The thing about grief is that it tends to open the floodgates to all past griefs, like they’ve been waiting behind some grief dam you’ve managed to erect in your heart.
Oh Ally. This is so beautifully written. My heart is sprained from reading it, from feeling it, and I’m pissed I don’t live closer because I'm a great neighbor when it comes to cleaning out gutters AND grief. I hate all of this for you. It’s been wildfire season for far too long in your sweet world— I want to speak to a manager on your behalf.
I read this on the heels of a Paul Crenshaw essay— please remind me not to do THAT again. I’m a wreck over here. But I am here, wreck and all. Sending the biggest hug xo
Kate, you’re the best. I am pretty ready for this season to be over, but in the meantime I’m extra grateful for the joys where they show up, and the friends who have been so amazing (including you, obviously). But I also wish we lived closer, for gutter cleaning and sick day soup drop-offs and stargazing and everything else. I think we need to make it happen. Hugs and love to you and Riggs until then❤️❤️
Gosh, Ally. Why do nice and loving and fair people like you have to deal with so much shit and grief and injustice? It's a stupid and hopeless question of course, although sometimes I wish the answer was, we were being 'tested' (that's what religion is for – to explain the inexplicable, and while I wish the best of to everyone who is religious, I, myself am not a believer – what kind of cunt devises cruel tests to keep the followers in line?) but injustice seems endemic. If Martín were an average white dude, all sorts of hell would have broken loose to avenge his murder.
This: “It seems like there are a lot of people making strange choices these days, choosing to be hard and cruel. There isn’t anything you can do about that except try not to let it rob you of all hope.”
As I’m writing, my best fur friend of ten+ years, lies in the living room, very much dead. He had cancer, and we should have contacted ‘Lap of Love’ before he started convulsing. His suffering is on me and my reluctance to let him go. At least now, he is suffering no more. Ashes to ashes, and all that. Small grace that his long-time vet vets all the cremation options, although – how do we ever know whose ashes are in that expensively engraved box? We don’t. Sending tons of love, and love, and some more love to you. Let’s not be devoid of hope.
Oh Helia. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart absolutely aches for you. It is impossible to let them go. My poor guy was doing great, and then he took a sudden turn for the worse and didn’t want to eat and just started to really struggle. (Sudden cancer diagnosis, emergency surgery). For a good three days I did not want to believe he wasn’t going to recover. Meanwhile he was 80 pounds and I was trying to carry him from room to room and find ways to get the medication in him. I guess I’m trying to say please don’t beat yourself up. I did that to myself and it just makes everything more horrific and doesn’t bring them back. I know my boy knew how much I loved him every day and I know your best friend knew, too. I wish I could give you a hug.
As for the rest of it, yes. It’s been rough lately. I kind of think there are birth cycles and death cycles and I’ve been in a death cycle. Some things are flowing, thankfully, but others are not. I know it isn’t permanent, it’s just how it is right now.
And I stopped believing in any kind of fairness when my cousin lost his 6-year-old son. Devastating things happen to beautiful, kindhearted people every day. And people who are hard-hearted sometimes get a fuckton of breaks. Maybe it all works out in the end. I tend to think living your life as a soulless cretin is punishment enough.
I am so glad we’ve connected and so very sorry for your loss. I’m sending you a ton of love and many hugs 💔❤️❤️❤️
Thank you, Ally for your kind words and the hugs. Dearly needed and much appreciated.
Loosing a child has got to be the worst unfairness of it all...can't even go there, and you are definitely right about the soulless cretins creating their own hell.
Death cycles are an interesting thought. I lost three of my favorite males (all neutered) late this year: My old horse, my beloved barn cat and now Oliver. All of them suffered in the end and I guess that makes it so much harder. But you're absolutely right - they all lived good long lives and knew they were cherished. I so empathize with what you went through with your beautiful boy and the aftermath. Much, much love to you back. And thank you so much for your newsletter.
I can’t add anything to what these other friends have written, Ally. I, too, would love to be your neighbor—sharing chores, and grief, and smiles. 🫂🙏🫂🙏🫂
If I could close my eyes and snap my fingers and wish for something, it would be that we would all wake up as neighbors tomorrow, somewhere beautiful. I can’t imagine anything better than that 🤍
Oh, Ally. This is so heart-wrenchingly beautiful. I’m so sorry. And you’re so brave for being up on the roof. And so brave, too, for being on this hard, hard earth. 💙
Thank you so much, Katrina. It was good to be up on the roof. In a strange way I think it’s the only thing that had a chance of helping yesterday, so I’m glad I found my way there. And it’s a lot easier to be brave when there are so many kind people who show up and say just the right thing, so I thank you for that. And I’m sending you a lot of love ❤️🙏🏼
Thank you, Wendy. I really miss my boy, he was such a giant love muppet. And yes, it’s so sad about Martín. I hope they find the driver, though it won’t bring him back. But I think it would give his family some peace, or some sense of relief, anyway. Lots of love to you, I hope you’re well ❤️xx
My deepest condolences about your dog. I have always loved that picture of you two together. And the story about the gardener was just devastating. Wow.
Thank you, David. Funny thing, he would never let me take pictures of him willingly unless they were sneak attacks or selfies. No clue why lol.
And yes, I still cannot believe it. I’m so sad for Martín’s family, and right before the holidays, too. My heart hurts thinking about them 😔 Thank you for being here, and for your kindness 🤍
I've been thinking about this one for days, Ally, wanting to respond. It's gut-wrenching and beautiful. I'm so sorry for all of this loss, but grateful that you put words to it.
This really struck me: "We try to make sense out of everything, and some things are unfathomable. We try to keep it together when it’s the nature of things to fall apart." I always appreciate how your essays bring some hope and light to the incomprehensible, unavoidable messiness of being a loving person in the world.
Anyway, I hope you get to enjoy some lovely time with the kids over the holidays. It must be great having your son back home for a bit. All the best to you and the family.
Thank you so much, Rob. Appreciate this especially from you, as I know we’re on a similar grief trajectory/timeline. And yeah, was kind of talking to myself there, too, because I tend to want things to make sense, and some things never will. My obsessive mind struggles with this lol.
I’m VERY happy to have both kids under one roof, we’re definitely enjoying just being together. Best gift ever. And I’m wishing you and your family a wonderful holiday season. Lots of love ❤️
Oh god, I'm so sorry about the cremation situation. I think its brutal enough on pet owners without this sort of nonsense happening. I am sending a huge hug, I am sorry this holiday season needs to be rougher than it already is.
Ally! This essay had me in tears again and again. The writing is gorgeous. You take these stunning, deeply personal losses and make them universal. And as loss is, indeed, universal, it’s a gift to portray grief so beautifully. thank you.
Thank you so much, Holly, I appreciate that more than I can say. I feel like grief has been the primary theme of my last few years whether I would have chosen it or not, and writing about it helps me understand myself, and also make sense of the world to whatever degree any of us can do that (especially now!). I do hope it helps people who are grieving and might feel alone, and also people who might not see the grief baked into this whole contract of loving people and dogs and everything else that doesn’t last. It really upends you. So thank you for your words here, they mean the world to me ❤️
There's a movie about grief called Rabbit Hole. Stars Nicole Kidman. There's one particular scene between the mother and Nicole's character while they are in a basement that's poignantly poetic. The movie is thoroughly great, but man, that scene. It's therapy.
In regards to burning, there is a special place in hell for individuals who are in the business of taking care of people at their most vulnerable (ie hospitals, funeral homes, pet cremations) that do not treat their customers with the kindness and respect that they deserve. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. And Martin...so awful. So. Fucking. Awful.
Last weekend at work a coworker mentioned her birthday was 12/31. I said "Must be a kick to have the world celebrate you with champagne and fireworks and all." She said things have been quiet since she lost her mother, her husband, and her daughter to COVID. I immediately went into an "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" daze. It feels like the world is in a weird horrible transition and it won't be satisfied until every last one of us has our mettle tested beyond belief.
I always defer to Anne Lamott when I'm not sure what else to say. “Hope is not about proving anything. It's about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us” seems to fit the moment. Sending love and hugs with an extra side of SERENITY NOW thrown in for good measure. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
You know, I do think that. I think love is bigger than all the rest of it, and that's the thing that keeps me going. Love for my children, my friends, people in these comments, people creating art - art itself, music, poetry, a great essay, a gorgeous moon, the love of a great dog, fresh bread out of the oven, having both my kids under one roof for a few weeks, watching my daughter turn into a woman right before my eyes - even sitting on the living room floor with my dog's head in my lap at the end. I wouldn't miss a single thing, even as the world breaks my heart, and yours, and any of us paying attention, again and again and again. I'd still choose this. So that's something. And yes, there is a special place in hell, even if hell is right here. What a waste to spend your precious time on this planet being cruel and selfish when you could be kind and loving. I adore you, Eileen <3
Hi Ally, I was going to say I don't have words to say, but I realised that's a silly thing to do when I'm about to follow it up with exactly that, words.
This was yet another brilliant essay and I absolutely loved it! My only frustration last week was some stupid idiot selling me broken CD boombox off Facebook market, but mainly my own naivity really, because I usually check stuff I buy. Though that was just £30 not like three hundred dollars.
I guess though any kind of betrayal like that dims a light we all have. I'm quite recovered from the loss of 30 pounds but I must admit, it kind of stayed, cos I'm writing about it aren't I?
On the other hand though, I've managed to get free dvd desks off a woman here in neighbourhood and built shelves around my desk that I was planning to do and have a budget of £50 for the wood from DIY store. I know I can balance the loss of 30 against the assumed gain there, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, life is a losing game. Of course I'm not trying to tell you that losing is easy, quite opposite, but I love how you totally wear your heart on your sleeve cos even on bad days, your essays make me feel better. Even if you seem to be writing about things that aren't necessarily good.
I'm really sorry for such a horrible experience with Chewy (I hope I got the name right). Though the thing that broke my heart was Martín.
Recently I've read a post about a 13 yo boy who stopped a kidnapper of his sister with a slingshot and someone said "well done for figuring out how to not kill someone whilst trying to save someone" or something along those lines, but I'm so fed up with stuff like that, especially violence against kids though, that I almost commented that in my opinion those who kidnap a child actually fucking deserve to be dead. Which is a bit harsh, brutal even, but I'm running out of patience with the world as it is now.
Your writing keeps me grounded. I love how you give us your self, hope. Please, unless you really can't, don't stop. I love reading your thoughts.
Much love as always. All the best to you and your family.
Hey Peter! Ugh I’m sorry you dealt with some unfortunate unethical behavior, too. It’s a funny thing, I try not to let “one-off” stuff bother me (someone who cuts me off in traffic, or someone who doesn’t hold a door open when my arms are full etc), but when too many pile up, it’s disheartening. On the other hand, all it takes is one person to let me merge on the freeway, and my faith in humanity is restored 🤣
Anyway, I hope your week got better, and I’m wishing you and Anneke a very happy holiday season 🙏🏼❤️
I finished that with tears in my eyes. I really hope your dog finds his way home to you. I remember asking at the vet (where they did the cremation) if they would be careful with my dog's body because I could hardly stand to walk away from him, let alone allow someone else to handle him. I just couldn't picture any other way of moving him that wasn't akin to handling glass. I was relieved that he was being moved only a few yards away, but still, it is so hard putting trust in other people when you are in no state to make such decisions.
At the risk of sounding cheesy, new growth rises from the ashes. I feel like this essay was a green sprout among the black char. Of course that doesn't change anything or diminish your losses, and it shouldn't, but you have such a wonderful way of translating sorrow into beautiful, thoughtful words. That being said, I'm ready to declare wildfire season over for you!
Thank you for your kind words, Kate. It is such a terrible thing to lose our best friends who’ve loved us so purely and wholeheartedly and feel powerless to help them or do all the right things there at the end. Even if you do all the “right things” it doesn’t make it better, but at least there’s some sense of having done right by them. I feel like I let him down, which sucks. Even though I know it’s “just his body” I loved that body. I loved burying my face in his neck, and his big nose and sweet eyes and the way he always, always let my daughter rest on him when she was little. And maybe it’s extra upsetting because I felt like I didn’t do the right thing with my mom’s body after she passed. It’s like, it is “just a body” and I think you can feel that reality when someone passes, but it’s a body that housed a being who meant the world to you, so it’s sacred. Ugh I don’t know but anyway, I’m dealing with it. And your understanding really helped, so thank you. Sending you a lot of love ❤️
There's some zen or buddhist bullshit that Martha Beck quotes that whatever it is, it's already broken. But I can't think of the world like that. It's too painful. It's not broken now. (At least some things aren't.) I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful muppet friend. Show me a photo of Chewy. Just Chewy, no one else in the frame. Sending so much love...
Yes I can’t think of everything as broken, either. And I don’t think it is. All you have to do is step outside and look at the moon, or go and sit by the ocean. There’s nothing broken about the love of a good dog, or a good person. We still have poetry and music and each other. Just some things are broken and some people are really struggling here on earth. I will send you some pictures of my boy, Wendy ❤️ thank you so much xx
Oh Ally. This is so beautifully written. My heart is sprained from reading it, from feeling it, and I’m pissed I don’t live closer because I'm a great neighbor when it comes to cleaning out gutters AND grief. I hate all of this for you. It’s been wildfire season for far too long in your sweet world— I want to speak to a manager on your behalf.
I read this on the heels of a Paul Crenshaw essay— please remind me not to do THAT again. I’m a wreck over here. But I am here, wreck and all. Sending the biggest hug xo
Kate, you’re the best. I am pretty ready for this season to be over, but in the meantime I’m extra grateful for the joys where they show up, and the friends who have been so amazing (including you, obviously). But I also wish we lived closer, for gutter cleaning and sick day soup drop-offs and stargazing and everything else. I think we need to make it happen. Hugs and love to you and Riggs until then❤️❤️
Gosh, Ally. Why do nice and loving and fair people like you have to deal with so much shit and grief and injustice? It's a stupid and hopeless question of course, although sometimes I wish the answer was, we were being 'tested' (that's what religion is for – to explain the inexplicable, and while I wish the best of to everyone who is religious, I, myself am not a believer – what kind of cunt devises cruel tests to keep the followers in line?) but injustice seems endemic. If Martín were an average white dude, all sorts of hell would have broken loose to avenge his murder.
This: “It seems like there are a lot of people making strange choices these days, choosing to be hard and cruel. There isn’t anything you can do about that except try not to let it rob you of all hope.”
As I’m writing, my best fur friend of ten+ years, lies in the living room, very much dead. He had cancer, and we should have contacted ‘Lap of Love’ before he started convulsing. His suffering is on me and my reluctance to let him go. At least now, he is suffering no more. Ashes to ashes, and all that. Small grace that his long-time vet vets all the cremation options, although – how do we ever know whose ashes are in that expensively engraved box? We don’t. Sending tons of love, and love, and some more love to you. Let’s not be devoid of hope.
Oh Helia. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart absolutely aches for you. It is impossible to let them go. My poor guy was doing great, and then he took a sudden turn for the worse and didn’t want to eat and just started to really struggle. (Sudden cancer diagnosis, emergency surgery). For a good three days I did not want to believe he wasn’t going to recover. Meanwhile he was 80 pounds and I was trying to carry him from room to room and find ways to get the medication in him. I guess I’m trying to say please don’t beat yourself up. I did that to myself and it just makes everything more horrific and doesn’t bring them back. I know my boy knew how much I loved him every day and I know your best friend knew, too. I wish I could give you a hug.
As for the rest of it, yes. It’s been rough lately. I kind of think there are birth cycles and death cycles and I’ve been in a death cycle. Some things are flowing, thankfully, but others are not. I know it isn’t permanent, it’s just how it is right now.
And I stopped believing in any kind of fairness when my cousin lost his 6-year-old son. Devastating things happen to beautiful, kindhearted people every day. And people who are hard-hearted sometimes get a fuckton of breaks. Maybe it all works out in the end. I tend to think living your life as a soulless cretin is punishment enough.
I am so glad we’ve connected and so very sorry for your loss. I’m sending you a ton of love and many hugs 💔❤️❤️❤️
Thank you, Ally for your kind words and the hugs. Dearly needed and much appreciated.
Loosing a child has got to be the worst unfairness of it all...can't even go there, and you are definitely right about the soulless cretins creating their own hell.
Death cycles are an interesting thought. I lost three of my favorite males (all neutered) late this year: My old horse, my beloved barn cat and now Oliver. All of them suffered in the end and I guess that makes it so much harder. But you're absolutely right - they all lived good long lives and knew they were cherished. I so empathize with what you went through with your beautiful boy and the aftermath. Much, much love to you back. And thank you so much for your newsletter.
I can’t add anything to what these other friends have written, Ally. I, too, would love to be your neighbor—sharing chores, and grief, and smiles. 🫂🙏🫂🙏🫂
If I could close my eyes and snap my fingers and wish for something, it would be that we would all wake up as neighbors tomorrow, somewhere beautiful. I can’t imagine anything better than that 🤍
That’s beautiful, Ally…
Oh, Ally. This is so heart-wrenchingly beautiful. I’m so sorry. And you’re so brave for being up on the roof. And so brave, too, for being on this hard, hard earth. 💙
Thank you so much, Katrina. It was good to be up on the roof. In a strange way I think it’s the only thing that had a chance of helping yesterday, so I’m glad I found my way there. And it’s a lot easier to be brave when there are so many kind people who show up and say just the right thing, so I thank you for that. And I’m sending you a lot of love ❤️🙏🏼
Sending the most humongous hug ever.
Thank you, Lisa. Gratefully received. Sending lots of love back to you ❤️
That is overwhelming, Ally. So sorry about your beautiful dog. And sorry about Martin – what a tragedy for his family. Love to you.
Thank you, Wendy. I really miss my boy, he was such a giant love muppet. And yes, it’s so sad about Martín. I hope they find the driver, though it won’t bring him back. But I think it would give his family some peace, or some sense of relief, anyway. Lots of love to you, I hope you’re well ❤️xx
My deepest condolences about your dog. I have always loved that picture of you two together. And the story about the gardener was just devastating. Wow.
Thank you, David. Funny thing, he would never let me take pictures of him willingly unless they were sneak attacks or selfies. No clue why lol.
And yes, I still cannot believe it. I’m so sad for Martín’s family, and right before the holidays, too. My heart hurts thinking about them 😔 Thank you for being here, and for your kindness 🤍
I've been thinking about this one for days, Ally, wanting to respond. It's gut-wrenching and beautiful. I'm so sorry for all of this loss, but grateful that you put words to it.
This really struck me: "We try to make sense out of everything, and some things are unfathomable. We try to keep it together when it’s the nature of things to fall apart." I always appreciate how your essays bring some hope and light to the incomprehensible, unavoidable messiness of being a loving person in the world.
Anyway, I hope you get to enjoy some lovely time with the kids over the holidays. It must be great having your son back home for a bit. All the best to you and the family.
Thank you so much, Rob. Appreciate this especially from you, as I know we’re on a similar grief trajectory/timeline. And yeah, was kind of talking to myself there, too, because I tend to want things to make sense, and some things never will. My obsessive mind struggles with this lol.
I’m VERY happy to have both kids under one roof, we’re definitely enjoying just being together. Best gift ever. And I’m wishing you and your family a wonderful holiday season. Lots of love ❤️
Oh god, I'm so sorry about the cremation situation. I think its brutal enough on pet owners without this sort of nonsense happening. I am sending a huge hug, I am sorry this holiday season needs to be rougher than it already is.
Thank you, Kari. Sending you giant hugs back. And lots of love. So grateful to have met you ❤️
This one hurt <3
I owed you at least one ;)
That’s fair <3
Ally! This essay had me in tears again and again. The writing is gorgeous. You take these stunning, deeply personal losses and make them universal. And as loss is, indeed, universal, it’s a gift to portray grief so beautifully. thank you.
Thank you so much, Holly, I appreciate that more than I can say. I feel like grief has been the primary theme of my last few years whether I would have chosen it or not, and writing about it helps me understand myself, and also make sense of the world to whatever degree any of us can do that (especially now!). I do hope it helps people who are grieving and might feel alone, and also people who might not see the grief baked into this whole contract of loving people and dogs and everything else that doesn’t last. It really upends you. So thank you for your words here, they mean the world to me ❤️
🥰
There's a movie about grief called Rabbit Hole. Stars Nicole Kidman. There's one particular scene between the mother and Nicole's character while they are in a basement that's poignantly poetic. The movie is thoroughly great, but man, that scene. It's therapy.
Well, you know I will be watching that now. Thanks for the recommendation, Cabot. And thanks for being you.
Have tissues on the ready. ❤️
In regards to burning, there is a special place in hell for individuals who are in the business of taking care of people at their most vulnerable (ie hospitals, funeral homes, pet cremations) that do not treat their customers with the kindness and respect that they deserve. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. And Martin...so awful. So. Fucking. Awful.
Last weekend at work a coworker mentioned her birthday was 12/31. I said "Must be a kick to have the world celebrate you with champagne and fireworks and all." She said things have been quiet since she lost her mother, her husband, and her daughter to COVID. I immediately went into an "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" daze. It feels like the world is in a weird horrible transition and it won't be satisfied until every last one of us has our mettle tested beyond belief.
I always defer to Anne Lamott when I'm not sure what else to say. “Hope is not about proving anything. It's about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us” seems to fit the moment. Sending love and hugs with an extra side of SERENITY NOW thrown in for good measure. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
You know, I do think that. I think love is bigger than all the rest of it, and that's the thing that keeps me going. Love for my children, my friends, people in these comments, people creating art - art itself, music, poetry, a great essay, a gorgeous moon, the love of a great dog, fresh bread out of the oven, having both my kids under one roof for a few weeks, watching my daughter turn into a woman right before my eyes - even sitting on the living room floor with my dog's head in my lap at the end. I wouldn't miss a single thing, even as the world breaks my heart, and yours, and any of us paying attention, again and again and again. I'd still choose this. So that's something. And yes, there is a special place in hell, even if hell is right here. What a waste to spend your precious time on this planet being cruel and selfish when you could be kind and loving. I adore you, Eileen <3
Hi Ally, I was going to say I don't have words to say, but I realised that's a silly thing to do when I'm about to follow it up with exactly that, words.
This was yet another brilliant essay and I absolutely loved it! My only frustration last week was some stupid idiot selling me broken CD boombox off Facebook market, but mainly my own naivity really, because I usually check stuff I buy. Though that was just £30 not like three hundred dollars.
I guess though any kind of betrayal like that dims a light we all have. I'm quite recovered from the loss of 30 pounds but I must admit, it kind of stayed, cos I'm writing about it aren't I?
On the other hand though, I've managed to get free dvd desks off a woman here in neighbourhood and built shelves around my desk that I was planning to do and have a budget of £50 for the wood from DIY store. I know I can balance the loss of 30 against the assumed gain there, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, life is a losing game. Of course I'm not trying to tell you that losing is easy, quite opposite, but I love how you totally wear your heart on your sleeve cos even on bad days, your essays make me feel better. Even if you seem to be writing about things that aren't necessarily good.
I'm really sorry for such a horrible experience with Chewy (I hope I got the name right). Though the thing that broke my heart was Martín.
Recently I've read a post about a 13 yo boy who stopped a kidnapper of his sister with a slingshot and someone said "well done for figuring out how to not kill someone whilst trying to save someone" or something along those lines, but I'm so fed up with stuff like that, especially violence against kids though, that I almost commented that in my opinion those who kidnap a child actually fucking deserve to be dead. Which is a bit harsh, brutal even, but I'm running out of patience with the world as it is now.
Your writing keeps me grounded. I love how you give us your self, hope. Please, unless you really can't, don't stop. I love reading your thoughts.
Much love as always. All the best to you and your family.
Namaste 🙏
Hey Peter! Ugh I’m sorry you dealt with some unfortunate unethical behavior, too. It’s a funny thing, I try not to let “one-off” stuff bother me (someone who cuts me off in traffic, or someone who doesn’t hold a door open when my arms are full etc), but when too many pile up, it’s disheartening. On the other hand, all it takes is one person to let me merge on the freeway, and my faith in humanity is restored 🤣
Anyway, I hope your week got better, and I’m wishing you and Anneke a very happy holiday season 🙏🏼❤️
I finished that with tears in my eyes. I really hope your dog finds his way home to you. I remember asking at the vet (where they did the cremation) if they would be careful with my dog's body because I could hardly stand to walk away from him, let alone allow someone else to handle him. I just couldn't picture any other way of moving him that wasn't akin to handling glass. I was relieved that he was being moved only a few yards away, but still, it is so hard putting trust in other people when you are in no state to make such decisions.
At the risk of sounding cheesy, new growth rises from the ashes. I feel like this essay was a green sprout among the black char. Of course that doesn't change anything or diminish your losses, and it shouldn't, but you have such a wonderful way of translating sorrow into beautiful, thoughtful words. That being said, I'm ready to declare wildfire season over for you!
Thank you for your kind words, Kate. It is such a terrible thing to lose our best friends who’ve loved us so purely and wholeheartedly and feel powerless to help them or do all the right things there at the end. Even if you do all the “right things” it doesn’t make it better, but at least there’s some sense of having done right by them. I feel like I let him down, which sucks. Even though I know it’s “just his body” I loved that body. I loved burying my face in his neck, and his big nose and sweet eyes and the way he always, always let my daughter rest on him when she was little. And maybe it’s extra upsetting because I felt like I didn’t do the right thing with my mom’s body after she passed. It’s like, it is “just a body” and I think you can feel that reality when someone passes, but it’s a body that housed a being who meant the world to you, so it’s sacred. Ugh I don’t know but anyway, I’m dealing with it. And your understanding really helped, so thank you. Sending you a lot of love ❤️
There's some zen or buddhist bullshit that Martha Beck quotes that whatever it is, it's already broken. But I can't think of the world like that. It's too painful. It's not broken now. (At least some things aren't.) I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful muppet friend. Show me a photo of Chewy. Just Chewy, no one else in the frame. Sending so much love...
Yes I can’t think of everything as broken, either. And I don’t think it is. All you have to do is step outside and look at the moon, or go and sit by the ocean. There’s nothing broken about the love of a good dog, or a good person. We still have poetry and music and each other. Just some things are broken and some people are really struggling here on earth. I will send you some pictures of my boy, Wendy ❤️ thank you so much xx