I grew up in New York City in the seventies and eighties, back when latchkey kids were common, and Fred Rogers did the parenting. My own parents split when I was four, and my mom and I stayed in the apartment that had been all of ours on West 85th, while my dad moved to an apartment nearby on West 76th Street. My elementary school was (and remains) on 95th just off Central Park West. I was an Upper West Side kid all the way. Starting in third grade I was packing my own lunch for school and either taking the public bus or walking. My dad could usually pick me up from school if it was a “dad day” but eventually my mom and stepdad opened a French restaurant on the East Side and my mom was there until evening. On “mom days” if I wasn’t taking a radio-call cab across town to see her, doing my homework at the bar with my legs dangling while the bartender cut lemons and limes, I’d walk home.
I totally enjoyed reading this as I heavily related to many parts of it. I grew up in NYC in the 70s and 80s also, lower West side and was quite the latch key kid. I learned (finally) that it’s an illusion to think that I could fix anyone else - but man if it didn’t take so long for me to finally figure that out. I admit that sometimes I still try. So glad that you let your voice out that day.
Sometimes I still try, too. I think the key is to catch yourself before you get sucked into the vortex! And happy to connect to another 70s/80s latchkey kid :)
Ally! This is an absolutely beautiful essay. SO relatable for me. I grew up with narcissistic parents, and I appointed myself caretaker. I was a little kid, and the behavior dragged into late adulthood. Who did it help? No one, including me. It's never too late to learn that lesson. Thank you for saving that little mouse. You were blessed with a big heart. It's good to know you're doing right by yourself.
Sometimes you appoint yourself and sometimes you’re appointed! It took me so many years to get the lesson and believe me, I still have to remind myself. Glad this spoke to you and happy to be connected 🤍
Hey Ally, what a gorgeous piece! I loved this so much. I somehow recalled a moment when I used to drink (it was red wine mostly) and when my ex-wife was on the night shift and I was with our daughters, she was around 5, I must have said something and she responded "I can't help you, I'm only a child." She's 13 now, I'm 2 years + sober, and I kind of know how to keep helping myself (from inside the metaphorical bucket), but OMG some days I just wonder what is the end goal, why so much grinding. But then I come across a post like this, I feel connection, a sliver of hope and I keep going. I appreciate you put so much into these essays and they truly make me day. Thank you and namaste x
Neither of my parents ever got help for their different addictions and I really think that was more damaging than the problems themselves. That’s my way of saying I think your sobriety is the very best gift you can give your children and of course, yourself. I’m so happy this essay spoke to you and I’m sending you hugs across the ethers. Hoping the days get less “grind-y” 🤍
I love it. I feel so relatable to what you've written - especially on the term "inside job". I recently wrote something of a similar theme - a reconnection with a long-lost friend and how kindness matters more than people realised (or at least treating those who give out kindness in spades). I admire that you've tried, you've realised, and you've adjusted. Some people's denial game is strong, I've seen it played out many times over. And I refuse to accept that they are not aware of their behaviours. I recently came across this quote that you might feel related too - "Most people would rather die than think." - Bertrand Russell. Ironically, it kinda gave me some comfort.
It’s one of the saddest things to me when people refuse to look at their own behavior or patterns of behavior and try to make some shifts. Both of my parents were like that unfortunately. My dad hurt a lot of people because of it and my mom was never as happy as I know she could have been which breaks my heart. When I was growing up I always thought the goal was to try to be happy and then one day right around when I hit forty I realized it was much better to try to face reality whatever it might be. Such a relief. Thanks for your thoughtful comments 🤍
I loved reading this, because I’ve learned the hard way that trying to change others never works! Looking within and overcoming my own limitations, thoughts and stories helps not only my mental health, but also helps me be a better person to those around me! And…you are just as incredible and insightful in person as you are through your writings! Thank you!
100% keeping my own side of the street clean is plenty of work! No need to get involved in trying to manage anyone else’s clean-up projects ;) But sometimes I have to remind myself! It was great getting to meet you in person, can’t wait til next time xx
I totally enjoyed reading this as I heavily related to many parts of it. I grew up in NYC in the 70s and 80s also, lower West side and was quite the latch key kid. I learned (finally) that it’s an illusion to think that I could fix anyone else - but man if it didn’t take so long for me to finally figure that out. I admit that sometimes I still try. So glad that you let your voice out that day.
Sometimes I still try, too. I think the key is to catch yourself before you get sucked into the vortex! And happy to connect to another 70s/80s latchkey kid :)
Ally! This is an absolutely beautiful essay. SO relatable for me. I grew up with narcissistic parents, and I appointed myself caretaker. I was a little kid, and the behavior dragged into late adulthood. Who did it help? No one, including me. It's never too late to learn that lesson. Thank you for saving that little mouse. You were blessed with a big heart. It's good to know you're doing right by yourself.
Sometimes you appoint yourself and sometimes you’re appointed! It took me so many years to get the lesson and believe me, I still have to remind myself. Glad this spoke to you and happy to be connected 🤍
Hey Ally, what a gorgeous piece! I loved this so much. I somehow recalled a moment when I used to drink (it was red wine mostly) and when my ex-wife was on the night shift and I was with our daughters, she was around 5, I must have said something and she responded "I can't help you, I'm only a child." She's 13 now, I'm 2 years + sober, and I kind of know how to keep helping myself (from inside the metaphorical bucket), but OMG some days I just wonder what is the end goal, why so much grinding. But then I come across a post like this, I feel connection, a sliver of hope and I keep going. I appreciate you put so much into these essays and they truly make me day. Thank you and namaste x
Neither of my parents ever got help for their different addictions and I really think that was more damaging than the problems themselves. That’s my way of saying I think your sobriety is the very best gift you can give your children and of course, yourself. I’m so happy this essay spoke to you and I’m sending you hugs across the ethers. Hoping the days get less “grind-y” 🤍
I love it. I feel so relatable to what you've written - especially on the term "inside job". I recently wrote something of a similar theme - a reconnection with a long-lost friend and how kindness matters more than people realised (or at least treating those who give out kindness in spades). I admire that you've tried, you've realised, and you've adjusted. Some people's denial game is strong, I've seen it played out many times over. And I refuse to accept that they are not aware of their behaviours. I recently came across this quote that you might feel related too - "Most people would rather die than think." - Bertrand Russell. Ironically, it kinda gave me some comfort.
It’s one of the saddest things to me when people refuse to look at their own behavior or patterns of behavior and try to make some shifts. Both of my parents were like that unfortunately. My dad hurt a lot of people because of it and my mom was never as happy as I know she could have been which breaks my heart. When I was growing up I always thought the goal was to try to be happy and then one day right around when I hit forty I realized it was much better to try to face reality whatever it might be. Such a relief. Thanks for your thoughtful comments 🤍
I loved reading this, because I’ve learned the hard way that trying to change others never works! Looking within and overcoming my own limitations, thoughts and stories helps not only my mental health, but also helps me be a better person to those around me! And…you are just as incredible and insightful in person as you are through your writings! Thank you!
100% keeping my own side of the street clean is plenty of work! No need to get involved in trying to manage anyone else’s clean-up projects ;) But sometimes I have to remind myself! It was great getting to meet you in person, can’t wait til next time xx
The timing of me reading this was perfect. Thank you for the second time today, for sharing with us.
That makes me so happy, Toni 🤍