Tuesday morning I woke up early to a running tape in my mind of all the things that needed to get done. My son’s high school graduation was that afternoon. Four of my son’s closest friends and their families were coming over for dinner, dessert, and drinks in the backyard after graduation - which doesn’t sound like a lot of people, but was actually twenty-five. It was my daughter’s second-to-last day of ninth grade. We’re leaving for my Portugal retreat in less than a week. I have to write three essays and record three podcasts and film three yoga classes before we go. I didn’t need coffee to feel fully awake, it turns out anxiety works as well as caffeine. It doesn’t taste as good, though, so I went to the kitchen and ground the beans and steamed the oat milk and unloaded the dishwasher. Those are always my first tasks of the day. My son was sleeping since he didn’t have to be at school until an hour before graduation. My daughter was up and about. When she came into the kitchen, I assaulted her with questions:
Beautiful, Ally. Those 3rd act questions have been looming around my brain lately too. I think it was Pema Chödrön who said uncertainty is our fundamental state. Whew. Yeah.
I love her. Comfortable with Uncertainty and When Things Fall Apart have gotten me through some serious upheavals. And yes, who saw these Third Act questions coming?! Not I. It’s kind of exciting and weird lol. And I am asking myself some pretty unexpected questions so there’s that, too. Life. Just when you think you know some things.
It's a huge thing to ponder, swimming in the waters of uncertainty, but also knowing that somehow you won't sink. Even though life is hard and weird sometimes, it's reassuring to see that you've made it this far, and even though it hasn't been easy, things have turned out mostly OK. I think that's what keeps us going—knowing that we've done a good job of keeping everyone afloat. And maybe the shift of contents in that running tape allows everyone to put their dreams and goals in focus, which could be a great thing all around. You've done so much to help your family succeed, and now they can grow a little more, and you can, too. No matter what, that growth will always be something you've all helped each other achieve.
Exactly this. I was just telling a friend that I am “in it” right now but also okay. I don’t know if it’s getting older and having gone through so many upheavals, or just not having the energy to freak out 😂 but I am doing a lot better with the “all will be well” attitude and it’s a RELIEF!
And thank you. I’m super proud of him, and my daughter. They’re good kids and I do feel like they’re ready for the next chapters and I know we’ll just root each other on. It’s good, I’m good, everything’s fine lol. But it really is. Thanks for your wonderful comments (again!) 🤍
As I type this a thought came to my mind that the way you write an essay, I comment and guy reply back is like a modern day pen pals lol. It's quite cute if you ask me. You're a great pen pal in this little game, thank you!
The right questions you say?
I'm currently reading a book: Selfie: How the West Became Self-Obsessed by Will Storr and omg it's making me to question almost everything I thought I know about mySELF!
The tape you're referring to, he mentions it like this:
"Consider, for a moment, what it is to be a conscious human. There are, essentially, four parts to the experience. Firstly, you have the experience of your senses – the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes, the physical sensations felt by the skin. Secondly, you have your sense of hallucinatory travel – your mind can summon images of past, future and fantasy. Thirdly, there is your emotional experience – that constantly churning ocean of fear, excitement, love, desire, hate and so on that writhes and swells beneath your days. Finally, you have your internal monologue, the chatty voice that narrates it all, interpreting everything that’s happening to you, discussing it with you, making theories about it, never shutting up."
My questions at this point in life seem to be quite existential and there's even God thrown into the mix, not that I have a deep desire to suddenly become some believer, it just seems almost all I knew about self and how do humans build experience of the reality is either wrong or my version was just a lite version of it. The rabbit hole goes quite deep!
But back to your story and questions.
I totally feel you, my daughter is 13 and I have a lot of questions about her future, my own future as I'm trying to figure out how to go about it (I'm single and just recently deleted Facebook dating because as you mentioned, it sucks lol!).
I liked the part where you said you have to believe we and our kids will be fine once we hit the unknown territory. I guess that's what I was trying to truly believe in.
I hope your retreat in Portugal will be amazing and as always, love and peace (not peach lol!) to you and your beloved.
First of all, I’ll take love and peaches anytime! And this is the second time I’m hearing about that book so I guess I’ll have to order it even though I told myself I was not going to add to my TBR (to be read) pile until I was done with my book! Because I don’t have time to read right now which is hard and crazy but just how it is. I mean, I read some writers on here, but all my “free time” hahahaha is spent writing at the moment. Anyway, Selfie sounds fascinating and like a must-read so I think I have to break my promise to myself and order it.
And yes, dating apps suck and all my friends who are on them delete them and then reload them periodically. It’s a crazy world.
As for your daughter, she’s so lucky to have you. She’ll be fine because she has a dad who loves her and is engaged and open-minded. And the older I get the less I freak out about uncertainty. Maybe I’m getting used to it finally!
This brought a smile and several laughs to my face, especially the way your children know you so well. I’m navigating the uncertainties of post-divorce now and really appreciate the way you bring out the need for the right questions. I hope you enjoy the trip.
Hey Corey! I’m glad this made you laugh and smile, and sorry to hear you’ve been going through that kind of upheaval and the uncertainty that comes with it. I will say in my case, the divorce was a gift for all of us. Anything else would have led to all kinds of trouble. I don’t know anything about your situation of course, but just wanted to say that I did NOT feel like the divorce was a gift at the time. At all. For whatever that’s worth! Hugs and love.
Love. As usual. Especially for the part about the questions in your head about your kids––I don't have any––I want to thank you for putting pen to "paper" and expressing the thoughts that run around in my head. A one person conversation that almost never stops. I'm sure I probably do it in my sleep too! I hope your trip is great, and the savor the summer with your son. They sound like really special people. I loved the convo with your daughter calling you out. Smart, that one. xoxo
Thanks so much, Nan. And yeah, that running tape is a doozy, isn’t it lol. My kids are so much smarter and savvier than I was at their age(s), they just get it. It’s reassuring. I always love your comments. Hugs 🤍🤍
Beautiful, Ally. Those 3rd act questions have been looming around my brain lately too. I think it was Pema Chödrön who said uncertainty is our fundamental state. Whew. Yeah.
I love her. Comfortable with Uncertainty and When Things Fall Apart have gotten me through some serious upheavals. And yes, who saw these Third Act questions coming?! Not I. It’s kind of exciting and weird lol. And I am asking myself some pretty unexpected questions so there’s that, too. Life. Just when you think you know some things.
It's a huge thing to ponder, swimming in the waters of uncertainty, but also knowing that somehow you won't sink. Even though life is hard and weird sometimes, it's reassuring to see that you've made it this far, and even though it hasn't been easy, things have turned out mostly OK. I think that's what keeps us going—knowing that we've done a good job of keeping everyone afloat. And maybe the shift of contents in that running tape allows everyone to put their dreams and goals in focus, which could be a great thing all around. You've done so much to help your family succeed, and now they can grow a little more, and you can, too. No matter what, that growth will always be something you've all helped each other achieve.
Congrats to your son on his graduation!
Exactly this. I was just telling a friend that I am “in it” right now but also okay. I don’t know if it’s getting older and having gone through so many upheavals, or just not having the energy to freak out 😂 but I am doing a lot better with the “all will be well” attitude and it’s a RELIEF!
And thank you. I’m super proud of him, and my daughter. They’re good kids and I do feel like they’re ready for the next chapters and I know we’ll just root each other on. It’s good, I’m good, everything’s fine lol. But it really is. Thanks for your wonderful comments (again!) 🤍
Hi Ally,
Thank you for this beautiful essay.
As I type this a thought came to my mind that the way you write an essay, I comment and guy reply back is like a modern day pen pals lol. It's quite cute if you ask me. You're a great pen pal in this little game, thank you!
The right questions you say?
I'm currently reading a book: Selfie: How the West Became Self-Obsessed by Will Storr and omg it's making me to question almost everything I thought I know about mySELF!
The tape you're referring to, he mentions it like this:
"Consider, for a moment, what it is to be a conscious human. There are, essentially, four parts to the experience. Firstly, you have the experience of your senses – the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes, the physical sensations felt by the skin. Secondly, you have your sense of hallucinatory travel – your mind can summon images of past, future and fantasy. Thirdly, there is your emotional experience – that constantly churning ocean of fear, excitement, love, desire, hate and so on that writhes and swells beneath your days. Finally, you have your internal monologue, the chatty voice that narrates it all, interpreting everything that’s happening to you, discussing it with you, making theories about it, never shutting up."
My questions at this point in life seem to be quite existential and there's even God thrown into the mix, not that I have a deep desire to suddenly become some believer, it just seems almost all I knew about self and how do humans build experience of the reality is either wrong or my version was just a lite version of it. The rabbit hole goes quite deep!
But back to your story and questions.
I totally feel you, my daughter is 13 and I have a lot of questions about her future, my own future as I'm trying to figure out how to go about it (I'm single and just recently deleted Facebook dating because as you mentioned, it sucks lol!).
I liked the part where you said you have to believe we and our kids will be fine once we hit the unknown territory. I guess that's what I was trying to truly believe in.
I hope your retreat in Portugal will be amazing and as always, love and peace (not peach lol!) to you and your beloved.
Namaste 🙏
First of all, I’ll take love and peaches anytime! And this is the second time I’m hearing about that book so I guess I’ll have to order it even though I told myself I was not going to add to my TBR (to be read) pile until I was done with my book! Because I don’t have time to read right now which is hard and crazy but just how it is. I mean, I read some writers on here, but all my “free time” hahahaha is spent writing at the moment. Anyway, Selfie sounds fascinating and like a must-read so I think I have to break my promise to myself and order it.
And yes, dating apps suck and all my friends who are on them delete them and then reload them periodically. It’s a crazy world.
As for your daughter, she’s so lucky to have you. She’ll be fine because she has a dad who loves her and is engaged and open-minded. And the older I get the less I freak out about uncertainty. Maybe I’m getting used to it finally!
Sending you hugs and love!
This brought a smile and several laughs to my face, especially the way your children know you so well. I’m navigating the uncertainties of post-divorce now and really appreciate the way you bring out the need for the right questions. I hope you enjoy the trip.
Hey Corey! I’m glad this made you laugh and smile, and sorry to hear you’ve been going through that kind of upheaval and the uncertainty that comes with it. I will say in my case, the divorce was a gift for all of us. Anything else would have led to all kinds of trouble. I don’t know anything about your situation of course, but just wanted to say that I did NOT feel like the divorce was a gift at the time. At all. For whatever that’s worth! Hugs and love.
Love. As usual. Especially for the part about the questions in your head about your kids––I don't have any––I want to thank you for putting pen to "paper" and expressing the thoughts that run around in my head. A one person conversation that almost never stops. I'm sure I probably do it in my sleep too! I hope your trip is great, and the savor the summer with your son. They sound like really special people. I loved the convo with your daughter calling you out. Smart, that one. xoxo
Thanks so much, Nan. And yeah, that running tape is a doozy, isn’t it lol. My kids are so much smarter and savvier than I was at their age(s), they just get it. It’s reassuring. I always love your comments. Hugs 🤍🤍