on the journey of listening to ourselves and moving in new directions.
Yes to all of that. I think it’s why I was drawn to yoga, it really brought me into my body after years of pushing things down and cutting myself off from all that wisdom/all those feelings. But even when you know what you want, sometimes it’s giving yourself permission to take action on your own behalf. That part still takes Herculean effort for me. I can take action on my children’s behalf with ease and joy, and if they’re in trouble, nobody better get in my way lol. Same for all the close people in my life.
But to make decisions based on “just” what makes me happy is not only foreign, it feels selfish. I think a lot of women struggle with this. Like it’s okay for me to make decisions if my life is at stake, but not if it’s just because something different than what I thought, now feels like the thing I need if I want life to feel good. It’s okay for me to make decisions for myself as long as I’m not going to hurt anyone in the process. That kind of thing.
Still grappling with that shit, Holly! But this is the year. I’ve already taken some big steps, and just have to wrestle with the feelings that come up. I’m doing it. I can’t say it’s easy, but learning new things never is, right?
Anyway, thank you for being here. It’s so good to connect with y’all, this comments section is one of my favorite places to be! I wish you a very happy new year, and I’m sending you lots of love ❤️
It's crazy how it is easier to justify doing things for others than it is for ourselves. That programming about being selfish runs deep. I like to challenge myself to think about doing for myself as adding something positive to the world rather than taking something away. For example, if I feel selfish for taking the time to nap when I am exhausted I might get focused on the things that I didn't accomplish around my house. But if I look at it as what I added to the world, I am more engaged with the people around me for the rest of the day and feeling more positive and energetic. That makes caring for myself not seem quite as selfish.
And maybe it's just a mindgame. But getting past my own mental barriers is the most challenging part of making change for me.
Thanks for what you put out into the world. It makes the world a better place.
Thank you so much, Holly 🙏🏼❤️ And yes, the reframe helps! It’s the whole oxygen mask metaphor, you can’t give anything if you’re totally depleted. I hope the first couple of days of this new year have been gentle. Sending hugs and love xx
I relate so hard. My wiring is not set up for this kind of thinking, at all. It felt like forbidden fruit to just write what I want, it was freeing and fun and surprising. And it feels like a roadmap. I hope you have the same kind of experience.
I wish you a very happy new year, and I’m sending lots of love. Always here to cheerlead, listen, support and encourage. It’s always easier to travel with people who are dealing with the same terrain! We don’t have to have it all figured out, just have to keep moving forward, or sit and rest when needed. That’s my feeling. Hugs ❤️
"What is it that YOU want?" I remember the first time I was asked that question by a therapist. It was a puzzle to me. I am always more concerned about how my decisions will affect others. Am I doing the 'right' thing? How will it be perceived? Confrontation makes me sick to my stomach so I try to avoid it at all cost. Sigh...
Hard relate! Literally had no concept of even thinking that way, which is kind of problematic to say the least. But it’s never too late, right? I feel like phase 1 is identifying what you want, phase 2 is wrestling with all the sticky, is it okay for me to do something “just” because I want to/need to/will make myself sick if I don’t feelings, and phase 3 is taking meaningful action. Sometimes you have to take action and deal with the uncomfortable feelings as you go. That’s where I am. It’s better than being stuck, but it isn’t pretty lol. It’s okay though, it doesn’t have to be pretty. Happy New Year, Debra. Sending you lots of love xx
Another brilliant essay that gets at the heart of what it means to be human in the world.
What do we want? Not being violently pursued by people we have no interest in seems like a given (what a terrifying story!). Not being violated/ coerced/ manhandled/ manipulated/ guilted into submission is another. All those are things we don’t want. But actively wanting positive things (a soulmate, living in harmony with nature, not taking more than we give, a self-cleaning pool that magically is always 75 degrees and doesn’t need chemicals) takes courage and a certain amount of hubris for women conditioned by the 21st century who are aware of the privilege of being considered persons at all. All this to say: we’ve got a long way to go to catch up to the whims of the (White) men who made the rules to begin with.
Thank you for being here for it, Ally Hamilton.
I mean, can’t someone figure out that pool for us, Helia? We’ve been to the moon, after all, you’d think the self-cleaning pool would be easy. And maybe an alternative to HRT for people who aren’t good candidates, doesn’t seem like a lot to ask! And yes, I do think so much of the struggle to put myself on my own radar has been programming. I was taught in every direction that my job was to help, to nurture, to be kind and caring. Anything less was selfish and bad. It is so ingrained, even now. I had to advocate for my daughter in kindergarten because she was tasked with keeping a boy at her table focused. Even he believed it was her job to look after him. She cried after school one day because she said she sometimes wanted to play with other kids, but this little boy followed her everywhere and she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and my brain exploded. Anyway, she is not confused about things, I’ve been like a lion on her behalf, but I am still working on it for myself 🤷🏻♀️
Happy New Year to all of us during these insane times. I am so grateful for you, and all the amazing people in the comments section! Best ever. Sending you so much love xx
Yes, it's much easier to fight on behalf of those we care for than for ourselves. And I second that HRT comment! :-)
Hi Ally, happy new year to you and your family! Sorry I'm a bit late.
I love this essay about wanting. On one hand I totally get it, though on other hand, in the song, probably my most favourite from them, The Cranberries Dolores sings "Ain't it strange when everything you wanted was nothing that you wanted".
I think every want is a path that also has its sacrifices which might not be clearly listed in the beginning.
But yeah, it totally want to focus on things I want, which inevitably requires me to get rid of the things I don't want.
Thank you for prompting me to think about this.
As always, all the best to you and your family.
Namaste 🙏
There’s no doubt when you come to a fork in the road, you can only pick one path, and you’ll never know what the other one might have looked like. Just like - as you said - there’s no way to know whether your idea of what you want would lead to a result you’re going to love as much as you think you will.
For me, the main point is to ask yourself the question and then let yourself answer. What you do or don’t do with those answers isn’t as interesting to me as the act of answering, and knowing something about how you feel right now. How you feel about the way life is, how you’d like life to be, and what the distance is between the two. Also whether the obstacles you perceive are real, whether you’re “shoulding on yourself” and whether you want something you didn’t realize you wanted.
For example, I didn’t know that I’d like to have a house with a huge kitchen and French doors that open onto a big backyard with a great sound system so I could throw amazing parties once in a while. Who the fuck knew I wanted to throw amazing parties? Not me, that’s for sure. Or that I might not want to stay in California for the long haul. Also new information. There are some other things I won’t share, but suffice it to say you’ll never have what you want if you don’t even know you want it. And it isn’t about things or places or ever having a huge kitchen or great sound system, it’s really about figuring out what parts of yourself you’re feeding and what parts you might be starving. Maybe it isn’t about great parties, it’s about letting loose more or being social more or opening to a version of yourself you might not know very well.
I hope you and Anneke are off to a gentle beginning to this new year. Lots of love xo
I like this as an alternative to writing New Year's resolutions.
The place where I tend to end up after asking myself, and even after going for, what I want is whether this is actually what I wanted. Is it enough? What if the answer is no? Sometimes I wonder if I will ever really know the answer, and how many people am I going to annoy as I try to figure it out? Never/all of them, probably!
I guess it’s hard to know how something will feel until you get there. But I think the things I want are not so crazy or unrealistic or out of bounds. I mostly want to start making decisions based on what’s good for me without feeling like a terrible person as a result. That feels doable and reasonable even if it’s a bit painful along the way.
I’m glad you liked this, Kate, it definitely resonates more for me than resolutions. And I wish you a very happy new year even if everything is a bit insane 😬🥳 So happy and grateful you’re here 🤍
I never learned to think about what I wanted either. It took me until almost 50 to do that. And then it’s hard to not only know what the options are, but to figure out which of them brings you joy or peace or whatever. Understanding our body’s signals takes time when you have a lifetime of ignoring them because you don’t want to be disappointed or feel hurt, or to hurt others. Compassion for each of us on the journey of listening to ourselves and moving in new directions.
Yes to all of that. I think it’s why I was drawn to yoga, it really brought me into my body after years of pushing things down and cutting myself off from all that wisdom/all those feelings. But even when you know what you want, sometimes it’s giving yourself permission to take action on your own behalf. That part still takes Herculean effort for me. I can take action on my children’s behalf with ease and joy, and if they’re in trouble, nobody better get in my way lol. Same for all the close people in my life.
But to make decisions based on “just” what makes me happy is not only foreign, it feels selfish. I think a lot of women struggle with this. Like it’s okay for me to make decisions if my life is at stake, but not if it’s just because something different than what I thought, now feels like the thing I need if I want life to feel good. It’s okay for me to make decisions for myself as long as I’m not going to hurt anyone in the process. That kind of thing.
Still grappling with that shit, Holly! But this is the year. I’ve already taken some big steps, and just have to wrestle with the feelings that come up. I’m doing it. I can’t say it’s easy, but learning new things never is, right?
Anyway, thank you for being here. It’s so good to connect with y’all, this comments section is one of my favorite places to be! I wish you a very happy new year, and I’m sending you lots of love ❤️
It's crazy how it is easier to justify doing things for others than it is for ourselves. That programming about being selfish runs deep. I like to challenge myself to think about doing for myself as adding something positive to the world rather than taking something away. For example, if I feel selfish for taking the time to nap when I am exhausted I might get focused on the things that I didn't accomplish around my house. But if I look at it as what I added to the world, I am more engaged with the people around me for the rest of the day and feeling more positive and energetic. That makes caring for myself not seem quite as selfish.
And maybe it's just a mindgame. But getting past my own mental barriers is the most challenging part of making change for me.
Thanks for what you put out into the world. It makes the world a better place.
Thank you so much, Holly 🙏🏼❤️ And yes, the reframe helps! It’s the whole oxygen mask metaphor, you can’t give anything if you’re totally depleted. I hope the first couple of days of this new year have been gentle. Sending hugs and love xx
I relate so hard. My wiring is not set up for this kind of thinking, at all. It felt like forbidden fruit to just write what I want, it was freeing and fun and surprising. And it feels like a roadmap. I hope you have the same kind of experience.
I wish you a very happy new year, and I’m sending lots of love. Always here to cheerlead, listen, support and encourage. It’s always easier to travel with people who are dealing with the same terrain! We don’t have to have it all figured out, just have to keep moving forward, or sit and rest when needed. That’s my feeling. Hugs ❤️