Reading this, I finally realized why "not all men" infuriates me. It's because that common male response to a story like Rebecca Cheptegei's turns the topic away from women, and male beastliness, to another opportunity to bray about themselves.
For women, these stories split the world open a little more each time we hear them. But men erase women completely in their pat response.
I'm sure that not all men will vote for Kamala Harris. But all women must, for ourselves, and for our daughters.
Yes, it’s exhausting when you express your heartache, outrage or despair, and are then instantly tasked with making sure you haven’t offended “one of the good ones.” But the good ones don’t need reassurance because they know who they are and so do we. One of the good ones would never respond that way, so it’s a tell.
I’m also really kind of done in by women who are either not going to vote, or are going to vote for the most reprehensible ticket I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. I heard from two of them today. One has been voting Republican her whole life, and the other is an RFK, Jr fan and sometimes I feel like I’m in upside down world. I tried to communicate and stay with it, but honestly I don’t think I made a dent.
If you can look at what’s happening to women and girls because of the abortion bans and look at what’s currently happening in Springfield and watch that debate and every other ridiculous thing that’s happened since he came down the escalator and STILL not know what you need to do in November, I don’t know what to say. I’m trying not to despair.
I am buoyed by the judge in North Dakota and the fact that Missouri got abortion on the ballot. We raised $1734 with the fundraiser I did last week, and I’m hopeful we’re going to move in a better direction in 52 days because the alternative is unthinkable.
As usual the comments here are life giving. I’m so grateful for all of you. Thank you for being here 🤍 Onward x
I wish I had better words to say other than, I'm sorry all of this happened to you, and I'm so glad you're wise and brave enough to write all of this. It's crucial.
I worry for my teen daughter, my nieces, younger sisters, and all the women in my life. I want so much better for them, for you, for everyone. I don't know how we get there, but I do know that being brave enough to stand up and tell stories and bring attention to them... that's how we start.
One of the things that is really helpful and comforting to me is seeing men who cherish their daughters and lift them up - and clearly respect and actually *like* the other women in their lives. If we'd never interacted, I still would have known this about you from your writing, because it's obvious and one can feel it. There are a few male writers I gravitate toward because of that and you are certainly one of them. I appreciate your comments, and I know you are someone who also wants this to change desperately. Thanks for being in the conversation, Rob.
One thing that always makes hands shake a bit is men that say that they finally got it when they had a daughter. I mean, great, I'm glad you're now onboard, but did you not have a mother or a sister or an aunt or a female friend that opened your eyes to how women navigate life differently? If not, you have a daughter, which means you have a wife/partner, right? Empathy involves seeing through others' eyes and attempting to understand their experiences even when you have no stake in it.
Ally, I think about you at 8 years old and how young that really is and I am heartbroken for that girl with the toothy grin trying to make sense of so much horrible shit. Sending love. ❤️
Thank you so much, Eileen, I felt that right in my heart. And I do know what you mean about how things change when men have daughters. I remember hearing through the grapevine that my most horrific ex (and let it be known, that is *quite* a title) had a daughter - and I remember thinking, well, you're about to understand some things. But I don't know how much it changed him because I never talked to him after I recovered from that relationship, and really could never be bothered to google the man.
I try to remember that we're all swimming in these waters, boys, too, and you can only know what you know. Just like we're getting messages about our worth and value in society, so are they. And I don't think it's serving them, either, even if there are obvious and notable benefits, like walking safely through the world and not having to be grateful just to exist. I still think the patriarchy is the root of toxic masculinity and editing out vulnerability and all kinds of other things that probably cause a lot of internalized rage, fear and insecurity. And sometimes the rage doesn't remain internal. I'm not excusing it, I just try to understand how we can be where we are. And I guess this is why I think it's so important to talk about it openly.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments, your humor, you insight and your kindness. Sending you a lot of love <3
We could probably form a very large club - Daughters of Dads Who Did Not Get It. I haven’t even mentioned that eventually my dad got a MASTERS IN WOMEN’S STUDIES and did his dissertation on the way women are portrayed in the media, and the cognitive dissonance of listening to a man who objectified and devastated so many women was like…next level. I don’t know how my head hasn’t exploded somewhere along the way tbh.
Oh my GOD!!!! I don’t know how it didn’t. That kind of cognitive dissonace is a special kind of torture. A roiling bag of contradictions. Mine did not go that far—he taught photography so . . .. Also thought he was a great friend to women. And loved to talk with me in great detail about what made a woman beautiful. Could never understand why it wasn’t my favorite topic of conversation.
I absolutely agree with you, Ally. Men are dealing with all sorts of unhealthy societal expectations. I watched “The Mask You Live In” years ago and it made me realize that boys are so pressured to show their masculinity through status and violence and they were stressed they couldn’t cry or be emotional with their friends and not be thought of as weak. Hopefully that is slowly being dismantled and rebuilt. There are lots of men with big supportive hearts, like @Sodaksteve for example. Just need to try to align with kind people and keep doing the work ❤️❤️❤️
Yes, my darling wonderful Ally. This is our world. We all grew up in this world. I idolized my father. He was gentle, handsome, talented, and smart. He was also a liar and a sex addict, though I found that out for sure when I cleaned out his apartment after he died. I didn't have to worry about buying him greeting cards on Father's Day, because I'd buy blank cards with interesting images, and then I'd pen the latest in a long history of what I think of now as love letters. I had no idea what I was doing. My unofficial, official job was to be his codependent staunch supporter. I did it really well. When I cleaned out his apartment, I discovered, along with his SA literature, a box filled with my letters. I sat down and started to read them and was frankly horrified. I still have them....material for the memoir. I loved my dad so much. I miss him. His life was complicated. But he was not my model of the kind of man I might end up with or even trust as a friend. I'm queer, by nature and probably by choice. I have a small handful of trusted, beloved male friends, queer and straight, and I'm happy about that. But even those lovely men who I welcome into my life have benefited by virtue of their sex due to the partriarchy. It's inescapable. What happened to all of them, that they are so damaged and privileged that they think it's okay to perpetrate one violation after another. I love your posts, Ally. You get my fire going, my ire piqued, and I want to stand with you and represent. The world is not a healthy place on the whole. But I'll never lose hope that we can do better. All of us. Lots of love to you, my friend.
Thank you so much, Nan. I lost some people (women!) with this essay, so I think it might have been too *much* ire for some, but I feel such despair and outrage about where we are, and some desperation, too. This is so much less than I want for all of us, men included, and so much less than we deserve as girls and women. And I'm using all these terms inclusively, I hope that goes without saying. It doesn't have to be like this, and shouldn't be. I don't see how we fix it without talking about it, though, even if it's painful, difficult and uncomfortable.
And I also resorted to the blank cards most years, though that always felt like a lot of space to fill lol. In the end, as hard as it was to navigate my relationship with him, I found it sort of amazing (hilarious/crazy/unbelievable) that I was the one who was his primary caregiver at the end of his life. It felt weirdly karmic, like I got tasked to do that at the beginning of my life and the end of his. Life is really something, and it sure helps to have a sense of humor, and a community of incredible people. Y'all save my sanity week after week, and restore my faith in humanity. Thank you for your wonderful comments, and for being here <3
"I also resorted to the blank cards most years, though that always felt like a lot of space to fill." I hear you! Though I have trouble imagining you ever running out of words!
I, too, was my father's primary caregiver in the last 5 years of his life, but I did have support as well. It wasn't amazing. I was still hooked. It was hard, and the only way I knew how to take a break was to get so depressed that I was hospitalized for a couple of months. Pretty intense "rest" cure. I'm sorry you lost some readers with this essay, and I completely agree that it's impossible to heal things if they don't come to light, if we don't mention them, yell in the streets about them, raise some hell about them. Impossible. The elephant in the room doesn't go away unless it's dealt with. I find you heroic and so brave and I am a staunch admirer of your world view, the love that you share, and your willingness to make yourself vulnerable in the service of freedom. Namaste, lovely. xoxo
Thank you so much, Nan. And it’s okay. I was kind of alarmed at first because I’ve never gotten so many “email disabled” emails (about a dozen), but I ended up finding many more new readers than I lost, and I wasn’t expecting that, either. I think the thing that concerned me was just hating to lose people over something I feel we have to talk about, but I also know this topic can be very triggering for people and of course I get that. There are also some people who feel very differently about politics as I learned from the shouty all-caps emails I got after Blessed Be the Fruit, lol. And I’m heartened that there are so many people who are ready to engage over this, the comments section continues to blow me away. As ever, your presence here is a gift and I treasure you!
Not all men? ALMOST ALL MEN! And always men. I recall teaching my then teenage daughter how to walk home in the middle of the street and look to both sides for men hiding between cars, or in the open on sidewalks. If you see or hear someone walking behind you and the person is male, stop, move away at least 30 yards and let him pass. Best to NEVER go anywhere alone; not even grocery shopping. Think about that. Despite defense training, and trying to follow the myriad of rules required for women to survive, my teenage daughter was sexually assaulted in a parking lot at 3 p.m.
As a retired female physician, I have dealt with male colleagues, administrators, and patients' patronizing attitudes and behavior that appears so often and easily, it seems innate. It is not. IT IS LEARNED!
How does someone put up a yard sign for Trump if they have a sister, or daughter, or wife, or mother, or if they know even one woman?! The sign screams "I approve of rape". Explain this to the females in your life. Also, explain to your son, brother, dad and male friends why lower taxes make rape ok. Explain it to me. I'm waiting.
Every word of this. And my god I’m so sorry about your daughter. I hope she’s okay. I don’t know how any of us are okay with the amount of violence and violation we deal with all the time. And the disrespect. I’m very grateful to connect with you, though. Solidarity and support helps so much. Sending you loads of love 🤍
It's a local story for me, so it's been popping up everywhere I read news online. My local news reported that a neighbor saw one of the women he drugged and raped leaving his house, stumbling around, totally disoriented, and asked if she needed help but the woman left in an Uber (WTF/yikes). There are so many details about this psycho that are infuriating, just like with every other similar story, but why oh why are there SO MANY stories about this sort of thing? They just keep coming. If it feels like we don't know where to begin when talking about men being monsters to women, it's probably because it feels like it will never end.
Those conversations you had with those two men re: the Kamala/Clinton issue and women needing to feel empowered by the patriarchy are a huge no for me. I'm glad you shut that guy down via text. And that other one...I can hear his sigh, I can see him glance at his watch, I can feel his boredom with your anger because I've been on the receiving end of that attitude, too. Not to be like fuck that guy...but fuck that guy!
Sounds like Andrew Luster. And brings to mind guys like Brock Turner and Steven van de Velde. And how sad is it that I can rattle off names of men who think it's okay to rape unconscious women? Or that it's a known thing not to leave your drink unattended? I had to share that with my 15-year-old daughter, because I know kids regularly try alcohol before they're of legal age. I've been at this rodeo a while. She got harassed on the street by some man a few months ago and she froze. I signed her up for self-defense lessons, and that's been great, but if someone drugs you there's nothing you can do. I don't want to get into it too much right now because I have to get ready for the podcast, but that's essentially what happened to me at 16.
And yeah, honestly, I'm on team "fuck that guy" too.
Just got horrible goosebumps because yes, same age. And it’s disgusting we all learned this. I got my daughter pepper spray because a man harassed her on the street and backed her up against a street light while FOUR OTHER MEN STOOD BY AND DID NOTHING. She’s 15. She’s doing self defense classes too but my god the rage I feel.
Every single time I read one of your pieces, I resonate with everything you write...from all the memories of creepy grown men harassing me and my teenage friends to buying cards for my father. I also used to stand way too long in front of Father's Day card displays since my dad was none of the things that these cards said a "dad" should be. I usually opted for a blank generic card at the end.
The part that infuriates me to the point of boiling rage about the headlines about Rebecca Cheptegei's murder is how most news organizations reported that she "died" from her injuries, not that she was MURDERED by her boyfriend. Or in the comments under news coverage of Dominique Pelicot where people question "how could she not know". The systems of patriarchy are so deeply ingrained in almost all cultures that it's such an uphill battle at all times, and then we get accused of not having a sense of humor or not being able to take a joke.
My god do I feel that. *USE THE CORRECT WORDS.* At the very least, if we're going to be murdered, could you call it what it is and not bury the violence in passive language? I felt that way with the Dave Grohl announcement, too, though with everything else going on, that was a blip (though certainly not to his wife and children. My heart hurts for those kids. My two kids are the exact ages of his two oldest, and let me tell you, they are old enough to understand everything, and it sucks). But this, "I've recently become the father of a baby girl born outside my marriage"....like, WHAT??? As if it happened while he was recording a song or something.
And people questioning how Gisèle could not know - women, even - really need to take a quiet minute to themsleves. Here's a woman going through chronic lapses in memory, hours of time she can't account for, thinking she has Alzheimer's. She's losing weight, inexplicably, losing hair, losing the use of her arm for a while. And she's having other symptoms and going to the gynecologist. With all of that happening, would pelvic pain raise your alarm bells that your husband is drugging and raping you? Let alone inviting other men to rape you as well? It's unthinkable and horrific. No one would guess that. The most you'd think is you had sex with your husband and didn't remember, since you aren't remembering a lot of things. I really wish people would think carefully before they speak or write about a woman or girl who has been assaulted. Or about women and girls generally.
And yeah, nothing better than that gaslighting, "Wow, you're so sensitive! It was just a joke, lighten up." Please...miss me with that.
As ever, thank you for your thoughtful comments. I appreciate them, and you, so much <3
One would think at the very least the gynecologist would be wondering about the husband’s fidelity. It’s all so horrific and I get so upset when I think of all these men who knew what was happening in that house - especially the two or three who left in horror - and still couldn’t find their way to call the police. Even an anonymous tip could have saved her so much pain. Smh.
Hi Ally, I really appreciate this one, because one of the things that got me into be more vigilant when it comes to how we treat women is having a daughter and I must say it's really scary how violent men are when they don't get what they want. It would be funny to enjoy Trump vs Harris show if it wasn't absurdly surreal what does he say and how does he acts and somehow, I don't know how, there are people who like him!
It's a really weird phenomenon, because yes, it's connected to patriarchy, but it's not just that. A few days ago I read how Kim in Korea got 30 officers executed because they apparently didn't do what they should during mass flooding and randomly today I came across the Khmer Rogue genocide so it feels like there's almost like a disease, similar to greed in humans and mostly men. The desire to control, own and command. It's really scary actually. I ocassionally wonder if it's something animal in us where we as species aren't as good as we portray.
I try to look for helpers as you suggested last time though.
I appreciate you spend time to write these, I love your opinions and how you see the world and I hope this world will get much better for women soon. I worry it won't be quick as I often wonder why there still are wars, which to me is evidence that something is fundamentally wrong with our society that has all the potential but yet we aren't that different from our primitive ancestors, still driven by the desires of our lizard brain.
Thanks for this though! It's good to see you angry, because it's fucked up!
Yes, haha, I'm definitely not that yoga teacher who wants people to cram everything into their Gratitude Folder, or who thinks it isn't okay to express anger. Anger is a natural emotion, and is sometimes (and lately, often) the only sane response.
I agree with you about wars and violence. One would have hoped we'd evolved beyond killing one another, taking what we want just because we want it, etc, etc. It feels very caveman and very sad that with all the progress, there are far too many human beings who just don't get the memo. One people, on one planet. 80-100 years. Just like, share the resources, coexist, let people live. It seems like it shouldn't be too complicated, but here we are.
And I know I've made my feelings about the election clear. It is truly unfathomable to me that anyone could vote for such a reprehensible ticket. Such an openly hostile, misogynistic, racist, bigoted bunch of people rallying around them is just, heartbreaking. If you saw it in a movie, you wouldn't believe it. And yet, here we are. I am hoping we move in the only sane direction in November. The alternative is a hellscape. Thank you for your comments as always, and thanks for being here. Love to you and Anneke <3
I totally understand your point about not knowing where to start with the 'shitty men we've encountered' stories. Started so early in childhood there wasn't even comprehension, and so constant over the years, I don't have brain space to even hold onto a lot of that. It's just a never-ending barrage of disappointment, misogyny, workplace exploitation, sexual harassment and worse. I have no idea how it came to be so embedded in humanity or how we unwind it. No amount of conversations or even laws seem to make a drop in the bucket. But you're right, the extremes of Gisele and Rebecca's stories are so incredibly painful. One would imagine we could use these examples to begin some real work here. Or is it just going to be another Sandy Hook, where no amount of horror makes people uncomfortable enough, it just normalizes even more atrocities.
I feel all of that, Heidi, and I really don't know. I hope talking about it might be the beginning of changing it. I don't know how much - or if - men understand that this is a way of being, a constant thing, like the air we breathe. I know when I was at the doctor's office with my son (he's almost 18), I didn't even have to say anything to him. He saw these two men and the way they were hounding the technician, and we exchanged a look. I had half my attention on her and the interaction, because I would have said something if it seemed like she wanted a hand. No one there can fire me, after all. But frankly, that is such a mild example of the crap we go through on the daily, most of us brush it off like it's nothing, and she took it in stride. I do wonder about the toll it takes on all of us to have a muscle we have to use to deal with the "mild" stuff. When we left the office, my son was so grossed out by the behavior of those men, it made me hopeful. I feel like the generation coming up now is better. I don't know that it's wildly better, but I definitely think there's more awareness about gender norms and how much they really screw us all up and how that manifests in all kinds of ways that have to do with feeling entitled to take up space...or not. That isn't the whole story, of course, but it feels significant.
I think women who have sons should talk to them openly about sex, consent, all of it. I have some very progressive, intelligent, funny, insightful women in my life, and I have been dismayed at times to see how even they don't feel comfortable having those conversations with their boys. When I tell you I have talked to my kid at length about this stuff, I mean it. He is not confused about consent, he knows porn is not where you go if you want to know what women like, I mean. It's not the whole story, either, but it's part of it. And I am not tasking women with more work here, I'm just saying part of shifting this whole mess is shifting everything. I've also talked to my daughter about relationships and sex so much more than my mother ever talked to me (which was not at all, so the bar was low, laugh/cry emoji). My daughter is also not confused about consent, communication, feeling safe and respected and on and on. But it's a beast of a problem and needs to be addressed from above, below, sideways...the whole thing needs to be dismantled.
And I really hope these horrific stories won't be just another Sandy Hook. I do worry that we have become acclimated to horror. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments, you got my wheels spinning. And thank you for being here <3
Spot on as always and brought up that feminine fury and the tears that are often stuffed beneath. I have 9 and 11 year old daughters. The worry I carry for them as I see how little our culture has changed….perhaps just better hidden. I call it the covert patriarchy. You can throw that one at your buddy suggesting you frame it in gratitude -insert eye roll.
I too have had far too many dicks pushed on me in all the various ways and I think we agree that one pushy dick is one too many. Thank you again for speaking up on this issue!
I was walking with my daughter and my neighbor’s daughter several years ago, heading to the playground. The girls were 7 and 9 and skipping ahead about 12 feet, and I saw these two men standing to the side watching them. Then one of them said something and started walking towards them, and the body language and everything else was all wrong. The girls stopped and looked back at me and the men saw me and froze. It probably all happened in 2-3 seconds, and I swear I scared myself. I was up on them in a flash and I ripped into them with the rage of a million women. I called them every name in the book and made up a few. My daughter and her friend still talk about it.
And yes, my “buddy” turns out to be a pretty disappointing guy. Such a bummer but oh well. I don’t have time for that.
Thanks so much for being here and thanks for sharing this essay, I appreciate it a lot 🤍 Love and solidarity xx
It’s all so exhausting. It’s honestly a wonder we don’t all combust daily from the rage. I’m with you, sister.
And funny, I recently wrote about my own Dad lawn mowing story. I suppose there’s no end to the creative ways in which our fathers can hurt and disappoint us and set us up poorly for the future.
It doesn’t stop. And given our current political situation, I’m triggered anew every single day. Because it’s not getting any better; it’s getting worse. I heard Brene Brown say once that maybe what we’re experiencing is just the last, violent gasp of the patriarchy. One can only hope…
And thanks for reading my piece and subscribing. 😊
I really hope this is the last gasp. I keep praying maybe *this* will be the thing that finally makes people realize this is completely toxic and has to stop. But more things keep happening so I just don’t know. Yours in hope and anguish, thank you again for being here 🤍🤍🤍
Your writing is compelling and I hope your photographic memory allows you to remember the good experiences as intensely as the bad. As a benefit of the patriarchy I have had the luxury of being often oblivious. I need to pay attention better.
Yes, I'm happy to say I remember the good memories in as much detail :) And honestly, just being open to the conversation and willing to try to understand is all anyone is asking for, because I think once that part is clear, anyone would feel compelled to be part of the solution. This isn't good for any of us. Thank you for being here <3
I’m sorry you had to retraumtize yourself with this “I don’t know where to start” litany. But I feel you so hard. It is the song of women/girls in NYC and in small town Illinois. You and I share this with women/girls around the world. I had not heard/ read the Trump blow job statement. Fucker. Thanks for bringing this to the page. I just found you. I will try to be on your FB live. XoxoSA
Hi Sandra, welcome to the conversation, and this beautiful community! And it really is everywhere - when I realized that I felt so much despair, and I still do. Despair and outrage and frustration because it just is not okay. And I appreciate so much how many of you show up in the comments and say me, too, because it makes it so abundantly clear to anyone who might doubt that this is something we are all dealing with all the time.
And it isn't easy to write about these things, but I wouldn't do it if I couldn't. I guess I'm hopeful if it starts to become clear to everyone that this is pervasive, maybe things will start to change. There are a lot of us, and I feel there's been so much shame wrapped up in these experiences, and it's not a coincidence, right? Girls and women are assaulted, they come forward, and then they're doubted and questioned. What was she wearing? How much did she have to drink? What's her sexual history? And you see this as a woman, so the message is, I'm going to be harassed or overlooked at work, or paid less for the job I have than a man with the same job. And if I'm attacked, people are going to doubt me, so maybe I want to keep it quiet. So we all just walk around feeling that somehow we brought it on ourselves, or we know we didn't, but are afraid of what will happen to us anyway - this different way we'll be violated - so we don't share. Not even with each other, sometimes. And on it goes.
At the very least, I think there's power in numbers, and in communicating and comforting each other and knowing we aren't alone. Now we just need to harness that power and head to the polls. That won't solve everything, obviously, but at least it isn't a free-fall off a cliff into an even worse situation. It's solid ground and a chance to start moving in a much better direction.
Thanks so much for being here, I'm glad you found me :) Lots of love.
As a trans man, I grew up surrounded by the same sexist garbage and expected to grin and bear it.
I said nothing when one of my male coworkers at my first job “joked” that I was sleeping with…pretty much all of our other male coworkers. I had no interest in any of them.
I did nothing when my brother, then in high school, made uncomfortable comments and “joked” about demeaning sex acts. I never told anyone when he flashed me when he was 14 and I was 16.
When people catcalled, or stared, or insisted that because I looked good I should be grateful—*grateful!*—to be leered at like a piece of meat, I rolled over and took it.
When my dad told me that he “let” my mom keep her teaching job because it made her happy—as if she needed anyone’s permission to keep doing her job—I didn’t tell my mom that he said that.
Because to do otherwise was dangerous. Dangerous in a way that cis men either can’t or don’t want to understand.
Exactly this. I don’t think most cis men understand the first thing a girl or woman does when meeting them is figure out which category they go in - dangerous or not dangerous. That’s the first thing that happens. Whatever else transpires happens after that. That alone should be enough reason for serious reflection. I’m sorry for the painful experiences you’ve gone through. We all deserve so much better than this. And I’m very glad you’re here 🤍
Which is why the last few years I’ve made a point of reading, watching, or listening to (not a common male trait, I know) women’s views and experiences about many topics. But the one I see most about is sexual harassment, assault, and violence by psychotic or entitled males (can be both and often are). The cultures of the whole world are societies seems to be based on a self-entitled club of locker room talk and bro-opinions. That’s a crude statement to make. But, it’s true.
As a person who seeks peace, freedom, and understanding, I feel often that I’m stepping over invisible lines or obstacles in search of truth. None is more apparent than women’s identity, simply for being one.
I admit that being gay opened my awareness to other aspects of women’s rights. I’m troubled that the kind of abuse women face exists between men in sexual relationships.
Dominance is a problem. Traditional male behavior raises boys to learn control. But not healthy emotional development. Emotionally I’ve been a ‘fish out of water’ my whole life because I didn’t trend. I act ‘straight’ (what does that even mean) but as a result of influence. We teach girls to accept the male attitude ‘as nature intended’. But boys arguably have it worse. We’re taught that ‘as nature intended’ is the proper order of things and the other gender was weak. Pride is good when joined in accomplishment with humility. But pride for men isn’t that. It’s arrogance. Also the women that follow that view (like in the House of Representatives).
As with the police force, the argument “we’re all not bad apples” isn’t good enough. It’s not going to solve itself. I need to get the word out, especially to young men who seem too influenced by bad male role models.
Hi Tom, thank you for your comments. I have a son so I’ve seen this whole thing in action, watching from an interesting (often enraging) vantage point the things said to my son and my daughter when they were little and as they’ve grown.
Once at a playground my son fell, he was about five. He scraped his knee enough that it was bleeding and as I comforted him and went for the first aid kit in my bag, some dad came over and said “hey, buddy, don’t cry, it’s just a scraped knee, you can take it,” and I told him crying was a normal reaction to pain and to being scared and maybe he’d benefit from a good cry. And went back to comforting my kid. The dad kind of scoffed and shook his head like I was one of “those moms” but just the idea of someone putting that BS ideology on my kid was unreal. And the fact that he felt entitled to try to parent my kid.
And on the other hand I remember being at a restaurant with my kids and when the server came to clear the plates, he said to my daughter “oh, you must have been hungry, you cleared your plate” but both kids had done that, so I asked him why he was commenting on what my daughter had eaten and not my son. It’s just endless and it’s everywhere and half the time people don’t even realize they’re perpetuating this crap.
Anyway thank you for being here and for your comments, it’s good to meet you 🤍
Thank you for this. I feel sadness and anger and resolve reading this, imagining your experience in each of those atrocious moments. I feel sad for who you could have been if you had not been subject to the deluge of disgusting behavior men continue to unfurl in individual ways and also from positions of power upon many. What would you have written today or last week if we as a gender and as a species had honored your Self, your body, your agency from the very start?
One of the difficult things is that there really is no particular place to begin, because men behaving as sexual predators is so pervasive that does not seem to begin (or end) anywhere.
I work with men in healing-oriented contexts (somatic workshops & retreats). Many of those I've worked with are dimly aware of this predatory part of themselves, and report feeling both powerless to and afraid of it. Of course, just bringing awareness to these parts lessens their threat and impact, at least to some extent. And the truth is that *most* men will never sit in circle with one another, and do not want these parts witnessed or examined, and will never wake up to their own complicity in causing or having caused so much harm to women.
The wound of superiority is deep, and may take many generations to heal. And, though not nearly quickly enough, it is happening. Men are opening their eyes and beginning to grok not just systems of oppression and conditioning and our participation, but also what lasciviousness feels like in our bodies in a given moment, and how to work with it internally instead of projecting it outward. Those who become fathers, as with many of the commenters here, are quicker to wake up, and the stakes are higher.
I have met many 'cycle breakers', who once committed to not have children until or unless they were able to make progress to heal cycles of abuse/narcissism/violence/shame within themselves and their lines. Though I count myself among these, not one of us is an exception.
There is no 'not all men.' Most claims to that end come from fragile egos--those who can't stand to think of themselves or their loved ones as capable of causing harm.
We are all capable, and culpable.
The big question is whether we can hold our capacity and our culpability and choose life-giving action. Male conditioning, with all of its illusions and shame, is firmly installed within each of us, and it cannot just be switched off. Infuriatingly, most shaming of it just feeds the gnarled beast.
All of which is why it is so important for men to cultivate a loving connection to the feminine within ourselves (it lives in each of us also), and to build a profound respect for our female co-workers, friends, partners, daughters, nieces and aunties and grandmothers and the girls and women in the streets and elevators and subways. And to let that deep and boundless respect infuse our bodies, hearts, thoughts, and most importantly, our sexual desire.
I appreciate your comments here, Sean, and the work you’re doing out in the world. It’s good to know workshops like yours are happening. I think the current system is toxic for everyone.
One thing I didn’t mention in this essay is the man who grabbed me in the stairwell…when I got free of him I started backing up the stairs facing him. I didn’t want to turn my back on him so I was sort of crab-walking up the stairs and wailing. But when our eyes met I remember feeling confused because he looked terrified, too. I don’t know if he was simply afraid of being caught, or horrified by my fear and despair or what it was, but I know that I saw that before he turned and ran down the stairs and out the door onto Broadway.
That’s the only time a man looked scared in the midst of an assault, but it stayed with me. I think some men feel no remorse, and some men feel deep shame.
Anyway, thank you for your comments, and I wish you the very best with the meaningful work that you’re doing.
Reading this, I finally realized why "not all men" infuriates me. It's because that common male response to a story like Rebecca Cheptegei's turns the topic away from women, and male beastliness, to another opportunity to bray about themselves.
For women, these stories split the world open a little more each time we hear them. But men erase women completely in their pat response.
I'm sure that not all men will vote for Kamala Harris. But all women must, for ourselves, and for our daughters.
Yes, it’s exhausting when you express your heartache, outrage or despair, and are then instantly tasked with making sure you haven’t offended “one of the good ones.” But the good ones don’t need reassurance because they know who they are and so do we. One of the good ones would never respond that way, so it’s a tell.
I’m also really kind of done in by women who are either not going to vote, or are going to vote for the most reprehensible ticket I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. I heard from two of them today. One has been voting Republican her whole life, and the other is an RFK, Jr fan and sometimes I feel like I’m in upside down world. I tried to communicate and stay with it, but honestly I don’t think I made a dent.
If you can look at what’s happening to women and girls because of the abortion bans and look at what’s currently happening in Springfield and watch that debate and every other ridiculous thing that’s happened since he came down the escalator and STILL not know what you need to do in November, I don’t know what to say. I’m trying not to despair.
I am buoyed by the judge in North Dakota and the fact that Missouri got abortion on the ballot. We raised $1734 with the fundraiser I did last week, and I’m hopeful we’re going to move in a better direction in 52 days because the alternative is unthinkable.
As usual the comments here are life giving. I’m so grateful for all of you. Thank you for being here 🤍 Onward x
It’s why I love the meme response: “Not all men, but definitely this fucking guy.”
I haven't seen that, but it's excellent.
That’s gold.
I wish I had better words to say other than, I'm sorry all of this happened to you, and I'm so glad you're wise and brave enough to write all of this. It's crucial.
I worry for my teen daughter, my nieces, younger sisters, and all the women in my life. I want so much better for them, for you, for everyone. I don't know how we get there, but I do know that being brave enough to stand up and tell stories and bring attention to them... that's how we start.
One of the things that is really helpful and comforting to me is seeing men who cherish their daughters and lift them up - and clearly respect and actually *like* the other women in their lives. If we'd never interacted, I still would have known this about you from your writing, because it's obvious and one can feel it. There are a few male writers I gravitate toward because of that and you are certainly one of them. I appreciate your comments, and I know you are someone who also wants this to change desperately. Thanks for being in the conversation, Rob.
Happens. Present tense. Now. HAPPENS.
You’re so right. Thank you.
Beautifully expressed as always, Ally.
One thing that always makes hands shake a bit is men that say that they finally got it when they had a daughter. I mean, great, I'm glad you're now onboard, but did you not have a mother or a sister or an aunt or a female friend that opened your eyes to how women navigate life differently? If not, you have a daughter, which means you have a wife/partner, right? Empathy involves seeing through others' eyes and attempting to understand their experiences even when you have no stake in it.
Ally, I think about you at 8 years old and how young that really is and I am heartbroken for that girl with the toothy grin trying to make sense of so much horrible shit. Sending love. ❤️
Thank you so much, Eileen, I felt that right in my heart. And I do know what you mean about how things change when men have daughters. I remember hearing through the grapevine that my most horrific ex (and let it be known, that is *quite* a title) had a daughter - and I remember thinking, well, you're about to understand some things. But I don't know how much it changed him because I never talked to him after I recovered from that relationship, and really could never be bothered to google the man.
I try to remember that we're all swimming in these waters, boys, too, and you can only know what you know. Just like we're getting messages about our worth and value in society, so are they. And I don't think it's serving them, either, even if there are obvious and notable benefits, like walking safely through the world and not having to be grateful just to exist. I still think the patriarchy is the root of toxic masculinity and editing out vulnerability and all kinds of other things that probably cause a lot of internalized rage, fear and insecurity. And sometimes the rage doesn't remain internal. I'm not excusing it, I just try to understand how we can be where we are. And I guess this is why I think it's so important to talk about it openly.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments, your humor, you insight and your kindness. Sending you a lot of love <3
My dad said he “got it” when he had a daughter. But it wasn’t true in the least. He did not get it at all.
We could probably form a very large club - Daughters of Dads Who Did Not Get It. I haven’t even mentioned that eventually my dad got a MASTERS IN WOMEN’S STUDIES and did his dissertation on the way women are portrayed in the media, and the cognitive dissonance of listening to a man who objectified and devastated so many women was like…next level. I don’t know how my head hasn’t exploded somewhere along the way tbh.
Oh my GOD!!!! I don’t know how it didn’t. That kind of cognitive dissonace is a special kind of torture. A roiling bag of contradictions. Mine did not go that far—he taught photography so . . .. Also thought he was a great friend to women. And loved to talk with me in great detail about what made a woman beautiful. Could never understand why it wasn’t my favorite topic of conversation.
I think that’s the worst kind of “getting it”, when you believe there’s a chance.
I absolutely agree with you, Ally. Men are dealing with all sorts of unhealthy societal expectations. I watched “The Mask You Live In” years ago and it made me realize that boys are so pressured to show their masculinity through status and violence and they were stressed they couldn’t cry or be emotional with their friends and not be thought of as weak. Hopefully that is slowly being dismantled and rebuilt. There are lots of men with big supportive hearts, like @Sodaksteve for example. Just need to try to align with kind people and keep doing the work ❤️❤️❤️
Yes, my darling wonderful Ally. This is our world. We all grew up in this world. I idolized my father. He was gentle, handsome, talented, and smart. He was also a liar and a sex addict, though I found that out for sure when I cleaned out his apartment after he died. I didn't have to worry about buying him greeting cards on Father's Day, because I'd buy blank cards with interesting images, and then I'd pen the latest in a long history of what I think of now as love letters. I had no idea what I was doing. My unofficial, official job was to be his codependent staunch supporter. I did it really well. When I cleaned out his apartment, I discovered, along with his SA literature, a box filled with my letters. I sat down and started to read them and was frankly horrified. I still have them....material for the memoir. I loved my dad so much. I miss him. His life was complicated. But he was not my model of the kind of man I might end up with or even trust as a friend. I'm queer, by nature and probably by choice. I have a small handful of trusted, beloved male friends, queer and straight, and I'm happy about that. But even those lovely men who I welcome into my life have benefited by virtue of their sex due to the partriarchy. It's inescapable. What happened to all of them, that they are so damaged and privileged that they think it's okay to perpetrate one violation after another. I love your posts, Ally. You get my fire going, my ire piqued, and I want to stand with you and represent. The world is not a healthy place on the whole. But I'll never lose hope that we can do better. All of us. Lots of love to you, my friend.
Thank you so much, Nan. I lost some people (women!) with this essay, so I think it might have been too *much* ire for some, but I feel such despair and outrage about where we are, and some desperation, too. This is so much less than I want for all of us, men included, and so much less than we deserve as girls and women. And I'm using all these terms inclusively, I hope that goes without saying. It doesn't have to be like this, and shouldn't be. I don't see how we fix it without talking about it, though, even if it's painful, difficult and uncomfortable.
And I also resorted to the blank cards most years, though that always felt like a lot of space to fill lol. In the end, as hard as it was to navigate my relationship with him, I found it sort of amazing (hilarious/crazy/unbelievable) that I was the one who was his primary caregiver at the end of his life. It felt weirdly karmic, like I got tasked to do that at the beginning of my life and the end of his. Life is really something, and it sure helps to have a sense of humor, and a community of incredible people. Y'all save my sanity week after week, and restore my faith in humanity. Thank you for your wonderful comments, and for being here <3
"I also resorted to the blank cards most years, though that always felt like a lot of space to fill." I hear you! Though I have trouble imagining you ever running out of words!
I, too, was my father's primary caregiver in the last 5 years of his life, but I did have support as well. It wasn't amazing. I was still hooked. It was hard, and the only way I knew how to take a break was to get so depressed that I was hospitalized for a couple of months. Pretty intense "rest" cure. I'm sorry you lost some readers with this essay, and I completely agree that it's impossible to heal things if they don't come to light, if we don't mention them, yell in the streets about them, raise some hell about them. Impossible. The elephant in the room doesn't go away unless it's dealt with. I find you heroic and so brave and I am a staunch admirer of your world view, the love that you share, and your willingness to make yourself vulnerable in the service of freedom. Namaste, lovely. xoxo
Thank you so much, Nan. And it’s okay. I was kind of alarmed at first because I’ve never gotten so many “email disabled” emails (about a dozen), but I ended up finding many more new readers than I lost, and I wasn’t expecting that, either. I think the thing that concerned me was just hating to lose people over something I feel we have to talk about, but I also know this topic can be very triggering for people and of course I get that. There are also some people who feel very differently about politics as I learned from the shouty all-caps emails I got after Blessed Be the Fruit, lol. And I’m heartened that there are so many people who are ready to engage over this, the comments section continues to blow me away. As ever, your presence here is a gift and I treasure you!
xoxo. Back at you, sweetie!
Not all men? ALMOST ALL MEN! And always men. I recall teaching my then teenage daughter how to walk home in the middle of the street and look to both sides for men hiding between cars, or in the open on sidewalks. If you see or hear someone walking behind you and the person is male, stop, move away at least 30 yards and let him pass. Best to NEVER go anywhere alone; not even grocery shopping. Think about that. Despite defense training, and trying to follow the myriad of rules required for women to survive, my teenage daughter was sexually assaulted in a parking lot at 3 p.m.
As a retired female physician, I have dealt with male colleagues, administrators, and patients' patronizing attitudes and behavior that appears so often and easily, it seems innate. It is not. IT IS LEARNED!
How does someone put up a yard sign for Trump if they have a sister, or daughter, or wife, or mother, or if they know even one woman?! The sign screams "I approve of rape". Explain this to the females in your life. Also, explain to your son, brother, dad and male friends why lower taxes make rape ok. Explain it to me. I'm waiting.
Every word of this. And my god I’m so sorry about your daughter. I hope she’s okay. I don’t know how any of us are okay with the amount of violence and violation we deal with all the time. And the disrespect. I’m very grateful to connect with you, though. Solidarity and support helps so much. Sending you loads of love 🤍
I don't want to be a downer, but here's another sick story about how shitty men are to women: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/11/us/andrew-gallo-bucks-county-man-assault.html
It's a local story for me, so it's been popping up everywhere I read news online. My local news reported that a neighbor saw one of the women he drugged and raped leaving his house, stumbling around, totally disoriented, and asked if she needed help but the woman left in an Uber (WTF/yikes). There are so many details about this psycho that are infuriating, just like with every other similar story, but why oh why are there SO MANY stories about this sort of thing? They just keep coming. If it feels like we don't know where to begin when talking about men being monsters to women, it's probably because it feels like it will never end.
Those conversations you had with those two men re: the Kamala/Clinton issue and women needing to feel empowered by the patriarchy are a huge no for me. I'm glad you shut that guy down via text. And that other one...I can hear his sigh, I can see him glance at his watch, I can feel his boredom with your anger because I've been on the receiving end of that attitude, too. Not to be like fuck that guy...but fuck that guy!
Sounds like Andrew Luster. And brings to mind guys like Brock Turner and Steven van de Velde. And how sad is it that I can rattle off names of men who think it's okay to rape unconscious women? Or that it's a known thing not to leave your drink unattended? I had to share that with my 15-year-old daughter, because I know kids regularly try alcohol before they're of legal age. I've been at this rodeo a while. She got harassed on the street by some man a few months ago and she froze. I signed her up for self-defense lessons, and that's been great, but if someone drugs you there's nothing you can do. I don't want to get into it too much right now because I have to get ready for the podcast, but that's essentially what happened to me at 16.
And yeah, honestly, I'm on team "fuck that guy" too.
How old were you when you learned how to hold your keys as an eye-gouge for self-defense? I was 9 or 10.
And we shouldn’t have to be teaching girls to do this, ffs. We should be teaching boys that women are people!
Just got horrible goosebumps because yes, same age. And it’s disgusting we all learned this. I got my daughter pepper spray because a man harassed her on the street and backed her up against a street light while FOUR OTHER MEN STOOD BY AND DID NOTHING. She’s 15. She’s doing self defense classes too but my god the rage I feel.
That’s appropriate. Fuck that guy.
Every single time I read one of your pieces, I resonate with everything you write...from all the memories of creepy grown men harassing me and my teenage friends to buying cards for my father. I also used to stand way too long in front of Father's Day card displays since my dad was none of the things that these cards said a "dad" should be. I usually opted for a blank generic card at the end.
The part that infuriates me to the point of boiling rage about the headlines about Rebecca Cheptegei's murder is how most news organizations reported that she "died" from her injuries, not that she was MURDERED by her boyfriend. Or in the comments under news coverage of Dominique Pelicot where people question "how could she not know". The systems of patriarchy are so deeply ingrained in almost all cultures that it's such an uphill battle at all times, and then we get accused of not having a sense of humor or not being able to take a joke.
My god do I feel that. *USE THE CORRECT WORDS.* At the very least, if we're going to be murdered, could you call it what it is and not bury the violence in passive language? I felt that way with the Dave Grohl announcement, too, though with everything else going on, that was a blip (though certainly not to his wife and children. My heart hurts for those kids. My two kids are the exact ages of his two oldest, and let me tell you, they are old enough to understand everything, and it sucks). But this, "I've recently become the father of a baby girl born outside my marriage"....like, WHAT??? As if it happened while he was recording a song or something.
And people questioning how Gisèle could not know - women, even - really need to take a quiet minute to themsleves. Here's a woman going through chronic lapses in memory, hours of time she can't account for, thinking she has Alzheimer's. She's losing weight, inexplicably, losing hair, losing the use of her arm for a while. And she's having other symptoms and going to the gynecologist. With all of that happening, would pelvic pain raise your alarm bells that your husband is drugging and raping you? Let alone inviting other men to rape you as well? It's unthinkable and horrific. No one would guess that. The most you'd think is you had sex with your husband and didn't remember, since you aren't remembering a lot of things. I really wish people would think carefully before they speak or write about a woman or girl who has been assaulted. Or about women and girls generally.
And yeah, nothing better than that gaslighting, "Wow, you're so sensitive! It was just a joke, lighten up." Please...miss me with that.
As ever, thank you for your thoughtful comments. I appreciate them, and you, so much <3
I understand that she didn’t know. I do wonder if the gynecologist had suspicions.
One would think at the very least the gynecologist would be wondering about the husband’s fidelity. It’s all so horrific and I get so upset when I think of all these men who knew what was happening in that house - especially the two or three who left in horror - and still couldn’t find their way to call the police. Even an anonymous tip could have saved her so much pain. Smh.
Hi Ally, I really appreciate this one, because one of the things that got me into be more vigilant when it comes to how we treat women is having a daughter and I must say it's really scary how violent men are when they don't get what they want. It would be funny to enjoy Trump vs Harris show if it wasn't absurdly surreal what does he say and how does he acts and somehow, I don't know how, there are people who like him!
It's a really weird phenomenon, because yes, it's connected to patriarchy, but it's not just that. A few days ago I read how Kim in Korea got 30 officers executed because they apparently didn't do what they should during mass flooding and randomly today I came across the Khmer Rogue genocide so it feels like there's almost like a disease, similar to greed in humans and mostly men. The desire to control, own and command. It's really scary actually. I ocassionally wonder if it's something animal in us where we as species aren't as good as we portray.
I try to look for helpers as you suggested last time though.
I appreciate you spend time to write these, I love your opinions and how you see the world and I hope this world will get much better for women soon. I worry it won't be quick as I often wonder why there still are wars, which to me is evidence that something is fundamentally wrong with our society that has all the potential but yet we aren't that different from our primitive ancestors, still driven by the desires of our lizard brain.
Thanks for this though! It's good to see you angry, because it's fucked up!
All the best to you and your family as always.
Namaste 🙏
Yes, haha, I'm definitely not that yoga teacher who wants people to cram everything into their Gratitude Folder, or who thinks it isn't okay to express anger. Anger is a natural emotion, and is sometimes (and lately, often) the only sane response.
I agree with you about wars and violence. One would have hoped we'd evolved beyond killing one another, taking what we want just because we want it, etc, etc. It feels very caveman and very sad that with all the progress, there are far too many human beings who just don't get the memo. One people, on one planet. 80-100 years. Just like, share the resources, coexist, let people live. It seems like it shouldn't be too complicated, but here we are.
And I know I've made my feelings about the election clear. It is truly unfathomable to me that anyone could vote for such a reprehensible ticket. Such an openly hostile, misogynistic, racist, bigoted bunch of people rallying around them is just, heartbreaking. If you saw it in a movie, you wouldn't believe it. And yet, here we are. I am hoping we move in the only sane direction in November. The alternative is a hellscape. Thank you for your comments as always, and thanks for being here. Love to you and Anneke <3
I totally understand your point about not knowing where to start with the 'shitty men we've encountered' stories. Started so early in childhood there wasn't even comprehension, and so constant over the years, I don't have brain space to even hold onto a lot of that. It's just a never-ending barrage of disappointment, misogyny, workplace exploitation, sexual harassment and worse. I have no idea how it came to be so embedded in humanity or how we unwind it. No amount of conversations or even laws seem to make a drop in the bucket. But you're right, the extremes of Gisele and Rebecca's stories are so incredibly painful. One would imagine we could use these examples to begin some real work here. Or is it just going to be another Sandy Hook, where no amount of horror makes people uncomfortable enough, it just normalizes even more atrocities.
I feel all of that, Heidi, and I really don't know. I hope talking about it might be the beginning of changing it. I don't know how much - or if - men understand that this is a way of being, a constant thing, like the air we breathe. I know when I was at the doctor's office with my son (he's almost 18), I didn't even have to say anything to him. He saw these two men and the way they were hounding the technician, and we exchanged a look. I had half my attention on her and the interaction, because I would have said something if it seemed like she wanted a hand. No one there can fire me, after all. But frankly, that is such a mild example of the crap we go through on the daily, most of us brush it off like it's nothing, and she took it in stride. I do wonder about the toll it takes on all of us to have a muscle we have to use to deal with the "mild" stuff. When we left the office, my son was so grossed out by the behavior of those men, it made me hopeful. I feel like the generation coming up now is better. I don't know that it's wildly better, but I definitely think there's more awareness about gender norms and how much they really screw us all up and how that manifests in all kinds of ways that have to do with feeling entitled to take up space...or not. That isn't the whole story, of course, but it feels significant.
I think women who have sons should talk to them openly about sex, consent, all of it. I have some very progressive, intelligent, funny, insightful women in my life, and I have been dismayed at times to see how even they don't feel comfortable having those conversations with their boys. When I tell you I have talked to my kid at length about this stuff, I mean it. He is not confused about consent, he knows porn is not where you go if you want to know what women like, I mean. It's not the whole story, either, but it's part of it. And I am not tasking women with more work here, I'm just saying part of shifting this whole mess is shifting everything. I've also talked to my daughter about relationships and sex so much more than my mother ever talked to me (which was not at all, so the bar was low, laugh/cry emoji). My daughter is also not confused about consent, communication, feeling safe and respected and on and on. But it's a beast of a problem and needs to be addressed from above, below, sideways...the whole thing needs to be dismantled.
And I really hope these horrific stories won't be just another Sandy Hook. I do worry that we have become acclimated to horror. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments, you got my wheels spinning. And thank you for being here <3
Spot on as always and brought up that feminine fury and the tears that are often stuffed beneath. I have 9 and 11 year old daughters. The worry I carry for them as I see how little our culture has changed….perhaps just better hidden. I call it the covert patriarchy. You can throw that one at your buddy suggesting you frame it in gratitude -insert eye roll.
I too have had far too many dicks pushed on me in all the various ways and I think we agree that one pushy dick is one too many. Thank you again for speaking up on this issue!
With love and strength,
Kealee
I was walking with my daughter and my neighbor’s daughter several years ago, heading to the playground. The girls were 7 and 9 and skipping ahead about 12 feet, and I saw these two men standing to the side watching them. Then one of them said something and started walking towards them, and the body language and everything else was all wrong. The girls stopped and looked back at me and the men saw me and froze. It probably all happened in 2-3 seconds, and I swear I scared myself. I was up on them in a flash and I ripped into them with the rage of a million women. I called them every name in the book and made up a few. My daughter and her friend still talk about it.
And yes, my “buddy” turns out to be a pretty disappointing guy. Such a bummer but oh well. I don’t have time for that.
Thanks so much for being here and thanks for sharing this essay, I appreciate it a lot 🤍 Love and solidarity xx
It’s all so exhausting. It’s honestly a wonder we don’t all combust daily from the rage. I’m with you, sister.
And funny, I recently wrote about my own Dad lawn mowing story. I suppose there’s no end to the creative ways in which our fathers can hurt and disappoint us and set us up poorly for the future.
https://thegoldfish.substack.com/p/the-gold-fish-together-then-22
It is all exhausting and depleting and I’m so over it. And it really doesn’t stop.
And I LOVED your piece. I’ll have to go back and read in order, but I just loved it.
It doesn’t stop. And given our current political situation, I’m triggered anew every single day. Because it’s not getting any better; it’s getting worse. I heard Brene Brown say once that maybe what we’re experiencing is just the last, violent gasp of the patriarchy. One can only hope…
And thanks for reading my piece and subscribing. 😊
I really hope this is the last gasp. I keep praying maybe *this* will be the thing that finally makes people realize this is completely toxic and has to stop. But more things keep happening so I just don’t know. Yours in hope and anguish, thank you again for being here 🤍🤍🤍
Same! Yours in hope! 🤍
Your writing is compelling and I hope your photographic memory allows you to remember the good experiences as intensely as the bad. As a benefit of the patriarchy I have had the luxury of being often oblivious. I need to pay attention better.
Yes, I'm happy to say I remember the good memories in as much detail :) And honestly, just being open to the conversation and willing to try to understand is all anyone is asking for, because I think once that part is clear, anyone would feel compelled to be part of the solution. This isn't good for any of us. Thank you for being here <3
I’m sorry you had to retraumtize yourself with this “I don’t know where to start” litany. But I feel you so hard. It is the song of women/girls in NYC and in small town Illinois. You and I share this with women/girls around the world. I had not heard/ read the Trump blow job statement. Fucker. Thanks for bringing this to the page. I just found you. I will try to be on your FB live. XoxoSA
Hi Sandra, welcome to the conversation, and this beautiful community! And it really is everywhere - when I realized that I felt so much despair, and I still do. Despair and outrage and frustration because it just is not okay. And I appreciate so much how many of you show up in the comments and say me, too, because it makes it so abundantly clear to anyone who might doubt that this is something we are all dealing with all the time.
And it isn't easy to write about these things, but I wouldn't do it if I couldn't. I guess I'm hopeful if it starts to become clear to everyone that this is pervasive, maybe things will start to change. There are a lot of us, and I feel there's been so much shame wrapped up in these experiences, and it's not a coincidence, right? Girls and women are assaulted, they come forward, and then they're doubted and questioned. What was she wearing? How much did she have to drink? What's her sexual history? And you see this as a woman, so the message is, I'm going to be harassed or overlooked at work, or paid less for the job I have than a man with the same job. And if I'm attacked, people are going to doubt me, so maybe I want to keep it quiet. So we all just walk around feeling that somehow we brought it on ourselves, or we know we didn't, but are afraid of what will happen to us anyway - this different way we'll be violated - so we don't share. Not even with each other, sometimes. And on it goes.
At the very least, I think there's power in numbers, and in communicating and comforting each other and knowing we aren't alone. Now we just need to harness that power and head to the polls. That won't solve everything, obviously, but at least it isn't a free-fall off a cliff into an even worse situation. It's solid ground and a chance to start moving in a much better direction.
Thanks so much for being here, I'm glad you found me :) Lots of love.
As a trans man, I grew up surrounded by the same sexist garbage and expected to grin and bear it.
I said nothing when one of my male coworkers at my first job “joked” that I was sleeping with…pretty much all of our other male coworkers. I had no interest in any of them.
I did nothing when my brother, then in high school, made uncomfortable comments and “joked” about demeaning sex acts. I never told anyone when he flashed me when he was 14 and I was 16.
When people catcalled, or stared, or insisted that because I looked good I should be grateful—*grateful!*—to be leered at like a piece of meat, I rolled over and took it.
When my dad told me that he “let” my mom keep her teaching job because it made her happy—as if she needed anyone’s permission to keep doing her job—I didn’t tell my mom that he said that.
Because to do otherwise was dangerous. Dangerous in a way that cis men either can’t or don’t want to understand.
Exactly this. I don’t think most cis men understand the first thing a girl or woman does when meeting them is figure out which category they go in - dangerous or not dangerous. That’s the first thing that happens. Whatever else transpires happens after that. That alone should be enough reason for serious reflection. I’m sorry for the painful experiences you’ve gone through. We all deserve so much better than this. And I’m very glad you’re here 🤍
Which is why the last few years I’ve made a point of reading, watching, or listening to (not a common male trait, I know) women’s views and experiences about many topics. But the one I see most about is sexual harassment, assault, and violence by psychotic or entitled males (can be both and often are). The cultures of the whole world are societies seems to be based on a self-entitled club of locker room talk and bro-opinions. That’s a crude statement to make. But, it’s true.
As a person who seeks peace, freedom, and understanding, I feel often that I’m stepping over invisible lines or obstacles in search of truth. None is more apparent than women’s identity, simply for being one.
I admit that being gay opened my awareness to other aspects of women’s rights. I’m troubled that the kind of abuse women face exists between men in sexual relationships.
Dominance is a problem. Traditional male behavior raises boys to learn control. But not healthy emotional development. Emotionally I’ve been a ‘fish out of water’ my whole life because I didn’t trend. I act ‘straight’ (what does that even mean) but as a result of influence. We teach girls to accept the male attitude ‘as nature intended’. But boys arguably have it worse. We’re taught that ‘as nature intended’ is the proper order of things and the other gender was weak. Pride is good when joined in accomplishment with humility. But pride for men isn’t that. It’s arrogance. Also the women that follow that view (like in the House of Representatives).
As with the police force, the argument “we’re all not bad apples” isn’t good enough. It’s not going to solve itself. I need to get the word out, especially to young men who seem too influenced by bad male role models.
— Tom
Hi Tom, thank you for your comments. I have a son so I’ve seen this whole thing in action, watching from an interesting (often enraging) vantage point the things said to my son and my daughter when they were little and as they’ve grown.
Once at a playground my son fell, he was about five. He scraped his knee enough that it was bleeding and as I comforted him and went for the first aid kit in my bag, some dad came over and said “hey, buddy, don’t cry, it’s just a scraped knee, you can take it,” and I told him crying was a normal reaction to pain and to being scared and maybe he’d benefit from a good cry. And went back to comforting my kid. The dad kind of scoffed and shook his head like I was one of “those moms” but just the idea of someone putting that BS ideology on my kid was unreal. And the fact that he felt entitled to try to parent my kid.
And on the other hand I remember being at a restaurant with my kids and when the server came to clear the plates, he said to my daughter “oh, you must have been hungry, you cleared your plate” but both kids had done that, so I asked him why he was commenting on what my daughter had eaten and not my son. It’s just endless and it’s everywhere and half the time people don’t even realize they’re perpetuating this crap.
Anyway thank you for being here and for your comments, it’s good to meet you 🤍
Thank you for this. I feel sadness and anger and resolve reading this, imagining your experience in each of those atrocious moments. I feel sad for who you could have been if you had not been subject to the deluge of disgusting behavior men continue to unfurl in individual ways and also from positions of power upon many. What would you have written today or last week if we as a gender and as a species had honored your Self, your body, your agency from the very start?
One of the difficult things is that there really is no particular place to begin, because men behaving as sexual predators is so pervasive that does not seem to begin (or end) anywhere.
I work with men in healing-oriented contexts (somatic workshops & retreats). Many of those I've worked with are dimly aware of this predatory part of themselves, and report feeling both powerless to and afraid of it. Of course, just bringing awareness to these parts lessens their threat and impact, at least to some extent. And the truth is that *most* men will never sit in circle with one another, and do not want these parts witnessed or examined, and will never wake up to their own complicity in causing or having caused so much harm to women.
The wound of superiority is deep, and may take many generations to heal. And, though not nearly quickly enough, it is happening. Men are opening their eyes and beginning to grok not just systems of oppression and conditioning and our participation, but also what lasciviousness feels like in our bodies in a given moment, and how to work with it internally instead of projecting it outward. Those who become fathers, as with many of the commenters here, are quicker to wake up, and the stakes are higher.
I have met many 'cycle breakers', who once committed to not have children until or unless they were able to make progress to heal cycles of abuse/narcissism/violence/shame within themselves and their lines. Though I count myself among these, not one of us is an exception.
There is no 'not all men.' Most claims to that end come from fragile egos--those who can't stand to think of themselves or their loved ones as capable of causing harm.
We are all capable, and culpable.
The big question is whether we can hold our capacity and our culpability and choose life-giving action. Male conditioning, with all of its illusions and shame, is firmly installed within each of us, and it cannot just be switched off. Infuriatingly, most shaming of it just feeds the gnarled beast.
All of which is why it is so important for men to cultivate a loving connection to the feminine within ourselves (it lives in each of us also), and to build a profound respect for our female co-workers, friends, partners, daughters, nieces and aunties and grandmothers and the girls and women in the streets and elevators and subways. And to let that deep and boundless respect infuse our bodies, hearts, thoughts, and most importantly, our sexual desire.
I appreciate your comments here, Sean, and the work you’re doing out in the world. It’s good to know workshops like yours are happening. I think the current system is toxic for everyone.
One thing I didn’t mention in this essay is the man who grabbed me in the stairwell…when I got free of him I started backing up the stairs facing him. I didn’t want to turn my back on him so I was sort of crab-walking up the stairs and wailing. But when our eyes met I remember feeling confused because he looked terrified, too. I don’t know if he was simply afraid of being caught, or horrified by my fear and despair or what it was, but I know that I saw that before he turned and ran down the stairs and out the door onto Broadway.
That’s the only time a man looked scared in the midst of an assault, but it stayed with me. I think some men feel no remorse, and some men feel deep shame.
Anyway, thank you for your comments, and I wish you the very best with the meaningful work that you’re doing.