"Have you never wondered why it is we are not just in armed combat against you? It is not because there is a shortage of kitchen knives in this country. It is because we believe in your humanity, against all the evidence." - Andrea Dworkin, 1980, I Want A 24 Hour Truce (In Which There Is No Rape)
Yay for this, Ally! I’m with you 100% and I thank you for putting into words what I also feel all of this every day of my life. Your writing is gorgeous, eloquent, and fiery. I love it. I have my own collection of unwanted dick sightings over the course of many years on the planet. I can’t stand the idea of saying “I hate men,” but there are times when that’s the only feeling I can muster as a response to their sense of privilege, the arrogance, their inherent violence, the self-assigned superiority. Of course there are men that I love, but they are a small group that has been carefully vetted. As a group, though, they are always suspect. That’s not on me. They earned it by their repellent behaviors and attitudes. It’s a terrible thing to have to say, much less feel. I could go on, but it’s late. Thank you my dear for your honesty and bravery. You keep showing up in your truth. I respect that so much. xoxo
This is gonna be long, Nan, get ready! I was just messaging with a friend about this. I don't know why I don't hate men after all that, (and there were plenty of things I didn't talk about, like failed relationships with men who...whatever, that's another essay), but I don't. I am deeply disappointed and utterly out of patience for bullshit, though. Far too many men are blinded to their privilege. Far too many of them are dangerous. So what you're left with are the men who recognize the toxicity of the patriarchy, do respect women, and are not dangerous. And out of that group, you can then start looking for something more than the lowest bar possible, because I would say - "not dangerous and not an asshole" - that's a pretty low bar. But out of that group, there are some brilliant, kind, thoughtful, sensitive men, and I enjoy that energy. I have a few very wonderful male friends in my life, people I've known for years, and I treasure them. And I have a son and he's the best. I was determined to raise him to be a good man, and I was determined to raise a strong daughter, and while I haven't gotten everything right in my life, I did do that. My son is the kid who takes his drunk (girl) friends home at parties so no one takes advantage, and he treats his own girlfriend with so much care and respect. I do think a lot of what has gone wrong with men generally has to do with everything I was writing about. They're also growing up in these waters, getting the same messages about who is important and who is less so, or what it's okay to do or not do, and what they can get away with or not. I know for myself, I am a pretty laid-back mom. I definitely wanted my kids to feel loved, secure, nurtured and safe in ways I wasn't and didn't. We had a lot of fun in the house, just lots of laughter and playtime and bedtime stories that went on for hours. But I never let my son speak to me disrespectfully, not ever. And there were times I did need to correct him, and my god, the whole neighborhood heard me, I have no doubt. But I can count on less than one hand the number of times I've raised my voice to my son, and so I think the times I have really stood out.
I have been really surprised at times by the way some of my very intelligent, progressive, strong, successful moms-of-sons friends of mine have allowed their sons to speak to them over the years. It's hard, this stuff is so ingrained. And I've also been surprised that so many of my (all those same fantastic adjectives) mom friends have not talked to their sons about sex. It might sound funny, but I think this is a huge thing that needs to change. I have had ALL the conversations with my kid about all of it. I remember when he was eleven, a friend of his at school who was a year older had come in and told all his friends what blowjobs were, his mom had gotten him a book because he was entering puberty. I'd already told my kid how babies were made, he'd known for years, but then I had to have a conversation about oral sex, and sex for pleasure and let me tell you, that was just the beginning. Obviously I talked to him about consent, many times. And I told him other things, like porn is a very poor example if you want to make a woman happy. Whatever, I said it all. Who is gonna teach boys about girls and women better, mom or dad? Obviously, you have different conversations if your kid is gay or bisexual or anything in between, but the point is to be having conversations as the mom. Now that doesn't mean I think it isn't good to have conversations with dad or whatever male figure may be around, but I'm just saying, all this stuff matters. Anyway, I could go on for hours. We just need to start unraveling this mess and refusing as women to accept anything less than what we deserve, which is a lot better than what we've been getting. Thank you for your wonderful comments as ever. I was scared to hit publish on this, but I'm so glad I did. Hugs and love and let's fight the good fight xx
Why were you scared to hit publish? It’s a wonderful comment(s)! I have a lot to say, too, but I’m wrecked tired right now. So I’m going to sleep on it, and come back tomorrow. I agree with everything you’ve said. All of it. I started to write more, but Oy. I’ve got to stop! I need to catch up with you. So many good things are happening in Substackland. xoxo
I'm watching Trump signs go up in my neighborhood, in the yards of people I've become friendly with since moving here a few years ago, and I don't know how I feel about it. I want to separate the people from the politics, but is that possible? Especially when those politics are apparently so important that they warrant a yard sign advertising them? It pains me to see Trump and Vance supported by people I've come to know as kind and intelligent. I don't know how to square those things. I don't want to make nice/unify/agree to disagree with people who hold on to outdated, unfair, misogynistic perspectives, either. It feels like a form of enabling, of excusing bad behavior—like you said, boys will be boys. That kind of feels like shrugging and saying Trumpers are gonna Trump. Why, though? Why should that be normalized? Nothing about it is normal. Trump and Vance are such small-minded men, and I am so tired of hearing them and others like them speak. We're so overdue for change. I hope we can vote it into reality.
I really feel for you, Kate. I would be beside myself if people I thought were friends were putting Trump signs in their yards. I don't think I could get past that, but I think I would try to talk about it. I've had conversations with three people over the last week that really surprised me. Two I mentioned in the essay, straight, white, upwardly mobile male friends who casually said they thought Trump would win, and one I didn't mention, a female friend who is going to vote for Kamala because "the alternative is unthinkable" but she isn't excited and doesn't think Kamala can beat him. In all cases, I did engage in conversation. I tried to stay calm (NOT EASY) and ask questions. With the men, I said I didn't think they understood what was happening in my body when they said that, and one assured me he was voting for Kamala, and the other said I'd given him a lot to think about. To the guy who said his vote didn't count, I said it counted to me. It was a message to me that he cared about the things that put my rights at risk, and my daughter's, and I asked him if he had any queer friends, any people of color in his life, any marginalized people at all. I think my intensity surprised him and I do hope he's thinking about it. And my female friend, I just did my best to try to get her excited? We're just in crazy territory at this point. Trump gave a speech at Turning Point last night that was TERRIFYING, about how people just need to vote this time, but they won't need to vote again in four years because they're going to "work it out": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo-I6YW_jWY
I don't know how we can NOT talk to our friends who are thinking about voting for this ticket at this point. Ugh, it's just awful. Anyway, I'm sending you lots of love. Here for support if you need it, anytime.
Ally, that is such a thoughtful and respectful way of approaching the conversation. What you said about telling the guy his vote counts for you and it being a message that he cares about your rights, your daughter's rights, and the rights of so many marginalized people is really quite profound. It made an impression on me, and I'm already on your side! It's a brilliant way to sum up what it means to vote and why it's so important.
Thanks, as always, for your replies and support. I hope we can give each other a virtual high-five come November!
p.s. I did not catch the Trump speech about voting in four years, but WTF? I'm going to have to look that up. The man is unhinged.
"I want to separate the people from the politics, but is that possible? Especially when those politics are apparently so important that they warrant a yard sign advertising them?"
My husband's best friend is the type that will go to a same-sex wedding, say it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and then gladly vote for the people screaming that that couple is deviant and the downfall of moral America and must be criminalized. It's so disheartening. He votes Republican not out of a sense of alignment with their platform, but because of "family tradition." My husband said if his friend took one of those "which political party do I align with?" quizzes, he'd probably support the Green party. I just....I don't get it.
The whole, "I've always been Republican, my family has always voted Republican" thing is real. I want to say to these people, the Republican party you used to vote for no longer exists, it's been co-opted by a soulless reality tv star who has fantasies of being a dictator. But they won't be fantasies for long if we don't fight back, and hard. I hold my head in my hands many times a day.
He loves the outdoors, and he's a UPS worker and part of the Teamsters union. He has Muslim immigrant family members and close friends that are LGBTQIA+. But "I don't think people should be using abortion as birth control." And he likes the idea of lower taxes, I guess. I weep for my kids and grandkids.
It’s like the people who talk about all these late-term abortions in the ninth month ffs. I just can’t, know? I have a friend who had a stillbirth and my god. Like, these people do not understand the PAIN and grief women go through and the absolute agony we have to survive, so maybe…maybe show us a little fucking respect. Ughhh, Shirley.
I’ve been reading your work for nearly a decade, followed from Facebook and have your Open Randomly book (which I still open randomly). I have always related to your writing. Thank you for putting words to my thoughts and feelings, and especially for this inspiring piece…As always, it radiates vulnerability and TRUTH! So many of us share similar stories growing up girl and becoming a woman. It can become more infuriating when you hear you’re not alone in your experiences…it stokes the fire, creating more energy…..which is why it’s essential we keep sharing our experiences as they give others strength and build hope …. I hope that your words move others to find the courage to speak up and take action! Enough is enough!
Working to transmute all the decades of stuffed rage into courage to change shit right alongside you!!
For whatever reason, yours was the first comment I saw (I think I saw your restack), and I can't tell you what it meant to me. This was by far the most enraged essay I've written, and I still have that deeply ingrained thing I've been working through for years. It's that good girl garbage. Good girls aren't angry - but you know what? Good girls then get migraines and eating disorders, and maybe try this - do better and then girls and women won't be feeling so much rage. So I've been slowly rewiring that programming for a decade or more, and obviously long ago realized repressed rage makes you sick, but even now I have to fight myself, because how much is too much? Like, is it okay to really unleash it? And now the stakes feel so high, and also I'm 53 and are we STILL having these fucked up conversations about whether women are valuable if they don't have kids??? Like really? So I just said fuck it, I'm doing it, but I was still scared. And your comments were just the perfect thing. I totally relaxed and I got a little teary, and I thought, well, there's that. Even if that's the only good comment I get, that's enough, I'm good. So thank you, seriously. SO much. And lots of love. We'll just keep marching forward together xx
A huge HELL YEAH to all of this, and a perfect detailed explanation of why we choose the bear.
As a childfree cat lady (and dog lady, and turtle lady), I am enraged and also energized and ready to use my time and money to make sure that the country that I live in won't be ruled by misogynistic fascist criminals. Also, I refuse to believe that people are separate from their politics, so if anyone supports the above mentioned misogynistic fascist criminals, then they are showing you exactly the kind of person they are.
Wow, Ally, you did it again: Giving me a crick in the neck from too vigorously nodding along.
I don’t think you need to worry much about your daughter, because she is loved and has a fierce protector and defender in you. I’m convinced that predators can sniff out the vulnerable (i.e. the ill-protected and un-defended) which is why these kinds of things happened over and over to people like us (as children, as teens, as young adults) and have never happened ONCE (knock on wood) to my now almost thirty-year-old daughter who is self-possessed and unafraid… the monsters can smell it. To the perverts who would use this line of thought for more victim-shaming – they can fuck right off. Let them be assaulted and humiliated by a horde of rabid women during their next confident stroll through a lonely park, and then mocked for avoiding lonely parks. (Sorry/ not sorry)
As for your ‘close-your-eyes’ moment: I pictured an older, bleached-blond woman in a MAGA hat; the scariest and sorriest of creatures. Internalized misogyny, indeed.
I just love you. YES to all of this, and I do think you're right. Predators can sniff out the kids who are struggling and vulnerable. I signed my daughter up for a self defense class this summer and she KICKED ASS. The guy who runs it really focuses on teaching real world skills. He's like 6'1" or 6'2" and he was teaching these girls how to fight back in multiple scenarios using his full body weight, and I've now signed her up for private lessons because FUCK all those guys. I want her to know what to do and pray she never needs to use the skills.
Y'all have given me LIFE with your comments. And hope and fire. Cannot thank you enough xoxox
Yes. Every single bit of this. Thank you. Time for us to stand up to this bullshit. Let's get rid of our need to be "nice" and shout this truth from the rooftops, regardless of who gets uncomfortable. LFG.
You all encouraged me so much. I can't even begin to tell you what your comments here have meant to me. It's long overdue that we get loud and fight back, and I'm so relieved and gratified to see I am not alone in feeling this way, so LFG!!!
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not as bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.”
A beautifully written article. You capture so well the exhaustion and rage of being female in a world run by and for males.
I had completely forgotten that quote and it brought me back to a psychology class I took with Eugene Galanter at Columbia University about 30 years ago! Thanks so much for sharing that, and for your kind comments. And for being here. It’s been rough lately, but this comment section is just amazing and so gratifying, and I’m really moved to be in conversation with all of you.
Hi Ally, I really enjoyed this, even though it's also fucking scary to witness what can only be described as descent into madness.
I don't know what to think of things any more.
I often worry about my 13 year old daughter, but there isn't much I can do but love her and be there whenever she needs me. Because I know a point will come when something similar will happen to her and I don't want to fail her.
Thank you for being here and everything. I appreciate you take time to write. Reading your essays is one of my most favourite things every week.
Hi Peter! Maybe see if there are any self defense classes you can find for her? I did that for my daughter this summer. I don't know if you have anything like it near you, but I wanted someone who would give her real world skills, not martial arts (though I think that's great), but like, what to do if a guy jumps you, if someone tries to overpower you, etc. I wish I'd had that training. FWIW. Thanks for being here, and for your comments, and love to you and Anneke!
I have nothing to add except I hear you and see you so clearly, and I am with on this 100%. Just, fuck this.
I am trying to stay focused and positive, but I remain in a struggle with leftover anger at the men who I thought were on our side who have proven in words, actions, and selfishness that they would have rather had Trump win than vote for someone they didn't 100% agree with (who, weirdly, was also a woman). I'm seeing a little less of that this time, but it's still there, and it includes some women as well. I want to keep my heart open to them and talk to them like a rational human being when I can, but it is getting increasingly difficult to do so.
It is SO hard. It's like y'all are the ones receiving ALL the benefits and protections, and you're just gonna shrug right now while the rest of us are scared shitless? Fuck that, and fuck you is my response, but yeah, that's my inside voice. My outside voice? I just am trying to express my honest feelings as calmly as I can. It's advanced yoga FOR REAL. Hugs and love, thank you for being here and for understanding!!!
Ally, your writing is so raw, honest, and real—it stirs so many emotions. Everyone, Everyone, should be angry and tired of the incessant bullshit! I’m so terribly sorry for all the harm you have had to endure in the past, and that you (and others) continue to encounter today. I will say, unequivocally, no one deserves even one single event of abuse. Everyone deserves to grow up and to live in a loving, healthy family (and society). Everyone deserves to be respected, honored, and loved unconditionally—and to be treated, always, with kindness and dignity!
It’s very painful to read what you write for two reasons. I am sad to tell you that, in addition to having been abused as a child, I went on to become one of the abusive men you describe. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and saddened each time I think of the harm I have caused others. The past Can teach us, I am learning! Healing Can happen! Change Can come about! I know all this from my own lived experience. For me it’s often been damned hard—even excruciatingly difficult—to do the work of changing. But it has literally given me a new life! Guilt and shame are necessary and appropriate emotions and, like all other feelings, they deserve (heck, demand!) validation. But I also had to learn to be careful to avoid allowing those powerful feelings to control me. I can’t allow them to keep me stuck in the past, or worse, trapped in the ever-worsening cycle of addiction. In fact, dealing with guilt and shame has been one of the most challenging hurdles to overcome in my recovery journey. A big part of me really didn’t believe I deserved healing.
I appreciate you sharing so much of your life and wisdom with us. And I resolve to continue to heal and grow each day. Others who are a part of my tiny piece of the world, especially young people, reap the rewards of my work toward healing. My life in recovery is truly a “living amends”.
I know this is long but I wrote these thoughts to convey how the good work a person does (in this case it’s you, Ally) travels out into the world and truly makes it a better place. Thank you for the work you put into this “space”. Thank you for helping me, and others, continue to learn, and grow. I appreciate you.
Steve, your comments made me cry. In a good way. It is so hard to break generational cycles of abuse. I agree that everyone in this world deserves to be received with love, amazement, and awe. I know when my children were born I just could not believe it. Look at these tiny fingers. Look at these little toes. Look at this impossible hand gripping my finger, these eyes blinking open and closed. This tiny little being I’ve been feeling moving around inside me, the elbow that I saw moving across my belly just weeks ago, here on the outside. And then the joy of watching these tiny beings grow into themselves, and getting to see what interests them, what lights them up? I could go on for hours and maybe I will in next week’s essay because it would feel good to write something like this right now. Everyone deserves to be received that way, but not everyone is - through no fault of their own.
Things can happen to any of us, and they do. It’s what you do with the things that happen to you that matter. I am relieved and grateful you aren’t mired in shame and guilt because at a certain point they choke the life out of everything. What good does it do if your one wild and precious life is spent in sadness and regret? I’m happy that you’re here. I think your comments were brave and beautiful and I thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Ally, for your lovely, kind reply. I want to give it more thought and will share a bit more when I am less tired. Thank you, too, for the love you generously share… as you know, it’s returned in multiples…. Multiples of love… healing the hurts, injustices, and unkindnesses of the world. That’s an apt bedtime prayer to usher in our sleep.
Your writing hits hard because it’s raw and unapologetic. You don’t just talk about the assholes who thought they could get away with everything; you lay bare how their actions ripple out and shape everything from your self-worth to your politics. You’re done being quiet, done being polite. You’re standing up, middle finger raised, saying, “Enough.”
Thank you so much. And thank you for getting it. It’s true, I’m done. I don’t know if it’s watching my 15 year old daughter start to deal with this bullshit or being 53, but yes, I’m done being quiet about it. I feel like I open my mouth or start typing and fire comes out. I’ll probably lose some people but that’s okay. I’ll probably gain some people who are also sick of it. Thank you for being here! 🤍
"Have you never wondered why it is we are not just in armed combat against you? It is not because there is a shortage of kitchen knives in this country. It is because we believe in your humanity, against all the evidence." - Andrea Dworkin, 1980, I Want A 24 Hour Truce (In Which There Is No Rape)
My god do I feel this.
Yay for this, Ally! I’m with you 100% and I thank you for putting into words what I also feel all of this every day of my life. Your writing is gorgeous, eloquent, and fiery. I love it. I have my own collection of unwanted dick sightings over the course of many years on the planet. I can’t stand the idea of saying “I hate men,” but there are times when that’s the only feeling I can muster as a response to their sense of privilege, the arrogance, their inherent violence, the self-assigned superiority. Of course there are men that I love, but they are a small group that has been carefully vetted. As a group, though, they are always suspect. That’s not on me. They earned it by their repellent behaviors and attitudes. It’s a terrible thing to have to say, much less feel. I could go on, but it’s late. Thank you my dear for your honesty and bravery. You keep showing up in your truth. I respect that so much. xoxo
This is gonna be long, Nan, get ready! I was just messaging with a friend about this. I don't know why I don't hate men after all that, (and there were plenty of things I didn't talk about, like failed relationships with men who...whatever, that's another essay), but I don't. I am deeply disappointed and utterly out of patience for bullshit, though. Far too many men are blinded to their privilege. Far too many of them are dangerous. So what you're left with are the men who recognize the toxicity of the patriarchy, do respect women, and are not dangerous. And out of that group, you can then start looking for something more than the lowest bar possible, because I would say - "not dangerous and not an asshole" - that's a pretty low bar. But out of that group, there are some brilliant, kind, thoughtful, sensitive men, and I enjoy that energy. I have a few very wonderful male friends in my life, people I've known for years, and I treasure them. And I have a son and he's the best. I was determined to raise him to be a good man, and I was determined to raise a strong daughter, and while I haven't gotten everything right in my life, I did do that. My son is the kid who takes his drunk (girl) friends home at parties so no one takes advantage, and he treats his own girlfriend with so much care and respect. I do think a lot of what has gone wrong with men generally has to do with everything I was writing about. They're also growing up in these waters, getting the same messages about who is important and who is less so, or what it's okay to do or not do, and what they can get away with or not. I know for myself, I am a pretty laid-back mom. I definitely wanted my kids to feel loved, secure, nurtured and safe in ways I wasn't and didn't. We had a lot of fun in the house, just lots of laughter and playtime and bedtime stories that went on for hours. But I never let my son speak to me disrespectfully, not ever. And there were times I did need to correct him, and my god, the whole neighborhood heard me, I have no doubt. But I can count on less than one hand the number of times I've raised my voice to my son, and so I think the times I have really stood out.
I have been really surprised at times by the way some of my very intelligent, progressive, strong, successful moms-of-sons friends of mine have allowed their sons to speak to them over the years. It's hard, this stuff is so ingrained. And I've also been surprised that so many of my (all those same fantastic adjectives) mom friends have not talked to their sons about sex. It might sound funny, but I think this is a huge thing that needs to change. I have had ALL the conversations with my kid about all of it. I remember when he was eleven, a friend of his at school who was a year older had come in and told all his friends what blowjobs were, his mom had gotten him a book because he was entering puberty. I'd already told my kid how babies were made, he'd known for years, but then I had to have a conversation about oral sex, and sex for pleasure and let me tell you, that was just the beginning. Obviously I talked to him about consent, many times. And I told him other things, like porn is a very poor example if you want to make a woman happy. Whatever, I said it all. Who is gonna teach boys about girls and women better, mom or dad? Obviously, you have different conversations if your kid is gay or bisexual or anything in between, but the point is to be having conversations as the mom. Now that doesn't mean I think it isn't good to have conversations with dad or whatever male figure may be around, but I'm just saying, all this stuff matters. Anyway, I could go on for hours. We just need to start unraveling this mess and refusing as women to accept anything less than what we deserve, which is a lot better than what we've been getting. Thank you for your wonderful comments as ever. I was scared to hit publish on this, but I'm so glad I did. Hugs and love and let's fight the good fight xx
Why were you scared to hit publish? It’s a wonderful comment(s)! I have a lot to say, too, but I’m wrecked tired right now. So I’m going to sleep on it, and come back tomorrow. I agree with everything you’ve said. All of it. I started to write more, but Oy. I’ve got to stop! I need to catch up with you. So many good things are happening in Substackland. xoxo
I meant the essay not my comments to you! I wasn’t clear, but I’d never be scared to converse with you! Xo sleep tight!
Ah!
If men didn't want me to hate them, they shouldn't have tried quite so hard to make me.
Right? Yup.
I really get this feeling. And I'm sending you a lot of love.
Amen. I've had enough, too.
I'm watching Trump signs go up in my neighborhood, in the yards of people I've become friendly with since moving here a few years ago, and I don't know how I feel about it. I want to separate the people from the politics, but is that possible? Especially when those politics are apparently so important that they warrant a yard sign advertising them? It pains me to see Trump and Vance supported by people I've come to know as kind and intelligent. I don't know how to square those things. I don't want to make nice/unify/agree to disagree with people who hold on to outdated, unfair, misogynistic perspectives, either. It feels like a form of enabling, of excusing bad behavior—like you said, boys will be boys. That kind of feels like shrugging and saying Trumpers are gonna Trump. Why, though? Why should that be normalized? Nothing about it is normal. Trump and Vance are such small-minded men, and I am so tired of hearing them and others like them speak. We're so overdue for change. I hope we can vote it into reality.
I really feel for you, Kate. I would be beside myself if people I thought were friends were putting Trump signs in their yards. I don't think I could get past that, but I think I would try to talk about it. I've had conversations with three people over the last week that really surprised me. Two I mentioned in the essay, straight, white, upwardly mobile male friends who casually said they thought Trump would win, and one I didn't mention, a female friend who is going to vote for Kamala because "the alternative is unthinkable" but she isn't excited and doesn't think Kamala can beat him. In all cases, I did engage in conversation. I tried to stay calm (NOT EASY) and ask questions. With the men, I said I didn't think they understood what was happening in my body when they said that, and one assured me he was voting for Kamala, and the other said I'd given him a lot to think about. To the guy who said his vote didn't count, I said it counted to me. It was a message to me that he cared about the things that put my rights at risk, and my daughter's, and I asked him if he had any queer friends, any people of color in his life, any marginalized people at all. I think my intensity surprised him and I do hope he's thinking about it. And my female friend, I just did my best to try to get her excited? We're just in crazy territory at this point. Trump gave a speech at Turning Point last night that was TERRIFYING, about how people just need to vote this time, but they won't need to vote again in four years because they're going to "work it out": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo-I6YW_jWY
I don't know how we can NOT talk to our friends who are thinking about voting for this ticket at this point. Ugh, it's just awful. Anyway, I'm sending you lots of love. Here for support if you need it, anytime.
Ally, that is such a thoughtful and respectful way of approaching the conversation. What you said about telling the guy his vote counts for you and it being a message that he cares about your rights, your daughter's rights, and the rights of so many marginalized people is really quite profound. It made an impression on me, and I'm already on your side! It's a brilliant way to sum up what it means to vote and why it's so important.
Thanks, as always, for your replies and support. I hope we can give each other a virtual high-five come November!
p.s. I did not catch the Trump speech about voting in four years, but WTF? I'm going to have to look that up. The man is unhinged.
I’m glad it helped and I’m always here if you need support! And I think you’ll find support in this crowd of amazing women on this thread, too 🤍
"I want to separate the people from the politics, but is that possible? Especially when those politics are apparently so important that they warrant a yard sign advertising them?"
My husband's best friend is the type that will go to a same-sex wedding, say it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and then gladly vote for the people screaming that that couple is deviant and the downfall of moral America and must be criminalized. It's so disheartening. He votes Republican not out of a sense of alignment with their platform, but because of "family tradition." My husband said if his friend took one of those "which political party do I align with?" quizzes, he'd probably support the Green party. I just....I don't get it.
The whole, "I've always been Republican, my family has always voted Republican" thing is real. I want to say to these people, the Republican party you used to vote for no longer exists, it's been co-opted by a soulless reality tv star who has fantasies of being a dictator. But they won't be fantasies for long if we don't fight back, and hard. I hold my head in my hands many times a day.
He loves the outdoors, and he's a UPS worker and part of the Teamsters union. He has Muslim immigrant family members and close friends that are LGBTQIA+. But "I don't think people should be using abortion as birth control." And he likes the idea of lower taxes, I guess. I weep for my kids and grandkids.
It’s like the people who talk about all these late-term abortions in the ninth month ffs. I just can’t, know? I have a friend who had a stillbirth and my god. Like, these people do not understand the PAIN and grief women go through and the absolute agony we have to survive, so maybe…maybe show us a little fucking respect. Ughhh, Shirley.
The cognitive dissonance is real. I need someone to explain it to me because I don't get it either.
I’ve been reading your work for nearly a decade, followed from Facebook and have your Open Randomly book (which I still open randomly). I have always related to your writing. Thank you for putting words to my thoughts and feelings, and especially for this inspiring piece…As always, it radiates vulnerability and TRUTH! So many of us share similar stories growing up girl and becoming a woman. It can become more infuriating when you hear you’re not alone in your experiences…it stokes the fire, creating more energy…..which is why it’s essential we keep sharing our experiences as they give others strength and build hope …. I hope that your words move others to find the courage to speak up and take action! Enough is enough!
Working to transmute all the decades of stuffed rage into courage to change shit right alongside you!!
✨K
For whatever reason, yours was the first comment I saw (I think I saw your restack), and I can't tell you what it meant to me. This was by far the most enraged essay I've written, and I still have that deeply ingrained thing I've been working through for years. It's that good girl garbage. Good girls aren't angry - but you know what? Good girls then get migraines and eating disorders, and maybe try this - do better and then girls and women won't be feeling so much rage. So I've been slowly rewiring that programming for a decade or more, and obviously long ago realized repressed rage makes you sick, but even now I have to fight myself, because how much is too much? Like, is it okay to really unleash it? And now the stakes feel so high, and also I'm 53 and are we STILL having these fucked up conversations about whether women are valuable if they don't have kids??? Like really? So I just said fuck it, I'm doing it, but I was still scared. And your comments were just the perfect thing. I totally relaxed and I got a little teary, and I thought, well, there's that. Even if that's the only good comment I get, that's enough, I'm good. So thank you, seriously. SO much. And lots of love. We'll just keep marching forward together xx
A huge HELL YEAH to all of this, and a perfect detailed explanation of why we choose the bear.
As a childfree cat lady (and dog lady, and turtle lady), I am enraged and also energized and ready to use my time and money to make sure that the country that I live in won't be ruled by misogynistic fascist criminals. Also, I refuse to believe that people are separate from their politics, so if anyone supports the above mentioned misogynistic fascist criminals, then they are showing you exactly the kind of person they are.
God I just love y'all. These comments are life right now, they're like oxygen. I could not agree more, and thank you so much for being here.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I fist bump your fury and thank you for putting this into words.
Thank you so much for being here, for getting it, and for being part of the reason I think (hope) we're going to be okay!!
Wow, Ally, you did it again: Giving me a crick in the neck from too vigorously nodding along.
I don’t think you need to worry much about your daughter, because she is loved and has a fierce protector and defender in you. I’m convinced that predators can sniff out the vulnerable (i.e. the ill-protected and un-defended) which is why these kinds of things happened over and over to people like us (as children, as teens, as young adults) and have never happened ONCE (knock on wood) to my now almost thirty-year-old daughter who is self-possessed and unafraid… the monsters can smell it. To the perverts who would use this line of thought for more victim-shaming – they can fuck right off. Let them be assaulted and humiliated by a horde of rabid women during their next confident stroll through a lonely park, and then mocked for avoiding lonely parks. (Sorry/ not sorry)
As for your ‘close-your-eyes’ moment: I pictured an older, bleached-blond woman in a MAGA hat; the scariest and sorriest of creatures. Internalized misogyny, indeed.
I just love you. YES to all of this, and I do think you're right. Predators can sniff out the kids who are struggling and vulnerable. I signed my daughter up for a self defense class this summer and she KICKED ASS. The guy who runs it really focuses on teaching real world skills. He's like 6'1" or 6'2" and he was teaching these girls how to fight back in multiple scenarios using his full body weight, and I've now signed her up for private lessons because FUCK all those guys. I want her to know what to do and pray she never needs to use the skills.
Y'all have given me LIFE with your comments. And hope and fire. Cannot thank you enough xoxox
Yeah to warrior girls!!!!
Yes. Every single bit of this. Thank you. Time for us to stand up to this bullshit. Let's get rid of our need to be "nice" and shout this truth from the rooftops, regardless of who gets uncomfortable. LFG.
You all encouraged me so much. I can't even begin to tell you what your comments here have meant to me. It's long overdue that we get loud and fight back, and I'm so relieved and gratified to see I am not alone in feeling this way, so LFG!!!
Yes. Hell yes. So much yes to every word of this. Thank you for saying it so perfectly.
Thank you for getting it and for being here!!! Truly <3
The Bonnie Burstow quote strikes again.
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not as bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.”
A beautifully written article. You capture so well the exhaustion and rage of being female in a world run by and for males.
I had completely forgotten that quote and it brought me back to a psychology class I took with Eugene Galanter at Columbia University about 30 years ago! Thanks so much for sharing that, and for your kind comments. And for being here. It’s been rough lately, but this comment section is just amazing and so gratifying, and I’m really moved to be in conversation with all of you.
Hi Ally, I really enjoyed this, even though it's also fucking scary to witness what can only be described as descent into madness.
I don't know what to think of things any more.
I often worry about my 13 year old daughter, but there isn't much I can do but love her and be there whenever she needs me. Because I know a point will come when something similar will happen to her and I don't want to fail her.
Thank you for being here and everything. I appreciate you take time to write. Reading your essays is one of my most favourite things every week.
Namaste.
All the best to you and your family 🙏
Hi Peter! Maybe see if there are any self defense classes you can find for her? I did that for my daughter this summer. I don't know if you have anything like it near you, but I wanted someone who would give her real world skills, not martial arts (though I think that's great), but like, what to do if a guy jumps you, if someone tries to overpower you, etc. I wish I'd had that training. FWIW. Thanks for being here, and for your comments, and love to you and Anneke!
I have nothing to add except I hear you and see you so clearly, and I am with on this 100%. Just, fuck this.
I am trying to stay focused and positive, but I remain in a struggle with leftover anger at the men who I thought were on our side who have proven in words, actions, and selfishness that they would have rather had Trump win than vote for someone they didn't 100% agree with (who, weirdly, was also a woman). I'm seeing a little less of that this time, but it's still there, and it includes some women as well. I want to keep my heart open to them and talk to them like a rational human being when I can, but it is getting increasingly difficult to do so.
It is SO hard. It's like y'all are the ones receiving ALL the benefits and protections, and you're just gonna shrug right now while the rest of us are scared shitless? Fuck that, and fuck you is my response, but yeah, that's my inside voice. My outside voice? I just am trying to express my honest feelings as calmly as I can. It's advanced yoga FOR REAL. Hugs and love, thank you for being here and for understanding!!!
Ally, your writing is so raw, honest, and real—it stirs so many emotions. Everyone, Everyone, should be angry and tired of the incessant bullshit! I’m so terribly sorry for all the harm you have had to endure in the past, and that you (and others) continue to encounter today. I will say, unequivocally, no one deserves even one single event of abuse. Everyone deserves to grow up and to live in a loving, healthy family (and society). Everyone deserves to be respected, honored, and loved unconditionally—and to be treated, always, with kindness and dignity!
It’s very painful to read what you write for two reasons. I am sad to tell you that, in addition to having been abused as a child, I went on to become one of the abusive men you describe. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and saddened each time I think of the harm I have caused others. The past Can teach us, I am learning! Healing Can happen! Change Can come about! I know all this from my own lived experience. For me it’s often been damned hard—even excruciatingly difficult—to do the work of changing. But it has literally given me a new life! Guilt and shame are necessary and appropriate emotions and, like all other feelings, they deserve (heck, demand!) validation. But I also had to learn to be careful to avoid allowing those powerful feelings to control me. I can’t allow them to keep me stuck in the past, or worse, trapped in the ever-worsening cycle of addiction. In fact, dealing with guilt and shame has been one of the most challenging hurdles to overcome in my recovery journey. A big part of me really didn’t believe I deserved healing.
I appreciate you sharing so much of your life and wisdom with us. And I resolve to continue to heal and grow each day. Others who are a part of my tiny piece of the world, especially young people, reap the rewards of my work toward healing. My life in recovery is truly a “living amends”.
I know this is long but I wrote these thoughts to convey how the good work a person does (in this case it’s you, Ally) travels out into the world and truly makes it a better place. Thank you for the work you put into this “space”. Thank you for helping me, and others, continue to learn, and grow. I appreciate you.
Steve, your comments made me cry. In a good way. It is so hard to break generational cycles of abuse. I agree that everyone in this world deserves to be received with love, amazement, and awe. I know when my children were born I just could not believe it. Look at these tiny fingers. Look at these little toes. Look at this impossible hand gripping my finger, these eyes blinking open and closed. This tiny little being I’ve been feeling moving around inside me, the elbow that I saw moving across my belly just weeks ago, here on the outside. And then the joy of watching these tiny beings grow into themselves, and getting to see what interests them, what lights them up? I could go on for hours and maybe I will in next week’s essay because it would feel good to write something like this right now. Everyone deserves to be received that way, but not everyone is - through no fault of their own.
Things can happen to any of us, and they do. It’s what you do with the things that happen to you that matter. I am relieved and grateful you aren’t mired in shame and guilt because at a certain point they choke the life out of everything. What good does it do if your one wild and precious life is spent in sadness and regret? I’m happy that you’re here. I think your comments were brave and beautiful and I thank you for sharing.
And I’m sending you a lot of love 🤍
Thank you, Ally, for your lovely, kind reply. I want to give it more thought and will share a bit more when I am less tired. Thank you, too, for the love you generously share… as you know, it’s returned in multiples…. Multiples of love… healing the hurts, injustices, and unkindnesses of the world. That’s an apt bedtime prayer to usher in our sleep.
Your writing hits hard because it’s raw and unapologetic. You don’t just talk about the assholes who thought they could get away with everything; you lay bare how their actions ripple out and shape everything from your self-worth to your politics. You’re done being quiet, done being polite. You’re standing up, middle finger raised, saying, “Enough.”
Thank you so much. And thank you for getting it. It’s true, I’m done. I don’t know if it’s watching my 15 year old daughter start to deal with this bullshit or being 53, but yes, I’m done being quiet about it. I feel like I open my mouth or start typing and fire comes out. I’ll probably lose some people but that’s okay. I’ll probably gain some people who are also sick of it. Thank you for being here! 🤍
Yes.
Hell yes. Thanks for being here ❤️
Amen
Thanks for being here, Alexandra 🤍